Original subtitles

Are you ready?

All the things that you can do.

page automatically?

Yeah, it did. See, this way I can read my history text book while

typing up a few ionic photon equations.

How do you focus your brain on two things at once like that?

Yeah, I can't even watch TV and burp at the same time.

Yeah, like I gotta hit pause, then burp, then unpause.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, Zoe.

Hey.

What meeting?

Guidance counselor.

Yeah, I just spent two hours going over everything I'm going to need to put on

my college application.

Why? We don't have to worry about that for another year.

You better start worrying now.

It takes a lot more than grades and SATs to get into a good college.

Especially when your grades and SAT scores are sucky. You know, like yours.

Well, my dad. Daddy's not going to be able to buy your way into college.

True that. Not this time. Well, what am I supposed to do then? You need good

extracurricular stuff.

I play football and basketball.

Yeah, not that good, though.

You're going to need more than that.

Where are you going?

To do something impressive so I can get into college.

Hey, why do they call this eggplant?

Doesn't look like an egg, doesn't look like a plant.

So what should they call it? I don't know.

Veggie mush.

Vegemite. See, that's funny.

Turn page.

Hey. Hey, Chase.

What? What?

What did you decide?

Nothing.

Oh, tiny whiteys. My little brother wears these.

Okay. That's enough.

Hey,

Chase. Girl people.

Why are you all happy?

Because I just got Dean Rivers' approval on this.

I'm starting a new tradition at PTA.

A yearly beauty pageant run by me.

This is your extracurricular activity to impress colleges? Don't go snotting on

this idea.

It's awesome.

Okay, first of all, I'll snot on whatever I want to snot on.

And this is a horrible idea.

Yeah, beauty pageants are sexist. Exactly.

Duh. So what's wrong with sexy?

It's sexist. Beauty pageants are insulting to girls.

Ugly girls, yeah.

Oh, my God. Help us.

Dude, this is the 21st century. It's not cool to have a contest where girls are

supposed to out -pretty each other.

Thank you.

Did you really think Girls at PCA would sign up for this? Well, so far, 17 girls

have.

What? Why won't these girls sign up?

I guess they're interested in winning the insane first prize.

Which is?

Whoever wins gets to be on the cover of Buzz magazine.

Buzz? No way!

How'd you pull that off?

My dad has connections.

Give me a pen.

You're signing up?

Yeah. If I'm on the cover of Buzz, any agent in Hollywood would sign me in a

heartbeat.

Give me.

Zoe? It's Buzz Magazine. This could be my big break into the fashion world. And

do you realize how jealous Katie Peckerman will be if I'm on the cover of

Who's Katie Peckerman?

The rotten little skunk bag who called me ugly in third grade. I hate that

Peckerman.

Whose are these?

More thumb.

Oh, yes.

Hey, hey, quick.

Oh, hi.

What does a hillbilly call a deer with no eyes?

I don't know. What? No idea.

Oh, come on. Everybody laughs at that joke.

Sorry.

It's like you don't think I'm funny.

Well... Oh, my God!

Michael!

I'm going to make you laugh, Quinn Penske.

I'm going to make you laugh until it hurts.

All right?

No idea.

What? So what about this beauty pageant?

Kissing me will not influence my decisions.

Okay.

Listen, for the talent competition, I'm going to pick a monologue for my acting

class. How long can it be?

I don't care.

Awesome! It's going to be two minutes, and it's going to be amazing.

If I were you, I'd focus on what I was going to wear for the evening gown

competition. I got that covered.

You already got a dress?

Yep. Zoe picked out a couple of nice ones for us at this cool boutique right

campus. Really?

Yeah, she's going to fix them up.

You know, work a little of her fashion magic.

And you think that's a smart plan?

Yeah. Zoe's got great taste.

Why? Zoe's competing against you.

So? So she's going to make sure her dress is better than yours.

Coming up next on Duh.

Zoe's my friend. She wouldn't do anything catty like that.

Sure she wouldn't.

Hey, how come you haven't signed up for the beauty pageant?

Ugh, please.

You could win.

You have beauty.

Thank you, Mark, but serious scientists do not win Nobel Prizes by being on the

cover of pop culture magazines.

Hey, look.

A rock.

It's a nice one.

Yeah.

Talk about beauty.

This one's going right in my collection.

Hey, hey, hey!

My pants!

Woo!

Yeah, baby! Oh, my pants are down around my ankles. Woo!

Yeah, baby!

Oh, oh, oh, yeah!

This is not something you see every day, baby. Uh -uh! This is unanticipated.

Oh, you see me, right? My pants are down, baby. Yeah! You can't handle it.

you cannot.

Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah!

Taking a shower in the fountain.

Are

you all

right? Yeah, I'm all right.

Why aren't you laughing?

Why would I laugh?

Because I run by you, my pants down around my ankles. I fall in a fountain.

That is top -notch physical comedy.

Everybody laughs at physical comedy.

Yeah, not really.

No,

Lee. Two more minutes.

I'm bored.

Look at the fire extinguisher.

Not that exciting.

Just wait. I need your opinion on my drug.

You know, I don't support this beauty pageant.

It treats girls like they're...

Pride show pig at a county fair.

And I don't think it's right that...

Oh.

Do you like it?

Oh.

Oh, you like it?

Yeah, it's, um, very, uh... flattering.

Do you need a drink of water?

Yes, please.

Come on.

Oh, hey, Jake.

Hi. Zoe, what time are we gonna... Oh, my God, you look gorgeous!

Really? Yeah.

Absol... Wait, I thought you said the red dress was for me. I did, but then I

started messing around with them, and I decided that the other dress would look

better on you, and this one was better for me.

Oh. So you're saying I'd look bad in that dress?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, you kind of did.

Girls. Look, I made your dress look just as cool as mine.

Okay.

Let's see it.

Sure.

She's going to get the dress.

Here. What do you think?

I don't know. I'm kind of torn between ill and... Hey, who likes cheddar

I know I do. Do you know how hard I worked on this dress for you? Not as

you worked on that one for you.

I'm going to go somewhere else now.

You know, I really thought you were above this kind of thing. What kind of

thing?

Sabotaging me. Okay, you're insane.

I was insane for trusting you with my dress. You know, I'm trying real hard

to get offended here. I should have known you tried to make sure I look

than you. And, uh, good luck doing that. And now I'm offended.

Yay! You just get your own dress for the pageant. Oh, I'm way ahead of you

there.

Oh, and you know what's going to be so great about seeing my face on the cover

of Buzz Magazine?

Not seeing yours! Your face should be covered with a sack!

You'll pay for that one, Brooke.

Oh, if only you could stay this sharp forever.

Is Zoe in here?

No, just me.

Good, because I don't want to be in the same room with her. Then you better

leave, because here I am.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to ignore you.

Oh, promise.

Can I please borrow your lip gloss?

Sure.

Careful, Quinn. If she ends up not liking it, she'll accuse you of trying

sabotage her mouth.

Huh? I wish your mouth would stop moving. I thought you were ignoring me.

Then I stopped for a second, and now I'm ignoring you again.

All right, I'm leaving!

I can't wait until this stupid beauty pageant's over and done with.

Don't leave!

All right, I'll say if you two will be nice to each other. I'll be nice if

she'll be nice. Oh, so it's all on me now? You're the one who started acting

like a jerk yesterday.

I know you started by hijacking my hot red dress and trying to squeeze me into

some hideous mom frog. Bye!

What's a mom frog? The frog that I'm all aware of. Hey, what's going on in

there? Lily and Lola are fighting.

Oh, that's such a shame.

No, it didn't. I worked for hours on it.

What are you wearing?

Oh, this is my evening gown for Logan's beauty pageant. I'm having it altered

because it's a bit snug in the bosom.

I can't believe you say that.

Lola, we're done with melons. Oh, I adore melons. You know, my favorite is

honeydew, but then I...

My cue?

There you go.

Sit in the side.

Man, beating you is really making me thirsty.

I'm thirsty.

That's sweet. They're just sucking up to you because they know that you're the

only judge in your little beauty pageant. I know.

How did I not think of it three years ago? I got it! I got it! What you got?

A foolproof way to make Quinn laugh.

You gonna show a picture of that mustache you tried to grow?

Hey, hey, hey. It would have grown in. I just needed more time.

Anyway, Quinn's like super smart, right?

Yeah. So, I just gotta hit her with an intellectual joke.

Oh, God.

Yeah, just watch this.

Hey there, Quinn.

What's up?

Well, you see, two hydrogen atoms bump into each other at a party.

So one of the atoms says, why do you look so sad?

So the other atom says, oh, I just lost a proton.

So the first atom says, are you sure about that?

And the other atom says, oh, yeah.

Protons are positively charged.

Electrons are negatively charged. If the hydrogen atom lost a proton, it would

cause the atom to skew negative, not positive.

Well, okay. I don't find scientific errors funny.

Because you sent me a double 9 -1 -1 text message.

Yes, because I needed you to help me decide which earrings I should wear in

pageant. Oh, sorry. I didn't realize the seriousness of the situation.

Yeah, yeah. So do you like the topaz, the pearls, or the little red balls?

Um, they all look very nice.

What are you, running for president? Take a position. Make a choice.

Uh, okay. Um, the topaz balls?

All right, look. Just pick up those index cards and read me the questions.

What are they for?

The interview. The pageant consists of four sub -competitions.

Talent, evening gown, interview, and swimsuit.

Can I help you pick out a swimsuit? I already picked a swimsuit. Just read

those.

Okay, okay.

If you could, what would you do to help the hungry children of the world?

I don't know.

Feed them? What other answer is there?

I think they're looking for something more specific.

Okay, meatloaf. I'd give them all meatloaf. Next.

Um...

If you could be an internal organ, which organ would you be?

Heart, lung, liver, pancreas, or bladder?

What kind of question is that?

It's a chase question.

I made it up myself.

Hey.

You dented my fro.

You're not taking this seriously.

Well, you got that one right.

This is important to me. I want to be on the cover, but... No, you don't. You're

just obsessed with beating Lola because you guys are in a fight.

Okay, I do not need a therapist, so if you're not going to help me... Maybe you

do need a therapist.

Because you're not even acting like you.

Oh, I'm not?

You're the one who said contests like this bring out the worst in people.

Well, guess what?

It's bringing out the worst in you. That's so not true!

It's like you to run around, freaking out, dying for Logan to pick you as the

prettiest girl at PCA.

Copaz, Pearl, or Red Boss?

Tito, do you like my dress?

No.

Oh!

Well, thanks for the constructive criticism!

Can I have the pen, please?

Of course.

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

Pardon? You were checking out my dress? Jealous?

I don't think so.

Right.

What's up, boys?

What are you, the lifeguard?

This is my judging chair.

You did not just do that.

Maybe I didn't. Maybe I did. I guess you just didn't have to wonder.

What are you guys, crazy? Stop fighting.

You look so funny.

Oh, you.

I'm so sorry.

Don't even say it. I have to. I've been acting like such an idiot. Not just you.

What do you think?

Hugging time?

Oh, yeah.

I'm telling Dean Rivers about this, and both of you are going to get detention.

And I guess we have nothing to lose.

This is so much better

than a beauty pageant.

So much better.

Always fighting dirty.

Fighting dirty.

Because they're money.

I get it. That's funny.

It is?

That's right, it is.

It sure is.

You just laugh it up, Quinn.

Compliments of Michael Baird.

Clever.

Ow! Ow!

Let go of me!

I'm the judge!

I'm the judge!

I'm the judge!

Poor Logan.

He was really getting pounded down there.

Let go of me!

I'm the judge!

Want to get some coffee?

Sure.