All language subtitles for Baby.Daddy.S05E14.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪

Yes! Finally a shot
of your Grandma Bon-Bon

without a glass of wine
in her hand.

We're making
your family tree,
not your family vineyard.

Stupid paste.

Hey! Whatever you do,
don't try to get it off
with the other hand...

then your shoe...
then the wall.
It's just a vicious cycle.

I'm just helping Emma out
with a school project.

And from the looks of this,
I think everyone will know

the Wheelers
are a pretty classy bunch.

Bam! Guess who just punched
an 80-year-old for this baby?

Hey, if you're old enough
to hit the sales rack,

you're old enough
to take a hanger
to the head.

I will definitely be
the hottest mom

at the preschool's
Family Night.

First of all,
you're not Emma's mom,

and second of all,
we already voted,
and it's Lacey's mom.

Hey, do we have
any pictures
of Nana Lyle?

My mother? God, no.
She doesn't show up
on film.

I love Nana Lyle.

Danny, how could you?
You met her like four times.

She always sends me cards
for my birthday and Christmas.

And that one time
I got really sick,

she sent a get well card,
then I did!

She's magical.
Why do you hate her?

I don't hate her.
I just wouldn't be wrecked

if she shriveled up
and blew away.

So... want some help?

Pretty sure I can handle
doing a two-year-old's
homework on my own.

See?

Oh, hey!

You found a picture of me

without a glass of wine
in my hand.

Must've been pregnant.

♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change directions ♪

-(both laughing)
-Okay. Play it again,
play it again.

So, expect just a few clouds
early in the day.

I'm Tucker Dobbs,
the forecast machine
on your TV screen.

Back to you, Pamela.

That's Tucker Dobbs
with the weather.

Uh, Tucker,
any big plans
for the weekend?

Nope.

Back to you, Pamela.

Well, maybe you'll
head to the beach?

I said,
"Back to you, Pamela."

Well, it sounds like
the weather's gonna be
pretty nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's literally
what I just said.

Time for you
to do your job now!

-Pamela: Okay.
-Do not attempt

to adjust your television
screens.

Tucker Dobbs really is horrible.

Back to you, Bonnie.

Oh, I can't talk good.
Back to you, Riley!

Hey! Hey! I told you guys
to stop watching this.

All right, and it's not even
my fault.

Nobody told me
I had to chit chat.

You want spontaneous,

you have to give me
some warning.

Oh my god, you know what?
I can help you with that.

I just signed up
for this improv class

to help with my
courtroom repartee.

Totally my decision.

It's not at all forced on me.

100 percent everybody does it.

Okay, yeah, well, I don't even
need to take improv class

because I'm...

Well, the reason is-- is--

Okay, maybe I do need
to take improv.

We can sign up online
at my place.

Hey, Mom, don't forget
tomorrow is Family Day,

so I'm gonna need you
on time, sober,

and dressed
at least PG-13.

Mild nudity, got it.

But I also wanted
to give you

a little heads-up
that we're gonna have

at least one small addition
to Family Day.

If your father
brings his new wife, Steve,
I get to dress R-rated.

And it's "hell no"
to sober.

What? No.
Nana Lyle is coming.

What have you done?

well, you didn't have
her picture, so I invited
the real deal.

She needs to meet Emma.

Okay, okay, fine.
Just make sure
that you give me

a little warning
before she gets here.

Cancel your plans, boys,
you've got a hot date
with your Nana Lyle.

I brought a gift for Emma,

but I didn't bring anything
for you boys.

Wait a minute.
What's this?

All: Yay!

Why am I not shocked
they're all ones?

Oh my god, look at you boys,
you're so beautiful.

And how's my little angel?

Oh, you know, I'm good.

-I meant this one.
-Okay.

The only angel you have

is tattooed
on your ass, sweetie.

Oh, you're just gorgeous.

Oh my goodness.
She looks just like you.

And you look just like me,
so, you're welcome.

(high-pitched)
Can I see you boys
for a sec?

You two wouldn't understand
what it's like to have
a terrible mother,

because you have me!

But there are a lot of people
out there who don't like
their mothers.

-Well, we--
-Pick your battles, bro.

You need
to get rid of her.

No. You need to suck it up
or suck it in, or suck
whoever needs to get sucked,

so we can have
a beautiful weekend

where Emma gets to hang out
with her wonderful
great-grandmother.

She gave us cash, Mom,

And you know
that carries a lot of weight
in this family.

Okay. Fine.
But when Emma
is emotionally scarred

by that ice cap in spandex,
don't blame me.

♪ Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain ♪

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider
crawled up the spout again ♪

Wow. What a monster.

-You never sang to me.
-Shut up.

Okay, everybody, here we go,
deep breaths and...

ooh, let's warm it up.

It's banana time!

Form banana,
form a banana.

Peel banana,
peel a banana.

Go bananas!
Go, go bananas!

What fresh fruit-themed
hell have you brought me to?

-I'm out.
-Tucker, come on.

It's a great way for us
to challenge ourselves.

Plus, it's non-refundable.

Come on in, guys, don't be shy.

I'm Stanley,
your fearless guide

to the wonderful world
of improvisation.

In just one week,
you'll learn

to talk your way
out of any situation.

Oh, cool. Can I get a refund
on this improv class?

Cute.

Okay, everybody,
we need to warm up

our instruments, all right?

You're a slice of bacon,
now sizzle!

(giggles)

Are you kidding me?

How is being bacon
gonna help me be
a weatherman?

God, Tucker, come on,
just try it.

This bacon is guilty...
of being delicious!

I already feel like
a better lawyer.

Nice sizzle.
Oh, come on...
more sizzle.

More. Just sizzle!

Oh, you're in a pan
and you're sizzling bacon!

Good. Even more!

I am so impressed with you boys
owning your own bar.

I hope you set a limit
on free drinks

or somebody here
is gonna gluggity glugg you
right out of business.

-Am I right?
-(Danny and Ben laugh)

Ooh, oh, and what's that?

You just carry that around

in the off chance
you might need to strip paint?

Huh?

I am a sipper. Oh, add
a "T" and an "R" to that,

and we have
your mother's first job.

Mom... you were a sippsterr?

Stripper, Danny.
Mom was a stripper--

Mom, you were a stripper?

No! I was a model.

For who? Planned Parenthood?

Now, where's the ladies'?

Not sittin' here.

Right that way, Nana,
take your time.

Whoa, she's just like you!
I always wanted a second mom.

Now it's okay if we break one.

Please... I am nothing like
my mother.

You're right.
She gives us stuff.

Other than a bad time.

Look, just make it through
this lunch, and you'll be
done for the day.

Nana's grabbing
Emma from preschool
and taking her shopping.

What? You can't leave
that woman alone with Emma.

Unless you think
"How I got to Third Base
with Sinatra"

is an appropriate story
for a two-year-old.

It's not.

And what's a "sippsterr"?

What's a Sinatra?

Next stop, fourth floor...
handbags and old bags.

For the love of God, Mother,
the girls are out of the barn.
Zip up.

(elevator bell dings)
Hold my purse.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Now you decide
to answer my prayers?

I'm gonna get blamed
for this, aren't I?

I don't understand.
How do you lose
an entire person?

She lost me
in the grocery store
when I was 10.

And accidentally
drove off with a 20-year-old.

You guys were exactly
the same size.

Well, you need
to call the store
and find her.

I did! I also
went to the lost and found,

and was very specific
about what I was looking for.

About yay big,
no soul, smells like gin,

repelled by garlic,
has no shadow,

answers to "Hey, old bitch!"

Don't worry,
she will call eventually.

With what?
You have her purse
and her phone.

Oh, you did this
on purpose because
you're jealous of her.

She's honing in
on your grandma territory
and Emma loves her.

Jealous? Of what?

She's a booze-soaked
bottle blonde who's never met
a man she couldn't bed

or a bar
she couldn't close down.

Wait, who are we
talking about again?

Wait, guys, I really think
we're nailing this improv thing.

Quick, give me
an occupation
and a location.

You're an annoying roommate
with bad timing.

Got it. I'm Ben.
I work at a bar,

and I make all my friends
babysit my kid.

Dude, that was spot on.

Maybe we should
go work on our scenes, like...

let's write
some amazing stuff
to ad lib.

Seriously, they own
the joint.

So, drink up, Hanky, and then
we'll get to the panky.

My god, there you are.

I was so worried about you.

Worried, casket shopping--
same thing.

Hey, guys, pull up
a chair.

This is my new friend,
Hank. Hank, these are
my sons,

and this is
my older sister.

Be cool.

Okay, let's grab a suggestion
from the hat and see where
this scene takes us.

Hey. Ah!

The location
is the WNY-8 weather desk.

You guys, this is a good one.

This feels fresh.

Okay, guys, improvise!

What are the chances
that a weatherman
would need a lawyer?

I murdered my co-worker
Pamela for talking too much.

Well, perhaps I can help you
win your case,

because I'm
an amazing attorney.

Stop! Stop, stop.

Did you two actually
pre-write your scene?

Yeah, how else
are we supposed
to make it good?

Perhaps missing the point.

Let's try
something else.

You two start a scene,
and when you hear the bell,

-whoever spoke last has
to change what they said...
-(dings)

-...has to come up
with something new...
-(dings)

-...has to alter their lines.
-(dings)

I don't charge enough
for these classes.

Here we go.

The location-- the moon.

Did you say "courtroom"?

Moon! Go.

Um, uh, don't open the hatch
or we'll die!

I can't believe
you ate the manual,
and we can't fly home!

-(dings)
-What? That was a great line.

You have to do a new line
when the bell rings.

Yeah, but my line was good,
hers sucked.

-Make her
do another line.
-(bell dings)

-Oh, that's how
we playing it?
-(bell dings)

-Ring it again.
I dare you.
-(rings bell)

I remember doing this
with your mom when she
was a little girl.

Well, then, I must've
had a secret sister,

because you sure as hell
aren't talking about me!

Hi, Emma.
Ready to take
your family picture?

Gosh, you can see
how much she really loves
her grandma.

Great-grandma.

Actually not great,
just old.

Not really grandma, either.
More like an acquaintance.

Let's just call her
Old Lady Acquaintance.

-Let me hold her.
-I was holding her.

Okay, how about we just
let go of the innocent baby,
all right?

I'm the grandmother.

-I'm the great-grandmother.
-You heard him, let go.

I don't want to let-- oh!

Oh my god! Nana Lyle,
are you okay?

It's Family Day, for God's sake,
can't you just keep it together?

Me? What about her?

Well... obviously,
I'm not wanted by
my own family.

But that's all right...
I'm just a poor old lady

who hasn't been
feeling very well lately
and doesn't have much time.

-You're dying?
-No, my plane leaves tomorrow.

-Nana, wait!
-But...

What are you
lookin' at, Parker?

Like you've never seen
an old lady get her ass
kicked before?

It's fine. I'll just
go back home where I'm wanted.

But we all want you here,
all of us.

Every single one of us.

-Tell her, Danny.
-Yep. Totally. All of us.

For sure, 100 percent.
Just not Mom.

You know, I've just learned
to laugh at all her craziness,
so it's okay.

I'll wait 'til it passes,
it always does.

Now I'll go say goodbye
to Emma.

Oh, I wanna tell her
my Sinatra story before I leave.

I don't know
what's so hard about
being nice to the person

who gave you life.
Mom's such as ass.

Okay... so what if I'm
a lawyer who's stuck
in a washing machine,

and I have to argue
my way out?

'Ello, matey.
Care for a dryer sheet?

I just ad-libbed
all of that.

(Tucker laughs) Yes.

Hey, don't forget about
our performance tonight, guys.

It's completely free,
but there's a two-drink minimum.

Also, admission is 10 bucks.
You know, I don't even know
why I said it was free.

You know what, Danny?
That's the answer.

We just need to get
Mom and Nana in one place,

and get them calm enough
to have an honest conversation.

And they'll find a way
to laugh it all off.

Okay, you take Mom
and I'll take Nana.

-Why do I always get Mom?
-Because you're her favorite.

I didn't know you knew.

I always assumed,
but now I know for sure.

I'm tired of being
her favorite.

I know, but I've worked
really hard not to be.

Danny.

Wait a second. This isn't
a free, all-you-can-drink
wine tasting.

What are you doing here?

What is she doing here?
You said she wasn't coming.

What? Like it's the first time
somebody was manipulated

into being
in the same room as you?

How is Dad, by the way?

Well, I for one,
think we are all gonna
laugh about this one day.

Soon. Hopefully real soon.

Hey, what do you say
we all go out for a drink
after this,

and have a nice chat?
Who's in? I know I am.

Oh, look, the show's starting.

(applause)

Thank you. And welcome,
family and friends,
to our student showcase.

My name is Stanley Dexenberry,
though I'm quite sure all of you
already know me...

thanks to my one-man show,
"Stanley Dexenberry,
a One-Man Show."

Thank you.

Now, let's kick things off
with the Director's Cut.

Can I have the name
of a fairy tale?

Oh, right here, I know...

Cinderella.
It's Riley's favorite.

Now, because our students
are new, let's help them out

and suggest characters
for them to play.

How about a cold,
distant mother, who never
gave her daughter

a moment of support?

So the actual character
from Cinderella.

And for Riley?

How about
an ungrateful daughter,

who's always upset
about something stupid
and meaningless?

Why do I even try?

Okay, guys,
let's improvise!

All I wanna do
is go to the ball,

and you won't let me.

I should probably
get a lawyer.

The last time
you went to a ball,
you came home drunk

and barfed in my car.

But tomorrow
the sun will come out,

and it should be
in the low 70s.

It sure is nice
to be spending time
with the family.

Something I wasn't allowed
to do before.

-Here we go.
-Here we go where?

Here we go
rewriting history.

Honestly, Bonnie,
I have done nothing
but support you.

All I've ever wanted
is to be part of this family.

I love the boys,
I love Emma,

I just don't know
what your problem is.

Uh-huh. My problem?

You don't know
what my problem is?

Well... here's a hint.

It's you.

You think you supported
and loved me?

When? How?

Yes, mother, I got pregnant
when I was 17,

not exactly
the highlight of homecoming.

But I did the best I could
for a terrified teenager.

And what did you,
my mother, do? Hmm?

You threw me
out of the house.

Thankfully, Ray's family
took me in.

But even that wasn't enough
for you, was it?

-I've had enough.
-Oh, I am just getting
started, old woman.

You didn't come to my wedding,

because you said
I was an embarrassment.

And then you simply
disowned me.

Oh, I believe your words were,
"You don't have a mother."

You refused to see Danny
until he was four.

And then when Ben came along,
you told me

that I was ruining my life,
and adding another dumbo

to an already stupid
family tree.

Oh, but the true icing
on the crap cake was
what you said to me

when I told you that Ben
was a father to a beautiful
little girl.

Do you remember
that lovely letter
you sent, Ma?

Huh? "The rotten apple

"doesn't fall far
from the rotten tree.

He's a dummy...
just like his mommy."

So guess what,
you cold, heartless,

liquor-filled excuse
for a mother?

You don't get
to have this family.
It is mine!

Can we take a five?
I'm gonna call my mother.

Mom. I'm sorry,
we had no idea.

Why didn't you tell us?

I didn't want you to know.

What about all the cards
and letters she sent us?

I sent them.

I was just trying
to protect you from her.

And you did.
I am so sorry.

You deserve a great mom,

because you've always
been one to us.

And don't worry
about Nana Lyle.
We don't need her.

Look... I know
I'm not perfect, but I did
the best that I could.

I didn't know
how to raise kids.

Yeah, well...
I didn't either.
Right, boys?

-The worst, absolutely terrible.
-No idea.

Okay.

Look... I am gonna try
to be the perfect nana

to Emma,
and put family first
from now on.

-(phone rings)
-Oops. That's me.

Hey, Hanky Panky.

No, I'm not
doing anything important.

See you in 20.

Well... this was
a really good talk.
I'll see you folks at home.

You were right, Mom.

You're nothing like
Nana Lyle. We love you.

I love you both. So much.

Hey, should we go back inside?

-Get out! Never come back!
-(bell dinging)

No refunds! You fail!

I'll take
that drink now.

I'm Tucker Dobbs.

And in rain, sleet,
snow or hail,

count on me,
your weather male.

(laughs)
I just improvised that!

-Back to you, Pamela!
-Thanks, Tucker.

And that is all
that we have time for tonight--

Whoa! Whoa, whoa whoa,
hold up now, Pamela.

What about a little chit chat?

Some witty banter,
some ad libs, repartee?

Come on, now, hit me
with a question.

I'm sorry, we're literally
out of time.

Out of time?

How is that even possible?
We're never out of--

(high-pitched tone)