Original subtitles

Good evening.

Colport.

I'm sorry. You have a reservation for a Mr. and Mrs. Colport.

This is Mrs. Colport.

I see. Well, now... Ah, yes.

Room 211.

If you would just, um... Sign it, Babs.

Babs.

Is there any luggage?

No. Mr.

Colport will arrive later.

Let's see.

Come along, Babs.

We'll go up to your room now.

Sir? Tyler J.

I believe you have a booking for me.

Let's see.

Yes. For one night only, room 221.

Please fill in the form.

Yes,

Colport. No,

no, not. Thank you. Just brand it.

A large one.

It's got a good bounce.

Holly, how can you talk like that?

Practice.

Anyway, bounce, count.

You'll find out soon.

Don't say that. I'm scared.

I know, darling.

It's always been the same. I meet a super chap.

I fancy him madly. But as soon as he makes his move, I panic.

Well, that's why we're here.

To break the cycle.

But an escort service.

Paying someone to... Someone rather special, darling.

Fortescue is the agency.

And as for paying, well, now you're more than able to afford it.

That's hardly the point, Holly.

When you told me that you'd spent all these years looking after your father

nothing else, I was horrified.

Look, Babs, you want to get married, have babies and things.

Yes. But you have this problem with men.

I know. Every time an attractive man shows his affections for you, you run a

mile. Only there's nothing to be done. Yes, there is, and we're doing it by

calling in an expert.

You make it sound so cold -blooded, so calculated.

Your drink, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Would you sign, please?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

I say, actually, I didn't order a drink.

Really, sir?

Oh, I see what's happened.

You're 2 -2 -1.

The order was for 2 -1 -1.

We always mix them up because they're so close to each other. I do apologise,

sir. It's no problem.

Actually, I did sign the...

You're

large, Brendan.

Thank you.

going, my pretty maid?

Bolting, sir?

Yes, yes.

I simply can't face it, Holly.

I thought you tried to escape, so I stayed behind to lock the stable door.

Don't be so silly. You can't force me to do it.

Now, listen.

I've put a lot of time and trouble into this one. You said you were desperate.

I was only a little bit desperate. Now I'm totally desperate. I've got to get

out of here. I know why you panicked. Who's having to sit up there and wait

him to turn up? Well, I've got a plan to cope with that. I don't care. I'm going

home. Babs, the least you can do is hear it.

So, we'll just step into the bar and I'll explain.

Two pounds, please.

I say, excuse me.

Oh, you clumsy...

I said I'm terribly sorry. You have wrecked my trousers.

Wimborne?

Tyler.

I say, it must be 15 years.

No more.

I say, Wimborne, I'm terribly sorry about your trousers. Oh, it's all right,

Tyler. Seeing as it's you, you haven't changed much, have you? How do you mean,

Wimborne? You were the clumsiest boy at school. Was I? I'd forgotten.

Anyway, let me pay for cleaning your trousers, Wimborne. No, no, of course

The sordid thing is I will have to fly into New York looking like a bum.

Terribly sorry.

So, you live in New York, do you, Wimborne?

Yes, for a third of the year. Another third in Tokyo and the last third in my

state in Somerset.

I see.

Well, you always said you were going to be a success, Wimborne.

Look, we're not at school now.

It's Giles.

Really?

I never knew that.

Yes, and yours was Jeremy, wasn't it? That's right.

What a memory you've got, Wimble.

Giles.

I take it you're doing well. This place is quite pricey. Oh, I don't usually

stay in such grand hotels, Giles. It's just my firm sent me up from Chester to

close a property deal, so I'm on expenses.

Are you in property?

No such luck. I'm just a provincial solicitor.

How about you?

Newspapers. Ah.

Advertising, electronics, fashion. I see. Publishing, film, television.

Perhaps it would be quicker if you just told me what you're not in.

I don't put in much time with the pick and travel, Tyler.

Ah, that's the old Wimbers, yes.

I remember you used to keep the whole school in stitches, especially with your

practical jokes.

Oh, thank you.

What do I say to him? I mean, what do we talk about?

Holly, I'm not going through with it.

Understood, darling. But if we don't leave him a message soon, he'll have you

paged. Oh, no.

We don't know his name.

Mr Colport, silly.

You married at all?

I'm afraid not.

I've been close to it once or twice, but it's never quite worked out.

You do like girls, don't you?

Oh, good heavens, yes.

Oh, I've had hundreds of girlfriends.

Although the past year's been a bit lonely.

Really? This must be quite a treat for you, then. How do you mean?

Oh, staying in a place like this.

What do you mean, girls?

How's this sound?

Something has come up. I may be very late.

You needn't wait up.

Please leave the door on the latch.

Barbara Coport.

Which means, should you change your mind, that you'll be able to undress in

dark and just... Flick him to bed.

I suppose you'll be winking at the hall porter before the evening's over, eh?

Winking at the hall porter?

Yes, surely you know the code. Code?

Oh, my dear boy.

The international one.

There's nothing to it. You simply approach the hall porter, give him your

number, and wink three times.

Then you go off to dine, and when you get back to your room, there is a

delightful companion waiting for you.

And the best thing of all is that she gets billed as sundress.

How extraordinary.

Now, what was your room number? It was 221, wasn't it?

Your room number. It is 221.

Right.

Good evening.

Good evening, sir.

Room 221.

All right.

Table for one, monsieur.

Follow me, please.

I'm sure... No, I haven't actually seen it myself, madam, but I understand it's

a very fine performance.

Excuse me one moment.

Good evening, I'm Mr Colport. I believe my wife, Mrs Barbara Colport, checked in

earlier. Colport.

Ah, yes,

that's right, sir.

She left a note for you.

Oh, hell, did you? I'll confirm it later, madam.

Ah, yes.

That's all right, then. She, my wife, you understand, wants me to wait in her

room. Our room, that is. She said you'll give me the key.

Certainly, sir.

It's 221.

Yes, sir.

There we are, sir.

You'll feel better once you've eaten. I couldn't eat a thing. Don't be silly.

So, what are you doing here?

The same as you, I expect.

Yes, but didn't I read somewhere that your old man had died? He must have left

you half of Yorkshire, didn't he? He got better. Oh, rotten old luck. Well, not

really. I'm quite like the old thug.

If only he'd part with some of the ancestral loot. How are you making out?

Oh, not much loot left in my family. Best I can hope for is a good marriage.

That's why I stick with this caper. So where's your date?

Oh, in the dining room. I'm joining her now.

Seriously, Rich?

Well, her name's Hapley, like the chain of high street dress shops, but I can't

work out if she's a dress shop Hapley or not. She's got terrible dress sense. I

mean, black knickers under blue organdy.

Where's your... I haven't arrived yet. I left a note saying I have to go to bed.

Probably one of the shy ones who like you to be asleep while they undress.

I've never had one of those. I have had every kind.

Good hunting.

Thanks.

Leave it with me.

Goodbye, sir.

My key.

Rule 221.

Excuse me, sir.

Reception?

Yes, Your Excellency.

Yes, of course, sir.

Right away, sir.

One moment, sir.

Oh, I am sorry sir.

you? Precisely what I was going to ask you. All right, I'm Mr. Colport, Mr.

Barbara Colport.

Barbara? What? No, Barbara's my wife's name, of course. She booked the room.

Well, I'm Jeremy Tyler, and I'm expecting a friend.

Would that be a female or a male friend?

Naturally, a female friend.

Why naturally? You've been cuddling me.

Well, I assumed you were her.

Has she got a moustache?

No. Now, will you kindly leave my room?

Look, I think we can settle this without a punch -up.

What number's your room? 221. Really?

So's mine, and here's my key to prove it. Oh, really?

Well, here's my key to prove it.

Oh, dear.

Well? It's 211.

Never mind.

I really am most dreadfully sorry.

All right.

What's it going to be?

I'll do it.

Why have you changed your mind?

It was just something I saw in the dining room while we were eating.

What was that?

Just a couple having dinner together, but they were obviously getting a

kick out of each other's company.

It made me realise how much I was missing.

What were they doing?

Well, not a lot, just exchanging looks and touches, but you could see he was

crazy about her.

He had to be. She was wearing black knickers under blue organdy and she

ghastly. Come on, let's get my key.

My key, please. Room 211.

It's out, madam.

Oh.

Oh.

Of course.

Good night, Holly.

And if you're just pretending to be asleep, it's not really necessary.

So, you've come.

Of course.

I'd given you up.

That was silly.

No, it wasn't.

The fact is that I very nearly didn't.

Really?

Why?

Naturally, because I was frightened.

Actually, I was terrified.

Good Lord.

Were you really?

I had to force myself to enter this room.

That's terrible.

Does it always affect you like that?

Yes. That's the whole point.

When the moment gets near, I nearly faint.

Usually, I just run away.

What an appalling handicap.

I mean, do you think you're in the right profession?

Oh, I don't have a profession. I have means.

I just do odd jobs from time to time.

But if you don't need to, I mean, well...

Why work at all?

I suppose because I get bored. It helps pass the time.

Yes, I suppose it would.

It's none of my business, of course, but have you ever considered some sport or

hobby? Look, could we just get on with it before I get panicky again?

Yes, of course.

Well, if you'd like to undress.

Not so fast.

Sorry? Well, there are certain things to be discussed first.

Really? What things?

Well, to begin with, are you experienced?

I... Well, tolerable, I suppose. I mean,

do you really think a lot of experience is necessary?

Of course. I don't want some blundering amateur doing it, do I?

Well, no, no. That would be disagreeable, no doubt. But, I mean, it

Choice. Oh, I realise that.

Tell me this.

Why do you think I joined you here?

I assume because I winked at the hall porter.

What?

Well, because I winked at the hall porter.

I don't consider this the moment for jokes.

You are going to take it seriously, aren't you?

Oh, certainly, yes. But, I mean, it should also be fun, shouldn't it?

Of course not. Are you mad?

Oh, I suppose your attitude doesn't really matter.

As long as you do it gently, swiftly and with clinical detachment.

Well, I'll do my best. Thank you. Now, no more talking. I will put out the

and get undressed in the dark. You turn over. Turn over so that you're facing

away from me. I'll get straight into bed and you get on with it without delay.

Agreed? I suppose so.

Light's going out now.

I must say, I didn't expect all these rules.

Well, I'm sorry, but someone has to pay for this. But she didn't show up. My

wife just didn't show up.

Well, she was certainly here last night, but I remember the lady when she booked

it. Yes, here we are.

Mrs. Barbara Colport. Of course, I went off with you at seven. Well, she never

came up to the room. I've spent a rotten night all alone.

Have you informed the police, sir?

The police?

No, why should I? Well, your wife disappeared.

Oh, I don't suppose it's anything that would interest the police. I mean,

Barbara often has these fits and starts.

She probably met somebody she fancied more than me and just went off with him.

beg your pardon?

What I mean is she might have bumped into an old friend or... Oh, all right,

I'll pay the bill.

Fortescue can settle with me later.

Never mind. What do I owe you?

You were wonderful.

Far better than I'd expected.

Thank you for your strength and gentleness.

I won't ever be afraid again.

You're back, are you?

I most certainly am.

And now I would like the truth.

I say, you're not going to start all that nonsense again, are you?

What exactly do you mean?

Well, I got your note.

It was a wonderful night for me too.

Who are you?

Look, I've got nothing to hide. I'm not married. What gives you the right to

interrogate me like this?

Very well, I will tell you. I have discovered that you're not from

Oh, that's true.

I'm not.

Well, who are you from?

Well, if you must know, the firm's called Farrington, Farrington & Dawkins.

a junior partner.

A what?

I'm a solicitor.

You mean you do this in your spare time?

Do what?

What is the address of your firm? 87 Mount Street.

Mount Street.

Chester. Chester?

Chester! You've come down from Chester to make love to women? Oh, don't be

silly. I came down to close a contract. I had no intention of...

Making love when I left Chester?

Oh, then what happened? Did they bleep you and tell you something had come up?

No, this has gone quite far enough. No call girl has the right to tell me...

What did you say? I said no call girl. Call girl are you referring to? All

right, if you find the term too blunt, pleasure girl.

Me?

You mean me?

Well, who else? It was you that came and slept with me after I winked at the

hall porter, wasn't it?

Winked at the... Oh, my God.

Are you ill?

No, no, I...

Let's just get this straight. You wanted some female company last night and...

What did you do?

Well, exactly what Wimborne suggested.

I winked three times at the hall porter and he sent you to my room.

Didn't he?

I'm sorry I'm late.

It's been quite a day.

I saved the firm upwards of two million.

I did it with an offshore nominee.

I've run your bar.

Champagne now or later?

Now,

I think.

How was Tommy's eye test?

Glasses, I'm afraid.

But I think he's rather proud.

He's spending the night with Auntie Holly, so we've got the whole night to

ourselves.

Babs, you don't think after ten years this routine is, well, a bit childish?

I do not.

It commemorates the most important night of my life. Oh, mine too. It's a...

Now, are you the man from Fortescue's?

At your service, madame.