Original subtitles

Nice surprise.

What happened, Kev? Did you get kicked out of your apartment?

No, I just thought I'd move in for a while. I kind of miss you guys.

And anyway, my apartment doesn't allow pets.

What? Hey, Kevin.

Here's Mr. Whiskers. Who?

Oh, Mom, this is my friend Ginger. Hi.

Ginger is leaving town for a few days, so I promised her I'd help take care of

her cat.

I got a grant to study in Malibu.

get going, so just remember to feed him and to love him, and Mr. Whiskers will

love you right back, just like he loves his mommy. Is he real?

Oh, don't worry. I'll take real good care of him. I promise. Thanks.

And, um, I promise to take care of you, too, just as soon as I get back.

Mr.

Whiskers? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

That's it. I quit.

What's the matter?

The station manager called me into his office today.

Tells me I gotta lose weight.

Why? I mean, you're not that fat.

Yeah, and besides, when you're on TV, you get to hide your stomach behind that

big desk.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

They wanted to make the 6 o 'clock report less formal.

So now they're making the whole news team sit behind the stupid coffee table.

Skip told Tammy my gut looked like the centerpiece.

Well, at least you got to take it home.

I haven't put on that much weight, have I?

Gee, I don't know, Dad. I mean, remember the last time we all went to the park

when Mr. Belvedere went on the sea sauna and stayed even?

Come on, honey, it's no big deal. We'll just put you on a little diet.

I could lose 15 pounds in 10 days.

Or we can wire your mouth shut.

Don't bother.

The station already made arrangements.

They're sending me to some place called Pleasant Valley Ranch and Spa.

Some fancy fat farm up in the Poconos.

Honey, these reservations are for the two of us.

Yeah, well, I want you to keep me company.

Oh, George, I'd love to, but I can't go on such short notice. I have court.

Huh? Well, I can't go to this flab fest all by myself.

I mean, someone's got to go with me, right?

I'm back.

No one glad According to our new rival Life is more than their

survival And we just might live a good life yet

It's sizzling hot.

Uh -huh.

Now this looks like fun.

Looks like mating season at SeaWorld.

here for the next ten days.

Try not to alienate everyone in the first ten seconds.

Why not? They look pretty thick -skinned.

Come on in, fellas.

Don't be bashful.

Hi. Hi.

My name's Bebe. Can you guess what that stands for?

Big buns?

Actually, I was going to guess Brigitte Bardot.

Oh, no, silly.

My name's Betsy Baxter, but my best friends call me Bebe.

You know, like in the gun.

Okay, everybody line up, please.

Three lines.

Hi, my name's Roy Gallagher. Hi, Roy. And on behalf of myself and everyone

at Pleasant Valley Ranch and Spa, I bid you all welcome. Thank you.

Now, I feel certain that most of you must have read about our various

Our facial massages, the tanning salons, quiet moments, sipping fruit smoothies

in a hot tub at sunset.

That's where I came.

Well, forget about it, Petunia.

You ain't doing diddly, not until you lose a few tons.

And that goes for each and every one of you low -life, jelly -bellied lard

buckets.

You got a problem, soldier?

Didn't the brew show mention something about refreshments?

Okay, wise guy, hit the deck and give me 20. I would, but I left my wallet in

the car.

I said get down there!

You find this all pretty funny, huh, Porky?

Why don't you get down there with him?

Why don't we all join in the fight?

Okay, sweethearts, let's hit it. You got a 10K run in five minutes.

George, you better get up. Go away.

George, you're not going to lose any weight lying there like a lump.

Fine, then let's take a hike to a house of pancakes.

George. I don't like these things that sound like 17 any more than you do.

But since we're here, we might as well make the best of it.

I guess you're right.

You know what I am?

It's a lot of candy.

You know what happens if they catch you with these?

or do something about that beast, young man.

I mean, if it's not in here tearing up the furniture, it's out there killing

things. Yeah, poor Grandma Huffnagle still can't find her chihuahua.

I know, I saw Pepe's picture on a carton of milk bones.

All right, look, I'll think of something, I promise.

To the left, and right, and left, and right.

up off my windshield.

Oh, I don't know, George. I found it quite delicious and satisfying.

Come on, big guy. This is me you're talking to. I've seen you eat ding

underwater.

Look, I know this diet isn't easy, but it's as Colonel Gallagher says.

We have to channel our negative food energy into more positive endeavors.

Come on, Lynn. We have a day.

Believe it, she'll do.

Hey,

big guy, what are you in the mood for?

Mushroom or pepperoni?

God's sake, what are you all doing?

We're having a pizza party.

Me and the gang decided that tofu junk just wasn't cutting it, so we ordered us

some real food.

But what about your diets? You're all doing so well.

Oh, come on, Lynn.

one little piece isn't going to hurt you we can work it off later

See, that way Ginger will still think I'm a sensitive feline aficionado. And I

don't have to look at this stupid thing until she gets back.

being levied against you?

No, but I wouldn't mind reversing the charges.

Whereas on the 10th day of October, year of our Lord, 1988, the above charge did

willfully and with complete disregard for the well -being of their fellow

dieters order and consume several large pizza pies on the premises of Pleasant

Valley Ranch and Spa in flagrant violation of Article 319 slash B.

And whereas since the day these jerks got here, they have demonstrated a

unwillingness and or inability.

To get with the program, they are hereby banished from Pleasant Valley Ranch and

Spa in perpetuity.

This is your shame, Lieutenant.

That's awful.

on, big guy. I already apologized.

Don't you big guy me, you pig -nosed delinquent.

I liked it here.

I liked the diet, the discipline, the people.

I felt like Twiggy around these people.

Then you had to go and get us thrown out.

Oh, I don't know what you're so upset about.

I'm the one who's going to get canned if he doesn't lose weight.

You should have thought of that before you called Pinky's Pizza Palace.

You know, dealing with authority.

I mean, the minute somebody tells me what to do, I got to open my big mouth

tell them where to go.

I mean, how am I supposed to tell my kids dad got bounced from a fat farm?

Maybe, maybe you won't have to.

Huh? I mean, we're not expected back for five days.

There must be something.

Okay, fellas, this here's it.

I told you it weren't no holiday inn.

I'm sure it'll suit our purposes just fine.

Okay, you boys know best.

Just remember, once I shove off, there ain't nobody or nothing around here for

hundred miles. Perfect.

Hey, just don't forget to come back and get us, okay, pal? I don't want to be

spending the rest of my life up here with him.

I reckon five days would be enough for anybody.

So you still think this is such a great idea?

Oh, it won't be so bad, George.

We'll eat right.

We'll get plenty of exercise.

We'll take long walks in the woods. The pounds will simply melt away.

You bet.

What's with the ukulele?

We're going to take a...

right, aren't we?

take over our whole house.

It's all Kevin's fault.

He always does stuff like this to impress girls and then he never even

sex out of me.

Wesley.

Well, it's true.

Shh. I think I hear it coming.

Oh, God. I feel like I'm in a diary of Anne Frank.

Hey, what's everybody doing?

Yeah, but one cat couldn't do all that.

He had a party.

So, what are you going to do about it?

Hey, come on, guys.

Give me a break. It's only for a few more days.

It's just a defenseless little pussycat.

so he has urges.

But he's still one of God's creatures and I'm not going to do anything to him.

don't care what he did.

He'd shoot up all your Edie Gourmet records.

Excuse me.

What'd you make?

I call it gulag gazpacho.

It's a little recipe I picked up in a Siberian labor camp.

Tastes like boiled grass.

It is.

That's it, Dolby. We're history.

I knew we didn't bring enough food.

When Klumka Niddlehopper comes back, all he's going to find is two piles of

bleached bones sitting in a puddle of hoop cheese.

What do you think you're doing?

Bon appetit.

Well, where's mine?

This is my dinner. Go mow your own.

I want yours.

Oh, sure.

The other man's gruel is always greener.

Give me that. That's mine! Mine! Mine!

What's happening to us, Belvedere?

I mean, we're fighting over a cud casserole.

It's the madness, George.

The madness that comes with hunger.

I saw it on a lifeboat once.

Fifteen of us fought for days over a single piece of pez.

So what are we going to do, big guy?

Nothing.

We must simply try and control ourselves and think of something else besides

food.

Yeah, like we could play cards or something.

Or maybe I can find a ball game on the radio over there. Splendid idea.

And remember Pizza Posse. They deliver.

Juicy steak.

This just in.

Survivors of that Peruvian airline crash have just been found in a remote

section of the Andes.

Isolated for several weeks, it's alleged that passengers were forced to resort

to cannibalism in order to sustain themselves.

Now on to sports.

What are you looking at? Nothing.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Great idea, big guy.

Maybe I can give you a hand, so to speak.

Biscuits. Thought you boys might be hungry.

Did you say biscuits?

Yeah. With homemade honey butter.

I think he's real, Belvedere.

Got cute.

Gee, thanks, Kitten.

You know, I really gotta hand it to you two. I didn't think you'd last a day at

that fat farm.

Somebody up there really must know what they're doing.

Yeah, I think so.

about him well it's just see somehow his favorite ball got glued

to the middle of the street and he was out there trying to get it and it was

moving van it just came out of nowhere

Took it okay.

Mr. Belvedere will continue in a moment.

At any rate, George and I continue to adhere to our diets.

And I'm proud to say the word ding -dong isn't even in our vocabulary anymore.

George's station is thrilled with the look of their new slimmed -down

sportscaster. And as for me...

I'm happy to report I look simply stunning in my new Brazilian swimming

Of course, that's only my opinion.

I wonder what the neighbors...

incredible Sunday, the on -camera murder of a guest leaves the staff scrambling

to cover its own story on Studio 5B.

Then, they're the one and only Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, and Bill

star in Ghostbusters on the Sunday Night Movie.