Original subtitles

Oh, good morning, Arthur.

Good morning, Percy.

Oh, give me the usual, will you?

Fine.

I said the usual.

Half pint.

There's some new faces.

Do you happen to have a copy of the local paper?

I think I've got this week somewhere.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

How long will you be staying, Mr Jeffreys?

About a week, I should think. Ten days, something like that.

On holiday?

No business.

Market research.

It's on the second floor.

We've no lift, I'm afraid.

I'll get Arthur to help you. No, that's all right. I can manage fine.

If you're staying in for dinner, the restaurant closes at nine. Oh, thanks.

Mr and Mrs, I think at least you'd buy her a wedding ring.

The mayor and his wife have left for a holiday in Malta.

A member of parliament will be speaking in the debate on the Common Market

Agricultural Policy. Stop working, Jane. This is a nice little town. Let's enjoy

ourselves.

How about a movie?

There doesn't seem to be a cinema.

Ah.

The Yachting Club have a dance at the Town Hall on Wednesday.

Well, that's one for you.

You're getting to be a workaholic, love.

I'm getting to be nervous, too.

When that copper stopped, I thought that was it.

It was only a routine check on car tax evaders.

He asked too many questions and took too many notes.

And your Australian accent's beginning to slip.

Oh, I'm sorry about that sport.

And we're still £1 ,000 from our target.

I think we can manage on less.

No, Steve, we need £15 ,000.

Look, first there's a single airfare to Melbourne. No, Sydney.

Sydney?

How about a nice little cafe on Bondi Beach?

Look, all you need is bamboo tables and awnings.

It'll be a quarter the price of fitting up a restaurant.

You can wait on the customers in a bikini.

And I'll go surfing when we've washed up the dishes.

How about it?

Waltzing Matilda.

Waltzing Matilda.

Won't you come a -waltzing Matilda with...

Come on, sport.

We've got work to do.

Yes? Good morning.

I'm engaged in market research for silvertone metal polish.

Well, you've probably heard about it. No.

Ah. Well, would you mind answering a few simple questions to help us provide a

better product for our consumers?

Well, we... But it'll only take a few minutes, really.

And it would help me.

All right.

You'd better come in.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, I'm looking for the club secretary.

I'm afraid it's not here.

Well, can I help?

Yes, perhaps you can.

I'm doing market research for silver -toned metal polish. I'm sure you've

of us. Well, it's after eleven.

Have a glass of sherry.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Oh, what a charming clock.

That was my husband's retirement gift.

It's very nice.

He died at ten to three, standing just where you are now.

He was always fiddling with that damn thing. I'm surprised it goes at all.

Your sherry?

Thank you.

Do sit down.

Cheers.

Cheers. Now, I understand from the local press that your club is holding a dance

on Wednesday.

That's right, every year. Now, what I'd like to do is to approach the

organisers. Now, if you'd be so kind as to give me their names and addresses...

Well, I'm not sure I can do that.

Nice little place you've got here, isn't it?

No, I do a bit of setting myself back home.

Oh, do you? Yeah.

Matter of fact, my father took me to a very local club in Sydney.

Really? Good afternoon.

I'm engaged in market research. Not today, thank you.

Well, the day wasn't entirely wasted.

I learned enough about failing to open a marina when we get to Australia.

I had a Mrs.

Milvane talked her head off after thick sherrys.

She must go down to the counter she keeps after that bottle all day.

Plenty of silver, and she lives on her own.

Obliging of her?

Mm, but she never goes out except to shop.

Well, for the sherry.

Presumably. Oh, then there was a Colonel Grant.

Grant? He insisted on showing me his huge stamp collection he started in his

school days.

Very boring. Colonel Grant, here we are. He's a member of the yachting club and

one of the organisers of the dance on Wednesday.

I shan't count on him being at the dance. He's only got one leg.

Hell.

Now, I've checked out more than a dozen sailing fanatics and I've got the

rateable values of their houses.

There are three front runners.

Lady Pope of Balston Hall.

Balston Hall's no good. They're bound to be servants.

True.

There's a couple called Slatter.

A red -roofed pond road.

I've been there.

It's got houses on three sides overlooking it.

How? Someone called Tabbit.

Millhouse Lane. I've been there, too.

I got coffee and cakes and a lecture of how there's plenty of work if only the

unemployed would get on their bikes and look for it.

And I feasted my eyes on cabinets of porcelain. Ah.

They breed bloodhounds.

Oh.

Oh, this just isn't our day, is it?

I'm beginning to wonder if time isn't running out on us. It's not easy here.

There's plenty of money around, but it's too built up. The houses are too close

together.

Not like Dorset.

Or Wiltshire.

Oh, Wiltshire was fun.

Wiltshire was five grand.

Well, do we take this town till the end of the week?

Or move on somewhere else?

Let's go down to the bar and listen to the local gossip.

Yes, I was in the library today.

Oh, usual death of anything to read, and I came on this.

Transactions of the Natural History Society of West Burford.

Yes, 1887.

Of course, I'm a great lover of useless information.

A snapper -up of uncut scissor trifles.

Now, Arthur, just listen to this. You're listening.

The dog is the only animal that dreams and the only animal that, besides man,

feels sorrow.

Yes, the dog is the only quadruped that's been taught to speak.

Leibniz, Leibniz, mark you, bears witness to a hound in Saxony that could

distinctly 30 words.

Well, now, Arthur, that is not only useless information, but it's entirely

erroneous information because...

Baboons. Now, baboons have been known to die among the quietest of.

And, you know, I knew, when I was in the desert, I knew a camel that used to

have nightmares. Oh, yes, yes, regularly woke up half the battalion screaming in

its sleep. Really? Yes, the camel, I mean.

Good evening, sir.

Bonsoir.

Mademoiselle.

That's all right. I'm in the chair. Have a drink with us. That's very nice. Yes,

I think I will.

No, Arthur, a whiskey, if you don't mind, please. Yes, a large one. Large

whiskey.

Well, are you touring?

No. No, we're working, unfortunately.

Oh, well, that's a big mistake. Yes.

What, Ed?

Market research.

Ah, market research.

Now, that's something I know nothing about. It's one of the few things I know

nothing about. Isn't that so, Arthur?

Yes, that's one of them. Thank you.

£2 .30, please, sir. Now, charge it, please.

Yes. Here's to your bonny bright eyes.

Mm -hm.

Oh, that's a good one.

Time for me to go, I'd say.

Imagine, a bus service, just arranging for the last bus to leave a half an hour

before closing time.

Silly, isn't it, Joe Arthur?

Hasta la vista, Arthur.

Arrivederci.

Good night.

Good night, Percy.

Is there anybody there?

Said the traveller, knocking on the moonlit door.

Quite a character.

Oh, yes, our old Percy. Quite a trial, too.

He's a regular. Who regular?

He comes in here twice a week to collect his pension, do his shopping, go to the

library. Then he blathers on in here to the last berth.

Well, it's all right with people like you, broad -minded.

But some people take exception.

Especially when he starts his lectures.

Drives us balmy.

Who is he?

Percy.

Seems he's been everything.

In the army.

Fezzy with an actor.

In Shakespeare.

Then I heard he was something big in the antique business.

Then he got into a bother.

Careful, Arthur.

Oh, come on, everyone knows about it.

He got into trouble with his taxes.

He talked his way out of it, but he had to pay up.

Now he lives in a tumble -down farmhouse out by Lower Pottage.

Will you both have a drink?

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

I should not let you buy him that scotch.

See how quick he took it.

And he spends four hours in here each Tuesday and Friday with just a half

He could buy drinks for half the town if he wanted.

Not beer, either.

Really?

Well, you wouldn't think so to look at him, would you?

He's loaded.

And I'll tell you something else.

One of the lads from the estate agent's office comes in here.

When Percy bought that cottage, he paid in cash.

All five pound notes.

And he never goes to the bank.

But he always pays cash everywhere.

When he pays at all, that is.

He is sitting on a fortune.

And it's all you do to get him to pay for his rounders, didn't you? No,

porridge.

I don't think we passed that on the way in, did we, darling?

I didn't hurt you, did I?

No, no, I don't think so.

Good, good. It's those damn squirrels. They eat everything I put out for the

birds.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm doing market research.

I wondered if you'd mind helping me.

Oh, for you, my dear.

I wouldn't mind at all.

Would you like to let yourself in?

Yes, thank you.

Good morning. Ah, yes, I remember you. In the bar.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, can you help me with these silly questions?

Silly questions?

Market research.

Ah, yes, market research.

Yes, come on, come on.

Market research. Go ahead, go ahead.

Yes, that's one of the few things I know nothing about.

Yes? Yes, questions?

Well, it's the way I make a living, you see. Oh, you really feel you have to do

that? What?

It's all right. Sit down.

Sit down.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Well, now.

Do you do your own cleaning?

Well, nobody helps me in my bath, if that's what you mean.

Pity.

I mean housework.

Yes, I suppose you do.

Well, I don't really feel there's any need because, well, I'm a very orderly

person. A place for everything.

Everything in its place.

So I can take it you don't use a metal polish?

Yes, that would be a fair assumption, yes.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid I must be wasting your time.

No, no, not at all.

Not at all. On the contrary.

Missed again.

Dan.

What's that?

What is my bracelet?

The glass is broken. It just keeps falling off.

Oh, I shouldn't bother with it, really.

I'll probably take it and trade it in somewhere.

But trade it in a place, did you?

Well, I know it's not worth much, but I should get at least a fiver for it

anyway. A fiver?

Or maybe ten.

Well, the guy who bought it wasn't a cheapskate. He'd have spent at least

much on it, I'm sure. No, I'm sure the chat would be falling over each other,

wouldn't they?

To allow us rubies and diamonds on you, my dear. It's a pity nobody ever thought

of gold, isn't it?

Well, one day, maybe. Yes, well, I can give you a tenner for it.

Well, it's very pretty.

And I like pretty things.

It'll remind me of you.

I couldn't.

Well, I'll give you fifteen.

No, I couldn't go any higher than fifteen.

Fifteen.

Well, it seems an awful lot.

All right, it's the deal. Good.

As I say, it'll remind me of you.

Jump in a minute.

There you are.

Well,

thank you, if you're sure.

Oh, I don't mind being taken advantage of. I'm used to it.

Generous to a fault, that's me.

But that's the way I like it.

All right, then.

Thank you.

Well, off you pop.

Before I change my mind.

All right.

Yes, well, shall I help you to the door?

Yes, thank you.

Yes, not at all.

Adieu, adieu, my fair young lady.

And may you find your rubies and diamonds.

I'll be quite happy with the gold.

Quite. Goodbye.

Arrivederla.

Well done, love.

So,

you see, the dinosaur rules for 140 million years.

And 65 million years ago, according to Professor Toon, California Research

Center, there was a collision between an asteroid and the Earth.

The same thing could happen to us, couldn't it? Hmm?

You wouldn't like that to happen to you, would you, Beryl?

He's let the light off.

Yes, he's called the burglar, isn't he?

Hey, there must be a window we can get in. Let's try around the back.

Right.

Now, I have a theory that we've got a survivor in this country, the

ichthyosaurus, the Loch Ness Monster.

This room here.

You try the deck.

By the way, by the way, have you seen our parish church?

Oh, biggest font in Britain.

That's a rather large day, isn't it?

We shall be seeing the church.

Ah, good, good. Well, enjoy it. And don't pinch the candlesticks.

We are here for a funeral.

Not yours, I hope.

Why can't you keep your mouth shut in here?

I beg your pardon?

Yep, yep, yep. On and on for four hours every time you come in here. What do we

get for it? The price of a half pint.

There's customers who go to the Swan because they'd rather listen to a

than you.

Would you really say that my customer is no longer welcome here? We are entitled

by law to refuse to serve you without giving a reason. Yes, well, you never

about the law.

I certainly won't stay where I'm not wanted.

Yeah, well, you won't see me again.

Good. And love to Arthur.

Happy funerals.

Hello, Percy.

Have they chucked you out, then? No, no.

I've just been barred, that's all. Imagine me being barred by a barrel.

Because I missed the 9 o 'clock. That's now left to wait a whole hour.

Another one. Oh, well, I'm off home. Come on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, thank you. Yes, early start tomorrow.

Thank you very much. Come in.

It's no good. There's nothing up here.

Let's try downstairs.

Here, take it if you want. It'll be nice.

Here.

Let's try over here.

There's any card here, I'm sure.

Good luck with it.

Maybe we'll come.

Well, well, well.

Market research.

Oh, Mr Percy. Thank goodness you've arrived.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The cash.

Oh, yeah. You mean you haven't found it yet?

Oh, well, I was not going to show you.

Simple, really.

Oh, dear.

Now, would you mind putting your hands up, please? Thank you very much.

Both of you.

Yes.

See?

As many as slip.

The shot from the woods.

I didn't know what happened.

It was pitch black.

And then this shot.

It's all right now, love. They're looking after him. I don't know who it

A poacher, I suppose.

He ran off.

And I got Steve to the car.

We'll need a statement from you later, but you needn't worry for a bit.

Oh, here's the doctor.

Is he all right?

No, there's a problem.

He's a rare blood group and we don't have it.

He needs a massive transfusion straight away and the nearest stock's in

Cambridge. It'll take an hour at least.

But he will be all right.

I'm sorry. They're sending the stock from Cambridge just in case.

Yes.

That's right.

I see.

Well, it's certainly worth a try.

Ask the police to get a car over there straight away.

I'll ring him from here and get him standing by.

Hmm.

Yes, I've got it.

Right.

Seems that there is a suitable dinner on our books.

Or rather, there was.

This chap's officially off the list now because he's overage.

Can't afford to be choosy, though, can we?

A chap called Percy Hampton.