Original subtitles

LOST BEAR IF FOUND PLEASE CALL... FOR REWARD

THE LOST BEAR

Alex!

Where have you been?

I was stuck in the lingerie store. There was a hot saleswoman...

You can't even be on time for hot chicks!

I know, I know. So, what we got?

São Paulo-Paris, arrival at 9:15 a.m. Vanessa and Sarah!

OK. Are you mad at me?

'Course I am! I'm sick of watching YouPorn!

There they are!

Hi there! Welcome to Paris!

So... an Americano for Sarah.

How did you know that?

Ah, we have our ways, ma'am!

And for you, Vanessa...

-A nice hot chocolate. -Tada!

-Wow, thank you. -Our pleasure.

-Cheers, then! -Cheers!

-Sure. -Cheers.

-Not too exhausted from the flight? -A bit.

Jet lag, am I right?

Yeah, a bit. You know what that's like!

-Oh man, do we! -We jetlag a lot.

Tokyo, New York...

-We straddle several places. -Round the World trips.

I'm in the oil business, myself.

-I'm being serious. -Sure.

Anyway, Sofiane and I were wondering

if you had any plans tomorrow night.

-No plans. -Great!

Neither do we!

Perhaps we could all go out for a drink.

-Sure, why not? -Or two!

-Let's start with one. -Yeah. Sure.

Let me write down your numbers.

Let's do this.

Go ahead...

-OK... See you tomorrow then! -See you tomorrow.

-Bye! -Goodbye!

I love you.

Funny guys!

Tomorrow night is date night!

You got to stop saying "I love you."

It freaks them out.

But I really do.

-Yeah, right! -What's up, luggage boys?

Good morning to you, too Fékir.

What is your secret to getting girl's numbers?

Secret? There is no secret.

Even if there was, why would we tell you?

Otherwise I will take this guy and knock your lights out.

Right. Excellent point.

OK, here's the deal.

The hottest stewardesses are the ones here in Roissy, right?

So, every lunchbreak the past few months,

I've been coming to the Starbucks here.

Why?

That's where the stewardesses get their drinks.

And when they do, I write it all down.

"Americano for Sarah, Hot chocolate for Vanessa!"

-You see? -Why?

So I can write down all the names and drink orders.

-In this little notebook. -Yeah.

And after, I follow them to see what flight they get on.

Right.

Why?

Well, for example...

The stewardesses you just saw were already in the notebook.

The São-Paolo Paris flight.

And then all Alex and I had to do

was wait for them at Arrivals with their favorite drink

-and a dashing smile. -Tada!

Now, do you get it?

-Yeah. You are a genius. -Give me some!

-Give me that book! -Whoa, slow down!

-Give me the book! -Give him the book!

-Give him the book. -Listen to your girlfriend.

He will give it to you, no worries!

The thing is, this notebook...

It actually belonged to...

Ah! My face!

Excuse me, coming through!

I'm going to get you, Sofiane!

You are insane!

GO

Yikes. Welcome to Ugly Airlines!

This place is a nightmare.

What's this? "Lost Bear. If found, please call... for reward."

It's a scam, dude.

If the guy was willing to drag his ass down here, he must be loaded.

Mr. Mayor... The new access to the ice skating rink

would allow us to ease congestion on Félix-Faure Boulevard.

-Have you thought of a name, Michel? -The committee discussed it.

We are thinking either "The De Gaulle side road."

Classic. Or something more bold in line with the rink itself.

"The Philippe Candeloro side road."

I like that! Original.

We have plenty of De Gaulle's.

It will put Poissy on the map.

But it doesn't deliver the same message.

With De Gaulle, you have a hero of World War Two.

But with the other, you have a man in a leotard and tights.

Anyway.

Come on man, that is not even close!

There has be something in this damn pile.

Come on...

Look, I found Fékir!

"Why? Why?"

Dude, focus! Think of the money!

Stop messing about.

OK, OK. That's enough.

Gotcha!

-Got him. -What is that?

Look. It is the spitting image!

-Are you kidding me? -What!

It is not even the same color!

So? Take off the hat and jacket and it is perfect!

-He just needs a quick makeover. -You are a moron, Sofiane.

-We will take this one. -Hi there, sweetheart.

You pay.

-Why me? -Cause my account has been frozen.

Yeah, right...

-How much, sweetheart? -Twenty-five.

Euros?

This is a shit plan.

He probably already found the bear!

Do you want it, or not?

Give us a second, Nadia, this is an important purchase!

OK, fine. I will call the guy.

I'm calling him.

-Excuse me, Mr. Mayor. -Of course.

-I will be right back. -Please.

Michel Barré speaking.

Good morning, sir. I'm calling about the flyer.

We found your lost bear.

Already? I just posted the flyer this morning!

Ah, here at Roissy, we are professionals.

Yeah!

That's fantastic news! Thank you so much!

How soon can you get here?

An hour and a half if I take the next train.

Great. I will meet you at Terminal 3, by Departures.

Ask for the Jungle. Everyone knows it.

The Jungle?

On the left by the entrance.

There are a few chairs with a couple of small trees.

No problem.

Before we go any further, could you send me a picture of the bear?

Oh no, sorry. My phone is broken,

it doesn't take pictures.

Ah, I see.

But you are sure it is the right one?

Sir, I have been working at this airport for 5 years.

I have dealt with plenty of lost bears!

But if you don't believe me,

I will just put the bear back where I found it.

No, no there is no need for that.

That is wonderful news, really.

Now, about the reward. How much are we talking?

How much?

I think 100 euros should cover it.

Oh, I thought it was 150.

I think 100 euros is plenty.

150 to round it up.

150 isn't a round number. 100 is.

Not at Roissy, sir.

Alright. I haven't got all day. 150 it is.

Very good. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

There you go! 150 euros! Told you I would deliver!

You are a genius!

OK, get off me!

We will take it, sweetheart.

Please stop calling me that...

Come on, Nadia.

You are despicable, Sofiane.

Don't you care about his poor kid? You ought to be ashamed!

Who cares? The kid will be fine! Chill!

Hey, if you are into kids,

I'm ready when you are.

Get lost, Alex.

-Give us a kiss. -Go on, Nadia.

Give him a kiss.

-Be nice. -Forget it, losers.

You are just jealous because we have ambition.

At least I have a full-time contract!

Now we need to rough Winnie the Pooh up a bit.

Forget it, man. I start work in two minutes.

-So do I! -Yeah, but I paid for the bear.

The guy pays 20 euros and suddenly, he is Rockefeller.

-25! -Whatever! Asshole.

Over here.

-The jungle... -Hello, there.

Thank you for finding my daughter's bear!

We here at Roissy we always go that extra mile...

This isn't the bear!

Yes, it is.

You are just overcome with emotion.

You brought me here for nothing!

No, I swear. This is the right one.

It is a miracle, look!

LOST BEAR

They look kind of similar...

That has got to be the right one.

Do you have a problem with light-furred bears?

-I don't believe this! -No, wait...

Just take it. Your daughter won't even notice.

Clearly, you don't have children.

-What do you mean? -Right.

No, wait. Please... When did you lose the bear?

Last week, when we came off the plane.

Look, I might be able to help you find it. If...

we can come to some sort of arrangement.

First you let me believe you found the bear,

and now you are trying to bleed me dry?

No, that's not what I meant. Look...

I know everyone here.

I have access to all the services.

Sofiane.

Michel.

You won't get a dime until the bear is in my hands. Got it?

Got it. Follow me.

Oh my god, what does she want now?

My ex.

Yes, who is this?

It is Léa. You are a hard man to get hold of.

The burden of being so popular.

Spare me your bullshit Sofiane. I'm in a hurry.

A hurry to see me?

-God, no. -Then why are you calling?

I moved out of the apartment.

If you want your stuff back,

go see the caretaker, or it is going in the trash.

Thanks for the heads-up.

Like the heads-up you gave me when you split?

Leaving me on the doorstep like some chump.

"I'm not ready to commit. We should take a break."

That's not exactly what I said.

That's exactly what you said. Anyway, forget it.

I have other priorities now.

-Is there someone else? -None of your business.

The hell it isn't! Is there someone else?

Yes.

Since when?

Four months.

Jesus, Léa, we only broke up five months ago!

Who is he?

Why "he"? It could be a girl.

Ha ha, very funny. Who is it?

I told you, it is none of your business.

I bet it is that guy from Home Depot...

Trying to charm you with his coupons...

You don't get it...

We are over. I can do what I want. Got it?

-I'm leaving Paris. -Where are you going?

I'm going home.

Where is that?

Are you kidding me?

How am I supposed to know where you live?

Asshole.

Bitch.

Problem?

Nope, just her begging me to come back.

If you say so.

PARIS AIRPORTS

Here we are. This is Thierry's office.

Thierry is the dog handler for Terminal 3, a real pro.

SECURITY DOG HANDLER

Your pro sounds fast asleep.

OK. Wait here.

Thierry...

-Not today, Bin Laden! -No!

You better start talking!

It is me, Sofiane!

I said it is Sofiane!

Who?

-The luggage handler! -Shit, Sofiane.

You got to be careful!

-Sorry about all that. -Sorry, sorry.

Were you asleep?

No, I never sleep. Only amateurs sleep.

Lucky I recognized you,

otherwise things could have gotten ugly.

Understand?

-Yep, totally. -You need to watch yourself.

-OK. -What can I do for you?

Well, I have this friend...

A friend called Michel.

He has lost his kid's teddy bear.

And I need your help to find it.

All right.

He is right outside.

-OK, let's go. -OK.

-Watch it. -Right this way.

Yeah.

SECURITY

OK. Let's go.

Since you are Sofiane's friend, I'm going to help you find the bear.

Oh no, we are not friends. But thank you for your help.

I get it. I have a comfort object, too.

Helps me sleep like a baby.

Right!

What we need for a mission like this is Binouze, the nose.

She is my girl.

She is wiped out. We watched 101 Dalmatians last night.

Don't you worry about it. Her breed

were bred as trackers.

Her father was called GPS.

That's her uncle, Governor. And her aunt, Gadget.

-You are fond of the letter G. -What makes you say that?

-I mean... -Right. Let's hop to it.

Come on, girl.

I always go first.

-Civilians... -Tell me about it...

Go on, doggie!

Go get it, girl!

Right Binouze, it is mission time!

Time for a warm up. Sit!

Lie down!

Stand. Good dog.

Capital of Morocco?

Marrakesh. That's right. Good girl!

Do you have an object belonging to your daughter?

I didn't think I would need one. Wait, hang on!

Her scrunchie. Will that do?

Yeah... What is this? What is this, girl?

This is a dealer's scrunchie. Go on, go get her!

Go, Binouze! Go on, girl!

Get it, Binouze!

Look at that!

That's my girl!

Good girl!

Please don't do that...

-Let me handle it! -Right, yes.

-Sorry. -Let's go.

Come on, Binouze!

Look at her go!

The other day, she found 200 grams of cocaine in a Mexican's shorts.

He was all like: "It wasn't me!"

-Remember that? -Yeah, course.

I had him for ten minutes before narcotics arrived.

Speedy Gonzalez won't forget me anytime soon!

I got him good!

Who is that? Who is my good girl!

Here comes my good girl!

Look. She even brought you a bag to carry it in.

Here.

Who is my good girl!

-I think your dog might be hungry. -She never eats on duty...

Right... OK. Back to it, Binouze! Here.

Maybe she is a bit peckish.

Well, that was a bust.

Right. Thank you for your help.

I shall find the bear myself. Good day, sir.

Hey! Wait up!

Don't go yet. We are not done.

What? Another brilliant idea?

Oh yeah. From up above.

You have to tell me if you are hungry, Binouze.

You have to communicate with Daddy.

That's my sandwich! Your dumb mutt stole it!

Don't you talk to my girl that way!

Girl? Look at the size of its balls!

Get him!

Apologize, you bastard!

I handle over 40 cameras in this whole Terminal.

If your bear is around here, we will find it.

Anti-terrorist plan. Nothing gets past him.

-I have eyes everywhere. -OK.

Shift switching time.

Check out the jugs on her...

You are a lucky guy.

You don't get tits like that this time of year.

I bet they are filled with almond milk.

Wow...

Are you quite finished!

You need to learn to relax, sir.

This is how you keep our country safe?

Here's the flight number, the time, and the day we landed.

-I didn't come here to mess around. -And neither did we, sir.

OK.

Aha. Here we go. Tuesday the 12th.

OK, here we go... Where are you?

Big bald guy, big bald guy...

-Excuse me? -Wait, go back.

-What? -Go back.

Go back.

Zoom.

Whoa... Hottie at twelve o clock.

-Damn! -That's my wife.

What?

-That's his wife. -No way!

Oh wait... Guess it is.

-You make a lovely couple. -Well...

-At least we found you. -Sure... Keep looking.

Wait! There it is!

Look at that, we found the bear. Good job, Alex.

So, this is the Arrivals gate.

Is that you, Alex?

Damn, so it is.

I look quite good on camera.

What the hell? You had the teddy bear!

-What did you do with it? -I don't know.

Oh no!

Why didn't you just take it to Lost and Found?

I didn't know there was a reward!

That is my daughter's bear!

That is messed up!

Yes, yes it is. But he is going to find your bear.

-Aren't you? -Yes, absolutely.

Then do it.

-Hurry up! -I can't go any faster!

That was the next flight, from Rome.

There it is.

-Wait, what is she doing? -I don't know.

No Grandma... Put it down.

Oh no...

No, no...

Put the bear down... No!

OK. We are screwed.

Nice going, Alex.

I'm out of here.

Wait! We might still have a chance.

We know the flight details and that it was a group of old folk.

So?

Well, the speed they go, they might still be here!

Yes, hello. This is Alex Costa

from T3 PC security at Roissy.

Yes. Wait, Tony?

Hi, dude! How are you?

Good, good, can't complain.

I thought you were off sick?

Yeah, I had a question

about a potential suspect in a group of seniors.

Flight 1453 from Rome, Tuesday 12th.

-The retirement home address. -Great. Thanks.

One more thing:

-Granny's cane there... -Yes?

It has an ivory duck head on it.

You are welcome.

They don't call us "The Roissy Pros" for nothing!

Thanks, boys. Drinks are on me. Good day.

How much did he give us?

Is he serious? Hey! Sir.

Ten of those are mine!

Yeah, right.

CHECK-IN

-Can I have my money now? -Do you have my bear?

You don't need me. You got the address for the retirement home.

You will have the bear back in a few hours.

No, I don't need you. I don't have "sucker" taped to my forehead!

It is not like you don't have room!

-What did you say? -Nothing...

It is just the hair...

Listen, I have a scooter. I can drop you off.

Then I get my money.

It is the Friday rush.

The shuttle won't be here for another half hour at least!

-What do you say? -Fine.

Yes! Let me go get changed.

Why don't you listen to some music while you wait?

What?

His name is Michel. His daughter's bear is missing.

-OK. -Don't move!

Right, here we go!

Oh, Michel You lost your daughter's bear

At Terminal 3

Full of paper planes

I hope you and the bear Are reunited soon

Under a blue moon

Someday

Thank you. Very nice.

I... I don't have any change.

So? What do you think?

Lovely.

We signed him up for The Voice. We are waiting to hear back.

Give me the keys.

-Why? -I would feel safer if I drove.

I'm not getting on the back. I'm a man!

We are in the wrong lane! They are coming in from all sides!

-There. -Uh oh. It is a millimeter over.

Better watch out...

If everyone did what I did,

there would be less parking issues in Paris.

Are you a cop?

No, head of the highways department in Poissy.

Oh cool, me too. I'm the head of the luggage carts at Roissy.

That is not the same job.

Sure it is. I'm head of something, and so are you.

-That's not the same. -Yes it is.

No it isn't.

Look, unless you are a member of the family,

I can't let you in, sir. It is against regulations.

Let me try.

Good morning, ma'am. My name is Sofiane.

I am in charge of the luggage carts at Roissy.

Full-time contract.

Are you visiting family?

That is correct, ma'am.

My uncle lives here.

What is his name?

Er... Pistachio! Georges-Alain Pistachio.

Hello?

"Pistachio"?

Well at least I'm trying, Michel!

The only way I get my money is if we get in, right?

Got it in one.

Man, you really love this bear!

Do you know what a cuddly toy is?

Sure. A fluffy thing that smells bad.

No! It is more than that.

It is a transitional object that allows a child

in emotional distress to feel safe.

Did you steal that off Wikipedia?

My daughter cannot sleep without her bear!

Understand?

-All right! No need to yell. -Excuse me, gentlemen.

Sir... Excuse me. Do you live here?

Of course I do.

Excuse me. We need to speak to a group of elderly people inside.

They just got back from Rome. But they won't let me in.

Fine, carry this for me, then.

Come on then...

Thank you, sir. Please, let me.

"Pistachio"...

Goodness, this is a cushy retirement home.

You will fit in nicely, Michel.

They are with me. Family.

Well, in that case, they can go in.

Otherwise they can't. It is against regulations.

My luggage carts go faster than this!

Have some respect.

Someone is getting antsy about retiring...

One...

Oh look, a new guy.

Sorry, Michel.

And two!

The dapper Francis. Pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

Michel, hello.

You seem more chipper.

He just crushed my hand.

What pills are you on, grandpa?

It is for the money, dumbass.

I play up the frail old man role to get my disability allowance.

-Clever... -Damn straight.

I am looking for my daughter's bear.

I see...

Well first, make yourselves useful

-and set up my Internet access. -Right now?

-Yes, right now. -Sure. OK.

My daughter's bear...

-Yes, yes I heard you. -Right...

The box is set up...

What is taking so long?

Almost there, gramps. How come you don't have Wi-Fi?

I do. But there are parental controls.

-At our age, ridiculous! -What website are you looking for?

What do you think, Einstein?

What would an old, widowed man be interested in watching?

Dirty Grandpa.

That's not my usual taste.

I prefer the one on the left...

Look at the jugs on the redhead...

I love a redhead.

Right, can we get back to finding my daughter's bear?

Calm down! Have you never watched porn online?

No, thank you. I am in love with my wife.

Biggest load of crap I ever heard!

Right. The bear...

My laptop...

A group came back from Rome a week ago.

With the vicar? I know the guy.

Good...

They are all mad as hatters.

I'm looking for an elderly lady with a cane

topped with a duck's head made from ivory. Ring a bell?

A duck's head, you say?

Yes, I know the lady.

Please... I need that bear back.

What?

My mind is not as good as it was.

Christ, everyone is trying to bleed me dry today!

Thank you, Doctor.

-You are a genius. -Internet costs a bundle.

-Well? Stop it, Sofiane. -Sorry.

Marie-Luce Gramont.

This time of day, she must be at the Grévin museum.

Mrs. Gramont.

You found my daughter's bear when you arrived at Roissy last week.

A brown bear with dark fur.

Do you remember?

Yes, I remember.

-Do you have it here? -Yes, I do.

-You do? -Of course I do.

Happy Birthday, Simone.

I forgot to tell you she is a bit loopy.

Yes, I gathered that.

Oh, "bouglou"!

Seventy points to me!

-Yep. Mad as a hatter. -Away with the fairies.

Is she always like this?

She perks up a bit when she sings, don't you, granny?

Is she German?

No, just a sympathizer.

That one was for you, dear General Von Gruber.

Long live the Third Reich!

And thanks for the apartment.

And here is something to remember me by!

What am I doing up here?

It isn't suppertime.

-Now is your chance. -Mrs. Gramont...

Where is the bear you found at Roissy?

I gave it to my granddaughter.

-This bear? -Yes.

The granddaughter's name is Marie-Christine Gramont.

This is her parent's number.

-Great. Thank you so much. -Thank you.

You have been a great help.

Goodbye.

Bye, gramps.

-Take care. -Thanks again.

-Hey! -Yeah?

Will you come back and visit?

Of course we will.

Goodbye, dapper Francis.

I will go get the scooter.

OK. Why are you whispering?

I will go get the scooter!

Hello? Sir, this is Michel Barré.

I'm calling about your mother, Marie-Luce Gramont.

I am calling from the retirement home.

Darling.

Mother has died.

-No... -Yes.

No, no wait... Sir? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Can you hear me?

Sir, your mother is not dead!

What do you mean she is not dead?

No, she is alive and well.

But...

Are you sure? Have you checked her pulse?

I am sure, sir. Don't worry.

The old crone is still alive.

No...

Dear God.

I can't do this.

Right... How can I help you?

-I'm OK. -You didn't hit your head?

-No, I'm fine. -You scared the life out of me!

Now, you see why I wanted to drive!

Blame your colleagues.

There is a whole bunch of crap all over the road...

That is not my department. I work in Poissy, not Paris.

Never mind. I got the number for the Gramont girl.

-I know where to find her. -Great.

-You need to top up on gas. -You mean "we do," Michel.

The both of us.

-You got enough to pay? -Yeah.

Can I get some chips, too?

Sure.

Are you pointing that at me?

Hey! Stop that. It is very impolite.

Stop it!

That is a very rude thing to do!

Fuck you!

Fuck me? Fuck you, you little jerk!

Fuck you!

Why you... Open this door and say that to my face!

Hey! Quit messing around, you little punk!

Get away from there, you sicko!

Oh god, my eyes!

I told you, he started it!

Sure.

You just got owned by an eight-year-old, Michel.

Don't worry. We will get him later.

How are my eyes?

-Fine, fine. -Dear god...

Hello.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Look at all the hot chicks! I knew I should have gone to college.

Is that marble?

Where is the enrollment office?

History. Descartes Auditorium.

Another pointless class.

Oh no, History is extremely useful.

Who cares about the past? The future is where it is at.

They should do classes about that!

Magnificent.

...in August 1539, when Francis I

naturally decreed the famous ruling of Villers-Cotterêts.

Fun fact.

This text is the oldest legislative text

in effect today.

This text...

-How long left? -Two hours.

The French...

Wait, where are you going? Sofiane!

-...but the French... -Hi.

Hello, everyone.

So, Francis I invented this text. Everyone got that?

Is Marie-Christine Gramont here today?

We wish to speak to her...

Oh shit, they are cops!

They are cops!

No, we are not!

Get out of here, pigs!

The text...

Come back!

The cops!

We are not with the police!

The cops are here!

The cops are here!

The cops are here!

The cops are here!

The cops are here!

-The cops are here! -Quiet!

I'm not with the police!

The cops are here!

Excuse me, young man. Have you seen a girl run by?

-I'm no snitch! -I know where she is.

She went through that door.

Great. Thank you.

Anything for my future colleagues.

I'm sitting the police academy exam soon.

-Bravo. -Can you put in a good word?

Sure! Ask for Michel Barré, 12th arrondissement.

-Yes, sir! -Why did you say that?

Can I help you cuff her?

Hey! What are you doing?

Stay back, or I will jump!

Please, go ahead! We are exhausted.

Don't say that!

Marie-Christine, we just want a word.

No.

Listen, there has been a mistake. We are not with the police.

My name is Michel Barré.

Sounds like a cop to me!

-No! -She has a point.

How did you find me? Did you tap my phone?

Your parents told us where to find you.

Those freaking narks!

No one is a nark. We are not cops, dammit!

-Not cops! -No.

This is Michel Barré, I'm Sofiane. I work the luggage carts at Roissy.

What kind of a lame job is that?

Hey! It is a full-time contract, dude!

No cart means no luggage means no vacation!

How do I know you are not psycho?

Fine.

We are talking with the Sorbonne's resident dumb-dumb.

I'm placing something on the ground.

-I got this, Michel. -Right.

You do work at the airport.

-Yes. -Finally!

Dude, you look so ugly in this pic!

-You know what? Just jump. -No, no. Wait!

The bear. Where is the bear?

I can't believe you guys went to the retirement home.

Did you know my gran was a Resistance fighter?

-Yes, we certainly got that. -Oh yeah.

I'm sorry. I just brought some dope,

so I thought you guys were cops.

Michel practically is. He works at City Hall in Poissy.

Except I manage the highways department.

The roads are the sidewalks, and the cops are hookers.

Damn, this stuff

makes me super smart.

And do you remember the bear?

I must have left it at Maxence's place.

-Could you call him? -No way. We are not talking.

Why not?

Well, basically...

I broke up with him because he asked Louise out, Pedro's ex.

Camille and Lola saw him with Egglentine,

Ronald's cousin, the one who likes gang bangs.

So naturally, I was feeling super bummed out

at Renata's party. Charles' ex, but so gay.

So, what was I supposed to do? Stay with that jerk?

And to top it all off, Zoubir broke his scooter.

So, I gave him the bear as a parting gift.

The jerk wanted a souvenir.

So, do you have Zoubir's number? He is your ex, right?

-No, Pedro is her ex. -No, Maxence is my ex.

So... Who has the bear?

-The gay one, Renata. -No, Maxence does.

And where does he live?

Right now, he is at Rougival, at his family's castle.

The guy has a castle, and you still dumped him?

Yeah. What do I need a castle for?

-How far is Rougival? -Department 92nd, near Saint-Cloud.

OK. Rougival. Thank you.

-Pleasure. -Let's go.

-Want a selfie, cop? -Sure, why not.

-Nice place. -Where is this, Hogwarts?

When your name is Maxence, you need a swanky pad.

Look at that gate! Those are wrought iron bars.

My father used to make wrought iron.

He had a business in the Gard. He made all kinds.

Pergolas, verandas...

One time, a guy even asked him

to make him a pair of wrought iron pants.

-And he did! -Hilarious, Michel.

Thanks for coming with me, Sofiane. We are getting close.

Yeah, and I'm getting closer to my dough.

You really do have a fixation on this money.

Poor people usually do.

Goodbye, you promiscuous harlot.

This is a nice place.

-What the hell is he doing? Hey! -Stop!

Oh my god! Untie the rope!

Hurry up! His dong is right on my face!

-Done! -No, not like that!

Come help me!

Wait, wait...

Come on kid, wake up. Give him mouth to mouth.

Screw that!

I don't know how. Don't they teach first aid at Roissy?

-I skipped the class! -Do something.

We are losing him.

-Maybe he will come back! -Do it.

That's it.

It is working. Keep going.

He is waking up.

Oh my god, he just Frenched me!

I know you!

You are Marie-Christine's new beau.

-Maxence? -Yeah, that's me.

Whoa, hold on!

Come to taunt me in my own home with your father!

Stay right there.

Louis VIII has completely lost it!

Who does he think we are?

Who do you think we are?

Where on earth is he going?

Where are you going?

Holy shit...

We save his life, and he sets the dogs on us!

-You must be a terrible kisser! -Never had any complaints!

I'm coming for you, bitches!

Jackass!

-Why are you insulting him? -I'm scared!

Let's shake them off!

-Fuck! -We are swimming in shit!

-I'm sinking! -Prepare to meet your doom!

But first, you are going to fuck your father.

-I'm not his father. -Maxence!

What on earth is all this ruckus?

Good evening, gentlemen.

I don't know what to say.

Luring a romantic rival into a trap. A coward's move!

A true Chaberteau de Rougival does not do such things.

It is fine.

Except we did almost die!

You have defecated all over your family's name.

You have urinated all over our dynasty.

Forgive me, grandfather.

Michel.

We have to get out of here.

Before they kill us and stuff us. Let's go!

You have to admit we look rather dashing.

I look like a Kennedy and you look like a temp!

Gentlemen, you look wonderful.

Thank you for the clothes. They are superb.

Keep them.

Though this modest attire cannot undo

the shameful behavior of my grandson.

At least no one was hurt. Let bygones be bygones.

You have a generous heart, sir. Are you an aristocrat?

No, I'm from Poissy. Michel Barré, highways department.

It pains me to say something clearly went awry

during Maxence's education.

A youthful error.

Maxence is 19!

At his age, his ancestor

Guido Chaberteau de Rougival was already a general in the brigade.

Goodness.

Yes, he celebrated Easter Sunday

in a Tunisian brothel, and unfortunately contracted syphilis.

-Oh my... -A good general, but a sodomite.

-He was dead a few weeks later. -From syphilis?

Oh no.

A terrible to-do at the battle of Gravelotte!

August 18th, 1870. Guido was on horseback in the melee.

Forced to retreat.

On his right, the French. On his left, enemy lines.

For some inexplicable reason,

he decided to gallop straight at the Prussians!

Oh dear...

-They shot him down like a dog. -Sacrebleu.

Who can say how a fine strategist

such as Guido could have made such a blatant error.

-Well... -I mean...

Good Heavens... Did you not receive a tie pin?

There is really no need.

What madness are we living in?

Honestly, Your Honor, it is fine.

We have a nice pair of socks...

You will have to forgive Maria, she is our Mexican housekeeper.

She is not yet used to our ways.

-Maria! -Yes?

Maria!

Yes, yes. I come, Mr. Count.

Que se pasa?

Where on earth were you?

In the kitchen, making nachos. A traditional dish from my country.

Yes, yes. Could you fetch these gentlemen a couple of tie pins?

No, I don't know where they are.

Good Heavens...

Forgive me. One must do everything oneself.

Quite a family.

Thank you.

De nada.

Goodbye.

Shut your piehole.

Just you wait till I call immigration Maria, zarma...

Gentlemen...

My apologies.

Marie-Chris just told me everything.

I thought you were her new boyfriend, and I lost it.

No, no. I have been in a committed relationship

for the past five years.

That Marie-Christine is quite a handful.

My fiancée inherited her family's hot temper.

Her grandmother was in the resistance, you know.

Yes... We met her.

Thank you for not telling Grandfather about the horse and rope.

It would destroy him.

Understandable. I would feel the same.

You see...

A Chaberteau de Rougival does not botch a suicide.

Why did you want to die in your boxers?

-Panache, my friend. -And why did you French me?

That, I cannot say.

But I must say, you are a fine kisser.

You woke the puppet, so to speak.

You better

put that puppet back in its box, pal...

Sofiane! Did Marie-Christine mention we are looking for a bear?

Ah yes, of course! Hang on.

-Maria! Maria, come here, please. -Yeah, yeah.

-You rang, Mr. Maxence? -Maria, I'm looking for a bear...

dark brown fur. It was in my room.

The teddy bear.

I put it in with the things for Amitié Guantanamo.

Amitié Guatemala, Maria.

Yes, whatever. Right. I go finish fajitas.

What is Amitié Guatemala?

A charity my family supports. Donations left early this morning.

The bear is gone.

Jesus! You can't save Guatemala with one lousy bear!

Do you have the address?

Yes. Let me write it down.

It is in the chapel of Sainte-Sophie school in Saint-Cloud.

-A magnificent building. -Go ahead...

You will see for yourself...

As soon as you step inside, you feel...

-Keep writing... -such a presence.

Write, dammit!

I am ever so sorry.

If I had known, I would have kept the bear.

Maria. By losing the bear of this gentleman from Poissy,

you have tarnished the reputation of the Chaberteau de Rougivals.

Stand and defend.

Should we stop them?

It is fine. They are not loaded.

Really?

Grandfather!

No, Michel. Let's go! This family are a bunch of loonies.

Good god, what a day!

That Mexican bitch shot me in the knee!

I'm not Mexican, you bastard!

I'm from Ouarzazate!

Quite a crowd.

Do you think they all know where Guatemala is?

Probably not.

No, I'm not British.

No, no, my friends. Do not applaud me.

I am but a humble amateur.

This guy here, is the real pro. He is our guide.

It is him you should applaud.

El Señor Jesus!

Thank you.

Operation "Un toyo..." A toy

for a smile has had tremendous success.

We have managed to collect 3,000 toys

to help bring the children joy.

The kiddie-winks,

as I like to call them.

You might say... Why should we care about orphans?

Well, let me ask you the same question.

Go ahead.

I already know the answer.

Because the answer... is love.

It is a scam.

-No... -The guy's a con artist.

And do you know where that information comes from?

Right here.

In Spanish, we call this el corazon.

Remember that.

Anne-Catherine, Guy-Patrick,

you are the pillars of the Saint-Cloud parish.

Therefore, I shall ask you

to come and join me on this stage built from wood and tears.

Come on up...

So, how do we feel?

-Very moved. -And who wouldn't be?

Because today,

Anne-Catherine and Guy-Patrick, you will meet your child.

A young Guatemalan boy by the name of Pedro.

This poor boy became an orphan

at just six months old.

At the age of eight, he joined a gang.

Today, he is 14 years old.

And all this agresividad,

well, that's over and done with.

Let's all give a warm welcome to Pedro.

Humble Christian that I am,

I shall not reveal the sordid conditions

in which I encountered this young guapo.

All I can say, dear friends,

is that when I found him,

this young boy was practically living feral.

Anne-Catherine.

-He is so sweet. -Oh, yes.

We shall raise him as our sixth child.

The Good Lord has finally blessed us with a son.

Girls. Meet your brother, Pedro.

I'm gonna put you whores to work on the streets!

Don't start...

A son who I hope, one day will take over my law firm.

Pedro the attorney... I can see it.

May God grant your vision.

Better ask his son!

I'll kill you all, you sons of bitches...

Shut up.

I want to remind you, that you too can become a parent

to a child as sweet and obedient as Pedro.

For the modest sum of 85,000 euros.

Need I remind you that a large portion of this sum

is tax deductible.

Every good deed deserves a reward.

And as our dear Latino friends always say,

viva el vida!

Dear me...

I'm sorry about your daughter, but I can't see how I can help you.

Why not?

You don't take a bear back from a child.

That is morally unethical!

I just want to get my daughter's bear back.

And I just want to be roommates with Jesus Christ.

-We all have dreams. -I don't follow.

Neither do I.

I wish I could help,

but you are not members of the association.

Don't tell me you are after my money, too!

Money...

Such a dirty word.

I am talking about a donation, good sir.

To help our humble, non-profit organization.

-How much? -Well...

Anything you like, but no less than 100 euros.

-What? -100...

Is he for real? That's more than I get

as an end of year bonus!

Calm yourself, young man.

I have been doing this

for ten years. So don't come preaching to me!

Give me back my daughter's bear, please.

That's more like it. Paco.

Where are the cuddly toys?

They have all been loaded

onto containers for Guatemala.

The flight leaves tomorrow morning.

What, all of them?

Hang on, Michel. Where is the flight leaving from?

Do you have the number of the transporter?

Quizás.

-Quizás. -Quizás.

-Right. -Much obliged.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Hey, Michel. Good news.

The flight is leaving from Roissy.

We just need to give Alex time to find the container.

And I need to go over my ex's.

I should call my wife. She must be getting worried.

What did you do that for!

Wait! Sofiane!

Nice place.

Is anyone home?

Ah...

-Good evening, Mrs. Mouton. -Hello.

I'm sorry to call in on you so late. I got held up..

Yes, yes... I know you, Sofiane.

But Léa is gone.

I'm not British, ma'am.

Do you know where I can find her?

She gave me this so I could send on her mail.

Réunion Island?

She was being serious.

Here, all of your things are in here.

Right, well... Thank you, Mrs. Mouton.

Hey, luggage king!

-I'm not British. -How are you, Mr. Mouton?

Better than you. My ex isn't leaving town with my kid.

Fredo!

Oh shit... He didn't know.

Congratulations, kid.

Léa is pregnant?

Sorry you had to find out this way.

I have to go. My show is on.

Wait... Who is the father? Mrs. Mouton!

-Mr. Mouton! Anyone. Please. -Leave it.

Just two seconds. Get off, Michel...

Hey! Tell me who the father is!

They won't tell me. Maybe...

You are the father.

There.

What did he say?

Didn't you hear? You are the father.

No...

-That's wonderful. -No, not wonderful.

-Yes, it is.. -No, no...

Sofiane! Good day, Sir.

Nice of you to leave London to clear your tab.

-Don't Bernard, I'm not in the mood. -I got this.

How much does he owe you?

Fifty-nine euros. I don't know the equivalent in pounds.

-I am not British. -Then why are you dressed like that?

Why didn't she tell me?

I spoke to her this morning.

It is strange she didn't mention it.

Nothing. Not a word.

-Is there someone else? -None of your business.

The hell it isn't. Is there someone else?

-Yes. -How long?

Four months.

Jesus Léa, we only broke up five months ago!

Who is he?

Why "he"? It could be a girl.

She did tell you.

Yeah, but it wasn't very clear.

What did you say?

I told her...

I was pretty mad when I replied...

I...

I...

-And then... -Wait...

I didn't see it. You went too fast.

-Show me. -There.

-May I? -Sure.

I never actually meant to send...

"I hope you both get diarrhea and die."

Good god, Sofiane!

Why on earth would you write something like that?

I know, I know. It is so bad.

YOU AND YOUR MAN, I WISH YOU DIARRHEA FOR LIFE.

We are over, anyway.

Even before this morning.

I'm just a stupid kid who is not ready to commit.

That's why I left her.

Look.

You see,

I was young too, once. A real rebel. See for yourself.

I had a rock band, "The Ties."

We were wild!

-Is that you in the wig? -That's not a wig. That was my hair.

But today, I am Michel Barré,

loving father and husband, head of the highways department.

And I'm happy.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I just mean that sometimes...

life helps you grow.

But all this is going way too fast...

This morning I was Sofiane, the Roissy playboy. And now...

What?

Now I'm supposed to become Michel Barré.

I was hoping for a few steps in between!

-Oh, shit... -Is that Léa?

No. It is Alex.

He found the container. He is waiting for us at Roissy.

-Let's go. -Shouldn't we be focusing on you?

Look... Right now, I can't do anything about my kid.

But I can help yours.

Let's do this, Michel.

Hey pal, I just got your message!

We are on our way!

OK.

And I have to tell you something. I'm going to be a dad!

What? What have you been doing these past 24 hours?

Sofiane is going to be a dad.

Good for him.

I hope he has a gorgeous daughter like Binouze.

Give your daddy a kiss.

Look at this angel.

They grow up so fast.

She is a big girl, now.

The day she brings home her first boyfriend...

That's going to be a real kick in the nuts.

Yeah, but...

It is the circle of life. I mean...

She has to grow up at some point, right?

Off to bed, Binouze.

You saying my girl should sleep with the first mutt she finds?

No, no! That's not what I meant.

Then what did you mean?

Answer me!

Where the hell are they?

Are you not enjoying my company?

Me? Sure I am.

-Spending quality time together? -Exactly.

Ah, Sofiane! Congratulations, buddy!

-Thanks. -Hey.

-What's with the get-up? -I got it from a castle...

Hey! Tea and crumpets!

You can chit chat later. It is go time.

Alex, break it down.

OK, so the container is in the cargo terminal in Zone 51.

It takes off in an hour with the bear inside.

-All right. -As for Léa...

Flight Air France 642 to Réunion Island

leaves from Terminal M an hour later.

With Sofiane's kid and my godchild inside.

Who said you were the godfather?

Who else?

OK, here is the deal.

If you get caught

dressed like that, you will get your pretty asses screwed hard in jail.

They will ride you like a roller coaster.

And they don't mess around.

Is that what you want?

-No. -Right.

How about you?

-No. -Right.

That's why I thought of this.

No, no, no. Sofiane, put that down.

I do not want that.

Even to protect my ass.

You sure? A bullet from this would...

-No! -OK. Fair enough.

I got you guys a special service vehicle

so you don't stick out.

-Thank you for your help. -Bye.

-Just doing my duty. -You too, Thierry.

Thanks, Thierry.

Goodbye.

And good luck...

-See that? With just one finger. -Yes, very impressive.

Yes, well done.

See? Come on, give us a kiss.

OK. If we get caught, we are from Terminal 3,

and we came to help out the guys

in Terminal 2.

-Got it? -Got it.

What did you get?

-What you just said. -And what did I just say?

You said..

If we get caught, we are from Terminal 3,

and we came to help out the guys

in Terminal 2.

Yes, exactly. I heard you.

My brain picks things up fast.

And boy, does it stick in there...

I'm famous for my memory.

SOS Planet France... That's not it.

"Help Portugal"...

I hope it is full of shaving razors.

That's not it.

"Help Ethiopia."

"1 iPad for 1 child"?

Maybe we should check if the bear is in here.

Focus, Sofiane.

They hardly need iPads in Ethiopia!

Here, let's each take a row. You go left.

Not this one...

Michel! Michel!

-"Amitié Guatemala." -Brilliant!

Look out!

-Hey! -Sorry.

Holy crap...

Dear Lord...

OK. You take that side, I will take this side.

Let's do this.

-Do you remember what he looks like? -Course I do!

Come on...

Where are you, little guy?

-Oh my god... -There are too many, Michel!

I know.

Wait.

They are everywhere.

Monkeys,

crocodiles, bunnies...

A needle in a haystack!

...donkeys, squirrels...

Michel! Michel!

-Oh my god! -Michel!

You got it!

-You got it! -Yes!

Wait, where did he go?

-Shit, we lost it! -Hold on, hold on...

I just had it.

There! I got it.

Freedom!

-Oh! -Hey! Open up!

It is locked!

Hang on, I work here. I know how to get us out.

-Hey! Open up! -Hello?

We are trapped inside the container!

Just as I found out I have a kid, I'm shipped off to Guatemala.

I don't believe this...

Hello.

This is Michel Barré.

Head of the highways department at Poissy.

If you are watching this...

What are you doing? I told you, there is no signal here.

...it means that me and my colleague, Sofiane,

have sadly passed on.

Stop... What are you doing?

This message is for my family.

We are not going to die.

We will get to Guatemala,

find the French embassy,

-and catch the next flight home. -We are in a container.

We will be stuck in the baggage hold,

at -112 degrees Fahrenheit.

We are going to die.

This message is for my little girl, Jeanne.

Jeanne, it is Daddy. Look.

I found him.

Hug him tight.

And think of your Daddy

who loves you very much, up in Heaven

with Bambi's mom.

I love you, Jeanne.

I hope you work hard at school,

and grow up to be a strong, powerful woman.

Goodbye.

What the hell...

Be quiet.

Clara... Clara, my love.

Come closer, Clara.

I love you. So, so much.

Now pass this video over to the guys in Poissy.

Hey guys! It is Michel. Michel Barré.

Fellas, I have crossed to the other side.

My final wish

is that you give my job

to David Martino, who works in the Parks department...

-Shush! -Wait... Is someone there?

Help!

-Help us! We are trapped in here! -Help!

We are trapped in this container.

-What is it? -Fékir.

Fékir? Who is Fékir?

I would rather take my chances with Guatemala!

Take us away, guys!

-No, no, no! -Hi there, Sofiane!

-Told you I would get you. -Yes, yes you did.

Good evening, sir.

We are the team from air terminal 3.

-And we are here to replace... -Shut the fuck up.

-Yep, no problem. -Stealing from customs?

Now I got two reasons to break you.

No! We were just leaving, right Michel?

-You are not going anywhere. -Wait...

Not so cocky now, big man!

No, I'm not the big man. I'm just a pussy!

Look what you did to my face!

-No, it looks fine! -Oh, yeah?

Michel! Michel?

Sir! Wake up! Are you all right?

-Yeah, fine. -I'm sorry, I wasn't aiming for you.

You sure got me, though!

He told me about your daughter. I'm a dad too.

Sorry.

-I'm OK. -It was his fault!

What? No!

Yeah. And this ain't over!

-OK. -Got it?

Yep. Hey, look what I got.

-What? -See!

Your pussy journal!

You can tap all the ass at Roissy with that.

Around the world bang fest.

Well... we shall leave you to it.

Why?

We got to go now.

Oh come on, guys! The patrol is on its way.

I will have to pretend you attacked me.

-Really? Good luck, then. -OK.

-Thanks. -See you.

ACCESS FIRST CLASS

There she is! What the hell do I say to her, Michel?

Give me your ascot.

Here.

Look at me! Look at me!

What am I supposed to say?

Just say what is in your heart.

What do you mean?

It is another way of saying "figure it out."

OK.

Thanks for everything.

Thank you.

I am real glad I met you.

-You are a good kid. -Thanks.

Thank you.

You handsome devil.

Off you go.

Go on. Hey! The bear.

Oh shit, sorry! I'm all excited.

Go on!

Good luck!

Hi.

What are you doing here?

And what are you wearing?

It is a long story. But I know.

I know you are pregnant.

So?

So I screwed up, and I am a massive asshole.

Is that it?

Michel! Michel!

Wait, we are not done.

What about Léa?

She is taking a cab home. I'm meeting her after.

Oh good.

-Want a ride? It is free. -No, no need.

-Michel. -Honestly.

I want to meet your little girl.

FOR ISABELLE SADOYAN

Hey, there!

-Hello, little family! -Hi, Jeanne!

-Hi, sweetie. -How are you doing?

Good, you?

-Michel... -Hello, Sofiane.

How are the happy family?

Real good.

-We got you something. -Wow!

Good luck losing that one!

Thank you, Uncle Michel.

What a gorgeous baby. What is his name?

We named him Michel.

Really?

Nah!

-You are late. -Sorry.

Oh my god, there they are.

Where are the coffees?

I drank them.

Clearly, you have no idea what we are doing.

Why?

Wow. Just... Wow.