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1
00:00:00,421 --> 00:00:03,621
♪♪
2
00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:08,927
And when the not-so-cute
boy pony asked out
3
00:00:08,929 --> 00:00:11,259
the girl pony,
she said...
4
00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:13,092
-"Neigh"!
-Yeah!
5
00:00:13,094 --> 00:00:14,564
-Watch out, watch out...
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
6
00:00:14,555 --> 00:00:16,305
-Lift it a little bit, come on.
-Ouch! My hand!
7
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:18,637
-All right, what are you doing?
-Can you believe it?
8
00:00:18,639 --> 00:00:20,269
Somebody just left
this chair on the street.
9
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:22,731
Yeah. Maybe they died
before they could get it
all the way to the dumpster.
10
00:00:25,106 --> 00:00:27,446
Ben, you don't need
to bring in everything
11
00:00:27,448 --> 00:00:29,198
you find outside.
12
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,360
Oh, no offense.
13
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,333
(theme music playing)
14
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:37,245
♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
15
00:00:37,248 --> 00:00:40,288
♪ Can take your life
and change directions ♪
16
00:00:44,255 --> 00:00:46,165
-TV: What a play!
-Oh, come on! That's holding!
17
00:00:47,588 --> 00:00:49,338
Hey, guys, turn up
the volume a little.
18
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,930
Oh, and I'm gonna
need another beer,
19
00:00:50,931 --> 00:00:54,231
so volume and beer.
And pretzels!
20
00:00:54,225 --> 00:00:56,225
You know what?
Why don't you guys
just throw me the rem--
21
00:00:56,227 --> 00:00:58,557
-Oh...
-(elevator dings)
22
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,179
All right, just for that,
I'm not gonna let
23
00:01:00,181 --> 00:01:02,101
either of you have your turn
in Chairy Lee Lewis.
24
00:01:03,604 --> 00:01:05,154
Ben? Hi.
25
00:01:05,146 --> 00:01:07,236
I'm kind of afraid
to ask what you're doin'.
26
00:01:07,238 --> 00:01:09,648
It's my new chair.
Pretty cool, right?
27
00:01:09,650 --> 00:01:11,530
Whether kickin' back,
watchin' sports,
28
00:01:11,532 --> 00:01:13,822
or just putting your hand
in the waistband of your shorts,
29
00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:15,124
it's a sign that
you're finally a man.
30
00:01:16,747 --> 00:01:18,157
You know what I like
most about you?
31
00:01:18,159 --> 00:01:20,329
Your ability to not care
when people are laughing at you.
32
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,132
But I'm actually glad
to see you.
33
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,585
I finally found
a new job,
34
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,626
so this is my official
two-week notice.
35
00:01:27,628 --> 00:01:29,168
I think it'd be better
for both of us
36
00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:31,210
if we just didn't work together.
37
00:01:31,212 --> 00:01:32,382
You agree, right?
38
00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:33,803
No.
39
00:01:34,885 --> 00:01:36,345
Maybe? I guess.
40
00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,097
Look, I'm really sorry
about everything
41
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,768
that's happened
or didn't happen between us.
42
00:01:40,771 --> 00:01:42,181
Me too.
43
00:01:42,183 --> 00:01:45,033
I'm gonna go
grab Riley for yoga.
44
00:01:45,025 --> 00:01:46,395
See you around, Ben.
45
00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:49,187
I'll be right here
just being a man.
46
00:01:49,190 --> 00:01:50,190
(creak)
47
00:01:55,786 --> 00:01:56,866
(knocking)
48
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,077
Knock, knock.
49
00:01:58,078 --> 00:02:00,118
Hey, Tuck, can you help me
get rid of this stupid chair?
50
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,290
Oh, no, no. Been there,
done that, not touching it.
51
00:02:02,293 --> 00:02:03,373
No, no, no.
52
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,254
Why don't you ask
Danny for help?
53
00:02:05,246 --> 00:02:07,206
Oh, right, you can't,
you're in a fight.
54
00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:09,418
You think you're right,
he thinks he's right.
55
00:02:09,420 --> 00:02:12,750
I'm the only one that's right
'cause I think you both crazy.
56
00:02:12,753 --> 00:02:14,263
Are you done?
57
00:02:14,255 --> 00:02:16,385
What's with the suit?
Did somebody die?
58
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,718
Oh, my god,
did somebody die?
59
00:02:18,719 --> 00:02:20,519
I'm so sorry.
60
00:02:20,521 --> 00:02:23,521
No, the station is
sending me out to cover
61
00:02:23,524 --> 00:02:25,034
a big entertainment story.
62
00:02:25,025 --> 00:02:26,645
Oh! Tucker, that's great!
63
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,267
A beauty pageant
for toddlers.
64
00:02:28,269 --> 00:02:29,359
Oh...
65
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,730
Tucker, that's horrible.
66
00:02:30,731 --> 00:02:32,031
Can I...
67
00:02:32,032 --> 00:02:34,242
You know what?
Those pageants,
68
00:02:34,235 --> 00:02:35,695
they aren't even
for the kids.
69
00:02:35,696 --> 00:02:37,906
They're really for the moms
who are trying to make up
70
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,738
for the lack of fulfillment
in their own lives.
71
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:42,080
They are certainly no place
for a pudgy four-year-old
72
00:02:42,082 --> 00:02:43,452
with a lazy eye
and a heart of gold.
73
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:45,794
Oh, no, no,
she doesn't even
get to compete!
74
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,590
Oh, my god.
75
00:02:51,592 --> 00:02:54,682
Wait, Riley, I think your sad,
pathetic, tragic childhood
76
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,845
may have
just come in handy.
77
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,847
Yeah, I just need to expose
the-- the dark underbelly
78
00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:02,060
of the toddler
beauty pageant circuit.
79
00:03:02,062 --> 00:03:03,892
A Tucker Dobbs exclusive...
80
00:03:03,894 --> 00:03:05,904
(whispers)
exclusive, exclusive...
81
00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:08,478
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
82
00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:10,939
I just need to find a mom
who's willing to act like
83
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,691
a complete jackass
in front of a camera.
84
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:13,903
Hey, guys!
85
00:03:13,904 --> 00:03:15,374
(panting)
86
00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,446
Oh, man...
87
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,658
it is hard outrunning
a police horse.
88
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:23,992
Unrelated, if a guy
named Brick calls,
89
00:03:23,994 --> 00:03:25,464
tell him the drop
has been made.
90
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,211
Okay, what's with
the hand signals
91
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,053
and the darty eyes?
92
00:03:35,045 --> 00:03:36,095
Nothing.
93
00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:38,296
Tucker just has to cover
this baby beauty pageant
94
00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:40,049
and he thought
it'd be fun to profile
95
00:03:40,050 --> 00:03:41,640
one of the moms
or grandmoms.
96
00:03:41,642 --> 00:03:43,302
That's so lame, right?
97
00:03:43,304 --> 00:03:46,774
(scoffs)
Uh, no, not lame.
98
00:03:46,767 --> 00:03:49,187
Everybody loves
a good pageant story.
99
00:03:49,189 --> 00:03:51,349
You know, I was
two-time runner up
100
00:03:51,352 --> 00:03:53,152
Miss Teen
Northeastern New Jersey
101
00:03:53,153 --> 00:03:55,533
till a very large baby bump
derailed my career.
102
00:03:58,409 --> 00:04:01,239
Hey, I have
a brilliant idea.
103
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,911
What if I entered Emma?
104
00:04:04,124 --> 00:04:06,874
Wow. Uh, yeah.
105
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:08,957
That is brilliant,
but I don't know.
106
00:04:08,959 --> 00:04:10,499
I mean,
what will Ben say?
107
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,461
Nothing, because
he doesn't need to know.
108
00:04:13,464 --> 00:04:15,554
Just like he didn't know
that I accidentally
109
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,296
vacuumed up
his pet iguana Charles.
110
00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:20,930
We lost a great
vacuum that day.
111
00:04:24,385 --> 00:04:26,885
Oh, good morning,
Chaireem Abdul Chairbar.
112
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:29,979
What's this?
113
00:04:29,980 --> 00:04:32,150
"Dear Ben, can't shake
the feeling that
114
00:04:32,152 --> 00:04:33,352
"there's still
something between us.
115
00:04:33,354 --> 00:04:35,454
"If you know who this is
and you feel the same way,
116
00:04:35,446 --> 00:04:37,106
"meet me at Cafe Georgia
tonight at 7:00.
117
00:04:37,107 --> 00:04:39,697
If I don't see you,
I'll know we weren't
meant to be."
118
00:04:40,741 --> 00:04:42,401
Oh, my god,
119
00:04:42,403 --> 00:04:44,833
that's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard!
120
00:04:46,246 --> 00:04:47,286
Who's it from?
121
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,707
She didn't sign it.
122
00:04:48,709 --> 00:04:49,749
You think it might be Sam?
123
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,410
Oh! It has to be Sam!
124
00:04:51,412 --> 00:04:54,212
You mean the Sam
who literally says every day,
125
00:04:54,214 --> 00:04:56,804
"Ben, stay away from me.
"Ben, stop talking to me.
126
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,297
Ben, stop staring
at my boobs"?
127
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:00,840
Yeah, that Sam.
128
00:05:00,841 --> 00:05:02,841
I mean, if it's not her,
then who is it?
129
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:05,143
I mean, there have got to be
dozens of women out there
130
00:05:05,135 --> 00:05:07,345
who wouldn't mind
another spin on the Wheeler.
131
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:11,851
What if you go
132
00:05:11,852 --> 00:05:13,522
and it's not
someone you like,
133
00:05:13,524 --> 00:05:15,444
then that poor girl
is completely embarrassed
134
00:05:15,436 --> 00:05:16,606
and humiliated?
135
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,237
Oh, my god, could you
think like a dude
136
00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:20,738
and not a teenage girl
just once?
137
00:05:20,741 --> 00:05:22,361
I'll get there early,
check her out,
138
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:24,503
if I don't like what I see,
I'll hide out in the men's room
139
00:05:24,495 --> 00:05:25,445
until she leaves,
heartbroken.
140
00:05:25,446 --> 00:05:27,366
I'm not a complete jerk.
141
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:30,868
You know what, this is
actually a really great idea.
142
00:05:30,871 --> 00:05:32,711
Yeah, I'll bet Riley
misses me just as much
143
00:05:32,713 --> 00:05:34,723
as I miss her,
she just doesn't know
how to tell me.
144
00:05:34,715 --> 00:05:36,875
I'm gonna write her a note
telling her to meet me
145
00:05:36,877 --> 00:05:39,457
down at the bar tonight to see
if she feels the same way.
146
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:40,880
Cool.
147
00:05:40,881 --> 00:05:42,761
Hey, what if the girl
who wrote me this note
was Riley?
148
00:05:42,763 --> 00:05:43,803
Wouldn't that be hilarious?
149
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:46,466
No?
150
00:05:51,682 --> 00:05:53,562
(door opens)
151
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,525
-Tucker: All right, look...
-(door closes)
152
00:05:56,527 --> 00:05:59,437
you will never, ever hear
me say this to you again.
153
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,740
When we get there,
be yourself.
154
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,493
Oh, hey.
155
00:06:04,485 --> 00:06:06,075
Off to the pageant?
156
00:06:06,076 --> 00:06:08,536
Oh, good luck, Emma.
157
00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:09,909
She doesn't need luck.
158
00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,200
She has me,
someone who understands
159
00:06:12,202 --> 00:06:14,592
how important it is
to look her best...
160
00:06:14,585 --> 00:06:18,125
clearly something you give
zero patoots about.
161
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,998
(chuckles)
For example,
162
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,670
you have toilet paper stuck
to the bottom of your shoe.
163
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,723
That's not toilet paper.
164
00:06:24,715 --> 00:06:25,965
-It's garbage.
-(ding)
165
00:06:27,217 --> 00:06:28,597
Pretty girl.
166
00:06:29,970 --> 00:06:31,850
-I'm actually going down too.
-Well, just take another.
167
00:06:31,852 --> 00:06:33,392
-Bonnie: Take the next one.
-Oh, my gosh.
168
00:06:35,606 --> 00:06:37,066
Oh, good, you survived.
169
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:38,397
So?
170
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,478
How'd it go?
171
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,940
Get any crazy footage?
172
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:43,231
Um, unfortunately, no. No.
173
00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:45,993
The cameras weren't even rolling
before someone got thrown out
174
00:06:45,986 --> 00:06:48,116
for trying to bribe
the judges.
175
00:06:48,118 --> 00:06:49,488
Oh, my god.
176
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:53,080
What kind of pathetic lowlife
tries to cheat little kids?
177
00:06:53,083 --> 00:06:54,503
Oh, don't you judge me, Perrin.
178
00:06:55,956 --> 00:06:56,996
(scoffs)
I mean,
179
00:06:56,997 --> 00:06:59,797
it's not like I tried
to blackmail them.
180
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,250
Oh, man!
181
00:07:01,251 --> 00:07:02,591
That's what I should've done!
182
00:07:02,593 --> 00:07:04,423
God!
183
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,724
They have not seen
the last of Bonnie Wheeler.
184
00:07:07,718 --> 00:07:09,638
(door closes)
185
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,680
I wish I'd seen
the last of Bonnie Wheeler.
186
00:07:18,318 --> 00:07:20,148
(high-pitched)
Riley...
187
00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:22,560
have I ever told you
how much I love you?
188
00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:26,124
-Only when you need something.
-(chuckle)
189
00:07:26,116 --> 00:07:27,446
-I love you.
-Oh...
190
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:31,409
Please? Come on, come on,
come on, I need more footage.
191
00:07:31,411 --> 00:07:34,631
I need you to go undercover
as Emma's mom to help me
192
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,535
catch one of the real moms
behaving horribly.
193
00:07:36,537 --> 00:07:37,917
Tucker, no!
194
00:07:37,918 --> 00:07:40,878
Okay? These pageants go against
everything I believe in.
195
00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:44,081
Which is why
you should do this!
196
00:07:44,084 --> 00:07:47,014
Do it for every woman out there
who doesn't have a voice.
197
00:07:48,589 --> 00:07:50,719
Do it for every
pudgy, cross-eyed girl
198
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:52,761
with a bad perm
and corrective shoes
199
00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:53,933
who didn't have a chance.
200
00:07:56,016 --> 00:07:57,766
I never said anything
201
00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,728
about a bad perm
or corrective shoes.
202
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,021
Was I wrong?
203
00:08:04,274 --> 00:08:05,374
No.
204
00:08:06,697 --> 00:08:08,527
You know what?
Fine. All right.
205
00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:11,279
Gives me a good reason
to avoid Danny.
206
00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:17,206
Oh, I'm sorry,
207
00:08:17,207 --> 00:08:19,327
I'm saving this chair
for the love of my life.
208
00:08:19,329 --> 00:08:20,709
We're sort of on a break.
209
00:08:20,711 --> 00:08:22,541
Actually, she would say
we were broken up,
210
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,763
but I think she needs to
stop focusing on the past
211
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:27,505
and realize what's truly
important is our future.
212
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:30,930
Oh, I'm sorry,
213
00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:33,341
I'm saving this chair
for the love of my life.
214
00:08:33,343 --> 00:08:35,273
Yeah, we're sort of
on a break.
215
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,805
Actually, she would say
we were broken up,
216
00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,847
but I think she just needs
to stop focusing on the past
217
00:08:38,849 --> 00:08:40,979
and realize what's truly--
Okay, cool.
218
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,700
Ben!
219
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:52,822
Julia?
220
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:53,863
Julia!
221
00:08:53,864 --> 00:08:55,664
Julia!
222
00:08:55,656 --> 00:08:56,826
It's you!
223
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,457
Wow, I didn't...
224
00:08:58,458 --> 00:08:59,708
You're here early!
225
00:08:59,710 --> 00:09:01,830
I love this place.
226
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:04,802
If you remember, this is
where we had our first date.
227
00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,165
Oh, I remember.
228
00:09:06,166 --> 00:09:08,046
I also remember
it was our only date.
229
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,758
Yeah, about that...
230
00:09:10,761 --> 00:09:12,381
I'm really sorry.
231
00:09:12,382 --> 00:09:13,722
I think I just overreacted.
232
00:09:13,724 --> 00:09:14,814
Honestly.
233
00:09:14,805 --> 00:09:16,385
I've regretted it ever since.
234
00:09:16,386 --> 00:09:18,386
Well, if you're in the mood
to regret things,
235
00:09:18,388 --> 00:09:19,598
why don't we go back
to my place?
236
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,730
(chuckles awkwardly)
237
00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:22,521
I bet you regret that line.
238
00:09:22,522 --> 00:09:24,272
I do.
239
00:09:24,274 --> 00:09:25,494
It's okay.
240
00:09:25,485 --> 00:09:26,985
-It actually worked.
-Oh.
241
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:39,037
Hey, have you seen this guy?
242
00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:43,040
Oh, yeah. He just left
with some girl he picked up.
243
00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:45,593
Of course he did.
244
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,875
Did he hit on you too?
245
00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:47,837
A little.
246
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,766
You know, I have to tell ya,
247
00:09:57,768 --> 00:09:59,768
it was pretty brave,
you writing that note.
248
00:09:59,770 --> 00:10:01,430
I don't think
I would've had
the guts to do it.
249
00:10:01,431 --> 00:10:02,681
Thanks.
250
00:10:04,725 --> 00:10:06,435
Wait, what are
you talking about?
251
00:10:06,436 --> 00:10:08,146
The note that you wrote.
252
00:10:08,148 --> 00:10:10,188
I didn't write a note.
253
00:10:10,190 --> 00:10:11,780
What?
254
00:10:11,782 --> 00:10:13,152
Then what are we doing
on my couch?
255
00:10:13,153 --> 00:10:16,793
I thought making a pit stop
on the way to the bedroom.
256
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,739
Well, if you
didn't write this,
then who did?
257
00:10:21,742 --> 00:10:24,622
Maybe the girl
you were supposed to meet.
258
00:10:26,416 --> 00:10:28,376
You know what?
Whoever she is,
259
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,748
she's too good for you.
260
00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, I'd agree with you
if I knew who she was!
261
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:33,673
(door closes)
262
00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:36,675
Maybe all hope isn't lost.
263
00:10:36,677 --> 00:10:38,847
You left before
Note Girl got there,
264
00:10:38,849 --> 00:10:40,219
so just tell her
something came up.
265
00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:42,600
Did you forget the part where
I don't know who she is?
266
00:10:46,436 --> 00:10:47,766
Uh, exactly!
267
00:10:47,768 --> 00:10:48,938
Exactly, man!
268
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:51,029
Uh, which is why...
269
00:10:51,031 --> 00:10:54,191
which is why you...
270
00:10:54,194 --> 00:10:56,454
you-- you're gonna
write her a note,
271
00:10:56,446 --> 00:10:58,276
and yup, yup,
you are gonna
write her a note
272
00:10:58,278 --> 00:11:00,408
and you are gonna
beg her for a second chance.
273
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,990
All right? Just tell her
you will meet you at the bar
274
00:11:02,993 --> 00:11:04,923
and, uh, just put
the note in the chair.
275
00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,915
-What do you think
I should say?
-Uh...
276
00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:09,547
you know, maybe
something like, uh...
277
00:11:09,549 --> 00:11:11,709
"Truly sorry
I missed you last night.
278
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,672
Please give me
a second chance",
279
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,303
you know, something--
something like that,
280
00:11:15,295 --> 00:11:16,925
but ,uh, maybe
a little bit longer.
281
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,257
Yeah.
282
00:11:18,258 --> 00:11:20,138
Oh, almost forgot to tell you,
Riley came by earlier
283
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:22,140
to pick up Emma
to take her to preschool,
284
00:11:22,142 --> 00:11:25,732
so no need to follow up
on that story, okay?
285
00:11:28,228 --> 00:11:29,608
-Let's get it.
-Wait a minute,
286
00:11:29,609 --> 00:11:30,809
what the hell is this?
287
00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:35,583
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Morty, what are you doing?
288
00:11:35,575 --> 00:11:36,945
That's my brother's.
289
00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:38,317
I know it looks
like an old chair,
290
00:11:38,318 --> 00:11:39,988
but it holds a lot
of hopes and dreams.
291
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:42,911
I had a futon
like that once.
292
00:11:42,913 --> 00:11:43,873
I get it.
293
00:11:45,665 --> 00:11:46,995
Oh, hey, what's this?
294
00:11:48,919 --> 00:11:50,749
"Truly sorry
I missed you last night.
295
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:52,331
"Please give me
a second chance.
296
00:11:52,332 --> 00:11:53,922
This whole thing
is my fault."
297
00:11:53,924 --> 00:11:55,474
"This whole thing
is my fault."
298
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,215
Oh, my god,
this is from Riley!
299
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,427
Riley? Is that
a guy or a girl?
300
00:11:59,429 --> 00:12:00,929
She's a girl.
301
00:12:00,931 --> 00:12:02,721
Girl? Wow.
302
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,392
My gaydar's way off.
303
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,310
(chatter)
304
00:12:12,853 --> 00:12:15,703
My little Emma's gotta keep on
winning that prize money.
305
00:12:15,695 --> 00:12:18,735
We spent her last prize
on a treadmill.
306
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,698
Not for me, for her.
307
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,450
She just can't lose
that baby fat.
308
00:12:23,453 --> 00:12:25,043
How 'bout you?
309
00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:27,125
Oh, we're not here
to win money.
310
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:28,457
My daughter begged me to do it.
311
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:29,788
She loves to dance so much.
312
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,290
I'm just here
to support her.
313
00:12:31,291 --> 00:12:35,141
But don't you sort of
love the glory too?
314
00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:38,965
I mean, a win for Emma
is really a win for me,
315
00:12:38,969 --> 00:12:40,009
you know what I mean?
316
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:43,090
Well, I sure hope
you win then.
317
00:12:43,093 --> 00:12:44,893
Sounds like you really need it.
318
00:12:48,598 --> 00:12:49,938
This is a disaster.
319
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:52,850
Everybody here is nice
and supportive.
320
00:12:52,853 --> 00:12:55,073
Why do good people
always have to happen to me?
321
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,155
Where the crazy ladies at?
322
00:12:57,157 --> 00:12:58,777
Ah!
323
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,900
Nothing like
the smell of hairspray,
324
00:13:02,903 --> 00:13:04,833
tanning lotion,
and baby tears.
325
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:06,205
I'm home!
326
00:13:06,206 --> 00:13:07,906
Lucy Carmichael,
327
00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:09,538
pageant coach
to the stars.
328
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:10,909
Lose that bow, kid.
329
00:13:10,911 --> 00:13:12,371
Red is so over.
330
00:13:12,372 --> 00:13:13,412
You!
331
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:15,633
You two look like
you could use my help.
332
00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:17,255
What are you--
what are you doing here?
333
00:13:17,257 --> 00:13:19,797
I'm here to help make sure
Emma upholds my legacy.
334
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,549
We're not trying to win.
335
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,471
She's only entered
as our cover story.
336
00:13:23,473 --> 00:13:26,023
Look, if my granddaughter
is in this pageant,
337
00:13:26,016 --> 00:13:28,056
she is gonna
win this pageant,
338
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,348
and you can't deliver.
339
00:13:29,349 --> 00:13:30,979
(scoffs)
Can't deliver?
340
00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:34,101
If I wanted to deliver,
I'd deliver all over this place.
341
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,944
Oh, yeah, and what are
you gonna teach her
342
00:13:35,936 --> 00:13:38,066
for her talent portion,
how to stay home
343
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:41,068
on Saturday nights
and eat day-old cake
over a sink?
344
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,821
Oh, okay, and what
are you gonna teach her,
345
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,952
how to get pregnant at 17
and marry a gay man?
346
00:13:44,945 --> 00:13:47,115
-Oh, yeah,
it's getting real.
-Oh!
347
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,089
Oh, my god,
the note's gone.
348
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:02,051
It worked!
349
00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:03,302
(ding)
350
00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:06,965
Oh, hey!
351
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,517
I was just coming
to meet you.
352
00:14:08,518 --> 00:14:10,018
Why don't you
just come in and--
353
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:11,680
Oh, my god,
I missed you!
354
00:14:13,974 --> 00:14:15,694
Oh, my god,
get off me!
355
00:14:15,685 --> 00:14:17,145
I feel like I missed something.
356
00:14:18,738 --> 00:14:22,028
Look, Riley,
we're both to blame here.
357
00:14:22,032 --> 00:14:24,152
I'm just so happy
we can finally get past this.
358
00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,914
And to think, it's all
'cause of this chair.
359
00:14:29,489 --> 00:14:31,119
Are you drunk?
360
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,451
No!
361
00:14:32,452 --> 00:14:35,052
I got your note where
you said it was all your fault.
362
00:14:37,837 --> 00:14:38,957
I didn't write this.
363
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,459
You know how you'd know?
364
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:42,050
'Cause none of it
was my fault.
365
00:14:42,052 --> 00:14:44,502
All right? This is
your brother's handwriting.
366
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:46,144
I hope you two are
very happy together.
367
00:14:53,273 --> 00:14:55,113
Hey, have you seen Ben?
368
00:14:55,105 --> 00:14:57,105
Yeah. He's over there
about to show
369
00:14:57,107 --> 00:14:58,687
yet another girl
the inside of his mouth.
370
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,940
Hey, Ben. Can I talk
to you for a quick second?
371
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:05,793
-It's kind of important.
-Yeah, just one second.
372
00:15:05,785 --> 00:15:07,485
Dude, you're not
gonna believe this.
373
00:15:07,487 --> 00:15:09,907
She's Note Girl.
We went out a few years ago.
374
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,199
Ben, she's not Note Girl.
375
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,532
I'm Note Girl.
376
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,375
Danny, I don't know
where to go with this,
377
00:15:18,378 --> 00:15:21,878
but I guess I'll start
with "Dude, we're brothers."
378
00:15:21,881 --> 00:15:23,421
No, I mean
I found your note
379
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:24,843
and thought
it was from Riley.
380
00:15:24,844 --> 00:15:27,394
I'm sorry, man, but that girl
didn't come here for you.
381
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:31,179
You're quite the catch
these days, Romeo.
382
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:32,351
I'm actually not.
383
00:15:32,352 --> 00:15:33,762
She was supposed to
be someone else.
384
00:15:33,763 --> 00:15:35,323
I thought she left me a note,
385
00:15:35,315 --> 00:15:38,015
but afraid I'll never
find out who sent it.
386
00:15:38,018 --> 00:15:40,108
It was me, you idiot!
387
00:15:40,110 --> 00:15:41,560
It was me!
It was me!
It was me!
388
00:15:41,561 --> 00:15:42,821
I wrote the note!
389
00:15:43,903 --> 00:15:45,203
You did?
390
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,275
Why didn't you sign it?
391
00:15:46,276 --> 00:15:48,196
Because I thought
if we were meant to be,
392
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,618
then you would know it was me!
393
00:15:49,619 --> 00:15:50,779
Sam, I wanted it
to be you.
394
00:15:50,780 --> 00:15:52,240
You were my first choice!
395
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,282
Really? After whoever
you picked up last night,
396
00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:55,464
and now Heather?
397
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,955
Heather! That's her name.
398
00:15:59,129 --> 00:16:01,209
-Sam, I'm sorry.
-Forget it.
399
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,041
It wasn't enough
to completely reject me
400
00:16:03,043 --> 00:16:04,173
while I'm naked
in bed with you.
401
00:16:04,174 --> 00:16:06,054
You had to do it
a couple more times
402
00:16:06,046 --> 00:16:07,176
just for good measure?
403
00:16:07,177 --> 00:16:09,257
Consider me humiliated.
404
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,469
Congratulations,
you finally got back
405
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,721
at the stuck-up cheerleader
who ignored you in high school.
406
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,313
Sam, wait, I...
407
00:16:16,896 --> 00:16:19,556
(applause)
408
00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:23,361
It's just so sad.
409
00:16:23,363 --> 00:16:24,903
You know how many
of these girls dream
410
00:16:24,904 --> 00:16:27,954
of becoming models
and actresses only to fail
411
00:16:27,947 --> 00:16:30,317
and grab the lowest branch
that is real estate?
412
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,161
God, that got real quick.
413
00:16:34,574 --> 00:16:36,924
Okay, Emma's up next.
414
00:16:36,916 --> 00:16:38,576
Wait, where's her wig?
415
00:16:38,578 --> 00:16:40,288
Do you have any idea
how many dolls
416
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:42,420
I had to scalp
to make that thing?
417
00:16:42,422 --> 00:16:43,792
It doesn't matter, okay?
418
00:16:43,793 --> 00:16:46,893
I stayed up all night teaching
her my amazing dance routine.
419
00:16:46,886 --> 00:16:48,126
Step, ball, change.
420
00:16:48,128 --> 00:16:49,388
Step, ball, change.
421
00:16:49,389 --> 00:16:51,719
Yeah, well, that's gonna
be awkward because
422
00:16:51,721 --> 00:16:54,301
I spent all morning
teaching her my routine.
423
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:58,064
Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands.
Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands.
424
00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,098
I'm her coach,
it is my trophy.
425
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,600
-Your trophy?
-Yeah.
426
00:17:01,601 --> 00:17:04,141
Unbelievable. You have
clearly lost sight of who's
427
00:17:04,144 --> 00:17:05,574
doing all the work here.
428
00:17:05,565 --> 00:17:07,985
Me! It is my trophy.
429
00:17:07,987 --> 00:17:10,907
I don't know who's winning
Tiny Darlings,
430
00:17:10,910 --> 00:17:13,610
but they are about
to shimmy-shimmy jazz hands
431
00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:17,503
their way into
today's top story.
432
00:17:17,497 --> 00:17:21,207
-( Yankee Doodle playing)
-Oh my god, she looks so cute.
433
00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:23,581
All right, come on, Emma!
Fluff those ruffles!
434
00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:35,101
Come on! Come on, honey!
Just like we rehearsed, okay?
435
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,475
And big smile!
436
00:17:37,477 --> 00:17:39,137
And dance, Emma, dance!
437
00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:41,940
You look like
an insane person.
438
00:17:41,941 --> 00:17:43,271
And I'm the one
wearing a $5 wig.
439
00:17:43,273 --> 00:17:45,323
I've got it, I've got this,
okay? I've worked so hard.
440
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,735
Lasso! Lasso! Lasso! Lasso!
441
00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:50,608
Blow a kiss,
see where it goes!
442
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:52,320
Blow a kiss,
see where it goes!
443
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:55,962
-All right, sparkle! Sparkle!
-That is it! That is it!
444
00:17:55,955 --> 00:17:59,155
My granddaughter is not
having fun anymore.
445
00:17:59,159 --> 00:18:01,869
And if she's not happy,
I'm not happy.
446
00:18:01,871 --> 00:18:04,831
And you people should
be ashamed of yourselves,
447
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,714
allowing a clearly
deranged woman
448
00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:11,707
to force a toddler to do
a terrible dance routine.
449
00:18:11,711 --> 00:18:15,811
No! No, no, no, stop, stop!
She's got this, okay?
450
00:18:15,805 --> 00:18:17,715
I am winning this thing!
451
00:18:17,717 --> 00:18:19,137
Riley Perrin is a winner!
452
00:18:22,272 --> 00:18:25,282
Cheerleaders: Whoo!
453
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:30,437
Look, girls, I'm sure
you all have great fake IDs,
454
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,190
but the high school
cheerleader outfits are
kind of a dead giveaway.
455
00:18:33,193 --> 00:18:36,203
Cheerleaders:
Ready? Okay!
His name is Ben.
456
00:18:36,196 --> 00:18:38,196
He is a fool.
457
00:18:38,198 --> 00:18:39,908
Go out with him.
458
00:18:39,909 --> 00:18:41,119
That might be cool.
459
00:18:42,292 --> 00:18:45,512
Go... Ben!
460
00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:50,878
Ben, what the hell
are you doing?
461
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,590
You said you were done
being humiliated.
462
00:18:52,592 --> 00:18:54,092
Well, now it's my turn.
463
00:18:54,093 --> 00:18:55,723
Pom-poms down!
464
00:18:55,715 --> 00:18:57,255
-I'm doin' this dance...
-(clapping rhythmically)
465
00:18:57,257 --> 00:18:58,677
...to get another chance.
466
00:18:58,678 --> 00:19:00,138
Let me take you out
467
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,099
or I'll scream and shout!
468
00:19:02,101 --> 00:19:03,431
I was stupid
469
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,763
I must admit.
470
00:19:04,764 --> 00:19:05,904
I even learned
471
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,435
to do the splits.
472
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:11,397
Ow! Oh god. No! Ow!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
473
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,191
You can stop now.
474
00:19:14,484 --> 00:19:17,374
If you're willing
to do something this crazy,
475
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:20,447
then maybe I'm crazy enough
to give you a second chance.
476
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:24,160
Thank you. You ever
kiss a cheerleader before?
477
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,173
Once, but it was a dare.
478
00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:30,668
Cheerleaders: Whoo!
479
00:19:32,051 --> 00:19:34,461
No, no, no, stop, stop!
She's got this, okay?
480
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,684
I am winning this thing!
481
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,136
Riley Perrin is a winner!
482
00:19:39,138 --> 00:19:41,468
(lip syncing to himself)
This is Tucker Dobbs...
483
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:43,891
revealing the horrifying truth
about parents
484
00:19:43,893 --> 00:19:46,313
who pathetically
live through their children.
485
00:19:46,306 --> 00:19:47,516
Be careful, America.
486
00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:52,440
Oh my god.
487
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,942
That's me.
488
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,953
Like that's really me.
489
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,316
It's like I always
have to win...
490
00:19:59,319 --> 00:20:03,489
with work, with sports,
with everything.
491
00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:06,593
-No, what? No!
-No, you? Oh, come on!
492
00:20:06,586 --> 00:20:07,706
You're a little kitty kat.
493
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,827
Yeah, you don't do--
you don't do that.
494
00:20:09,829 --> 00:20:12,209
That's even what I did
with Danny.
495
00:20:13,593 --> 00:20:15,473
I have to go.
496
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:21,429
Oh, hey.
497
00:20:27,647 --> 00:20:28,977
Thank you?
498
00:20:30,019 --> 00:20:33,729
Danny...
I'm so sorry.
499
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:38,033
I was trying to win an argument
that nobody can win.
500
00:20:38,027 --> 00:20:41,357
That's okay.
We were both wrong.
501
00:20:42,452 --> 00:20:44,452
I don't wanna
win anymore.
502
00:20:44,454 --> 00:20:46,294
Neither do I.
503
00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,537
I just wanna be with you.
504
00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:56,465
Ben: Can you believe it?
505
00:20:56,466 --> 00:20:58,506
Uncle Danny and Aunt Riley
are back together,
506
00:20:58,508 --> 00:21:00,968
and Daddy scored a date
with Sam.
507
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:03,010
But right now, I get to
spend the night
508
00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:04,642
with my best girl.
509
00:21:04,644 --> 00:21:05,734
I love you, baby.
510
00:21:05,725 --> 00:21:07,885
I love you, Daddy.
511
00:21:07,887 --> 00:21:10,227
Think you're ready
for a chair of your own?
512
00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:11,649
Yeah.
513
00:21:11,651 --> 00:21:14,391
Here we go.
514
00:21:14,394 --> 00:21:16,114
Can I grab you a cold one?
515
00:21:18,988 --> 00:21:20,318
There you go.
516
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:24,241
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
34839
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