Original subtitles

$300 bid. Anywhere.

$300 bid I'm looking for anywhere.

$300 bid I got. Now at $300 bid I got and $300.

$325 bid anyone.

$325 bid anyone. I had $300 bid once. I had $300 bid twice.

I'm calling you for the third and the last call.

All through and all done, sold to the gentleman right over there, who has just

become the proud owner of a corset worn by Vivian Lee at Scarlet O 'Hara in Gone

with the Wind. And I hope it looks half as good on you as it did on her.

$300 for a 60 -year -old girdle. Oh, would you lighten up? It's for a good

cause. Hey, here's something you might like.

An ashtray from the set of Casablanca, complete with the butts of five

cigarettes smoked by Humphrey Bogart himself.

And now for all of you comedy fans out there. Our next item includes not only a

ringside table at Kiki's Comedy Club, where the man better known to some of

as the Laugh King will be appearing next week, but also a chance to meet and

have dinner with the great man himself, Mr. Harvey Chase.

I thought he was dead.

Well, he's got to be at least 80. I can't believe he's still performing.

You're going to bid on this?

Somebody give me $100.

$100 bid anywhere.

$100 bid I'm looking for. Anywhere. $100 bid I got now. Will you give me $100

and a quarter?

At $100 and a quarter now. Will you give me $100 and a quarter? $100 and a

quarter I got. $100 and a quarter now. At $100 and a half. At $100 and a half

now. Anywhere $100 and a half. Yes.

$150 now to $175.

$175 bid. Yes. At $175 and now $200. At $200 bid. Yes. I have $200.

I have $200.

Someone do it in a quarter. I have $200.

I have $200.

Someone $2 .25.

Yes, I have $2 .25.

I have $2 .25.

Someone $2 .50. Anywhere $250.

I have $225 bid once.

I have $225 bid twice.

For the third and the last call, sold $225 to the gentleman

in the silk sucker suit and evening with Harvey Chase.

Boy, am I going bad lately. I'm unlucky.

Really, three months ago, I loaned my best friend $10 ,000 to have his face

fixed. Now I can't find the guy.

Folks, I'm only working this club on account of my health.

My doctor told me to stay away from crowds.

You laugh pretty good.

You know, somebody wake up that guy and tell him where he is.

Oh, boy.

What was I talking? Oh, yeah, I was just talking about my age.

Hey,

let's not kid around. I'm putting on a little mileage myself.

For example, this morning, this is a true story. For example, this morning, I

went into a restaurant, ordered three -minute eggs, and the waitress made me

up front money.

Oh,

you're terrific.

Keep laughing.

Mr. Chase?

Hi,

I'm Ben Matlock.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

You were fantastic.

I haven't laughed that hard since the first time I saw you on the Ed Sullivan

show.

Thank you.

So I did have an audience. I thought I might have wandered into a funeral home.

Oh, no.

Mr. Chase, I'm supposed to have dinner with you tonight. Remember that charity

auction? Mine was the highest bid.

Oh, really? What was it?

$225.

Well, I guess my standing isn't too bad.

Harvey, can I talk to you for a moment?

Not now, Kiki.

I'm afraid Clarence Darrow here and I were about to go out to dinner.

Maybe some other time, huh?

Look. Harvey.

Tomorrow night, here before the show, we'll talk. Is that right? Okay. You're

not going to be here tomorrow night.

It's not going to work, Harvey.

Another three nights like tonight, this place will be toast.

I'm sorry.

Here, Cheeky.

Cheeky.

I'll tell you something.

You let me down. You chinst on me. That's what you did. You chinst on me.

ran one lousy four -inch ad in the newspaper. Nobody knew I was here.

Harvey, you know I love you.

But we are dying here.

Comedy has changed.

People come here expecting to see what they see on cable, only live.

So, who's going to replace me?

I just got off the phone with Billy Joe Walker.

Billy Joe Walker?

That toilet mouth bum?

He's doing a gig in Tahoe next month, wants a place to try out some new

material. What new material?

All he does is scratch his butt, grab himself and insult women.

And he packs the house every night.

I'm sorry, Harvey. I really am.

I'll have you checked first thing in the morning.

She's wrong, Mr. Chase.

For what it's worth.

You're still tops in my book.

Very kind of you, but looks like your book's out of circulation.

How about taking a rain check on that dinner?

I don't think I'd be a barrel of laps tonight.

Thank you anyway.

Three more in there, and find me a real skinny couple and put them at table ten.

Got it? Okay.

Backstage. Got a problem.

What the hell is going on in there? She decided to come see him tonight after

all.

Get back to work.

I'm warning you, babe. You better cut it out. I've had it with you and your

bimbos, Felicio. This time you...

It's meat, you dumb broad. Dead meat.

Whatever!

Both of you, knock it off. They can hear you out front. You never could swing a

golf club worth a damn.

Knock first next time, huh?

I'm going to get you for this.

My wife.

I think I'll beat her.

I mean, keep her.

You're on in 15 minutes.

Russell.

What are you doing here, man?

What do you think?

You didn't have to come down here, man. I told you I'd get it, didn't I?

Yeah, several times.

I'll have it for you by the end of the week. I swear, man. I'm not lying.

I swear.

Look at all you dudes out there with your ladies.

Huh? They picking up the tab?

No way, man. No way.

Not as long as they could con you slobs into paying the freight.

Hey, man, though, do not get me wrong. I love women.

I think every guy should own one.

Now, there's a good -looking babe right down front.

Low mileage, nice pink job, great set of headlights.

Hey, pal, is this your wife?

Yeah. What are you going to do?

You got any nude pictures of her?

You want to buy some?

I tell you, I was out with the dumbest broad I've ever been out with last week.

I'm out with her in... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Well, well, well, folks, look who's here.

Harvey Chase, boys and girls.

Did stand up back in Neanderthal days.

How you doing, Harvey?

Hear you bombed pretty good last night.

What, did you come back to take notes?

Or are you too busy copping the field from that blonde bimbo sitting next to

there?

Billy Joe, you like four -letter words, don't you?

Did you ever hear of a four -letter word called soap?

Only from a washed -up comic.

You know, Billy Joe, you got everything.

You ought to be quarantined.

I'm going to make you eat those words as soon as you put your dentures back in.

You know what, Billy Joe?

From where I'm sitting, you're really ugly.

And you're blotto.

Yeah, but I'll be sober in the morning.

Go on back to Jurassic Park, old man. Okay, go, go. I need you buttoned into

act like you need a vasectomy.

You lousy, worthless little punk.

I was bigger than you'll ever be.

I was Broadway, television, motion pictures, nightclubs, Vegas.

Take it easy, Bobby. I can't take it easy.

Hey, Kiki, my pop's a drink on me. Oh, shut up. Something that matches his

career. Something on the rock.

That guy's about as much fun as passing a kidney stone.

You know what I'm saying?

All right, you freaks, have another drink.

Take care of your bodily functions and fasten your seatbelts because when I

back, we're going to rock and roll.

I'll leave the jokes to Billy Joe.

But let me just tell you what's coming up in the next couple weeks here, Kiki.

Showtime. Let's go.

Billy Joe.

Here's another funny one. When my cousin was arrested, I asked him what the

charge was.

And he said, what charge?

Everything's free.

One time in New York, this guy comes up to me and he says, have you seen a cop

around here? I said, no.

So he said, stick him up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse me. My lawyer's here.

He's a very brilliant attorney.

Ben, did you get everything cleared up?

That broken glass they found on the floor next to Billy Joe's body had

creme de menthe in it.

That's a tasty drink.

Can I go now?

Also had your fingerprints all over it.

You were backstage that night.

I felt like a jerk for coming unglued during the show. It was very

unprofessional. So I had a few belts, then I went back to apologize to him.

What did you say? Never talked to him. I knocked on the door and I said it was

me, but he didn't answer me.

So I said, to hell with it. Then I went out the back door and I walked over to

the Squires Club to play cards. That's what I did.

Any idea what time it was?

11, 12.

I don't know.

Okay. Is that important? Thank you very much. Billy Joe was last seen alive

around 11 .30. We can prove you were long gone by then.

We're home free.

Any idea how your creme de menthe glass got in that dressing room? Not a clue.

Or how all those stains got on your handkerchief?

What stains?

Creme de menthe and ink stains.

The police found a puddle of cream de menthe on this pad that Louis Joe was

riding on when he got clobbered. They think the killer spilled the drink and

then tried to mop it up and got ink all over every place in the process.

Well, hold on. It wasn't me.

And I don't know how those stains got there.

You didn't use your handkerchief at all that night.

I'd remember if I did.

I got a great memory, Mr. Murdoch.

Oh, this is weird.

The police found a list of license numbers in Billy Joe's wallet.

License numbers?

Yeah, they're checking on it. Anything else?

Nothing that'll help us.

You said you went to the Squire's Club to play cards.

That's right.

Who'd you play with?

The gentleman I've been discussing who he plays with.

Marty Willis. I worked with him in New York back in the days of live

Call him. Tell him we need to talk to him. There's a phone in the front room.

Might be quieter.

You want me to call him on the phone?

Yeah, here. I'll show you where it is. Oh, thank you.

That cracks me up.

Well, that makes one of us.

You don't think he's funny?

Well, he's always on. He never stops.

Yeah?

How about a little wager?

I bet by the time this thing's over, Harvey will have you laughing as hard as

me.

Ten bucks.

Ten bucks.

Harvey said you talked to him several times that night.

Oh, yeah.

I felt horrible about that scene between him and Billy Joe. I mean, it was ugly.

Did you happen to notice what time he left?

It was so crazy in here that night, Hillary Clinton could have walked in. I

wouldn't have noticed.

Billy Joe really packed him in, huh? Did he ever.

I stood to clear ten grand a night by booking him.

Wow.

How'd you swing that anyway?

I mean, why wasn't he playing Vegas or something?

I lucked out.

He was doing this gig in Tahoe next month. He wanted a place to try out some

material. Since I'd given him a break when he was an absolute nobody, he gave

a break, stepped in for Harvey.

Big mistake.

Booking Billy Joe?

Booking Harvey.

I was trying to do something novel, something different.

I figured Harvey'd come across as so unhip he'd be hip.

You know what I mean?

I think I do.

I was wrong.

Harvey just came across as, uh, old.

Uh, Marty and I used to be a team.

But we decided to break up so we could remain good friends instead.

Barb, did I tell you? I got a new girlfriend.

You're kidding. Still chasing women at your age?

Hey, dogs chase cars, but they can't drive.

Funny, funny, funny.

Maybe we better get down to business.

My business has always been down. Even when your business was up, your business

was down.

Okay, okay. Now, Mr. Willis, do you remember what time it was when Harvey

over here to play cards with you two nights ago?

Well, let's see. It was around 12 .30, I think.

Or it might have been a little later than that.

I mean earlier.

Earlier than that, around 11.

11 .15?

The truth is you don't know, do you, mister?

That's why the act broke up.

The dummy can't remember one line on this son of a cue card.

You told him on the phone what to say? All I asked you to say was one lousy

to remember that you were with me from 11 .15 to 12 .30.

Let's go.

That's all he had to remember was just one lousy line.

He's pitiful.

Pityful, that's all.

I understand that you and your husband had a fight the night that he died.

I fought with my husband every night.

Did you always go after him with the golf club?

I found him cheating on me. I lost my temper.

Oh.

Mrs. Walker, who's in the bathroom?

No one.

No one.

Then, um, why are you wearing lipstick and there's none on that cigarette you

just put out?

Yeah? Put a towel on.

This is Jeremy.

Hi. How you doing?

We've been friends for almost a year now.

Oh.

Well, what's good for the duck is good for the dander.

You mean what's good for the goose is good for the gander? Whatever.

I threw that scene in the dressing room because it would have made Billy Joe

suspicious if I hadn't.

I didn't want him to know I was cheating on him.

Lousy creep would have dumped me, left me with nothing.

Which is what I ended up with anyway.

You're a spouse. Aren't you entitled to all of his assets?

Assets?

Billy Joe was tapped, baby.

To the tune of half a million.

Dollars? He liked to play golf.

For money.

But he was too stupid to realize he was a lousy player.

Wound up owing some loan shark 500 grand.

Come to think of it, he was there that night.

Who, the loan shark?

Yeah, Russ Tyler, a local boy.

Must have been putting the muscle on him or something.

He owed somebody a half million dollars.

Yeah, Russ Tyler, a loan shark. We're searching for him as we speak.

Billy Joe must be under a lot of pressure. Oh, remind me to call

Crowley. That list of license plate numbers that Billy had in his wallet

belonged to stolen cars.

What's he doing with a list of stolen cars?

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry to bother you. I'm looking for Harvey.

Do you want me to cook up another story?

Oh, no.

I discovered I'm worse at perjury than I am at gin rummy.

Is he here?

I haven't seen him since this morning.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh?

Well, I was worried about him. I couldn't find him, so I got the manager

me into his apartment.

His clothes and all of his joke files are gone.

I'm afraid he may have left town.

He jumped bail?

Well, he couldn't jump far.

He can't drive, and he's petrified of flying.

I hate to disturb you, but I wondered if you would be so kind as... I'd be very,

very, very happy to.

What's your name?

Roy. Roy.

Harvey... Chase.

There you are, sir.

Well, actually, I just wondered if you could tell me how to get to the Parkview

Hotel from here.

Oh.

Thank you, Matt.

There you are. Thank you.

Your attention to the terminal, please. We will now begin boarding line 1565,

service New Orleans.

All ticket holders, please board down to door number three.

Over there.

Mr. Chase?

Mr. Chase?

Harvey, I know you're in there.

My name is Irving, and go away or I'll have you arrested for sexual harassment.

Come on, Mr. Chase.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find this guy?

You rush Tyler?

Yep.

I'm Ben Matlock, lawyer, represent Harvey Chase. Is that right?

I understand Ben is Joe Walker's customer here.

Maybe.

And I hear that you were at Kiki's Club the night he was murdered.

So? Well, maybe you went there to get the money he owed you, and he told you

go fly a kite, only maybe not so nice, and maybe that made you mad, real mad.

If somebody were to make me mad enough to forget that they owed me a half a

million bucks, I'd have ripped them apart with my bare hands, not beamed

with a golf club.

Well, maybe you wanted to frame somebody.

Like an old man who had just had a fight with him in public.

Billy Joe was still on stage when I left.

You can ask the guy who was parking cars that night.

I drive a big red Mercedes and I'm a very good tipper.

He'll remember.

Now get out of the way of my bag.

I can't punch him.

We can't give up.

Well, he's got to come out of there sometime.

Well, I don't intend to wait.

Mr. James?

Evening, folks. How y 'all?

Me, I'm getting a little absent -minded.

Last night, I kissed the cat and put my wife out.

I have this friend of mine. He takes his wife everywhere he goes.

He can't stand to kiss her goodbye.

No, really.

I'm getting a little long in the tooth, like George Burns.

I order three -minute eggs, and the waitress has me... The

waitress wants me to... To put up front money.

Yeah, put up... Not bad, Mr. Matlock.

Has Harvey been giving you lessons?

Oh, no.

It's just, I mean, I saw the microphone in the ham, and we just naturally took

off. Happy to everybody.

Nice to see you again. Nice to see you again. I need to talk to the person who

was parking cars here the night of the murder.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, that would be Rick Evans.

Do you want his phone number?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

He's in some kind of trouble.

Oh, no. I'm just trying to find out if one of our suspects is telling the truth

at all.

Oh. Well.

Here you go. Thank you.

How's Harvey doing?

He's fine. He's full of surprises.

Well, next time you see him, tell him I'm still pulling for him. I will.

Next time I see him, I'll tell him all the things.

What the hell?

That's it, Harvey. Come out of there this instant.

Leanne? Out, Harvey. Right now.

No, you get out.

This is the men's room.

I am not leaving here without you.

Send Cliff back in.

At least he laughs at my jokes.

Harvey, now you listen to me.

If you leave town, Kiki is going to lose all of the money that she put up for

your bail.

That's $50 ,000.

She can't afford that, Harvey.

She's going to lose the club.

She is going to lose everything.

Now, is that what you want?

Well, is it?

You know, you're just like my first wife.

She had the same annoying habit of being right all the time.

Don't blame her.

You gotta forgive her. It's my fault.

You see, when I kiss her earlobe, she follows me everywhere.

Come on.

How could you even think of jumping bail?

I wasn't thinking.

Didn't you realize how guilty it would have made you look?

I just suddenly felt like going someplace, that's all.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in prison?

You're giving me a heartburn. I hope you're happy.

Harvey, that handkerchief with the cream de menthe and ink stains on it, how did

it wind up in your pocket?

You got me.

Who hates you enough to frame you for murder?

That's easy.

My first wife in the audience at the Blue Mill in Newark. That was in 1932.

Harvey, this is important.

Maybe somebody picked your pocket or something. Do you remember anybody

you that night?

Believe me, I'd remember if I was jostled.

At my age, jostling is about the closest thing I can get to sex. Stop it,

Harvey.

What's it take to get you serious? A trip to the hospital?

Ben, please don't bring that up. Hospitals, to me, I hate them. The last

was in a hospital, the food was so bad, I begged them to feed me intravenously.

But what the hell? I got group insurance. I get a hundred grand if I

group. Like this guy I knew that...

I'm

sorry, Ben.

I can't help it.

It's a reflex.

Seems to me it's more like your way of burying your head in the sand.

I've had it all my lifetime.

The star treatment, the works.

So much comes with being famous.

It's like a...

Golden baskets filled with all kinds of wonders and goodies.

Glamour, expensive clothes, big cars, big homes, women.

So many women.

There was this redhead in Des Moines with the biggest pair of...

Then

one day that... golden basket is empty.

Everything's gone.

No spotlights, no TV shows, no women, nothing.

All stolen by time.

Then you suddenly realize you've gone through the five stages of show

business.

Who's Harvey Chase.

Get me Harvey Chase.

Get me young Harvey Chase.

Get me a Harvey Chase type.

Who's Harvey Chase?

Two wives, two dogs, and a blind parakeet.

All flown to coop.

When everything else deserts, man's got to have at least one thing

left.

Dignity. A reason for being alive.

But my only dignity is making people laugh.

It's my bread and butter.

I need laughter to live.

It's all I have left.

I want to help you.

But you have to help me.

Now, which pocket was that handkerchief of yours in

when the police took it away from you?

But the top pocket of my coat, the same place as it always is. And it was there

when you went to Kiki's, you're sure?

I'm positive.

Yeah. And you didn't use it at all that night?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe you let somebody else use it. I said I don't remember, Benny. You've got

to. Now think.

You don't understand.

After Toilet Mouth humiliated me like that, I just didn't drink that bottle of

cream de menthe.

I crawled into it.

I was smashed.

I'm sorry.

My nephew, he used to drive my car sometimes.

Was he driving it the night it was stolen?

Nobody was driving it. It was parked right there, right in front of this

when the bum stole it.

You're not his lawyer, are you? Who, the bum?

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I work for someone else.

Your car was on a list of cars that may or may not have something to do with my

client's case.

Did you ever get the car back?

No. Police caught the bum.

They said all the cars that he stole, he took apart and sold the pieces.

My nephew said he was going to take him apart if he ever sees him again.

He knew the guy?

Oh, yeah, the bum used to park cars at this club Joey goes to.

Cookies. Kikis.

Kikis, yeah.

Place where you sit there and listen to people tell jokes.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Listen to this headline.

Murder, no joke.

Laugh King Harvey Chase.

goes on trial today for the slaying of comic Billy Joe Walker.

He was a comic, then I'm a brain surgeon.

Now, that's just the kind of wisecrack I don't want you making in court. I want

you to sit there with a nice, pleasant look on your face so the jury thinks

you're a nice, pleasant person. Don't forget, your whole future is in their

hands. Terrific.

I'm being judged by a dozen people who don't have the brains enough to get out

of jury duty.

Sorry, what I just said, I'm just trying to get everything out of my system,

that's all.

Time to go.

Ben, I want to thank you, and Ben, may I say that whatever happens,

I just want you to know that I appreciate what you've done for me,

that you've done for me, and if I...

It's a gag.

Your hackership is still clean.

Look at it.

I was faking it.

You're laughing.

Oh, you thought that was funny, huh?

No, I didn't.

But I loved it.

Mr. Rice, will you please tell the court who Mark Heffler is?

He used to be a valet at my club. He used to park cars.

I understand he was a friend of Billy Joe Walker's.

That's right, he was.

Where is Mark Heflin now, do you know?

I believe he's in prison.

How come?

He got caught stealing cars.

Did you know he was a car thief?

Of course not.

You know, in asking around, it's just checking.

I discovered that all these stolen cars had something in common. At one time or

another, they had all been parked in the lot next to your comedy club. Now, I

wonder why that was.

I have no idea.

Well, it could be that Mark Heffler made impressions of the keys from the more

valuable cars he was parking and then made duplicate keys when he went home

then used those duplicate keys to steal those cars later at his leisure. Now,

that could be, couldn't it?

Oh, yeah.

I guess it could.

And all those stolen cars had something else in common, too.

The police found a list of all their license plate numbers in Billy Joe

wallet after he was murdered. Now, I wonder why he had a list like that.

How the heck should I know?

Well, Mark Heffler was his friend.

Could be that he told him about the thing he had going with the cars and

Joe needing money and needing it bad.

Figured out how to get that money.

By blackmailing somebody, um, like you.

He wasn't blackmailing me. He didn't threaten to go to the police and tell

that you not only knew about the car thefts, but you were taking a piece of

action? That's not true. A police investigation, whether it turned up

or not, would have ruined you. I know that. You know that. Billy Joe, he knew

that, too. That's the real reason he stepped in for Harvey. He found a way to

bleed you dry, and he took it, didn't he?

That's... a lie.

Well, what was his cut anyway? Was it 80%, 90 %?

Objection. Your Honor, I enjoy a good fishing expedition as much as the next

person, but really.

But really?

Miss Harrington, fishing expedition? I was just asking this nice lady some

questions. Your Honor, could you make him stop?

Mr. Medlock, don't make me.

Don't make you do what, Your Honor? Throw you out of this courtroom.

Objection sustained.

Well, how about if I just slip right on down to the proof part?

If you have a proof part, by all means, slip right on down.

Yes, sir. I'll just whiz right on down to it.

Right here.

This handkerchief.

With all the cream de menthe stains on it and the ink stains on it. The one

somebody slipped out of Harvey's pocket the night he had the fight

with Billy Joe Walker.

That wasn't me. I bet it was.

I bet you eased that handkerchief out of his pocket and then very gently took

that grass cream de menthe out of his hand and then walked on down the big

to Billy Joe's dressing room and murdered him so he couldn't blackmail

anymore. No, I didn't. And then I bet you took Harvey's handkerchief and wiped

your fingerprints off the golf club you used to kill him with.

and then took the glass of creme de menthe, dropped it on the pad he was

on, then took Harvey's handkerchief, mopped up the creme de menthe, making

you got plenty of ink on it. No.

And then put it in your purse, went back out to the club, gave Harvey one more

big hug, slipped it in his pocket.

That's a lie.

Objection, Your Honor. That's not proof.

That's random speculation.

It's not random speculation, Your Honor. I said it's part of the proof.

And here's the rest of the truth. Right, Chief?

Your Honor. Okay.

What's in the fact?

How about showing us what's in the fact?

Please tell the court what that is.

It looks like one of my purses.

It's one of your purses. The police found it in your closet just a little

ago.

It smells like creamed meat, doesn't it?

I probably spilled some on it at the club one night.

But the smell's not on the outside.

It's on the inside.

Ain't that sweet?

The police identified that stain as creme de menthe stain.

And this darker stain right here, they identified that as an ink stain.

The same ink stain as is on Harvey's handkerchief.

And on the pad, Billy Joe was writing on whom he was murdered.

Now, how could that be, Miss Rice?

How could that be?

Unless you murdered Billy Joe, just like I said.

And then put Harvey's handkerchief back in the purse.

Went back out front.

So you could plant it on Harvey.

You saw a way to save yourself from ruin.

And frame a man.

whose life you considered was already over anyway.

And you took it, didn't you?

We find the defendant not guilty.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for a job well done.

This court is adjourned.

Your Honor,

could I say a few words? Harvey, no. Well, I suppose.

I'd like to say I've enjoyed all of this.

I liked it, but I can't.

Oh, what a crowd. What an opening night.

It's a great room, this Lido room.

I'm so happy.

And I'll tell you why I'm happy.

Well, there's two reasons.

I'm happy being here. And the other reason I'm happy is last month.

Are you ready?

I had a birthday. I was 82.

Thank you very much. And I want to tell you guys in the audience

that sex at 82 is terrific.

Especially the one in the winter.

It wasn't always that way. My second wife, Louise, she was very romantic.

Very romantic.

We made love almost every day in the week.

It's true.

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday.

Oh, this I must tell you, and it's the truth. And if it's not the truth, I

should drop dead in this spot.

One night.

This is the truth. Louise and I made love for one hour and three minutes.

That's right, sir. One hour and three minutes.

Of course, that's the night they turned back the clocks.