Original subtitles

Oh, Mr.

Belvedere.

Do you think this bag is big enough?

Yes, I think you'll fit in it quite nicely.

No, it's for all the candy and junk people are going to give me. Why should

do that?

Friday's Halloween.

It's the day I get to go out, and if people won't give me stuff, I can

them.

Sounds like any other day to me.

Real funny, Mr. Belvedere. What's the matter?

What'd you put in this cookie batter? It's burning my throat.

I didn't put anything in. Oh, except a little cinnamon.

Hey, that's not cinnamon. That's cayenne pepper.

Really?

Oh, in that case.

Mr.

Belvedere, you need glasses.

I do not. You do, too.

My eyes are just a little tired after a long day of looking at people like you.

So why don't you go bother somebody else?

Whatever you say.

So, what do you think?

Coffee, tea, or me?

Heather, what are you wearing?

It's my costume for the Halloween dance. I'm going into the upstairs maid.

Well, you're going to stay upstairs in that outfit.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Look, honey, it's very flattering. I just think it's a little too revealing.

It's been a couple days. What am I going to go as?

Why don't you go naked? Then everybody will think you're Miss Piggy. Wesley!

Knock it off, guys.

Come on, George. I've got to get to class.

I'm ready.

Wesley, you are a creep!

Wesley, leave your sister alone.

Hey!

Oh, Mr. Belvedere.

You've got to find that. What's it?

for my class trips to the zoo today. Mom or Dad were supposed to sign it, but

they left.

Very well.

You should read it first.

Oh, I'm sure it's fine.

All right, well, have a good outing.

And try not to panic the rhino like you did last time.

I'm not going to the zoo.

What? You just signed a note saying you agreed to be my slave forever and do

whatever I say.

And that means you have to go to the... eye doctor, so there.

Very clever.

I didn't want to trick you, but I care about you and I want you to take care of

yourself.

Thank you.

You're quite right.

I'll call and make an appointment right now.

Fine.

Then you can do my homework.

Who cares when you cop kicked your jacket as you came through the door? No

one's glad, but sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new...

Life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

I'm coming!

Hi, I'm Bert Hammond.

This is my associate, Carl Putnam.

We represent the happy guys of Pittsburgh.

Helping others happily.

That's our motto.

Oh, yeah. I remember. You gave my dad that award last year. I'm his daughter,

Heather. Most likely a hormonal problem.

Anyway, my dad's not here right now. Oh, that's okay, Dublin.

Just make sure he gets this.

Sure. I'm sure he'll be very excited.

I know we are.

Bye. Bye.

So is this what you're going to wear when you take Wes out trick -or

Well, I was going to watch the dance, but I think it's a little too sweaty.

What dance?

The dance at school.

You mean the one at my school?

I go there, too, now.

Yeah, I've seen you.

So what's your problem?

Nothing. It's just the guy doesn't need his little sister tagging along when

he's trying to make some very important moves.

Oh.

You mean like last week in the cafeteria when you spilled spaghetti down Maria

Esposito's dress?

That just shows how much you know.

It was lasagna.

Hi, kid.

Hi. You got something from the happy guy. Thanks, Cheetah.

Mr. Bell, are you back from the eye doctor yet?

I haven't seen him.

Marsha, why don't you like to be married to a third -grade Yahoo?

I thought I already was, dear.

It's from the happy guys.

They want to make me an official member.

Oh, isn't that nice, honey? You know, they do such good work in the community.

Yeah, they're a good bunch of guys.

Here, initiation ceremony, Friday, October 31st, 8 o 'clock.

Weird having it on Halloween.

What did the doctor say?

He says I need reading glasses.

When are you going to get them?

After the operation.

Operation?

What operation?

I have a cataract.

Huh? The lens of my eye has clouded over and it needs to be replaced.

Yeah. Oh, it's a very simple and safe procedure.

And once it's done, I'll be able to see better than ever.

That's great.

So when do you go under the knife?

Since you put it that way, never.

Are you finished?

Almost.

Now I am.

Look, Mr. Belvedere, we're home.

Thank you, Mommy.

Hey, guys, what group's back?

Operation Gold Cake. I'm fine.

What's the patch for? See how it won't fall out?

No, Wesley, I'm the Hathaway Man.

I get it.

Mr. Belvedere has to wear that until his eye gets stronger. And right now, he's

supposed to lie down and rest. No, but I'm going to go and prepare dinner.

Hey, you're confined to bed, pal.

Anyway, I got KP tonight.

I'm making my famous chili and beans.

In that case, we'll all be lying down.

Hey, what's this?

A new costume I might wear. Like it?

Still going?

Yeah. Come on, give me a break, will ya? It's my last year of high school. Can't

you let me enjoy it? Yeah, it was my first, and I'm going. Okay, okay.

But we're gonna lay down some ground rules.

Okay. Number one, you must keep at least 50 feet away from me at all times.

Isn't that what most girls do?

Number two, don't talk to anyone I know, don't dance with anyone I know, and

don't do anything with anyone you don't know.

Hey, why don't I just stay outside in the car?

That's number three. Hey, look, I'm going to do what I want.

That's it, you're grounded. Oh, yeah?

No problem.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Oh, we weren't disturbing you, were we?

No, I just came in to fix myself some lunch.

Oh, but I was going to bring you something.

Why? Because we want you to rest.

See, I made you some nice tea and soft -boiled eggs. some tapioca pudding.

Heather, it's my eyes that are going, not my teeth.

At least not yet.

Hey, big guy, that's a no -no. Hello, George. Come on, you're going to strain

yourself. George, I'm dusting, not pumping iron.

Come on, sit down, take a load off. Fine.

You seen today's paper?

No. I could read you my column.

I've had my nap already.

Hey, you know, Belvedere, getting glasses is no big deal. No?

What I'm saying is you're lucky it was just your eyes.

I mean, it could have been something worse.

Could have been your heart.

Could have been your kidneys.

Could have been lots of stuff.

Thank you, George.

Gentlemen.

Hey, look, I got my Halloween costume.

I'm gonna be a devil.

Makes sense.

Well, Mr. Belvedere's gonna take me trick -or -treating, isn't he?

Oh, honey, maybe we should see how Mr. Belvedere feels tomorrow.

Yeah, he may not be up to it, pal.

Hey, Mom, Mr. Belvedere won't eat his lunch.

Oh, he won't? No, he won't.

Maybe somebody should talk to him.

Then again, why should they?

He's just a useless old man, marking time waiting to be carted off to the

dustbin. We never said that.

No, I did.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs.

Oh, Heather.

If it's not too much trouble.

I'll take that tapioca pudding now.

Hey, Mr. Butler.

Here.

It's getting kind of chilly out here.

You can tell your family I'm suitably covered.

You know, everyone's kind of worried about you.

Kevin, I don't want to sound rude, but I'd like to be left alone.

Hey, every time I'm brooding about something, you always barge in on me.

That's true.

So listen, if it's any consolation, I think I know what you're going through.

You do?

I mean, way back when I was seven, I had my tonsils out.

I thought it was all over.

I'd never be able to swallow again.

Time went by, and before I knew it, I was eating potato chips, pretzels.

It was like the whole thing never happened.

Good God, is that the kind of drivel I tell you?

Yeah.

Look, Kevin, it's not the eye per se.

It's what it represents.

What do you mean?

Well, it's simply that it's the first part of my body that's ever really given

out on me.

You're kidding.

Just never knew that.

But what's the difference? I mean, you got it fixed.

Certainly.

If something else goes, perhaps I can get that fixed too.

But eventually, you spring more leaks than they can plug.

Are you thinking about death?

No, I was thinking about dinner.

But thanks for bringing it up.

making my journal entry earlier than usual tonight because I'm tired and

rather old.

I suppose the big question is, now that I'm beginning to fall apart, do I want

to stay and do it in Pittsburgh?

Tibet is always nice at time of year.

I wonder if the monks are still brewing that Himalayan joy juice.

I need something to rejuvenate my spirit, if not my body.

Come in.

Hey, Mr. Belvedere. Wesley.

Mom said I could have a Halloween party tomorrow if it's okay with you.

Fine. Thanks.

I suppose I'll be here till then.

I'm ready.

Hey, you look great.

Oh, thank you. What's that?

It's the happy guy's credo.

I'm supposed to memorize it.

Let's see, a happy guy is...

faithful to his family, dedicated to his community, loyal to his country, and...

surrenders his being to the power of mighty Abaddon.

I'm having a tough time remembering that part.

Adam, come on.

Hurry up, or I'm going to leave it out there.

Hey, check out Sir Galahad.

Oh, Kevin, you look so stupid. Come on, come on, come on.

So listen, Kev, if you...

Save some fair maidens. Save a couple for me, huh?

Have a good time.

Bye.

Are they gone?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Hey, wait up.

Great party.

So you want to do something else or you bob for apples?

What are you supposed to be again?

A bureaucrat.

Everyone ready for some more candy corn?

We've already got four bowls of it.

Oh.

What happened to everyone?

They all got bored and left.

Fine. Then I'll be upstairs.

No. Come on, it'll be fun.

Oh, yes.

I'm sure it'll be lots of fun walking about in the cool night air, watching

get cavities door to door.

I knew you'd change your mind. I'll go get your coat.

Are you coming too, Metal Mouth?

Thanks.

So anyway, by the time Stargill got out of the locker, the boss had already

left.

Well, Carl.

Here's a sight that really warms my heart. What's that, Bert? A new happy

with his new happy gal. He hasn't been through the initiation ceremony yet.

Hey, speaking of which, am I going to have to do anything up there? Oh, no,

don't worry. You just have to get up, repeat a lot of mumbo -jumbo, and then

you're one of the guys.

Only hurts for a minute.

There you are. I've been looking all over for you. Oh, I'm sorry, honey, but

Carl and I had some important happy guy business.

I swear, these two spend so much time together, you'd think they were in love

something.

Wilmanink, this is George and Marsha Owen, my wife, Wilmanink. Hi. George is

going to be one of us.

Oh, that's wonderful.

And you know, dear, we ladies have a happy gal's auxiliary.

We meet one day a week.

I think I'm busy that day.

I'm afraid you'll have to excuse us now. Everybody, it's time to get ready for

the ceremony.

That's right, that's right. Why don't you two sit right here.

Just make yourself comfortable.

And things will start happening in two snaps of a rat's neck.

George, are you sure you really fit in here?

I mean... Come on, Marge, they're okay.

A little corny maybe, but I kind of get a kick out of them.

I think it's starting.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere, just one more block. One more block and we'll be in

Jersey.

This is absolutely the last time.

Boy, hardly anybody's come to the door tonight.

That's your fault.

You look like an insurance salesman.

Wesley, there's obviously no one there.

Yes, there is. These are the Jenners. They hate Halloween.

Last year, they turned the hose on me. My whole mouth almost rusted out.

Come on, we've got to trick them. Yeah.

Wesley. If we don't get treated, they get tricked.

Hey, I know. Let's soak the windows.

No, better. Let's... push their microwave dish into the pool.

Why not burn down their house and steal their women?

Wesley, we're not going to do anything except go home. Come on, let's go.

Oh, come on. At least let us TP the place.

What's that?

TP. You know, take a roll of toilet paper, throw it up into the trees and

Looks real neat. Nobody gets hurt.

Well, it's a pity we don't have any.

Mr. Belvedere.

No, Wesley.

Oh, come on, Mr.

Belvedere. What about...

Those pranks you said you did when you went to school at Eaton. Like putting

tadpoles in the headmaster's teeth.

That was different.

Yeah, it was different because you still knew how to have fun before you started

feeling sorry for yourself and turned into an old poop.

What did you call me?

An old poop.

Something wrong with your ears, too?

Give me that.

I would have preferred...

followers of Abaddon.

Hail to you, happy guy.

Behold, the Grand Master approaches to commence the reading of the sacred

incantations.

Will the owner of a 1980 Buick Electra please move your car?

It's clocking me out.

George Owens, now begins your journey across the Stygian waters, through the

lake of fire, into the cavern.

Of oblivion.

Sounds like an E -ticket to me.

George Owens, are you prepared to learn the true credo of the happy guys?

I guess so. And are you ready to swear allegiance to the Phantom Overlord? Who?

The shadow who dwells beneath the bridge, mighty Ixtapa, the original

whose greatness we now exalt.

This mumbo -jumbo stuff, this swearing allegiance to some guy under a bridge

stuff.

You guys are kidding, right?

I mean, I'm asking because my wife and I are regular, decent people.

And if any of this was for real, I wouldn't want to be a part of it.

So you guys are kidding, right?

Okay.

When it pierces his heart, the

foul thing that possesses him will be driven out. The vampire will die.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad.

You a happy guy now?

I'm afraid not, pal.

You were a little too far out for your old pop.

But you'd fit right in.

Where's Mr. Belvedere?

Oh, he's around.

What do you mean?

Where is he?

Well, last time I saw him, he was up on the janitor's roof wrapping their TV

antenna in toilet paper.

What are you talking about?

He took me and Lyle trick -or -treating, and I got mad at him and called him an

old poop, and he kind of went a little crazy.

Anyway, as soon as I heard the sirens, I got the heck... Just like Dad always

told me. Right, Dad?

Good thinking, buddy.

Come on.

Does this belong to you?

Mr. Belvedere.

Hello, Mrs. Owens. This is Officer Shelton.

And that's not a costume he's wearing.

Problem, officer?

We got a call reporting a rather large child running amok through the

neighborhood.

I found him over on Maple piling up a...

Bunch of garbage cans.

I was recreating Stonehenge.

Well, thank you for bringing him back, officer.

Yeah, we'll see to it that Dennis the Menace behaves.

Okay, folks.

Good night.

Good night.

I like the hat.

Mr. Belvedere, are you all right?

I suppose so, for someone who's been spending the last two hours behaving

moronic ten -year -old.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Belvedere. I guess this is all my fault.

Yes, it was.

And in case I forgot to say it, thank you.

I'm back.

Heather, is that you?

Uh -huh.

What are you doing in your brother's armor?

Well, it was my first real dance, and I wanted to look sexy, so I wore that

outfit you didn't want me to wear. Oh, Heather.

But when I got there, I'll...

made Kevin give me his costume.

So what's he wearing? Remember, you owe me one.

My first American Halloween is behind me now.

I've just returned from a pilgrimage around the neighborhood, apologizing for

the mischievous actions of my evil twin.

As for me, I don't know what body part may go next, but until it does, it's

to have a rosier outlook on life.

It's also nice to be able to read what one's written.

Oh, this is good.