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It seems today that all you see
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Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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But where are those
good old-fashioned values
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On which we used to rely?
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Lucky there's a family guy
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Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
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All the things that make us
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Laugh and cry
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He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy!
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God, I hate coming to the vet.
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They charge me 90 bucks a day
to keep Brian here.
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For 60 bucks, I could
put him up at the Holiday Inn.
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Who's with me?
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My apologies.
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My pet cricket has
restless leg syndrome.
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I hope Brian's stomach pains
aren't anything serious.
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Ugh, look at that, Lois.
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That's why cats freak me out.
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He's doing that weird,
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stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.
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Look at that, huh?
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Look at that -bleep-.
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Oh, thank God the vets are here to help Brian.
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I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up.
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Meg, we've been over this.
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You're gonna gain 150 pounds and
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write Ugly Betty fan fiction.
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But Dad...
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Meg, that's final.
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See, this bird knows what I'm talking about.
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Thank you.
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You're very polite.
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You do not see that these days.
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You do not see that.
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I like you.
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Oh, thank God.
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You knyou never really know what somebody thinks of you,
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but I'm glad I made a good
first impression.
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Would you like to be friends?
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Like to be friends.
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Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.
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What's your name?
I'm Peter.
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Peter.
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No way!
That's my name!
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Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house.
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Lois, will you make up the guest room?
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Peter, that's someone's pet.
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You can't just take it.
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Well, maybe they never know it's gone.
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Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're okay.
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Yes, he's doing fine.
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We were able to clear the stomach obstruction.
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Tuout it was a used diaper.
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Gross!
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Oh, yes.
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Get off my back.
I thought it was Indian food.
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Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish.
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I really thought we were gonna lose him.
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It was my pleasure,Mrs. Griffin.
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Go ahead and check outwith my intern, Anna.
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I never wantedanyone like this It's all brand new
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You'll feel it in my kiss
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I'm crazy for you Bah Bah Bah Bah Ah-ah.
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Crazy for you.
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We now return to Busy Business Lady Whose Life
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Is Missing Something But She Doesn't
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Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business.
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No, no, I cannot make that business meeting.
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I've got a different business meeting at 3:00,
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and will be doing business there.
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I was wondering if you're free for coffee.
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Oh, no, I can't!
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I've got a lunch meeting,
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and then a meeting after lunch, after that...
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Over the next 90 minutes, I'd like to show you
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that all your problems can be solved
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by my penis.
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Hey, guys, whatis going on?
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No way!Cool!
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That thing don'tbite, do it?
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Guys, say helloto Adrien Beaky.
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Pick a lane, bitch.
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Isn't that funny?
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He heard me say that onthe way over in the car.
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I gotta pee.
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Where's thatSnapple bottle?
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I had a gayexperience at camp.
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We, we had the radio on and they were talking
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about some goofy stuff...
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So, what are you, whatare you guys drinking?
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Hey, Peter, you kind oflook like a pirate with
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that thing on your shoulder.
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A pirate? Ah, cool!
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You should geta pirate name.
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And a peg leg.And a hook hand.
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And you should have sexwith
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that crossing guard even though she lookedoung andthen I
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found out she was 12.
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I mean, you shouldget an eye patch.
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Eye patchwould be cool.
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Mom, can we goback to the vet
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and see the pretty vetassistant again?
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Well, I guess, if Briangets sick again.
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Oh, boy!
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Hey, Brian, look!
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Brian's sick.Mom, get your keys!
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Chris, I'm not going to the vet.
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There's me wench!
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Peter, what the hellare you doing?
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That's Long John Peterto you, Porthole.
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Fetch me five tankards of ale,
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and a leg of mutton for me maties!
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Who the hell are those guys?
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Just a few sea dogs frommy fishin' boat days.
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I don't care who theyare, they stink!
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Get 'em out of here!
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They stink of good cheer, Lois!
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After we've had our fillof bread and wine,
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we shall tell talesof other times we had
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our fillof bread and wine.
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God, this is a more disturbingsight than Tom Hanks and E.T.
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in Philadelphia.
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Ouch...
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There you go, you're good.
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You didn't touch me.
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I don't wanna get AIDS.
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Kristallnacht!
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'Tis Long John Peter and hismerry men come seeking plunder.
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All your Tuck'sMedicated Pads be ours.
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Aah! Oh, my God!
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For no reason I'm going to fireth
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is cannon all over your store.
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Terrible pharmacy toys.
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We'll see to it that no childever receives these
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as at-minute gift hastilybought on
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the way to the party.
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Dear me, it's almost 3:00.
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I've got to get this shipment ofsugarcane,
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tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end.
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That car is coming upawfully fast,
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but at least it's flyingthe British flag.
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Oh no. Privateers.
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No doubt they're after mysugarcane, tobacco and spices.
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Well, Shelley Boothbishopisn't
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about to let you over-egg this pudding.
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Prepare to be boarded.
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You'll never take my cargo.
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Load the cannon.
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All clear, sir.
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Shoot it again.
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What? I didn'tunderstand that.
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I said "shoot it again,"but I said it pirate-like.
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Well done, you barnacle-munchingscallywiggers.
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Sir, we've got a man down.
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Oh my God! Adrien Beaky.
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Say something.
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Shoot... me.
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Oh, God, this is my fault.
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I did this.
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I've screwed up worsethan Disney did
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when they cast Michael J. Fox inthat Zorro remake
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Who was that masked manwho saved us?
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I don't know,but he left his insignia.
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Give it to mestraight, Dr. Jewish.
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Is he gonna live?
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Mr. Griffin, I'm afraidyour parro dead.
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No!
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Did he at least diewith dignity?
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Well, he convulsed a lot andfell off the operating table.
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Then he flopped arounda little on the floor,
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and then a passing nurseaccidentally
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stepped on him and kicked himinto a puddle of urine.
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Which must'vefrightened him,
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because his bowelsreleased all over himself.
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I tried to pick him up,
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but then I got angry because some of itgot on my thumb,
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so I threw him against the walland that's where he died.
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That's the wayI want to go.
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I'm really sorry aboutyour dad's parrot.
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Oh, that's okay.
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He'll get overit pretty quickly
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then move onto another wacky thing.
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Lois, whose pipeorgan is this?
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My name's Anna.
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Um... I'm Chris.
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Sometimes I have to poopfor a long time.
187
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Now you say something.
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You're funny.
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But I bet a lot of girlstell you that, huh?
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Well, the only girl I knowmy sister, and she sucks.
191
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
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Wow, we're havinga conversation!
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Listen, I haveto get back to work,
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but, um, would you maybewant to go out sometime?
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Yes!
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Great. Here's my number.
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Awesome!
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Oh, no, I broke the pipe organ.
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Hey, look, the deedto a cattle ranch.
200
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So, um... how do you likeworking at the vet?
201
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Oh, it is so rewarding.
202
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Ever since I wasa little girl,
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I have loved workingwith animals.
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Did you ever make itwith one of the dogs?
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What?!
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I mean, uh, did youenjoy your appetizer?
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It hasn't come yet.
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Oh, um, I mean, did you evermake it with one of the dogs?
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No! Stupid!
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Chris, just relax.
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Um, okay.
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You know, Anna,when I first saw you,
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I thought you were the mostbeautiful girl in
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the world, and now all I want to do
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is show you my innermost self,
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but I'm afraid you'll reject me
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because you won't like wh y see,
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or thatyou'll see my scrotum, and
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see that it hasa seam on it,
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and then you'll think I'mmade up of two different guys
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that were sewn together,
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'cause that's whatI think happened, and...
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Chris, I like you.
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You don't haveto try so hard.
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I'm sorry.
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When I'm arounda pretty girl,
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I get all worked up like a kidwatching a toy commercial.
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Kids! Kids! Kids!
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Shiny! Gooey!
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Stretchy! Fun!
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Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!
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Sticky! Yummy!
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Bouncy! Fun!
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Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!
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Fly it! ALL: Yeah!
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Toss it!
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Awesome!Awesome!
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Swim it!
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Aw!Aw!
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Eat it!
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Whoa!Whoa!
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Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!
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Kids?! Kids?!
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It's so awesome!
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I want it!
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Hey, fellas!
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Um, I havea question.
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I went on a date with thisgirl
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that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was
250
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hoping I could askyou a few questions
251
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about the birdsand the bees?
252
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Ah, my boy wantsto know about sex.
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Came to the right place.
254
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Chris, what you alwayswant to remember is
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that sex isperfectly natural...
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Whoa, uh, uh,sorry, Mr. Swanson.
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Um, I wasn't reallytalking to you.
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Chris, I knowa lot about sex.
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Yeah, and I'm sure youhave fond memories,
260
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but I was kind ofhoping to get some advice
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from someone who isn't brokenfrom the waist down.
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I'm a father!
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You're a two-wheeledmonster!
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That's going to bemy ring tone.
265
00:12:40,148 --> 00:12:41,322
Quagmire, call me.
266
00:12:51,297 --> 00:12:52,991
Well, I have to getto work, Chris.
267
00:12:53,007 --> 00:12:54,952
I have tons and tonsof dogs to incinerate,
268
00:12:54,957 --> 00:12:57,292
but I can't wait to seeyou tomorrow night.
269
00:12:57,887 --> 00:12:59,103
Oh, God, I'mso sorry.
270
00:12:59,106 --> 00:13:00,381
I'll cleanthat up.
271
00:13:00,476 --> 00:13:02,010
Oh, uh, that's okay.I'll get it.
272
00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:03,272
Have fun at work!
273
00:13:03,288 --> 00:13:05,323
Okay. Bye, Chris.
274
00:13:06,325 --> 00:13:08,363
What do you think you're doing?What?
275
00:13:08,365 --> 00:13:11,013
You, a man, arecleaning up a mess made
276
00:13:11,018 --> 00:13:14,480
by Anna, a woman, that she, also a woman,
277
00:13:14,485 --> 00:13:17,010
spilled on you, a man.So?
278
00:13:17,017 --> 00:13:19,091
You're treating herlike a human being.
279
00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:20,743
If you want to getanywhere with a chick,
280
00:13:20,745 --> 00:13:22,622
you can't treat 'emtoo nice-like.
281
00:13:22,646 --> 00:13:24,103
Really?Trust me, Chris.
282
00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:26,653
The next time yousee this girl, treat her like crap,
283
00:13:26,656 --> 00:13:28,022
and you'll be cooler
284
00:13:28,037 --> 00:13:31,130
than a mid-'80s noveltyanswering machine message.
285
00:13:31,286 --> 00:13:32,433
MAN I'm glad you called,
286
00:13:32,435 --> 00:13:35,200
but I'm not home But I'll be back before too long
287
00:13:35,208 --> 00:13:36,133
You gotta wait for the beep,
288
00:13:36,136 --> 00:13:38,243
you gotta leave your name You gotta leave your number
289
00:13:38,246 --> 00:13:40,052
Wait for the beep.
290
00:13:40,598 --> 00:13:41,333
It's me again!
291
00:13:41,336 --> 00:13:43,220
I just had to hear i one more time!
292
00:13:46,038 --> 00:13:47,990
Chris, is everything okay?
293
00:13:47,997 --> 00:13:50,880
You seem a little, I don't know, quiet tonight.
294
00:13:50,886 --> 00:13:52,572
Yeah, everything's fine.
295
00:13:52,686 --> 00:13:54,532
Uh, yes, can I have two tickets:
296
00:13:54,535 --> 00:13:57,570
one man and one bitchthat needs to do what I say.
297
00:13:57,577 --> 00:13:59,521
What? That's notfunny, Chris.
298
00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:01,633
Here's your ticket.Pick that up!
299
00:14:01,637 --> 00:14:03,361
Chris, why are youacting like this?
300
00:14:03,365 --> 00:14:05,993
Pick that up and cook it into something delicious
301
00:14:05,996 --> 00:14:08,503
or knit it into somethingthat's
useful to me!
302
00:14:13,215 --> 00:14:15,862
Um, are you readyto make out now?
303
00:14:15,868 --> 00:14:17,293
Why in the world wouldI want to do
304
00:14:17,297 --> 00:14:19,142
that after what you just said?
305
00:14:19,148 --> 00:14:21,321
You're obviously not theperson I thought you were!
306
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,981
I never wantto see you again!
307
00:14:22,986 --> 00:14:25,260
I can't believe I thoughtyou were special!
308
00:14:25,685 --> 00:14:27,032
Anna, wait!
309
00:14:27,077 --> 00:14:28,311
Oh, no!
310
00:14:28,417 --> 00:14:29,763
What did I do?
311
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,352
Hey, Chris!Guess what we just did!
312
00:14:31,357 --> 00:14:33,123
Bonnie, tell him.We had sex.
313
00:14:33,128 --> 00:14:35,852
We sex!We had what Joe calls sex.
314
00:14:40,885 --> 00:14:42,733
Chris, honey,what's wrong?
315
00:14:42,927 --> 00:14:45,293
Anna took a dump on me.What?!
316
00:14:45,295 --> 00:14:47,431
Yeah, she broke up with me.
317
00:14:47,438 --> 00:14:49,790
Oh-ho, she dumped you.
318
00:14:49,797 --> 00:14:51,163
That's whatyou meant to say.
319
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:52,322
What's the difference?
320
00:14:52,328 --> 00:14:54,851
Well, what you saidfirst was...
321
00:14:54,855 --> 00:14:55,962
Well, I mean,
322
00:14:55,966 --> 00:14:58,561
when-whentwo grown-ups love each other very much,
323
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,942
sometimesthey show
it by...
324
00:15:00,958 --> 00:15:03,730
Never mind.So, so, what happened?
325
00:15:03,957 --> 00:15:04,632
don't know.
326
00:15:04,636 --> 00:15:06,631
I did everything Dad said.
327
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:09,412
I should've known Peter had somethingto do with this.
328
00:15:09,416 --> 00:15:12,150
You're notthe first person whose lifehe's screwed up.
329
00:15:16,546 --> 00:15:17,422
Knock, knock.
330
00:15:17,425 --> 00:15:18,733
Nicole? Ronald?
331
00:15:18,748 --> 00:15:20,230
Who's ready for Boggle?
332
00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:22,970
Oh, my God! No!
333
00:15:22,978 --> 00:15:24,543
Why?! Why?!
334
00:15:24,545 --> 00:15:26,511
My beautiful Nicole!
335
00:15:26,598 --> 00:15:28,940
My man Ronald,who did this?
336
00:15:28,946 --> 00:15:31,661
Oh, man, they wereso good together!
337
00:15:31,668 --> 00:15:34,230
We were just establishingour friendship.
338
00:15:34,265 --> 00:15:36,071
They were about to get engaged.
339
00:15:36,077 --> 00:15:38,661
Oh, he was going to ask meto be an usher.
340
00:15:38,678 --> 00:15:40,701
I mean, he alreadyhad enough groomsmen,
341
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,070
so he made me an usher,but just to think I
342
00:15:43,075 --> 00:15:46,360
could be involvedin the ceremony in any way.
343
00:15:46,476 --> 00:15:49,230
You told Chris to actlike a jerk to this girl?
344
00:15:49,238 --> 00:15:51,480
Well... define "Chris."
345
00:15:51,488 --> 00:15:53,792
Peter, he's reallyupset right now.
346
00:15:53,796 --> 00:15:56,202
I mean, he caredabout this girl a lot.
347
00:15:56,207 --> 00:15:57,601
Can't you seewhat you've done?
348
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,820
I don't know, I mean,I thought I was helping.
349
00:16:00,285 --> 00:16:01,261
But you may be right.
350
00:16:01,266 --> 00:16:03,420
'Cause now Chris isall sad and crying
351
00:16:03,427 --> 00:16:05,000
and fat and bad at sports.
352
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,343
Well, you created this mess,
353
00:16:06,356 --> 00:16:08,231
and you have to help him fix it.
354
00:16:08,237 --> 00:16:10,003
Man, parenting is more complicated
355
00:16:10,006 --> 00:16:12,471
than making a 1940s phone call.
356
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,060
Hello, operator?
357
00:16:14,066 --> 00:16:15,951
Crestview 4162, please.
358
00:16:15,995 --> 00:16:17,532
One moment, please.
359
00:16:34,258 --> 00:16:34,890
Hello?
360
00:16:34,896 --> 00:16:38,252
- Hello?
- Hello?
361
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:41,221
Well, what do you know about that?
362
00:16:49,715 --> 00:16:51,441
Hey, Chris, it's me.
363
00:16:51,446 --> 00:16:53,870
- I got something for you here.
- What is it?
364
00:16:53,877 --> 00:16:56,180
I caught you a bullfrog outside.
365
00:16:56,218 --> 00:16:58,752
Poked some holes in its back
so it can breathe.
366
00:16:58,806 --> 00:16:59,950
See, look at this-
367
00:16:59,956 --> 00:17:01,063
oh, boy.
368
00:17:01,576 --> 00:17:03,083
All right, hang on, hang on.
369
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:47,040
I'm never going
to be happy again.
370
00:17:47,047 --> 00:17:48,280
I know how you feel, son,
371
00:17:48,288 --> 00:17:49,570
but you can't give up now.
372
00:17:49,575 --> 00:17:51,913
Now, let's get out there
and meet some ladies, eh?
373
00:17:51,927 --> 00:17:54,132
But I don't want to
date anyone else.
374
00:17:54,138 --> 00:17:55,291
I want Anna.
375
00:17:55,295 --> 00:17:58,571
Chris, you don't want to miss out
on experiencing your teenage years.
376
00:17:58,575 --> 00:18:00,393
If you do, you'll feel
as bad as I do
377
00:18:00,398 --> 00:18:01,811
when I miss the toilet.
378
00:18:05,425 --> 00:18:06,953
Peter Griffin!
379
00:18:13,237 --> 00:18:14,420
All right, Chris, have a seat.
380
00:18:14,428 --> 00:18:15,791
Your date'll be
here any minute.
381
00:18:15,796 --> 00:18:18,951
In fact, I think she'll be
coming through that door.
382
00:18:20,255 --> 00:18:22,013
Hey, Chris. I'm Betty.
383
00:18:22,015 --> 00:18:23,273
Sorry I'm late.
384
00:18:23,275 --> 00:18:25,193
Your dad told me all about you.
385
00:18:25,197 --> 00:18:27,080
You sound like a swell fella.
386
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:29,111
Uh... Thanks.
387
00:18:29,506 --> 00:18:30,730
So where are you from?
388
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,472
I'm from the rich part of town,
389
00:18:32,476 --> 00:18:34,013
so you know I'm a good egg.
390
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:35,661
But I'm more interested in you.
391
00:18:35,927 --> 00:18:38,283
- Did you finish your homework today?
- What?
392
00:18:38,296 --> 00:18:41,022
You know, your dad's got
a birthday coming up.
393
00:18:41,025 --> 00:18:42,442
Have you given any thought to
394
00:18:42,446 --> 00:18:43,702
what you might be getting him?
395
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,033
How do you know when
my dad's birthday is?
396
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:47,831
Well, that.. It doesn't matter.
397
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,951
What are you getting
your dad for his birthday?
398
00:18:49,957 --> 00:18:51,763
I don't know.
A tie.
399
00:18:51,766 --> 00:18:54,993
Ooh! I don't know if he
would want one of those.
400
00:18:54,995 --> 00:18:56,910
I think he's got enough ties.
401
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:57,882
I think he might...
402
00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:59,883
Chris, I don'twant a tie!
Pick something else!
403
00:19:01,735 --> 00:19:03,393
Chris, this is Barbara, the girl
404
00:19:03,395 --> 00:19:05,320
from your class you used
to have a crush on.
405
00:19:05,328 --> 00:19:06,893
Now, you kids enjoy yourselves,
406
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,392
and I'll create some atmosphere.
407
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:11,052
This is a favorite by Men At Work.
408
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:23,291
Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai.
409
00:19:27,438 --> 00:19:28,461
I don't understand, Chris.
410
00:19:28,466 --> 00:19:30,271
Your blind date should
be here by now.
411
00:19:30,275 --> 00:19:31,513
She answered the ad.
412
00:19:38,748 --> 00:19:41,511
So, still no luck on the
girl front, huh?
413
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:43,323
I know Dad's been
trying to help,
414
00:19:43,326 --> 00:19:45,861
and I'm trying to listen to him,
but nothing seems to
415
00:19:45,878 --> 00:19:46,862
be working.
416
00:19:46,865 --> 00:19:48,860
Well, I know I asked
him to help,
417
00:19:48,865 --> 00:19:51,213
but it occurs to me that
you've been taking advice
418
00:19:51,217 --> 00:19:54,293
from everyone except the
one person who matters.
419
00:19:54,296 --> 00:19:55,962
What do you want, Chris?
420
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:58,410
All I want is to go
out with Anna again.
421
00:19:58,427 --> 00:20:00,330
Then you just need
to go talk to her
422
00:20:00,335 --> 00:20:03,190
and tell her exactly
how you feel.
423
00:20:03,197 --> 00:20:05,760
But she said she never
wants to see me again.
424
00:20:05,766 --> 00:20:07,893
Well, I'm sure you can come
up with some excuse
425
00:20:07,897 --> 00:20:09,422
to see her at the vet.
426
00:20:09,637 --> 00:20:10,780
Is there anymore coffee?
427
00:20:14,215 --> 00:20:16,922
Anna, I'm here with my dog.
428
00:20:17,168 --> 00:20:19,050
He's not feeling well.
429
00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:20,671
**** you.
430
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,741
Don't you think you'd
rather go to another vet?
431
00:20:22,748 --> 00:20:25,271
Anna, to be honest, I came here
432
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:28,391
'cause I wanted to apologize
for acting like such a jerk.
433
00:20:28,598 --> 00:20:30,082
That's not who I am.
434
00:20:30,085 --> 00:20:31,321
Oh, yeah, no, no, no.
435
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,593
Yeah, no, you're...you're a cool guy.
436
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:34,041
Brian, shut up!
437
00:20:34,805 --> 00:20:36,682
Look, I was just really nervous
438
00:20:36,686 --> 00:20:39,060
'cause I've never had a girlfriend before,
439
00:20:39,075 --> 00:20:41,573
and I wanted to make sure
I didn't do anything wrong.
440
00:20:41,758 --> 00:20:44,682
You know, you really hurt me, Chris.
441
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,583
I know. I was wrong.
442
00:20:46,615 --> 00:20:48,801
I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna.
443
00:20:49,355 --> 00:20:51,690
Please.
Just give me another chance.
444
00:20:51,698 --> 00:20:54,193
Gosh!
He doesn't look so good.
445
00:20:54,198 --> 00:20:55,120
I know.
446
00:20:55,685 --> 00:20:56,922
But you do.
447
00:21:01,018 --> 00:21:03,472
You know, I get off at 4:00.
448
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,890
I might just be up for a movie.
449
00:21:09,428 --> 00:21:11,772
Okay, somebody really
needs to help me here.
31551
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