Original subtitles

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Hi, Heather.

Say, what's you making?

Chocolate chip cookies. Would you like one?

Nothing.

I already got something.

Oh,

it's not real. It's a gummy rat. You want a bite?

What flavor is it?

Plague?

Just finish your rodent and go and set the table.

Oh, okay.

I just took him for a nice long walk. Did you now?

And now I'm going to feed him and brush him, and then I'm going to take him

upstairs and give him a bath.

That's right, Wesley. You go and have a nice little filk with Bowser.

How Mr. Belvedere calls the funny farm.

Hey, I'm just doing this to prove to Mom and Dad I can take care of a real dog.

I see. And what kind of real dog are we talking about? A little Scotty? Or a

nice miniature poodle?

people see me coming they'll go the other way wesley they already do

okay on the cover we'll have van buren high school

class of 87 then the photo of the school the quote from emerson then straight to

this picture of the girls volleyball team nice try gi don't they ever

eat

How was the game, Dad?

Pretty good, Cap.

Gave your mom quite a workout.

And I appreciate that, dear.

So what are you two up to?

Oh, we're just working on our class yearbook. We're trying to come up with

basic layout.

Our theme is, the future is ours.

Oh, yeah.

Ours was shooting for the stars.

How about you, Dad? Do you remember your theme?

Uh...

I think it was eat more pork.

Just keep him away from my leg. He likes your leg.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. I'm taking real good care of my pretend dog. Yes, we can see

that. Yep. I think I'm just about ready for a real one.

Okay, pal.

Just remember, he's going to be your responsibility.

I know. Oh, and remember the other part of our bargain.

Uh -oh.

That's right. No dog until you bring up your history grade, and that means

getting an A on your test tomorrow.

But I'm no good at history.

Besides, Mr. Belvedere says it's not healthy to dwell on the past.

Don't drag me into this, you wormy little revisionist.

Worse, a deal's a deal.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go up and study.

Good, honey.

It's gonna be great having a dog, huh?

I can't wait.

to housebreak him?

If they can do it with you, they can do it with anybody.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Hey, kitten.

Hey, Dad. Is Mom home yet?

No, why?

No big deal. I just wanted to ask her a question.

Well, I'm home.

Yeah?

Well, ask your dad.

No, that's okay.

Hey, come on.

I mean, there's nothing you can ask your mom. You can't ask me, right?

Okay.

When you were my age, how big was your chest?

Hey, where are we going?

To get my dog.

What about our deal?

He got an A on his history test.

Congratulations, pal.

Looks like you're getting your pooch. Yeah. You hear that, Heather?

Great. That's all we need around here, another animal.

Oh, don't worry, Heather. I'll keep him away from your bowl.

Had a whiz kid here ace this history test.

Oh, how wonderful, Wesley. I'm thrilled. I think you should thank Mr. Belvedere

for helping you study.

Yeah, thanks.

And incidentally, the War of 1812 did not take place in 1957.

It didn't?

I must have been thinking of the War of 1957.

It's just me.

Boy, did I get some great stuff today.

I got pictures of the drama club, the debate team, and a group photo of the

future teachers of America.

Of course, that's only Bernice, but it's a nice pose.

Did you know that every year we produce more than 264 million tons of hazardous

waste? That's over one ton for every man, woman, and child in this country.

I keep mine in my gym locker.

What's the matter?

I've been doing all this research on that section about the future.

And I'm not sure it's going to be so great.

What do you mean?

Look, it says right here that pollution is changing the world's weather

patterns. Pretty soon, Africa could be a desert. Or Manhattan could wind up

under 20 feet of water. Come on, Kevin. All that stuff is just a bunch of gloom

and doom.

There happen to be a lot of very informed people out there who think

to have a great future.

Well, according to this, if the population keeps rising, it won't be

we run out of food.

Let me see that.

What are you doing?

Nothing, just felt like helping you out.

How thoughtful.

Yeah, well, see ya. Now, Wesley, you've hardly touched your dessert.

I wasn't hungry.

Guess maybe I'm too excited about getting my new dog.

Yes, you certainly seem to be.

You know, Wesley, we're all very proud of you.

We are?

You worked very hard to get that dog.

Mr. Belvedere, can I tell you something I did?

I mean, just pick me the two of us.

That depends. Is it a misdemeanor or a felony?

Go ahead.

I cheated on my history test.

Oh.

I didn't mean to. It was just real hard and I couldn't remember anything. I was

sitting right next to this Korean kid.

I see.

And what are you going to do about it?

I don't know. Buy him lunch?

Look, I know what I did was wrong, so I guess I'm going to have to tell Mom and

Dad.

Yeah, I figure I'll tell them in a month or two.

than to chew on.

Besides, dogs like smelly things. Give me that.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Hi, Wesley.

I'm getting Rambo's bed all ready for tomorrow.

How nice.

Yep, I got him a blanket and a rubber ball and a sold alarm clock.

The ticking reminds him of his mother's heart so he'll sleep good at night.

I hope you will be able to do the same.

Anybody here want a puppy? Get them while they're...

couldn't wait. You deserve them, honey.

Wesley, are you sure there isn't something you want to tell your parents?

Huh?

Um, oh, yes.

Thank you very, very much.

These two guys are crazy about each other.

Mr. and Mrs. Owens, Wesley cheated on his history test.

Hey. What?

He told me he copied from a classmate.

Is that true, Wes?

He cheated.

Yeah, but he wasn't supposed to tell you about it.

You promised.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so are we.

I'll talk to you when I get back from the pet shop.

Good thing I kept a receipt.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Owens.

I just thought you ought to know.

Thank you, Mr. Belvedere.

Listen, what he said just now, I'm sure he didn't mean it.

I'm sure he didn't mean it either.

Hello, Department of Immigration?

I guess you took Rambo back, huh?

Yeah, I think you know why.

Yeah, because Mr.

Ratfink told on me.

Hey, don't blame Belvedere, buddy. You're the guy who screwed up.

Was getting a dog so important that you really had to cheat? I think that's

pretty obvious.

Watch your mouth.

Sorry. Yeah, well, you can forget about TV or going to the movies or goofing

around after school. You're grounded.

Yes, sir.

Look, honey.

What you said to Mr.

Belvedere, I think it really hurt his feelings.

So? So it wasn't easy for him to tell us what you did, but he had to for your

own good.

Do you understand?

I understand.

I think you ought to go talk to him. You know, set things right.

Well, that's okay. I already took care of that.

What's this?

It's called The Terror of Tiny Town.

It's an old midget western.

What's that you're eating?

A rice cake.

Well, there's a pie in the kitchen.

That's all right.

I'm in the mood for styrofoam.

Are you okay, Mr. Belvedere?

Okay for think.

Oh.

You mean about Bustin' Wesley.

I'm usually so clever.

I can manipulate the situation.

Tweak the boy's conscience.

Make him think on himself.

Right. But this time it all happened so fast.

I betrayed his confidence.

I'm just afraid our relationship will never be the same.

Well, if it's any consolation, we're already being poisoned by solvent sludge

and chemical waste seeping into the water supply.

Thank you, Kevin.

Hello.

Yeah, this is the Owens residence.

Yeah, he works here. You want me to go get him?

You're on a diet.

Why? So I can be skinny for Armageddon?

So many flavors, so little time.

Yeah, there are a lot of great things we'll probably never get a chance to do.

Did you have something specific in mind?

I mean, like, take a trip around the world.

So did I.

with your yearbook presentation?

Yeah, you want to see it? All right. Okay.

Class of 87.

We have no future.

We'll start out trying to be real positive, but the way things are going,

be lucky if we make it to graduation.

It's hopeless.

And you've expressed that beautifully.

Whose idea was it to put the swim team in toxic waste?

to see.

Oh, well, that's fine, honey, because you did it on your own.

Yeah, I guess so.

Look on the bright side of that.

With a grade that lousy, you wouldn't have gotten a dog anyway.

It's up to him.

I'm certainly not going to stoop to his level.

Hey, what's for dinner?

Pickled tongue.

I'm sorry the rest of you have to suffer.

Come in.

Hey, Belvedere.

I'm just looking for Wes. You wouldn't find him in here.

Oh. I'm still in the doghouse, so to speak.

Ah, don't worry about it. He'll be back palling around with you in no time.

Oh? No, honey.

In fact, I enjoy having a little time to myself.

Yeah, it must be great.

It was.

Anyway, I've been thinking about Wes being grounded and... I don't know.

Maybe he's been punished enough.

It's up to you.

Hey, I know what you're thinking.

I'm too easy on the kid.

It's just I don't want to be a hard guy like my old man was.

No?

I mean, if I pulled a stunt like Wes did...

My old man made sure I couldn't sit down for a week. He let you hit?

What?

After a sound drubbing, my father always made me stand at attention, even at

mealtime. At least you got to eat.

I had to stand outside in the snow, looking through the window at everybody

else.

You had a window?

Wesley, you're behaving like an intolerable little twit.

Then why don't you run and tell Mom and Dad? Maybe it'll take away my goldfish.

Look, Wesley. I thought you were someone special.

Someone I could trust.

But you're not.

You're just a cranky old geezer who'll do anything to stop a kid from getting a

dog. Wesley.

Don't you sass me, you mangy little mongrel.

Slimy limey.

Wesley, we are not finished. You get back in there at once.

Well, at least they're talking.

Look, Wesley, don't you blame me for all your problems. I'm not the one who

cheated. Well, I'm not the one who told I cheated.

I had no choice.

I thought we had an understanding.

I tell you about the bad stuff I do and you keep it to yourself.

Wesley, I am your housekeeper, not your priest.

What about all the nice stuff I've done for you?

What nice stuff?

Well, the time you were sick and I went out in the snow to get you ding -dongs

because they're your favorite.

Wesley, you ate them all on the way home.

Yeah, well, what about this teabag holder I made for you in crafts?

It took a lot of work, but I didn't mind because I thought you were my friend,

but you're not.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am just an old geezer who thinks that you have the potential to be

someone extraordinary and not just a conniving little worm you are now.

Too bad.

I'd grown rather fond of that.

We heard a noise.

Everything okay?

What happened?

The thing is... No, it was nothing. Just a little mishap. I have to learn to be

more careful.

Okay.

Thanks for covering for me.

That's all right, Wesley.

It was none of their business.

I'll make you a new one.

You don't have to.

break one, you'll still have one.

Make three. I don't see why you should have all the fun.

Well, I guess we're friends again, huh?

Yes, I suppose it was unavoidable.

And you know what?

I'd rather have you than any smelly old dog.

Wesley, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Quit and let somebody else do it. I don't know.

What's the matter with you two?

The yearbook committee rejected our presentation.

They refused to see the future for what it is. Nothing more than a broken

promise. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I guess they thought the whole thing was a little too downbeat.

Gee, I don't know, Kel. The picture of the prom queen wearing a gas mask is

of peppy.

Well, well, if it isn't the brothers Grimm.

How did it go? They told us to do it over. They want an ordinary yearbook.

Something positive?

Something with a shred of hope?

Yeah. I don't know, maybe we should quit.

Look, both of you, every generation faces an uncertain future.

How do you think people felt during World War I or during the Great

Or when Martin and Lewis broke up?

The point is, you know all the problems, so stop whining and get to work on a

few solutions.

Then maybe you'll have a future.

Hello. I'm looking for Lynn Belvedere. I'm Lynn Belvedere. Lawrence Miller, U

.S. Department of Immigration.

Oops, I forgot about that.

Hey, you guys want to let us in on what's going on? We received an

alleging that a British citizen was working at this address in violation of

.S. immigration law. But it's okay now. We made up.

You want to take a seat, Mr. Belvedere?

Mr. Belvedere, are you a citizen or a permanent resident of the United States?

No, I'm not. And you are currently employed in this household?

Yes, I am. And do you possess a valid work authorization for such employment?

What was the question?

If you mean a green card, no, I don't.

I'm sure he just means that he lost it.

No, I don't. I mean, I never had it.

But I'll bet he's got a real good explanation, right?

Oh, certainly.

You see, I came to this country for a short visit to make some quick

observations, but one thing led to another, and I've been working here ever

since. See? I told you.

It is my duty to inform you that pursuant to Section 242 of the U .S.

Immigration Code, you're going to be taken into custody.

You have the right to remain silent. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys are making a big mistake.

I mean, you don't have all the facts.

Such as?

Well, what I mean is...

He really doesn't do that much work around here. Yeah, just look at his

Believe me, all he ever does is sit around watching TV and eating everything

sight. Yeah, he's just a lazy stinking sob and makes us all sick.

Thank you, Heather.

And all of you for those lovely sentiments.

But I do work here.

Or at least I did.

All right, let's go.

Wait a minute. Where are you taking him? He'll be at the federal building

downtown pending his deportation hearing.

Deportation?

I'm sorry.

You're not mad at me, are you? No, no. It's all my fault.

Anyway, I've probably been nabbed eventually in one of those big English

roundups they have here so often in Beaver Falls.

Mr. Belvedere? Sherwin?

If you're ever in England, drop by.

Belvedere usually writes in here, but he can't tonight because he's in

jail and it's all my fault.

Next time I'm going to ask for a cat.

Next time on Mr.

Belvedere... Marsha's upstairs trying to arrange bail.

I appreciate that.

So, you doing okay?

Nobody tried any funny stuff today.

So, what do you think of her?

Very nice.

What is she? My going -away present?

But why? You're supposed to marry her.

Look, everyone, the hearing's tomorrow, and I may have a few trips up my sleeve.

Oh, yeah?

After all, what could go wrong?

It's merely the United States government versus me.