Original subtitles

Wesley, it's still your move.

I'm still thinking.

Has it anything to do with checkers?

They have.

How do you think I look?

Groovy. You really think so?

Yeah, sure.

Gosh, I didn't know kids still used that word.

We don't. I heard it once in a documentary.

Well, Mr. Owens, joining the mob squad?

Anniversary of Mom and Dad's first date ever. You know, way back in the 60s.

Yeah, we're going back to the first place we ever went together. This little

coffee house in Altoona. And I thought it would be fun if we dressed up for the

occasion. Sounds kicky.

One word, you're fired.

Then I better go.

Well, I think you look just as handsome as you did that first night you showed

up on my father's doorstep.

He couldn't stop laughing either.

Well, I think you guys look neat.

Thank you, honey.

Sort of like the Jetsons.

Come on, George. It'll be romantic.

We'll have espresso.

Okay.

Okay. I just hope this place is dark and empty.

I've had most of Altoona's like that.

Have a boss time.

Where's Mom and Dad?

They just left.

Come on, Kim. Mom says you've got to drop me and Angela off at the movies.

Oh, fine.

Well, Wesley, it looks like it's just you and me.

Shall we finish the game?

Or would you like to surrender now?

I gotta go.

Where?

I'm counting out in Ricky Rondinello's backyard.

Oh, right.

Hey, what are you gonna do?

Oh, I don't know. Just relax.

Maybe read a book.

Another one? I think you read too much.

of time.

Baby's right.

I do read too much.

Get turned around and no one's fed.

All hands look out below.

There's a change in the status quo.

Gonna need all the help that we can get.

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Good morning, Wesley.

Are you still mad about having to pick me up last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on, Mr.

Belvedere. It wasn't my fault.

Mrs. Rondinella said we could build a campfire.

I don't think she meant in the middle of the den.

It was cold outside.

Besides, Ricky's the one who started throwing the flaming marshmallows.

Just shut up and eat.

I just assumed you'd like it that way.

Morning, everybody.

Good morning, Kevin.

How was your date last night?

It was okay.

Just okay?

While straightening up, I found these.

They were stuck between the cushions of the living room couch.

I thought perhaps they might belong to your date.

Not my date. I couldn't even get her coat off.

Oh, there they are.

Thank you, Mr. Gilder.

How was your little camp out, honey?

Great, Mom.

I never had oxygen before.

Okay, anybody want to go shop with your mom and me? We're going to Lumberama.

I'll pass.

I'll go.

Come on, Mr. Belvedere. You can come, too. We can play with the power tool.

Don't tempt me, Wesley, but Mr. Belvedere has beds to make. Have fun.

So, are you coming, Wes?

No, I think I'll just stick around here.

Up to you.

Come on, honey.

Okay, see you later.

What do you mean?

He's lonely.

I mean, we're always going places, always doing stuff.

But all Mr. Belvedere ever does is stay home by himself.

He likes being alone.

Well, I think it's finally getting to him. I mean, he still yells at me when I

do something wrong, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it as much.

Come to think of it, he does seem a little edgy lately.

So what are we going to do?

Hey, Wes, you know what I think Mr.

Belvedere really needs?

A dog?

Look what I got.

Leslie, where did you get them?

I found them at church. They were coming out of bingo.

Excuse me, are you the nurse?

Huh? The little boy promised a free blood pressure test.

I'm sorry, there's been a mistake. You all are going to have to leave.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're all going to have to go now.

But we just sat down.

Sorry, the clinic's closed.

Closed?

That's where the bomb is.

What did you do that for?

Wesley, are you nuts? You are not going to find someone for Mr. Belvedere by

dragging in old ladies off the street.

The young ones wouldn't come.

All right, tell us what we're going to do with this. I picked it up at the mall

today. What is it? It's a questionnaire from the computer dating place.

Pick your perfect mate scientifically.

to do is have Mr. Belvedere answer these questions and the computer will find

him the perfect woman.

Oh boy, let's go have him fill it out right now. Oh, Wesley, Wesley, Wesley.

We can't just ask him straight out. We gotta be sneaky.

Do you think love and commitment should precede sexual intimacy?

thing for school. Whose school? Masters and Johnson's?

I gotta go now, Mr. Belvedere. Bye.

What you doing, Wes?

Finishing up my mural for the open house at the school.

Oh.

Oh, gee.

Uh, honey, you want to come take a look at this?

What exactly is it, Wes? It looks a little grisly.

It's my history of punishment. in colonial America.

I kind of wondered why that lady was on fire.

Oh, she's a witch.

And this guy got drunk, so he's in the pillory. And he's getting dart and

feathered because he liked the English.

And she's getting dunked for fooling around while her husband was away.

Well, honey, this is all very colorful.

But I thought you said you were going to paint Betsy Ross sewing the American

flag. I did.

That's her down there with her feet chained together.

Your hands are free.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, you're still doing that?

Hey, what'd they tell you at the computer dating place? Forget it. They

they got nobody with Mr. Belvedere's interest.

You're telling me there's nobody out there who likes opera and eats corn

Hey, Wes, what about your open house?

Huh? Well, there's gonna be a lot of women there.

How's your salute to cruelty coming along?

Great. You can see it all growing up when you come to my open house at

The last time I went anywhere where people knew you, I barely got out alive.

That was just church.

This is different.

Yeah, well, anyway, here's my classroom where I do everything.

Fine. Just remember to introduce Mr. Belvedere the way he told you to.

From the fire.

Anyway, Mrs. Rondinella, this is Mr. Belvedere. He's no blood relation, is

responsible for my actions, and doesn't particularly care for me.

Okay? Thank you.

Anyway, I'll leave you two alone.

Come on, Ricky.

Well, is Mr.

Rondinella here?

He turned 40 and moved to California.

Or perhaps when he turns 50, he'll move back.

Excuse me.

Hey, what happened?

Wesley, don't ever leave me alone like that again.

But you're supposed to meet people and mingle.

Wesley, this is an open house, not a cocktail party.

Hey, let's go over there and talk to Patty Heifer's mom. I think she's giving

you the eye.

What are you talking about, Wesley?

Nothing.

Wesley, what are you up to?

I just figured it'd be nice for you to get out and meet some people.

you wouldn't be stuck home without a date on Saturday night.

Wesley, that's really very sweet of you.

But it's quite unnecessary.

Now, can we go?

Okay. I just got to get something out of my locker first. Be right back.

Don't dawdle.

What goes through a child's mind?

Compelling, isn't it?

I want to stop looking, but I can't.

Sort of like a traffic accident.

Which one is yours?

The one who did this.

Wesley! You're not his father. No, I'm sort of a temporary guardian.

His parents couldn't come.

I guess they needed the rest.

You seem to know Wesley quite well.

Hello,

Wesley.

Good evening, Mrs. Cartola.

What are you talking to her for?

She seems very nice.

She's not nice. She's my teacher.

She's always giving me a hard time.

I knew there was a reason I liked her.

Lastly, did you finish that whole carton of chocolate milk?

Of all the classrooms and all the schools and all the world, Mr. Belvedere

to walk into mine.

to meet somebody.

Mrs. Carstle is not somebody. She's my teacher.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Teachers aren't supposed to go out. It's unnatural.

Come on, kids. Let's finish clearing the table.

But that's Mr.

Belvedere's job.

Well, do you know Mr. Belvedere's getting ready for his date?

Well, I still don't understand why you and Dad are letting him go out on a

school night.

Mr.

Belvedere is a grown man.

He doesn't need our permission or our advice.

You decent?

For the time being.

Brought you a little something might help you out tonight.

Oh?

You give this to Miss Crabtree, she may keep you after school.

That's too cheap and everything.

Yeah, it's fun.

So I guess you're getting a little nervous, huh?

Not at all.

If you want, I'd be happy to give you a few pointers.

If we were going bowling, I would be happy to ask.

Fortunately, we're stuck with the opera.

Oh.

Anyway, I got one thing I know you need.

She's picking me up.

Oh? Is she paying for you, too?

They usually insist.

I'll get it.

Good evening, Wesley.

Mrs. Garzola, what are you doing here?

I'm picking up Mr. Belvedere.

Wait here. I'll get him.

Sorry, won't you please come in? Thank you.

I don't know what's gotten into Wesley.

He's usually so polite.

I'm his teacher, dear. Don't con me.

Mrs. Farsola, you remember my husband, George?

Yes, we met after Wesley's little incident at the Natural History Museum.

Hey, if I told that kid once, I told him a thousand times, don't lean against

the dinosaurs.

I want to apologize for raising my voice at our meeting. Just, I got a little

upset reliving it.

We understand.

And I'm sorry I had to slap you.

It's okay.

Hello, Isabel.

All set, Lynn. Ready when you are.

Have a nice time.

Oh, Wesley, have you shown your parents that spelling test?

No. Wesley?

Ain't no spells, no.

Wesley!

Go right upstairs, young man, and bring us back that test.

Okay. Come along, Isabel. We don't want to miss the opening hour, yeah?

Do we still have time to stop and pick up a couple of corn dogs?

There's always time for corn dogs.

This is a nightmare.

Well, thanks for walking me to the door.

It's the least I could do.

Aren't you going to invite me in? I spent a lot of money tonight.

Isabel, I've had a lovely time. Please don't ruin it.

Come on in. I'll make us both some coffee. Oh, I'd love that.

after Isabel and me.

You're taking her out again?

Mm -hmm.

We're going to a little indoor picnic at the art museum.

I'm bringing the dessert and Isabel is bringing the wine and cold chicken.

But it's your day off. We always do something together on your day off.

I know.

That's why it seems that I never have one.

Come on, Wesley.

I'll be home early this evening.

Perhaps we can do something together then.

Yeah, sure.

Don't you have an essay you should be working on?

Man, does he have to tell you everything?

You can have one if you like.

I don't want one anymore.

Don't talk to me.

I wasn't.

This is all your fault.

Bye.

Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Heather.

liking somebody else instead.

Oh?

Does my little brother have a crush on somebody?

No!

I'm talking about Mr. Belvedere and my stupid teacher.

They've been going out every day for the past two weeks.

So?

Now you can start on the erasers.

Yes, ma 'am.

I meant outside.

Cold outside.

Maybe you should have thought of that before you put the chewing gum in

Henrietta Huffnagle's hair.

I told you to get rid of it.

Ouch.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hello, Lynn.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I believe Mrs. Costello wants... Talk to me.

Hey, when I'm bad, you're supposed to call my mom, not your boyfriend.

Wesley.

Apparently, Mrs. Carsteller received a very disturbing letter.

Yes, this came today. I found it in my box in the school office.

The man who calls himself Lin Belvedere is not what you think.

He has a wife in England and about eight kids who are all looking for him.

Stop seeing him for your own good.

Sincerely, The informer.

P .S.

He's wanted in three states.

Actually, it's four.

What kind of twist is mine would write something?

Perhaps the same one that could write something like this.

Hey, that's my essay.

What are you doing with that? I haven't even turned it in yet.

I thought perhaps you'd like to read it in front of the class.

What class? There's nobody here.

We're here.

Go ahead, Wesley.

Why Helping People Stinks by Wesley T. Owens.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was a guy who couldn't get a

date on Saturday night.

So his best little friend in the entire universe fixed him up with a womanoid

from planet Bimbo.

And they fell in love and got married and moved to another solar system.

So now the little friend is all alone and drifting aimlessly through space.

All because he was a jerk and tried to do something nice. The end.

Very nice, Wesley.

Yes, it's a very imaginative story.

It's not just a story.

It isn't.

It's about us. It is.

Now, what does it take to get through to you people?

Wesley, Mr.

Belvedere and I are not getting married.

You aren't? Just because two people enjoy each other's company.

It doesn't mean they're going to rush off together to the planet Longo.

Will you guys turn along?

Wesley, of course not.

Yes, of course not.

And you're never going to leave?

Of course I am.

Huh? What I mean is it may not be tomorrow, or it may not even be next

someday, when I think you're sufficiently civilized and no longer a

society, then I'll be on my way.

Hey, Mr. Overdue. Got another hot date with Mrs. Carsola?

Your brother and sister are making me take them to the drive -in.

So you're stuck with the wagon, huh?

I don't mind.

When your brother misbehaves, I can make him sit in the back and face the wrong

way.

Come on, Marsha. We're going to be late.

You're just doing this to get back at me.

Come on, honey. It'll be fun.

All right.

All right.

Are you sure everybody's going to be wearing stuff like this? Sure they are.

Come on, we don't want to miss the first dance.

Hey, swing your lady just like Cupid. Swing her again.

Don't you look stupid?

Wesley seems to have reconciled himself.

to Isabel and me seeing each other from time to time.

In fact, he's even threatened to come along on one of our picnics.

Speaking of Isabel, she keeps suggesting we spend the weekend together in

Atlantic City.

Her treat?

I may be old -fashioned, but I think she should take me to Monte Carlo.