Original subtitles

Yeah, Angela, my mom said I absolutely can't go.

Well, just because at the last concert some guy got thrown off the balcony.

Well, don't worry. I've got a plan. She said I could sleep over your house

instead, so we'll go anyway, and she will never know a thing.

Look, Angela, I gotta go.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Hi, Wes.

Hi, sis.

How long have you been standing there?

Huh?

No reason.

Oh, Heather?

Yeah? How much money do you have?

I mean, you cleaned out your savings account and everything.

Why?

Because that's how much it'll take to keep me quiet.

You heard.

Yep. If you tell anybody, I will rip your tongue out.

Heather's doing something bad, something bad, something bad.

I just said she was going to rip my tongue out.

Oh, and it's not even my birthday.

All right, what's going on?

I think you should ask Heather.

It's nothing, Mr. Belvedere.

Me and Wes are just having some good -natured fun. Oh.

I mean, Mom and Dad told us we should do more stuff together.

Right, Wes?

Yeah, in fact, later the two of us are going down to the bank together.

Yeah, so everything's fine.

Really? That's very nice.

And rest assured, I don't believe a word you're saying.

Hey, guys. I'm going down to the office for a while.

Oh, George, haven't you forgotten something?

Sorry, honey.

George, it's Tuesday. It's payday.

Oh, I forgot.

Of course, with what I pay you, there's not much to remember.

That's certainly true.

Don't spend all in one place. That would be hard.

Anything else before I leave?

Yes. How about a raise?

I'll see you.

Ripped on the china Never met her before Who cares

When you drop kick the jacket, as you came through the door, no one's there.

But sometimes things get turned around and no one's there.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new world.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Here's your money.

Take it out of the envelope, please.

Four dollars?

Yeah.

Oh, Mom!

Hey!

Heather, if you want me to keep quiet about you sneaking off to that concert,

it's going to cost you a lot more than this. But that's all I have, I swear!

Look, I'll pay you some other way. How about if I do your homework?

Don't threaten me, Heather.

Wesley, take your garbage out, please.

Oh, I'll get it, Mr. Belvenere.

He loves doing things for her baby brother.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, champ.

What are you doing?

Nothing, just spending some time with my mom and dad.

That's very nice, honey, but why?

Oh, well, I just was driving home this afternoon, and I got to thinking how I

start college pretty soon and how I won't be seeing you guys.

and how I'm really going to miss you.

And while I was thinking about all that, I went through a stop sign.

You mean you got another... Yeah, that's the ticket.

All right, wise guy, let's have the keys.

Come on, Dad, I got a big date Saturday. Come on.

Look, I don't even think it was my fault. I mean, there was this big branch

covering the letters.

Sorry, Kev, rules are rules.

Wait a minute, honey.

What do you mean about the branch?

Oh, well, the wind was blowing real hard, and it sort of pushed part of the

in front of the sign. So I couldn't really see it.

So?

So I don't think Kevin's really at fault.

Yeah, right.

What about the ticket?

He's going to fight it.

I am?

You're lucky you have a mom who's a law student.

I'll be back in a little bit.

Sure, big guy.

I'm going to the bank to cash my check.

Okay.

I hope the Fed can handle the dent in the money supply.

Hey, Belvedere, are you really serious about wanting more money? I thought you

were just kidding.

Well, I've been here for some time, and considering the amount of work I do, I

feel I'm entitled.

Look, I only want to do what's fair. Of course.

So I'll take a gander at the old finances, and I'll get back to you in a

of days.

Perhaps we can do lunch.

You got it, sweetheart.

Come on, Cap, we're going to be late.

Take it easy, Mom. I'm all ready.

Oh, honey, you look so innocent.

Mr. Belvedere, we're leaving for court now. Good luck.

Oh, Mr. Jones, I went upstairs to straighten up and found all the beds

made. Did you do that?

Who, me?

I didn't think so.

Oh, no, Dad did that before he went to work. Oh, really?

Yeah, he said something about how we should all pitch in and help out so you

won't have so much work to do.

Oh, that's a very nice gesture.

Yes.

And I think I have one for him.

And, fourthly, the obeying of any law is predicated upon the reasonable

expectation of the ability to do so. But my son's ability to comply was clearly

compromised by an act of God. Thus, I see no grounds for his subsequent citing

by Officer Hobson.

Where'd he go?

I believe he left.

Now, Mrs. Owens, I think you mentioned something a while ago, back when we were

all younger, about an obstruction over the sign.

Yes, there were branches covering the stop sign. That is the crux of our case.

Do you have evidence to support that?

Yes, we have photographs.

Here, Your Honor.

You may mark them, exhibits A through F.

I'll get right on it.

Mrs. Owens, there are no branches over this sign.

The wind wasn't blowing.

Kevin, please.

But if you look at the second photograph... Ah, yes, I see the sign is

hidden by branches.

But, uh... Isn't that your son up in the tree pushing them against the sign?

She made me.

Your Honor, I was simply attempting to demonstrate that. Although the wind was

not blowing with the same force as on the day of the incident, it was

possible for the sign to be covered by the branches in question.

I understand that.

But I'm afraid these photographs simply don't prove your contention. Your Honor,

if I may... However, since the visibility of the sign has been brought

question, and as I need to get up and walk around a little...

I will dismiss the ticket and waive the fine on the condition that Mr. Owens

attend a six -hour driver's education class.

Thank you, Your Honor. That is totally unacceptable.

Huh? My son is innocent of the violation, and I will settle for nothing

than complete exoneration.

That's nice.

Come on, Belvedere, you're going to spoil your appetite.

I think this just did.

I take it you're preparing dinner?

Yeah, well, you shouldn't have to do it every night. You deserve a break once in

a while.

I'll consider it.

So, why don't you sit down and relax?

Well, if you'd like it, I'd be happy to help. Not necessary.

Well, at least I can make the salad.

Oh, it's okay, Belvedere. Oh, I insist.

Don't touch my tomato!

Look, George, you don't have to do my work for me.

If you don't want to give me a raise, just say so.

I'll understand.

Okay. I don't want to. Why not?

First of all, you don't even need the money.

I mean, all those antiques you got upstairs are worth thousands. You're

asking for a raise to tick me off. No, I'll do that for nothing.

And secondly...

What I'm paying you right now is the going rate for cooking and cleaning in

Pittsburgh. I wish that was all I had to do.

What's that supposed to mean? Perhaps you haven't noticed, but your family is

the domestic equivalent of a Chinese fire drill.

Huh? I spent half my life keeping Heather and Kevin out of trouble, and as

Wesley, well, at least I managed to keep him out of prison.

Hey, you love him. Yes. I live for aggravation.

I bet you couldn't go for five minutes without butting your nose in somewhere.

How much?

Huh? How much do you want to bet?

How about five bucks? Fine. From now on, you get nothing but cooking and

cleaning and absolutely nothing else. Fine with me.

I'm back.

Hey, Kevin, where's your mom?

She's putting the car in the garage.

She's allowed to.

What are you talking about?

Mom wouldn't shut up so the judge suspended my license.

I can't drive for two months.

Now what am I going to do?

Don't look at me. I just work here.

So then mom starts dealing with all this junk about my constitutional rights.

And the judge says his patience was wearing thin, but I guess mom didn't

him because then she started talking about how she should have fought all my

other tickets.

And the judge said, what other tickets?

And that's when he suspended my license for two months. He said he was doing it

as a warning to other teenage drivers and their mothers.

Did he tell you what happened? No.

The whole thing was a complete mockery of justice. It's okay, Mom. And I have

half a mind to go down there and tell him that. Please don't.

He did your best.

Well, I'm going to keep working on this.

Well, at least I didn't go to jail.

Not yet.

My oatmeal's cold.

So?

So could you please heat it up for me?

Sit on it.

That could work.

That's it. I'm serious. Stop it, you creep.

Let's go. Hello, children.

Mr. Belvedere. Hello, Tim. I don't care.

Wesley's blackmailing me. He found out I was going somewhere Mom said I couldn't

go to. So ever since he's been making me give him money and be a slave and

making my life a living hell.

Like my new can.

But your father and I have agreed that I should restrict myself to domestic

duties, so I cannot get involved.

See, Heather?

He can't help you. No one can.

Of course, I can still water.

Don't worry, Shannon. I'll figure something out.

Hey, what about if I pick you up on my bicycle?

I'll let you honk my horn.

Don't worry, I'll think of something, I promise.

What's the matter?

I had a big date tonight, but I... Well, you know.

Hey, look, your mom and me aren't doing anything. I could drive you guys and

pick you up later.

We were supposed to go to the drive -in.

Oh, looking for a little action at the old passion fit, huh, Casanova?

Dad, come on. Look, if this date's important, we'll work something out.

Okay.

So that's why I'll...

I hope you don't mind us coming along, Shannon.

Oh, no, no. It's always fun to dabble. The last time I went to one of these

things, I got my foot stuck in the horn.

Hey,

what are you guys doing in back?

We switched.

Shannon couldn't see over your old man.

Just pretend we're not even here.

Right.

And here's your stuff.

Honey, mine has no butter.

Oh.

Hey, where's my licorice whips? I got them.

I need these in case the little missus gets out of line.

Boy, it must be 15 years since me and your mom went to this drive -in.

That's great.

Do you remember how cold it was?

That stupid little heater that didn't work?

Right. We managed to keep warm somehow.

What are they doing?

George!

Morning, Kevin.

Yeah, morning.

What are you in the mood for?

New parents.

I take it the drive -in didn't go too well.

Dad did okay.

I mean, it's tough trying to watch a movie when your parents are in the back

doing their version of body heat.

Oh.

And after last night, Shannon will probably never go out with me again. And

if she did, I can't drive anywhere.

You know, I have an idea that might help.

Yeah?

Pity I can't tell you.

Morning, Kev.

Bye, Mom.

Did you have breakfast already?

I don't have time. I have to walk to school, remember?

Oh, look, Kevin, I've been doing some more work on your case, and I think I've

found a way of appealing the judge's decision.

It's okay, Mom. Forget it. I know if I just have another chance to present my

argument... Mom, you don't have to. But I can still win.

That's what's really getting you, isn't it? What?

You don't care about what happened to me. You're just mad because you screwed

up. Of course I care about you.

This was sort of my first case.

Oh, great. So now my whole life is a mess because you had to prove what a big

shot lawyer you were going to be.

Kevin, this is important to me. Oh, sure.

Law school and your stupid career, that's all you care about.

And me and everyone else, we just get the short end.

That's not true.

You know, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think it would have been a

lot better for all of us if you'd just become a realtor.

Hey, Belvedere.

Hello, George.

Marsha home yet?

I believe she went to pick up your youngest son.

You know, the one I don't have to deal with anymore.

Well, how was your day?

Leisurely.

I see that.

Now that I'm no longer obligated to keep your family from self -destructing, I

find I have more free time than I know what to do with.

That's great, Belvedere.

Because the Owens family is doing just fine without you.

Hi, Ma.

Hello, Kevin. Hi. Hi, Heather. Just shut up.

So far, so good.

Kevin, the limousine you rented has arrived. Oh, great.

You're certainly pulling out all the stops to your date with Shannon.

Yeah, well, I've got to. I mean, after the performance Mom and Dad gave at the

drive -in.

The memory of that still haunts me.

And I wasn't even there.

Hey, what's going on? Guy in a big black car just pulled up in our driveway.

He's come for you, so go quietly.

Did you finish everything?

Yes. Did you clean my room and give my hamster a bath? Yeah.

Did you feed my fish? Yeah, I fed him your hamster. You fed him mine.

Back it off, you two guys.

I fed him, okay?

Fine, and I guess that means you can go to the... You know what.

You all set for Angela's? Yeah, Mom.

Well, I want you to have a good time, but remember, you're a guest in

house. So behave.

Don't worry, Mom. It'll be like I'm not even there.

I forgot my jacket.

I'm leaving for study group now.

I'll get it.

Owens residence, Mr. Owens.

Oh, hold on.

Cabbage for you.

It's that girl you and Mom are making out in front of.

In back up.

What do you mean you're sick?

Are you sure? Do you have a temperature?

103.

Well, that's not so bad.

Yeah, I understand.

Yeah. I hope you feel better.

Bye.

What's the matter?

Shannon can't go. She caught a cold at the drive -in. Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, right, Mom. Aren't you late for your study group?

Look, Kevin, maybe you're right.

Maybe all I cared about was that I lost.

But it scares me. I mean, the next time I go into that courtroom, it'll be for

real.

Oh, when I was just practiced?

I wish you would have told me that before.

Look, I was just trying to help. I blew it. I'm sorry.

You're right, ma 'am. Anyway, what do you care whether I care about you or

You're 18.

All you talk about is how you're going off to college and we'll never see you

again. So what's the difference?

I'm living you anyway.

Excuse me.

Kevin, the driver wants to know when you're leaving.

I'm not. Just tell him he can go home.

But you've already paid for it.

So what am I supposed to do?

Well, you've got those lovely flowers, a limousine waiting, and dinner

reservations for two. I should think it's perfectly obvious.

Unfortunately, I can't go.

There must be someone else you could take.

You win.

You don't have to. I mean, it's silly.

You're right. I mean, you've got your study group.

I don't have to go.

So you want to go out with me?

Yeah, I would.

Great. Oh, and listen, I'm sorry about before. I said some pretty awful things

to you.

You called me a realtor.

I'm sorry, too.

Oh, I got this for you.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Are you sure you won't be embarrassed?

I mean, out on a date with your mother?

Nobody will think you're my mom.

They'll just figure you're paying me or something.

I'm going now.

Have a good time, kitten. Before you go, in case you're interested, my bet with

your father is over.

So now I am free to meddle.

You are?

So, Heather, perhaps you have something you'd like to tell your father.

Huh? What is it, honey?

Oh, come now. Wouldn't you give up one night to bad music to get Johnny Rotten

in months of trouble?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Hey, Belvedere. George.

I think it'll be a long time before Westman blackmails anyone else.

At least not sitting down.

That's nice.

Look, Belvedere, when you started dropping your little hints about not

paid enough, I thought you were just jerking me around. You know, it was, uh,

let's have some fun with George time.

No, that's usually the case.

Look, George, it wasn't the raise per se I wanted.

It was more an acknowledgement from you of the contribution I'd made to this

household. Oh?

When I asked you for more money, I was simply asking for a gesture of

appreciation. A little pat on the back for a job well done.

Glad you're here, big guy. Thank you, George.

That's for next year.

I may be still working for the same meager wages, but at least I'm back to

the O .N.'s advisor.

Confidant and all -round Butinsky.

Even as I write this, I've learned that Wesley has sworn revenge against me,

Heather is hatching a new plot with Angela, while Kevin has plans to forge a

driver's license in Print Shop.

Tomorrow should be fun.