Original subtitles

Are you ready?

Ooh, I know you see me standing here.

Do I look good, my dear?

Do I look good today?

Ooh,

I'm just another kind of girl.

And you want to see my world.

So come and run.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

I've never been stranded on a deserted island.

Neither have you.

Well, if I was and I could only have one thing, I would way rather have a pair

of socks than a knife.

Why? One, socks will keep your feet warm so you don't freeze to death.

Two, you can stick your hand up a sock and use it as a puppet to keep yourself

company. And three, you drop a rock in a sock and bam, you got yourself a

swingable weapon.

How is a rock in a sock a weapon?

Why don't you close your eyes and I'll show you? I don't want to close my eyes

and you show me. Why do you always talk?

No, you would not.

I don't know.

I'm not going to close my eyes. You always talk. I know I'm always going to

talk. Just listen. One,

two. Stop it.

Can't we live in a world where socks and knives coexist peacefully?

Hey, Zoe, there's a delivery guy out there looking for you.

Wait. Tell him that a rock and a sock is not a weapon.

You don't make any sense. I'm handsome. I don't have to make sense. You know

that? Stop talking.

Zoe Brooks?

Yeah, sign here.

What am I signing for?

Ribs.

Ribs?

Who sent me ribs?

Here.

Would you?

Sure.

Oh, my God.

What?

Your great -uncle Morris passed away.

I have a great -uncle Morris?

Well, had.

And he left you some ribs.

That's sweet.

Kinda weird.

Yeah, this is a lot of ribs.

Uh, you got more than that.

Okay, write down three drops of ammonium paraffite.

What's the point of making a liquid candle?

An everlasting... I wish I was everlasting.

Alright. Here. You light the candle.

Okay. And I'll videotape the moment for posterity.

And... go.

in there until Sunday. Thank you so much.

But then I need the space back.

I got a big shipment of Tater Pops coming in Monday morning.

Oh, I love Tater Pops.

They're like French fries in ball form.

You're in ball form?

Look, why do you have to say the most ridiculous things? Okay,

I did not suffer through two years of cafeteria college for this.

You see what you do? You guys upset a lunch lady.

for period college.

Just stop fighting for two seconds and help Zoe figure out how she's going to

eat a thousand pounds of ribs before Monday.

What do you guys think about a rib cook -off?

What do you mean? Like a contest?

Yeah. Kids form teams. Everybody sets up a booth. Best ribs win. I think people

will be into it. Probably. And the four of us could be a team.

I'm in.

Cool. My dad's got an awesome baby back rib recipe.

Oh, that works. Because my grandma makes this homemade barbecue sauce.

You'd cry it's so good.

Sweet!

Now that's nice.

What do you mean? What's nice?

Seeing you guys cooperate and not fight for one.

Well, ribs do bring people together. The magic of pork.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Yeah.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow! Do you want eyebrows or not?

Yes, please.

Then hold still and stop being a baby.

There.

Dear God.

Those were the only fake eyebrows they had in the drama department.

I cannot walk around PCA with two red gerbils on my face.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God. Mark, you look ridiculous.

See? Would you rather have no eyebrows at all?

By tomorrow morning, he'll have his own eyebrows back.

You found them?

No. I made this.

It's a follicular stimulant. A follicular? It accelerates hair growth.

You just dab a little on whatever skin you wish to become hairy, and within

hours, hair. And it works? You tell me.

Oh! Oh, my.

Your pen's all furry!

Well, I had to test it out. So, last night, I put some of this under my arm,

now... Stop!

Oh. Stop showing us!

Oh, calm down.

I'll shave it off before I go to bed tonight.

Now, get those caterpillars off Mark's face.

Okay.

Wait, is this going to hurt? Because I have a low threshold.

It just says we're allowed to have a rib cook -off this Saturday in the quad.

If we get an adult to supervise.

Ribs? Can I be the judge?

Well, yeah, we were just going to ask. I want to be the judge! Okay!

You can be the judge.

Yes!

Come on, come on, come on, let's go!

I'm coming!

Where are you guys going?

To grab some breakfast before class.

anymore to get the ribs.

That's not true.

Now, um, you just lay the ribs down there.

Okay.

And I'll apply the Reese family's world famous rib rub.

World famous?

Yes, world famous.

So if I'm walking down the street in Bangladesh and I turn to some

and say, hey, you heard about the Reese family's rib rub?

He's gonna say, oh,

I have to put up with this?

Just rub the ribs.

Okay, step one. Just sprinkle it all over both sides of the slab, like this.

Then, just rub it in really good like this.

And there.

Nice. Okay, now what about the sauce?

All right.

Now, we're just going to take a little of the sauce with this brush, you see.

Then we're just going to spread it evenly across the slab.

That's too much.

Excuse me?

You just put a little sauce on before you cook them, and then when they're

almost done, you put more on.

You're a moron.

Just trying to help.

I'm doing it the way my grandma does it. Well, your grandma's wrong.

Did I tell you how to rub the rib?

No, because I did it right.

Come on, boys.

Play nice.

No, no, no.

Cool.

He did do it right.

In fact, let me see if I have the rib rubbing technique down.

First, you get some rub.

And then, you apply it to the ribs.

That's right, all in the rib cage area.

All in there. Right there.

Okay, maybe this would be a good time to take a little break.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me see if I understand how to apply this thought.

That how your grandma does it?

Yeah.

Let me show you how she takes out the trash.

One more time.

My grandma does so much.

Don't talk about my grandma.

Okay, okay, okay. All right, since you two can't act like grown -ups, we're

going to form two separate teams.

Michael, you're with me.

Good. Sadly, I got you.

Good. Our ribs are going to make your ribs taste like... bad ribs.

Well, we'll settle this on the grill.

Win!

Win!

guys and Michael and Logan were all on the same rib team.

What happened?

Well, there was a rubbing.

There was a thopping.

Some grandma bashing. And now I'm cooking ribs with Michael. And I'll be

it up with Logan.

Zoe! Zoe!

Oh, hey, Dean Rivers.

What's up, Dino?

Too casual.

Dean Rivers, how are you?

Very excited.

Guess who's right outside the building?

Who? Pierre Lamage.

From the Food Channel?

No way!

He's like the most famous chef in the world.

What's he doing here?

He wants to judge your rib cook -off. What?

How'd he even know about... I was at the gas station. He pulls up next to me. I

say, aren't you Pierre Lamage? And he says, oui, oui.

Really? Yeah.

So we start talking. I mention the rib cook -off, and he just offered to be the

judge. That's so cool.

The best. That's awesome.

You want to meet him? Yeah, totally.

Wait here.

You got a celebrity judge.

Yeah, and who's going to tell Coco?

Who's going to tell me what?

Uh, Coco.

Um, Zoe, why don't you tell Coco the exciting news?

Thanks, Chase.

Um, on a scale of one to ten, how mad would you be if you didn't judge the rib

cook -off?

What?

Students. Pierre Lamont. I can't stand it when I'm promised something and then,

oh my God, you're Pierre Lamont!

Bonjour, mademoiselle. Mes amis. I watch you on TV all the time.

I made your butternut squash fries.

And were they delicious?

Yeah. I knew your answer before you responded.

I'm Coco.

Coco.

Named after my favorite warm chocolatey beverage with the small marshmallows

that float upon the surface.

See, we were hoping you'd be okay if Mr. Lamond judged the rib cook -off and,

uh... You were the assistant judge.

Okay.

You are a food expert.

Oh, you bet your sweet bippy.

I have found you all delightful, and I look forward to tasting your ribs.

I am in love with that man.

Hey, Coco.

You dropped your pillowcase.

That is my underwear.

I'm gonna go boil my hand.

Look at this!

Look at this!

Well, what are we supposed to do?

This is one of our brand new dormitories.

Notice the extra wide hallways? Fantastic.

I have never seen a school hallway so wide.

Excuse me.

I should take this. Just give me one second.

But of course.

River's here.

Sure, what time?

Hey. Mr. Lamage.

Oui? I hear you're judging the rib cook -off. Indeed, this is true.

Are you one of the students competing?

Yeah, me and my friend, tall, skinny kid, weird hair.

It is nice to see a young person so interested in cooking.

Interested in winning.

Oh, hey, what's this?

I think you dropped some cash.

But I don't think... Take it.

Oh.

And, uh, when you're judging, just remember, Logan Reed, the guy who bound

$300.

There. I'm all fake.

Well, I'm not.

I have no eyebrows.

I look like a freak.

No, you just look more aerodynamic.

Now, come on. Let's go meet Zoe and Lola for dinner.

I'm not going out in public like this.

All right, I'll bring you something back.

Thanks. Can I get a plain potato and a napkin? Sure.

No butter, sour cream?

Plain potato and a napkin.

It is helping my back more than you can understand.

That's good to hear.

You just relax and enjoy.

Very well, but you must let me pay you for this massage.

Now, now.

You just remember me, Michael Barrett, when you're judging that rib cook -off.

How can I forget? You have hands like a lumberjack. You flatter me.

Look out. Here comes the chop -o -matic.

You like that. I know.

I got you the biggest baked potato I could... Mark!

They're back.

But haven't they been gone for an hour? How could...

You

tell me. It's your follicular stimulant.

Yeah, but I never knew it would regenerate hair this aggressively.

Oh, we're freaks.

Yeah.

Did I have my potato?

Grab your thing, get in the car.

Walk the mountain in your style.

Spread your arms, raise in the air. It's a perfect day.

No one bought them, you were bound.

So just get lost until you're found.

Spread your arms, we will be an unsuperfect tale

Well, what do you think, Mr. LaMange?

Your ribs are excellent.

But not better than 9 .6, right?

Yes.

Why are the police here?

Jambon.

A couple of fellas.

What was that about?

You're under arrest.

Come on, let's go.

Why is Pierre Lamage under arrest?

Well, this guy is not Pierre Lamage.

What? He's an imposter. He goes around the country pretending he's Mr. Lamage

he can get free stuff and special VIP treatment.

No way. For real? Yep. We've been chasing this guy ever since the Burbank

Festival.

Birmingham has a tamale festival?

Put him in the car.

Wait!

Wait for Coco!

Step away from the car.

Uh, you have sauce all over your face.

Great.

Whole rib Coco was for nothing.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, we had some fun, had some ribs.

Got Stephen Kovstok with some big dude?

Yeah.

Right before he picked our ribs as number one.

Your ribs don't even come close to our ribs.

You don't know about my ribs. My grandma made my ribs. My grandma's better. Your

grandma's better.

We're all sick and tired of you two screaming at each other. So from now on,

more arguing.

Seriously.

They're right, you know.

Yeah.

So uh...

Three to four weeks.

Great. We gotta hide for a month.

You know, this is what's wrong with being a teenager.

We're all so worried about what everybody else thinks.

So what if you have giant shrubberies for eyebrows?

Who cares what people think?

You're saying I should go out there like this?

Okay.

And you're gonna go out with that wad of fur under your arm?

Why does someone even date him?

Oh, my grandma's sauce is amazing. I know, dude. Your rib rub is pretty good,

too. I know.

Hey, either of you guys want to dance?

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.