Original subtitles

What's she got that we haven't? I mean, apart from about 50 years head start.

She can't remember lines, she can barely move, and she certainly can't act, but

listen to them. It's the English disease.

Comment savoir?

If you go on doing anything for long enough, the great British public will

love you. Especially if you do it badly.

You're taking your course from here.

It's a close thing. What?

Who dies first, Sarah Bernhardt or the tour?

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, lady shit.

Hang about, girl.

Oh, I can't be in the theater. Listen.

I want you to do me a favor. Oh, not another cut in salary.

What do you take me for?

We remember Morecambe. I was nursing the show then. I explained.

What were you doing in Sheffield? Burying it? I found a new backer.

Oh.

Theater buff.

Money, no object.

What's the catch?

None. He's just very anxious to make your acquaintance. Oh, not again.

Shame on you.

Theatrical empresario and white slave trader.

All I'm asking you to do is to be civil to him. Just butter him up a bit. Well,

it'll cost you dinner.

Both of us.

Done.

Bless you.

Both of you. Tag two.

Patrick! Coming.

I'll come and rescue you in half an hour. I'll speak to him. Good.

Yes, my love. A word in my dressing room.

You want to play with the boys tonight?

You mean poker?

Yeah. Thanks, I've got a date.

I hope he's nothing like that furry from Clayton.

You mean the early born I look like?

Deep breath.

Hello,

hello.

Hello.

I'm Herbert Millett.

As in maze?

I'm sorry?

Joke. I don't quite follow.

Millet. Maze. You know, so as in maze. Ah, yes.

My name is spelt M -I -L -L -E double T -E.

Well, it was a pretty corny joke anyway.

Don't make a mean out of it.

Sorry,

it's a sort of private game.

I see.

How do you do?

And I'm Susie Star.

Yes, fine joke.

Would you, uh...

Would you like a drink?

Yes, thank you.

Would you have a glass by any chance?

Thank you.

How would you like the toast?

Oh, awfully good.

Especially you.

Good. Both of you, of course.

Excuse me.

Slap off, darling.

Thank you, Patrick.

It'll be better tomorrow.

I'll speak to them.

I could kill them.

Of course we wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for wonderful people like you.

Oh, don't say that.

It's true.

What do you do?

Apart from backing shows, I mean. I'm a toy manufacturer.

Really? Hmm, really.

Oh, I should think that's a jolly satisfying job.

Well, as a matter of fact, it is.

And profitable?

Well, it can be, if you do it on a large enough scale.

And do you?

Do I what?

Do it on a large enough scale.

Make toys, I mean.

Well, I'd say I have an associated company or a distributor in just about

country in the world.

Do you now?

Look here, can't I get you a drink?

Gin and tonic, all right?

Fine.

How about you, Miss Star? Oh, please.

Call me Susie.

Susie? She'll have a thing.

Oh, well, actually, I hardly ever touch it. In a picture?

But since we're celebrating, I'll have a mere sip of yours.

Salute.

Look, if your business is that big, what on earth are you doing dabbling in show

business?

Well, I needed an outlet when my wife died.

She died last year.

Oh, you poor thing. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, we've been very close, you see, in marriage a long time.

I thought I needed a change, something with no associations.

Oh, I can so understand that.

I believe you can.

I'm an extremely intuitive person.

Yes.

Yes. I could feel, I don't know, a sort of sense of loss about you the moment we

came into the room.

Isn't that amazing?

Amazing.

Excuse me.

I don't mind telling you I felt drawn to you the minute you came in.

In fact, I was hoping to persuade you to have dinner with me.

Oh! Both of you, of course. Oh, lovely. How invitable. I have booked a table at

Rules.

That's my favourite restaurant.

Good. Hey, just a minute. What about dinner with Patrick?

Oh, darling, Patrick's your date, not mine.

It would be sweet of you to ask me to tag along, but, um, if Mr Millett

be too bored, which is me for me.

By Jove, no.

You sure? Sure.

I see.

Well, if you're ready.

Ready.

Say hello to Patrick, darling.

Good night, Miss Lewis.

Have a good one.

Not still mad at me? No.

Though I can't think why you behaved absolutely abominably.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist it.

Pat, he is loaded.

Caviar and champagne until it was coming out of my ears, and duck a l 'orange

and crepe suzette for Susie's supper. I bet you had to sing for it.

And then home in a rose the size of this room, and no funny biz.

Do you mean he says after all that, old Millard didn't even get his own?

You can be very coarse sometimes.

wanted was a chaste good night, or rather good morning kiss.

And that's all you got?

That, of course.

Well, I'll be damned.

Well, I'm not.

I am pure snow white, as far as Herbert's concerned.

Oh, come on. You'd be known to leap into bed on the strength of a cup of

rehearsal room coffee. Well, that's the Robin Hood in me. Take from the rich,

give to the needy.

Everybody's made Miriam.

He even showed me a snap of his dear departed.

Dog. Crap, darling.

First prize, the best British bulldog.

Not that he's exactly Paul Newman.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

A girl can't always have everything.

What's that?

Rubber red. Oh, we should be so lucky.

Miss Susie.

Miss Dar?

Not for me.

Well, is she here?

Yeah. I'll sign for them.

Hang about.

There you go.

Thanks a lot.

Who's a clever girl, then?

Wow!

I've done my best to make them wither between here and the front door.

I'd say it was yours for the taking.

And I'm green with envy.

It's real.

I'm engaged to Mr. Worthing, Mama.

Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone.

When you do become engaged to someone, I, or your father, should his health

permit it, will inform you of the fact.

It has always been a girlish dream of mine to love someone whose name was...

Ernest.

There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence.

I pity any poor young married woman whose husband is not called Herbert.

Isn't he...

Gorgeous. Are you sure you've only held hands?

Cake or bread and butter?

Bread and butter, please.

Cake is rarely seen in the best houses nowadays.

Kindly... You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar.

And though I distinctly ask for bread and butter... Practical jokes.

I'll speak to them.

You'll speak to them.

Do you like it better with the collar down or up? I'd like it better on me.

Susie, I put up with your pranks today because I need Herbert's money, but I

warn you, you come on stage in his latest opera, there'll be trouble.

What is it?

See for yourself, it's outside the stage door.

I can't wait.

The imagination absolutely boggles.

Nice one, baby.

Shall we see if it works?

I wonder

what

the catch is.

The catch is he wants to marry me.

Figures.

I reckon it's the nice way of trying to get his presents back.

You want to marry him?

Of course not. I don't even fancy him.

On the other hand, I don't want to lose this golden goose.

If you can't eat your cake and have it, why not?

It looks really good on you. Leave it to me in your will. Oh, but of course.

Well, the bride and groom.

Thank you.

You'll be next.

Yes, indeed.

Where are you going for your honeymoon?

Oh, we're staying here, as a matter of fact.

Oh, but the Barbican's only three minutes away.

It's just while Herbert has a dreary old penthouse to be decorated.

While Susie has my perfectly adequate penthouse turned into an Arabian night's

fantasy. But darling, tenting's so cozy.

Just. Teasing, darling?

Susie didn't want to be too far away in case the decorator wanted to see her.

Let's get some more champagne.

Wait till you see him, decorator.

John Travolta, with the nearest hint of Steve McQueen.

Makes sense, wouldn't you say?

It's a bore.

One has to make oneself available.

You know, that's the wonderful thing about Susie.

I've never known her not make herself available when she was wanted.

Absolutely.

Well.

There's something in that name that seems to inspire.

Absolutely. That all you've got to say?

I'll miss you. Of course.

If that's what you want.

You know me.

Never offended back then.

Oh, your wife.

So you're finally going to turn in your equity cards?

Well, it's not exactly that it was paid up. So much for combining marriage with

a career.

You know, that's the wonderful thing about being married to a rich man.

It suddenly makes the rat race lose its appeal.

Mind you, if Patrick hadn't decided to go back to his wife, or even if that

decorator hadn't, you don't have to make excuses. I'd do the same if I had the

chance. Oh, your turn will come.

I doubt it. It will.

And when it does, you'd better make sure that you milk it for all it's worth.

I'm not an expert like you.

Well, then you'd better just learn.

If you don't grab the goodies while you're young... Don't moralize. It's

than I can bear.

I'm just being practical.

But you grabbed this particular bunch of goodies right from underneath my nose.

Uh -huh.

Proves my point, right?

Do you know, Susie, there are times when I could cheerfully murder you.

Adios, amigo.

So what's the trouble?

Anniversary dinner last night. Three months of wedded bliss.

And they said it wouldn't last.

Souvenir?

That ain't more worth it.

Soft light, champagne, and Herbert announces that he wants to become a

What did you do?

I almost threw up.

Well, how are you going to wriggle your way out of this one?

Well, his dear departed couldn't manage to get pregnant in all those years,

right?

So I'm going to have to tell Herbert the same sad story.

Yes, but then all those tests and things. Oh, I'm going to have them all.

Do you remember my friendly Harley Street gynecologist, Dr.

Optimus? He owes me a favor, doesn't he? He certainly does.

And he's going to have to tell Herbert the bad news.

He can't be your daddy.

Susie, do you know I actually begin to feel sorry for Herbert as time goes by?

Well, I might.

If I hadn't met this tennis player who looked just... Like Alain Delon.

I tell you, Pat, pay a card right, and a girl just might have everything.

One of these days, Herbert's going to rumble you.

No. The husband's always the love to know.

Your attention, please, for British Airfare passengers for Geneva. Please

the... If he wasn't old and got in a crushing ball, I could be quite fond of

Herbert. He is so gullible.

I really want him to be Stuttgart with him this weekend.

Toy there.

Can you imagine me at a toy fair?

I invented this ailing aunt in Wales.

Did he believe you? Oh, he thought it. Hook, line and thinker.

Do you hear?

Herbert.

What are you doing here?

And who's this?

What did you say?

What could I say?

I mean, even I couldn't convince Herbert that I was flying to Wales, not with

Paris plastered all over my hand baggage.

How did he take it? He turned very nasty.

The board?

And much worse than that. Like he wants me out of the penthouse by the time he

gets back, and no maintenance.

He's even going to sue to get back his present.

Well, you did rather ask for it, didn't you?

Well, there's no need to sound so pleased about it.

I looked after you when the going was good, didn't I?

No. How can you say that? Because it's true. If anyone looked after me, it was

Herbert. At least he gave me the odd glass of champagne.

All you ever did was to show off your presence and crow on about how you were

running rings down the floor, Poopy.

Well, I'll make up for it.

People like Herbert don't grow on trees, you know.

I know.

Hence my master plan to get him back.

For which I need your help.

Now what?

Sit down.

My attempted suicide.

Oh! I'll help with that gladly.

I've got this brilliant idea.

The sinner repents. Will you?

Here's my suicide note.

I hope you remember to make your hands shake.

Yes, it's even tear -stained.

I can't afford to screw this one up. Where else would I find a cash dispenser

like Herbert?

A girl can't always have everything.

Now, listen.

Tomorrow, I'm booked into our honeymoon suite at the Savoy because it's only

three minutes away from our penthouse. You're going to come there with me.

Herbert's due back at seven o 'clock. You start calling him at 6 .45.

What for?

To make sure he's there.

Oh, you are slow.

When he answers, you hang up.

And then I can start timing everything.

Like what?

Like swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

Susie, don't mess around with sleeping pills. I'd be scared stiff.

Well, I'm scared a bit.

Well, then don't take them. Just pretend to. I've got to. It's got to look as

real as possible.

What if something goes wrong? That's why I'm working on every detail.

Now, the moment that you know that Herbert is there, you rush right over

give him this.

What do I tell Herbert? You tell him that when you got home, you found this

along with this.

Dear pap, please see that Herbert gets it. I thought you were very puzzled by

the whole thing, but you know how upset I've been by the break -up, so you rush

right over. Got it?

I'm beginning to. And the minute he opens the letter... Wham!

You'd better pretend to be a little stunned yourself.

Yes.

Now, you've got to make sure that Herbert gets to me in time to slap me

Hurry, hurry, you've got to save her. Call a doctor. And to be on the safe

I will call a doctor. Doctor Octopus.

Oh, of course.

Hopefully he gets there after Herbert saved my life.

Forgive me, Herbert.

There's nothing to forgive, my darling. It was all my fault.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Susie.

Tears of joy, Clint.

Fade out.

Academy Award.

Won't be a dry eye in the house.

After a shock like that, I don't think that Herbert will ever question a thing

do again. I think you can safely come home.

I'll be able to eat my cake and have it too.

I'm planning on leaving my hair loose, but do you think I should wear a sexy

black negligee or should it be pure white and... Don't laugh.

Virginal.

Oh, the pure look.

Definitely.

Ring him again.

I only rang him five minutes ago.

I can't stand this event.

I've never known you have first night nabs like this before.

I've never had a first night like this before.

Ring him. Okay.

Have a minute.

Got the show on the road.

Think it's going to work?

Yes, like a dream.

I'll ring you as soon as he leaves the flat, then you can start taking the

pills. You've got the suicide note? And my note to you? Yes.

Well, I never had parts like this in the theatre.

Right.

Now come in here, old kid. I'll do my best.

Pax!

Wish me luck.

Oh, I do, darling.

Room 203, please.

Yes? Susie?

Susie, listen, I've been thinking. I don't think we should go through with

I knew you were going to say that.

I'm not going to give all this up now.

I just hope that you pushed the creep out of the door.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

He's on his way.

I feel terrible wearing this.

I know Susie would have wanted you to have it.

Do you really think so?

I still can't quite believe it.

Susie, of all people.

I never imagined her killing herself.

I don't suppose she did.

What?

I mean, these things happen. You mustn't blame yourself.

No, Pat.

You're really rather a wonderful person.

Thank you, Herbert.

No, I mean it.

I just don't know how I'd have got through these past few weeks without

I only wish I could have done more to help.

Would you like to have lunch with me?

Thank you, that would be lovely.

Rules all right?

My favorite restaurant.

I hope it won't be too dull for you.

I'm afraid I'm not back at the top of my form yet.

Well... A girl can't always have everything.