Original subtitles

Ah, Kevin.

Portrait of the artist as a young man?

No, portrait of a young man flunking art.

Oh.

I'm trying to do Prince Charles, but... Really?

Well, you certainly seem to have captured something of him.

Why did I take this class?

Because art is a wonderful opportunity for self -expression.

You know, I can't do this junk.

Oh, now, now, Kevin, look.

Start with the eyes.

They are the mirror of the soul. Now, look.

A little indentation here.

Another little one there.

Then some contour with a thumbnail.

And voila.

Hey, that's pretty good.

You've done this before, right? Once or twice.

But the point is that art has been every creative endeavor.

One must deal from personal experience.

Oh, yeah?

Sculpt somebody you know, somebody you have a feeling for, an attitude about.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I didn't go look around.

Thanks.

Actually, that's not so bad.

Okra. Yuck.

Got it.

Beets. Double yuck.

Sauerkraut.

Good riddance.

Flower, all purpose.

I'll

play

you a little monster. I didn't know it was open.

Let me guess.

The Pillsbury...

clothing drive at the mall.

Yeah, we're getting rid of all that junk food.

Oh, I see.

Baked beans, navy beans, pinto beans.

Doing a remake of Blazing Saddles.

For the homeless people of Pittsburgh.

Oh, and don't they deserve a balanced diet? A little variety, such as this

beef ravioli, or these slight canned peaches, or these... Chocolate

chip cookies?

Oh, come on, we like that stuff.

Come on, come on, it won't take long.

I'd love to, kid, really, but I got a lot of mail here.

Oh, but your head, your face, they look so simple.

Thanks for the compliment.

Hey, wait up.

Of course I'm happy you got the interview.

It's not just an interview, it's an interview with Peter Uberoff.

The genius behind the Olympic Games?

Commissioner of Baseball?

Times Man of the Year?

But it's Saturday.

And we hardly see each other as it is.

I know, I know.

Hey, what are you doing with my SpaghettiOs? Giving them away.

What is all this stuff?

It's for the food drive.

Oh, right.

Yeah, this is all for the homeless people of Pittsburgh.

Homeless? They can't even heat this stuff.

why don't we just unload the okra like we did last year?

Because, as Jack London stated, a bone to the dog is not charity.

Charity is a bone shared with the dog when you are just as hungry as the dog.

Dad, what Mr. Belvedere's saying is if what you give doesn't mean anything to

you, then it doesn't mean anything.

Yeah!

Well, I think it's a lovely sentiment, and I'm really happy to see you kids

getting involved.

Come on, Wes, let's get this stuff out of here. Angela's mom should be here

soon.

That's the spirit.

Hey, hey.

That's my old varsity sweater.

So?

I love this sweater.

Mr. Belvedere says we should sacrifice.

on the china never met her before who cares when you pop kicked your jacket

as you came through the door no one bled but sometimes things get turned around

and no one's fed all hands look out below

there's a change in the status quo gonna need all the help that we

can

According to our new arrival, life is more than mere survival.

We just might live the good life yet.

Come on.

Okay.

Come on.

This is the living room.

Hello, children.

Hi.

Hello.

And you are?

She's a bad lady.

Thank you, Edgar.

at least until it closes. Then she lives outside the mall. Yeah, in a cardboard

box.

Split level or colonial?

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Mom. Hi, Mom.

Oh.

I didn't know we had company.

Heather and Wesley have got a friend home from the mall.

Yeah, so I figured she'd like to come home with us.

That's okay, isn't it?

Oh, gee, honey. Well, I thought you said we should get involved.

I did.

And I... And your mother's very proud.

I am. I am.

So, she can stay?

Well, I, uh... Need.

You want to watch TV?

Would Madame care to have a seat? Make herself comfortable?

Take a load off?

Okay, give me all your nines.

How long did I have nines? I asked for everything else.

with some people.

Well, I don't care what you say. We've got a person in need here.

I think your attitude...

agency i call is closed well it is the weekend homeless people don't know from

weekends it's just another joyless day in their miserable pathetic lives

is that cauliflower no end to the suffering is there

I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Come on, baby.

Pack your bags and put on your high -heeled sneakers.

Mama and Papa are stepping out tonight.

Huh? What's going on?

That you brought. What a prince.

Room service brings us up a couple of T -bones. Then he gives me this terrific

interview. Gets a phone call. He's got a blow. Out of town.

Really?

So, guess who's got the ambassador suite at the Carlisle Hotel until checkout

time tomorrow?

Us. Yeah.

Honey, we can't. Oh.

It's got something to do with Miss America over there, doesn't it?

It's starting to rain out there. Hey, Dad.

Hey, Wes.

lives in a box.

Sounds like Jerry Mahoney.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, kitten.

Look, I'm calling a bunch of agencies trying to find you something, but it's

tough. So in the meantime, do you like meatloaf?

Hey, hey, hey.

What's going on?

She's just staying for dinner.

Your mother and I have plans tonight.

Oh, honey, we can go next weekend.

That suite goes for 750 bucks a night.

They give you little bathrobes and they put little mints on your pillow.

Mr. Belvedere, sir.

Belvedere. Belvedere.

Someone call.

Yeah, I understand we have company.

Yes. I also understand you're responsible.

I suppose so.

That really pulls my chain.

Actually, you do look a little flushed.

Let's talk.

If I'm not out in ten minutes...

Somebody call the authorities.

That isn't rinsed yet.

I don't care.

I like them dirty.

I hope you don't mind if I work while we chat.

I have dinner to prepare.

Thing is...

Yes?

This morning, when you were cleaning out our pantry and giving away our clothes,

I didn't say anything.

I could have, but I didn't. Hey, you're not hearing a word I'm saying.

Yes, I am.

Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?

Go on.

Listen. I don't like anybody putting funny stuff in my kids' heads. You mean

was encouraging the children to actually help their fellow man?

Yeah.

You're the type who prefers lip service.

I wanted room service.

What's the point, John?

It ain't fair.

I mean, we only brought you in so we could go out. Not the other way around.

What? It just ain't working out.

No, I gather it ain't.

I mean, we tried.

We gave it a shot.

But now it's time for the coach to make a little change in the lineup.

I take it I'm being cut from the family?

Mm -hmm. Uh -huh.

In the morning, you'll tell the kids.

We'll say our tearful goodbyes. And then you're out of here.

Under my own steam?

Oh, would a rail be more appropriate?

Go ahead and yuck it up. I don't mind.

I feel terrific.

Good for you.

I'm going to go out there.

I'm going to show our little lady friend the front door.

Then I'm going to grab my wife.

We're checking into the Carlisle, and this dude's putting his house in order.

Here, I think this one might fit.

Hey, that's Dad's.

So?

Nothing.

Wes, Heather, now for just one... Oh, man, she's wearing my sweater.

You hungry?

Chowing down like that, you'd be popping right out of that sweater.

Delvedere.

What?

I believe our guest of honor would like seconds on the potatoes.

At your service, madame.

Hey, Dad, maybe you can find your job on your paper.

Oh, come on, Dad, there's got to be something.

We need a drama critic.

Spud's my way.

Mr. Belvedere!

Forgive me, Mrs. Owens.

Sometimes my arthritis flares up in the rain.

Really?

Who's been playing with the thermostat?

It's all the way up.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't touch that dial.

It's 100 degrees in here.

I like it, Bobby.

So, hot enough for you?

Yeah,

me and Kevin are sweating like pigs.

Great.

So how about trading for a nice tea set you can play house?

George, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Forgive the intrusion, but is Madame Lafarge spending the night?

Oh, no.

I mean, yes.

I don't know.

George?

Sleeping a nude?

I'll prepare the guest room.

But, Mr. Belvedere. Yes?

That's your room.

Witch Hazel won't give me my sweater.

I've tried everything.

Try explosives.

Blow her out of it.

Got any on you?

Come on, you're good in these situations.

I no longer have a situation.

Look, it's my lucky sweater.

When I met Marsha, I was wearing that sweater.

When I got classified 4F, I was wearing that sweater.

My first kid.

All my kids.

I get the point, George.

Look, I just can't believe you're going to let me canning it get in the way of

our friendship.

What friendship?

Okay, forget that.

Ever heard of Robin Roberts?

Used to pitch with the Phillies. Oh, please.

Spent 14 seasons with the ball club.

Gave him the best years of his life.

And they traded him, just like that, without so much as a thank you.

And you know what?

That day, he still went out there and pitched a three -hitter.

What do you think of that?

I think you made it up.

I didn't know you followed sports.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Thanks.

Of course, you realize I'm playing under protest.

Boy, it's really coming down out there.

Yeah, great.

Okay.

TV.

Who were the Lone Ranger's faithful companions?

This is close enough, huh? Yeah, fine.

Ah, everybody seems to be having a rousing time.

My, what a lovely sweater.

You know, in India, when someone admires something of yours, it's customary to

give it to them.

So you want to play?

Go ahead. I got to go. She's talking.

You're talking?

Yeah. So?

Well, nothing. It's just that we're a little surprised. That's all. Oh.

Hey, you can't leave.

Yeah, it's raining.

It's okay.

Hey, I found you a place.

It's the old armory downtown.

It's a little crowded because of the rain, but if you hurry, they can find

cot or something.

Thanks. Hey, look. We'll drive you. You don't have to. Oh.

No, we want to. Right, honey?

Sure.

It's up to you.

Most folks go a mile out of their way to avoid me. You folks... You folks have

been pretty good.

Nice kids.

Thank you.

Well, shall we?

Yeah, I'll take that.

Come on, bad lady.

Let's get our coat.

You probably want this.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Look, tonight, you and me with the sweater and everything, I kind of, you

know... Ever stay at the Carlisle Hotel?

Ambassador's suite.

It's yours till noon tomorrow.

He's got a sense of humor.

And that somebody does.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Kevin.

What you watching?

Town Without Pity.

What's that in your hand?

Mr. Potato Head.

Great.

We're back.

Hey, gang.

Hey, Dad.

Want a mint? Molly told us she done these sweets.

She also told us her name was Molly. Pretty neat, huh? Yeah.

So I guess you saw the room, huh?

Oh, yeah.

It was real nice.

And for a lady who doesn't talk much, she sure knows how to order a room

service.

Wow, look at this. Look what Kevin did.

It's just a lump.

Son, I'm speechless.

So am I.

It's me.

It's noble. It's beautiful.

It's Mr.

Belvedere.

You did this?

I merely wanted to demonstrate to the lad what could be accomplished if one

applied oneself. Nothing more.

It's magnificent.

Just consider it a forget -me -not.

Excuse me.

Hey, Belvedere.

Look, if you're willing to forget what I said out there, I'm willing to forget

what I said out there.

Forget what? I've already forgotten.

Okay. Okay.

No hard feelings?

None whatsoever.

Hey, I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I can't turn this in. I mean, it wouldn't be fair.

Quite right, Kevin.

have settled down since the appearance of our night visitor.

Wesley and Heather are imbued with a new sense of purpose and direction.

And Kevin?

Well, even though his rendition of Gumby was somewhat less than I hoped for, the

important thing was he tried.

One note on charity in general, and George in particular.

I am reminded of the old quote by John Bunyan.

A man there was, though some did count him mad, the more he cast away...

the more he had.

I'm still here, George.