Original subtitles

Are you ready?

I know you see me standing here.

Do I look good, my dear?

Do I look good today?

I'm just gonna...

Oh, man.

Hey, Quinn, do you think you could fix our model airplane?

I could fix a real airplane.

Let's see here.

I should be able to boost the voltage to the engine if I bypass these two

resistors and connect this wire directly to the battery compartment.

That should up the thrust by about 250%.

the navigational system to give it more power.

Have fun.

Give me that thing.

Oh, and I need you to... One second.

Until Dean Rivers returns from the hospital with his nose reconstructed,

temporarily in charge of PCA will be Dean Taylor, who's with me now. Dean,

welcome to PCA, sir.

Thanks. Glad to be here.

That's the new Dean.

Look at him.

Gorgeous. He's not as good looking as me.

His foot's better looking than you.

Well, we're psyched to have you here.

Although... We're sorry it's due to the tragic accident that happened to Dean

Rivers.

And now we go to Brian Straley with the report on PCA's new cheerleader

uniforms.

They're awesome, Jeremiah.

They are just awesome.

Oh, my God.

Did Carl break up with you again?

I think Carl broke up with her again.

But we gotta go start our homework.

I just... I just don't understand guys.

First they tell you that they love you.

Then they tell you that you're too clingy and needy and, man, I'm hungry.

I mean, I know I can be moody and bloated and judgmental and I may not pay

as much as other girls.

the only dinner with candlelight and music and i wore my special cargo pants

with the little hearts all over you know what he bought me for a present do you

want to know what i got for valentine's day a pretzel a big old pretzel from the

gas station then

the seventh time he broke up with me it was a week before my birthday we got in

this huge fight because he said

His mother's crazy.

His mother makes baseball caps for dogs.

What dog wants to walk around with a rhinestone studded baseball cap?

No dog I know.

Five hours.

Five hours that woman blabbed on and on about Carl.

Do not say the name Carl again. I'll puke.

Isn't our dorm advisor supposed to help us with our problems? That's how it's

supposed to work.

Let's just go to bed and forget about it.

Good night.

Bye, guys. See you in the morning.

It's like part of me wants to call him and try to fix it, but you know, what's

the point? Three weeks from now, he's just going to call me up with more

complaints about whatever it's in the mood to complain about.

One thing you can count on, Carl.

Complaints, complaints, complaints.

Hmm. Cookie dough?

One Christmas, I go over to his house, I'm knocking on his door for like five

hours. Who's not home on Christmas?

Another thing?

I just don't understand why they call it a pair of pants.

Why not?

Because, man, a pair means two. Like, a pair of shoes or a pair of gloves.

Two shoes, two gloves.

Mm -hmm.

Why a pair of pants?

Because, man, you would sound stupid if you were like, Hey, man, I love my new

pants. You like my new pants?

Check out my new pants. I think we're safe.

Safe from what?

Coco. She won't leave us alone.

We had to listen to her gripe and moan about her dumb boyfriend for hours.

It's him!

He's coming!

What's going on? It's the hot new bean!

What's your policy?

Black.

Thank you.

What I would do is spend ten minutes just talking to him. Yeah, you and every

other girl at PCA.

We could spend a little time with him.

If we got in trouble.

Did you two start the food fight?

Uh -huh. Yeah, we did.

We're bad.

But see, that's what I don't understand.

I've been told that neither one of you have ever been in trouble at PCA before,

so why now?

Well, we've always had serious behavioral issues. They've just been

But I still don't understand what... Do you have a girlfriend?

What are you, like, 6 '1"? I don't. What kind of product do you use in your

hair? Product in my hair? Come on, don't tell us. That's just... I will try.

We're not dumb.

Oh, no, we are not.

Um, okay.

Since this is your first offense, I'm not going to give you detention.

Do you have a younger brother?

Can I take a swab of your DNA?

I brought a swab.

Look, I know I have flaws and insecurities and dry skin, but Carl's

Mr. Wonderful either.

I mean...

Would you show up at my house on Valentine's Day with a pretzel from a

station?

We're just teenagers.

And I don't even like pretzels.

You're just a mess.

Maybe it's Carl.

Gross. It's my mother.

What?

No, he hasn't called me.

That's right, Mom. I'm going to grow old and die alone.

You have a horrible dorm advisor.

Hello. Hi.

Hey. So, uh, how'd your little meeting go with hot Dean Taylor?

Awesome. Excellent.

We found out things.

He's from Indiana. Graduated from Harvard. He's adorable.

And he's single.

Good. Why don't you set him up with Coco? Get her mind off Carl.

Yeah,

Dean Taylor and Coco. I would kill to see that.

Um, we're, uh, we're just kidding.

Dean Taylor and Coco?

No. Yes.

Zero chance.

Okay, then I guess we can all take turns listening to Coco go on and on and on

about Carl.

I think Dean Taylor and Coco could make a lovely couple.

Let's make it happen. Let's do that.

Okay, here we go.

I mean, Taylor, what up?

What's up?

I'm doing all right. How are you guys? Pretty good. Just chilling. Can't

complain.

So, you single?

Huh? Not married, no girlfriend.

Not dating anyone?

Actually, work keeps me pretty busy. I don't have time to date much.

Well, you know, there are a lot of available women right here at PCA.

Teachers. Nurses.

Girl dorm advisors.

Oh, yeah, like Coco.

Coco. Coco sounds like a poodle. Oh, no, she's much prettier than a poodle.

So, what are your hobbies?

Do a little scuba diving.

That's perfect.

That is so perfect.

Yeah.

This Coco likes to scuba dive, doesn't she?

Well, you know, she likes sushi.

How is sushi like scuba diving?

Well, you know, they're both fish themed.

Yeah, you know, they're both part of the aquatic experience.

Right.

Come on, just a little trip. I don't want to see the new gym floor. Who

Everyone, it's so glossy.

Why would I want to see gym floor? Hey, it's Chase Michaels.

Oh, well, this is so weird.

What? We were just talking about Coco.

Coco, this is Dean Taylor.

Dean Taylor, Coco.

Uh, hi.

Dean Taylor?

He was just telling us how he loves sushi.

Oh, you like sushi?

Yeah, I like sushi.

Perfect. Why don't you take her out for sushi on Friday night?

Friday night?

Sushi Rocks is right here on campus.

So what do you say, Dean Taylor?

Well, sure, if Coco would like that. Okay.

Wait, you swear you're going to show up? Because I've been down that road

before, like 4th of July two years ago.

Yeah, we're good. No worries about it. Yeah, she got it.

4th of July to have a real fun time with sushi.

It's Friday at 8 o 'clock.

Okay. You have your sunomono started here.

Sunomono. Your sushi here.

Sushi.

My special tuna.

What makes it special?

I told you never to ask me that.

It won't happen again.

Okay, Chase.

You are in charge.

Try not to burn down my restaurant again.

Just saying.

Right.

Okay, there's more prepared sushi in the back.

Great. Dude.

Where are the girls?

I just had to set a table, and I am a guy.

There was Coco out there doing her hair.

I hope they got all the bugs out.

Oh, good, the cello player's here.

I thought we were going to have a flute player, too.

Where'd he go?

Oh, God.

Michael, you play the flute?

Man, I told you he would laugh. I'm leaving.

Hey, hey, this is important, man.

Now go get ready, you little fluter.

It's flautist, okay?

Get it right.

Flautist.

Carl. Carl.

Carl. You're not listening.

Well, I don't want to get back together.

You heard me.

Hey, hey, hey. Too little, too late. I have a date tonight.

That's right.

I am having sushi with a hot dean.

Look at this. Very impressive.

Okay, you guys eat, talk.

Enjoy the music.

And if you need us, we'll be right back there in the kitchen.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Um, that's a very pretty dress.

Thanks.

So, uh, how'd you dump your last girlfriend?

I'm sorry?

I was recently dumped over the phone.

Oh, well.

That's not a very nice way to end a relationship.

You got that right.

He says soup? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I give the guy four years of my life, right?

I wash his underwear. I fix the toilet. I pop the pimples he can't reach, and he

has the nerve to dump me over the phone?

Okay, whatever.

Everything she says is awful.

I got an idea.

What'd you tell him?

To listen to Coco, and every time she starts to say something awful, play

loud.

So, I grew up in New Hampshire, but I was actually born in Kentucky.

I was born in a trailer park.

My mother, uh, my mother, my mother couldn't drive herself to the hospital

because her license was suspended and we didn't have a bathroom in our trailer.

I see, so... So,

did you go to high school here at PCA?

Nah, PCA just started letting girls in a couple years ago.

I went to this rat hole of a high school in Cleveland right next to a chemical

plant.

They had roaches in the cafeteria the size of, uh... They had roaches in the

cafeteria the size... Hey!

Keep it down!

Keep it down!

She got sushi on my flute.

Uh,

let's talk about something more meaningful.

Like what?

Tell me about you.

What makes you tick?

Oh, I... I don't know. I mean, I have my hopes and dreams like other girls.

Uh -oh, she's getting nervous.

So? When Coco gets nervous, she sweats a lot. It gets bad.

Um, I'm sorry. I always feel a little weird talking about myself in a personal

way.

Man, she's sweating like an animal.

We have to help her.

There's a fan in the kitchen.

people person.

I love people.

I'm a Capricorn.

Um, watch Jay Leno.

He's one of my favorites. He does this bit about airline food. He gets me

every time.

Is it warm in here?

No, not particularly. Can I get you an aspirin or something?

No, no, I'm good.

I'll just be one.

One minute.

Help me, I'm soaked in my own sweat.

Okay, okay, you guys go get some towels so she can dry her off. How?

She's got to change clothes.

I can't run all the way across campus and change. I have foot spurs.

Well, okay, you can borrow my clothes. I wouldn't wear that.

Oh, really? Do you like mine?

Yeah, I'd wear that.

Good,

now go in the kitchen, wipe off the sweat, and switch clothes. Okay.

Oh, great.

Did you change your clothes?

No, not really.

Please, sit.

Sure.

I'll just stand.

I want to know what you're doing out with another guy. You dumped me. And

gives you the right to date other men?

Kind of.

Wow. You did great.

You're coming with me.

No. I'm tired of getting dumped every time your softball team loses.

Do you know what it's like to play on a softball team that loses the majority of

the... Sir, ladies, please leave her alone. Sir, just... Back off! Hands up.

I messed up, Cokes.

I need you.

Take me back?

Carry me to my dorm, cowboy.

I got cookie dough in the mini -fridge.

Wow.

He is really strong.

Now take a little sip.

Girls,

really, I'm fine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You took a nasty spill.

Yeah, you shouldn't move for at least 24 hours. You just relax.

Hey, get together, everyone.

Now, say Dean.

Dean.

That's a cute one.

How... How much farther?

About a quarter mile.

Oh, dear God.