Original subtitles

The Ten of Us.

I don't think that's appropriate school wear.

Mom, it's totally fresh.

Fresh? It's 20 years old. Mom, fresh means it's better than rad.

I just don't think you should wear it to school.

But it's 60s day and I want to be the grooviest looking bird on campus.

Oh, Heather, it's just so revealing.

And I won't have any daughter of mine prancing around in something she can't

even bend over in.

Morning. Hi.

Hey, Marsh, isn't that the dress you used to wear with no underwear?

Hey, Wes, what you doing?

Homework.

These are women's magazines.

Yeah, I know. I'm looking for a recipe. We have to bring one in for home ec

class. Home economics? I thought you were taking woodshop.

Well, I wanted to, but the school board voted that I can't use power tools.

You don't belong in home ec. You're a guy.

So is Mr. Belvedere.

I love the smell of laundry in the morning.

Hey, what kind of example are you setting for the kid?

The same you should be setting for Kevin.

Even though he's moved to his own apartment, I still have to do his wash.

What the hell is this?

He wants a pair of Kevin's undershorts.

Looks like Kev had a pretty hot date.

What's that kid doing over there anyway?

Come on, Glenn.

Give me a break, will you?

This is my last pair, you clothes -sucking furball.

One cannot be helping him.

He's on a high -fiber diet.

We'll be right

back.

stand it anymore.

Try dusting the same table for five years.

I just can't live with Glenn.

I thought your new roommate's name was Anatole.

It is.

Glenn's his goat.

You said your apartment didn't allow pets.

Anatole got off on a technicality. Claimed Glenn was a relative.

Frankly, Kevin, you smell like you hosted a family reunion.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Gee, what stinks?

Oh, hi, Kev.

Hi, Dad.

Well, I gotta go. I gotta get down to Chetwin's Plumbing Supply.

Oh, yeah? If you're shopping for a new shower head, be sure to use it.

No, it's for my business course.

See, we have to observe a real business and see how it works.

Yeah, well, couldn't you observe something a little flashier, like a

dealership?

I was late to class the day they gave out the assignments.

It was either a plumbing warehouse or prisoner to lousing.

Anyway, I gotta borrow the plunger.

Oh, it's under the sink. Be sure and put it back.

Wesley needs it for the Christmas pageant.

He wrote his own part this year.

Hey, Ralph.

When you're through there, I got a new shipment of copper pipe. Needs to be

unpacked. You got it, boss.

This is the warehouse, Owens. The elbow joint, you might say. The whole company.

Elbow joint. Got it.

Casey. Hey, Tony.

We're paying you by the hour, not the cigarettes.

Hey, Casey. What do you need, Mr. Palmer? Casey O 'Connell.

Kevin Owens.

Casey's our warehouse foreman.

Great. It's about time I got some help.

Give Tony a hand with the urinals. Kevin isn't here to work. He's from the

college. He's here to observe.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. So be nice to him and maybe he'll come back and run the place

for us when he graduates.

So, uh, what exactly do you do?

I work.

Ah, great.

Oh, uh, Miss O 'Connell, faucet is spelled with a U, not a W.

Look. College boy, let's get a few things straight.

This may be playtime for you, but this is my job. I don't work, I don't eat.

Hey, I do understand the concept of work.

Good. Then you can just sit right over there and watch some.

Fine.

You ever build a birdhouse, Belvedere?

No. That's what nests are for.

I haven't seen him. I'm sure wherever he is, someone is regretting it.

He went to the supermarket. It's part of his home economics class. He's trying

to see how far he can stretch a dollar.

I think the lad's in for a rude awakening.

We're back.

What'd you do, Wes? Rob the store?

No, I used coupons.

It took us like an hour to check out. The lady behind us went into labor.

Anyway, Mom, here's your change. Thank you.

a whole bunch of double coupons, and I went to the store on triple coupon day.

They came out owing me money.

That's great, champ.

Why can't you do that, Belvedere?

I could, George, but we'd only end up with a lot of things we don't want or

couldn't use.

Not necessarily.

Ho -hos.

You bought me ho -hos?

Yep, 12 cartons.

You know, you and I, we kind of got off on the wrong foot, and I wanted you to

know I was an okay kind of guy, and so are you.

Okay.

Aren't you going to open it?

It's a coffee cup.

Yeah, I see.

Oh, sorry, I left the seat up.

Sure, I can take an order.

What do you need?

400 sump pumps.

Hey, no problem.

We'll ship them right out.

You want them good for us?

Okay.

What was that all about?

Oh, I just moved 400 sump pumps.

From where to where?

From us, to Septic City. If we get them there by 5 o 'clock, they'll even waive

the volume discount.

Great.

There's only one little problem.

We don't have any pumps.

We're back -ordered till January.

Oh. Yeah, so now I have to go back to Septic City and try to clean up your

stupid mess, all because you just wanted to play plumber's helper. Hey, I made a

mistake, all right? You don't have to jump down my throat.

Why not?

They're gonna be jumping down mine.

Look, I'm sorry. I mean, what can I say? Nothing.

She's nutritional value, Zippola.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Belvedere, but I'm going to have to write you up.

What are you supposed to be, the food police?

No, I'm just going by the Surgeon General's guidelines.

Frankly, for this meal, you'd get the chair.

Now, just a minute. Let me remind you that I've cooked for everyone, from

to Winston Churchill.

Yeah, and they're all dead.

Your sister would be delighted to hear that.

She's tie -dyeing a T -shirt.

Go fish.

Please, to be stopping that. You're stinking up whole joint.

No, he is stinking up whole joint. I am not talking to you until you come down

off your low horse.

Weeks. My apartment reeks. Your apartment?

Yeah. It's 50 -50 split.

Ah, see, now you're getting it. I want your 50 to split.

No way, Habib.

Glenn likes it here.

Glenn does not get a vote.

Oh, this is a fine how do you do it. I plan big party and you want us out.

What party?

Oh, it's big blow up for all foreign exchange students.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Hey,

I don't care whose corset Rimsky ripped off. I want you and that cartoon stink

bomb out of here.

Don't hold your nose.

And while we're at it, I thought you said you were going to keep that bearded

trash compactor out of my room. I say a lot of things.

Yeah, well, I take enough abuse at work from hard -hatted Hannah. I don't need

to come home to hoof jam on my bedspread.

I live here.

What? Since when?

This morning.

All right, let me get this straight.

You actually live here?

Right next door.

Oh, that's great. No, really, that's terrific.

I mean, there must be a thousand other buildings you could have moved into.

Why'd you have to move here?

I didn't see a sign with your name on it.

Although I should have recognized your smell.

Hey, it's not my smell. It's the goat's.

You're roasting one?

I live with one.

Oh, that's what you college clowns are into these days.

You know, you really have a big problem.

Yeah, well, at least I'm paying my own way.

And what is that supposed to mean?

You go to college full time and can afford this place.

You don't need a Ph .D. to figure out mommy and daddy are footing the bills.

You know, they help a little, but I do the rest.

You're acting like I'm privileged or something.

Master Kevin.

Your laundry.

Chef Wesley has informed me that dinner will be delayed.

You know, look, I think it's a wonderful idea. When he's older, he'll be glad he

can cook for himself.

That's assuming they allow him a hot plate in his cell.

What's he making, anyway?

He wouldn't let me see.

My best guess is his boiling fish sticks.

I say it's 50 -50. We all end up with botulism. Your brother's working very

on this meal.

Your mother's quite right.

So just spit it in your napkin, and I'll whip up something later.

for dessert.

What was it?

He called it something French.

It had all kinds of chocolate, strawberry sauce, lots of fluffy whipped

It was pretty good.

Yes, well, I wasn't hungry.

Oh, is that why there's four empty boxes of ho -hos on the ground?

It grieves me to say this, that I think I'm jealous of Wesley.

Why?

I've grown complacent.

You're big boned. You can get away with it.

George, I mean I've grown lazy in the kitchen.

Big guy, you're just in a slump.

You've got to get a bigger lead off first, George.

And keep your cleats up when you go into your slide, George.

And try to keep the dirt out of your mouth when you dive for home.

George, I don't know when I beat so moved.

Just remember, don't let yourself get psyched out before you step up to the

plate.

The dinner plate, I mean.

You're right, George.

That's exactly what I've been doing.

I've let that pint -sized wolfgang puck scare me out of my own kitchen.

Hey, where are you going?

To hit a home run.

Over there.

Young Owens?

Yeah? This kitchen isn't big enough for the both of us.

It isn't big enough for the boat for you.

I demand satisfaction.

Huh? I challenge you to a cook -off.

better be on fire. Hey, your music's too loud.

It's heavy metal. It's supposed to be.

Oh, come on. Casey, will you cut me some slack? I've got two tests tomorrow.

My jerk of a roommate finally took a stupid goat to the drive -in, and now I

have to go head -to -head with the wicked witch of the plumbing world.

What's the matter? Are you afraid you might flunk out and have to work for a

living?

Casey, I go to school all day. When I come home, I have to study.

Come on, Kevi.

I work all day. When I come home...

Okay, okay.

Now, I have tried to be nice.

But frankly, boss, you are crowding me.

Well, now you know how I feel at work.

I'm standing right here.

Was this your stupid idea?

Uh -huh.

Why didn't you run it by me first?

Well, there wasn't time.

Thanks.

Poets. I don't mind telling you, I thought this was pretty crazy when you

up with it. But by golly, it's beautiful.

It's sort of like the ice capades.

Mr. Palmer, we're not really going to keep doing this, are we? Are you

The orders keep... Flying out of here.

I'm going to get you for this.

the camels back.

Oh, relax, Kevin. There are no camels here.

I think I should party.

Listen, I want you, your friends, and their barnyard buddies out of here.

Loosen up, Rumi. We're having a party.

I don't give a Hungarian zither pick what you're having. You're gone.

No.

What did you say? I said no.

You're going to have to make me, homeboy.

stinking part.

What happened to you?

Oh, thanks to your little roller skating scheme, I fell and broke my ankle.

Look, I'm sorry. Not as sorry as I am. I'm going to be out of work for eight

weeks. How am I supposed to pay my rent on workman's comp?

Well, how should I know?

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you started playing roller

derby. Here, why don't you sit down and yell at me? Fine.

Just don't touch me, okay?

Hey, look, I'm just trying to help. Oh, I think you've done enough already,

college boy.

You know, what is it with you, Casey?

All right, maybe I messed up your foot, but you have been on my case with all

this college stuff since day one.

Well, how would you feel if every time you were up for a promotion, some

punk strolled in and took it away from you? Oh, so that's what this is all

about. You think I want your job? I don't want your crummy job.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Rosie Future, but that crummy job is all I've got.

All I'm ever going to get.

Well, look, it's just maybe you should quit blaming college for all your

problems and try going there yourself.

Forget it. That's stupid.

I can't afford college. I can't even afford to pay my rent.

Yeah.

Well, why don't you move in here?

What? Well, look, I mean, you need a place to stay and I need a roommate.

Besides, boss, I, uh... I owe you one.

I'd like to tell you to take a flying leap.

But frankly, I've got nothing better.

Okay, we'll give it a shot.

Okay. But no funny stuff.

Yeah, I wouldn't dream of it. And no playing the stereo when I'm trying to

study. I wouldn't dream of it. Oh, and no overnight guests. And no overnight

goats.

keeping the judges waiting. Good food takes time, but I guess you wouldn't

that.

You're going to have to eat those words, you little twit.

And they'll taste far better than your food.

You guys can cook till dawn. We went out for some chili dogs.

What about all this food?

Oh, don't worry. We'll just pop it in the microwave and have it tomorrow.

Pop it in the microwave?

What a fanciful notion.

Anybody know where the bicarbonate is?

I'll raise you.

Now we'll never know who's best.

Actually, we wouldn't have anyway. I sabotaged your stroganoff.

Well, to be truthful.

I put the fish heads back in your bouillabaisse.

Wesley, you didn't do anything to the turkey, did you?

Uh -uh.

Did you mess with my prime rib?

Never laid a glove on it.

Bet I can eat more than you.

There's one born every minute.

Mr. Belvedere will continue in a moment.

I'm not quite sure what's going on at Kevin's apartment, but at least his

laundry is no longer in tatters.

It did, however, include a pair of lace panties.

There's either a healthy, rational explanation to this, or a good movie of

week.

As for Wesley, he has conceded that I am the undisputed king of the kitchen.

In turn...

I magnanimously allowed him to win our grand eat -off.

Mr. Belvedere, I feel sick.

I feel just dandy.

I'm Ted Koppel. Later on Nightline hints that murder with a homosexual backdrop

was behind the USS Iowa tragedy.

But apparently none of that happened. How did the story surface?

Monday, when a field trip becomes a matter of life and death, it's

greatest challenge.