Original subtitles

So they can watch what may be television's last grand miniseries, War

Remembrance, starting Sunday at 8, 7.

Anyways, I get all my weekends off, holidays too.

I don't do windows, I don't scrub floors, and I ain't fixing to do no

mending or patching.

What exactly do you do?

Well, I tell you, I don't mind shooting varmints.

and I'll hook them up for you.

You ain't lived till you've had my possum surprise.

I think she's smoking it.

Mrs. Deverschmidt, tell me, have you ever had any experience around, what you

know, people?

Well, I worked two years at a home for the criminally insane.

That should come in handy with him.

Mrs. Debra Schmidt, thank you so much for stopping by. We'll be in touch.

Don't you reckon I ought to leave a picture so that you folks will remember

which one I was?

I don't think that'll be a problem.

Suit yourself.

I take it that Mammy Yoakum didn't quite fit the bill.

Gee, I don't know. I kind of liked her.

Of course, I was always a sucker for a babe with a pipe.

Don't worry, Mr. Belvedere. We'll find somebody.

Hey, what are you apologizing to him for?

George. I mean, who the hell ever heard of hiring a housekeeper to take care of

your housekeeper?

Well, it certainly wasn't my fault that somebody left their skateboard on the

stairs.

Well, I just left it there for a minute.

You know there's some lady on our front lawn skinning a squirrel?

Perhaps it was a snack for the bus ride home.

So you guys find anybody good yet? You've been seeing people all day.

Really, honey?

Oh, I don't know. I kind of like that Swedish lady that wasn't wearing any

underwear.

Your dad's the one that pointed it out.

Well, I guess this just goes to show you're a pretty tough guy to replace.

Well,

I knew you'd realize someday there was only one Mr. Belvedere.

Is this the O .N.'s residence?

Oh, yeah.

Jolly good.

In that case... I am your new housekeeper. What?

I'm Mr.

Belvedere.

to our new rival.

Life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Excuse me, but did you say your name is Belvedere? Yes, Galen Belvedere. And do

you two know each other? Yes, we're cousins.

Looks like the family only comes in two sizes.

Dear cousin?

Well, we haven't seen each other for a little while.

No, 20 years to be exact, eh, cuz? Last time I heard, you were rambling round

Rangoon. Something to do with the elephant roundup.

Yes, well, the last I heard of you, dear cousin, you were leaning against a fire

hydrant somewhere other than Pittsburgh.

Well, you know how it is with us Belvederes. In one minute, it's Kuala

The next minute, it's Steel Town, USA.

put them together after all these years. What any coincidence?

Yeah. A small world.

It is with you in it.

Hey, this is great.

Now we've got two Mr. Belvederes and they're both snotty.

Yeah, lucky us.

I take it, Mrs. Owens, that the position of temporary housekeeper is still open?

Well... Actually, the position has already been filled.

It has?

Well, I thought Mrs. Depperschmidt had impeccable qualifications.

Huh? Like what?

Well, um... I thought she looked very nice in burlap.

Well, that's all right, Cousin Lynn. I understand.

I'm sorry to have troubled you.

Hey, Woody! You're not going to just throw your own cousin out on the street,

are you?

Absolutely. Ta -da!

Mr. Belvedere, I'm surprised at you. Don't be upset with my cousin, Mrs.

He only has your best interests at heart.

I'm afraid Lynn knows me for what I really am, an obstinate, opinionated,

-it -all snob.

Gee, that'd be a switch.

Don't be ridiculous, Galen. You're not going anywhere. You're going to stay

and take care of us and get reacquainted with your cousin, and I don't want to

hear another word.

Not even...

Held? We English do enjoy a good

cup of tea, don't we?

Yes, almost as much as we enjoy a good mystery.

Speaking of which, what the hell are you doing at Beaver Falls?

Why, what on earth do you mean?

Oh, come now, Galen. It was no accident. You were just popping up like this, so

up with it.

All right.

I'll tell you, but it has to be our little secret. Agreed? Agreed.

I came here to kill you.

I gotcha.

Galen, I swear... I haven't gotten you that good since Lord Wilfrid's 10th

birthday party. Do you remember when I made you snort chocolate milk through

your nose?

It wasn't chocolate milk, you demented little rugrat.

It was hot salting cocoa.

We did used to have some good laughs, though, didn't we? Yes, usually at my

expense. Oh, I'm not so sure. What about the time I woke up and found you'd

mailed me to Glasgow?

I didn't know why you were so upset.

I sent you first class.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. Time for your afternoon walk.

I'm coming.

Boy, it sounds like you guys are really getting along.

Oh, don't you be deceived, Heather. We still loathe and despise each other.

It's just that sometimes he absolutely slays me. Well, that's why I'm here.

That's it. I've had it with her.

It's Becky's birthday, right?

And I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something really

great to get her.

And then it hits me. She loves to bowl.

Perfect. So I get her this, and what does she do?

She heaves it at me, says it's unromantic.

Now, does this look unromantic to you?

You obviously felt this gift was novel and somewhat endearing, while she was

probably hoping for something more personal and sensitive. I certainly

let my pride get in the way.

Perhaps a dozen red roses stuck in the finger holes here might work wonders in

softening your fair lady's heart.

Hey, that's great.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm Mr.

Belvedere.

Oh. Boy, that diet must really be working.

Good morning, Galen.

Good morning, Cousin Lynn. I trust you slept well in the drawer Mrs. Owens

prepared for you?

Well, not really. It was your underwear drawer.

I woke up in a pair of your boxer shorts, thought I was at a lawn party.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey, what's that smell?

This is breakfast. We have English bangers, Irish oats and scotch eggs. I

it my Empire Strikes Back buffet.

You're wasting your time, Galen. The Owensism or the Pop -Tart mentality.

That's because it's the only stuff you eat.

Yeah, big guy. You haven't made us a hot breakfast in a month.

Well, I have been under the weather. Oh, no. We're under the weather. You're

blocking it.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room.

How are you going to get there? Freight elevator?

This one is contagious, isn't it?

Hello, I'm Mr. Belvedere.

I woke up in your underwear.

under the weather, you're blocking it.

Evening, Cousin Lynn.

I made you some nice hot chocolate.

No, thank you. My nose isn't thirsty.

I don't blame you for being upset with me, Cousin.

Just a bit of bunion on the backside of humanity, that's what I am.

I'll leave you alone.

Are there marshmallows in it?

Little pretty pink and green ones, just like we used to have as children.

Remember? How could I forget?

Here we go, then.

Oh, thank you.

I brought you something else, too.

Mrs. Higginbottom's bedtime tales.

I remember Grandma Georgina used to read them to us both.

I'll read one to you if you like.

Oh, would you?

Let's see if we can find a good one, shall we? Mm -hmm.

Ah, here we are. The Giant and Jeremy Crumb.

That's funny. I don't remember that one.

Oh, you will.

Once upon a time, there was a tiny little man named Jeremy Crumb who lived

pumpkin shell.

Jeremy worked very hard at the thimble factory, but when he came home at night,

he was very sad, for he had no true love to call his own.

Then one day...

Jeremy met the fair maiden Jane.

Jane was tall and beautiful with hair like spun gold.

And she loved little Jeremy even though he only came up to her tuchus.

Then the big fat giant from the land of lard showed up. He made jokes about

little Jeremy and Jane laughed and left him and married a Harlem globetrotter

instead.

And little Jeremy swore revenge against the big fat... flatulent giant.

And now that he's found him, he's going to carve him up into little bite -sized

pieces and feed him to the bloody crows.

Just as soon as your cast comes off, cousin, it's you and me at sunrise. I

challenge you to a duel.

And by the way, I hope you enjoy your cocoa. I put a laxative in it.

Here's some breakfast.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm in kind of a rush today. I have a job interview.

Hey, that's great, Ma.

Oh, yeah, Marsh? What is it?

A new law firm?

No, actually, I'm going to try out to be a Pennsylvania mushroom.

A what?

Well, it's sort of like a California raisin, only it's a little more...

-y.

Oh, what are you going to do, Marsh? Lie down on a big pizza?

getting enough oxygen?

I wouldn't be too concerned. Some people just take a little longer to find

themselves than others. But when they do, they approach life with a whole new

sense of vigor and enthusiasm.

Morning, Cousin Lynn. Breakfast?

I'm not hungry.

Oh, come on now. I made your favorite. Fried oysters and potatoes.

Oh, yes.

A hangtown fry.

Very amusing, you twisted little troll.

What's the matter, big guy?

You seem a little edgy this morning.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

Well, your legs sure must be getting better. I must have heard you clomp into

the bathroom 500 times last night.

Yes, well, my new reader's digest came in yesterday.

Besides that, my legs all swelled up again, so there.

Oh, come on, guys. We're going to be late for school.

Yeah, take it easy, Mr. Belvedere. Yeah, big guy, don't let things get you down.

And remember what they say, cousin? Today is the last day of the rest of

life. No, that's not it. You mean today is the first day of the rest of your

life. Oh, yes.

My mistake.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me now.

He'll kill me.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere! You know that idea you gave me yesterday about the flowers

and the bowling ball and stuff?

Well, I did it, and it worked great. Becky went absolutely nuts.

Hey, you're big again.

We're home.

I see that.

It was great, Mr. Belvedere. Galen picked me up from school, and we went to

neat medieval surplus store. Look at all the stuff we got.

We got these neat dueling pistols, some swords, some ninja Death Stars.

We even almost got a flamethrower.

Unfortunately, they didn't have a pair.

I was beginning to feel a chill.

Come on, Galen. Let's go out and try out the crossbow.

Galen said he can shoot the wings off a fly at 200 yards. Just imagine what I

could do with a larger target.

I just think what I could do with a can of rave, you rancid little...

I took it off.

But your leg isn't better yet. Well, it's not perfect, but it'll do.

Huh? Do what?

Wesley, tomorrow morning at sunrise, my cousin Galen and I are going to have a

duel.

A duel to the death.

Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that?

Not really. Good night.

afraid my cousin's convinced that I slighted him some years ago, and now he

demands satisfaction.

But you can't fight Gale, and he's better than you.

I mean, he's little and fast, and you're big, and... Not so fast. Be

that as it may, Wesley, I am an Englishman, and I prefer death before

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to try and figure out this thing.

Here. What on earth's this?

A bus ticket.

Oh, my.

All the way to Akron.

I would have sent you farther, but American Express called in my card.

Don't worry, Wesley. I'll be gone soon enough.

Yeah, as soon as you blow a few holes in Mr. Belvedere. Well, the choice of

weapons is his. I'm merely getting them ready.

Hey, I mean it. I don't want you hurting him.

I'm sorry, Wesley. There's nothing I can do.

Once... Certain events are set in motion. They become unalterable. You

reverse them.

I'm talking about man's destiny and the forces of the universe.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

The forces of the universe haven't been up against Wesley T. Owens.

I feel like I'm wearing a straight jacket.

Maybe you better get used to it.

Oh, congratulations.

Mrs. Owens, I'm sure you'll be a fungus Pennsylvania can be proud of.

Thank you, Jalen.

Hey, uh, what's with the monkey suit, little guy?

Looks like you're going to a funeral.

That certainly is a possibility.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Owens, I must apologize. There may be some

morning, but rest assured, as soon as it's over with, I'll be on my way.

Keelan Belvedere, I assume you're challenged.

What?

Oh, I get it. It's funny outfit day.

Just a minute, you tin -plated teenybopper. You can't accept my

Oh, yeah?

That's not what it says here.

Miss Manor's Guide to Combat Etiquette.

It says right there on page 57.

In the event the primary opponent becomes ill or incapacitated, his duly

appointed second may replace him on the field of honor. Wait a minute. He's not

incapacitated. He told me his leg was fine.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. Just a few more steps.

Yeah, they're easy. I think something may be broken.

Malinger, a big faker. You're even limping on the wrong leg.

Uh -oh.

I couldn't explain the Louisville slugger imprint on my left shin.

Could somebody please tell me what's going on?

It's Galen. He never really wanted to be our housekeeper. He just came to kill

Mr. Belvedere.

What? In a fair fight, of course.

We were going to have a duel earlier this morning.

That was before Vlad the Impaler came along and took me out to the lineup.

This is ridiculous. I will not have two grown men dueling to the death on my

carpet. Tough talk from a toadstool.

Owens, we promised to limit the bloodletting to the patio.

We were going to do it on the grass, but we thought Galen might get lost in it.

I'd rather get lost in it than graze in it, water buffalo.

Shrimp boat.

Cubby the tuber.

Tickle old Pete.

You see, idiotic jokes like that poisoned the mind of my fiancée and

against me.

Fiancée? What fiancée?

This fiancée here.

You were engaged to Gail Storm?

Gail Storm? That's Gwendolyn Fitzmorris. Fitzy? That's not Fitzy. Fitzy had red

hair. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No, you're thinking of Wanda Grigsby. She

had red hair.

No, Wanda had no hair, you little twit.

She lost it at that fresher demonstration, remember?

Oh, yes.

Well, all I know is I was going to marry somebody and then you waddled over and

ruined the whole thing.

Wait. That's the Guy Fawkes dance.

You... You mean that...

Grog guzzling fiasco way back in 63.

So you do remember.

I remember pulling off Lady Ashley's leg.

I was just asking her to marry me. Oh, really?

You told me you were climbing for coconuts.

Whoops.

Whoops?

You mean I almost got killed over some babe you guys can't even remember?

Yes, and I appreciate that.

Yeah, but that's not the point.

It's not.

No, all my life this man's been insulting me, belittling me, treating me

some kind of freak. I demand satisfaction.

Very well, Galen, if you insist upon this madness, I'll do my best to

accommodate you. Fine. But before we draw a bead on one another, I think you

should know that it was never your size that inspired my insults, but your

stature. What?

You are the most aggravating person I know.

Achievement for achievement, exploit for exploit, insult for insult.

You have managed to one -up me my whole damn life, and it makes me so mad I can

spit. Oh, sorry.

And all this time, I thought it was because I was little.

Galen, you're the biggest pain I know.

So does this mean you guys are calling the duel off? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

confused. Just play.

Not so sure. I think they're pretty happy with the Belvedere they've got.

And where are you off to now?

The road to Mandalay?

Timbuktu?

Akron, actually. Someone who's kind enough to give me a ticket.

I hear it's the bowling capital of the world.

Yes.

Perhaps you could get a job there as a pin.

Well, I'll be going.

Needn't see me to the door.

I won't have to see you at all after tonight.

Cousin, all differences aside, if ever you should feel like returning to

England, there'll always be a place for you at Belvedere Castle.

I appreciate that, Galen. Truly.

Just give me two weeks' notice.

I'll have the drawbridge reinforced.

now that my impish cousin Galen is gone.

I never thought I'd say it, but I almost miss the little twit.

It's always so nice spending time with your family, even if they are out to

you.

Anyway, I shouldn't be too depressed.

After all, I still have Wesley.

I may not have the insult, but I'll always have the injury.

Critic Tom Shale says it's tremendous television. We may never see anything

it again.

It's war and remembrance.

Continuing Sunday at 9, 8 Central and Mountain on ABC.

Wendy pulls a fast one on her father. A fake boyfriend stands in for her.