Original subtitles

Does the Attorney General know you're reading that?

Kevin, we're supposed to be researching colleges.

I am, Wendy. What are you doing? Looking for roommates?

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. I just figured maybe they needed to get out and stretch

their legs a little while.

Wesley, I think your aunts were perfectly happy in their ant farm.

Certainly happier than they are in here.

How's the great college hunt coming?

Pretty good.

Yeah, Kevin's already zeroed in on some nice student bodies.

Hey, come on.

This is their college issue. They do a rundown on all the top universities.

Best fraternities, best men -to -women ratio, co -ed dorm.

Kevin, what are you looking for, a good school or a good party?

Both.

Oh, can you drive me someplace? It is an emergency. What happened?

Well, Angela just called from the mall, and they are having a free makeup

demonstration. Good God, I hope we're not too late.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere, this isn't...

Oh, I'd love to, Heather, but I have dinner to prepare.

Well, Kevin, can you take me?

I'm busy.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm not doing anything.

You don't drive, stupid.

Okay.

Come on, you two. I need some help in the kitchen.

Wesley, hurry up with those potatoes.

You know, this is the kind of stuff I make you do in jail.

Then you'd better get used to it.

We just came from there. Oh, this is a nightmare. I'm a prisoner in my own

house. Heather, we told you. You just keep your grades up and you can get your

learner's permit next month.

That's so far away.

Come on, kitten. You'll be out driving before you know it.

So which one of you is going to teach me?

Oh, gee, I'd love to, honey, but you know how busy I am.

Uh, look, kitten, I read somewhere where it's not a good idea for a relative to

teach you.

Isn't that right, Belvedere?

Uncle Belvedere.

Well, you'll teach me, won't you, Mr. Belvedere?

Sure, he'd love to.

Just think, in four weeks I'll be sitting behind the wheel and you'll be

next to me.

Perhaps this would be a good time to discuss my health plan.

Never met her before.

Who cares when you dropkick your jacket? As you came through the door, no one

glared. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Something for you?

Uh, no, Mr. Belvedere. Just a piece of junk mail. Nothing you'd be interested

in. What is it, another note from school?

I know they don't permit you to bring them home anymore.

Hand it over.

The British Genealogical Society.

See, you send them your last name and they give you a full history of your

family and your official coat of arms.

It was supposed to be a surprise for your next birthday.

That was a very nice thing to do, Wesley.

And I spoiled it.

Yeah, you always gotta be so suspicious.

I apologize.

I was trying not to jump to conclusions.

That's okay.

Anyway, here's the one from school.

Do you know what day this is?

The day you got your learner's permit?

Hey, I didn't think you'd remember.

Oh, I have it marked down in my calendar with a skull and crossbones.

Well, here it is. You've got to give me my first driving lesson.

And I will.

And I already know a lot.

You hold your hand on the steering wheel at 10 and 8 o 'clock, you accelerate on

a curve, and if you start to skid, go with it. All right!

The University of Miami, they accepted me.

Congratulations.

Let's celebrate by not going out.

Oh, come on, Mr. Belger, you promised.

All right.

But first of all, you're going to learn the rules of the road.

But I already know them.

Not my version.

Hey, Dad, I got into Miami.

Hey, where'd it go?

Check out this campus.

Oh, nice coconut.

Check out the tuition.

Whoa, almost 10 ,000 bucks.

Yeah, but that includes everything, except housing, transportation, food,

textbooks.

Look, I know it's a lot of money, but I got it all figured out. I'm going to get

a part -time job and put away every dime I make towards college.

That's good, honey.

And all you guys have to do is make up the rest.

We're driving along and Mr. Belvedere asks you to pull over, but you don't.

When will you drive again?

When pigs have wings.

Very good.

Now, we come to a stoplight and one of your infantile friends pulls up and

care to drag?

And you say, yes.

When will you drive again?

When pigs have wings.

Right again.

easy. All the answers are the same. Yes.

The questions are different.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. When are we going to go out for real?

Oh, don't worry. We will. We will.

Just as soon as I finish making this little scarf for your mother.

As soon as it's done, I give you my word, we'll be on the road.

Okay.

When do you take up knitting?

Just now.

Hello, Mr. Belvedere. Hello, Heather.

How are you doing with Mom's scarf? Oh, it's coming along just dandy. I should

be finished any day now.

If I were suspicious, I'd say you were dragging this out just to keep from

taking me driving.

Oh, Heather, that would be very small of me.

Like it?

Shouldn't have any trouble picking up the chicks.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, I'm proud of the kid. Said he was getting a job, he got one.

Yeah, he also got another acceptance. The University of Hawaii at Manoa.

Is the tuition there as much as... More.

Well, I guess we should be proud. He's getting into such expensive schools.

Right. And there's no better investment than a good education.

So how the hell are we going to pay for it? I have no idea.

Is your seatbelt securely fastened?

Yes, Mr. Belvedere.

Are your mirrors properly adjusted?

Yes, Mr. Belvedere.

Then we're all set.

So, can I have the keys now?

No.

Don't be scared. I mean, I know it's my first time, but that just means I'm

going to be extra careful.

You're quite right, Heather.

You're a very responsible young lady, and I'm sure you'll do just fine.

All right, let's burn some rubber!

Boy,

that was more fun than the bumper cars!

Are we still lurching?

Hey, I drove great.

What happened to the groceries?

What almost happened to me?

Mr. Belvedere's just mad because Heather tried to back over him while he was

loading the bags.

I'm not.

It's just I saw his head in the rearview mirror and I thought he was in the back

seat.

Heather, when you leave a parking space, you look.

You don't use deductive reasoning.

I'm sorry.

Really? That's all right.

Look, I'll be a lot more careful when we go out tomorrow.

How was your first day?

Creasy.

Five hours washing chickens, breading chickens, frying chicken.

Why don't you go and clean up? Dinner's nearly ready.

Oh, what are we having?

You don't want to know.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Listen, I thought it over, and Hawaii's just too far. So I decided to go to

Miami. Oh, well, look, you don't have to make up your mind right away. You still

have lots of time to consider some other options.

What do you mean?

Well, I was thinking I'd be kind of proud if you went to your old man's

The University of Pittsburgh? That's right downtown.

Hey, that's right.

It would be a lot more convenient for you.

What's wrong?

Kevin, the University of Miami and those other out -of -state schools, we can't

afford them.

Well, then I'll get another job. I'll get the money somehow.

Hey, look, pal, we're talking $15 ,000 a year. It's too much.

Now, we know Pittsburgh isn't your first choice, but it's an excellent school.

I don't want to go to Pittsburgh. I'm going to Miami.

Hey, look, champ, I'd like to be with the surf bunnies, too, but it's...

not why I want to go.

Then why do you? Because it's not here.

Don't you understand? I've got to get away from you people.

Yeah.

Doc?

You know... the people you want to get away from?

Sorry about what I said. I'll go to Pittsburgh or City College or Barber

College, whatever you want. Kevin, it's not what we want. Mom, it's okay.

I'll go to college all day and still get home in time to take out the garbage.

Hey, look, I think we know what's bugging you.

You're 18.

You want a little more freedom, a little more elbow room.

Yeah, so?

So? Maybe we can work something out.

Like what?

Like what if we loosened up the rules around here a little?

Yeah, from now on, you'll be your own boss.

Just the same as if you were living in your own dorm room. Right, Marsha? Sure.

So you're saying that I can do anything here that I could do if I were away at

college? You got it, champ.

Right. Because we trapped you.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere.

Golly, in the mood for a little Sunday morning drive?

No. I checked outside and there isn't any traffic.

They probably heard about you.

Is Kevin back yet?

I'm afraid not.

But I'm sure he has a very good reason for staying out all night and wanting us

all sick.

I bet.

So what'd you do if I stayed out all night?

Change the locks.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Hey, Kev.

We were getting a little worried.

Where have you been?

Out.

Oh, and what have you been doing all this time?

Stuff.

I think I'm going to hit the hay, unless there's anything else.

No, dear.

Just get some shut -eye.

I know.

Boy, he got off pretty easy. One more word and you're grounded.

Dealers are up by ten.

Oh, somebody else want a brewski?

No, you want a punch in the mouski?

Hey, you told me I could do anything I could do in college.

Yeah, well, you can't guzzle a six -pack there either.

At least not till you're 21, buddy. Oh, so what you're really saying is I can't

do anything?

Sure you can.

Okay, so what if there's a girl I like? Can I bring her home?

Well, of course. Your friends are always welcome here. Can she stay all night?

Well, I, uh... Sure.

Great. I'll get right on it.

Yeah, Carla, I figured we could grab something to eat, see a movie, and then

could come back to my house and sleep together.

I'm sure my parents are going to be here. That's the whole point.

Hello.

Hello. Who did you kill?

The mailman or the gardener?

Oh, just the dummy.

What are you doing with that?

Well, this is Mr.

Coronary. I'm learning CPR in health class.

Yeah, we're taking him out to the garage to practice on.

I see.

Well, you two do that.

I think I may go upstairs and take a nap before dinner.

Okie dokie.

All right, is the elbow okay?

Yeah. You sure this thing is going to fool people?

It'll roll if we're going fast enough.

Not only have you resuscitated Mr. Culinary, but he's already well enough

for a spin.

Well, you won't drive with me anymore. I mean, I had to do something.

It'd be safer to let him drive.

Come right in.

Hi, Mr. Owens. Hello, Mrs. Owens. Hello, Wendy. Hi.

It's very nice of you to let me sleep with your son.

Our pleasure.

Kevin, your one -night stand has arrived.

Great. I was just chit -chatting with your parents.

Yeah, well, let's go upstairs.

Well, see you at breakfast.

I'll take this sleeping bag. You can have the bed.

Whatever.

Look, I really appreciate you doing this. Hey, I understand.

It's like you said on the phone. You're just trying to prove something to your

parents.

Yeah, they say they're giving me all this freedom, but they don't really mean

it.

Sooner or later, they're just going to come busting in here and call it all

Right.

I mean, I didn't even think they'd let us get this far.

Who knows how far they'll let us get.

If there's nothing else, I'm turning in.

Hey, Belvedere, you want to take a stroll by Kevin's room and see what's

George, I am the housekeeper, not the house detective.

George, this is insane.

He lives upstairs with a girl in his room and we're sitting down here doing

nothing.

Would you have in mind?

Sure.

And this whole thing about loosening up the rules was your dumb idea.

Well, you're the one who said he could use his room like a dorm. You said sure.

I think you're both right.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What your brother does or does not do is none of your concern.

So both of you just go to bed.

So, is this the first time you've had a girl up here alone?

Yeah.

This is the first time I've been in a guy's room alone.

Somehow I knew it would be like this.

cozy here.

So listen, I've got a deck of cards. You want to play something?

We could play strip poker.

Of course, if we don't count glasses, I'm in big trouble.

This whole idea is stupid. No, it's not.

Here.

Throw some of these on the floor.

What are you doing?

Well, now you can tell your parents we messed around and not be lying.

It doesn't matter. Nobody's going to believe anything.

I just meant... Well, I realize we know nothing could happen, but somebody else

might think so.

I mean, if they knew there was a guy up here all alone with a reasonably

attractive, somewhat voluptuous girl who liked him a lot, and who, by the way,

had been jogging and already lost 11 pounds, not that he'd notice, well, they

sure as hell might think something could happen.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. It's my fault for coming over.

You don't have to leave.

Oh, I gotta go, really.

to sleep with him.

No,

I love it.

It reminds me of the Blitz.

Hey, what's this?

Your dirty clothes.

If you were away at college, you'd be doing them yourself.

So from now on, you can consider them a kind of privilege.

Thanks.

you should be considering getting a hot plate unless you want to pay for all

your meals.

Look, I've got to show them that me staying at home is never going to work.

I've got to get away.

Away from what?

I don't know. From everything.

Does that include yourself?

Maybe. Yeah, maybe I want to be somebody different.

Somebody different from the insufferable little twit you've been recently?

You see, if I could go someplace like Miami where nobody knows me, then I

start fresh.

I mean, I could be confident and sure of myself.

And people wouldn't know what a clumsy jerk I used to be.

Look, run away to Miami, but believe me, you'll be the same clumsy jerk, only

in a warmer climate.

Yeah, well, uh, maybe people won't catch on.

Then I'll write and tell them.

And after that, I think I might drive down to Pitt, check out the campus.

Okay.

Yeah, maybe you can be their mascot.

Yeah, listen, I want to apologize about the way I've been acting the last couple

days.

We said you could do what you wanted.

Yeah, I know, but I only did all that stuff to tick you guys off.

You did a very good job of it.

I guess I just figured if I could go somewhere else, then I could be somebody

else.

Hey, look, pal.

We might still be able to swing the University of Miami.

I mean, not right away.

But if you keep your grades up, maybe you can transfer in a year or two.

Yeah, I'll be a lawyer by then. We'll have two incomes, and I don't have to

the Porsche right away.

Wendy.

I have no pride.

And apparently, neither do you.

to work oh i'll walk with you oh listen

about last night um i thought about it and how i sort of used you and i guess

it's a pretty rotten thing to do to somebody you like that's true but now at

least i have something to brag about with the girls in the locker room i

the night with kevin owens

you've chosen death.

Oh, God, what happened?

I didn't do it.

Me and Holly Huffman were playing wheelies on our bikes, and I fell off

my arm.

Nobody was here, and Wes was screaming, so I took him in the car and drove him

to the emergency room. Anyway, I called you from the hospital, but I guess you

weren't back yet, so I drove him home.

I see.

They gave him some stuff for pain, but it still...

You are to be congratulated, Heather. That was very quick thinking.

Thank you, Mr. Belvedere.

Oh, and speaking of quick thinking, catch.

It's a miracle.

Heather's joy ride has cost her dearly.

She's been denied driving privileges until the pilots win the pennant.

Or until pigs have wings.

Whichever comes first.

Kevin, having met some of the coeds at Pitt, now seems content to stay at home

and attend school locally.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to convince Wesley he should move out when he starts

the sixth grade.

I can dream, can't I?