Original subtitles

I once knew a man called Cedric McWinnie, who was enormously greedy and

forever poking about all over the house looking for stuff to eat.

One day, and I'm not making this up, he opened a cupboard in the dining room and

found a paper bag full of round white things.

Cedric had a passion for peppermints, so he grabbed a handful and bunged them

into his mouth and started crunching them up.

Well, they happened to be mothballs.

And the camper burned his tongue so badly he couldn't eat for a week.

The story you're going to see in a few moments by one of the really great short

story writers of our time, John Collier, is about a couple of people who are

also rather greedy, but in a different way.

And a five, six, seven, eight.

Left,

left, a little bit more left. Good, good, good. Good, faster.

Yeah, that's good.

On a nondescript street, in a town where nothing much ever happens, the wheel of

fortune is about to take a rather unlikely spin.

Madame Mara?

Oh, there's got to be some mistake.

Let me get my checkbook.

All right, let me get that checkbook.

Okay, I got my book.

Now... Let me see. I mailed that on... I mailed that on Tuesday.

You should have it now.

Yeah, Buster, I read the future, but I don't know what the post office is going

to do. Like I told you, I put it in the mail.

Just one moment.

Coming.

Be patient.

Future will wait.

Just one moment.

Coming.

You tell fortunes?

Yes, I do see into the future.

Lady downstairs wouldn't take me.

I can't imagine why not.

Come on in.

And close the door behind you.

And you want me to tell you all the terrific, wonderful things that are

happen to you, right?

I went to that lady downstairs.

Her sign said, uh, all ages.

So I figured that, um, I could learn how to dance like Fred Astaire.

Because if I could, if I learn how to dance like Fred Astaire, then I could

some, uh, babes.

And you want me to tell you if you can learn how to dance like Fred Astaire?

She already told me.

But she said you could... You could tell me if there is any babes in my future.

Yeah.

Yeah, I... I think I could divine that for you.

Come on over here. You sit down in this chair right over here. Come on.

I'm going to have to bring up a very coarse subject here.

What's that?

Money.

Now, it's five bucks for a quick glimpse into the future, and it's ten bucks for

a long gaze forward.

What's the difference?

You want to know what's going to happen next week or next year?

So, five dollars I get one week, and...

Ten dollars, I get a whole year.

Well, I'm no dummy. I'll take a whole year.

You'd be surprised. You're a lot more farsighted than a lot of people.

No kidding.

Well, I got a small problem.

Yeah?

I don't have ten bucks.

I spent my last dime on the bus. I'm new in town, remember?

Out. Wait a minute. Out!

Wait a minute. You got anything busted?

Busted? That's right, busted.

Everybody's got something that's busted.

You know, and that's what I do.

I fix broken things.

Broken hearts?

That's pretty funny.

I mean, it's not whole, whole funny, but...

He be funny.

Busted.

I got this toaster over here. It doesn't pop toast up anymore.

And I got that television set that went out on me right in the middle of John

Dean. The Watergate guy?

Yeah. Well?

Toaster. You fix my toaster, I'll tell your fortune.

Ten dollar fortune?

Okay. Ten dollar fortune.

Custard, right?

All fixed.

See, that's what I do for a living. I fix broken things.

I'm really impressed, Charlie.

Come here and sit down. Let's see what the future holds.

Are you a real gypsy?

I bet I am. Okay.

Hmm.

Okay, we have one of... Pretty good.

Oh, what do you see?

What do you see?

You see a babe?

How about, uh... Money?

I'll settle for money.

You have a rich relative, aunt, uncle, anything like that?

Only relative I got is my uncle, Jake.

He's always telling me what he's going to buy me when his ship comes in.

I'm still waiting for it to dock.

See these double eights here, Charlie?

They show.

that you're coming to a fork in your life. Now, if you take one path, it's

to lead you to wealth, incredible wealth.

And if you take the other path, it's going to lead you to nothing.

How do I know which one to take?

Well, you see, see this red king right here? That's the king of wealth. Now,

this red knave is his messenger.

You are going to have a message soon, really soon, about great wealth.

Wait a minute.

Let me try it again.

All right. Try it again.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

These are exactly the way they were before.

Don't touch anything.

It's too bad, Charlie.

You could have been a very rich man.

What do you mean?

Well, you remember the double eights right here? The two paths, one leading

wealth and the other to nothing?

So just point me in the right direction.

Well, you'd have to get married.

Married?

I don't know any babes. Oh, this couldn't be just any babe.

This would have to be a woman who had certain qualifications, certain specific

things.

Such as?

This woman would have to have dark hair. It says it right here in the cards. The

cards demand it.

Dark eyes.

She'd have to be divorced.

She would use her hands to make a living. And the Red Queen demands that

an air sign. That's a Gemini. It says it right there.

What sign are you?

Wow.

Gemini. Have you ever been married?

Divorced.

But that's not all.

The cards demand that the woman you marry have a mark of fortune.

The mark of fortune?

This woman has to have...

Three moles on her left shoulder.

I'm in love.

You want me to do what? Be my matron of honor.

You mean to tell me that you're going to marry that, that, that rhinoceros?

Saturday. It was a joke.

Myra, I sent him upstairs to you with a bad joke.

Grace, you know how sometimes the cards work? I mean, really work.

Honey, you can't marry him. He's a minus zero, a vilch.

They say that he's going to inherit a lot of money from a close relative.

I mean, a lot of money, Grace, a lot.

Honey, I don't care if he's going to inherit a million dollars.

You're going to have to live with him. You're going to have to let him...

You know what you're going to have to let him do.

Grace, that's not all.

I laid these cards twice for him, and each time they came up exactly the same.

mean exactly.

You're kidding.

The cards insist he's going to inherit all this money from a close relative.

And then... Yeah, then what?

And then... He's going to what?

Die.

Starback comes back, hands off to the tailback, and he gets racked up after a

gain of about a yard. But it should be enough for a first down. It is. Now back

to live action.

Starback, back to back.

He's sacked by the flips and linebackers. Shut the phone, please.

All right.

He's okay. He's getting up slow, but he's going to be okay.

Madame Myra?

Yes, Mrs. Norwood. Yes, I can see right away.

All right, I'll expect you in five minutes.

Hey, slob, out.

I got a client.

Game just started.

The game has always just started. First it's basketball, then it's baseball, now

it's football. What comes after football?

Starts all over again.

Oh,

the big fixer.

The man who can fix anything. You better get that short fixed or you're going to

get electrocuted.

The TV works okay.

It works better than those cards of yours.

You know what you're doing, fake -o?

You're selling lies.

Keeps you in beer.

It sure does.

Where's my money, huh?

Where's that million dollars I was supposed to get?

Huh? For marrying the girl with the dark eyes and the mark of fortune?

I never said it was going to be a million bucks.

For six months, I've been waiting around here for a phone to ring and a letter

to come, and it hasn't. And now I know why.

Because it was a lie.

You lie to me just like you lie to every other poor slob that walks up in this

place. Okay, maybe I do lie to them, but you know what? It makes them happy. And

I did not lie to you. I never did. I have a gift, and my cards still say you

going to get that money. Your cards are pieces of paper.

I was going to meet a babe.

A babe with a cute smile and go -to -hell eyes. And look what I got stuck

Look what I got stuck with!

Look at yourself.

Oh, Charlie.

You know what I got in my pocket?

38 cents.

And where am I going to go on 38 cents?

I don't know and I don't care.

I mean, out anywhere.

Why don't you go downstairs and see Grace? She's got go -to -hell eyes.

Oh, maybe there's something she needs fixed.

You are Myra Lacey Dunn? No, she's upstairs.

What do you want to see her about?

Charles Ricks.

Yes, right.

My name is Merrifield.

I'm an attorney for my businesses with your wife, Mrs. Downer.

About an inheritance, rather sizable inheritance, I might add.

Now, you don't mean her.

You mean me.

I mean nothing of the sort.

The person I need to see is Myra Lacey Downer.

Now then, a few routine precautionary measures.

You are a mother's maiden name.

Geraldine Dorothy Johnson.

Right. Some gypsy.

And do you have a copy of your birth certificate?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Right.

Right.

Well, everything seems to be in order.

You are who you say you are.

Now then, what a great aunt on your mother's side.

You mean old Aunt Faith?

Faith Merritt Parkhouse.

She was a maiden lady, she taught school for 48 years, and she invested wisely.

Very wisely, I should add.

She passed on three months ago in a nursing home at the age of 92.

I used to write her Christmas cards, but I stopped a long time ago. I never

thought... How much?

I beg your pardon?

How much did the old lady leave?

That's really a matter for Mrs. Downer.

I'm her husband, Jack. How much?

Well, that would all depend.

Most of her assets were in blue -chip stocks.

She bought IBM in 1932.

Uh, but if everything were liquidated, the estate would bring in, after taxes

and legal fees, of course, about $350 ,000.

350 ,000.

Here's my card.

I'm the corresponding attorney for your late aunt's attorneys on the coast.

If you'd like to come to my office tomorrow, about 10 o 'clock, we can

the paperwork.

I'll be there.

$150 ,000.

Whoa.

Do you have a will, Mrs. Downer? A will?

No, I haven't got a will.

Hey, what would I need a will for?

Well, you're a rich woman now.

If anything were to happen to you, everything would, of course, go to your

husband. But you might like to think about that.

Yeah.

I'll do that.

I'll think about it.

I'll let myself out.

aren't you watching your game, Charlie?

I was thinking of going down and digging your

fish pond.

It's a little late for that, Charlie.

What do you mean?

I'm leaving you, Charlie, but I am leaving you all this.

You're not leaving me.

Think again.

Get half half the money's mine.

You'll have to find me Don't worry

about it Charlie The cards still say that

you're going to be very very rich they do, huh?

Maybe the cards will turn out to be right after all.

Come on, go down and work on your fish pond.

It's raining.

Oh, that's all right.

Fish don't mind.

I told him I was leaving him.

Now that is good news. That is very good news. Did he make a fuss?

He went out to dig the fish pond.

In the rain?

Mm -hmm.

So while we were talking or arguing, I don't know, whatever it is we were

I dealt the cards for him again, and they still say that he is going to be

And?

And then he's going to die.

The Lord and Master.

He still expects you to cook? Who knows what Charlie expects?

Oh, Charlie.

What are you, the abominable mud man?

Those cards, baby.

Listen, would you go drip in the bathroom, please, huh? All right, what

the cards?

You're right after all.

Look.

Yeah. You found a dollar bill in the mud, Charlie. That's wonderful.

It's not a dollar.

It's a fifty.

Yeah. Hey, you're right, Charlie.

You're rich.

Cheers. Mud in your eyes.

Myra, I wasn't alone.

It wasn't all by itself.

What do you mean?

I got out to dig the pond, right?

Yeah. All of a sudden, I hit something with my shovel.

I thought it was a rock.

But when I hit it again, it sounded more like tin.

So I got down on my knees in the mud, and I started to dig it up.

Dig what out?

The box.

Yeah, see?

There's a tin box.

Or a...

Maybe it was steel. I don't know. But it had a lock on it.

And so I hit the lock with the shovel.

And it wouldn't open.

So then I hit it again. And I hit it again. And I hit it again.

And finally it opened.

And it opened and inside was a whole bunch of $50 bills.

Hundreds of $50 bills.

The cars were right.

The cars were right. I'm rich.

So are you.

I knew it.

Hey, where's the box?

Where is it? Outside.

Well, go bring it in, Charlie.

No, see, we're going to go out and bury it again.

We'll keep it for our nest egg.

I mean, if we bring it inside, then we just got to pay taxes on it.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, are you sure you want to bury it again?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I want you to know exactly where I bury it.

In case anything ever happens to me.

Oh, gee, Charlie.

That is really decent of you.

I'll tell you, I never dreamed when I started digging this pond for you it was

going to lead me to...

is right there! I don't see it! Well, you've got to bend down a little bit and

look! Where?

Right there!

That's a fire -intensive storm.