Original subtitles

I personally think this story is funny.

But if your sense of humour doesn't happen to be the same as mine, then I'm

afraid you're going to be a bit disturbed by what goes on.

And by the way, if any of you are tempted to think it's all pretty far

then you should stop and think and ask yourself seriously whether such a thing

as this could really happen.

The answer is yes, of course it could.

Even to you.

Billy Weaver was travelling down from London on the slow afternoon train with

change of twins along the way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Not at all.

Excuse me.

Do you know Bob?

Certainly. You, I take it, do not. No.

This is my first visit.

The case?

No.

I've been assigned to our branch office.

We got knocked down like a pot.

Mr.

Greenslade, he's our personnel manager at head office in London. He says, well,

he says I'll profit from the experience.

I sincerely hope you do.

What line of business are you in?

Insurance.

All risk.

I suppose I could say the same.

Ah, okay.

Bath is the most beautiful city.

You'll like it, I'm sure.

One sometimes feels time has stopped.

Goodness me, it wins like a knife.

Good night, good night.

You could try the Bell and Dragon, straight down the road about a quarter

mile. They might take you.

You can't miss it.

AA recommend. Right, thanks.

But if they're full, there are plenty of B &Bs in Bath, and much cheaper, of

course. B &Bs, bed and breakfast.

Landlady's Kipper's Roller Towel.

Good luck. God bless. Bye -bye.

be here too.

I can feel it.

You've made up your mind, really.

You know you have.

Please come in.

I haven't taken my finger off the bell.

Don't come in. It's so cold out, isn't it?

Yes, but... You saw the notice in the window?

Yes, yes, I did.

I knew you would.

New?

That's why I put it there. You need a room.

Well, yes, as a matter of fact. It's all ready for you, my dear.

But I was going to the Bell and Dragon.

They're full.

Full? They always telephone me when they are. We have a little joke about it.

I'm their overflow, a sort of annex to the official hotel.

Do come out of the cold.

Oh, excuse my asking, but how... Four pounds.

You won't find anywhere more reasonable. And that includes an egg for breakfast.

Oh.

Well, that's fantastic.

The bell and dragon charges more than double. But they're full anyway.

Thanks, men.

What we used to call commercial travellers. I never take that sort of

Do come in.

We'll all sit at the chain at night.

Safer.

Welcome home, dear.

Home?

I tell all my guests that to treat my house as home.

Home from home, dear.

Oh, do put your hat there.

And let me help you with your coat. Thank you.

Bet you're from London, aren't you? That's right, yes.

You'll find a bath so much more restful.

Shall I lead the way?

Oh, please.

We have the house all to ourselves.

The fact is, I'm just a teeny -weeny bit loosey.

Particular, if you see what I mean.

But I'm always ready. Be prepared, as I used to say in the Girl Guides.

Everything's always ready here.

Trust on me. Oh, John.

That an acceptable young gentleman should come along. And it's such a

when I do happen to open a door. Oh, to some lonely man who's just exactly

right.

Like you, dear.

This floor is mine.

I shouldn't rely on that, dear.

It stopped ages ago. I see.

Quite.

You intend to work at Mars? Yes, I've been sent down to our brown top.

What fun.

Oh, no, after you, dear.

It's your room.

It's super. It's very nice. I'm so glad you like it, dear.

The morning sun comes right in the window, Mr Perkins.

It is Mr Perkins, isn't it?

No.

No, it's Weaver, as a matter of fact. William Weaver.

Of course, Mr Weaver. How silly of me.

Weaver. Such a nice, reliable name, too.

I've put a hot water bottle in your bed.

It's such a comfort, don't you think?

to find a hot water bottle in a strange bed.

And do light the gas fire at any time if you can till it. Thank you.

That's very kind.

I'm so glad you materialised.

I was beginning to get worried in case my inner voice had let me down.

Inner voice?

Intuition, dear.

But then, just as I thought it had got too late, there you were.

Now, how about supper?

Oh, I'm not hungry, thank you.

I had some sandwiches on the train. My mother made them.

Ham and watercress. How nice.

Plenty of iron and watercress.

Good for the blood.

I think I'll just go straight to bed as I've got to get up rather early

tomorrow, you see.

So as to report to the office.

Of course, dear.

Oh, uh, the you -know -where is at the end of the palette.

Well, I'll leave you to unpack.

But before you go to bed, would you be so kind as to pop downstairs and find

guest book on the piano?

Everyone has to.

It's the law of the land, and we don't want to go breaking the law, do we?

And remember that, no bargaining when it comes down.

Dear Mum and Dad,

just a quick newsflash to say I've arrived in one piece.

Good lodgings with a nice landlady.

A bit crazy, but okay.

Sort of everyone's favourite aunt.

Very cosy.

Don't let my awful sister drag you down.

Joke.

Love.

Billy. Oh, I'm so glad you remember the book.

That's funny.

Hmm?

These names.

Gregory Temple and Christopher Mulholland.

Charming bowling.

They sound sort of familiar.

Do they?

Hmm.

I'm sure I've heard of them somewhere before.

Really? What fun.

Was it in the paper?

Oh, I couldn't have thought so, dear.

Perhaps they're famous footballers or pop stars.

Famous? No, but they were extraordinarily handsome.

And the date?

This entry's over two years old, and Christopher Mulholland's is nearly a

before that, July 75.

How time does lie, Mr Wilkins.

Weaver.

W -E -A -V -E -R.

Silly me, I do apologise.

In one ear, out the other, that's me.

Weaver, Mr Weaver, Weaver. I must have meant it in my mind.

It's kind of peculiar, you see.

Mulholland and Temple.

sort of connect.

You know, go together in my mind, like, um... Laurel and Hardy, you know?

I don't, dear.

Your tea's all done. Oh, you couldn't have bothered. It was no problem.

Do come and sit down.

That's right. By me, dear.

Um... Oh!

What I mean is, it's... Oh, it's stupid.

It's on the tip of me tongue. Now, where have I heard those two names before?

Got it!

Mulholland! Sugar? He was on a walking tour of the West Country, and he... Oh,

three lumps, please. He was a schoolboy at Eton. Oh, no, dear, that can't be

right. My Mr Mulholland was at Cambridge.

He was an undergraduate.

Biscuit?

How cosy.

The fire isn't too hot for you, is it?

I do hope you like China tea.

It's very nice.

Dear Mr Mulholland, such a one for his tea. I never saw anyone drink so much

tea.

Has he stayed with you recently?

Sweet boy.

I know. I saw his name in the papers.

Oh, my.

I like a ginger biscuit to be crisp.

Mr. Mulholland is staying here now, and Mr. Temple. They're both still with me.

Oh.

Will I meet them?

D .V., as we say.

Mm -hmm.

God willing, dear. Oh.

How old are you, Mr... Mr... Don't tell me.

Wheel... Weaver.

There.

Oh, what a relief.

Yes. Eighteen. I'm eighteen.

Eighteen. Oh, it's the perfect age.

Mr Mulholland was seventeen when he first stayed with me.

He can't have... He can't have been.

He was.

But you can't go to Cambridge when you're seventeen.

You can if you're clever, dear. He was terribly clever. A scholar. Very

studious. He was a trifle shorter than you, and his teeth weren't quite the

white of yours.

You had the most beautiful teeth, Mr Weaver.

My dad calls them my whited sepulchres.

You should see the fillings at the back.

Mr Temple was rather older, 28 in fact, but I'd never have believed him if he

hadn't told me.

He hadn't a blemish on his body.

A baby.

More tea?

No, thanks.

That parrot.

When I first saw it, I thought... You thought he was alive?

Yes.

Alas, no.

Poor Sinbad.

May I look?

Of course, dear. Of course.

Pretty boy.

Sinbad always said that. So full of himself.

It's amazingly clever.

Who did it? It doesn't look dead at all.

I know.

I did it, dear.

You did?

Yes.

Excuse me.

I do feel...

This room does get very warm. Have you met Basil?

That's why he didn't bark when I came in. Basil was a terrible barker.

Oh, he reeled hard.

Must be awfully difficult to do a thing like that. On the contrary, no.

Not a creature one has loved.

That way one can go on loving him forever and ever and ever.

Oh. I'm sorry, I must sit down.

You did find the book, didn't you?

Yes. Good.

More tea?

No, thank you.

I stuff all my little pets when they pass away.

I'm glad you remember the book.

Because later, if I forget, and you know now what a one I am for forgetting, I

can always pop down and look it up.

I still do that every day with Mr Mulholland and Mr... Mr...

Oh, they're gone again.

I remember now.

Bedtime, dear.

Up we go.

I'm nearly there.

That's a good boy.

In we go.

The tea tasted bitter.

Quite dear, exactly.

To help you sleep.

I must breathe.

The place for you was bad, Billy.

Did you undress me?

Of course, dear.

And believe me, you're just as handsome as the others.

No need to blush.

You're beautiful.

Right, Mr. Wilkins.

Still reading, Mr. Mulholland.

Can't you see that Mr. Temper wants to sleep?

Nice job, boys.