All language subtitles for The Lone Gunmen - 1x06

[ Grunts ]

[ Woman ]
...four easy payments--

[ Man ]...and increasing clouds,
chance of rain with--

[ Woman Talking, Indistinct ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Man On TV] Get out of the car!
Get your hands up!

Get on the ground!

[ Officer ]
Hands up, passenger. Get down!

- I'm down.
- Get on your back.

Get your hands--
Get your other hand back.

[ Man Grunts ]

[ Officer ]
You're under arrest.

A teaspoon of garlic powder.

[ Male Announcer] If you're a homeowner,
crafter, do-it-yourselfer...

trade professional or confirmed tool nut
that loves to work with your ha--

[ Sniffs ]

[ Grunts ]

(music) [ Humming ]

Yeah.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Man On TV]
Available in any power tool.

Future technology today. Like these
high-intensity, never-fail L.E.D. headlights...

that let you see your work even in
the lowest lighting conditions.

Almost indestructible.

[ Sniffs ]

Conveniently stored onboard,
as is the adjusting wrench--

- Honey.
- Hey, what are you doing with your hand?

[ All Screaming ]

- What the hell is this?
- Who are you people and what
are you doing in my bed?

[ Horns Honking ]

That must be him.

Hmm. Okay.

Jimmy, I just want to remind you--

That I'm only here to observe. Absolutely.

But my name goes on the story, right?

You took the call,
so your name goes on the story--

if we publish it.

- That's a big ''if.''
- [ Chuckles ] ''Big if.''

Man, my first story.

- Adam Burgess?
- Yes, yes. Adam Burgess. That's me.

John Byers. This is my associateJimmy
whom you spoke with on the phone.

Thank you.
Thank you so much for coming.

I was worried you weren't
going to show up, and I am just--

Uh, Mr. Burgess, ifJimmy
understood you correctly...

you're the victim of some form of
identity theft, is that right?

- My whole life is gone.
- I'm sure it can feel that way.

It's certainly a growing
problem on the Internet.

What was accessed?
Uh,your bank accounts? Your credit cards?

No, no, no.
My whole life is gone.

Uh, there's strangers
living in my house.

Lois, my wife, I don't know
where she is now.

Neighbors, they don't know
who I am anymore. Police cars chasing me.

I tell you. I thought
I was losing my mind.

But then last night, when I was spending the
night in the Dumpster behind the pet store...

I saw this.

Ooh. Thus explaining
the smell of cat urine.

Yeah. Well, when I saw this paper...

I knew that you would be
the people who would believe me.

- Who would understand.
- Understand what?

That I'm from a parallel reality
and that aliens brought me here.

It's the only explanation
that makes any sense at all.

Everything in my life exists as it
always has. Home, neighborhood, everything.

But I am a stranger in this reality.

And I have proof. I think.

Proof of alien contact.

Take a look at this.

I found this in every crevice
of my body, all over.

Everywhere.

[ Quietly ]
Everywhere.

I believe this is alien goo...

and my body was submerged in this
to keep me alive in space.

I'm sorry. We can't help you.

- What?
- I'm sure there are professionals who can.

No. Wait, wait.
Please, I'm not crazy.

I'm sorry.
Uh, best of luck to you.

Listen. My name is Adam Burgess.
I live at 43 Deck Street.

I have a wife that loves me.
All I wanna do is go home.

Please. Please.
I just want my life back.

[ Whispering ]
I'm sorry.

What about the alien goo?

Jimmy-- [ Exhales ]

I don't think real alien goo
smells like lavender hand lotion.

There's no story here.

Byers.

But what about that?

Is it the aliens?
Did the aliens do this? Or the government?

Or aliens working
for the government?

I think we need to have a little meeting
before we come up with a definitive answer.

Gentlemen.

Byers, where did you find this guy?

He found us or, rather,Jimmy.

Yeah, figures. Anyway, I'm not ready to
call Mulder just yet.

- How do you explain his neck?
- Maybe self-mutilation.

We should check to see
if his nipples are pierced.

There's nothing alien about this space goo.
It's basically udder cream.

Use it for lubricating a cow
when you're jerking it for milk.

Why was it all over his body?

Yeah, we don't need to go there.

The guy's obviously a nutjob.

I say we introduce
his lubricated butt to the door.

I was ready to dismiss him too,
but-but that thing in the back ofhis neck...

looks to me like an electrical contact,
and he didn't even know he had it.

Somebody surgically implanted it. Why?

What is it?

Uh, what is all of this?

- This?
- Yeah.

Well, this is Bessie.
She's sort of a homemade M.R.I. machine.

A big magnet's gonna take
a picture of your head.

- Is it safe?
-Just so long as I don't get it near your testicles.

Do I know you from someplace?

- You look familiar to me.
- I have one of those faces.

Okay. Let's assume the position.

- [ Machine Whirring ]
- Oh.

Sorry.

We have brain.

- That answers one question.
- Look at this.

It is a contact.
Connected to some sort of wiring.

Laced all through his cerebral cortex.
What the hell is this?

Yeah, yeah. That's it.
It's 43 Deck Street. That's my house.

- [ Engine Off]
- Yeah? Prove it.

Prove it. Okay.

Okay. Every morning about this time...

Frank Langdon goes to work with
his newspaper and his cup of coffee.

And his wife, Susie, usually chases him out
with a good-bye kiss.

- [ Susie ] Good-bye, honey.
- Good-bye.

Oh.Jimmy Gaganza.

Hejust took upjogging,
but he can't seem to beat the butts.

[ Coughing ]

And, uh, over here.

Old nosy Rosie. She's always watching
everybody's business.

Now, if you want, we can wait here for 1 5
minutes for Karen the college student.

Uh, no underwear. I, uh, rearranged
my work schedule for that one.

You see what I'm talking about.
This is my home. My neighborhood.

Yeah, only the Maryland
real estate records say it's not.

Furthermore, we can't find
any record on you whatsoever.

No driver's license.
No social security number.

Not even a Blockbuster card.
It's like you don't exist.

But I do.Just in a reality
parallel to yours.

It-It's gotta be
the aliens. I'm telling you.

Adam, can we leave aside the aliens...

and look for a more earthbound explanation?

Which is?

- I swear I know you.
- Byers, can we switch seats?

How does a man get to know a place
so completely...

in such vivid detail, when every indication
is that he's never lived there?

Jimmy, how many huts
are there on Gilligan's Island?

Four. Not including the tree house Gilligan
built the time he thought nobody liked him.

Exactly.

Blackout. You're good to go.

Hey. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

How'd I know
that was there? Hmm?

Byers, I'm sorry. I still don't follow.

You're thinking that
Adam never actually lived here...

but instead he watched
the house on TV?

Through hidden cameras. Maybe somehow
the images were fed through...

the input wiring in the back of his neck.

That's crazy. I lived my life.
I didn't watch it on TV.

So why cut the power to the house?

Because if Byers is right, we have to kill
the live feed or we get videotaped ourselves.

Less talking, more stalking.
Let's get this over with.

Wh-What about me?
What do I do?

- I wouldn't.
- Come on, guys.

I took the call.
Technically, it is my story.

[ Langly ] Journalism kindergarten.
I'll check the bedroom.

That's it, kid. Keep riding.

There we go. Nothing to see.

Perfect. Of course.
I could see that coming.

[ Beeps,
High-pitched Whir]

- You found something?
- I don't know. Could be.

- Who are you?
- I'm with the city.

We're checking the groundwater
for high levels of magnesium.

Known to cause uncontrollable drooling
in prepubescent children.

- What's behind your back?
- Nothing.

[ Beeping ]

- [ High-pitched Whir]
- My God. Maybe he was right.

I saw you messing around with
that box. You did something.

- Oh, is that so, Einstein?
- I think you're a burglar.

- What's behind your back?
- It's gonna be an ass paddle
if you don't back off, kid.

[ High-pitched Whir]

We gotta see what this is.

[ Whirring ]

Wh-Whoa, I-I don't think
that's a good idea.

This is my house. I need to know
what's going on in my own house.

Byers. Langly.

[ Whirring, Faint ]

What's that noise?
I'm telling my mom on you.

Whoa, little man.
Let's keep it friendly.

What do you say?
Five bucks make it right, huh?

[ Groans ]
Oh! Son of a--

You better run,
you little bastard. Hey!

- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- I need to know!

- Come here. I don't think so.
- [ Siren Chirps ]

I guess this looks bad.

I guess this looks worse.

[ Rapid Beeping ]

[ Rapid Beeping ]

Dr. Devico, we're off-line.
Disturbance at the source.

Send someone out there
to check. It may be him.

What about the test subjects?
They're coming out of it.

Put them in sleep mode... for now.

Oh! Dear God.

I told you to face the wall.

What the hell's the matter with you?

My nipples hurt.

What are you looking at?

- [ Yawning ]
- Man, we're screwed.

There is no law against
a man vandalizing his own house.

It's not your house.
Get it through that slot in your head.

You carved up some stranger's living room
and now we're on the hook for it.

- Langly.
- Why? Why would someone
wanna pump his head...

full of images of a happy, suburban life?

- Make him think he's got a home
and a wife and all that?
- I do have a home and a wife.

Says you. If Byers is right, you can't tell
the difference between fantasy and reality.

I have a home and a wife. Lois.

If Byers is right, you could be somebody
completely different and not even know it.

Judas H. Priest!

You go on and on and on and on and on,
yammering like some little nancy.

If you don't shut that hole,
I'm gonna stick my thumbs in your eyes...

and ride you like a pogo stick!

I'm just gonna-- I'm--

Did I just say that? I am sorry.

- [ Breathing Heavily ]
- Wow.

I d-- You see that screw?

You see the screw? Hey! Hey!

Flatfoot. Shouldn't we be having
our morning slop by now? Hey!

- Hey!
- Somebody else entirely.

Well, isn't this cozy?

So, who's gonna tell me
what I'm paying for?

[ Man ] Sanders back. Hand-off
to Rawlings, and he's got nowhere to go.

- Oh, a beautiful spin to break free.
- You just take it easy.

Oh, looks like he's got
a two to three yard gain...

before he was brought down
by several Tiger backs.

Basically what you're looking at here is
a cross-section of Mr. Burgess's brain.

This is the top and this is the bottom.

This is the front. That's the back.

- What do you make of these?
- Conduits for electrical stimuli.

Possibly behavior modification.

If so, who was he
before they modified him?

TVs. Stereos. Speakers. DVD players.

CD players. Video recorders.

They call me Maniac Marvin.
But they can't stop me.

He's escaped.

I love this guy.

[ Yells ]

[ Grunting ]

- [ Yelling ]
- They turned me loose.

I honestly don't know
what came over me, guys.

I mean, I have never even
heard of this Maniac Marvin.

I can't imagine why the mere sight of him
would cause me to react like that.

That's what we hope to find out.
This man may know you.

- Right now, he's the only lead we have.
- Well, let's do it.

Uh-uh. Maniac Adam
stays here with me.

We can't afford the damage bill
if he loses it again.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

I'm looking for Adam Burgess.
He was arrested last night...

along with some people at this address.

Is he here?

Can you tell me where I can find him?
Please. He needs me.

I'm sorry. You are?

I'm Lois. His wife.

And would it kill you to try to push
the warranties a little harder?

Make it sound like something they can't
live without. Like air, for God's sake.

- Oh, man. It's really him.
- I got my eye on you.

- You the gentlemen who had the question?
- Aw, man. You are a maniac.

That's funny.
[ Imitates Parrot Squawking ]

You should, like, wear a pirate's hat.

The eye patch is for real. I wear a glass eye
during the commercial shoots.

So let me guess. You gentlemen bought
the Yokahiro wide-screen TV...

and now you want a refund because the picture
looks like a fun-house mirror?

Tell you something. The Yokahiro needs a
break-in period. That way it gives the ions...

- a chance to bond with the vertical hold,
then you get--
- No, sir. Uh...

Do you recognize this man?

I can't say I do. Is that it?

[ Growling Softly ]

[ Burgess Yells ]

This guy got all hot and sloppy
when he saw my face, is that right?

I guess I have that effect
on people-- the ladies mostly.

[ Laughs ] Sorry, gents,
but I can't help you.

[ Langly Screaming ]

Aw, damn.

[ Burgess Yelling ]

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

I-I-- Really, I'm just very, very sorry.

- Blow it out your neck hole, weirdo.
- Langly.

The guy spazzes at the sight of stereo
salesmen and midgets.

- Who knows what else
is gonna set him off next.
- Let's find out.

We pulled this video grab from
the outside security camera.

Do you know this woman?

That's Lois. My God, you found her.

Th-This is my wife.
This is my beautiful--

- Where is she?
- She's not your wife. She only claims to be.

What are you talking about?

We think she's your keeper,
and you're her lab rat.

She wouldn't tell us much, only that you were
undergoing some sort of therapy.

She says she was transporting you someplace
and that there was a car accident.

Apparently,you just
wandered away from the scene.

And found your way home,
or what you thought was home.

She wouldn't tell us
about those wires in your brain...

but we think they allow you to see things
and hear things and feel things...

but we think they allow you to see things
and hear things and feel things...

that aren't really there--
things she wants you to see.

You two are crazier
than I am. Now, where is Lois?

Uh, we told her
we didn't know where you were.

We figured you could use a little time.

You owe it to yourself
to find out who you really are.

I know who I am.

- I'm Adam Burgess.
- No.

There's no record of an Adam Burgess
because Adam Burgess doesn't exist.

You're someone else.
You need to remember who.

[ Growling ]

[ Yelling ]

- Get off me!
-[ Yelling Continues ]

Get off me!

I am not you! I will never be you!

Never! Never! Never!

[ Announcer]
And that Dwarf Santini is furious.

He's making his case
to the ref right now.

- [ Continues ]
- This man. The Dwarf Santini.

- This is who you thought you saw?
- [ Yelling ]

- Yeah.
- You said you'll never be like him.
Who is he to you?

[ Announcer ] It's hard to see from here,
but whatever it was, it was just dirty.

And look out. Santini has
Poco Diablo in a headlock.

Oh, there. He's down.
Poco Diablo is down.

[ Yelling ]

[ Grunting Angrily ]

[ Panting ]

Your true identity
better turn out to be rich.

Can you tell us why
that man makes you so angry?

What man?

The DwarfSantini,you re--

[ Sighs Heavily ]

So where do we find this guy?

We don't. He's been dead for years.

He has a daughter however.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Keep your shirt on.

They've turned me loose.

You are such a dip. Come in.

Sweetie, you don't ever call me back.

- I'm busy, you know. I got a life.
- I know. I know.

I was just wondering--

You think any more about
what we talked about?

- I wanna be part of your life.
- I'm still married, Marvin.

I know. I know that.
It's-- [ Exhales ]

It's just that
I've been doing some thinking.

I want you to get that divorce.
He's out of your life.

You haven't seen him
for a year. Ayear, Sadie.

He doesn't love you anymore.

Marry me and I'll move you out
of this dump and into a nice place.

You and me. Man and wife.

I can't marry you. You don't love me.
Not after that crack you made.

- What crack?
- Oh, don't play stupid, stupid.

You know. You're all about the sex.
It's all you want.

[ Chuckles ] Oh. You mean when I said,
''It takes a little lady to get me off big''?

- Yeah. You are such a pig.
- I know.

But that's what
you love about me, baby.

[ Exhales ] Yeah, I know.

- Turn me loose, big boy.
- [ Laughs ]

[ Disgusted Sound ]
Who would live here?

''Muckle.'' Muckle.

What does that sound like,
a last name or a sex act?

It's the married name
of one Sadie Santini...

who is, apparently, very much
her father's daughter.

She spent some time on the midget
wrestling circuit.

- This I gotta see.
-[ Burgess Breathing Loudly ]

Yeah. Yeah!

Adam. Adam!

- You!
- Oh, no!

Oh!

I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna take your other eye
out this time, pal!

Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine!

- Charlie, where the hell have you been?
- Charlie? Is that your name?

Charlie... Muckle.

Muckle. Charlie Muckle.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Now I'm remembering everything.

Lois?

I was afraid I'd find you here.

Charlie, we need to talk.

[ Loud Sigh ]

My name is Charlie Muckle,
and I'm an alcoholic.

And I have anger issues.
And I shoplift.

And I fill my tank with gas
and drive off without paying...

and sometimes I cruise the old-folks'home,
uh, acting like a visitor...

and then I go through their mail,
looking for Social Security checks.

And I expose myself
in public... sometimes.

But only to women
who think they're hot stuff.

Don't forget.
You got my best friend pregnant.

Oh, yeah. Yeah-- Well, yeah...

did that too.

- And you despise Charlie, don't you?
- Yes.

Which is why you were willing to let me
help you become Adam Burgess.

- Burgess.
- Charlie, you let this woman brainwash you?

Well, it was either that or doing 2 4 months
for putting out Marvin's eye...

the last time I caught
you two in bed together.

Talk to Marvin.
He knew all about it.

Hey, you told me that you dropped
the charges and that he just disappeared.

Baby, I was just looking out
for Charlie's best interests.

He needed time to heal.

Is that what you're
doing for this man, healing him?

I have his signed consent on file.

Everything we do is legal
and aboveboard.

What about making him believe you're his wife?
Is that aboveboard as well?

You're already married to me.

Perhaps he shouldn't be.

It may not be healthy
for him... or for you.

Yeah, Sadie, and she's a doctor.

Is that right, Charlie?

Is that what you really think?

You were always telling me how I could
never compare to your father.

It's always, ''The great man this,
the great man that.''

I can never measure up. You were always
telling me you wanted me to change.

Well, I changed...

and for the better.

Yes, you did, Adam,
and our work can continue.

It's not too late.

Well, don't let me stop you.

Oh, what the hell. Plug me in.

Baby, this really is the best thing...

- for everybody.
- [ Shaky Breath ]

I'm not so sure I want my name
on the story after all.

- What are you talking about?
-Jimmy, as first stories go, this one's a doozy.

You've got an unproven virtual reality
therapy that threatens to...

strip its patients
of their very identities.

It's exactly what the American people
need to be warned about.

Yeah, I know. It's just... I don't like
how the story ends.

Well, so what? You're a journalist.

You report the news, good or bad. You don't
change the news. You don't affect its outcome.

Oh, yeah? Like you guys just kick back
with your pad and your pencil.

Like you don't take interest in the people
that you write about and always help 'em out.

I feel like I dropped the ball.

How would you end the story?

I'd have Charlie wind up with Sadie.

It is so obvious how much
they really love each other...

even if they won't admit it.

And there's something not right
when science gets in the way oflove.

[ Groans ]
I got diabetes now.

So what are we gonna do about it?

[ Exhales ]

[ Sniffling ]

Happy days, sweet pea.
Your divorce came through. [ Laughing ]

What are you doing? It's bad luck to
see the bride before the wedding, you jerk.

What does it matter?
I saw her naked yesterday.

How lucky was that?
[ Laughs ] I love you.

[ Short Buzzes ]

I've missed you.

Oh, you're the man
of my dreams, you know that?

Make love to me.

Uh, don't I have a job
I'm supposed to be at?

[ Short Chuckle ]
Not today. I made it Saturday.

Oh, Adam, tell me you love me.

Looks like you were right
about the hidden cameras, Byers.

I was just wrong about
where to look for them.

Well, it looks like every utility pole in
the neighborhood is wired with 'em.

The interior of the house was probably
scanned into the program separately.

[ Grunts ]

Okay, Yves. You're tapped in.

- Where's Adam in the program?
- The master bedroom. There.

- What's he doing?
- I'll tell you when you're older.

Let's make this quick. Ten to one, nosy Rosie
across the street is calling the cops.

- [ Creaks ]
- Is this really gonna work?

In theory it should. You see the little boxes
on the phone poles?

Those are the hidden cameras
we were looking for last time.

They're feeding audio and video into
a computer somewhere...

which is transforming it into the virtual
reality that Adam is experiencing.

- So if we're on-camera--
- Then he should be able to see and hear us.

However, we won't be able to see him.
So, who's gonna start?

Charlie! Charlie Muckle.

- Um, do you hear something?
- It's nothing, Adam. Ignore it.

- Come on out, man.
- [ Byers ] Charlie. [ Whistles ]

Charlie!

Hang on a minute.

Charlie. [ Whistles ]
Where is he, Yves?

Ten feet in front of you.
He's stepping out on the porch.

[ Charlie ]
Hey.

- Hey.
- He's trying to talk to you.
I'm patching him through now.

What are you guys doing here?
I'm a little busy.

You're like the four blind mice.
Why aren't you even looking at me?

Because you're not
really here, Charlie.

Because this whole thing's
like a big video game...

and you're really somewhere else with a wire
in the back of your neck and blue goo...

- in every crevice of your body.
- Yeah, yeah. I know. So what?

- So what? [ Scoffs ]
- So what, uh--

[ Charlie ] Listen. Seriously,
there's no pressure here.

I'm happy. Life is good.
I don't have to make any big decisions.

It's a perfect life.
It's designed to be.

- Yeah, but--
- Pretty soon I'll forget who I even am...

just like before.

Maybe I'll forget this isn't real.
It'll be even better.

-[ Byers ] You'll forget Sadie too.
- Looking forward to it.

No, you're not.

Nobody wants to forget
the people that they love.

She's better off with Marvin.

Except she seems to want you.

- I'm no good for her.
- You're no good for anybody, Charlie.

You belong on Jerry Springer
or in a zoo, but you can change.

The old-fashioned way.
Provided you want to badly enough.

You guys-- You guys
make it sound so easy.

It's not. But I gotta believe
virtual reality...

with all its perfect weather
and great sex and-- Oh, God.

It's not as good as real life.
Not even close.

- [ Siren Approaching ]
- Oh, crap.

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

Come on, Charlie.
Now or never.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Let's get ready to get married!

[ Cheering ]

In this corner, weighing in at 1 89 pounds
from Washington, D.C....

- Maniac Marvin Kaufman.
- [ Applause ]

And entering in the far corner...

weighing in at 7 1 pounds
from Columbus, Ohio...

Sadie ''The Terror''Muckle.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

We are gathered here
in the sight of friends, family...

the World Professional
Wrestling Commission, and the Lord...

tojoin you two in holy matrimony.

Uh, hold it. One minute. Hey. Hey!

- Hold it one minute.
- [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

- I object.
- We're not even at that part of the ceremony yet.

- Adam.
- Charlie.

Sadie, I want my life back.

You are my life.

(music) [ Man Singing ]

How's this ending?

(music) [ Continues ]

(music) [ Ends ]

[ Child ]
I made this.