Original subtitles

Tennis shorts, sunscreen, sun hat.

How do I look?

Like Speedy Gonzalez.

I don't understand why we can't go on this cruise.

Yeah, we never get to go anywhere.

Well, it's not your 21st anniversary.

Besides, this will give you the chance to spend some quality time with Mr.

Belvedere. So stick to your desk and never go to sea, and you will be ruler

the Queen's Navy.

God, Mom, please don't do this to us.

I amended the drawstring in whatever these are.

They're clamps.

Where will you go after clamps?

What are you going to do, frighten them to death?

Come on, George, we shell out that 1 ,800 hours and we don't want to be late.

Got your tickets?

Right here. Good old cousin Leo.

Too bad he had to go in for toll reduction surgery.

Marsh and I really made a killing on the cruise tickets.

All right, kids, I want you to do your homework, get to bed on time, and do

whatever Mr. Belvedere tells you. Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Owens. Have a

time. I'll mind the home front.

I must be the cab.

Bye. See you later.

Lynn Belvedere. Yes, Lieutenant Anthony Marsden Smythe of Her Britannic

Majesty's Service.

The Queen?

Whereas in the past you have faithfully served Her Majesty, Whereas your

domestic skills are without parallel on both hemispheres, whereas we are in dire

need of these skills, you, Lin Belvedere, are strictly charged to

Queen's person without delay.

I shall await without.

Gee, that guy's going to be a -whiting a long time.

Hey, uh, listen, big guy, you better make a choice.

You're either working for the Queen of England or for us.

And do you believe

Belvedere

just walked out like that?

Oh, George, now we won't be able to go on our cruise.

Oh, well, sure you can. We can take care of ourselves. You've left us alone

before.

Not without round -the -clock surveillance.

Well, what are we going to do?

If the plane goes, we're going to miss the Princess Lucretia.

Oh, forget it, George. We'll never find anyone to watch the kids.

Bon voyage!

Happy anniversary, Mr. and Mrs. Owens.

If you hadn't gotten married, Kevin never would have come along, and I

have a roommate.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Say, Kev, remember when you told us how grateful you were for us helping with

your college tuition?

And for helping with your apartment rent?

And us picking the cockleburs out of your hair when you were sent home from

camp?

Remember how you said you wanted to pay us back one day?

Yeah.

Today's the day.

Calvary, uh, Calvary skipped out.

Our plane's leaving in 45 minutes. You're taking care of the kids.

Hey, wait a minute. I mean, what about my apartment? What about Casey?

Well, if your roommate Casey really is just your roommate, she can roommate on

her own for a week. Can't you, dear?

Yeah, sure.

Bye, Kevin.

But, but, Mom, but...

I said, dinner seemed to go pretty well.

Nobody ate any of whatever that was you made.

The important thing is that it went smoothly.

Come on, Kev. I'm just having some harmless fun.

What are you doing?

Floating the paradise.

That's illegal.

Why don't you see what I do to the roulette wheel?

Okay, that's it. Everybody, listen up.

Now, I have made a list.

...of household duties.

If everybody just does their own part, we'll all... Live happily ever after?

Okay, Wes, you take out the trash, wash the dishes, clean the bathrooms, and

dust the downstairs.

Heather, you do the laundry, make the beds, clean the kitchen, and dust the

upstairs, okay?

Gee, Kev, who's gonna milk old bossy?

Pretty soon, we'll have this place running like a well -oiled machine.

Now I've got a test in the morning, so I'm gonna hit the hay. You guys go

your chores.

And then go nighty -night.

Right.

Here be your quarters for the duration, old ladyship.

There must be a mistake.

Begging your pardon, ma 'am, but it says here you got the governor's suite.

I thought this was supposed to be a cruise ship.

Yes and no, your lordship.

The Princess Lucretia is actually a freighter. But we do take on the

joy rider.

Are those cows?

Aye. We be bringing beef round the horn to Frisco.

Why don't you go through the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is for sissies.

You know, Marsh, there's... Something's just plain not right about this. You're

right. I say we get off while we still can.

You're free to leave if you're not afraid of sharks.

Holy smokes!

We've sailed!

Hey, look, Ace.

I demand to see the captain.

Captain Peel at your service.

Well, now, you listen to me, Captain.

I've seen your brochure. And this is way off.

I mean, we don't even have a place to put our clothes.

Are you blind as well as stupid?

Oh,

God. What's this?

It ain't dinner time?

I'm begging the captain's pardon. You suck your mouth and come with me. Marcy.

You can hear Radio Free Europe with the way you're wired.

Keep the stereo down, will you? Okay.

Hey,

Wes!

Get up here now!

What's on your mind, Kev?

You forgot to take out the garbage.

I've been a little busy.

Yeah, what are you doing down there?

Playing with my electric trains.

You're often dressed up.

I'm the conductor.

See you later.

Heather, I demand to know where you're going looking like a bad Madonna video.

Why don't you take all that energy and clean this place up? The house is a

wreck.

Wait. Hey, wait.

Hey, wait, wait. I'll give you five bucks if you help me clean this mess up.

Gee, Kim, you know, I'd love to help you out, but the super chief is pulling

into Albuquerque.

This was for heroism during the Blitz.

This was for climbing Mount Everest.

And this was for winning the Pillsbury Bake Off.

Oh, excuse me. I think the royal family is summoning me.

Lynn Belvedere here.

Who?

Kevin.

Wesley's doing what?

Heather went where?

meeting with some members of the royal family.

Jim, they're here now.

No, I will not say hi for you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Case.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was worried about you. I haven't heard from you in three days.

Look, somebody owes me $103 .50.

What's going on?

Wesley ordered a dozen pizzas when he knew I was cooking dinner. And now he

wants me to pay for it when he knows I don't have the money. So I was going to

beat on him until he paid the guy.

Oh.

You took an order for 12 pizzas from a kid?

I've been under a lot of pressure lately.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you ten cents on the dollar.

Sold. Pay him, Wes.

How about a tip?

He's up on the dippity -doodle.

I don't think so.

Yeah, I guess the place is a little messy.

Messy?

No offense, but I've seen landfills that were tidier.

Well, who's in charge?

I am.

Well, since it's pretty obvious no one is, you get yourself upstairs and scrub

that junk off your face. And you get your button gear and start cleaning up

mess. And I suggest that you get into the kitchen and put whatever's causing

that smell.

out of its misery.

Move it! Move it! Move it!

I finished the dishes.

Thank you, Wesley.

I picked up the living room. Thank you, Heather.

To get thrashed.

Thank you, Kevin.

Don't let the bedbugs bite. I'll be up in about ten minutes to tuck you in.

Bedbugs?

You know, this is kind of weird. You and me taking care of Heather and Wesley.

It's sort of like playing house.

Ah, down, boy.

The only game we're playing tonight is gin.

George, that food was inedible.

Yeah.

The jelly deals are really backing up on me.

I complained to the captain, but I don't think he's going to do anything.

Laugh the cook to the yard army.

Help me! Please! Oh, God, no!

No! Please!

I'll never do it again!

I don't like complaints from the passengers.

stay at Buckingham Palace is proceeding amiably.

The members of the royal family have welcomed me with their usual

Although Prince Philip gave me a shellacking in lawn bowling, of course I

him win.

I have given counsel to those who have sought my advice.

And quite frankly, I'm poop.

shouldn't have.

No, they are from Mrs. Thatcher.

She's waiting in the limo.

You're still here?

You bet.

Wes, what do you have on your face?

I don't know. Toothpaste, I guess.

Come here.

Oh, please, no.

Morning, Kevin.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Oh, no, I'm late for Western Civ.

Western Civ has waited for 5 ,000 years. I'm sure it'll wait for your breakfast.

Morning, Kevin.

Right, breakfast.

You look very nice, Heather.

Well, I'm glad you approved, Casey.

If you'd send me back to change my clothes one more time, I'd have to wear

Girl Scout uniform.

Oatmeal's on the table.

I don't eat oatmeal.

All right. I have some lovely stewed prunes. Mmm, oatmeal.

Kevin, here's your grocery list for after school.

Right. And don't forget to pick up the dry cleaning.

Okay. And be sure to come home right after you do your chores. Don't hang out

with Carl. He's a bad influence.

Yes, dear.

George, the sun is shining, and the water is so smooth and blue.

See, Marsh, I told you. We stuck things out, things will get better.

You!

You look like an able -bodied man. I'd be needing a new stoker for the boiler

room. Now, you! I'll take none of your lip.

And you, you'll be pulling galley duty.

I'll cook this fallen apart on us.

Now, come on. Shift yourselves.

Come on.

See,

Marsh, I told you there'd be activities.

Oh, am I neat.

You're neat.

I'm the one who was on her feet all day in that hellhole they call a kitchen.

Well, you better come up with something edible for breakfast.

The crew thinks you poisoned them. Well, there's only so many ways you can

prepare chopped meat.

That was meat?

Anyway, the water room wasn't so bad.

Something about physical labor.

Smell about a sweat. The guys, Emil, Uriah, Steve.

I like Steve.

What happened to your shirt?

Steve wanted it.

I guess he liked me, too.

Well, you look pretty good without it, you able -bodied stoker, you.

You look pretty hot yourself, you galley wench.

Mutiny! Mutiny!

Passed mutiny, Captain.

Billy lad, fetch me this him bowlin' knife.

Do that someplace else.

Stoic! The two of you have ginsed this tub. The crews voted to put you

overboard. Overboard?

Well, somebody must have stood up for us.

What about Steve?

Steve's dead.

He wanted you to have this back.

The lot of you.

Come on, Jack.

Move it.

Yeah, well, when we get back to land, Tom, tell him.

I don't get it, Mr. Belvedere. Have I sunk so low that I can be outsmarted by

one of Kevin's girlfriends?

Technically, Wesley, Casey is Kevin's roommate and girlfriend, and as such,

deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

an attempt to get on her good side.

So far, the only side I've seen is the housewife from hell.

Wes, who are you talking to?

I was trying to have an imaginary conversation with Mr. Belvedere. I

maybe he could solve our dragon lady problem.

And?

Nothing.

Maybe if I ate a couple pounds of M &M's.

Please don't go nuts on me, Wes.

I never thought I'd say this, but...

You're my last link of sanity.

I know, it's bad, isn't it?

Case is driving me out of my mind, trying to turn me into a proper young

I can't figure how someone so old -fashioned can be so hip.

She put an alarm on my bedroom window so I can't sneak out. She put fluorescent

baby powder on my slippers so she could track my night moves.

She's been tracking my phone calls.

It's just she's got Kevin so twisted, half the time he thinks he should be

changing diapers and half the time he thinks he's wearing them.

Hi,

guys.

Boy, Kev, I sure hope you're at least getting some sex out of this deal.

No, I don't even know if I want it anymore.

I mean, it was one thing when she was treating you two like little kids, but

then she started on me, and I'm not a little kid.

to do about it?

Mr. Belvedere, this is an emergency. You have to tell us what to do.

Casey's driving us crazy. She makes you look like a softie.

She took all my new makeup and hid it and I don't know where it is and I look

like a mole.

All she does is boss us around and give us orders. I mean, who died and made her

queen? I believe that's for me.

Hey, Case, after the euphoria of knitting wears off, Maybe I could go to

video store and pick something up.

We'll see.

Yeah, I understand now they have talkies.

See you guys later.

Where do you think you're going?

To the mall to hang out.

Oh, no, you're not.

Wesley, you had detention and were late for dinner. And Heather, you've got an

English test to study for. But it's Friday night.

Back up to your rooms.

Come on, this isn't fair.

Yeah, come on, Case. What's the big deal? Why can't they go?

You heard my reasons.

I heard your reasons.

And your reasons stink.

All right.

Kevin, you're undermining my authority.

What authority?

I mean, who are you, the big boss of the world?

Wes, Heather, go to the mall.

Wesley, Heather, stay where you are.

I said go.

I said stay.

Who wants to go to the mall? Yeah, this pizza's not going to stick all the

house. Watch your mouth, lady.

No, she doesn't have to. In fact, nobody has to do anything.

I'm out of here. Kevin.

Casey. See, I am tired of being grown up. I'm especially tired of being grown

with you. I'm going to the record store and I'm going to get any album I want.

Then I'm going to Burger Town and I'm going to eat way too many french fries

with gravy.

And then I'm going to pick up my buddy Carl. You remember the bad influence?

And I'm going to do anything he tells me to do. So there.

fell asleep.

Yeah, it was kind of late.

Got some gravy on your shirt.

Oh, thanks.

Look, Casey, I know I was rough on... Listen,

Casey, I think the world of you, and I really appreciate all the help you've

given me, but this whole thing just kind of got out of hand.

I know. I mean, half the time I feel like I'm seven years old again, and then

I'll turn around and it's like we've been married for 30 years.

What did you say?

I said I know.

You do?

Kevin, I'm the oldest of eight kids, and my mom and dad both worked.

I always had to struggle really hard to keep control of everybody.

Oh.

Sometimes I come on too strong or I get too bossy, but it's only out of caring.

I mean, if I didn't care about Wes or Heather or their handsome older brother,

I would have walked.

Tell me again about the handsome older brother?

It's nice of the Coast Guard to drop us off.

Mom, Dad, we weren't doing anything honest.

Knock yourselves out.

I have but one ambition left, to die in my own bed.

You heard her.

Since my return, the routine at the Owens residence has been restored to its

usual abnormal state.

Kevin and Casey are roommates once again.

or whatever the young people are calling it.

Evan and Wesley still won't obey my orders, but now they're not obeying more

politely.

George and Marsha are so grateful for my return, they gave me a slight raise,

then docked me a week's pay for my English sojourn.

It's nice to know the House of Owens can't live without me.

I only wish the House of Windsor could.

I'm Bill Kirkenbaugh. Wait a minute. Before you go running off to the band, I

don't want you to forget to watch Just the Ten of Us. Next.

Tomorrow at 8, it's the final mission for a member of the MI Force on Mission

Impossible. Then Hawk shows that crime doesn't pay. It hurts on a man called

Hawk. Followed by Murphy's Law.