Original subtitles

Something dying here?

What's that?

It's fish and chicken.

It's not for us, is it? It's for me.

Good. I hate ethnic food.

While you're in there, would you please bring out Kevin's corsage?

He'll never wear this.

Regardless, he's very excited about his prom.

The thing is, the kid's 17.

I've taken a girl to a big dance, and I've never really sat down and had a

talk with him. You know, man to man.

Oh, don't worry. Wesley has.

I just worry about the kids sometimes. He's clumsy.

Well, his heart's in the right place.

That's not what I'm worried about.

What is that?

Oh, it's just an agreement Kevin has to sign before he goes to the prom.

He has to sign something before he goes on a date?

Mm -hmm.

And he's the good one.

I'll probably have to get something notarized.

What's the matter with this thing? Who's that?

Oh, you're putting it in wrong.

Hey, I know what I'm doing. Here, I know how to do it.

I think I'm blind.

Oh, boy, maybe now we can get a dog.

You guys got the camera ready?

Uh, yeah. How do you work this thing?

I'll show you.

Oh, look, there's Kevin.

embarrass your brother.

Oh, he's so hip!

Oh, come on. Come on, Mom. It's just a tuxedo.

Anyway, I gotta go. George, he's leaving!

Can't you just wait one sec?

Hey! Hey!

Check out Bo Brummel!

Kevin, your date's so fast.

Remember when you pin it on to do so with care and discretion.

Oh, yeah, I've been practicing on a grapefruit.

Come on, I want to get a picture.

All right. Okay.

Good.

Okay, now let's get one of you and your mom and Heather. Come on. Okay.

Ready?

Okay. Now, George, I want one with you and Kevin, and you two went without

Okay.

And now, how about one with you, Mr. Belvedere? Fine, and then after me, you

compose him with the King family.

Okay.

Thanks, Mr. Gomez.

Yeah, get going, pal. Knock them dead. I'll try. Well, see you guys later.

whoa, whoa.

Come on.

There's still one more thing.

What? This.

Are we still doing that?

Doing what?

The drinking contract.

Oh, right, right.

I, Kevin Owens, agree that in the unlikely event I become intoxicated

course of this evening, I will not drive.

Look, Mom, I'm not going to...

But I will call my parents, who in turn agree to pick me up and refrain from

discussing, analyzing, or yelling in regard to said intoxication.

That means if you get drunk, pick up a phone.

Thanks, Dad.

It's a very good idea, and it's endorsed by several major organizations. Yeah, I

know. Come on, champ.

It's for your own good.

All right.

And George?

Yeah.

Okay, now can I go?

Yeah, get out of here.

Have a nice time.

Bye, Kevin.

Actually,

Mrs. Owens, that idea of the contract is a very good one. Thank you.

It occurs to me that I've been employed here for over six months.

Odd that you've never offered me a contract.

Oh, I got a couple out on you.

on the china never mattered before who cares when you cop kicked your jacket

as you came through the door no one bled but sometimes things get turned around

and no one's fed all hands look out below

there's a change in the status quo gonna need all the help that you

can get

I take it Mr. Owens isn't back with Kevin yet? No.

I just can't believe he drank.

Look, the important thing, Mrs. Owens, is that he called.

I mean, that's the whole point of the contract, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right.

That's the point.

I'm very happy.

Hey, Mom.

Felvey.

What are you guys doing up so late?

Want to party?

Kevin, are you all right?

Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Want to dance?

Kevin. I was asking Mom. Shucks.

Is he at it again?

This kid really hung one on. Yeah, I can see that.

Thanks for the dance, Toots.

No, no, you can't get mad.

It says throw in the contract.

So, ha, ha, ha.

My mom wrote me a contract.

She's going to be a lawyer.

Would you like some coffee, Kevin?

Or perhaps a mint?

Boy, he's going to have a beaut in the morning.

Come on, Dino.

Hey, anybody see my date?

She's about this tall.

She's got a pimple right here.

Wow, look at Kevin. He's drunk.

What are you two doing up?

Boy, Kevin, you look terrible.

Yeah, you barfed yet?

West. Come on, kids, back to bed.

Go.

Come on, Tiger. Time to hit the shower. All right, all right, all right, all

right, all right.

Good night, everybody.

Good night. You too, Mr. Belvedere. Hold it. Good night, Kevin.

Hang a left.

All right. I live here. I should know that.

Get out again.

What are you doing?

Pouring you some cereal. I don't want any.

Eat it. It's good for you.

Wes, I hope you intend to finish all of that.

No, I'm looking for the free whistle.

Come on, Wes.

It's got to be in here.

No, it doesn't.

I already got it.

Where is it?

I broke it.

Hey, Kev.

Well, he's alive.

Do you remember anything about last night?

Not a whole lot.

You said you'd give me ten dollars.

So, uh,

how you feeling, sport?

Oh, I'm fine.

Fine. Well, how about... out some scrambled eggs and sausage?

Uh, gee, I don't know. I think I might just look on for mine.

Still feeling a little ping, huh, Kev?

Yeah. Well, just take a seat, and I'll make you some toast.

Black.

So, you guys gonna yell at Kevin now?

Children, don't we have something to do?

I think that's a yes.

So, what happened?

Somebody spiked the punch?

No.

What did happen?

Some people brought over some champagne, so I tried it.

Didn't seem that great at first, but I wanted to be sure.

But by the time I was sure, I forgot what I wanted to be sure about.

I figured that's what happened.

Look, honey, we're obviously very disappointed that you decided to drink.

But we're glad you called, and we're glad you're home in one piece.

Yeah, we're proud of you, pal.

I mean, proud in a very disappointed sort of way.

Thanks.

So what are your plans for the day?

I didn't think I'd be allowed to have any.

Look, we made a deal. You kept your part, and that's that.

You mean I'm not grounded?

No.

Well, me and a couple of the guys were thinking of going to the movies this

afternoon. Sure.

Have a good time.

Really? Boy, you guys are great.

Incidentally, a Kimberly called.

I believe she was your date last night.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

What'd she say?

Regarding the gown, it'll be $15 to remove the stain and $20 to repair the

where you ripped it.

I tried real hard to get it off.

The stain, not the dress.

Hey, kid, what you watching?

Dance Fever.

Oh. Hey, isn't that Henry Kissinger?

Yeah, he's one of the judges.

Moves pretty good.

Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes, Mrs. Owens. Is Kevin back from the movies

yet? I don't believe them.

Hi, Leslie.

Hey, Mom, just keep going. Everything's fine.

Mr. Belvedere? Yes, Leslie.

Here, I wrote this. What is it? A contract.

Oh?

I, Wesley T. Owens, know that I'm not supposed to play with my slingshot.

around Mr. Belvedere's tulip pots.

But if I do and break one, even though I was really aiming for a tree, I agree

not to lie about it, and Mr. Belvedere agrees not to get mad or scream or hit

me.

See, I signed it.

I didn't.

Owen's residence.

What?

Enunciate, boy, enunciate.

Yes, yes, just stay where you are. I want somebody to be right there to get

Goodbye.

Was that Kevin?

Yes.

I believe it's your turn to pick him up.

Get your rear end in there, buster.

Hey! What happened to I'm proud of you, Kevin? Just fucking your lip.

Is he all right? Yeah.

We just found him in the parking lot, sitting in the car with a bottle of

something. It wasn't something.

It happened to be a very expensive bottle of really cheap wine.

Imported or domestic?

Neither.

Apparently, he and his friends were making jackasses of themselves in the

theater and got themselves thrown out. Oh, they just got mad because we were

funnier than the movie.

I think it was the sorrow and the pity.

I didn't want to get like this.

It's just, I was with my friend, and it seemed like something to do.

Well, you're through doing anything.

Hey, you can't get mad at me. We got a contract.

Yeah, a contract not to drive drunk. But it's not a license to drink.

Anyway, it's finished, Kevin. It's over.

You're upset, aren't you?

No. I found my mom.

I mean, that's the worst thing a guy can do.

She's been working so hard.

I'm no good.

I'm no good.

That's not true, Kevin. Can I go back out? All right.

That's it, wise guy.

Upstairs. But I'm fine.

Get going.

You know something?

You guys were more fun the last time. Get up there.

Is he asleep?

No, but I... I don't think he's awake either.

Well, what do you think we should do?

Who's there?

Who do you guys want?

Oh, come on.

It's okay, Kevin. We're here to help you. We made you some coffee.

Here, drink this.

No. Then as soon as you're better, you can go back downstairs, tell Mom and Dad

you weren't really drunk, and you're just fooling around.

Yeah, and then you won't be in trouble anymore.

Yeah, that's real nice, guys. Now go away. Come on, Kevin. Kevin, we're not

doing this for you.

Yeah, we're worried about us. What?

Mom and Dad are so mad at you, now they're picking on me and Heather.

All of a sudden, Mom says I can't go to the mall. I have to stay home and do

something constructive.

And I can't watch TV. I gotta read a book.

If we're not careful, pretty soon we'll be having family nights at home singing

hymns or something.

And it'll all be your fault.

All right.

All right.

Hey, what's floating in here?

Marshmallows? Honey, we just don't understand what's going on.

I just had a couple drinks.

You knocked off a gallon of muscatel.

And you weren't even sober from the night before.

Kevin, all of this, it's just not like you.

Look, champ, if you don't tell us what's bugging you, we can't help.

Nothing's wrong.

I mean, what is it?

Female trouble?

I mean, you know, trouble with girls.

Look, what's the big deal? I got drunk, you got mad, and now I'm grounded,

right? That's for damn sure.

That's it?

That's all you have to say?

Yeah, listen, I'm late for school. Yo, this discussion is not over, young man.

Fine. And it's straight to school and straight home and straight to your room

and studying.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, Kevin, what's your last book read?

I don't know, why?

I'm gonna send you in for a doer's profile.

I gotta go, Steve.

Can I use that for your quote?

Wesley, what are you doing?

Well, I just figured if Kevin got in this ad, he'd be famous and Mom and Dad

wouldn't be mad at him anymore.

Wesley, the people in those ads are not teenagers.

They are mature adults who simply have one or two drinks on special occasions.

Hey, these people are drinking and playing volleyball.

What's so mature about that?

Wesley, you know Mr. Belvedere doesn't like it when you're right.

Well, did you have a nice talk with Kevin?

We tried.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

Well, I'm sure everything will turn out all right.

Why, you know something? No.

Come on, they're always telling you stuff.

That's true.

But this time I'm afraid I'm as...

ignorant as you usually are.

The question is, what are we going to do?

How about we just lock him up in his room for the next couple of years or so?

Hmm. Perhaps we can find him an iron mask.

All right, all right.

Anyway, I know one thing. He doesn't touch another drop, at least while he's

under my roof.

I think we ought to check his room.

It's not necessary, George.

I mean, it is his room, and we'd be violating his privacy, and I already did

Then let's just get rid of all the liquor in this house.

Give it to the Salvation Army or something.

Even if they take it, which I doubt, I'm not convinced that simply removing the

temptation will solve your problem.

Maybe we won't, but at least if the booze isn't around, he can't drink it,

right? That's true.

So just get rid of it, okay? Yes, sir.

I'll do something with it.

What are you doing?

Last call for alcohol.

Is this supposed to be funny, Mr. Belvedere? Not at all.

It's just that since you've decided to take up drinking, I think you should

learn to do it properly.

Not in that lovingly American way.

Now, what's your pleasure? I'm not thirsty.

Oh, come, come, Kevin. The truly dedicated drinker never says no.

Anyway, you said you liked the taste of it. I do.

Ah, well then, let me prepare you...

A little something that my auntie used to whip up on the grey days.

It's called the Yorkshire Ripper.

You take a jigger of gin.

That's it.

A dash of Tabasco.

And a mouldy onion.

Take the edge off it.

I don't want any, okay?

But you wanted it yesterday.

That was different. I was with my friend. Oh, a social drinker. Well,

one together.

Look, Mr. Belvedere, I know you're trying to do something for me. I don't

what, but just leave me alone, all right?

Oh, fine with me.

What are you doing with your plaques and things?

I'm going to get rid of them.

It's just a bunch of junk.

Well, I won't have to dust them.

You never told me you were an eagle, Scott.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Trustworthy, loyal, obedient, boring, and dull.

Oh, but I bet after a couple of drinks, you were the life of the prom.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was.

I mean, Mr. Belvedere, I was dancing with girls I wouldn't even talk to

I was loose and funny.

And even witty and charming.

Yes. I remember thinking as I was cleaning the Salisbury steak off your

what a witty and charming lad you are.

Look, it just gives me a little courage, all right?

Kevin, you were going to the prom, not the Russian front.

See, there's this girl, Donna, and I really like her, but she usually goes

with the football team.

One at a time.

But the other night, I don't know, I was talking with her and we danced

together.

And she liked me.

Yes, Kevin, she liked you.

Not your drinking. But what's the difference? If I wasn't drunk, I

couldn't have talked to her in the first place. Oh, Kevin, that's ridiculous.

Courage does not come in a bottle.

Go on, call her up.

What? Call her up and ask her out. No, I can't. Oh, go on. I don't want to. I

can't. Well, perhaps it's for the best.

She was probably only being polite.

Didn't want to hurt your silly, drunken little feelings.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Okay.

Yep, in.

Hello, is this Donna?

Hi, this is Kevin.

So, listen, uh... Can you go out tonight?

You can?

Oh, well, I can. I'm grounded.

Perhaps another time. Bye.

Kevin, that was delightfully linear.

Hi. Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Owens.

You're home.

Yeah, Wesley tells us you're up here serving drinks to Kevin. I tried to, but

seems to have lost his taste for it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Mom, Dad, I'm really sorry.

I'm okay now. I guess I was just...

Acting a little more stupid than usual.

Kevin, what were you thinking?

I don't know. I just thought people liked me more when I was drunk.

We sure didn't.

Now that I think about it, neither do I.

Come on, Kev. Let's go downstairs.

Okay. George?

In a second.

You'd have figured it out for yourself.

I doubt it.

I mean, I go around banging my head against the wall trying to figure out

going on in my own kid's mind.

I can't do a thing.

But every time I turn my back for a minute, you're up here, butting in,

the problem for me.

George, what exactly are you trying to say?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Ha ha, Wesley, go to jail.

But Jim!

Oh, it's not so bad, Wesley. You get to visit your father.

Yeah, well, I'm getting out right now.

All right.

Four. One, two, three.

Ah, George, you've landed on one of my many properties.

How much, Belvedere?

Four houses, that's $750.

I don't have it.

Mortgage something.

How about your room?

You're going off the board again.

You know, Kevin's supposed to be home from that party by 11.

It's only 10 .30.

I know, but this is the first time he's been out since everything happened. Come

on, Kevin's gonna be all right. Right, Belvedere? I'm waiting.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, uh, you're not drunk, are you?

No, I'm not.

Good.

So how was the party?

It was okay.

So how was this Donna?

Uh, she left a little early.

Why? Well, I guess Mr. Belvedere was right. You don't need alcohol.

You can spill stuff and fall in the pool. Just be in yourself.

Good night.

Life is settling down again in the Owens household.

Kevin's days of wine and roses seem to have passed.

Meanwhile, George still refuses to pay his monopoly debt.

I'm considering legal action.

Which reminds me.

Maybe I should draw up a contract between myself and the Owens family.

I agree to provide cooking, cleaning, childcare, and psychiatric services.

And they agree to provide me with a constant supply of mishaps, diversions,

foibles, and follies.

I should be paying them.