Original subtitles

If you'd like a break, I'd be happy to clap you around.

I'm just trying to stay awake.

Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Get some sleep.

I can't.

I have to learn all these cases by the end of the week.

So when Professor Hofstadter tells me to stand up and says, Brown versus the

Board of Education, give me all the precedence, I'll be ready with a

really good answer.

I think all this studying is becoming counterproductive.

Yeah, I guess it gets to the point where you've learned everything there is to

learn. I reached that point in 1957.

Go to bed.

Okay.

stupid rat.

That's it, cheese eater.

Live it up while you can. Your days are numbered.

Where'd you go now?

Hey!

Dad, it's me.

What are you trying to do? Give your old man a heart attack?

No, I hurt him, too. I was gonna go up to the attic, pretend I was one of them.

You know, flush him out.

It's okay, Wes.

We'll get ratso in the morning. Right, Dad.

Hey, Champ, is your mom still studying?

No, I think she's coming up now.

Give me the mask. I'm going to give her a little scare.

Great idea, Dad.

Not tonight, George.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Look at me. Not now, I'm eating.

I'm a big, fat, disgusting blob.

I hate myself.

All right, Heather.

Now, what's the matter?

I gained three pounds.

Oh, no.

Hey, look, this is serious.

All you ever do anymore is put on weight.

Heather, you're only 15.

Your body is still changing.

has a wonderful figure. I'm sure you'll turn out just like her.

You think so?

Unless you take after your father.

Heather, you look fine.

Believe me, it's all in your head.

Hey, Wes. Mr. Belvedere. How's it going, Chunky?

Mr.

Belvedere, may I have another cup of coffee, please?

Here you go.

If that's not enough, you can call the Hild brothers.

Thank you.

We're back.

Hey, look, Mr. Belvedere.

Me and Dad are going to be rat busters.

See, we got traps and poison and pellets and all that good stuff.

George, it's difficult to hire an exterminator.

Why should I pay some bozo 75 bucks to do something I can do myself?

Yes, and for only $110.

Radishes and rainbow sherbert.

So did you get the pills?

Oh, yeah.

Are you sure these things are going to make me lose weight? My mom took them

two and a half months and she's down to 240 pounds.

Wow.

Why are these prescription bottles always so hard to open?

What have you got there, Angela?

Oh, nothing, Mr. Belly Flop.

What pills?

What's going on?

I'm not sure.

You better ask Blondie.

Mom, they're only diet pills.

Where did you get these?

From my mom, but don't worry, she won't miss them.

Look, I'm only going to take one or two, you know, just to lose some weight.

Heather, these are amphetamines.

Huh? You know, feed, whites, bennies, uppers.

I happened to catch Miami Vice.

The point is, these pills are dangerous. They don't just suppress your appetite,

they affect your entire system. They make you hyper, they don't let you

and they can be very addictive.

Gee, Mrs. Owens, you sure know a lot about this stuff.

Oh, I forgot you grew up in the 60s.

But if I don't take something, how am I ever going to lose any weight?

Heather, I hear there's a revolutionary new weight loss system called willpower.

Yeah? Of course, I've only read about it, but I hear it works wonders.

That's a very good idea.

Mr. Belvedere can put you on a sensible diet, and I'll take care of these.

And I'll take care of this.

Hey, Dad, I'm almost through cutting the cheese.

Good. Now we can start baiting the traps.

Yeah. Mr. Belvedere wanted me to tell the great white hunters dinner's in ten

minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Dad, you want to help?

Uh, no, thanks.

Hey, come on, Deb.

Me and Westman are closing in for the kill.

Well, I don't really go in for this sort of stuff.

What's the matter? It's just a rat.

Well, it's still one of God's creatures, Dad.

And I guess I still believe the needless slaughter of even the least of them

diminishes me.

But you guys have fun.

That's your mother's side talking.

Come on, let's nail this guy.

I think I found the place where he gets in.

It's in the corner here.

Great. Hey, why don't you put one over here?

Mrs. Owens?

I thought you were meeting your study group at 7.

Oh, God.

Why didn't you wake me?

I thought I just did.

How do you have a treat?

Plain yogurt on a rice cake.

The survivors tell me it's delicious.

I'm never going to lose any weight.

You can do whatever you set your mind to.

I don't know.

I wish I had those stupid pills.

I wonder what Mom did with them.

Hi, guys.

Boy, did I have a great study group tonight. We reviewed 25 cases. We

four pizzas. I didn't have any. Maybe I'll go study some more. I wonder if the

library's still open. See ya.

I think I know where they went.

Heather, what are you doing?

Exercising.

Does your body know?

Why should I do anything?

Mom's probably losing weight just by taking those pills, and that's not even

what she's taking them for. Good morning.

Sausage and waffles and bacon and juice are in the warmer. Help yourselves.

Heather, I didn't forget about you. There are two poached eggs and half a

grapefruit in the fridge.

Oh, I hope you don't mind that I made breakfast with busy hands or happy

That's what I say.

George!

What do you want now?

It's breakfast time, silly.

Oh, I can handle that.

Boy, I can't believe Mom. She must have picked five different kinds of pancakes.

Mm -hmm.

I think making her own syrup was a nice touch.

I'm not sure. It's so unlike your mother that I'm a bit timid.

Maybe I should turn her into the cop.

I mean, that's what all the other kids are doing.

Heather, I don't think we should send Mom up the river yet.

What we should try and do is help her.

You think we should tell Dad?

Stupid rat.

I'd like to rip his scrawny little guts out.

That's another time.

Problem, George?

Yeah, I just checked the attic.

Bait's gone. The traps are sprung.

I look over in the corner, and there's the rat, picking his teeth, laughing at

me.

That was uncalled for.

Hey, Dad, did you catch him?

Afraid not, champ.

He's not as stupid as I thought.

Probably feels the same way about you.

and the headhunters.

What are you guys doing?

We're going off to the attic to wait for the rat.

Maybe I'll do some yard work.

Hey, honey, what are you doing out here?

Oh, nothing.

Just thinking about things, about life, wondering where it's all going,

wondering if any of this makes any sense.

I'll rake later.

No, it's there, Mom.

What are

you

doing?

seems to be up. It must be contagious.

Mom, what are you setting the table for? It's one o 'clock in the morning.

Getting a jump on breakfast.

Why not cook a ham and get a jump on Easter?

Mom, you know what you're doing. What's that, dear? You're taking those pills.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Excuse me. I've got a lot of things to do. Mom. And

even if I were taking them, I've only taken one or two.

What about all the stuff you told me about being beaten, addictive, and real

dangerous? Heather, it's not the same for me as it is for you.

Sure, Mom.

You're young. You look fine. All this stuff about needing to lose weight is

in your mind.

But my test tomorrow is very real.

And I need those pills to stay awake and healthy because I've got to do well.

You can understand that, can't you?

Yeah, I understand.

You can say one thing and do whatever you want.

She'll understand when she gets older.

Good. Then perhaps she can explain it to me.

you do things you wouldn't normally do just to help you get by.

But I'm only taking them for this one exam and then never again.

With all due respect, Mrs. Owens, you're full of it.

What about the next big test or the one after that?

What about the night you graduate?

You may want to stay up late and party.

That's assuming, of course, that you do graduate.

Because sooner or later, this stuff catches up with you.

I am trying to survive in a class where everyone is half my age and twice as

smart. What am I supposed to do? Why not do what the rest of us do?

Get by on fear and adrenaline.

Well, if I want a lecture, I can get one at school.

Good morning, George.

How was rat patrol?

Rotten. I'm up half the night with my bat in my hand. I fall asleep for five

minutes. My sandwich is gone.

My thermos is empty.

How in the hell does a rat unscrew a thermos?

Count to clockwise?

Hey, honey.

Hey.

I'm sorry I didn't come to bed last night.

Oh, I didn't notice.

No, I mean, I didn't come to bed either. I must have been studying.

Oh, right.

Hey, so good luck with your oral thing today.

Thanks. Yeah, good luck with your rat.

You two have something very special.

I gotta go. Do well.

Where are they?

Lose something?

My pills. They were in my purse and now they're not. They didn't just get up and

walk away.

Those ones might. Mr. Belvedere, I have a test in an hour. I know you took them,

so why... Here they are.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Paranoia is part of the fun.

All right, Mr.

Amacost.

If Lochner versus the state of New York doesn't, as you put it, ring a bell, how

about Shelley versus Kramer?

I know Kramer versus Kramer.

That's it, Mr. Armacost. Keep your sense of humor.

You'll certainly be needing it when you get your grade.

Good afternoon.

Miss Gantman, would you please send in my next?

Hi. It took so long. So nice to see you.

You. Make yourself comfortable.

You may have a seat if you wish. Thank you.

All right, Mrs. Owens, if you're fully prepared, this should be simple.

I'll cite a case.

You give a brief summary of the decision. I'll pose a few pertinent

You can stand if you like.

Thank you.

Fine. Now, what, if anything, can you tell me about the Youngstown Sheet and

Tube Company versus Sawyer?

In the Youngstown Sheet and Tube Company v. Sawyer, the Supreme Court was called

to rule upon the authority of the president to take possession of private

property. In this case, ruling unconstitutional, President Truman's

the nation's steel mills was a mental strike during the Korean War.

The majority opinion was handed down by Justice Hugo Lafayette Black, with

Justices Frankfurter, Jackson, Douglas Clark, and Burton concurring. Don't you

ever clean this place? And Justices Vinson, Reed, and Minton already noted

president's power to issue the order must stem directly either from an act of

Congress or from the Constitution itself.

Further, the court reasons there is no statute which expressly authorizes the

president to take possession of private property, nor is there any act of

Congress from which such power might fairly be implied. Thank you, Mrs.

know more.

I'm sure you do, but Mrs. Hofstede is expecting me home by Christmas.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Owens.

You mean I'm finished?

Yes.

Thank you.

Have a nice... Snap.

Mr. Belvedere.

Where's Professor Hofstetter?

He left right after he touched you in.

Oh, no.

He must think I'm such a jerk.

Yes, he does.

Did he say anything about the test?

I believe he said you passed.

I did?

He also wanted to know if you were available Tuesdays and Thursdays,

that means.

I guess I went a little out of control.

This time a little, next time a lot.

Keep this up and I wouldn't want you for an attorney.

Neither would anyone else.

Look, I'm tired.

Really? Why not pop another of your friends?

No, thank you. I'm through with those pills.

Fine, then we can set them aside for Kevin.

He starts college next year.

That's not even funny.

Oh, I am sorry.

I forgot about the famous...

Marsha Owen, double -tandered.

Okay, you're right. I shouldn't have taken them.

But the important thing is I passed the test.

Yeah, and failed everything else.

Congratulations.

Hi. Hi, honey.

How'd the test go?

I passed.

That's great.

How you doing?

Not bad.

I come home, ask my daughter what's new.

She says Mom's a speed freak.

And Belvedere had to go pick her up because she crashed in the props office.

That's about right.

I don't get it.

You're supposed to be the sensible one around here.

But popping those pills is a lot dumber than anything I ever did.

Yes, and that's saying a lot.

Look, George, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I think there's someone else you should be telling that to.

Who's in the kitchen?

Hi, Ed.

Having a little snack?

No, I'm eating a carrot.

It's part of my diet.

I can't take pills like some people.

I don't blame you for being mad at me.

Who's mad?

I think it's great.

You dress nice, go to law school, do drugs.

Hey, I got the coolest mom on the block. Look, Heather. You're my mother.

I look up to you. You're supposed to know what's right.

I mean, whenever I'm going to do something, and I'm not quite sure if I

or not, I always ask myself, what would Mom think?

And then if I think you think I was wrong, I don't do it.

Or if I do do it, I make sure you don't find out.

I thought that it was worth anything to pass that test.

But it wasn't worth losing your respect.

So what do you want me to do? I don't know.

You could give me a second chance.

Yeah, I guess you've given me a few.

Thanks.

I hope you know you're grounded.

Yo, Mr. Belvedere, I'm stuck.

I need a six -letter word for airborne irresistence.

How about Wesley?

irritating, but I'm not airborne.

You will be if you don't get your feet off the coffee table.

All right, who's the wise guy?

What's the matter, George?

Somebody's helping that rat.

What?

Look, I could believe it when he stole the bait out of the trap.

I even bought it when he emptied my thermos.

But rats don't write notes.

Thanks for the cheese.

Next time, leave some crackers.

Very funny, Belvedere. Oh, don't look at me. I would have asked for cookies.

Hey, hold on.

I know who's behind this, Mr.

Humanitarian. With that big spiel about all God's creatures.

Hey, I didn't mean that junk.

I just said it so I wouldn't have to help.

See, I started out wanting to kill him.

But then I saw him sitting there with his... his whiskers and his cute little

beady eyes.

He didn't seem like a rat anymore.

He seemed like one of the family.

Maybe one of your family.

Why didn't you tell me, pal?

I'm not going to kill him if he's a friend of yours.

Thanks, Dad.

And incidentally, I don't think he's a he because he just had babies.

What?

It's only 9 .30, but the entire Owens household has already retired to their

rooms. George and Martha to get the much -needed rest, Wesley to tend his flock

of quiggly little rodents, and Heather, in a last -ditch attempt to sweat off

some pounds, has recruited Kevin to wrap her in cellophane before turning in.

As for me, I'm trying to help the poor girl by removing everything from the

kitchen that could possibly tempt her.

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.