Original subtitles

Hey, guess who's breezing into town for a visit this week?

Victor Moan?

Oh, Wendy.

She's coming in from Stanford for semester break.

That's nice.

Were you expecting some money?

No, my homework.

I sent her my chem assignment a week ago and she still hasn't mailed it back

yet.

Wendy's still doing your homework?

Yeah, sometimes.

Kevin, the girl's in California.

I know. The postage is killing me.

Polly want a cracker?

Polly want a cracker?

Come on.

I don't know what his problem is.

Still no luck?

The guy who sold me this turkey told me he'd be yacking away in no time.

But so far, it's Zippo.

Yeah, and I've been talking to him for hours, every night for the past two

weeks. Wesley, we are supposed to cherish our pets, not to torture them.

You've been teaching Elvis his rattling around in that little bird brain of his.

Just wait until the proper moment to burst out.

So be patient.

Okay.

Come on, champ. I'll drive you to school.

Take good care of Elvis, okay, Mr. Belvedere?

Oh, yes. I'll polish his beak along with the silverware.

Want a cookie, Elvis?

Suit yourself.

Hello, choppy. Hello, choppy.

Time things get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the dead and poor.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Didn't Wesley teach you anything else?

I have fat so.

Much better.

Hey, he's talking. That's great.

Yes, wonderful.

Has he said anything else?

Hello, Chubby. Hello, Chubby.

It's just the guy at the pet shop said the easiest things for them to learn are

simple melodic -sounding phrases.

And if you think about it, hello, Chubby said... sounds almost kind of pretty.

Yes, sort of like Strangle Wesley.

I get it.

Hi, I just flew in from California. Can I use your bathroom?

How you doing? What's going on at Stanford?

Oh, you know, the usual. I get up, I go to class, I got engaged.

What? I said I'm engaged.

Isn't that unbelievable?

Yeah.

Who is he? Well, his name is Alan, and he's a graduate student. And we're

getting married this Saturday because we're crazy about each other. And he

he can't wait a moment longer.

Wendy, that's great.

I hope we're not disturbing anything.

Oh, no. Hi, Mr. Belvedere. Hi, Wendy.

out your cage.

Anyway, I better get back over to my parents. I told them the news this

They must have stopped dancing by now.

Oh, and listen, Alan's flying in from San Francisco tomorrow.

Why don't we all have dinner together? I really want you to meet him.

Sounds terrific.

Is it okay if I bring a date?

Uh, sure. Why wouldn't it be?

See ya.

Just a joke.

Aren't you going to take him with you?

Uh, no. He told me he likes it here.

Besides, I think it's time to feed him. To whom?

Him.

Regardless, where are you off to with that?

I was going to spend the night at Miles, but maybe I should just stay here and

keep an eye on you.

Goodbye, Wesley.

Kevin, this is Alan.

Hi, I've heard a lot about you. Like what?

Nothing really, it's just something people say.

Oh.

Anyway, Wendy, Alan, this is Fawn.

Hi, Wendy.

Hi, Fawn.

So, why don't we just sit down, huh?

So, Alan, Wendy told me you guys met at Stanford.

Oh, yeah.

I was in the lab fooling around with a bunch of maggots and looked up and there

she was.

Alan's about to get his master's degree in entomology.

That's the study of insects.

I know that.

I played a locust once in my Bible school pageant.

We swarmed all over cardboard Egypt.

That sounds like pretty interesting work, Alan.

Oh, it is.

In fact, I'm standing on the brink of a major breakthrough in the area of

cockroach control.

Um, Alan, we're about to eat.

See, I've developed a non -toxic chemical compound. It doesn't actually

roaches, but it leaves them sterile so that they... Well, so they can't have

cockroach babies.

Gee, Alan, that sounds great.

Oh, but they can still adopt, right?

Come on in, guys.

It's a shame Fawn had to leave early for baton practice.

Yeah, well, she says things are getting pretty hectic with the slag festival

coming up.

Hey, look who's here.

Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Owens. This is Alan.

I take it he's the lucky guy?

I think so.

So, what are your plans for after the wedding?

Oh, you know... nothing much. Just go back to Stanford, finish school.

Unless somebody gets a little bug in their oven.

It's fun, Alan.

And besides, I've already promised myself no kids until I get my degree.

Oh, I didn't promise.

Then maybe I better start feeding you some of the same stuff you've been

those roaches.

Listen, I'm going to go get something to drink. Does anybody want anything?

I'll take a diet, whatever.

How is Wendy's fiancé?

He's okay, I guess.

It's just, Wendy's real smart. You know, she's real special.

And personally, I think she could do a lot better.

Kevin? Oh, hi, Mr. Belvedere. This is Alan.

How do you do, Alan? How are you, sir?

Kevin, Alan and I have discussed it, and he has something very important he

wants to ask you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the thing is, I don't have any friends here.

Or anywhere, really.

I thought maybe if you weren't busy or anything Saturday night, you might want

to be my best man.

Sure, I'd be honored. Oh, great.

flavor did you get? Oh, tomato.

Hey, guys, what's going on? Hey.

Oh, we're just getting everything ready for Wendy's shower.

Oh. So did you make any plans yet for Alan?

What do you mean?

Well, the best man usually throws a bachelor blast for the groom cup. It's

tradition.

All right. Maybe we can all smoke cigars and watch the fly or something.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe the cat's got his tongue.

He's probably not in the mood right now, champ. I bet he'll be back talking a

blue streak by morning.

You think so?

I can almost hear him now.

Hello, Chubby.

Hello, Chubby.

Say something, you mangy magpie.

Hello, Chubby.

Hey, Chubby.

That's it.

Oh, George.

What's going on, big guy?

Well, it's just that I was up reading Dr. Doolittle and suddenly I had an urge

to talk to the animals.

At two in the morning, Elvis flew away.

It was all my fault.

So I went back to the shop and bought another bird.

Apparently one with brain damage.

That I'm satisfied.

Sure, I am.

I just don't know about Wes.

They've been awfully quiet.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure they're having just as much fun as we are.

Really appreciate you guys

going through all this trouble for me.

Sure, Al.

I mean, I've only been to one other bachelor party in my entire life, and

nothing compared to this.

Hey, everybody.

It's showtime.

Ready, fun?

Get

the

rain.

The M's.

Yeah.

So, tomorrow's a big day, huh?

Yep, sure is.

Excited? A little.

Scared? A lot.

Remember the last time we were out here together like this?

You and me, me and you, you and I.

something and you came out to beg forgiveness like you usually do after

been stupid and insensitive.

And then you took me in your arms and kissed me.

And we walked deep into the woods and made love on a bed of damp leaves.

Remember that?

No.

You wanna?

Kidding, I'm kidding. No, I'm not.

I trust you'll have the decency not to mention this to the other servants?

hadn't Alan's size, then Wendy told me we had to match.

Yes, well, we can't have the best man showing up at the bridegroom now, can

I think I already have.

Oh?

Wendy's still in love with me. I mean, she's only marrying Alan to try and

she isn't. Did she tell you that?

No, but believe me, I can tell by the way she's acting.

I don't know. If you were me, what would you do?

I think I'd mind my own business.

Well, I wouldn't. But I think you should.

Come on. I want to get a seat up close.

Not too close. They're probably sloppy kissers.

Hey, Kev, guess what? That tuxedo place had a last -minute cancellation.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

That's nice, too.

Thanks.

I guess this is it. Kevin.

Alan.

where they're spending their honeymoon, but I wouldn't put them on the second

floor.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses for the

purpose of uniting in matrimony Alan, Paul, Schnabel, and Wendy Gunselman.

The contract of marriage is most solemn and is not to be entered into lightly,

but thoughtfully and seriously.

Do you understand, Alan?

Yes, I do.

Wendy, do you understand?

Yes, I do.

And Alan, do you promise to love, comfort, and honor her in prosperity and

adversity and forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And Wendy, do you promise to love, comfort, and honor Alan in prosperity

adversity and forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?

Yes, I do.

No, she doesn't. She doesn't? Who doesn't? I don't. Now you know why I

motor running.

Look, Wendy, I know you still haven't gotten over me, and I can understand

But it's still no reason for you to throw your life away and marry some guy

don't even love.

What are you talking about? Of course I love him.

Huh?

What about last night?

I was drunk. What about it?

Oh, come on. You weren't that drunk.

No? Then how come your jacket is making me nauseous?

Look, the thing is, I tell you, we're never going to be anything more than

friends. And bingo, you run off to Stanford and marry the first guy you

What do you mean? Alan wasn't the first.

seventh.

Seventh? You told me I was the fourth.

Okay, maybe I was hurting a little when I left for California, and why the hell

shouldn't I be? I've only worshipped you since the fifth grade.

But that's all over now.

Yes, you can... Go ahead.

Gee, thanks.

Alan, do you take this woman, Wendy, to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

Hey, Slugger.

Oh, hi.

You haven't seen my shoes, have you? You know, glass slippers about three sizes

too small?

So, I didn't see much of you at the reception.

No, I was hiding.

Probably wasn't easy in that outfit.

Look, I'm sorry what I did up there.

It's okay. Some people cry at weddings. You went berserk.

I don't know. It's just...

I'd kind of gotten used to you being in love with me.

Gave me a secure feeling.

Sort of like knowing you have a spare tire.

That wasn't the best example, was it? Not really.

And I guess I realized something else, too.

I sort of love you, too.

Wendy?

Everything's packed.

Okay, just a second.

Well, I guess this is it.

A love tub in the Poconos awaits.

You and Alan have a great life, okay?

Thanks, we will.

Well, see ya.

Yeah, you take care.

So don't just stand there. Are you going to kiss the bride or what?

You think?

Where's Elvis?

Rock and roll heaven.

I went to the pet store to see about trading for another minor bird, and he

he sold the last one three days ago to a stuck -up English guy.

Wesley, I'm sure I'm not the only stuck -up English guy in Pittsburgh.

Yes, you are. I checked.

So you'd better tell me, what'd you do with my bird?

nothing and besides you can't prove it anyway

received a postcard from the Poconos.

Wendy and Alan are thoroughly enjoying their honeymoon, even though the hotel

discontinued the all -you -can -eat buffet the day after they arrived.

Wendy claims it's just a coincidence.

As for Heckle and Jekyll, they're still bombarding me with their avian insults.

Wesley says if I took more of an interest in them, we'd get along much

For once, I think Wesley may be right.

I'm Britt Hulme. Later on Nightline, she's a Navy officer who could go to

for two years for fraternizing with a Marine enlisted man, even though they're

married. They'll both join us live tonight.