Original subtitles

But you were our petunia pig.

Oh, look at that one of Kevin when he broke his arm.

Oh, Kevin, come here for a minute.

Oh, you look so brave in your little cap.

Uh -huh, I understand.

Okay, could you please have Colonel North call me when he gets back from the

cleaners with his uniform?

Thanks.

Getting some tips on testifying?

No, it's for my stupid history assignment.

I've got to find some stupid person who was at some stupid historical event and

get them to talk to my stupid class.

Well, at least you've got a good attitude.

I figured I'd get someone to talk about that Iran -Contra thing.

I'm surprised you didn't call the president.

No. Even if I got through, he probably wouldn't remember much.

I'm never going to find anybody who ever saw anything.

You know, Wesley, I've been involved in quite a bit of history.

Yeah, I remember.

You got the first bag of double -stuffed Oreos.

I mean, besides that, I was at the opening of the UN, at the coronation of

Elizabeth, and I was at the city zoo the day someone let the rhino loose and it

ran amok downtown Pittsburgh.

Nah, can't be something about me.

No one's

there.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live the good life yet.

Mr. Belvedere.

Do you mind 20 minutes, Mrs. Owens?

If you'd like to tell Wee Willie Winky.

Oh, yeah, real cute, Mom.

Oh, I guess the kids do get a little bored looking at these.

Oh, that's a very nice picture of George and Heather in the park.

Oh, well, actually, um, that's me.

Right before we got married.

Nice of him to buy you a balloon.

I just realized we don't have one nice picture of the whole family together.

At least not since this one that we took for our Christmas cards, but that was

ten years ago.

Wes wasn't even talking yet.

It must have been the best Christmas ever.

I went over to talk to Grandma Huffnagle. I figure, she's 87. She must

a lot of history. That's true. So what did she say?

I don't know.

I think it was no more strained peas.

Well, you know, honey, actually, I was kind of an eyewitness to history.

Oh, yeah? Where?

A place called Woodstock.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that. Yeah.

Oh.

It was the summer of 69.

And a half a million young people came together in a spirit of peace and music.

And I was there.

Heather said it was just a bunch of crazy people smoking dope and running

naked.

Well, there was that, too.

Hey, guys.

Hi, honey. What's going on?

Mom was just telling me about being naked in the woods.

Sorry I missed it.

Huh? You know, the time you said you almost took it in your shorts?

You mean the three -day pass in Seoul?

No,

no. It was that battle on Hill 711 or something.

Oh, right. It was Hill 142, Wes.

That was a long time ago.

Yeah, but you were a hero, right? I mean, the Chinese had you pinned down,

your platoon was low on ammo, so you crawled up the hill and blew up the

with a grenade you made out of a car.

That's right, champ.

Boy, what a great story.

Thanks, Dad.

It was nothing, pal.

Come on, Mom. Why can't I get it now?

Because there's nothing wrong with the one you've got. Mom!

Look, you're not going to get another one until you're old enough to pay for

yourself, and that's final.

What are we talking about? A new car?

A new nose.

My next guest.

article in this magazine.

50 best celebrity noses. Which one would you pick?

Thank God.

Yes? I was called about shooting the family.

What a delightful idea.

Mr. Friendly? Phil.

Phil's family photos.

That's me right there.

It's not a very good picture.

What's going on?

Well, I decided that since we don't have a picture of the family, I'd have one

done professionally.

Well, that sounds splendid.

If you'd like, I could show you some samples and maybe give you a few ideas.

I remember when I took a picture of Gandhi and his family.

He hadn't eaten for three weeks.

And I made the mistake of saying, cheese.

Why don't I make some coffee?

Or if you don't want a formal sitting, we could do an outdoor shot or a

composite or we could dress you up like cavemen.

These people here were crazy about the Flintstones.

Actually, I think just the family on the couch would be nice.

Sure. Heather!

Oh, guys, come here a minute.

Mr. Friendly, I'd like you to meet my sons. This is Kevin and Wesley and my

daughter, Heather.

So, what's going on?

I'm going to take your picture, little boy.

Are you from the police?

He's going to take a picture of all of us. So if you guys want to sit down,

get an idea how this is going to look.

Hey, shouldn't someone go get Heather a paper bag?

Here's the coffee.

Oh, thanks.

Mr. Belvedere, we are going to take the picture on the couch. We're just trying

to figure out where to put everybody.

Oh. Yeah, I don't know if we should all sit or stand or what.

Yeah, it does look a little lopsided. Is this everyone?

Oh, no, no, no.

Um, Mr. Belvedere. Yes?

Would you please sit here and pretend to be George?

Oh, certainly.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, can I have a cup of coffee?

No, it'll stunt your growth.

And I want you moving out as soon as possible.

No, I'm not going to drink it. I just want something to dunk my donut in.

Dunk it in your oatmeal.

Wesley.

Yes, Wesley, stop playing with your food.

If Mr. Friendly calls out doing the portrait, tell him that Thursday night

be fine.

Certainly.

Oh, by the way, you know, Thursday's my day off. I may be going out.

Oh. Well, that's perfect. We won't get in your hair.

Hey, guys.

See you later.

Hey, wait a minute, Derek.

anything Thursday morning, are you?

I don't think so, champ. That's great, then. You can come talk to my class.

About what? Being a big TV sportscaster?

No, it's my history assignment.

You're going to tell everybody about the Korean War and how you took cell 142.

Oh, yeah, right. I got to go.

All right. Before we get to our math quiz, I'd like to find out who

bringing for his or her eyewitness to history.

Lisa.

was at Disneyland on opening day in 1955.

She was the very first person to throw up on the teacups.

That sounds very nice, Lisa.

Vance.

I'm greeting my father, Vance Sr.

In 1984, he engineered the leveraged bio to consolidated products.

He put 5 ,600 people out of work.

Thank you, Vance.

Wesley.

My father, too, because he was in the Korean War, and he's going to tell all

about how he blew up a bunker on Hill 142 and saved his whole platoon.

Hey, I met your dad. He couldn't have been in Korea. He's not old enough.

What do you mean? He's plenty old. He's almost 50.

The Korean War lasted from 1950 to 1953, and that would have made him about 12.

Not if you're posing for Gestapo girls.

Well, I want to wear this in a family photo, but Mom says I've got to look

Well, I'd like to help you.

But this picture business doesn't really concern me.

Oh, okay.

A little light reading?

Huh? Oh, I bought this set of encyclopedias for the kids a couple of

I really got to look at them.

Any particular reason you chose the letter K?

Uh, yeah, I'm going on vacation.

Thinking of going to Kathmandu.

Look, uh, that stuff I told Wes about Korea and me, I may have exaggerated

a little.

I take it there is no hill one for two.

Oh, there's a hill.

Just didn't get to it till 1961.

Oh.

I suppose hostilities had pretty much died down by then.

The thing is, I'd be sitting with Wes watching one of those old John Wayne

movies, and he'd turn to me and say, What did you do in the war, Daddy?

I mean, what was I supposed to say? Peel spuds and pull guard duty?

So you're going to tell him?

I don't know.

I figure, bone up on this stuff, so I can bluff my way through.

I mean, they're just a bunch of kids.

I'm home.

Hey, Wes, what happened?

Nothing. I think you got in a fight after school.

A little action on the playground, huh, champ?

Yeah, more than you ever saw in Korea.

Hey, Wes.

I brought you some ice.

I'm not thirsty.

No, it's for your eye.

Look, I never meant to lie to you. It's just nothing I ever did was ever all

that exciting.

So you just made everything up?

Yeah, all that bunker stuff.

Gregory Peck did that in Porkchop Hill.

What about the coconut grenade?

Was that Porkchop Hill, too?

Swiss Family Robinson.

So everything else you've ever told me, is that all a big fat lie, too?

That depends.

How much do you remember?

I used to think you were the greatest dad in the world. Now I'm never going to

believe another word you say.

Hey, Wes, I'm... You don't have to worry about coming to my class.

I'll just find someone else.

to Mr. Friendly about the portrait and everything's all set for Thursday night.

Sure. I'm not having my picture taken with this nose.

Your nose is fine.

No, it's not. It's starting to look like his.

Oh, thanks.

How's everyone's dinner?

George, you haven't touched your pork chops.

Real funny.

I'll be upstairs.

I'll be outside.

I'll be in my room.

Everybody seems so touchy tonight.

I wouldn't know. I just work here.

Is there any dessert?

Anything go down?

No, just some dumb war movie.

Dad should watch it. He might get some new ideas.

Wesley.

You know...

Your father feels very badly about what happened.

I'm sure.

So anyway, if it's still okay, I'd like you to come and talk to my class.

Certainly, Weston.

I'd be flattered.

Thanks.

Your stories may be boring, but at least they're true.

Sure, Sonia, I'd love to go.

Are you kidding? I'm crazy about Latvian folk dancing.

Great. Tomorrow at seven.

I'll be there with bells on.

Oh, everybody will?

Kevin,

I thought you'd given up on women.

Oh, yeah, but Sonia's from behind the Iron Curtain, so I figure she'll be more

grateful.

She is gorgeous.

I hate to burst your Baltic bubble, but I think tomorrow night is the family

photo.

Oh, no.

Mr. Loverdick, you've got to do something to help me. Fine. I'll take

have no plans.

Something wrong?

No.

It's just a little joke.

Hey, are you hurt because Mom didn't ask you to be in the family photo?

That's ridiculous.

And when did you get so perceptive anyway?

Look, I'm sure if I tell her how you feel, she'll... Don't you be the word of

this to anyone.

Else I'll tell your parents about Monique and why the station wagon had to

new shocks.

So, do I sleep with Mrs. Owens?

So, I hear you're pinch -hitting for me at Wes's class.

Yes. He asked me to talk about my time in London during the Blitz.

You're lucky. At least you got bombed on.

I take it you spoke to him.

I tried, but you know how kids get.

Upset.

The thing is, my old man told me a lot of fish stories. I never got mad at him.

Perhaps you're a more convincing liar than he was.

So what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I gotta get my kid's respect back.

I don't know.

Perhaps you should stop telling him about the man you aren't and start

like the one you are.

This is my room.

I waited outside for hours and hours, and finally he came out.

And as he passed by, I reached out and touched his robe.

He stopped, placed his hand on my head, and let me kiss his...

and as long as I live.

Thank you very much, Mrs. Myers, for telling us all about the time you met

Brown.

Wesley,

I believe your guest is next.

My eyewitness to history is my housekeeper, Mr. Belvedere.

He was in London when the Germans were dropping bombs on it, and he's going to

tell what a scary and exciting time it was.

Actually, I don't remember a thing.

Except it was very loud.

What are you doing?

You're supposed to talk about shooting down planes, putting out fires, stuff

like that.

I must have been out of town that weekend.

I'm going to get an F if you don't say something.

Very well.

George.

Hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to talk about Korea like you asked me to.

I already know you didn't do nothing.

I didn't do anything.

Thanks.

Might as well go ahead.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Wes's dad, and I guess you guys already know I wasn't exactly Rambo.

In fact, I sort of missed the whole war altogether.

I'm the one who figured it out.

That's great.

Where'd you say you lived again?

Anyway, like I said, by the time I got to Korea, the war was over, and there

wasn't much chance of getting shot or bombed or anything.

But it was just as cold there and I was just as far away from home.

It was lonely at night out on the perimeter, especially when you don't

wife yet and a great kid like Wes here to keep you company in your thoughts.

So to make a long story short, I didn't take any hills and I didn't save any

platoons.

I got my butt kicked in a couple of poker games.

Anyway, I just wanted to set the record straight.

I thought I should do it in person.

Thanks.

Mom said we're going to be taking a picture pretty soon.

Yeah, okay, champ.

Hey, uh, you want to toss the ball around for a minute?

We'll catch heck from Mom if we get dirty.

Yeah, right.

Uh, you don't have to come to school today and say all that stuff.

I know.

Hope I didn't embarrass you.

No. Even Vance said it took a lot of guts to show your face.

Besides, his father couldn't come because he got indicted.

So it got to me when you said you were never going to believe me again.

Oh, it's okay.

I was lying about that.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. And you know, I like the story you told today even better than the one you

made up.

Especially the part about how great I am. That was good.

I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.

Listen, I've got a date. Couldn't you take my picture now and stick it in

I still can't see why I can't wear my other outfit. I already told you. No

leather and no chains.

I don't have to wear the mask.

Oh, okay, everybody on the couch.

Well, if there's nothing else, I'll be toddling off to the cinema.

Hey, you can't go. We're taking a picture.

Oh, honey, Mr. Belvedere doesn't want to be in our silly picture.

Do you?

I wouldn't know. I haven't been asked.

Well, I would have, but we never know how you're going to react to this kind

thing. What do you mean?

Well, if I'd asked... you, you probably would have said no. But I didn't, so now

you're hurt.

Yes.

That's what makes me so fascinating.

More like a pain in the butt.

I mean, sometimes you act like you want to be part of this family, sticking your

nose in everyone's business.

But the minute we say sit down and join us for dinner, you give us that I'm only

the housekeeper routine.

Well, it's just that sometimes I crave the warmth of a wonderful family like

this.

And then Wesley will do something like that, and I'll think it's time to go.

Sorry.

So which is it? You part of the family or what?

Lucky for you, I have my best suit on.

Mr. Belvedere, we'll be right back.

Here's why these New England fishermen... Friday, Mr.

Belvedere moves to his new time.

Hey, how come the minute something bad happens, everybody automatically thinks

did it? And Kevin's girlfriend shows her true colors.

How would you like it if I was the one up there posing nude?

It wouldn't bother me.

Can I just hear someone volunteer?

Next week at 8 .30, 7 .30 Central, it's Mr.

Belvedere.

Suffice it to say, it's been an eventful week here with the Owens clan.

George has Wesley's respect back.

Wesley got his grade back, B minus.

And the family got their pictures back.

And if my ears don't deceive me, I believe Kevin's back from his date.

Hello, Kevin.

I don't even want to talk about it.