Original subtitles

Hiya, Mr. Belvedere.

Hello, Kevin.

What you got in there?

Uh, medical supplies.

My roommate Casey's got a bad cold and fever, so I thought I'd try and nurse

back to health.

Aspirin, thermometer, chest rub?

Yeah, I figure I might get lucky.

Kevin, do they sell these items at drugstores?

Well, yeah, but as long as I'm stealing your food, I might as well take this

stuff, too.

See ya.

My life as I know it is over.

Run out of press -on nails?

out of the garage, but Mom's Porsche was blocking it. So I backed the car up

just a little and put this teeny tiny scratch on the door. Mom is going to

me. Well, if it's such a small scratch, perhaps your mother won't notice.

I suppose I could be wrong.

Do you have something to say to me, young lady?

Somebody's been to the beauty shop?

off a scratch and I will never, ever go near your Porsche again. I triple

promise. Heather, I loved that car when I was a lawyer. And since I quit being a

lawyer, I love it even more. I am slinging hash and singing Teen Angel

times a day to pay for it. So you are going to pay for the damage, Missy. And

until you do, you're grounded.

And that's that.

Wait till you hear what your daughter did. Later, huh, Marsh?

What's the matter, honey?

Well, they brought in some hotshot news director to boost the ratings.

Well, the ratings haven't been that bad, have they?

Are you kidding? We're getting killed by reruns of Flipper.

That's what I watch.

Oh, great. My own family doesn't even watch me. I do, George.

Oh, thanks, big guy.

Your 11 o 'clock report helps put me to sleep.

Of course, your 6 o 'clock report does that, too.

Well, this new guy told me I have to jazz up the sports.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Read the scores, standing on my head wearing a tutu?

Now that's entertainment.

When your cop kicked your jacket, as you came through the door, no one bled. But

sometimes things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

One minute to air.

How you doing, Tammy? I haven't seen Skip yet. I'm a little worried.

Who is that?

Our new media...

She's a former weather balloon.

High pressure fronts look pretty good to me.

Just point me to my chair.

Hey, Skip, what's wrong with you? Nothing.

Just a stomach flu, 104 fever.

Am I sitting yet?

30 seconds.

You look like you should be in bed.

Are you serious? With millions of loyal Pittsburghians awaiting me in their

living rooms?

Besides, I'm not giving that new twerp any excuse to replace me. Hello, team.

Hi, Chief.

Hello, Mr. Cornwell. Skip, are you okay?

I've never felt better, sir.

Fifteen seconds. Are you sure you can walk?

I'm positive.

Skip, I can do it. No, you're too good.

I mean, it wouldn't be fair to you. How about if George does it?

Me? Well, if it's only George, I suppose I could use a little rest. Five

seconds.

I don't know anything about real news.

Perfect.

I'm George Owens, sitting in for Skip Hollings.

It worked out for Miltie.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hello, George.

Well, how was I?

How were you what, honey?

You should have seen Flipper tonight, Dad.

It was the one where Flipper finds his long -lost brother in a can of tuna.

Oh, we saw you.

Yes, George. George, we'd just like to talk to you.

Hey, the news director likes my style. Said he wants me to keep anchoring until

Skip comes back.

Yeah, what's wrong with Skip anyway?

Well, they don't know for sure. They're running some tests to be on the safe

side. Well, look out, Flipper. Here comes George.

Anybody can go head -to -head with a bottlenose dolphin. You can.

Gay North.

Curbonito.

Curbo... Are you having a stroke, George?

No, I'm reading the newspaper.

Oh, how... Ah, Nancy and Sluggo.

I wanted to make fun, but as long as I'm the anchor, I'm learning everything I

can about the news.

Hmm, that's very commendable, George.

Yeah, but they picked today to start a rebellion in Indonesia.

How the hell do you pronounce this general's name?

That gentleman's name is simply Curbinato, like potato.

You mean carbonato like potato?

Potato, potato, carbonato, carbonato. Let's call the whole thing off.

You say potato. I say potato.

You say carbonato. I say carbonato. Potato, potato, carbonato, carbonato.

This is it.

Nice. I'm home, Assistant.

I'm recycling. Pretty soon I'll be able to pay Mom the whole 250 bucks for that

stupid scratch.

How much do they weigh?

Well, let's see. 42 cans per bag divided by 25 cans per pound.

Congratulations.

You just made $1 .68.

About 68?

Only 892 pounds to go.

Come, come, Heather. You can do it. Remember, it's hard work that made

great.

We have a high... pressure system coming in from the east wait just a minute

you're not the new weatherman i'm the new weatherman no you're not i am no

you're not i am you are the new weatherman no you're not i am no you're

am 30 seconds boys and girls i've got great news about skip you're gonna be

no he's going in for surgery oh no

What's wrong with them? They've found a polyp in his colon, just like President

Reagan. They're going to operate any minute now. Poor Skip. Maybe one of us

should go down there. I am way ahead of you. I already sent a camera crew.

We're going live.

The guy's operation? You bet.

Well, does Skip know we're doing this? No, but he's a pro. He'll love it.

Sell it, George. I see big, big numbers.

Good evening. I'm George Owens, sitting in for Skip Hollings, who won't be

sitting anywhere for a while.

Minutes ago, doctors informed our Metro News action desk that Skip has a growth

in his colon.

Let's go now to McBean Memorial Hospital where our Metro News medical reporter,

Dr. Dave Apicella, is live on the scene with Skip.

Hi, Skip.

Skip, can you hear me?

Go away.

Well, don't worry, pal.

We're all behind you.

Dr. Dave, what exactly is a polyp and what is the procedure to remove it?

Tammy, a polyp is a small protuberant growth. In Skip's case, it's growing

the interior colon wall.

Oh, God.

Now, momentarily, our crack surgical team here at McBean Memorial will probe

Skip's insides and then perform the surgical excision. Oh, God.

Now, I understand we're ready now with our special mini -micro -metro cam live

inside Skip Hollings' colon.

Are you ready, Skip?

Live.

Sorry about that little mix -up. That was from our West Virginia miners'

story coming up later in the show.

Anyway, Skip, thanks for that inside scoop.

Fantastic Voyage will continue with surgery results tonight at 11, right

MTV.

You did great, George. I love the way you seem genuinely concerned.

Oh, I am. I mean, the man's having an operation, and we turned it into a

Yeah, wasn't that great?

$2 .20.

$2 .22.

It's Friday night, Heather. Shouldn't you be going somewhere?

Well, I was finally going to go out with John Tricosis, but I had to cancel to

make money to pay off Mom.

I get two cents for every envelope I stuff.

$2 .24.

$2 .26.

Heather, I'm touched by your plight, but you're also getting on Mr.

Belvedere's nerves.

I will lend you the money you need.

Bonanno's just been replaced by Son -gay -gay -ong.

Son -gay -gay -gong.

Hello, everybody.

Skip. Hey, buddy.

Hi. You weren't supposed to be here till tomorrow.

Well, the doctors say I'm fine. I just have to go back every six months for a

checkup. Well, it's great to have you back, pal. I know. I've been watching

Skip, how was the plumbing?

Wonderful, now that the camera's gone.

Super. This is a surprise. Could we chat a moment?

Boy, he looks great. Yeah, he's even got his snotty attitude back.

Hey, what's this for?

That's my hiney donut.

Well,

what's the matter, Skip? I'm fired.

Huh?

Congratulations, Owens. You're the new anchorman.

just finishing breakfast. Bye.

I haven't seen you for breakfast in about three weeks. In fact, I haven't

you at all.

I've been busy.

Busy avoiding a $250 loan?

Mr.

Belvedere, you weren't serious about me paying you back, were you? I mean, Dad

never made us pay back money, he lends.

Dad is a chump.

But I'm just a kid. I'm not supposed to be responsible.

When I was your age, Heather, I did tasks around the house in exchange for

Boy, you made all of you a bandit.

Which gives me an idea. For every task you do around the house, I will subtract

an appropriate amount from the 250.

What do you mean?

I mean you're our new maid.

All right.

And your first task will be to take out the garbage.

That will give you two simoleons.

Why couldn't Mom have a station wagon like a normal mother?

Let's go.

What do you think, George?

Just a little rewrite.

The copy's fine. That's why we pay newswriters.

Yeah, but I think it's going overboard calling a doll factory fire a Kenan

barbecue.

You don't have to think, George.

You're an anchorman now.

Look who's here, George.

Scab. Great to see you, buddy. I thought I'd stop by to apologize to you,

George. I was a little upset the other week. I can understand you being sore.

What are you up to, Skip?

Well, I got another job.

I knew it wouldn't take long.

Where are you working, pal? At a smaller station, actually, but I'm moving past

news into the entertainment end.

See that?

I knew you'd land on your feet.

Skip Hollings always does.

Dead body?

What do you think of tonight's feature?

It stinks.

I could not agree with you more.

Hey, Westman, what are you doing up so late?

Watching Shock Fear Theater.

Huh? It's on some crummy cable channel.

This Count Shockula guy is really pathetic.

Oh, no.

It's Skip.

You'll get back to Skull Man versus the Horrible Demon after a word from our

sponsor, Ed's Small Motor Repair.

Remember Ed's mother.

I like motors, and I'll fix them, too.

Is this going to happen to you when you get fired?

finish the laundry.

Look who's here, Gula Gertie.

How much?

Shall we say $6? For seven loads and I ironed and folded everything, even your

boxers.

You're whining.

$5 .50.

Mr. Belvedere, that's slave labor. Look,

I washed the windows, I polished Dad's golf clothes, I even vacuumed all the

donut crumbs out of your pant cuffs. And you still have $94 to go. Carry on.

Yes, Master.

entire Metro News team. I'm George Owens. See you at 11.

Clear.

Mr. Cornwell? Yeah.

Could we talk to you about Skip?

What about Skip?

Well, he was our anchorman for 15 years and now he's at some cheesy cable show

playing Count Chocula. So?

So maybe you could give him another chance.

Hey, I got enough problems, pal.

I saw the demographics on you and you're losing women under 35.

Gee, maybe I could have a gallbladder operation.

I'll sleep on it.

You don't have to tell me it broke. And is it my fault, smarty pants?

Where's Ed's small motor repair now?

Newsman.

Today in America, lots and lots of things happened.

But I'm stuck here.

Oh, I hate this show. It's not even scary.

You know what's scary?

The budget deficit.

That thing on Gorbachev's forehead.

And to top it all, I found out I have periodontal disease.

You want to see that, too?

What the hell is happening with Skip? Oh, from the looks of it, his gums are

receding.

coffee and a donut. I never want to see another donut again.

What you got there?

An award for the first investigative report I did on TV back in 61.

I never knew you won any awards.

Berkeley in 65.

Students protested and I was there.

Detroit in 67.

Riots in the streets. And I was there.

I even got a color TV out of it.

I was a damn good reporter.

And when I became an anchorman, it was a dream come true.

Some dream.

You're still the same guy who won those awards at Nurse Skip.

And I know you didn't go out and win some more.

It's too late for me.

It's never too late.

Throw your shoulders back and keep your chin up high, and you can still soar

with the eagles.

Like this guy.

Now you know how I feel.

Hey, forget the makeup and that damn cape.

Guys like Cornwall, that's over.

You were proud of yourself before, and you're going to be proud of yourself

again.

You really think so, George?

You got your hair dyed?

Hell, you could be president.

Thanks, George.

You're welcome.

Now get me the hell off of here.

Sure.

One minute.

Where's Owens? No idea.

We got a new anchorman. You're back on sports.

Hey, no reflection on you, buddy.

I just got back from Skip's apartment.

I barely managed to talk him down off a ledge. What? I don't believe it. It's

true. I don't believe you didn't call for a camera crew. You have a jumper and

you don't get us the exclusive?

What kind of a newsman are you?

What kind of human being are you?

Didn't you just hear what I said?

The man almost jumped.

Hey, this is real life.

Some people can cope.

Some people can't. Oh, yeah?

We'll cope with this. Wow! George!

George!

Five seconds, Owens.

WBN Metro News.

With George Owens with sports.

Abe the Ape with weather.

And inside the Gucci.

And at the anchor desk, Jim Ritchie.

Good evening. At the top of the news, the largest oil spill in history

the Atlantic coast. But first, great news from the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Sparky, that little bear cub that's been refusing food for three days.

Enjoyed a hearty lunch today of pine nuts and blueberries.

Orange juice?

Three dollars. That makes 246.

Tea? Another three greenbacks. That makes one to go.

With milk.

Well done, Heather.

I'm proud of you, honey.

Yeah, great, Heather. Could you pass the butter?

Casey's been sick an awful long time. Yeah, I think she's been fake in the

couple days. She must like those rub -downs I gave her.

Forget it, Kev. No one believes you even touched her.

Well, that's not dying for a good English breakfast.

Oh, don't look at me. This is being served by Mademoiselle Ever.

Oh, why?

She scratched Mom's horse. Mr. Belvedere loaned her the 250 bucks.

She tried to weld. She made her his slave.

150 bucks for that little thing on the door?

How did you know about that? You haven't been here for weeks.

You know, I think I left the thermometer in my apartment.

Hold it, mister.

Explain yourself.

Well, a few weeks ago, I had to read some old notebooks, so I pulled the

out and put a tiny little scratch on it.

You didn't notice, so why say anything?

Why say anything?

Kevin, would you like some nice sausage and toast?

I'll get you, Kevin!

he's still got his teeth.

Mr.

Belvedere will be right back.

As reparation for his crimes, Kevin has agreed to lend Heather his car for a

month.

Heather has promised that if she puts a scratch on it, it won't be one that

takes two weeks to notice.

George seems to be quite content away from the anchor desk.

and back in his natural milieu of ice hockey fights and men named Bubba.

Skip, in the meantime, has sought psychological help and also accepted a

reporting job in Cleveland.

His absence, however, leaves Pittsburgh without a Count Chocula.

No!

You can find out.

I'm Bill Kirkenbauer.

Wait a minute. Before you go running off to the can, I don't want you to forget

to watch Just the Ten of Us. Next!

Later tonight on Nightline, the unseen power in Washington, Ted Koppel takes an

inauguration night look at the people with real clout, and they're not the

whose names you'd know.