Original subtitles

The Allegheny Cable System proudly presents Night Owl Theater, offering the

in X -rated entertainment.

The following film contains adult situations, mature language, extreme

violence, and nudity.

Each presentation, the happy guys go to Malibu.

Okay. If that's the way you feel about it, maybe I ought to go sleep somewhere

else. Fine. Go ahead. I don't care.

Well, maybe I'm tired of giving. Maybe you should give once in a while.

Thanks.

What did I tell you about sneaking down here to watch dirty movies?

Don't give away the ending?

Wise guy.

Okay, okay.

So you and Mom had another fight, huh?

It wasn't really a fight, Wes.

It was just a little spat.

Well, since you've been out of work, you and Mom have been spatting on each

other an awful lot.

Look, Wes, your mom and I may have some problems.

But we always work them out because we love each other.

I hope so.

Don't worry, pal.

If there's one thing your old pop knows, it's how to handle women.

Hey, come on. Where are you going, cuddle bumps?

To the kitchen and don't call me cuddle bumps. Hey, I'm not the one who's

deserting somebody.

I'm not deserting you. I'm just working through my spring break.

You believe her?

She finally gets some time off and she'd rather spend it working with some

snotty professor.

It's very valuable experience.

Come on, Belvedere.

If you had two weeks off, what would you rather do?

File or be with me?

Can I get back to you?

Look, George, why don't you just sit down, have a nice breakfast, and we'll

discuss it later.

Fine. Besides, what's wrong with working? It's not like we have any plans

anything. How do you know?

Maybe I was going to take us all on a trip, and I was waiting to surprise you.

Where are you going, Dad?

Shut up, Wes.

Look, I'll be home late. Yeah, me too.

on the china never mattered before who cares when you cop kicked your jacket

as you came through the door no one bled but sometimes things get turned around

and no one's fed all hands look out below

there's a change in the status quo gonna need all the help that we

can get

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Come on, Wes. We're going to be late for school.

I'm not going.

I'm so upset about Mom and Dad.

Besides, I forgot to do my book report.

I just wish they'd both say they're sorry and get it over with.

What's Mom got to be sorry about? I mean, why should she pass up a good job

to hang around the house?

That's what Dad wants.

So? So, he's the man.

So? So, it's the woman's job to stay home and do what the man tells her.

Well, who said that, Dad?

No, Fred Flintstone.

They're fighting over mom and dad fighting.

Well, that's always helpful.

Well, just worry, that's all.

You've got to admit, they've been going at it a lot lately.

Yeah, and they're not even fighting over me.

So what can we do? Send them to a marriage council or something?

Hey, you know, when the Huffnagels aren't getting along, they always go to

of those marriage weekends up in the Poconos.

That might be a very good idea.

Yeah, and when they come back, they're always real lovey -dovey. Then they have

another kid.

Here we are.

I still can't believe we let Belvedere talk us into doing this stupid thing.

George, he locked us out of the house.

Oh, right.

Well, I guess I'll go get our name tag.

Okay.

Hey. Hey.

So you got dragged into this thing, too, huh?

Well, I sure did.

I guess you gotta put up with junk like this every now and then just to keep

them happy. I suppose so.

Hey, listen, maybe later the two of us could sneak off, catch the Penguins

I'd like that. Come on, Ed, it's starting.

Ready?

I'm not sure.

Anyway, Larry and I have been married for three wonderful years, and we have

three wonderful children,

Well, I guess the reason we came to marriage in Richmond was to make our

wonderful life together even more wonderful.

Isn't that right, honey? That was wonderful, darling.

Our last couple is George and Marsha Owens.

You folks want to get up here and tell us a little bit about yourselves?

Hi, everyone.

I'm Marsha. This is George.

We're from Pittsburgh, and we've been married almost 20 years.

I'm a Gemini.

That was wonderful, darling.

Thanks, folks. You can sit down now.

As André Monroy once said, a successful marriage is an edifice that has to be

rebuilt every day.

Now, our job is to provide you with the bricks and mortar, but you folks are

going to have to roll up your sleeves and do the work.

You'll be asked to write about yourself and your partner.

your disappointments, your dreams, and then share these feelings with your

spouse in an open, honest, heart -to -heart encounter.

George, we're not supposed to be watching TV.

Come on, there's a game on. None of the other couples is watching TV.

I bet Spin and Marty are.

We're supposed to be... writing about how we felt the first time we saw each

other. I can't write stuff like that. I feel stupid.

Well, it would be nice if you at least tried.

Okay. Okay.

So why don't you read me what you wrote? Maybe I'll get some ideas.

Well, I haven't written anything either.

Huh? Well, not because I think it's stupid, because I don't. I'm just not

how to phrase my thoughts.

Hey, what's so tough?

I mean, you saw me.

You went nuts for me, and the rest is history, right?

Fine, I'll just put that down.

Hey, this place stinks.

I mean, where's all the hot tubs and the running around naked and the touching

each other with mint gloves?

Well, it isn't what I expected either.

I thought we were really going to relate, you know?

Laugh and cry and yell and punch each other till all our feelings came gushing

out. Okay.

So you want to get naked and punch each other?

Let's just watch TV.

Quick! Where's Mr. Belvedere? I'm going to zap him. Come on, Wes. Leave him

alone. He doesn't want to play your stupid games.

Take

that, you

intergalactic little twit.

I got you first.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

So how was your weekend?

Hi.

How was yours?

Splendid. I kept them all in the garage.

So, how was marriage in Richmond? Was it romantic?

Oh, it was fine.

You guys didn't argue, did you?

Did you make Dad sleep in the woods?

No, honey.

We didn't fight at all, champ.

Hey, that's great.

So, what did you guys do?

Well, um, Daddy and I spent a lot of time in this cute little cabin.

It was very helpful.

That sounds very nice.

Uh, yeah.

Anyway, I think I'm going to need that big suitcase up in the attic.

You guys going on a second honeymoon?

Not exactly, kitten.

Pop's sort of moving out.

Huh?

Your father and I are separating.

I usually give such good advice.

Well, that's okay, Mr. Belvedere. Nobody's blaming you.

I am.

Well, guys, I'm all packed.

Are you and Mom getting divorced?

No, honey, of course not. Then how come you're moving out?

Yeah, I thought you guys said you didn't fight.

We didn't.

We didn't do much of anything.

Anyway, it's only temporary.

Probably.

It's just after 19 years, your mom and I figured we both needed some time away

from each other.

Yeah, we just need a chance to sort out our feelings.

But what happens if you sort everything out and decide you still can't stand

each other?

Then I move out.

Look, guys, it may not seem like it now, but this is really for the best.

Well, I better get going.

All right, Westman.

We'll get together next weekend, okay?

Okay.

Bye, kitten. Bye, Dad.

Be sure and help your mom.

Sure.

Kev, looks like you're the man of the family now.

Look, can I have your car?

Lynn? George?

Look, with me being gone and everything, I hope I can count on you not to take

advantage of the situation.

With you giving everybody advice and everything.

I promise to let the entire family run amok.

I appreciate that.

Well, see ya.

I don't know.

Hey,

come on, just knock it off and finish your breakfast.

Hey, just because Dad's not here doesn't mean he can boss me around.

Wesley, shut up and eat. Okay.

What's all that stuff?

Oh, just a few things your father requested.

Is there a picture of me in there?

No, Wesley, I think your father's depressed enough.

You know what?

I don't think they're going to get back together.

Come on, Dad's only been gone three days.

Yeah, but they're not doing anything. They're not even...

Well, they're going to get divorced, and there's going to be a big custody

battle, and Dad's going to have to kidnap me off the schoolyard, and my

picture's going to wind up on the side of a milk carton, and I just know it.

Heather, you're being ridiculous.

Yeah, I'll probably put it on a can of dog food.

Hey, come on, guys.

Good morning.

Oh, Mr. Owens. Uh, Mr. Owens called.

He did?

Yes, he asked me to bring over these things, but since it's on your way...

that's all right. I've got to get to school.

I want you guys to be good, and I'll see you at dinner.

Is there any message you'd like me to give Mr. Owens?

Like what?

Oh, I don't know.

I love you, I miss you, I can't live without you.

You can tell him he bounced a check.

Well, at least the beer's warm.

Just kick it. It's open.

Well, George, this looks very homey.

Hey, Belvedere, can I get you a beer or something? It can help me celebrate.

What are we celebrating?

I got that sportscasting job on TV.

Let's start next week. Oh, wonderful.

Mrs. Owens will be thrilled when you tell her.

Nah, you can do it.

Maybe you can catch her between classes.

That's right, George. Nothing brings two people closer together than sarcasm.

Listen, if she was so hot to get back together, she'd have called already.

Look, George, you're both caring and reasonably intelligent people.

I think you should just sit down and talk to one another.

Hey, talking on that stupid weekend didn't work, and it's not going to work

Besides, I kind of like being on my own.

I mean, if I want to stay out all night.

I can stay out all night.

Want to have some guys over to play cards?

We play cards.

That's a splendid idea.

Huh? A game of cards.

How about tomorrow night? Say, seven -ish?

Sure, why not?

Fine. I'll bring the chip and dip.

Hey, so, uh, who's going to come?

Oh, I'll find some people.

Hi, I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Huh?

Isn't this where the game is?

Uh, yeah, I think.

Okay, guys, this is the place.

Hi, I'm Brother Smith.

Oh, yeah.

Edwin Newman?

Yes. Hi, George.

I'm Susan Anton.

Hi. She's with me.

Well, everybody, let's pay some cards.

Wonderful.

Oh, Brother, would you pass the penis?

Not now, baby.

Joyce, see you two.

I'll raise you two.

Too rich for my blood.

I'm out.

Call. Let's see what you got.

Three sixes.

Three queens.

I was sure she was bluffing. Okay, we're going to play Dr. Pepper.

Ten twos and fours are wild.

Come on, it's my deal.

Well, deal me out of this one. I'm going to make some more dip.

All right.

Nice place you have here. George?

Uh, thanks.

It's just temporary.

Oh, really?

Uh, the thing is, my wife and I sort of just separated.

How do you feel about that, George?

Police checks.

I don't know, Dr. Joyce.

I understand your wife is going to be an attorney.

Does that make you feel threatened, somehow emasculated?

That's not the problem.

George and Marsha are on the same team. They just got their plays mixed up.

See, George, you got the ball way back here on the 10.

Marsha has gone deep.

And you guys can't connect because you've been blindsided by your own

sense of self -worth.

I think what Bubba was trying to say in his insightful, if somewhat convoluted

metaphor, that open, straightforward communication is vital in any successful

relationship. That's not what I meant.

Yeah? So?

What about you, Miss Anton?

Don't you have something to say?

Yes.

Just that sometimes men leave their wives because in the back of their minds

they think they might get lucky and latch on to someone like me.

Forget it, George.

Look, George, what we're all really trying to say is that you and Marcia

something so very precious.

Hey, hold it! What is this, anyway?

I mean, I don't need a bunch of Hollywood types coming in here and

how to run my life.

So why don't all of you just get the hell out of here?

That's a great how do you do.

Come on, fellas. Let's go someplace where they appreciate celebrity.

I kicked everybody out.

Good. That was Kevin on the phone.

Wesley's been arrested. Oh, no.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Where'd everybody go?

Thanks.

Okay, pal, inside.

I know the procedure.

What's going on?

The kid got arrested.

What? What happened?

He threw a brick through a car window.

And the police caught him?

It was a police car.

Anyway, I paid for the window and replaced the donuts Wes ruined.

Dan, honey, this isn't like you.

You mean getting caught?

Hey, listen, buddy.

Just because I'm not around anymore doesn't mean you can run wild.

Because I won't stand for it.

So I guess you guys are going to talk now and figure out my punishment, huh?

You know what I think?

I think that deep down you did this just to try to get Daddy and me back

together again.

No.

that you're bringing family closer together.

Yes, Wesley.

And no one creates them better than you do.

Yeah, so we'll be in the kitchen.

Yeah, and we're not coming back until you guys have made up.

So how you doing?

Oh, pretty good.

You? Pretty good.

What's new?

Oh, I got that sportscasting job.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

How's your apartment?

Oh, you know, it's your typical bachelor pad.

Ah, so you've been seeing any swinging chicks?

Not yet.

You seeing any swinging professors?

Oh, just one for lunch.

Yeah, well, I got to get going.

Big bash tonight in apartment three. Gee, I don't want to miss it.

See ya.

I don't want to go back there.

I don't want you to have to go back there either, but this is not going to

unless you let me be what I want to be.

Hey, I want you to be a lawyer.

I'm paying for it, aren't I? That's what I mean. I don't want you just to say

it. I want you to mean it. All right, I don't mean it.

There, I just said it.

Look, the thing is, with you doing so good and me being out of work, I guess I

sort of got blindsided by my own diminished sense of self -worth.

It's just something Bubba Smith told me.

I guess it's kind of my fault, too.

I get so wrapped up in law school, I kind of forget about everything else,

including you.

Yeah.

But... Sometimes I think that you just don't care.

I mean, up at that marriage thing, we really had a chance to open up to each

other, but all you wanted to do was watch TV.

What did you expect me to do?

Write all that mushy junk about how I felt the first time I saw you?

Yeah.

Well, I did.

How I felt the first time I saw my wife.

I thought I was going to be sick.

Because she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

And I wanted to go over and ask her to dance.

But I was afraid she'd just laugh at me.

I did laugh.

But only because your tie was hanging in your glass of punch.

Yeah.

But you dance with me anyway.

That's more like it.

I'm glad to report that George and Marsha are back together and doing

well. This avoids what I'm sure would have been a very messy custody battle

who gets stuck with Wesley.

As for me, I never really had a chance to play cards.

And since George had two weeks left on the rent, he generously gave me the use

of his bachelor pad.

Sorry, Ginger. Go fish.