Original subtitles

John Collier, who wrote this story, is surely one of the wittiest and most

subtle writers of our time.

He has produced a multitude of short stories, three novels, and many fine

scripts.

When Collier writes fiction, he is totally outrageous.

Consider, for example, a novel called His Monkey Wife, which is all about a

female chimpanzee who falls in love with and eventually marries an

undistinguished colonial schoolmaster.

If that isn't outrageous, I don't know what is.

Here, then, is another equally outrageous Collier story.

Chicago, of course.

Well,

I'd better circulate. I'll see you later.

Samantha! How are we doing here?

You were always pretty, but you're in grave danger of becoming a beauty.

I'm looking forward to starting a hospital.

God help the hearts of our students when you do it.

Darling, would you circulate with me?

Oh, yes, of course.

Would you like some?

Ladies and gentlemen, I know James is going to hate me making a speech. All

same, I'm jolly well going to.

Now then,

who but Hermione would provide us all with such a splendid feast a few hours

before she goes off to America?

Well, I'm quite sure of one thing.

She'll be the only one who doesn't suffer from jet lag.

Well, you know, I sometimes feel nowadays that Britain's losing faith in

herself. So it's a real shot in the arm to know that our hospital, and in

particular James's unit, leads the world in one field.

Yeah, yeah. So much so, in fact, that the Americans want to steal James from

for nine months.

Oh, well, that's the usual period of gestation.

So let's hope that the mating of James and the Americans will bear fruit.

Well, we're all going to miss him.

And we shall miss Hermione, too.

And, alas, she won't be here to organise our arts festival this summer.

However, I understand it's all in the capable hands of... Who?

Sebastian. Oh, Sebastian.

Yes, well,

I won't be here to bully you all into buying tickets, but we do have some most

exciting events, particularly that series of concerts of Renaissance music,

I do hope that you'll all give Sebastian your support.

Well,

I hope you both have a splendid trip. Oh, and one thing.

We all know... what James is going to spend the proceeds on.

Well, what more harmless hobby could there be than growing orchids? I must

they do look very nice. I don't know much about them.

Mmm, they also smell very nice.

Just like Hermione.

But I smell of his packing, luggage and mothballs.

Now, now, Gabby.

Now, I'd just like to say that the research which has given us the honour

this invitation is the result, like most modern research, of teamwork.

And most of you here were in that team and...

We are both very grateful for all your years of hard work and loyalty.

Thank you. Thank you, Gavin. Excellent. Now, drink.

And now, go on, everyone.

Darling.

The unit will go on while we're away, of course, as usual, but orchids

need water.

And I'd be most grateful if all my friends could take care of one of our

beauties till we get back. So if you'd just follow me.

They've all got a label with full instructions on the back. Now, look

is a patiopedilium hirsutissimum.

I call it the hairy one.

Do you think you're going to like it?

Will it like me?

Oh, of course it will.

One thing worries me.

James is going to get a lot of offers over there, you know.

And double, treble the salaries we get.

Now, you won't let him be tempted, will you? We need him.

Tom, I promise you, I won't let the dollars seduce James or America seduce

Tom,

I don't think you're going to escape without one.

Oh, thank you.

I've got one with a Latin name that sounds extremely rude.

Oh, you are lucky to have a husband whose mania doesn't involve you in

soaking wet and freezing every weekend.

Oh, Tom's sailing. Tom's sailing. I'm Tom's crew. I sometimes wish the boat

would sink.

Not with Tom on it.

Well, preferably not.

Do you think orchids can't be annoying, too?

Oh, they can't talk.

Oh. James talks to them endlessly.

Well, rather more than he talks to me, actually.

Sometimes he's in there half the night, potting and clinking away.

And whenever I want to watch television or listen to a concert, that's the

moment when he decides he wants to put up some shelving.

I want him to have a nice, new, modern aluminium greenhouse out of sight behind

the tennis court.

See, without his clutter, that would make the most marvellous garden.

Oh, and you're so clever at doing things up.

No, I'm not clever.

Well, I'm clever enough to know what to copy.

Put it out in the light and air till the first frost. We'll take the greatest

care of it.

Intensive care. Oh, Gavin.

Mine's just a stick.

Well, don't worry. It'll burst into butter in December. Give it a light

over with this from time to time.

So, ma 'am.

Now, this one's for you.

It's called an odontoglossum superba. It's the most precious one.

Why?

Is it a rare one?

It's the most precious, Samantha, because it will give you an opportunity

call upon you to collect it.

When exactly do we see you both again?

Oh, all being well, we shall be back for Christmas.

Put that over there, shall I? Thank you. There we are.

Drive carefully.

See you at Christmas.

Bye -bye.

Something would matter.

Oh, for God's sake, grow up!

I'm a big boy now, Mummy.

You can't set eyes on a young girl without having to show me that you can

her. Well, all right, then. Get one.

One of your adoring young nurses, maybe. And I hope you're more used to her than

you are to me.

You've got a joke, do you know?

People laugh at you behind your back.

The ageing cousin of a...

That's a role that I much prefer to my present one.

That of the hen -pecked husband.

Hen -pecked husbands usually help.

It's your glory, Hermione, that you never need help from anyone.

You're always so perfectly organised.

Aren't you?

Hermione? Hermione!

What is it?

I just found something absolutely extraordinary.

Come up and see.

Hermione!

Yes? Something really peculiar.

What is it?

Aren't you dressed yet? What are you doing? Unless my eyesight's deceiving

there's a gold chain down that drain.

Can't be. I haven't got a gold chain.

Oh, unless you've had someone here, of course. Some tidy little nurse who

a bath.

Oh, really? Seriously, Hermione, come and look. Oh.

There.

There.

You can't be lost. We were there an hour ago.

Well, it must be left, then right, then left again.

All right.

Around the world, then.

One bloody earring.

You've been losing earrings ever since I knew you.

Why don't you get your ears pierced? I can't bear the thought.

You, a hospital nurse.

I told you they'd be gone.

That's right. Not until six.

They might be calling on someone on the way.

goes with my Chinese dress.

I wanted to wear it to the Fraser Star.

Thank you.

Stop!

What is it now? I just want to drop a note in. There should have a daily woman

or someone who keeps an eye on the place.

If earring found, please ring.

Why is it I can never remember our telephone number?

2825.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a few minutes we should be landing at Los Angeles

Airport. Would you kindly observe the new smoking sign and ensure that you're

seated in the upright position?

We are on safety and comfort. We ask you to remain seated when you take off.

Until the captain has parked the aircraft in place.

We're both having a marvelous time here in L .A. and enjoying the legendary

American hospitality.

Back.

Uh, aye.

Hello? Hello, James.

Eleanor, darling.

You got my message?

How are you? I was scared to death I'd miss you.

You're in Los Angeles? Yes, we've come. New York, Chicago, Philadelphia.

Now I'm here, at last.

Oh, I didn't know Jackie went. Listen, Eleanor, I've got some great news.

She's left me.

She's gone.

Left you?

Where? Quite suddenly.

What do you mean, James? Oh, hold on a minute.

Here, come in.

Oh, put it in the bedroom, will you?

So what time are you arriving?

Not till 9 .30.

Oh, that means a late dinner, I suppose.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Well, I suppose I'll survive. Oh, thanks very much. I'll survive till then.

You usually do. Yes.

What are you going to do?

What do you mean, what am I going to do?

I'm going to build a glass house, a range of glass houses.

Settle down.

Don't mean it.

Yes, I'm going to give up being a doctor.

I'm fed up with transplanting bits of people who are dead to people who ought

be. I just don't believe you, James. What about the hospital?

Uh, hold on a minute.

Just a minute, darling.

Dear Madam, thank you for your letter of Friday the 4th of March accepting our

estimate and for the house keys you enclosed, which we're starting work on

immediately in order to complete by Christmas, as promised.

We confirm that the work involved is as detailed as the letter.

Supplying and erecting aluminium greenhouse as shown on enclosed

Clearing existing conservative.

Moving shell.

Lifting old...

Flooring.

Digging up foundations.

Laying new floor.