Original subtitles

Never again, thanks to the revolutionary new Nose Master, the electronic nose

hair extractor.

And it's so easy to use.

Hello, Wesley.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, you look neat.

Thank you.

Sort of like Dracula when he's going to suck somebody's blood.

I'd start with yours, but you're not my type.

Actually, it's the appropriate dress for the opera.

I'm taking your parents to Puccini's Tusca.

Oh, yeah? We go to Puccini's for pizza.

I'm sure we'll wind up there.

Come on, Wes. We're supposed to meet Angela at the movies.

I'm not going.

All they ever want to see is that mushy teenage junk.

Yeah, well, all you ever want to see is that gross -out horror junk.

Well, why don't you compromise and go and see Texas Chainsaw Love Story?

We're ready. Oh, Mrs. Owens, you look lovely.

You too, George.

Thanks. So how long is this opera thing going to last?

It'll be over when the fat lady sings.

Really?

Come on, George. It won't hurt us to get a little culture.

Yeah, you're right.

And in case it gets a little boring, you can always listen to the hockey game on

this. No, George.

Hey, Dad, can I have the keys to the car?

Oh, sure, pal.

Hey, these are for the wagon.

Yes, Kevin.

You'll have to take the brown bomber this evening.

Why, are you guys going out?

No, no, no. We thought we'd get dressed and watch Punky Brewster.

I can't take the wagon. I'm going to a party.

I mean, what if I meet somebody? The doors don't work. She'll have to crawl

through the window.

Sounds like my kind of date.

Come on, Dad.

You said you were going to help me buy a car, remember?

I've already saved $1 ,800.

Okay, pal, I'll tell you what. I'll match your 1800, and we'll go out

for a new set of wheels tomorrow.

All right.

Thanks, Dad.

You too, Mom.

Have fun.

Excuse me, but I have a very important announcement to make. Now you're leaving

home.

No, I'm staying home.

I mean, I'm 11 1⁄2 years old, and I'm smart, and I've proved I can be

responsible, so I think I've earned the right to stay here by myself and not

have to go to the movies with two dumb broads. Yeah.

George, what do you think?

I think it'll be okay for him to be here alone, right, Belvedere?

Yes, but I'd check you home on his policy first.

Okay, Wes, but we're only letting you because we trust you. Now, you remember,

you don't open the door to anybody and you're in bed by ten. Sure, Mom.

We'll be back in a few hours, champ.

Never met her before.

Who cares?

When you dropped Kate your jacket, as you came through the door, no one

According to our new rival, life is more than mere survival.

And we just might live a good life yet.

Hey, Kev, why don't you get a vet? Here's a used one for $30 ,000.

Great. I can almost afford one of the hubcaps.

How about this one?

Uh, 1979 Cadillac for only $300.

Oh, yeah?

Down at the bottom.

Excellent condition.

One owner.

Phil's dead pet removal service.

I just figured if anything happened to Heather, we'd be all set.

Hey, come on, Belvedere, give me a break.

I was sorry.

I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

It's just I didn't even think I was going to like the opera, but when Tosca

into her big aria, I guess I got a little carried away.

I'm happy you enjoyed it, George.

But you didn't have to stand up and yell, do it to me, Mama.

Does this mean you won't take me to see their fleermouse?

I'll think about it.

Wes, what did you do here last night?

Nothing. Well, I mean, I had a couple of grape sodas, watched They Saved

Hitler's Brain on TV, and got some cookies and went to bed.

So how do you explain this?

Hey, that's from your room.

What happened to Home Sweet Home?

Obviously, somebody spilled something on it and tried to get it out with bleach.

So, come on, Wes, let's hear it.

I don't know what happened.

Oh, no?

Well, I've got a pretty good idea.

They trusted me, the fools.

Then I bet you went into the kitchen and got your grape soda and God knows what

else.

Mine!

Oh, mine!

If downstairs wasn't good enough for you, you decided you'd rather go up to

room and watch adult movies on cable.

Wouldn't you?

to be watching, Wesley.

Then you probably started jumping up and down on

the bed, spilled your grape soda on this and tried to get it out with some

bleach.

So what do you have to say, Wes?

I didn't do it. All I did was watch TV downstairs and went right to bed.

The pizza I ordered didn't even come.

Well, you're confined to this house until you're ready to tell the truth.

Hello, Kevin.

What you doing?

Nothing. I saw him aloud.

Oh, yeah. I heard you got grounded.

Weird thing is, I didn't even mess up that pillow.

Plus, I'm starting to do bad stuff in my sleep.

Mr. Belvedere says some psychopaths do, you know.

Don't worry, Wes.

You didn't do it.

Huh? How do you know?

Because I did.

No, actually, it wasn't me. It was Rosemary Rubinsky.

Who?

This great -looking girl I met at the party I went to.

See, I thought I had the place to myself, so I brought her back here.

Oh, wow.

You've got the biggest dorm room I have ever seen.

And I have seen 20.

Oh, don't worry. They're all out for the night. Oh, yeah?

Oh, and listen, I'm really sorry you skinned your knee getting into the car.

It's no big deal.

I've crawled through pet doors.

Uh, Rosemary? Yeah?

Don't you think you've had enough?

Yeah, I guess so.

What's up here?

Oh, you know, the usual upstairs stuff.

Bathrooms, closets.

Bedrooms. Oh, yeah?

Thank you.

Nice try, Mr.

Belvedere. Hiding the chips ahoy under the asparagus.

Rosemary, what's the matter? You okay?

I don't think I feel so good.

Oh, no, no, please, please, not here. There's a bathroom right over...

I hope you don't sleep on that pillow.

I'm sorry.

Really, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. I'll take you home.

Thanks, Howard.

It's Kevin.

Whatever.

So, after I put her on the bus, I came back here and straightened up the best I

could. I put that stupid pillow in the closet, but I guess Mom found it anyway.

Boy, you got a girl drunk and let her barf in Mom's room?

So you see why I can't tell them, don't you, Wes?

Sure, Cal.

That's right, buddy.

I'll do it. Hey, wait a minute.

Come on, Wes, I'm this close to getting a car.

I mean, if you tell them you did it, the worst they're going to do is ground you

for a week with no TV.

I'll be walking for the rest of my life.

I don't know, Cal. Oh, come on, Wes, huh?

For me?

When I get my car.

I'll let you drive it.

We're back from Lumberama.

Hey, Kev.

Guess what we saw in the parking lot?

A for sale sign with an 83 Camaro attached to it. Oh, yeah?

Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. Oh?

I lied about last night. It's just like you said, Mom. I was jumping up and down

on your bed and I spilled my soda and ruined your pillow and I'm sorry.

Well, I'm glad you told us the truth.

But you're going to have to be punished. No TV, and you're grounded for a week.

Drinking on the job again, big guy?

Actually, I found it under your bed.

Huh?

Guess I forgot to mention that.

Making a ship in a bottle?

This is not funny, young man. We want to know what's going on. Now, where did

you get it?

Well, it's like you said before.

I couldn't wait to have the house to myself and start messing around.

So, uh... Have a good time, everybody.

You too, Heather.

Mr. Belvedere's secret stash of scooter pies.

Mine, all mine!

But downstairs wasn't good enough for me, so I decided I'd rather go up to

room and watch dirty movies on cable.

I hope she's buying this.

Anyway, I was on your bed watching TV, just like you said, when I heard this

-tap -tapping sound at the window.

the month club.

Have a nice day.

Wait a minute, this is for the Huffnagels. Have a nice day. Hey, wait!

with this, mister. You get upstairs.

Yes, ma 'am.

Lord, 16 times, what do you get?

Another day older and deeper in debt.

St. Peter, don't you call me because I can't go.

Oh, great.

Hey, Wes, where do you see the car I'm going to get? It is on...

Maybe Mom and Dad will let me change the oil.

Oh, look.

Well, Wes, I'm really sorry. I didn't think they were going to come down so

on you.

That's okay. I got a break pretty soon. I got to go see a counselor about my

alcohol problem.

Hey, look, Wes. I didn't know she left that bottle there.

But, uh, that booze of the month story?

That was real quick thinking.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, Wes.

I'm going to make this up to you. I promise.

Actually, this isn't so bad.

Hmm?

Never been punished for something I didn't do.

It's kind of a nice change of pace.

Here's the bread and water you requested.

Hey, this isn't very stale.

I'm sorry.

But there is some old.

Oh, okay then.

Wesley, who asked you to do this?

Nobody. It's just I finished cleaning the septic tank and it was still light

out, so I figured what the heck.

What are you doing?

Just checking for fever.

You're obviously delirious.

Hey, I'm fine.

I just think when you've been as bad as I have, you deserve all the punishment

you can get.

Revelations strike you? I don't know what you're talking about.

Heather, is this your earring? I found it in the chair in my bedroom.

No, I don't wear junk like that.

I wondered where that went.

Now,

it's you, Kevin.

Oh, hi, Mr. Broderick.

I heard the sound of manual labor.

And naturally, I thought it was your brother.

Well, it's just Mom and Dad are coming down pretty hard on Wes, and I figured

I'd help him out.

I feel sorry for the little guy.

That's nice.

Kevin, you know Wesley pretty well.

What do you make of all this?

Gee, I really haven't given it much thought.

I guess I've been all wrapped up in getting my new car.

I think what puzzles me the most is that Wesley's usually so good at covering up

his tracks.

Yeah, he usually is.

I mean, bleach on the pillow, a bottle under the bed.

Doesn't sound like him.

Sounds more like the work of a bungling half -wit.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Mel Wesley.

How's our psychopathic alcoholic cross -dresser doing?

Fine, thank you.

Hey, Wes.

Hey, Ed.

Um, look, I just got... Through talking to your mom, I think it'd be a good idea

for the two of us to do some guy stuff.

Like go hunting or welding or something.

Welding would be good.

I could fix my earring.

Right, champ.

I gotta go to the bank.

We'll talk later.

Sure, Dad.

You know, Anthony, they're all very concerned about you.

Yeah, I know.

But I'm not.

Huh?

I'm on to you.

I know exactly what happened on Friday night.

You do?

Mm -hmm.

Have a good time, everybody.

You too, Heather.

Now, with the house to yourself, you were finally free to fulfill your

dream, Wesley's Casino.

Evening, folks. How's everybody doing? Hey, Bob, nice to see you.

Can I get another round of knee highs for the folks over here?

Then you glanced over to the roulette table and noticed her, the sweet

blonde whose luck had gone sour.

24 black.

Sorry, ma 'am.

Please, just another 500.

I won't ask for any more.

Well, seems to be the problem, all right.

Henri explained that Lola had been losing steadily in the operas and was

into the house for 15 ,000 big ones.

Thank you, Henri.

Sure.

Guess it's not your night.

At least not yet.

Maybe I should call you a cab.

Why don't you call me Lola?

Why don't I get your coat and we'll call it a wrap?

It is a wrap.

Oh.

Loneness smells like trouble.

So you went upstairs to clear your head.

Hi.

Care to join me?

How'd you get up here?

I used the ladder the booze of the month guy left.

You know, baby, you don't belong in here. This is my mom's room.

Look, I need some money.

Couldn't you give me something for these?

Your ears?

No, these.

They're worth thousands.

You still owe the box of Cracker Jacks this came in?

Please, I'm desperate.

You've got to give me enough money to get a bus ticket out of town.

I'm running away from my husband.

He's a Pittsburgh pirate, and he's insanely jealous.

Is that my problem?

them back what are you doing here mr belvedere it's my story i can do what i

like

Where's everybody?

Your parents went to pick up your new car.

All right.

It's a secret.

Target.

Hi.

Yes? Can I help you?

Yeah. I think I left one of my earrings upstairs.

Believe this is what you're looking for?

Yeah, it is. Thanks.

Sorry again about that pillow.

I hope it all came out.

I think it just did.

Hey, Kev.

Guess what's cherry red and sitting out in the driveway?

My butt in about two minutes?

So when you guys just assumed it was Wesley, and I wanted the car so bad, I

talked him into taking the blame.

I didn't think it was going to get so complicated.

Well, it's nice to know the truth.

Finally.

Sorry.

Listen, buddy, you ought to know better than to bring a girl like that in this

house.

You take her to a motel.

Who knows what I mean?

So I guess the car's going back, huh?

Well, it would, except it's already paid for.

Yeah? So your sister can drive it until we decide you learned your lesson.

What?

Nope. Guess you guys want to say you're sorry, right?

You're the one who's going to be sorry, buster.

All this time, your father and I have been worried sick that our son is a

and a compulsive liar.

God knows what else.

You are in very, very, very big trouble.

That booze counselor cost us a hundred bucks.

That's coming out of your allowance.

How'd it go, boys?

Great. Now we're both grounded.

Don't feel too bad.

I think your sister will be joining you in a moment.

Things are a bit slow here around the Owens household.

What with all three children confined to quarters, there's nobody left to get

into trouble, making things awfully dull for me.

Hopefully, George will do something stupid and liven things up a bit.

Of course, there's been so many fantastic stories and hyperbolic

flying around lately, it's getting tough to tell what's real and what isn't.

Tomorrow at 8 on an ABC movie special, a Disney adventure classic, a timeless

story for the whole family, Swiss Family Robinson.

Then the hits keep right on coming, but for Spencer, they're not music to his

ears, songs better for hire.

Now, stay tuned for I Married Dora.