All language subtitles for Baby.Daddy.S05E18.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪

See? I told you
there was plenty of
storage in the kitchen.

What about all that stuff?

You can't expect me
to solve every problem
this apartment faces.

Hey. Hey, have you guys seen
the match to this earring?

It's really sharp,
and I don't want
Emma to find it.

I already checked
the liquor store,
the nail salon,

and the bar, so, this is
the only other place I go.

Yeah, I'll check my room
once Emma's up from her nap.

Hey, can you watch her tonight?

I have my first
official date with Sam,
and I want to remove

all evidence that
what we're going to do
can lead to one of her.

Remember what I always say.

Both:
For the love of God,

don't be an idiot,
wear a condom.

You're such good boys.

Mom, you don't have
to worry, okay?

I bought a super-size box
at the superstore.

There is so much safety
in my room right now,

nothing bad could
possibly happen.

Boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop, boop.

Boop, boop, boop.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change directions ♪

So, how's my favorite
bartender?

We still on for tonight?

We could be on right now,
but I'm afraid it might scare
away some of the customers.

Do you have anything
in particular you'd like to do?

Hmm, I'll leave it
up to you,

but I was hoping
we could make it...
special.

Well, then you're in luck
'cause special is my specialty.

You know, I may have had
my reservations,

but I think
they're pretty good together.

Really? 'Cause you tried
to break them up like
a hundred times.

Yeah. Well, I possibly
might have been wrong about her.

Hey, maybe we should share

the secret to our perfect
relationship with them.

You mean the one where
we were fighting for two months
and we just got back together?

Yeah, that one.

-All right.
So, maybe we could--
-No.

-Well, can I suggest--
-Not getting involved.

-Can you at least tell Ben--
-No. We are minding
our own business.

How about--

You know what?
You can't keep doing that

every time you want to win
an argument.

Even though it works.

-Ooh. I really need
to get back.
-Oh, yeah.

Lunch was fun, but, hopefully,
we can order dessert next time,

-if you catch my drift.
-Oh. Oh...

Everyone caught it,
Little Miss Not-So-Subtle.

Just try not to catch
anything else.

Am I right, huh?

-Good one. Come on.
-Mrs. Wheeler,

Mrs. Wheeler, this is Renee.

Renee, this is
the spawn of Satan.

-I'll see you
tonight, all right?
-Mm.

-Aw.
-(sighs)

She's cute.

What am I missing?

Renee is my dad's
New York assistant, okay?

I go by the office
once a month to pick up
my check,

and I picked her up
along the way.

Okay, so she's dating for money.
Now I got it, okay.

No. But she does keep
pressuring me to tell my dad
that we're dating,

which I definitely
do not want to do,

because I know
he would not approve

of me seeing someone
in his office.

I mean, mostly because
he keeps saying stuff like,

"Stop hitting on the women
in my office,"

or, "Get off my secretary."

-Dads.
-I know, right?

Ooh, that reminds me.
Your dad called me to tell me

that he's coming into town
and he wants to take me
out to dinner.

Clearly, not over the Bon-Bon.

Do you think that you can put in
a good word about me and Renee?

I mean, maybe if he hears
how happy we are

from someone who isn't me,
he won't mind.

Oh, and, Mrs. Wheeler,
I-- uh...

I know shouldn't have
to say this,

but please don't sleep
with my Dad. Again.

Okay.

But only because I'm married.

Not because you asked me.

(toys squeaking)

Wow, you're cleaning.
You really do like Sam.

More like shoving and hiding.
But, yeah, I really do.

So, you taking her
to someplace fun?

Oh, you know it.
She's made it pretty clear

there's only one stop
on this date train--
my bedroom.

So, I'm assuming we'll start out
at a nice restaurant.

Someplace romantic.

I'm sorry. We are talking
about Ben Wheeler, right?

We are.

I think you underestimate him.

He asked me what I wanted,

and I told him
I wanted it to be special.

She really said
she wanted to make it special?

Ho! You are so in!

I know, right? What else could
that possibly mean?

I was so afraid she was
going to make me jump
through a ton of hoops.

To be honest, after all
that's happened between us,

I wouldn't mind if he jumped
through a couple of hoops.

Totally. I mean, they never
respect you if they don't.

Well, sounds like it's
going to be an amazing date.

It's going to be
an amazing date.

Oh, Marshall.
I just want you to know

that if I hadn't
hooked up with a man

half your age
with twice your stamina,

I would be all over that!

Mm! (growls)

Obviously, I'm flattered.

But your relationship with Brad

is actually the reason
I wanted to talk to you.

You see,
I've met my very own Brad.

Oh, for the love of men
instead of women,
you're gay too?

No. I'm in love
with a younger woman.

Oh, she works
in my New York office,
but we speak every day.

Mostly about paperwork.

Though I've come to suspect
she feels as strongly about me
as she does the paperwork.

Ooh! Slow down, cowboy.

So, why don't you
just ask her out?

Oh, Bonnie,
she's a lot younger.

Aren't you worried
about what people say?

Brad is literally the greatest
thing that ever happened to me,

and that includes at least
one of my kids.

Marshall, life is short.
Lock that down before
he realizes how hot he is

and that he can get
someone his own age.

Before she.

Before she realizes it.

You know, you make
an excellent argument.

I will, as they say,

go for it with Renee.

Wait. Renee?

From work?

The girl that
you like is-- is Renee?

From your office?

Thank you for summing
that up so succinctly. Yes.

Wow. Marshall,
I am so happy for you.

I am just
gonna go... (mumbles)

(panting)
Tucker!

-Oh, my--
-(Renee shrieks)

Mrs. Wheeler,
what are you doing?

Hey, Tucker, can I talk
to you for a second?

Oh. FYI, Renee.
There's a fire escape
right out that window.

(door closes)

(mutters)

What is wrong
with you, woman?

I thought
you might like to know

that your father has
a new lady in his life.

-My dad has
a girlfriend?
-Sort of.

She works
in his New York office.

Guess what her name is?

-Renee?
-Bingo!

Oh, thank God,
it's not Renee.

Oh, hey, Ben.

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be
on a date with Sam?

Honestly, it ended
before it started.

(coughs)

Ben:
I got all dressed up.

I was wearing that new Henley,
you know, 'cause it makes me
look like I have pecs.

(knocking)

Hi, Sam.

Ben:
And being a gentleman,
I gave her a huge compliment.

You look hot!

Thanks.

I'm so excited
for our special night.

Me too.
I wouldn't let milady starve,

so, I prepared a fine selection
of hors d'oeuvres.

Champagne?

Hmm. And a condom!

Ah! Emma found my stash

and she's been hiding them
all over the house. Okay.

(chuckles)

(door opens, slams shut)

And she was gone.

Sam. Hey,
I got your 9-1-1.
What's wrong?

Wait. Aren't you supposed to be
on your date with Ben right now?

Yeah. It pretty much ended
before it started.

Hey, Sam.
You look hot.

Sam:
So Ben looks like
he hasn't showered

in three days
and smells like dead yak.

You ready for
our special night?

I'm ready.
Why aren't you dressed yet?

You mean, why aren't
I undressed yet?

I thought
we were going out?

Why go out when everything
we need is right here?

I'm actually
a little hungry.

Oh, don't worry.

There's some chips
next to this bowl of condoms.

And that's when I got
the hell out of there.

The worst part is,
I don't think he even
knows what he did wrong.

I honestly have no idea
what I did wrong.

Oh, hey.

Did you hear
about Ben and Sam?

Yeah. It's so sad.
He really likes her.

None of this would've happened
if we had just given them
some advice.

But we agreed, we're not
getting involved, right?

Right.

Ben can figure it out
on his own, can't he?

Oh, totally.

And I mean, Sam's going
to figure it out too.

-Isn't she?
-Of course.

Um, you know,
hey, I forgot to tell
Ben something.

-I'll just be a second.
-Yeah, no worries.

Take your time, honey.

Sam, hey.

Uh, I was wondering if you
wanted to meet tomorrow morning.

I'd love to "Ben"
your ear about something.

Oh, uh...
about Ben.

I thought
that was kind of clear

with the whole
"Ben your ear" thing.

Okay, so I've been thinking
about the whole Ben thing.

And I think I know
where you went wrong.

Where I went wrong?

Well, remember when
you crawled into his bed
a couple of months ago, naked?

I think you may have sent him
the wrong message.

You know, that you're
kind of slutty,

so I think you need
to rerecord that message.

And what's the new message?

That you're hard to get.

Keep your pants on, Sam.

Keep your pants on.

So, I've been thinking
about what you said last night,
and you're right.

I came on way too strong.

Girls want
what they can't have.

Exactly.

Last time Sam thought
you liked somebody else,

she ended crawling
into your bed naked.

So, if you think
if I ignore Sam,
she'll want me more?

She couldn't want you any less.

(chuckles)
Um...

So... So, there's kind of...
there's kind of something
I need to tell you.

I met someone.

Oh, that's wonderful, son.

What's his name?

Dad, for the hundredth time,
I'm not gay.

Oh. Well, then...

-remind me to call
your mother.
-(mouths)

But... I have met
a wonderful girl, too.

There's no easy way
to say it.

She's quite a bit
younger than me,

but I guess that's what making
my heart go pitter-pat.

I tell you, son.
I was a lonely lump
of a man before I met Renee.

Yeah, about Renee.
You know, it's--

I was worried about
the age difference, too.

But Bonnie helped me realize,

I was wasting my life
by not pursuing it.

Oh, that-that
Mrs. Wheeler!

Oh, she--
she-- she's so helpful.

She's so damn helpful.

If everything goes right,

you could have your
very first stepmother.

What?

Wait a minute.

You're going to ask
Renee to marry you?

Don't you think you should
maybe ask her to dinner first?

You know what?

That is excellent advice.

I will ask Renee
to marry me at dinner.

Mrs. Wheeler?

Have you ever heard of knocking?

It's my room.

Okay. That's a good point.

So, how did it go with your dad?

Terrible.

Yeah, I thought it was
just a little crush,

but now-- but now,
he's going to look
like a creepy old man

when he proposes to a girl

who's young enough
to be dating me...

and is!

This is going to destroy him.

Do you want me
to write this up
in your journal?

You seemed pretty anxious
about this conversation
yesterday.

Okay. You know what?

-Oh.
-No.

And even if I wasn't
dating Renee,

the idea of my dad
dating a girl of my age

is so wrong.

It'd be like us together.

You wouldn't be
the first of Ben's friends,
I can assure you.

Don't tell Ben.

But you know what?
That's it.

If my dad could see
how ridiculous he'd look
with someone my age,

he'd come to his senses
and end this silliness
with Renee on his own.

Mrs. Wheeler,
you've got to help me.

Of course I will, Tucker.

You know I think
of you like a son.

Really? Since when?

Since I boinked your dad.

(laughing loudly)
My God!

CeeCee, you are so funny.

We have really have got to have
a drink one of these days.

Please don't touch me.

Ow. Sam better get
a move on

'cause it looks like Ben
is moving on.

Look, I know you're gay,

but stare at these
for a moment or two
and beer's on me.

(laughs loudly)

Oh, my God!
You're hilarious!

Yep. Well,
Ben better move fast,

'cause it looks like
Sam's moving even faster.

Dude, your advice
isn't working.

Sam's not in to me.
She won't even look at me.

I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but I think Ben and Sam--

or as I was going
to call us, "Bam!"--

are over and out.

Oh, I barely helped.

No, man. It was all you.

It was great advice, bro,
but it just didn't work.

I cannot believe you.
We promised each other
that we wouldn't get involved,

and here you are
getting involved.

I mean, does--
does your word
mean nothing to you?

Riley, I don't think
you were right.

Ben's not into me.

He's literally
into everything but me.

I give up.

Oh, it was worth a try.

I'm sorry.
It's just that

Sam wants to feel special
before she has sex,

so I may have told her
to play hard to get.

I told Ben the same thing.

He's just trying to be
with the girl

he's been in love with
for over a decade.

It's no wonder he's having
trouble focusing.

Can we just agree
that they need to be

as happy as we are
and help them?

-Yes.
-All right.

-You know what
to tell Ben, right?
-Totally.

Oh, hey, Ben.
Quick tweak to the plan.

You need to show Sam
that she's special

and it's not just
about sex.

Hey, Sam.
New plan.

Uh, you need to sleep
with Ben immediately.

So now you want me
to sleep with him?

Look, I feel terrible,

but I may have given you
some bad advice before.

Ben is crazy about you,
but he won't be able to focus

and act like
a normal human being

until he gets past
the whole sex thing.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, you already crawled
into his bed once,

what's one more time?

Once you get past this,

Ben will be able to relax
and be the sweet, loving guy

you want him to be.

I think.

No, you know,
actually, I'm sure.

Kind of.

Pretty sure.

Don't you get it?
She's just waiting
for you to make it special.

If there's one thing
I learned about relationships,

it's that women
like to test men.

Well, that and brunch.
They really, really like brunch.

Sam is just testing you
to make sure that you're
really interested in her.

I've liked her
since I was 14.

You've wanted to have sex
with her since you were 14.

Isn't that the same thing?

Be strong, man.
You'll get there.

but until then,

do not under any circumstance
have sex with her.

Even if it's the apocalypse
and we're the last two people
left on Earth

and we need
to repopulate the species?

That might be
an exception.

Hey, you seen
any good movies, lately?

No. Um-mm.

But I did watch a bunch
of cat videos this morning.

Marshall:
Absolutely not
settling, Bob.

I'm not the kind of guy
who settles, Bob.

Everybody in the office
knows that.

Settling is for settlers
and I don't think that's
what we want, is it?

What are we, Bob?
Pioneers?

I don't see
any covered wagons.

-Mrs. Wheeler!
-I thought I heard him.

Hey, Ben.

Sam. Hey.

Uh, I was actually
just about to leave.

Oh. What's the rush?

The bar's officially closed.

Looks like it's
just you and me.

Alone.

N-n-n-n-n-no need
to lock that then.

Check out this scratch
I got from the corner
of the bar tonight.

I don't suppose you have
anything you could put on it?

You know what you need?

Aspirin.
It reduces inflammation.

I should probably
take some too.

Geez, your dad is long-winded.

My calf is starting to cramp.

Tucker, would you mind
if I borrowed--

Sweet rhubarb pie!

(gasps) Oh, Marshall!

Dad!

Dad, this is her.

This is the woman
I've been telling you about,

my-- my true love.

I am in love
with Bonnie Wheeler.

And damn it, Dad, there's
nothing you can do about it.

No matter how silly,
or ridiculous,

or mortifying
we look together.

We're getting married.

Yeah. Well, after my divorce.

Tucker, this is appalling,

you carrying on
with a married woman and such.

No reaction
to the hideous age difference?

Ow.

But I can't stop love.

And if that's what this is,
who am I to judge?

Now? Now you choose
to stop judging my life choices?

Knock, knock!
Mr. Dobbs--

Renee, what are
you doing here?

I asked her to bring by
some papers for me to sign.

But congratulations
are in order.

Tucker just announced
his engagement.

Excuse me?
To who? To her?

Hey, Missy,
you better watch your tone.

No. No, no, no. Not to her,
not to anyone. This is not real.

But that hickey
is gonna be.

I thought that we had
something special.

No! We do! We do!
But my dad wants something
special with you too.

Mr. Dobbs,
you want to go out with me?

He's actually in love with you.

In love with her?
Oh, God no.

She's young enough
to be my daughter.

But you said you were
in love with Renee.

Yeah. Renee Dorsett
from HR.

She's 42.

Wait. How is that anything
like me and Brad?

Well, aren't we both
the same age?

Oh, not even close!

Let me help you.

You have to squeeze
when you pull.

I got it, yeah.
Just give me a second.

I'm just gonna...

Oh!

Oh, one got in my shirt.
Wanna get it?

No. No, no, no. There's plenty
right here on the floor.

Besides, I probably
shouldn't stand up right now.

Well, here's some water.

Oops. Oh, I'm so clumsy.

I've spilled
all over myself.

I better take this off.
I don't want to catch a cold.

Oh! I'll get you a towel.

What the hell is
your problem, Ben?

Are you not interested
in any of this?

Whatever it is,
just tell me.

Of course, I'm interested.

I just think there are
more important things
for us to do first,

like getting to know
each other.

We've known each other
for ten years!

Babe. Hey.

Why am I
meeting you here?

Aren't Ben and Sam in the office
having sex right now?

No. Why would they do that?

Um, because I told Sam
to have sex with Ben
in the office right now.

I even gave her my old
"cut on the thigh" trick.

Oh, no. I told Ben to be
super hands-off.

Wait. That was a trick?

Sam:
No, forget it.
Just stay away from me.

I'm sorry! Danny told me
you were testing me.

I was trying to be
super respectful.

And I figured if anybody knows
how to get you into bed,
it would be Danny.

Seriously? Riley told me
to have sex with you
and just get it over with.

I figured if anyone
would know how to get you
into bed, it's Riley.

Wow, that is just--

I wish we had
both listened to Riley.

I want to have
sex with you, Ben.

I just... need it to be special.

Okay.

Can you write down exactly
what you mean by "special"?

How about I show you?

Oh, hey, guys!

We had no idea
that you were here.

Yeah, but it looks like you have
everything under control,

so we're just going
to slip out of here.

Don't worry.
You don't have to thank us.

Not quite how I expected you
to tell your dad about us,
but... good enough.

So, uh, where were we?

About to make good use
of a few stolen condoms.

So basically,
if it wasn't for us,

they never would
have gotten together.

(sighs)

We're amazing.

Hey, did you remember
to pick up condoms?

Oh, no need.

Ben had some to spare.

Finally. You. Me. Together.

Maybe we'll get our
happily ever after, after all.