Original subtitles

Let me help. Oh, thank us.

You know, Mom, this was the best Christmas ever. Really?

Yeah, I mean, it was perfect.

We were all together, trimming the trees, singing Christmas carols.

Dad didn't even make us watch Perry Como's Christmas in Cambodia.

It was nice.

So do I have to see you guys on New Year's, too?

What? Well, I was hoping I could have a party here. I mean, without you or Dad

or anyone else hanging around.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

Well, there won't be that many people, and there won't be any sex or drugs

either, because everyone's too afraid to do that stuff anymore.

Well, your father and I were invited to a fondue party at Skip's. Oh, come on,

Mom.

Okay, honey.

Great. Can you take him with you?

Mom's letting me have a party here on New Year's Eve.

Oh, yeah? So can I have one, too? No.

It'll be good for me.

Mr. Belvedere says I need to work on my social skills in case the FBI doesn't

give me a new identity.

All right, all right, here's the deal.

You two can have a party here together.

What? Yeah, Heather, you can invite some of your friends, and Wes, you can have

some of yours.

I know you're both mature enough to work on this together.

Right, Mom.

Okay, so at the store we gotta get potato chips, bean dip, paper hats for

friends, paper bags for your girlfriends.

Noisemakers, balloons, and cherry Kool -Aid.

Hey, this is supposed to be a sophisticated party. We're not gonna

-Aid.

Well, we need sun to mix with the vodka.

I'm kidding. It's just to fill up the balloons.

Hello, children.

Hey, Mr. Philbeer.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, can you think of anything else we need for our New Year's

party? Yes, earplugs for me.

But you're not going to be here.

Yeah, it's New Year's. Your mambo club always has a party down on the wharf.

I'm afraid it was discontinued after last year.

Huh? Things got a little wild.

Our conga line got out of control and injured five stevedores.

Come on, Mr.

Belvedere. Do you really want to start the new year with people like us?

Certainly. Then I'll know the rest of the year can't get any worse.

When you dropped your jacket, as you came through the door, no one glared.

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Come. Hey, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

Listen, do we have any vitamin C or anything?

What's the matter? Are you coming down with something?

I don't know, but I'm not going to be sick until I meet your teeth.

Oh, you're burning up. Just a second.

Oh, no, Mom. Look, I'm just going to take a few of these, and then I'll be...

Yeah, this is a friend of Mr.

Belvedere's. He's too shy, so he asked me to ask you if you want to go out with

him on New Year's Eve.

I found your name in his little black book.

Aren't you Donna King?

Almost 103.

That's not so bad. I'm surprised you're not delirious.

Come on, young man. You march yourself right upstairs and get to bed. I don't

even live here anymore. Well, I don't care. If you keep running around in this

weather with a fever, you'll wind up with pneumonia.

Hello, Kevin.

Oh, Mr. Belvedere, would you please fix up Kevin's room? He's going to be

needing it.

But I was promised once he left that children weren't allowed back anymore.

going to be here till he gets better. Oh, come on.

Upstairs.

Yes, Mommy.

Oh, well, uh, can you wait till after New Year's to get your hip replaced?

Yeah, I understand.

Thanks. So?

I can't find anybody.

Oh, well, if we don't find him a date quick, we are gonna be stuck with him.

Hey, how about Broom Hilda?

You know, the Huffnagle's new housekeeper?

She's not too old, and she's got that snotty look Mr. Belvedere likes.

Oh, yeah.

But how are we going to get them together?

Oh, I think I can arrange that.

If anyone asks, I've been with you for the last ten minutes.

Only ten minutes? Then I can assume it wasn't a bank job.

I didn't do it!

That doesn't sound like the Avon lady.

Can I help you?

Your son sprayed me with a garden hose.

Call him my son again and I'll spray you myself.

It's just that I'm not the boy's father, thank heaven. But regardless, I'm sure

it was an accident. Right, Bessie?

Aren't you going to introduce yourself?

Oh, I am. Sorry.

I am Lynn Belvedere. I'm the Owens' housekeeper.

Oh, yes, Mr. Schumacher. I just started working for the Hogmegels. How do you

do? As I was saying, I'm sure the lad didn't mean to do it. Oh, yes, he did.

He's a spiteful little hooligan, and I wouldn't mind giving him a good

throttling. Hey, sounds like you two have a lot in common.

What's that mean?

Oh, nothing. Just that I detest him, too.

And now, Wesley, I believe you have something to say to Miss Schumacher.

Do you, Mom?

and I are leaving for the party now.

Hey, Mom, what is all this stuff?

Oh, well, sometimes Mr. Belvedere uses this as sort of a punishment room. You

know, when your brother's been bad.

Anyway, what are you doing out of bed?

And where is this heater off?

No, Mom, it's 98 in here.

And that vaporizer's giving me jungle rot.

Do you want to get better or don't you?

Yes, ma 'am. Look, I know it's no fun being stuck in on New Year's Eve, but

don't want this to get worse, do you? Yeah, yeah.

All right, I made this for you.

Mom, I'm 20 years old. I don't drink hot cocoa anymore.

Sorry.

Here, give it to me.

It'll keep you nice and warm inside.

You used to put marshmallows in it.

I'll be right back.

Come on, Mr.

Belvedere. I don't think she's so bad.

Fine. Then you go on with that.

So, I hear you got a hot date with Hazel over at the Huffnagels.

What are you two going to do?

Vacuum in the New Year?

That's if I'm not going. Hey, come on, big guy. I'm sorry.

That must be her.

Get in. I've changed my mind.

This is ridiculous. Why should I go out with a perfect stranger so you two bunco

artists can make a mess that I'll have to clean up?

Hello.

Well, as long as she's here.

It's okay, I guess.

This is the most humiliating experience of my life.

I'm sure you'll have worse.

Why didn't you invite some girls your age?

I don't know. I don't see any boys your age. They all left when they saw your

geeky friends.

May I?

Pediatrician says I'm out there growing.

That's great.

Excuse me.

Isn't it midnight yet?

Don't worry, you'll know when it is.

Why, you're not doing anything gross or disgusting, are you? Hey, relax.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go check on the frogs.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I'm Cindy.

I'm Kevin, and I'm no longer contagious.

Oh, you're Heather's big brother, right?

Uh -huh.

So, if you want, maybe we can go back up to my room and share a bottle of

NyQuil.

Oh,

okay,

everybody. It's almost midnight. Is everybody ready?

He's just faster than the rest.

Well, the living room's still here.

That's more than I expected.

Mr. House looks fine. You said it would be a disaster area.

Oh, they only cleaned it to irritate me.

I had a very good time tonight.

I never had Egyptian food before.

Yes, I thought you looked rather worried when the waiter said, one hump or two.

Anyhow, I really should be going.

Oh? Well, it's almost two, and I have to be up early to fix breakfast at a

Hoffnagel's. I find that a community trough is good enough for the Owens

While you walk me home, I'll walk you home.

a bit under the weather this morning. You mean he tied one on last night? Mm

-hmm. So is the car in the Huffnagle's pool again?

No, because I was the designated driver.

So, how'd your shindig go?

Great. Yeah, Wesley was a designated moron.

More French toast for anyone?

Yeah, that's quite a spread, big guy.

Yeah, Mr. Belvedere, you really didn't have to make fresh apple juice.

Oh, once you've climbed the tree, the rest is easy.

Oh, thank you, Wesley.

So what's with you, Mr. Belvedere? I've never seen you in such a good mood

before. Well, I'm usually not when you're around.

Just kidding.

You're a delightful little scamp.

I think he had one ho -ho too many.

I trust everyone kicked off their new year in good style.

Yeah. So how about you, Mr. Belvedere? How was your date?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Morgan.

Oh, morning, Elsa.

I lost an earring here last night. Probably under the cushion on the couch.

Probably.

I mean, the usual for me.

Yes, Kevin?

You know, you tell me I should stay in bed, and then when I call...

I'm sorry, honey. Is there something you want?

I'm through with that.

Kevin, aren't these all your old things?

Oh, yeah, I found all this stuff in my closet. Pretty neato, huh?

Yeah, but, Kevin, you're not going to be here that long.

Hey, Mom, take my temperature.

I think it went way, way up.

Kevin, I took it 20 minutes ago. It was the same.

Well, I'm bored.

Well, there must be something you can do. Some schoolwork or something.

Yeah, but it hurts my eyes when I try and read.

Well, I'm sure you'll feel much better in the morning.

Well, you could read to me.

What?

What you used to. Remember?

Yeah, sure.

All right, what'll it be? European history or abnormal psychology?

No, this one.

The Cat in the Hat?

By Dr. Seuss.

Any idea how late it is? Why, am I being grounded?

I think we need to talk.

I'll have a nice chat.

I'm going to sleep.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere.

Very well.

We want to know what's going on between you and Miss Sex Mocker.

It's Schumacher.

Look, you've been missing meals, staying out at all hours, doing God knows what.

You've got us all worried sick.

I'm sure Miss Schumacher's real nice, but maybe you're going a little... too

fast, getting too involved with her.

Yeah, we think you should start seeing other housekeepers, too.

Look, both of you, I'm deeply touched by your concern, but I'm a grown man and I

can handle these things fine by myself.

I can assume then you're taking precautions?

What exactly do you mean by that?

I'm not sure, but I hear they're very important.

Good night, children.

Hey, watch this.

Depth charge.

Dive, dive.

That's great, Kev.

Wesley, finish your eggs. You'll be late to school.

Okay, okay.

More maple, Master Kevvy? Sure.

I don't have to go to school because I'm sick.

What a lovely view.

Thank you.

I mean the woods.

The sun bounces off the empty branches.

Oh, yes, lovely.

So, I thought we could go to the drive -in again, like last night.

Oh, have they changed the movie already?

Does it matter?

Actually, I'm happy in spending a little too much time away from my duties.

Oh, I know, me too.

It's just that we have so much fun together.

We seem to like the same things.

It's not too often you find somebody you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your

life with.

Yes. Well, I'd better get on with my raking.

Okay.

What about coming over later?

The Huffnagels are going to an NRA meeting.

We could have the whole house to ourselves.

I'd love to.

But I'm not really sure the Owens would let me.

Can't you just sneak off? They can't be watching you every minute.

the dinner table, please. Sure.

If you like, I'll take you down to the mall after dinner.

Oh, yeah?

Mm -hmm. We can go and see that horror film based on your memoirs.

Aren't you going over to the Huffnagels tonight?

No, Wesley.

Why not?

Actually, I may not be seeing Miss Schumacher as frequently as before.

Oh, she dumped you, right?

I simply decided we were getting a little too involved and that we should

down a bit.

Didn't a certain somebody already tell you that very same thing?

Yes.

But he was a little smack -faced toad, so I didn't listen.

Did she take it okay?

Yeah, oh, very well.

It's a good lesson for you, Wesley.

How to handle a delicate situation in a mature and straightforward manner.

Ben! Oh, God, hide me. I thought you called me! I left a note.

Uh, hide in the basement.

No, that's the coward's way.

Is Mr. Belvedere here?

Oh, no.

He was deported this morning.

Hey, Wes.

Miss Sexmocker.

Where's Belvedere?

Remember, Dad? Those two guys came and dragged him back to England.

Huh?

Remember? Something about a couple wives back in Bristol?

Oh, yeah, them.

I don't understand.

we're ill, sir.

Hey, she was buying it.

I appreciate your moronic attempt to protect me, but I should handle this

myself.

Come on, Wes.

I see you got my little note.

Yes.

What's the suitcase for?

Sir Huffnagel's fired me.

I'm sorry.

He said I was seeing too much of you.

Oh.

I'm so stupid.

I was actually glad when he did it.

I thought you'd say you'd quit too and we'd go off to Maine or someplace and

open a little bed and breakfast.

Sounds very nice.

Then why not? We could do it.

I have some money saved.

Yes, I can't. Oh.

I promised the Owens that I would stay with them at least until Wesley went off

to college.

Or the penitentiary.

I guess they understand.

The fact is, I'm rather set in my ways.

And I'm not looking for a long -term relationship with anybody.

I see.

It's just that every New Year's, my youth becomes a more distant memory.

For a moment, you made me feel young and vibrant and alive.

But now I'm exhausted.

Thank you.

Well, we've got a bus to catch.

However, I'm certain that someday, somewhere, we'll see each other again.

Hey, where's my hot cocoa?

Downstairs in the jar.

What are you doing? Packing your clothes.

What for?

We want you out.

But I'm still sick.

Tough.

Oh, that's real nice.

Kevin, I don't know what's happened, but ever since you've been in here, you

have turned into a bratty little 14 -year -old. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I guess it's all that.

Children's cough syrup.

Oh, look, honey, I know how nice it feels to be protected and not have to

about school or finals or reality.

Yeah, and I guess it was nice having somebody take care of me.

Just like they used to.

I guess I forgot how nice that was, too.

Well, I'll just pack my stuff up.

Sure, honey. I just want to finish one more chapter.

All right. I'll do it.

Oh, no, no, Mama. You don't have to read to me anymore. Anything for my little

baby.

Rex felt his insides begin to throb as Jennifer let drop her

lace negligee to him.

Finished, Dr. Seuss?

Mr.

Belvedere will be right back.

As of this writing, Kevin's temperature, along with his IQ, has returned to

normal.

Sometimes I'm not sure which is higher.

As for my lapse into adolescence, I've just received a postcard from Ilsa.

She's invited me up to Portland to enjoy her new bed and breakfast.

I might try the breakfast, but I'm not too sure about the other.

Well, another new year is underway.

The colonials have a new president, Wesley has some new hormones, and the

in general is bumping along.

But the most important thing is, I'm still here.

I'll drink to that.

Later tonight on Nightline, the death of Japan's Emperor Hirohito, from divine

ruler to figurehead. One question plagued him to the end.