Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[Louise] And that comes to $3.75.

Another exciting week in the illegal snack trade.

Aren't you ever worried you're gonna get caught?

They're pretty serious about

the "no selling snacks at school" rule.

Tina, Tina, Tina, my snack reselling operation

is a well-oiled and heavily salted machine.

And, you know, you can always jump on the snack wagon.

I know you're trying to save up for that pencil case thingy.

The Ultra Capacity Pencil Sanctuary?

I'll earn the money legally, thanks.

Did I mention it comes with two pencil drawers?

-[Louise] Yep. -[Gene] Uh-huh.

And three side cubbies for erasers?

-[Gene] Uh-huh. -[Louise] Yeah.

And a built-in sharpener?

-[Gene] Uh-huh. -[Louise] Mm-hmm.

So... yeah.

Well, I predict next week

the spicy chip trend will be over.

I saw Ms. Labonz eat one.

When a teacher's eating it, the snack is done.

Remember Nasty Nibs?

One of the flavors was Knee Scab.

And that's exactly what it tasted like.

Trust me.

Those didn't sell like Sour Smacks.

Those were so sour I tried water.

Is it weird how much kids like eating things that are awful?

It's a bonding experience.

Instant snack-based pain bond.

Mouth trauma drama.

Speaking of mouth drama,

anyone want to try my post-dinner, pre-bedtime treat?

It's black pepper and red pepper and green pepper and Dr Pepper.

All the peppers in one dip.

-I'm good. -Whoa.

Guys, what if there was one snack

that had all the extreme flavors in one bite?

You're saying hot, sour, sugary and a little gross?

Like Captain Jack Sparrow?

Gene, could you use your powers

to create an everything-in-one chip?

One chip to rule them all?

Maybe. Ooh, I've got an idea.

-I got to go talk to Dad. -Say hi for me.

Bun delivery: $45.

Bun delivery: $45.

Okay, we just got to put the rest of these

in the spreadsheet, and then all of these,

and then we high-five and say, "Taxes."

[sighs] How many nights have we spent doing this?

Maybe we don't keep our books

and the accountant just makes up numbers?

We tried that. Everyone was mad.

[clears throat] Father, I have a question.

-Stop gaming with your bros. -I wasn't...

-[sighs] Go ahead. -What was that orange thing

I ate the other day that tasted really funny?

That orange button you swallowed?

The orange crayon? The traffic cone you chewed on?

No, it was in the restaurant,

and it was like my whole mouth felt tingly

and my tongue went numb for an hour.

Oh, that was a Hachiya persimmon that wasn't ripe yet.

Yes, that's it. How does it do that?

Did a witch sell it to you?

It's the tannins-- they can make your mouth

feel like it's full of fur.

-Do we have any more? -Yeah, they're in the walk-in.

Why do you want one?

-Uh, math homework. Bye. -[laptop fan buzzing]

Oh. Oh, God.

That's loud. Saving.

Saving our file. Don't die.

-Please don't die. -It's not gonna die.

It's a survivor.

Think of all the stuff we've done to it.

Oh, my God. Is that smoke?

-Close it. -It's so hot.

It's angry. Oh, it's angry. Putting it in the fridge.

You put the laptop in the fridge?

Yes. That's normal.

It's gonna be fine.

[Bob sighs] It's dead.

I'm gonna try it again.

And wake up.

Ah, poop.

Well, at least everything's backed up, right?

[both] Uh...

-No. -Oh, no.

Why didn't we back it up?

We've been doing stupid tax stuff every night for weeks.

So many ways to back up now.

Thumb drive, cloud,

print it out and mail it to yourself.

It can't be dead.

All of our family photos and videos are on here.

You know, there's a repair place I've been to that's pretty good.

I took my mom's PC there when she spilled

a Long Island iced tea on it.

Apparently, that's the most damaging drink

you can spill on a computer.

[sighs] Let me try one more thing.

Who's a pretty girl?

And... on.

Damn it.

[blender whirring]

Move over, Gene Simmons.

Here comes Gene Persimmons with unripe persimmon juice.

We've also got our hot sauce,

our lemon juice and a little sugar.

Let's get sprinkling.

♪ ♪

Sisters, chips ahoy?

[crunching]

[whimpering]

-Extreme heat. -Mm. Extreme sour.

And my tongue is numb.

-Yup. -Gene, you did it.

It's truly unpleasant.

Kids will love this.

Or we keep tinkering?

Should we maybe add a thin layer of marzipan?

Stop. Leave it be. It's great.

I think we should bag these up, three per bag.

I think we should call them Mouth Manglers.

And I think we should charge a buck a bag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's "we"?

I don't want to get in trouble.

And I never want to taste that taste again.

Yeah. Me, neither. Okay, one more.

-Yeah. -Okay, fine.

[all groaning]

And dropping the stuff in the drop locker.

Andy and Ollie, my boys in the yard,

will come and pick up the product, and we'll find out

if there's a market for this madness.

So, how does it work?

The buyer approaches Andy and Ollie.

Everybody goes down the slide together, away from prying eyes.

Money's exchanged for snacks.

Everyone's all smiles when they come out the other end,

and no one's the wiser.

Oh, I think we might have a taker.

Be cool, be cool. Just, you know, do recess stuff.

-Recess, recess, recess. -Hey, guys.

-Gene, you doing some recess? -Tina, move.

You're blocking my angle.

Uh, are you trying to recess this way?

-Hi, Louise. -Aah!

How's your secret snack racket going?

Shh. Just move along, Millie.

Sorry, sorry. I know you like discretion.

You keep your hands clean.

Never handle the goods, never touch the money.

Isn't there anyone else you could stalk today?

[laughs] That's funny.

Are you sure I can't get in on your illegal enterprise?

I'll do anything. I'll answer phones.

I'll pick up dry cleaning.

And anyone who crosses you, I'll destroy their soul.

-[school bell ringing] -Ugh.

Ugh. Jinx!

[grunts] Did you see how far that went?

Gene, all balls need to be collected at the end of recess.

Fine, I'll go get it.

Okay, moment of truth. Time to see how much we sold.

Didn't get a chance to talk to Andy and Ollie.

This could've been a bust.

-So... -Crime doesn't pay?

I don't know. Does a bag full of cash pay?

[Tina and Gene] What?

We sold out in one day.

Ten bucks in one day.

-I want in. -Yeah, you do.

Money, money, money, money, money, money.

So we're gonna quadruple the recipe,

which means we're doing some multiplication here.

-I can do this! -[Tina] Here's my money.

Go turn this into more money.

Mama's going to pencil case town.

In Pennsylvania.

Ingredient money. Thank you.

Or should I say, "Bank you"?

'Cause you're the bank.

Ooh, what if we make ten times as many?

But I just did the math for four times as many. I think.

Easy there, hot stuff. We have a plan.

To stay under the radar? To not get caught?

Fine. Boo.

While we're talking plans, does it have to be a chip?

Hear me out: Mouth Mangler Meringue.

-[Tina and Louise] No. -Mouth Mangler Moussaka?

[Tina and Louise] Gene.

[Bob] H-How does it look?

-Bad. -Oh.

Very bad. Was it on fire?

There was some smoke, but you can fix it, right?

I can put in a refurbished hard drive,

but your hard drive is dead.

And it suffered.

Okay. We really need what's on that hard drive.

It's pretty much all our pictures

and also a lot of hours of putting receipts

into a program that our accountant told us to get.

-Not backed up? -Not backed up.

Why?!

Sorry. Sorry.

I want so badly to have been the person who backed up.

I want that so much.

I know. It's hard.

I want to be the person who goes

to physical therapy for their wrists.

But I don't go, and you don't back up.

-Yeah. -Leave it with me.

I'll see if I can get it to spin up.

Will that be expensive?

Oh, that question always comes: "How much does it cost?"

I mean, it's just something I wonder.

It's 100 bucks for the new drive,

50 bucks for the diagnostic on the fried drive.

After that, there will be some cost to do a retrieval.

I can't tell you how much that'll run till I do the tests.

Okay. Do I give you credit card?

You give me credit card.

[sighs] I'm sorry. This is just scary.

-It's scary for me, too. -It is?

Yeah. I mean, you're making me feel like it's really important

that I fix your hard drive.

-[voice shaking] It is. -Are your eyes watering?

I'm not crying. I'm just gonna leave.

-Yeah, just leave it. -Okay.

-Just go, please. -I'm going.

-Yeah, I just-- -I'll leave it here.

L-Leave it here, and then you go,

-and then I'll be here. -Bye, laptop. I'm coming back.

-And I'm definitely not crying. -Okay, bye.

-Bye. -Yep.

-I love you. -I love you--

Well, he loves you, I'm sure. Bye.

[Louise] Time to cash in on these chips.

Let's mangle some mouths.

♪ Selling illegal snacks ♪

♪ Illegal snacks ♪

♪ Making a lot of cash ♪

♪ Cash ♪

♪ Selling illegal snacks ♪

♪ Crunchy ♪

♪ Making a lot of cash ♪

♪ Get that cash ♪

♪ Selling illegal snacks ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money ♪

♪ Money. ♪

Louise, we've got chip trouble.

Also, I have to go potty-- unrelated.

Whoa, whoa. Andy, Ollie.

We don't talk snacks out in the open, remember?

Also, Ollie, I told you to go when you need to go.

There's another chip on the scene.

-[Louise] What? -[Ollie] And the street name

is Mouth Shmanglers.

-Hey, that's just like our name. -Oh, my God.

Someone is pumping out counterfeit Mouth Manglers?

We found one on the ground.

Let me see that.

[groans] It's sort of hot, and I guess it's gross.

But it's not good gross. It's bad gross.

Like Tammy's birthday party Captain Jack Sparrow?

This is a reminder that students are forbidden

from selling food on campus,

especially if that food happens to be

any sort of a challenge or dare.

If you are caught selling anything

with extreme flavors on school property,

you will face a detention challenge

that will not be spicy,

but it will be sour for you.

And it will be the extreme detention sentence,

which is, I don't know, till the end of the year, maybe.

[groans] This is what happens.

-Amateurs! -[Millie] Psst.

I've got something you three are gonna want to see.

I found the counterfeiter.

[Gene] Peter?

[Louise] Peter Pescadero?

I caught him dealing the knockoff chips

in the cafeteria, so I brought him here.

What do we want to do with him, guys?

He's very ticklish.

No! I'll stop making them.

I-I'll stop selling them.

It's not that easy, Peter.

Where's it gonna be? Feet? Pits?

No! Please!

Uh, I'm not comfortable with this.

Peter, don't test me again, or there will be tickling.

And it won't be just a test tickle.

Yeah, no test tickles for you.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

-Let him go. -[whimpering, panting]

See you in homeroom.

Can I be part of your snack gang now, please?

Excuse us a moment.

Maybe we should let her in.

-I mean, she's a little... -[Tina] Terrifying?

[Louise] Yeah, but maybe that's good.

You're the cook. You're the bank.

I'm the brains. She's the muscle.

Every cartel needs muscle, right?

And it always ends well for the cartels.

[sighs] Okay.

-All right, Millie, you're in. -Yes!

This is gonna be so fun.

-Right. -Uh-huh.

Nicely done. They bought it.

So I bought you this money.

-I feel kind of bad. -[shushing]

You don't feel anything, because this never happened.

-Mwah! -[whimpers] Wha--

Bye. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon.

[singsongy] I know where you live.

Okay, we're all here.

We can finally start the meeting.

-What's this about? -Yeah.

This meeting wasn't in my PalmPilot.

Louise called this meeting, so we're gonna do

-the friggin' meeting, okay? -Yikes.

Thank you, Millie.

Okay, so first item: welcome Millie.

She will be in charge of security and enforcement.

-And back rubs! -Millie, no.

Um, actually, that feels pretty good.

Look, guys, we need to expand our market.

I'm thinking kids on the school bus,

the mall, youth groups, book fairs.

I'm just spitballing.

Ah, Millie. Ow. Ow.

Expanding? Sounds risky.

More chances to get caught.

And I'd have to make even more chips?

People, I don't work hard, I play hard.

Actually, I don't play hard.

Hey, if Louise says we're expanding,

-we're expanding. -Millie, down.

Down, girl. Seriously. Get-get off my back.

-[school bell rings] -All right, we'll put a pin in this,

-I guess. -[laughs]

"Put a pin in this." I love that.

That's great. Did you just come up with that?

No.

Bob's Burgers. Oh, hi, computer Dave.

So, the diagnostics report on your hard drive...

-Yeah? -...was bad.

-Oh. -What'd he say?

-It's bad. -Is that bad?

-Is that bad, if it's bad? -Um, yeah.

-I just don't know the lingo. -Tell Dave I said hello.

The PC with the Long Island Iced Tea spilled on it.

-Teddy, shush. -There is a procedure we can do,

but it's potentially dangerous.

-Dangerous? -And I'm not that good at it.

-Oh. -I can try to transfer files

from the old hard drive to the new hard drive.

But once I boot up that old drive,

we may have five minutes, we may 20 seconds

before that drive crashes forever.

-Forever? -So, you both should probably be here

when I run the program in case there are decisions to make

-on the fly. -Hi Dave, this is Bob.

-What kind of decisions? -What to try and save.

-Oh, God. -I have time tomorrow afternoon.

-Okay. -All right, drink a lot of fluids

and get plenty of rest tonight.

And just don't get mad at me if it doesn't work, okay?

-Okay. -Bye. -Eh.

That didn't sound good. Sorry, guys.

Computers aren't for everyone.

[Louise] Guys, guys,

Millie's got some very exciting news.

-Listen up. -So,

an eighth grader contacted me.

She has a sister in high school

who wants to sell Mouth Manglers to the kids there.

She thinks they would eat them up. Literally.

So, who's the eighth grader?

It's her.

[Gene] Chelsea?

The scariest girl at school? That checks out.

Don't look at her, don't look at her.

I heard her older sisters are even scarier.

They're like scary Russian nesting sisters.

Chelsea wants to buy a huge batch.

A hundred bags.

And she made it very clear:

no interaction until the deal.

Which is happening tomorrow.

Louise does have to be there herself.

Chelsea insisted.

We can't use Andy and Ollie for this one.

But I'll be there. To protect her.

And you guys can just do whatever--

play, be young.

Um, hello? A hundred bags?

If we bring in a batch that big, our chances

of getting busted go way the H up.

The chances of me getting tired go way the H up.

A hundred bags? Look at these bags.

Then why don't you guys just quit?

-What? -What? -Huh?

Yeah. We don't need them anymore, Louise.

We don't need their money. We don't need a cook--

you know the recipe.

I say we ditch the funds and boy buns over here

and do it ourselves.

-Boy buns? -[sighs] Guys,

maybe Millie's right.

I mean, Tina, you didn't want to do any of this.

You like to play it safe.

And Gene, you don't like to work hard

-or focus. -What?

Maybe the time has come to go our separate ways.

-Yeah, maybe it has. -Fine with me.

Okay. I'll give you your cut for today at the drop locker

and we'll be square. And hey, you'll finally

have enough money to buy your badass pencil case, Tina.

It is badass. Come on, Gene.

Let's sit somewhere else. [grunting]

-Is this far enough? -Yeah, this is good.

♪ ♪

♪ Going our separate ways ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Stuck in our snack malaise ♪

♪ Malaise ♪

♪ Just you and your pencil case ♪

♪ So sad ♪

♪ Cooking the night away ♪

♪ So lonely ♪

♪ Going our separate ways. ♪

Oh, Peter.

-H-Hey, Gene. -I guess I want to say sorry

that Millie locked you in the boiler room.

I mean, I was mad that you were selling

those crappy knock-off chips,

but I wouldn't want us to not be friends

or at least classmates with benefits.

I don't know if I'm using that phrase correctly.

Um, Gene, the boiler room thing

was kind of not what it looked like.

[whispering indistinctly]

What?!

We got to tell Louise.

-Tell Louise what? -Aah! -Uh... Oh.

Nothing. Just, um...

Our dad has syphilis.

Uh, yep, our dad has syphilis.

Oh, that's awful.

I can take you to her. Follow me.

-Okay. -Great.

Wait, why are you taking us to the boiler room?

The place you locked up Peter Pescadero.

This is where the deal is happening.

Louise is waiting for the buyer. [scoffs]

It's not like I would lock people up twice

in the same place.

-Good point. -And it's not like

you would even go in with me if you thought

-I was gonna lock you up. -Right.

Plus, you guys are dealing with the syphilis thing.

I have so much compassion for that.

She's just over there, in the dark end of the room.

Louise? Tina and Gene are here.

They have some bad news.

It's, uh, the big S.

-[panting] -Damn it!

Stop! [grunts]

-[grunts] -Aah!

Millie, no!

You found out about Peter.

He squealed, didn't he?

-No? -No. -Well, I'm not

gonna let you ruin everything.

But I will let you stay in there forever,

So that's fun. Bye!

No! Aah!

Forever doesn't work for me.

I have a thing after school that I can't move!

I can't believe Millie trapped us in here.

-I mean, I can, but still. -Help!

Beautiful children trapped in musty boiler room!

Okay, we'll boot up the old drive

and I'll use my desktop to go through it and find and fix

any corrupted files as fast as I can

based on my limited knowledge of how this works.

-Are you ready? -[whimpers] -Yes.

Sorry, no, I was talking to myself.

And I am not.

Oh, come on, Dave.

Now's the time. [exhales]

Oh, my God.

-[thumping on door] -[Tina] Anybody? Anybody!

I'm thinking Millie's got a saw in here

or C-4 explosives.

But mostly, I'm seeing a lot of drawings

of her and Louise. Her and Louise on the beach.

Her and Louise in some kind of motorcycle and sidecar.

Her and Louise in a classroom.

And I think Mr. Frond is there and he looks mad.

Oh and it says "detention."

Ah, and here's another one: detention.

And another one: detention.

Wait, let me see those.

Oh, my God. Gene. Millie wants to get caught!

Remember when Mr. Frond said whoever gets caught

selling snacks will get detention for the rest

of the year? Millie wants to get detention

with Louise for the rest of the year.

-[gasps] -I bet there is no deal with Chelsea.

-It's a setup. -[Branca] ♪ Checking the traps ♪

♪ Checking the rat traps. ♪

Is that Mr. Branca?

-Mr. Branca! Mr. Branca! -Mr. Branca!

[thumping continuing]

Huh? Did you rats learn my name?

[Tina] We're not rats! We're kids!

-We're in the boiler room! -Oh. Thank God.

The rats-- one day, they gonna get me down here.

They're gonna make it look like an accident.

Thanks Mr. Branca! We got to go! Talk more later!

Okay, then.

Did you catch all that,

little bastards?

Okay. Starting the process.

[Linda] Is-is all that shaking around okay?

No, that's called a death rattle.

-Oh! -Hey, so I'm seeing two folders.

"Things" and "Stuff."

The kids' pictures and videos and stuff

are in "Things" and the bookkeeping things

-are in "Stuff." -It-It's a good system.

What should I try to save first? "Things" or "Stuff"?

-Oh, God. Um... -Uh...

Bob, let's save the spreadsheets.

-What? Lin-- -I-I think doing all that work again

might actually kill you. And it'll kill me too,

'cause I'll have to listen to you.

I-I mean, 'cause I care about you.

[Bob] But what about the photos and the videos of the kids?

It's okay. I remember all of 'em.

There's that one of Gene doing that thing,

and that one with the kids in the bath.

Remember when they used to be clean?

An-Anyway, they're all up here, somewhere.

-So, save the spreadsheets. -Okay, we've made a decision?

The folder with the spreadsheets is "Stuff."

And I'm gonna save that first. And possibly only that.

-[Bob] Wait! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Save "Things." Save--

-Save the photos! -Oh, Bobby!

Okay, so we changed our mind. We're saving photos and videos.

Here goes. Transferring photos.

Videos.

There's a little smoke.

-We got your photos and videos! -[both exclaim]

Whoa. And it's dead.

-Oh. -We lost the spreadsheets.

-Ah! -But I saved the memories, so...

-Yes, you did! Up top! -Oh!

-Sorry, sorry. -No. Worth it. It was worth it.

They've got to be in the slide, right?

It's where the magic happens!

Louise! There's no deal. Millie wants to get caught

so you have detention together for the rest of the year.

-What? -Yeah, what?

Millie bribed Peter to pretend to be the counterfeiter

so she could earn your trust and get into our gang.

And she probably bribed Chelsea to nod at us in the cafeteria.

-No. -[Tina] Then we found out

and-and tried to tell you and Millie locked us

-in the boiler room. -And that's when we found her drawings.

From her detention series.

Aw, don't listen to them.

They're just jealous of what we have.

Louise! Mr. Frond is coming!

He's coming straight towards the slide!

You know what?

-I don't care. -What? -What?

Yeah. Millie conned her way into the gang.

-I respect that. -Ooh! [giggles]

She likes my ideas. All of them. I respect that.

So you understand why I had to do it, right?

The cartel wasn't gonna last.

But detention is forever.

I get it. I mean, we're the ultimate team.

-So, Millie is my sister now. -Ooh! [giggles]

Yup, I'm doing the big switcheroo.

You're out, Millie's in.

Switching it up.

Swapping you out. Do you hear me?

[Millie] Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

[Frond] Well, well, Tina and Gene Belcher.

Let me guess, Louise is inside the slide.

Just kidding, not a guess.

I got an anonymous tip that Louise and Millie

are the illegal snack dealers and that

they would be inside the slide right now with the goods.

And here you are.

[squeals] It's happening.

Girls, out, now.

We're coming. Whee!

-Louise. Out. -[Louise] Mr. Frond,

this is all some kind of misunderstanding.

[scoffs] Is it a crime to slide?

-Backpack. -Aw.

-Mm-hmm. -We accept full detention.

Should we start right now?

We should probably start right now.

Is, uh... What the...

There's nothing in here.

Just a bunch of creepy drawings

and some nail clippings in a jar?

-What? No, that's my backpack. -Ew. Here.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, Mr. Frond.

Falling for phony tips. You're better than that.

[growls] I hate recess.

Wow. You switched the backpacks. Nice job.

-So, who went to the top of the slide-- Gene? -Mm-hmm.

[Millie] You pushed it up to him when I was looking

-at Mr. Frond and Tina? -[Louise] Yup.

Switcharoo. That was the signal. Your sibling code.

You started speaking in your secret language.

And Gene, you ran off with Louise's backpack

full of the chips

and what, hid it in the bushes over there?

Buried it in the sand?

Threw it in the trash?

You don't have to tell me.

[Gene] Those are way better ideas

than what I did.

But you still want to be my sister?

No. I already have a sister. And a brother.

They're actually my ultimate teammates.

Blech!

And I'm sorry I lost sight of that.

We actually balance each other out pretty well.

You're the gross and sour

-to my hot. -Aw.

-[school bell rings] -Well, I'm glad

your dad has syphilis!

So, T, how's the pencil case?

[Tina] I broke it. It still opens,

-but doesn't stay closed. -[Gene] Nice.

♪ What's the chip that you just can't quit ♪

♪ Sets your mouth on fire, makes you cry a bit? ♪

♪ Mouth Mangler ♪

♪ What's the snack makes your lips go "smack" ♪

♪ And it's on the attack and you can't fight back? ♪

♪ Mouth Mangler ♪

♪ When you hear that crunch ♪

♪ Get your taste buds ready to be punched ♪

♪ Come on into the slide ♪

♪ If you want to take that wild ride ♪

♪ Hot and sour, gross and sweet ♪

♪ Makes your tongue go numb, makes your life complete ♪

♪ Mouth Mangler. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org