Original subtitles

Uh, yeah, Pam, that sounds great.

I love horseback riding.

Are you kidding?

I was practically born in the saddle.

Okay, yeah, I'll meet you at the stable on Saturday.

Great, bye.

Kevin, I didn't know you were an equetrian.

If that means someone who can ride a horse, I'm not.

It's just I really like this girl Pamela, but the only way she'll go out

is if we go riding together.

And you don't have any experience?

Nope. Unless you count the time the dad put me on the booking bronco outside the

supermarket. He kept sticking nickels in until I threw up.

How nice.

Yeah, anyway, I was hoping, you know, maybe you could give me a few pointers.

Like how to steer, put on the brakes, stuff like that.

Very well, Kevin.

But we'll have to start slow.

Okay, sure.

I'll just go and get some nickels.

How'd you know I was here?

I can smell you.

Oh, yeah, I ate in the cafeteria.

So I guess Mom and Dad aren't back yet, huh?

Nope. I don't know why they keep going to those stupid parent -teacher meetings

anyway. Just gets everyone all upset.

Yeah, but you're in enough trouble, so you better put that thing away.

On the other hand, I've probably got nothing to lose.

didn't stone us.

Oh, then it would be better than last year.

Mrs. Burkholder told us that every day it's the same thing with you. Goofing

off, talking back.

I do not talk back.

Well, what about that stunt you pulled with the substitute teacher?

Hey, I may have helped tie her up, but I didn't undress her.

I'm gonna get an aspirin.

Pretty funny, huh, Dad?

Mom's gone. You can laugh now.

You'd better shape up, mister.

What have you done now?

Mom and Dad just got back from talking to my teacher.

Oh. I take it they went upstairs to sleep it off.

No, I think they went up to figure out my punishment.

Really?

I hope they don't start without me.

Never met her before.

Who cares when you dropkick the jacket?

As you came through the door, no one's there.

But sometimes things get turned around and no one's there.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our...

And that's the last time I take you to the supermarket.

What did I do?

George, when I tell you to get a dozen eggs, I don't mean from somebody else's

cup.

She hadn't paid for them yet.

Besides, at least I wasn't standing around stuffing my face in the cookie

That bag was already open.

I see it was you.

People have been asking me that all day.

I'm at wet. I came home from the library and he was gone.

Hey, I told that kid he was grounded.

All right, Buster, get your tail in here.

You guys back already?

What happened to you?

You want to fight?

Yeah, but it wasn't my fault. See, this kid at the movies kept kicking my seat,

and I told him to stop it, but instead he threw some jujy fruits at me.

So I hit him because Dad says I should always stand up for myself. Right, Dad?

What were you doing in the movies?

Did I say movies?

Wes, you knew you were grounded.

I thought that only meant a night. And where'd you get the money to go in the

first place?

I think I'm in enough trouble already.

All right, wise guy, that's it.

You're grounded morning, noon, and night.

You mean no school?

You keep pulling stunts like this, you're going to wind up in military

Now stay here and help Mr. Belvedere unpack those groceries.

Why do I have to suffer?

Hello, Heather.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, how was horseback riding?

I had fun.

I think there's something wrong with my legs.

They won't close.

Keep them that way. We'll be out again tomorrow.

Hey, I'm not going back out there. Everyone was laughing at me. Oh, I don't

think they meant to, Kevin.

It's just that people are accustomed to seeing someone ride on top of a horse.

My saddle slipped.

I tried to tell the people it was trick riding, but I don't think they bought

it.

Hey, at least my horse didn't faint when it saw me coming.

You mean Nervous Nellie?

She was just being a smart aleck.

Hey, Belvedere. George.

I have two ways that he's still locked in his room.

Yeah, unless he climbed out the window and stole the car.

That was last week.

I don't know what I'm going to do with that kid.

I mean, I can't control him anymore.

What's going to happen when he gets older?

I didn't know we were letting him.

You know, George, at his age, a little rebellion is quite normal.

The thing is, I yell, I scream.

I threatened to stick his butt in military school. Nothing ever seems to

in. Yeah, so you see, Wesley's a very perceptive young man.

And he knows an idle threat when he hears one.

Like when you say you're going to fire me.

Well, he's going to know I'm not kidding this time.

Can I watch TV now?

No, finish your homework.

I did.

So do some extra credit.

You want to get that, pal?

Sure.

Excuse me. Is that the Owens residence?

Maybe.

Who's there, Westman?

I don't know. Some Army guy.

Maybe Kevin forgot to register.

Actually, I believe I'm here about you.

Come on in.

Mr. Owens.

Colonel Wayne, Bunker Hill Military Academy.

I appreciate you stopping by.

Oh, no problem.

The cadets are on the rifle ranks today, and I like to keep my distance.

So, Wesley, your father tells me you might benefit by a little military

discipline. He did?

Yeah, it's a real good school, Wes, and worth thinking of sending you there.

That's right, young man.

Bunker Hill takes great pride in its curriculum of academic, physical

and military science.

How's that sound, Wes?

I always wanted to try a flamethrower.

Oh, hi, honey.

Colonel Wayne, this is my wife, Marsha. Hello. Pleasure. This is Colonel Wayne

from the Bunker Hill Military Academy, the place we're thinking of sending Wes

to. What are you talking about?

Oh, look, why don't we go in the kitchen and let these two get acquainted?

Okay.

So, your father tells me you have become quite the little minute to society.

Ah, he just likes to brag.

You think we should have talked about this first?

I'm just trying to throw a little scare into the kid.

Well, I don't know if I like it.

What's Wesley done now?

Stolen a tank.

No, that's Colonel Wayne from the Archie Bunker Military School.

George thinks we can frighten Wes into being good.

Oh, but I've already told him we were selling him to the gypsies.

Dad, I'm sorry. I'll be good, I swear.

That colonel says you've got to get up at 4 o 'clock in the morning and stand

attention before you can eat. I probably won't even...

home until Christmas.

I like that last part.

Wait, this isn't funny.

Don't worry, honey. You're not going anywhere.

That's right, champ.

I think you learned your lesson.

I sure have.

Come on, Marshal. Let's go tell the colonel he won't be drafted west just

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

That wasn't so tough.

Hello, Mr. Belvedere.

How was your ride?

Fine.

I'll be in my room.

Where's Kevin?

You mean your son, Kevin?

Yeah.

The last time I saw him, he was galloping through a toll booth on the

Pennsylvania Turnpike.

What?

Fortunately, he had the exact change.

I got it.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Wesley's father.

What do you mean, how did his operation go?

Let me get back to you.

Yeah, thanks.

Goodbye.

What was that all about?

I don't believe it.

Wes hasn't been to school for the past two days.

He told his teacher he had to go in the hospital to have some polyps removed.

Anything interesting happen?

No, simple stuff.

Mind if I fix myself a snack?

How about a nice big bowl of Pollock?

Uh -oh.

Wes, what the hell is going on?

Nothing. It's just so grounded around here, and I gotta have some fun, so I've

been going to the arcade.

Wes, what's the matter? Why are you doing this?

When I go to school, I just get in trouble.

Not the school you're going to.

You're shipping out.

Huh? You're going to military school.

All right, Colonel.

Thank you.

And I guess we'll be seeing you in a little while.

Right.

Goodbye.

He said we can drop him off any time.

George, this is crazy.

I'm not sending my baby off to the army. Look, if we keep threatening him with

stuff and then not following through, he's going to wind up in a worse place

than that. I just think we should calm down first, then discuss it. You mean

give it a couple of days and then forget the whole thing? Yes.

Look, we've got to do this for his own good.

You know how things work around here. He pulls some stupid stunt, we get mad, he

gives us that cute little smile, and the next thing you know, we fold up like a

couple of tents.

Five minutes later, he's outside doing something else. I know.

Anyway, I checked it out.

It's a good school.

It's only a half an hour from here, and they're not going to put up with any of

his screwing around.

Now, why don't you go upstairs and help Westman get packed?

May I say something, sir? Hey, I don't want to hear how we fail as a family.

Or how we're making a mistake.

Or what a big jerk I am. Or any of that other junk.

I was just going to ask which suitcase to take.

Oh.

But you made some excellent points.

Hi, Mr. Belmere.

Wesley?

You want some place?

No.

I think you are.

Boy, they're really going all out this time. They even got you playing along.

Where are all your teens up?

In the wastebasket.

I was shooting hoops.

It doesn't really matter.

They'll issue everything you need.

I'm just packing some civvies in case you decide to go AWOL.

Yeah, right.

So what's going to happen now?

Is Dad going to take me out and pretend to drive me someplace, or is Colonel

Clink going to show up again and take me away in a Jeep?

I think your father is taking you.

This is for real, isn't it?

Mm -hmm.

In that case, could you feed my lizard?

He prefers maggots.

Are you down yet?

No. I guess he's still getting his little things together.

It's okay, everybody.

I'm fine.

Oh, man, you wouldn't believe it. One minute the stupid horse won't move, the

next minute I'm jumping fences and halfway to Hoboken.

I never would have got off if it weren't for that clothesline.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, Mom. It's okay.

I'm fine.

I don't care about you.

Now sending Wes to military school.

Whoa.

George. Maybe it's enough that we've gone this far, don't you think?

Look, if he promises to straighten up and fly right, and really means it this

time, then maybe it'll be a different story. But it's got to come from him.

I'm ready.

Okay, pal, let me get my coat.

Honey?

Are you sure there isn't something you want to tell us before you go?

Not really.

Are you sure?

They still want to know how I got the money for the movies I sold to my

Heather's underwear.

Come on, buddy. It's time to go.

Okay.

Bye, Mr. Belvedere.

Don't forget me.

I'll think of you every time I hear a siren.

Bye, everybody.

Bye, honey. Come on, let's go.

pretty good i'm almost done pretty good i'm almost done what i'm almost done

shining the boots shining the boots what shining the boots black shining

them black sir oh sorry i always forget well maybe this will help you remember

cadets

be able to see myself.

So go to the zoo.

What was that?

Go to the zoo, sir.

That's better.

When you're finished with those, I could do with a shine.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, I knew they'd give in. Let me get my stuff.

Oh, your parents didn't send me.

I happen to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by and say hello.

Oh, well, we're not allowed to have visitors till the weekend. You're going

get me in trouble.

You seem to be doing a good job of that all by yourself.

Yeah, they don't got much of a sense of humor around here.

You call one general barf brain and they're all over you.

Wesley, I think if you talked to your parents and told them that you'd learned

your lesson, you'd be back in civilian life in no time.

Hey, I'm not going crying back to Dad like...

prince back in England did.

Don't make this a test of wills with your father.

He's even more pig -headed than you are.

Look, all he wants is a perfect little soldier, so that's what I'm gonna be.

Now, Phil, excuse me, I have some boots to lick.

Good morning, Kevin.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Looking forward to your big ride with Pamela?

No, she's thick.

She's probably got hoof and mouth or something.

Nothing you did, I hope.

Anyway, I don't care.

Kevin, what's the matter?

I don't know. I've just been thinking about what Dad did, sending Wesley to

place. It's just not fair.

Kevin, I think we all missed your brother.

I'm not talking about that.

How come they don't have enough money to send me away to college and he gets to

go to military school?

Because they like him better?

Take it easy, Marsha. We got plenty of time. I just made them these cookies. I

don't want them to get hard.

Too late.

Hey, I'm ready.

What the hell are you wearing?

It's my new dress. Don't you like it?

Yeah, it's great. Now go put on the rest of it.

I mean, she's going someplace full of guys who haven't seen a girl in six

months.

She could start a riot.

Gee, Dad, why don't you just send me to a convent? I think she looks fine.

Are you going to let her go out the door looking like that? Well, we wouldn't be

going anywhere if Wes weren't in that awful place.

Look, Marcia, don't start with me. We've been through all this.

Are we taking separate cars?

I'm sorry.

Why are we yelling at each other?

I suppose because you don't have Wesley.

So, what do you think, Kev?

Isn't this place something?

Yeah, maybe if I rob a liquor store, you'll send me to Hawaii.

Sure.

Hi, honey.

Hello,

mother. It's very nice to see you.

Hello, Kevin, Heather. You're looking lovely as always.

Huh?

Mr. Belvedere, you look rested.

Well, you aren't around.

I'm very droll.

Hello, father.

Hey, Westman.

So, how you doing?

Quite well, sir.

So, when do we get the grand tour?

Oh, certainly.

Bunker Hill Military Academy was founded in 1887 by General Ezra T.

Belcher.

On the principle of better leadership through discipline.

Belcher, huh?

Guess that kind of tells you what the food's like around here.

Actually, the food here is well prepared and quite adequate.

Now, if you'll follow me, please.

Anyway, this is my room and this is my bunk, which I share with Kid at Hostel.

He's a bedwetter, which is why I have to talk.

This concludes our tour of the facility, so if there's nothing else, we can

return to the reception area and do our farewells. But, honey, we hardly had a

chance to talk.

I'm sorry. Maybe we'll have more time next month.

Well, I suppose that's it.

Shall we go?

Not you.

Oh, how are you getting along?

Fine, sir.

Make any new friends?

A few, sir.

Look, if there's ever anything you need, all you gotta do is let me know.

Thank you, sir.

Will you cut it out with that sir stuff already?

I'm your father.

I thought this is what you wanted.

I don't want some wooden soldier.

I just want my kid back.

The way you used to be before you turned into some kind of delinquent.

Yeah, well, maybe I want my old dad back.

The way he used to be before he got tired of me. Huh?

Before when I used to be bad, Mom would yell and say it wasn't funny.

But you'd always laugh anyway.

Now everything I do just makes you mad.

Look, Wes, you're getting older.

You gotta realize there's a difference between Dennis the Menace and Babyface

Nelson.

It's not it. You just don't love me anymore.

Don't say that!

Then how come I...

And if you drop your rifle, forget it. They make you do like a million push

-ups. I know.

I saw you.

Huh?

When?

Every morning.

I'd sort of drive by and watch you through the fence for a while.

How come?

Because you're my kid.

And I love you.

I want to go home.

That's okay, champ.

It's all right.

I'll be good, I swear.

I promise I won't do anything wrong ever again for the rest of my life.

Why don't we just try to make it through the rest of the day? Okay, Pam?

Yes, sir.

What are you doing out here, Kevin?

I thought you were out riding with Pamela.

No, I'm through with horses, and I'm through with her.

What happened? Wind up on the tent bike again?

No, I rode pretty well.

She liked my horse more than she liked me.

I think they went to the movies together or something.

What is it with me, Mr. Belvedere?

Why do I always have to pretend that I can do something I can or that I like

something I don't?

I mean, why do I always put myself through this just to impress some girl?

Because you're young and stupid?

Yeah. Well, not anymore.

From now on, if I go out with somebody, we're going to go where I want to go and

do what I want to do, or they can go alone.

That's the spirit, Kevin.

Oh, by the way, a Becky called.

Becky? Mm -hmm.

She belongs to the skydiving club.

It was nice knowing you, Kevin.

It's been two weeks since Wesley has returned from his tour of duty, and the

transformation has been quite remarkable.

He's been courteous, respectful,

and in every way an exemplary young man.

Consequently, the Owens household has become a scene of blissful serenity.

What's your little fuss? I'm going to kill you!

Thank goodness.

I was going crazy.