Original subtitles

a little late, Andre?

Detention again?

You know, that's what's wrong with you, Mr. Belvedere. You always think the

worst of me. I mean, maybe I'm late because I went to the library or played

with my friends or stayed after school to do some extra credit.

Well, did you?

No, I had detention.

What did you do this time?

All I did was lock this new substitute in the book closet.

Everybody thought it was funny until he started yelling, Let me out. Let me out.

I'm a claustrophobic. Whatever that means.

Wesley, claustrophobia is the extreme fear of being confined to small places.

It's no joking matter.

Gee, I didn't know.

Next time, we'll lock him in the gym.

That's the lab.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Hey, Wes. Uh -huh.

Hello, ladies. How did things go at the retirement home?

Lousy. Our club's been going there every week for a year now, but I think we're

the ones getting old.

Yeah, I was telling this lady about my coat hanger collection, and she just

asleep.

Really?

Do you think I'm boring, Mr. Bricklayer?

I think you're out of your mind.

Have you got any great ideas, Mr. Belvedere?

Yeah, you're pretty old. What gets you excited?

much anymore.

Except perhaps the thought of you moving to Brazil.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere, we're being serious.

Well, it does occur to me that many elderly people enjoy the warmth and

companionship of a small pet.

I even believe there is a program here in Pittsburgh that provides these

animals. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I thought that stuff was just for guys in jail.

They have them for them too, Wesley, so don't worry, you'll get your turn.

idea, don't you think so, Angie? Yeah.

Hey, man, girl, I've got a couple pit bulls you want to get rid of.

Do you think the old people will like them?

While you're at it, why not put a great white shark in the jacuzzi?

Who cares when you drop your jacket?

As you came through the door, no one glared. But sometimes things get turned

around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the dead and fall.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Hello, Kevin.

Hey, Mr. Poverter.

Getting a little bit narcissistic, aren't we?

No, I feel okay.

So, what do you think, huh?

Well, I think with a little ointment, it'll clear up in no time.

It's a mustache.

Oh. It's just, now that I'm in college, I want to look a little older. You know,

more sophisticated.

I see.

Well, I've only been working on it a few days.

In that case, I think it's coming along very nicely.

Especially the hair on the right.

Hi, Mr. Belvedere.

Hello, Mrs. Owens.

George isn't around, is he?

The last time I saw him, he was going down the hall with a bag of Cheetos and

his rubber ducky.

Oh, good.

Because I don't want him to see this.

It's a gold watch.

Oh, what's the occasion?

Are we retiring Mr. Owens from the family?

No, it's our anniversary.

We're celebrating our 20th next week, and I wanted to get George something

really special.

Oh, it's very lovely. Yeah, I know.

I can't wait to see his face when I give it to him. Neither can I.

Especially when he forgets to get you anything.

George wouldn't forget our 20th anniversary.

Would he?

Sorry about these big guys.

They kind of fell in the tub.

That's all right, George. If I get hungry, I'll just dip them in some

Well, see you guys later. I've got to get down to the station.

Oh, George.

Don't forget you've got a big day next week. One step ahead of you, big guy. I

already got it marked on my calendar.

You do?

Pirates start spring training next Tuesday. And this year they're going to

some butts.

Perhaps they'll start with his.

Okay, Bukowski, place your butt.

Oh, oh, uh...

All right.

Oh, my.

Looks like the high rollers have come to town.

No reason to go crazy, Ernie.

Okay. Dealer shows a ten, you get a thirteen.

I'll stay.

What do you mean you'll stay? The dealer shows a ten, you take a card.

But I'm happy with these, Ernie.

All right.

Fifteen.

Dealer has to draw.

Eight. And the dealer busts out.

Oh, would you like to up the stakes?

We could play for clothes.

Hey, everybody, look what we brought.

Hi, want to pet a puppy?

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, he's so rich, God.

Yeah, I kind of figured you'd like him.

Hi, Delark. Hi, Mr. Sparks. Hello, dear. I already told you I don't want no

stupid pet. Mr. Sparks, it'll be fun.

If I wanted something to stink up my room, I'd take Bukowski here.

Come on, Mr. Sparks. Me and Angela picked out something real special just

you. Surprise!

Oh, great.

I tell them I don't like dogs, they bring me Cujo.

He's a St. Bernard.

Yeah, he comes with a keg and everything.

Oh, yeah? Well, now, maybe there's something in here an old man might

huh? Yeah.

It's prune juice.

You should have made it pickle juice to match his disposition.

Come on, Mr. Sparks. Let's take Pierre for a walk.

We'll even let you hold the leash.

Sure. Poochie here. She's a Siamese. Next thing you know, I'll be doing 90 on

the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Oh, don't listen to him, girls. The more he complains, the happier he is.

Well, then I must be having the time of my life.

Sticking around with you three lunkheads.

She's safe.

Anybody here?

Hi,

honey. I thought I heard you in here. Hi, Marcia.

Oh, honey, there's nothing in there I shouldn't see, is there?

Not unless you can't stand the sight of a weed whacker.

I'll be upstairs.

Hey, uh, Belvedere.

What's with her? She's been acting like that all week.

I didn't forget her birthday, did I?

No.

But you're about to forget your 20th wedding anniversary.

Oh.

That's a special one, isn't it?

It is to most people, but then they're not married to you.

Let's say it rates more than that box of Butterbrickle that you gave her last

year. Oh, yeah.

Well, you ate most of that anyway.

Oh, I better think of something.

Some flowers might be nice.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Hello, Wesley.

Turn up another speeding ticket?

It's a lotto ticket.

Oh, yeah?

I didn't know you liked to gamble.

I don't really.

But I like to buy a ticket at the market every now and then just for fun.

Of course, I haven't picked any winning numbers.

Really? I win all the time.

What?

I mean, I know I'm not old enough to buy a ticket, but I still like to pick the

numbers anyway.

I see.

And how did our little make -believe Maya Lansky do this week?

Not so good. I only guessed four of them.

You got four out of six?

That's nothing. A couple weeks ago, I got six out of six.

Chris, did you realize that... Jackpot was worth over seven million dollars?

Yeah. Too bad I'm not allowed to play.

I'm allowed.

Wesley, how wonderful to see you.

Did you have a good day at school?

Here, let me take your books.

I want you to sit down and relax.

Mr. Belvedere's prepared you a little snack.

What's going on?

Did you kill another one of my turtles?

Wesley, you remember those numbers I had you pick for my ticket? Well, four of

them came in. I won $29.

Oh, yeah? That's great.

Just out of curiosity.

What is your system?

Huh? What do you mean?

I mean, how do you pick numbers? I mean, do you use license plates?

Birthdays? No, I don't do anything like that.

I just sit in the dark and the numbers kind of come to me.

Yes. Well, since I'm going to the market again tomorrow, I thought we might try

our luck again.

Sure.

Wonderful.

Bon appetit.

See, Mr. Belvedere, we're going to the restroom to pick up Mr.

Sparks. And Mrs. Lukowski, too, if she's feeling better.

She's been acting kind of tired lately.

Yes, I know the feeling.

I believe it's called Angela -itis.

I hope I don't get it.

So where are you two dragging them off to today?

Well, it was Mr. Sparks turning his side, so he said he wanted to go to this

African cultural place.

Yeah, I think it's called Benny's Congo Room.

Yes, I understand you can get your head shrunk there during happy hour.

Hello, Mr. Sparks. Hi, Mr. Sparks.

Hi.

Nice try, but Mr.

Belvedere told us Benny's conga room's a bar, so we're taking you to the movies

instead. We thought we'd take you to see Snow White because you're always so

grumpy.

Well, come on, let's go sign you out. And I'll go get Dolores.

But Kowski ain't coming.

Oh, is she still feeling sick?

No, she's feeling dead.

What? She died of a stroke this morning.

Stupid broad.

Never could play cards with a dame.

I'm in the money.

I'm in the money.

Hey, Belvedere.

What's the matter, George?

I did it.

I found the perfect anniversary present for Marsha.

I bet she's going to love it. I bet you $100 she doesn't.

What are you talking about?

It's a 20 -speed blender. One setting for every year we've been married.

In that case, I make it $200.

Killjoy.

Hey, Mom, do I look okay?

Oh, you look fine, honey.

It's just I've never been to a funeral before.

Except the one for Wesley's hamster.

I'm not too sure how to ask. Oh, you'll be fine, honey.

Just remember to bring some tissues, and when you offer your condolences to Mrs.

Bukowski's family, be respectful, but not too emotional.

There's nothing worse than people who get too carried away.

you at the funeral?

I was going to go. I guess I lost track of time.

Hey, is that you?

Yeah.

Sergeant Ernest J. Sparks, U .S. Army.

That's Atlantic City, 1945.

Who are those two girls you're with? Your wives?

That's Peggy and that's Ginger.

Real nice girls.

Full toffee for a living.

Boy, they sure seem to like you.

They were just grateful because I won the war.

Yeah. We played a little skee -ball, drank a little booze, danced, finally

asleep under the boardwalk waiting for the sun to come up.

Best time of my life.

So you want to get something to eat or something?

No, thanks.

Oh, we could take you to that mud resting place you're always talking

You girls go ahead.

Look, Mr. Sparks, we know you're depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm all

Well, something must be wrong. I mean, we've been here for almost five minutes,

and you haven't said one nasty thing to us yet.

Just get the hell out of here.

That's better.

I mean, the Bukowski wants to kick off. That's her stupid business. But I'm

sticking around here, so why don't you two bubbleheads hit the road before you

bore me to death?

Come on, Hatch.

Hey, Belvedere. Now I... Got it.

Well, don't give it to me.

I mean, March is anniversary present. I finally found something that's real

special and romantic.

Altoona Motor Lodge. Harley rates available.

That is romantic.

It's just not any old motel.

March and I spent our honeymoon there.

Why? Was Niagara Falls closed for repairs?

I remember it was back in 68.

We didn't have a lot of money.

Just a couple of crazy kids. Just starting out.

Hey, come on, Marcia.

This place is pretty groovy.

Aren't you like forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.

This place is so far out, it's in.

Right on.

Oh, George Field.

Little Moonshadow just kicked me.

Or Moondoggy if it's a boy.

Moondoggy?

Yeah, but then he got born and he looked more like a Kevin.

What do you think, big guy? Is this romantic or what?

Yes. I especially like the panoramic view of strip mining.

Yes, operator, that's right.

The East Kensington Wagering Society.

In London, yes.

And ask for Reggie.

I'm home.

Oh, Wesley, you're just in time. What do you think of the number eight?

I guess it's okay.

Hey, are you betting again?

Oh, not really.

No, it's just that Princess Anne's favorite schnauzer, Fritzie, is going to

tops, and I thought it might be fun to guess how many.

Huh? Hello, Reggie.

Lynn here.

Listen, about the royal litter.

Put me down for 5 ,000 pounds.

Hello?

Hello?

Wesley, what are you doing?

Mr. Belvedere, you can't bid on crazy stuff like that. Oh, nonsense. We do it

all the time in England.

Why, I once made a killing.

guessing the exact circumference of Prince Charles' earmuffs.

I don't know, Mr. Belvedere. I don't think I should give you any more

Why not? We're both doing so well.

Well, it was fine when you were just playing lotto. But now you're so crazy,

you'd probably bet on anything.

Fifty dollars says I won't.

I'm sorry, Wesley. I have probably gone a bit overboard.

But perhaps with a little fresh air and sunshine, I'll be my old self again in

no time.

Yeah, right.

So where are we going, Mr. Belvedere? The track.

All set for the big weekend?

Yeah. Marsha still doesn't know we're going to Altoona. She thinks we're going

to New York City.

You mean that awful place with the fine restaurants and the Broadway shows?

Hey, look, that old motel means a lot to both of us. And we're going to have a

great time.

Okay, I'm ready.

Whoa!

Bye -bye, Mr. Belvedere. We'll be back Sunday, I guess. Have a wonderful time.

I would, if I knew where we were going.

Hey, come on, Marsh. I told you I want to surprise you.

All right.

Hey, remember the last time you surprised me like this?

Huh? It was our honeymoon.

He took me to this rat hole in Altoona. Oh, it was the worst.

Happy anniversary.

Here you go, Mr. Belvedere. Got your London Times.

Thank you.

Thank you, Leslie. Seven.

Excuse me?

Fritzie, the royal bow -wow, showing you had seven puppies instead of eight.

See, it says right here, septuplets for Princess Anne.

What? Now, aren't you glad I stopped you from making that stupid bet?

Actually, I doubled that stupid bet.

You what?

I thought we were doing so well at the track.

I suppose I got a little cocky.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere, you just lost a ton of money.

How do you... going to pay it off? Oh, don't panic, Wesley.

It was something of a transatlantic wager.

So? So they're not about to send a couple of thugs from England to collect

Get that for me, would you, Wesley?

Hello, mate.

Goodbye, and it was a pleasure doing business with you.

Tell Reggie I want some change.

Sorry about your Van Gogh.

Well, I had to give them something.

They wouldn't take you.

Hey, this isn't my fault.

I know, Wesley.

And I think I've learned my lesson.

I'll never make another bet.

Fine. Let's shake on it.

pause, okay?

He won't even come to the phone.

You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss him.

Miss who?

It's Mr.

Sparks. Ever since Mr. Pekowski died, all he does is sit in his room and look

old photographs, like his life is over, too.

Well, I'm sure if you give him enough time, he'll come around.

It's already been a week.

that place. You know, take him to the movies or the park or something. I'm

he'd feel a whole lot better.

That may be true.

But if a man wants to be left alone, there's nothing I can really do about

Short of kidnapping him.

I'll go get some rope.

It's all clear.

Hey, good work. I already told you two dumbos I just want to stay in my room.

See, you sound better already.

Sorry, Mr. Sparks, but you're going to the movies. I don't want to go to the

movies. I don't want to go anywhere.

Yeah, well, you're going to go somewhere whether you like it or not.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Fine.

Take me to Atlantic City.

All right.

Hey, wait. We can't go to Atlantic City. That is way... too far.

And besides, we don't have any money.

I got $15 ,000 in my sock drawer.

I'll get it.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go.

I still can't believe my luck.

I'm actually on my way to Atlantic City with $15 ,000. Big ones.

Of course, they'll probably want some of it.

But I can handle them.

Anyway, I sure hope Mr. Belvedere doesn't find out about this.

But if he does, so what? I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

Wesley!

Uh -oh.

Next on Mr. Belvedere.

Come on, Angela, let's go next door and try and address this Mr. Spock spot us.

Hey, this isn't fair!

It was my idea to kidnap him in the first place, and now you've got...

me.

What are you two gawking at? I happen to have a daughter their age.

Great. Send her over.

Here's your cut sugar.

I've got to get to church.

Owens residence.

The big kahuna speaking.

Tomorrow at 8, what is a California girl?

Primetime has never seen anything like what we're about to show you. Lorenzo

Llamas hosts a revealing new special, California Girls, followed by the movie,

California Girls.

Now, stay tuned for Cowboy Joe.

Previously on Mr. Belvedere. Hi, Sir Lark. Hi, Mr. Lark.

Hello, dear.

Are you all right?