Original subtitles

There were a number of very unfortunate experiences that I had right around

puberty that really established the link between

my blossoming sexuality and shame.

My neighbor Susie and I were going on a picnic. We had a blanket, we had a

little basket of lunch, and we were walking along the path.

We were going to go find a picnic spot.

And as we're walking, all of a sudden, this guy comes out of the woods

and he comes right up to me and says, come with me.

And he was a pretty big, burly guy.

And I remember very distinctly that his fly was open. And I went to try to run

from him and he grabbed me.

And he tried to drag me into the woods.

I was screaming, blood -curdling screaming, and I just fighting down, up,

up, down, up. I just, I was just like an animal. I was just like a little caught

animal.

And finally he took off.

He fled.

He couldn't contain me.

And...

My parents, they open the door and the police are standing there with me and my

mother hauls off and slams me in the face and screams, I told you not to go

the woods.

And my father just stands there like a wimp, like he usually did.

The only one that comforted me was the policeman. He just took me in his arms

and held me.

My parents never, never did.

I was put to bed, and I just felt so sick. I was just sick to my stomach.

Nothing, I couldn't, I wasn't, I didn't feel human.

It was just, I, it was just, you know, you don't feel like a person.

My father, a year after this happened to me, actually had the nerve to say,

women who are raped are asking for it.

If I didn't already have it implanted in my brain, he just firmly

implanted that idea.

Like slivers of glass, moments of shame slide into us, and we begin to limp.

Sometimes the shards are so small we don't even feel them.

If left untended, over time they can cripple us.

Our shame stories are not the same.

But maybe if we are brave enough to share them, we will discover a common

thread.

Evidence that we are not alone.

I grew up with a shame that was just unspoken. No one spoke about sex.

I knew it wasn't bad inherently, but I knew that it wasn't for me.

In fourth grade, I had a business where I would draw comics of people fucking,

okay? And they weren't just people, they were the teachers.

And, like, the teachers were fucking the children, and I didn't know. I'm just

everybody's person.

And I got subscriptions, 50 cents, and I was victim of people's lockers.

And I was making, you know, there were stick figures.

No idea where I got any of this.

And obviously I got caught.

And I got in so much trouble.

You know, they didn't understand how I was coming up with all of this. I don't

even know. But I must have been so curious and so thirsty for information.

that it was coming out of me.

I became sort of fascinated with how I felt when I looked at it,

but I knew it was wrong.

Very new things are getting out of hand because Bob became more and more

demanding, but not wishing to lose his friendship or the prestige he enjoyed

from his friends for having an older boyfriend.

She complied with his desire.

Then Mary found she was in trouble and had to tell her parents.

But now it was too late for advice and Mary had to be taken out of school and

placed under the guidance of juvenile authorities.

Trying to move too quickly into a world of grown -ups with a young person's

faith often caused heartache and disaster.

I would go with these guys in high school because I knew it was age

and I should do it and all my friends were doing it.

And they would try and penetrate me, and it would be excruciatingly painful.

And I'd bite down because I was too embarrassed to let them know they

do it until I couldn't take it anymore.

And I'd just say, stop.

I'm really sorry. And then, I'm apologizing.

I'm apologizing. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know. I'm so sorry.

And I was so ashamed of it that I didn't want to talk to anybody about it. I

really didn't.

There was no internet.

So I couldn't even go and Google, you know, vagina clamp or whatever.

Vagina clamp shut.

So I lived like that until I met my now ex -husband at

33.

So were you having sex during that period? When I met my husband, I had had

five times.

And I used to joke about it.

with my boss at the time, and she would say, times, not people.

Times, not people.

I felt very asexual. I knew that I had sexual feelings, but I just, I didn't

regard them.

I thought I was just one of those women who were frigid, and that I just

didn't enjoy it. I was one of those people who didn't enjoy it, and that was

lot in life.

We are constantly bombarded with sexual imagery and left

to navigate the mixed messaging.

Have you had criminal sex?

Yeah. Well, then that would make you, from what the Bible says...

How can we go out and conquer the world if this whole big piece

of our existence, of our energy is... in denial.

In this closet are just pictures and pictures of books of photos

and journals.

Okay, let's see what we can get through.

It's complex because of course I knew to some degree that I was a pretty girl

but I was insecure.

I grew up in New York City.

I was raised by my father and the stepmother.

Oh, isn't that pretty?

Here's 13 -year -old Candy with a terribly embarrassed look on her face,

wouldn't with that hairdo?

I was a very alive, passionate little girl. I could really feel

this stuff going on in my body. I didn't really know what it was. I didn't know

how to identify it, but it was there. It was happening so intensely.

There was no sex ed in schools at that time, and my family never talked about

sex.

Here's the sum total of the closest thing my mother ever... Talk to me about

that.

She said something like, I don't know how women could put that thing in their

mouths.

Can you imagine?

And I can tell you that I did not put that thing in my mouth more than maybe

three times the whole time I was with my first boyfriend, the poor guy.

I know, the poor thing.

a whole bunch of... I have so many pictures of men here that I had little

wonderful delicious slings with.

I lost my virginity when I was 18 with my first boyfriend.

I made him wait six months.

I remember that my mother had taken me to her female gynecologist.

She asked me point blank, are you having sex with your boyfriend?

Yes. Are you on birth control? No.

She wrote me a script for birth control pills.

They just became available.

So when my parents found out, my mother, I don't know, we were having some kind

of fight or something, and she made the pronouncement, your father thinks you're

a tramp.

And I told this woman doctor, she said, don't believe them, but, you know, be

your parents.

The damage goes deep.

Why the closet?

Why did I put the camera in the closet?

Closets are really sort of important spaces in my life.

One of my earliest memories is going through my sister's closet, going

my mother's dresser, trying to find clothes and putting them on.

I didn't even know what I was doing, but I knew it was false.

And I felt the same over it. I mean, obviously, because I would hide it. I

wait until everyone had gone to bed or left the house. And then I would sneak

the middle of the night and pull out her tutu or her bridesmaid dress or, I

don't know, whatever I could find, right?

I would put it on, and I knew that no one else could see, and I

knew that no one else should see, but I knew that I needed to do it and that I

wanted to do it.

Just as a pilot can crash into the trees, we know that emotional damage and

other problems come from sharing physical intimacies outside of marriage.

So instead of trying to ask, what are the limits, we should follow standards

that will keep us safe.

For the Strength of Youth provides this valuable standard.

Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must

expressed only in marriage.

In addition, For the Strength of Youth lists some specific things we should not

do. It says, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of

person, touch the private sacred parts of another person's body with or without

clothing, or allow anyone to do that to you.

The Mormon Church is not a good place to discover that you are transgender.

It's not a place where you have the resources to come out.

It's a religion that deeply shames sexual expression and any sort of non

-conforming gender expression.

When I was 17, I really just started to freak out about it, and I decided I

needed to repent, and I needed to repent.

everything and i needed to stop being a sexual sinner and i needed to stop

whatever was going on with gender

because you have to

confess sexual sins to a priesthood leader right who at the time was

my own father um i as a 17 year old

I had to go into my father's office at the church and detail, and they asked

detail, things that I had done sexually, and I talked about cross -dressing and

just laid it all bare in front of, you know, someone who was acting in the

capacity of my priesthood leader, but who was just, in fact, my own father.

I ran for security.

into the only dominant cultural fantasy to which I had been exposed, right?

I grew up in a very, like, insulated family where that was my understanding

the world, that that was the only way I could find happiness.

When you put away something that is such a deep part of you intentionally, you

just become a very oppressive person.

I had married a man who was absolutely lovely, dear, sweet man.

We had no sex life, and I had never been really interested in sex, so it didn't

seem to be that big of a deal.

I became more unhappy.

I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I was on different cocktails of meds

to try and fix my unhappiness, and nothing was working.

And one day, my best friend told me to watch a television show called True

Blood.

I watched it, and the two main characters were in love in real life,

would have this sex scene, and it was really intense.

The chemistry was palpable.

And something just sort of triggered in me, and I just started bawling. And I

kept rewinding the sex scene. You know, this is cable. It's not like, you know,

hardcore porn, but it was this romantic and passionate, you know, thing.

And it dawned on me that I'd never experienced that.

And I felt so sad because I could feel inside that it was an inherent part of

the human experience.

And I wanted that, and I knew I was never going to have that with my

So I had to make a big, scary choice.

I just knew I had to get out of that house because the longer I stayed, the

visceral the feeling of...

despair. That, who put me here? I'm not living the life I'm supposed to live.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Someone, I got woken up. And I know it sounds so

ooga booga, but it was my experience. I can't, you know, what can I say? But

it was really intense.

I found a community online that I could be sexy with, I could flirt with, that

flirted back with me, and then I started exploring Twitter.

I started tweeting as Lady Cheeky, and I met someone that I was flirting with

named Martin Gare.

And that person and I became friends, and then three months later, I

ended up meeting him.

I, for the first time, experienced sexual passion.

I had been wooed for three months. I had been romanced and love letters and all

this. So I was completely built up and had never enjoyed sex before. And now I

was enjoying sex.

I was able then to just be naked physically and then, you know, oddly

emotionally with him.

which made the sex even better and made the passion even more intense.

Once you go there, you can't go back.

These are great shots. This is during one of the huge marches against the

Vietnam War.

We've got all those big marches for women's lives.

And this is when I discovered the women's movement.

I discovered this coalition around the corner, and it spoke to me.

This was about 69, 70.

I became very politicized. I became a woman's liberal, as we used to call it

then. We had a table we set up on the grand concourse. We'd give out

We actually, twice a year, would turn our storefront into a clinic.

and we provided free pap smears for the neighborhood women.

So here I am sitting around during meetings with the women's group. While

there, I would do these sketches of my sisters.

Friday nights, we turned it into a little, like, coffee house.

Bronx Coalition Coffee House presentation by the Women's Collective,

Woman?

Equal rights to have a job, to have respect, not be viewed as a piece of

Equal rights to set forth our own humanity.

One of our big platforms was equal pleasure.

And that meant that we wanted our partners to understand us, to know our

and to listen to us and give us equal time in bed. And that's not what's

happening now.

Lady Cheeky is a photo blog.

It started as a photo blog. It became popular, and it sort of grew into a

where I would blog erotic photos that depict real

passion, that depict female enjoyment.

This is my every morning.

After you do this for a while, too, you see how different everything is.

Well, I mean, you've got your hardcore, and then you have your older man,

younger woman.

You have your nature shots.

The Danes and the Swedes, I mean, that is some weird shit.

Some just want to show the girl being submissive, and it's all about the man's

pleasure.

I think that's hot.

Sometimes I can't really qualify for it. I just think it's kind of sexy.

Even if I'm not feeling particularly sexy, because we all would.

And even if I'm not in a relationship or sexual

partnership or whatever, one can forget that they are sexual beings, you know,

paying the gas and walking the dog and doing everyday stuff.

We participate usually in general on every level.

Except we put sex on the back burner.

And I think it drives people crazy.

It drives me crazy.

A flood tide of filth is engulfing our country in the form of newsstand

obscenity. It is threatening to pervert an entire generation of our American

children. They constantly portray abnormal sexual behavior as being

They glorify unnatural sex acts.

They tell youngsters that it's smart, it's thrilling, it provides kicks to be

homosexual, a sadist, and every other kind of deviant.

But actually, these magazines not only display complete nudity, but they do so

in a perverted manner.

Such is this appeal to the sodomist.

Such is these shots, which are typical of the preoccupation with the female

breast. to a point that it has become a fetish.

And this one, with its overtones of bestiality.

You want to go out, huh?

I was talented. I was good in school. I never caused trouble.

But my father was just mean to me.

I realized that in therapy. I was like, what are you talking about?

Dad didn't adore you. He was horrible to you.

And I think he showed more of that when I was a little girl because I was safe,

but not when I grew up.

It suddenly finally dawned on me that he didn't adore me because when I hit

my teens, he became very uncomfortable with my sister and I.

I think he was afraid of his own impulses.

He definitely showed inappropriate.

interested in my sister.

First of all, I was actually rejected because the only affection anyone got

hers. And the message was that the only way you know someone really loves you is

if they desire you sexually.

That's the most important thing for a young woman is to be sexually desirable.

And so it really directed my life from there on in.

I was looking for extra work.

I answered an ad for nude modeling.

Coffee, Mr. Weinman. And the agent asked me if I was interested in being in an

adult movie, and I was so insulted I stormed out of the office. And I told my

boyfriend at the time, and also a friend, a girlfriend of mine, and they

thought it was a great idea.

So I went to the film set, and I was very impressed. I had the same idea that

probably most people had, that it was very sleazy and, you know, have some

guy behind the camera.

And there were those people, but that's not who I saw that day. And I decided to

give it a try.

Actually,

it was not easy.

I was shy.

It felt weird. But the money was great.

I got into it in San Francisco, and I followed a boyfriend to L .A. who turned

out to be a real creep.

He was like a very cute Mick Jagger. He was really cute, but he was

into bad drugs, and he pulled me in for them.

L .A. is about the worst place you could be as a lost young person, not knowing

what they want to do with their lives.

What began as just, you know, opening your mind up, trying new things, smoking

little pot, taking a little acid, a little mescaline, eventually led to far

dangerous drugs.

And once you get on that train, it's hard to stop it. And I didn't have the

resilience at the time and the confidence to keep going.

And I think I just lost my way.

Hey, you can just set that thing down anywhere. We got a...

Important thing to discuss, you know? Well, I just bet we do.

I was definitely suffering from some guilt and shame.

You know, doing something that was so taboo, it's just not done.

Good women don't do this.

You know, I was a tainted woman.

And I essentially closed the door to many things.

It was reckless, actually.

I just reached this sort of like rock bottom point where I was just completely

dissatisfied with who I had become, with where I was in my life.

And I couldn't really imagine a way forward.

Unless I change something, right? Unless I finally address it.

I remember one night just like breaking down and I went to the

drugstore and I like got some makeup and I went home and I put my makeup

on and I just like cried because I thought that it meant that I was going

hell. I thought I had even more damned myself because I had already tried to

it away once. I thought that I was weak.

I thought that I was failing myself and failing God.

Slowly, I started to realize what I had been put through.

I started to realize the sort of brainwashing that had led me to view the

in the way that I viewed the world, that had caused me to have the kind of

shameful feelings that I had.

And slowly I sort of gained confidence to say, no, I'm not going to hell.

In fact, I don't believe in hell. I don't believe in God.

But I do believe that people should be able to be happy. And I don't believe in

prescribing people's behavior, you know, in the service of ideology.

This is Corey, part John R.

Kidding people.

Corey and I met in Bloomington, Indiana, at the Kinsey Institute for Research in

Sex, Gender, and Reproduction.

And we met on a Wednesday, and we had sex for the first time on Thursday

Who are you?

Just a big boo in this world.

I'm just a little boo in this world.

The amazing thing about the sexual dynamics that I have with Corey is that

everything is just totally open and totally honest. And having a

about what we want to do sexually is as simple as having a conversation about

where we want to go for dinner.

There are a lot of barriers that used to be there for me in past relationships

that are not there anymore.

I was often sort of with heterosexual women who had been raised to think of

and intimacy in a very particular way that involved very particular acts and

very particular sequences of those acts.

And while some of them sort of felt inclined to

explore more adventurous territory, it was always under the guise of the

right? It was just like...

Ooh, that would be an interesting thing to try, but we need to stay on this sort

of, like, main path of one very particular kind of intercourse. When you

detach yourself from that world and from that worldview, so many other

possibilities open up.

Yeah, this is too hot. They're not going to be able to show this on Canadian

public television.

I guess a lot has happened since we first started corresponding on email.

The Indiegogo wrapped up a few days ago, and Corey and I made almost $11

,000 to pay for my sex reassignment surgery.

I didn't know that I wanted it when I started hormones, but after

things got really tricky downstairs.

Not in a physical way, right? I like still having great orgasms, having

orgasms than I was before.

But my feelings about what's there

aesthetically have really shifted.

Is there a good hairspray in it?

Oh,

this is recording?

Mm -hmm. Damn.

One of the most painful things for me to deal with is that I can't even look.

I can't even look at what's going on or where Corey is touching me or how Corey

is touching me without feeling awful, without feeling just like sick.

It's been a really painful thing to navigate, right? Because while we have

incredible sex, there's still something being held back.

because I'm still kind of, like, caught up on something.

And it's hard to talk about this without kind of enshrining normative ways of

thinking about gender and genitals, right?

So I do have to preface this by saying it's all about individual preference,

it's all about meaning, and everyone can signify things in their own way.

Does my hair record better than it takes a picture?

It looks great, I think.

I know it needs to happen, not

because it's something that trans people do, but because it's something that I

want. It's something that I deeply want.

I look back at the last four years of my sexual journey from not enjoying sex to

be voraciously having sex and wanting it. And that whole arc,

I just followed my libido. I lived

in my sexuality. I overcorrected and slept with anything that walked.

I have a bit of a sense of humor, so when things go wrong or when I'm scared

I'm in a dangerous situation, I tend to make light of it, you know.

So I will have done these surprising things.

You would never, ever, ever do, and you would never want your children or your

best friends to do.

I did, and can't believe I didn't.

I mean, I remember driving to this bar at 1 o 'clock in the morning. He was a

bartender there. He was closing up the bar, and he's like, that's the sex in

bar. I've got a really huge dick.

And I thought, well, I've never had a really huge dick.

Let's see what that's like.

Well, let me just tell you, it's not everything it's cracked up to be.

A 12 -inch hard penis, bruised cervix.

Let's just say bruised cervix. Not fun.

And he was so proud of it.

And it was just, you know, I was a little scared. I was a little

And you just never know what you're getting. I mean, he, like, slapped me in

middle of sex.

Like, that was going to turn me on. Oh, gosh, no.

I don't really like that.

My therapist said, you've been starving, and someone gave you a moldy, half

-eaten, half -sandwich, and you're treating it like a gourmet meal.

I wanted to have sex. I wanted to feel cherished. And I wanted someone to be

attracted to me. I wanted to tear my clothes off. I mean, I don't see now.

What's wrong with that?

How we judge ourselves is how we judge other people.

So I was suppressing all of this sexuality.

When I would see other women expressing their sexuality, I'd be like, a slut.

Because there's so much shame attached to women actively wanting it and

making it a priority in their life, there aren't enough women who feel they

the agency for their own pleasure to

go forth and attract it or grab it and do

it. It doesn't have to be like that.

We are going to Playboy Radio's In Bed with Jessica Drake.

I wish I felt better physically at the moment because I'm getting over the

flu or whatever I have.

But I'm excited. I like her. I like her a lot. Thanks for hanging around.

I'm Jessica Drake, and we are live in bed today here on Playboy Radio.

Please welcome to the show Elle Chase.

She's a blogger, she's an author, she's a sex educator and a coach, and she is

committed to empowering women, especially women over 40 and women with

-esteem and body image issues, to seek and untether their natural sensual

within without shame. Please welcome to the show, Elle Chase. Let's talk for a

minute about what a pivotal, defining moment may have been for you before you

became a sex educator.

Blogs started getting popular and people started asking me questions.

And I thought, why are they asking me a question?

I'm just posting pictures. Don't ask me.

Go ask somebody who's qualified.

I have over a decade in the adult industry and I too was being asked all

those sex questions. And to me, that was a really pivotal moment when a woman

came to a signing that I was doing.

with her partner and tell me she wasn't having orgasms and they had been married

for 15 years and he thought she was having orgasms and i knew that even

a degree i could do something to help her when a woman tells me that she can't

orgasm with a partner or when a woman tells me she's uncomfortable

or uncomfortable doing anything i just tell her that she needs some She just

needs to take time with herself and to nurture herself and be comfortable with

herself first. And it translates into confidence.

And then as soon as we're comfortable and confident in bed, that's when we

right? Like that's when we learn new things.

Your big, beautiful sex workshop. Yes. Tell me how that came about.

Well, I'm a big girl and I have sex.

Good. And I have friends and followers who are also people of size.

And I would get asked questions about, wow, you know, I really want to do this

or I really want to do that. And also, I really like that you will show, you

know, porn or erotic photos of women of size that aren't, you know, fetishistic.

There's nothing wrong with fetishizing as long as it's consensual and you're

enjoying it too. I have no problem dating and I have no problem finding

to have sex with that I enjoy and enjoys me.

And I found that women out there just do not understand that. And it's not just

about being overweight or plus size.

Everyone's got something.

Where can we see you next? I'm going to be at Kama Sutra Closet in Ventura. I

love her. And I love being able to...

To talk about something I'm so passionate about with someone else who's

passionate about it.

She is a very good sex educator. I am becoming a good sex educator, I think.

this world needs more of us and more of us that are not judgmental about things.

All righty, you guys.

Who's hungry?

Who's hungry?

All right. I had to admit to myself at

a certain point that I had a lot of conflict about it.

I think part of it was because the movies were just so shame -based.

They were shame -based. I mean, I think that porn looks the way it does because

it reflects our attitudes towards sex.

I know that

one of the most intense fantasies for women is the rape fantasy.

My theory is that we are so afraid to lose control and to give up that control

that we end up...

Unable to let go enough to really feel pleasure and to have an orgasm

I Did have

conflict when I was asked to do that That was very difficult for me. I wasn't

happy about it I don't have a lot of memory about it, but I know that I was

conflicted

I had to really look at some very ugly feelings inside, you know, of feeling

ashamed and embarrassed. And I had to separate out how I really felt about the

whole issue of performing sexually as opposed to what society tells me I'm

supposed to think about it. And that's a hard thing to do.

I got out, and I really felt like I had to...

I had to look at this conflict, these feelings I was having, because I didn't

want to drag a bunch of baggage behind me.

And so I put myself into therapy. I found a woman who had actually been a

worker at one time in her life.

I knew she wouldn't judge me.

And I got to work. I got to work on myself.

came from reclaiming that really beautiful, pure, sensual aspect of

my sexuality.

So I felt that there was nothing wrong with the concept of people performing

people watching, if it was all consensual, but that pornography lacked

anything really positive and beautiful.

I started to think about, you know, gee, what would it be like to create movies?

that have a woman's voice.

You would have seen some productions up here.

And it was, what was it? It was 11... I realized that Candida Royale wasn't

going away.

My name was getting bigger than ever again. There was a resurgence of my work

because now it was coming out on video and cable TV.

I just decided, you know what? I think I would like to take a stand at it. I'm

the perfect person.

I already have a scar letter on me.

Our next guest is a true veteran of the adult film industry who set out to

produce movies specifically geared toward a woman's enjoyment.

Let's welcome Candida Royale. Candida, great to have you here.

You are a true pioneer.

Because you, what year did you start your company? 1984.

1984, and the films that they were making back then were not geared towards

women, really, predominantly.

You know, I try to make real -life situations.

The sex is more sensual. It's not as hardcore. I don't have the typical money

shot. It was ironic because what was really meant to just put closure to

Royale.

opened up this whole Pandora's box. Thank you. I'm sorry, what's going on?

Yes, Venus, what's the problem?

I'm sorry. What gives you the right to say what women really want? Because

that's what you want? Well, what gives you the right to say what women don't

want?

I mean... Venus, with all due respect. Sure, I

don't believe that when we have a society...

Have a shame based thing like pornography and it is shameful but to a

people it isn't shameful Oh, it is the woman that came out here. They don't

their children to it Excuse me if it's not thankful. Why can't their children

come?

I Think I think first of all what gives me the right is that it's a free country

And we have the right to express ourselves.

It's part of our Constitution.

And if you don't want to view it, you don't have to. It's not forced on you.

I ended up deciding I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to go right back in there and start doing something that speaks to

women, speaks to men, speaks to all of us, and helps us navigate this really

messed up sense of ourselves.

And that was it. We did our first movie, Femme, in April.

And we did the second two in the summer.

What was so much fun was when I would meet people, go to a party or an event

something. Men had more problem with it than women. Men would get a little

flustered, a little intimidated by it all. But women, you know, they would

so what do you do?

And I would take a deep breath and then finally say.

I make erotic adult movies from a woman's point of view.

And their faces would light up. Where can I find it? I've been wanting

like that. Women would say things like, oh, my gosh, after 10 years of marriage

and three kids, you know, I can't tell you how wonderful it is, how much you've

helped our marriage. Men would write and say, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm insulted that everyone assumes all men like the porn that's out there.

I was one of the only women of my generation to have the

whatever it took to come together and make this happen.

Having a vagina means being able to receive something,

right? To receive something in a way that aesthetically and

mechanically lines up with my experience of my own sexuality.

400 maxi pads are you happy i got you that the surgery

is becoming real to me in a way that it hasn't yet right it's getting really

close you're so cute it is really scary and that i have no idea what it's gonna

be like you know like i'm just gonna

wake up and have a completely nosed head of genitals that i've never touched or

handled before and i will have no idea how it works and like no amount of

reading like no amount of reading anatomy or like physiology textbooks is

to help me like understand i actually really like it i'll wear this to dallas

okay i'll wear this to dallas

Maybe we won't be killed.

Yeah, no, seriously, if I look like a fucking country bitch and you just look

like a queer younger sister or something, like, what are you excited

Okay.

I don't, like, well, I'm also excited for you to be happy and, like, feel more

comfortable and it does, it's not, you know, that much fun

to, like, watch you.

be unhappy that your parents are like clothing and like no matter what

context it's in and this is just one avenue to make that to improve that this

us getting ready to go

I might not have known the whole time that I had to transition, but I

knew that there was something big that I was deferring, that I was

scared of, that I was running away from.

I knew that I wouldn't be comfortable for my entire life just wearing a dress

the floor.

But out of fear,

laziness even, I really put off answering that question

for myself and really kind of diving deep into

my desires and figuring out what needed to happen.

Well,

what's surprising, one of the things that's surprising about the surgery is

it hurts less than people imagine.

Almost uniformly.

The potential space is there in everyone.

Remember, everyone starts out female.

They're all there. This isn't like we're inventing something that's preposterous

or, you know, we're putting a new, you know, we're not putting a new leg on a

donkey or something.

This is a space that was already there.

So we're just lining it and developing it, as would happen if you were.

meant to remain female. All right. I am going to listen to you first.

These surgeries are so important to people that you want to take each one as

individual as possible.

Well, the way my parents found out that I was in movies way back years ago was

really pretty horrible.

I then did call my mother and she was amazing. She said, well,

you're still my daughter. I still love you. That I just, I can't imagine my

little candy doing that.

And she said, in a way I envy you because it sounds like you worked out

issues with men.

So that was pretty amazing. And the truth is that my mother really grew to

respect the business I started and how successful I made my life.

And my father, when, you know, when we spoke of it, I said, gee, Dad, I feel

kind of strange talking about this with you.

You know, sex and all that. And he said, you know, with all the things people

do, politicians lie, they cheat people, people kill each other, they're cruel to

each other.

All you're doing is bringing pleasure to people's lives.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

It validated me in

his eyes.

And made me feel less ashamed for sure in his eyes.

I'm going to talk to you about three things to pick up your app.

I'm a big fan of Jimmy Jane, and I'll tell you why.

I can't

imagine having gone through life being the way I was.

No passion.

No romantic love. No, none of that.

and no sensuality.

How often do you come here?

I like to come here at least once every month or six weeks or something. I want

to see what's new. This is the Rebel I was telling you about. They actually

devised a brand -new motor. They invented a brand -new motor, and it's

like the sonic toothbrushes. You're supposed to glide it on your clit.

This thing's great, too. I love this EV.

And it kind of also looks like a Starship Enterprise. I do have one of

actually wear it and drive with it.

I mean, look how fast it goes.

People go nuts for this.

This Jimmy Jane clitoral vibe that looks like a tooth.

It's fucking fantastic.

The great thing about this is, for me, it was the perfect rabbit.

Your sexuality does not have to be tied into your body image.

There's lots of literature out there, but there's no literature saying that

can have bad body image and still find yourself sexy.

People have squirted for the first time on this.

Oddly, this didn't make me squirt, but I did squirt for the first time a couple

weeks ago, which is kind of news.

I know I didn't tell you, did I?

Let's talk about dildos, shall we? This one's my favorite.

These things are sex lifesavers. You don't have to hold up your arms while

you're...

It's about the flaws that we think we have

and how much we think they matter really impedes our enjoyment of not

just sex, but just of life.

I know what I want.

I know I can look back and see what I've accomplished.

I can see mistakes I've made.

And I can see the whole journey from beginning to middle.

And I just think, I think that I'm at a beginning of another chapter.

I have more shame at this point, more embarrassment talking about loneliness

than talking about sex.

I'll tell you the temperature of my vagina.

But to tell you that I'm lonely feels very much like

when I wanted sex. I wanted to feel that sexuality

so badly and wanted to have that guy just come over and felt

I would slut shame myself, basically.

It's the same sort of shame.

Because I think that it's worse to be lonely.

and admit that you're lonely than it is to admit that you're sexual in

society's eyes.

And it scares me to say to people I'm lonely.

It scares me to tell you that I'm lonely.

Because there's a certain amount of vulnerability, and when you're

you're open to having your feelings hurt in whatever way.

And, you know, I don't know who's going to be watching this when this comes out.

You know, I don't know if I'll be in the middle of a relationship or if I'll

just have my second date with someone and just go, oh, you know, talking about

loneliness on the fucking documentary. Hi.

So, but I am.

But the loneliness, at least the loneliness now, it's not half as lonely

as I was when I was married.

I'm sad Corey can't be here. Corey's sad she can't be here, but she's got stuff

to take care of. Yeah, she was cute before she left.

She came over and she was like, can I just look?

And I was like, you can't see anything. The dressing is going to be on there for

another day. And she just stood up here and held the ice pack up and was just

like, wow.

How do you feel?

I feel incredible. I feel great.

I just feel elated, too elated to be in this bed, and I'll be able to get out of

it tomorrow.

But, yeah, I'm just, like, incredibly happy.

It doesn't feel strange or different so much that it feels like I feel at home.

You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't feel like, oh, my God, it's gone. It

feels like, oh, finally, this feels like I've, like, wanted it to feel for a

long time.

There's a lot of work and healing to do between now and, like, actually making

use of it in a sexual way. But, like, the immediate just, like, psychological

benefits are so, like, overwhelming that I don't even care that it's, you know,

covered in blood and ice and gauze and stuff.

I just care that it's there.

Up until now, like, figuring out my sexuality has felt like something that

had to do in the dark, you know? And I'm just... I'm just kind of

overwhelmed that I don't have to do that anymore, you know?

That I have a partner determined to show me how things work and

who's ready to figure out what this means for us.

who's going to be there to help me, like, readjust and that kind of thing.

just, like, such a different experience from growing up as, like, a closeted

transgender kid not having any idea what's going on with you, your body,

understanding of yourself, or, like, how you want to be with other people to

being in this, like, incredibly, like...

loving and supportive network of people who help each other and help you figure

yourself out.

I'm just glad I'm not taking any more tips in the dark.

It's really hard for me to say what's next because I've been hit with probably

the biggest challenge of my life.

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer.

On the light side, it's pretty ironic that my whole adult

career seems to have been around sex and eros, and here I get

an illness that's all around hormones that...

you know, we produce in order to have sex.

It's been very traumatic, and it certainly gives you a sense of urgency.

I've taken great care of myself.

I'm in really good shape, and I fully intended to have a very rich

stage three, chapter three. I don't want that robbed from me.

They removed everything that was at all hormone -producing.

I don't have much sexuality anymore.

I really don't have sexuality left.

It's very sad.

And it's a dilemma for women in my situation that they really don't know

do for.

Even your ability to conjure up fantasies and desire is so...

Driven by the chemicals in your body the hormone so that without those hormones

I don't really it's hard to even come up with the old fantasies

I

Loved that I loved that I had such great sex and I I went

all the way from the continuum of just touching, all the way to just

fucking, really fuck me hard.

Fuck me, fuck me hard. Just do me, pound me.

You know, all the way, the whole continuum.

And it was just delicious.

I think it's important for women to have the freedom to explore their sexuality

because it's part of who we are. It's part of what makes us who we are.

If we're all repressed over on this other side, I don't believe that we can

burst forth and be this confident, creative,

expressive person just in one area of our lives, but not over here.

Put that away.

The more you try to repress something because you're ashamed of it, the bigger

and more powerful it gets.