Original subtitles

Hey, Mom, want to go shoot some hoop?

Oh, no, not now, honey.

Why don't you ask your brother?

He stinks.

Hey, pal.

Ready for a little one -on -one with your old pop?

Nah, you're too good.

I'll tell you what, I'll play with one arm tied behind my back.

How about both arms and a leg?

I guess I could always dribble with my nose.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Hey,

guys, I have a good idea. Why don't you all go out and play?

Please. Okay, we can take a hint.

How about I spot you guys ten baskets? Hey, we don't need ten baskets.

Yeah, only give us nine.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, watch this.

So what do you think?

I think with the proper treatment, it can be cured.

Well, that's called a jeté.

Yeah, we just signed up for ballet class, Mr. Boilermaker.

I thought you two wanted to take auto shop.

Oh, we did, but it was all full and ballet was right next door.

Oh, yeah.

I've heard Baryshnikov really wanted to take welding.

Oh, yeah.

I think there's still an opening.

I know. I'm looking right through it.

You guys were just lucky, that's all. What do you mean lucky?

Kevin was killing you over that hook shot.

Yeah, you look pretty sharp out there, Dr. K.

Yeah, I thought so.

So is an arm good for anything else?

Oh, boy!

It's a girl arm wrestle!

Come on, Mr. Belvedere, help me clear the table.

Fine. Where are we going to dump your mother?

It's okay, Marge. This won't take too long.

I don't know, Dad. You're not getting any younger.

Whoa!

Sure you don't have to use two hands, Kev? I don't have to do that anymore.

That's right.

Not since last week.

Ready?

One, two, two and a half, go.

Nice try, Kev.

He almost got me that time.

Yeah, right there.

All right, Mr. Belvedere, put it there.

Never met her before.

Who cares when you cop kicked your jacket as you came through the door? No

there. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new...

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Uh -oh.

I think I just heard something snap.

I think it was my spine.

You guys, this is how it's done.

Do you see how high my legs get?

Real good, Lori.

But I hear you've had a lot of practice.

Um, if you're looking for auto -stop, it's right next door.

No, I'm supposed to be in ballet.

You are?

I can't believe it. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Look, I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, where's the rest of the guys?

What guys?

Coach told us we had to take this junk.

You know, to improve your coordination and build up your quadriceps.

I'm on the football team.

Oh, really? Well, I thought you were on the chess team.

That's a good one.

Thanks.

Kevin?

I may regret this.

Kevin, what is that contraption?

It's for practicing arm wrestling.

I built it.

Oh, gearing up for a rematch with dear old dad.

I figure if I build up my strength, in a few months I'll be able to really nail

him.

Look, arm wrestling isn't just a matter of brute force.

Psychology and technique are just as important.

You know about this stuff?

Kevin, I've beaten orangutans.

Then you can be my trainer.

You know, helping with my technique.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Oh, come on. I'm sick of losing.

I want to win for a change and wipe that mug look off his face.

Look, I think you're taking the thought too seriously.

I just think your father's having some good -natured fun.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Dad.

By the way, Kev, your sister wanted to arm wrestle you, but I told her you

weren't feeling up to it.

Lesson one.

The grip.

Okay, Dwight, what do we call the period between the fall of the Roman Empire

and the beginning of the Middle Ages?

Halftime?

No, the Dark Ages.

Oh, right.

Now, come on, quit fooling around. You're never going to learn this stuff.

I'm sorry.

I really do appreciate somebody smart like you helping me with my history.

Oh, that's okay.

No, I mean...

If I don't get my grade up, I'm off the team for sure.

You got a C in the last test, right?

C plus.

Hey, Mr. B.

Look, there's his turkey legs.

I know, Dwight. I'm trying to keep up.

Now, let's see. We have mashed potatoes and biscuits and gravy and a canned ham

to cleanse your palate.

Thanks.

My Godzilla movie starts in five minutes, and I expect you both out of

Incidentally, this is what she looks like without makeup.

It's mine, Bozo Brain.

Bozo Brain.

Boy, it must be great having a sister who's both smart and funny.

I'd hang on to this one.

Oh, gee, look what time it is.

Well, what's wrong?

I've got to get home. I'll be late for dinner.

Listen, thanks for everything.

Oh, that's okay. It was fun.

Yeah, so, uh, I guess I'll see you tomorrow in ballet.

Yeah, I guess you will.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Okay, Angela, which color do you like the best? The red, the yellow, the

or the orange?

Why don't you leave them like that? Kind of makes your feet look like gorilla

lifesavers.

Mr. Belvedere, you don't mind us doing our nails on the table, do you? Not at

all. I was just about to take a bath in the sink.

Life's taking me to a hockey game tonight. It's our three -week

Three weeks? Now what is that?

Link?

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. I really like him. And he makes me feel like I'm witty

and intelligent.

I thought that was her job.

And anyway, he's not like the jerks that usually take me out with their hands

all over the place.

Come on, Heather, let's go upstairs and finish your hair.

She's got to look real sexy tonight.

Oh?

Well, I just figured Dwight and me have been going out long enough. Maybe it's

time I let him act like a junk.

At least a little bit.

I did five miles, and I still feel great.

Not for long.

Mr.

Belvedere?

I think I'm ready for him.

Are you sure?

I've got the strength. I've got the technique.

I'm ready.

Well, I think you better try me first.

Anytime.

Okay, I got a great one.

You see, you got the word chewy right there.

I'll just add these four letters, and I got me a triple word score.

Crunch chewy?

That's a word.

They use it on dog food commercials.

A challenge?

You've been doing a lot of that tonight.

I may be wrong, Dad, but I don't think you're going to find crunch chewy in the

dictionary. All right.

who is ready for one of Mom's favorite marshmallow treats.

I'll take one, Mom. I think they're crunchy.

Oh, thanks, honey.

K -A -T.

C -A -T.

Cat.

I challenge.

You're a real funny dad, but I'm out.

Okay, let's see.

Kevin, Mr.

Scrabble Owens wins with a staggering 224 points, followed by Mr.

Belvedere, Wes...

And bringing up the rear, that R -E -A -R, dear old dad.

No hard feelings, right, Dad?

Sure, Kev.

Speaking of hard feelings, I feel like you've been pumping some iron.

Oh, yeah, a little bit. Getting pretty strong.

Strong enough for a rematch?

George. Gee, Dad, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Kev. You already beat me at Scrabble.

I mean, maybe you're on a roll.

All right, all right.

I'll give it one more try.

Ready.

One, two, two and a half, two and three quarters.

Me, it hit me in the head first.

Well, it looks like we've got the place to ourselves.

Yeah, it looks like we do.

Hey, mind if I watch a sport?

Go ahead.

105 to 97.

Hawks over the Pacers, 114 to 98. Is it okay if I turn this off? The light kind

of hurts my eyes.

I think it's you.

All right, Philly!

Well, it's you two.

Hey, Mr. B.

Give me a minute, Dwight, and I'll preheat the oven.

Oh, no, you don't have to. I'll just take a sandwich or a barbecued chicken.

know, whatever you got lying around.

What'd you do that for?

Well, sports was over. They went back to the news.

Oh, okay.

Look, Dwight.

Yeah, me too.

And I like the way you treat me, you know, with respect and everything.

Sure.

But it's getting a little old.

What I'm saying is, if you wanted to kiss me or something, I probably

stop you.

Gee, thanks.

What's the matter with you? Does my breath stink?

So don't you feel like doing anything?

No. Should I?

Yeah, unless you're gay or something.

Gay?

Gee, I never thought of that.

I better go home and tell my parents.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, honey.

So how's the new champ feel this morning?

Fine. How's the old one doing?

Up to Dad.

Dad's ready.

Look, guys, can't we just forget this competition stuff for a minute and have

nice breakfast?

It's okay with me.

Me too.

So, gentlemen, what'll it be?

I'm pretty hungry. How about three eggs and some toast?

I'll have four eggs. And some sausage.

Make it five eggs and some Canadian bacon.

Do I hear six eggs and a hog?

I'll just have some coffee.

Nothing for me.

Hey, Heather.

Tan. We had a go last night with Dwight. Did he like your new dress?

He thinks he's gay.

Oh, but he did like it.

It was terrible.

He got back from the hockey game and I was waiting for him to make his move.

But all he wanted to do was sit in front of the TV and watch sports.

So I got mad and said, what's the matter? Are you gay or something?

And now he thinks he is.

She might have watched a lot of sports.

Maybe I should talk to him.

Hi, Dwight. Hi.

Look, Dwight, what I said last night about you being, you know, I didn't mean

it. I was just upset.

Yeah, well, you know, I thought about it, and you were right.

Twice. No, I mean, all the other guys are always talking about girls and how

great they are.

All I ever think about is the next game or what I'm going to eat.

I don't know.

Well, look, maybe you just need to work a little harder at it.

You know, apply yourself to someone like me.

Look, I gotta go.

Having a little nap?

Yeah, I'm making a hoagie.

Strange, I just saw Kevin with one. Yeah, well, mine's bigger.

Yeah, I know it's stupid.

The thing is, I don't really mind a kid beating me.

Just, why is he enjoying it so much?

You seem to enjoy beating Kevin.

Yeah, but I'm just having fun.

With him, it's like there's something else. Perhaps you better ask him about

that.

What I really can't figure out is how he got so strong all of a sudden.

It's like he's had somebody training him or something.

I wouldn't know.

Oh, Dwight, I didn't know you were here.

Oh, I'm picking up Heather. We've got to practice our dance for our test

tomorrow. I'm sorry we have no sports magazine.

Oh, it's okay.

I was just reading this article on the exciting new fashion for spring.

Oh, is this a new interest?

Well, yeah, ever since Heather helped me realize I was a homosexual.

Wait. Oh, hi, Heather. You ready to go?

No, not yet.

Yeah, I'll be there in a second.

You mind if I borrow this? Not at all.

Heather, what did you do to that boy?

And even if I did, I'm going to fix it tonight.

Where is everybody?

I don't know. Maybe we're late.

Or early.

Listen, after we get our grades tomorrow, you can stop wasting your time

You should start seeing regular guys.

Look, Dwight, why don't you warm up a little bit and I'll be right back.

Okay.

are you doing?

What are you doing here? I came to watch a rehearsal.

I didn't know you were doing the dance to the Seven Veils.

Yeah, but you ruined everything, and Dwight was just beginning to like it.

Weren't you, Dwight?

I don't know. I thought you were having an attack or something.

I was being sexy.

Oh.

May I say something to both of you?

From the bottom of my heart.

Sure.

You two are the biggest pair of twits I've ever come across in my entire life.

First of all, Dwight, just because somebody tells you something doesn't

necessarily mean it's so.

Yeah, but she's pretty smart.

Oh, yes, I forgot about Fatima's 1 .7 grade point average.

Well, if she's wrong, how come everybody else is doing stuff with girls but me?

Somehow, I doubt that they're all doing stuff.

Regardless, has it ever occurred to you that your lack of interest might mean

that you're just not ready?

Oh, yeah?

Some people aren't ready for sex at 16.

Some aren't ready at 20.

Some, I think, will never be ready.

But the point is, people grow and develop according to their own

Sex is a normal, natural thing, but it is not automatic.

It takes learning and maturity.

Something which seems in short supply around here.

Understand?

I guess I sort of know what you mean.

I think.

Yes.

Well, I suppose that's the best we could hope for.

Carry on.

Good night.

So, you want to finish rehearsing?

Nah, let's go grab a pizza.

Yeah.

Okay, so you beat your old man.

Big deal.

Hey, you started it.

What do you mean, me?

You're the one who started walking fast.

How was the movie?

I don't know. I was too busy refereeing the bonbon eating contest.

I won that.

Come on, Wes, let's go pump your stomach and get you to bed.

Yeah, I'm real tired, too. I'm gonna go up to bed.

Not as tired as I am.

I fell asleep in the car.

So did I.

You were driving.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I must say, all this bonbon eating and... Fatigue

comparing is a bit ridiculous when the real issue is arm wrestling.

No problem here?

Let's do it.

Gentlemen, take your positions.

Ready?

Go.

You ain't so great without that headband.

I don't need it.

You know, I didn't mind so much you winning.

It's the way you liked it so much.

Yeah?

I mean, it's like you hate me or something.

Hate you?

I don't hate you.

So how come you get such a kick out of rubbing my face in the dirt?

He's supposed to.

Huh?

It's only natural for the son to challenge the father and ultimately

dominance.

It's a right of manhood common to all cultures.

Even subcultures like this household.

So it was nothing personal?

I thought it was, but I guess not.

So what the hell are we doing this for?

I don't know.

Because I've got to keep dominant.

I just made that up.

George seems reconciled to his inevitable defeat at Kevin's hands.

And has now set his sights on a new challenger.

And so far, Marsh has beaten him two out of three times.

As for Heather, her tutoring has paid off.

And Dwight was thrilled to receive his first D+. Which exceeded even my wildest

expectations.

But who cares about the Owenses? When it's Erica I'm really concerned about.

I've saved Brett's eyes.