Original subtitles

In the bad old days, when India was full of millionaire Maharajas, these fellows

used to bump off their wives with astonishing frequency.

Oddly, they all used the same method, and very royal and Maharaja -ish it was.

Not for them, a coarse bash on the head or a bloody running through with a sword

or a slashing of the throat.

They used tiger's whiskers.

A Maharaja intent upon disposing of his wife would first go out and shoot a

tiger. He would then cut off its whiskers.

These whiskers, which were as sharp and spiky as slivers of glass, would be

chopped up into small pieces and sprinkled on the Maharani's curry at

When eaten, they would perforate the lining of her intestine and kill her off

within two days.

In other countries, tiger's whiskers are rather hard to come by, so we husbands

have to use other, less refined methods.

as you will see in a moment.

Good night, Mr. Baggs.

Good night, David.

Good night, Mr.

Boyle. Good night, Bronson.

Isn't it time you settled your account?

I came prepared.

When this started, you had a sob story about helping some young drug addict.

Read tape about over -prescribing.

That young addict doesn't seem to be responding to your treatment.

I'll tell you the truth, John.

We doctors are sorely tempted, you know, only to look at our suicide rate.

I got hooked on the stuff myself.

That's what I thought.

All along.

I take risks for you.

And I pay for them.

It's been simple to oblige you so far, but one day someone's going to count the

tablet they get in a bottle.

Most of the people on these are too confused, disturbed to count.

And I suppose my little contribution helps with your... With my...

Inflation must have made adultery impossibly expensive. How's your wife?

Eleven stone and twelve pounds.

I know exactly because the Slimming Clinic gives her a little card. She has

weight loss target.

Now, she's always going up instead of down. She hides it.

But I know where.

And George simply won't know.

Well, suppose George finds out.

If he finds out, I'll be glad.

Yes, glad.

And Phyllis?

What about Phyllis?

Phyllis will be so busy thinking about herself, she won't have to... Oh, no,

no, no.

Derek, dear boy, you're giving me absolutely nothing.

Mary, darling, I know it. You have seen that I must have a little boy.

Phyllis, Phyllis, let's try to be sensible about it.

We have to think of the children.

How's the pig?

Women are awful.

You're awful.

Men have some kind of loyalty, but women... Mary was your best friend, and

call her the pig.

It's good Raj still thinks I am her best friend.

What do you call her in your mind?

A fat pig.

A fat, fat, fat pig.

When they weigh her, they must need a crane strapped round her belly like when

they weigh sows.

Could we have a little quiet up there, please?

Where have they gone to? They're still on Act One.

It's obvious by the shape of it that it is a whistle. In fact, if I put them out

and blow, your ear will blow.

And it has a slide up and down like this. So one would presume that the

whistle would vary when you did that. But it doesn't because the whistle part

it finishes there.

And then on the side of it, it has a funny little proga here.

But when you push it down, the point comes through the bottom end.

I can't wait, John. Not any longer. The way the old sow's stuffing herself

now. She'll eat us after death. Her heart won't take it. I can't wait for

heart. What about my heart?

I love you, Frances.

If you love me,

you're just divorced.

I have an idea.

Supposing you told her I was stepping out of line, perhaps with one of the

in the show, and sounded her out half like a joke, say, would you ever divorce

him? Act two, please, act two. Come on, John.

All right, Damien. They're coming.

Never. But suppose... Oh, it's probably not serious, just the last fling, but

suppose he just walked out on you, ran off with her.

Who is she?

Oh, I've no idea. It's just gossip. He's been seen with someone.

He wouldn't leave me.

John couldn't. He isn't the type.

But if he did, he'd be sorry.

I can tell you that.

You must have seen enough divorce cases go through your office.

I'd see that he paid.

I'd get every last penny the court would give me.

By the time I'd finished with them, him and his little tramp, whoever she is,

they'd be sorry they started.

I've asked you not to use my razor for that. It clogs the head.

Well, buy me one of my own then. You sell them.

You're bringing up the high sugar?

Yes.

Don't look at me like that. These are non -flattening.

Low -calorie glucose.

You compulsive eaters are worse than alcoholics. You all have an excuse.

I'm not a compulsive eater. I've got a problem with my metabolism.

Well,

how was the rehearsal?

Pretty good.

We blocked out half act two.

Who were the girls in the company?

Well, apart from Frances, that blonde from the gas board.

She was in Rookery Nook.

And the brunette, who's in French without tears.

Oh, and the mousy little thing. Well, she's just a walk -on. She works in the

public library.

The mousy little thing I'd wonder about.

What?

Well, if you were straying, John, the one you'd run down is the one I'd

John, do you love me?

Of course I do.

You never say so.

Well, after ten years, it gets forgotten.

Do you know what I'd really love you for?

What?

If you had me my lines before we went to sleep.

Act two. It's a devil to learn.

What's between us is real. You can't say it isn't.

I never said it wasn't real.

I said it was dangerous.

Dangerous for who?

Dangerous for you.

For you.

Not a very good play, is it?

These things are best discussed over a good dinner. Oh, I agree.

Preferably on a banquette with a very good wine.

So who?

Oh, we could go slumming at the Ritz.

Jolly good.

Absolutely splendid.

Now, can we have Derek and Annie, please? Act two, scene one.

Well, in that case, the boat is out. I've still a bank loan for redoing the

shop. Have you thought that you and I are uniquely qualified for one way out?

I work for a solicitor, so I know the law.

You're a pharmacist, so you know.

Know what?

All about sickness and death.

Thanks. I found a harmless little pill that looks exactly like those, so I slip

half a dozen into each prescription.

And I've not had one complaint.

With some conditions, you can prescribe pills made of chalk and sugar, and 40 %

of your patients say it makes them feel better.

How's your practice?

Could be brisker.

Not full up, then?

Wish I was.

I'm worried about Mary.

The hospital's too rich. If she doesn't lose weight, she'll kick the bucket.

Drain on the heart.

I got her to go to a slimming clinic. Now she's packed it in.

Our doctor's Gregson.

Oh, Gregson. He can't make a listen. He doesn't seem to care.

I was wondering if we might transfer to you as our dear old family doctor,

counsellor and friend.

Of course.

You'll have to tell Gregson.

Mary doesn't seem to respond to him. I'd put it frankly, a change of doctor

might bring a change of heart.

All you have to do is fill in page three of your medical card.

Isn't there some affinity between compulsive eaters and other

addicts?

You might understand her, identify her.

Help her more than a teetotal square like Gregson.

Do you want some favour of me, John?

I might.

You are clever getting Dr Applegate.

You're sure he's good.

Line and thinker. And hard line. I could get him struck off the register.

Ruin him.

We have to wait just a bit longer.

A medical practitioner may not issue a certificate unless he be in attendance

upon the deceased during his or her last illness. I looked it up today.

I've seen worse in the West.

Hey, look, everybody, the star!

Hey!

Time that came down.

What'll be the next?

Hay fever or gaslight.

Gaslight would be best for you.

I may not be here, John.

What?

I can't take this any longer.

Being the other woman.

I've got an open date to return.

I loathe my husband.

I loathe my husband.

Philadelphia's packed with lawyers. I might stay on and look for a job.

English secretary's are a status symbol there.

I could double my money.

And perhaps find someone.

What? I've had it, John.

With hole -and -corner stuff, I've had it.

My flight's at 12 .50, so I have to be up at the crack.

I called in on Mary to say goodbye.

The Bates were there.

I gave a very good impression of Mary's oldest friend.

I thought it might help.

Help with what?

Help with what you've got to do, John.

If you want me... They kill pigs every day by the thousand. Haven't you got the

nerve to get rid of just one?

I've thought of everything.

Drive the car in the river.

Get out myself.

It has to be something that doesn't need an inquest. Something that Dr.

Applegate can certify as natural causes.

There is one way.

At last.

How? It's better you don't know.

Send me a telegram.

Regret inform you.

I'll be back.

But not unless... I'll do it, Frances.

I promise.

I love you.

Oh, I love you.

But... only if.

out of barley sugars.

I knew you'd moan, so I brought you these.

Must be a thousand calories in those.

What about the marron glace?

Bates brought them.

Francis came round to say goodbye.

Some people come, eat you out of house and home, never bring a thing.

At least the Bateses always bring something, even if it's only flowers

garden.

Dr Applegate called.

I don't know why.

Most of them won't visit nowadays unless you're on your last legs.

The money, perhaps.

I think they get more for a home visit.

Why did you change from Dr Gregson to Dr Applegate? Oh, I didn't think Gregson

was helping you with your problem.

I don't have a problem.

I've got a metabolic condition.

Dr Applegate gave me a long lecture.

He's very sympathetic.

I rather like Dr Applegate, actually.

No. I think I'll save the chocolates till tomorrow.

The story of the men who gambled with the future of the world... You want some

supper?

Good night, Mr Burge. Good night, ma 'am.

Oh, hello, Johnny.

What are you doing?

I've got... I think I've got a story.

Didn't bring me my barley sugar, did you?

I'm so sorry. There's something wrong with deliveries. We're still out of

Good, I'm glad.

It was Dr.

Afflegate who helped me to see.

See what?

This eating.

It's all a matter of will.

Oh, I know there's the metabolic... What did he call it? The metabolic

idiosyncrasy, too. But in the end, it all comes down to will, to wanting to be

slim. I've never been a religious person, but now I know what they mean by

conversion.

I've been converted, Johnny.

I've seen the light.

I'm going back to the clinic.

They've set me a target.

Yes, I'm going to lose three pounds every week.

I'm going to do it.

Not just for me, but for you.

That's the important thing. I've thrown away all that muck, all the biscuits and

marron glacé and cake. So that box of chocolates I bought you was a waste of

money? It's not a waste.

I gave it to Frances.

Frances? But she's gone.

There was a strike at London Airport.

Her flight's been delayed to this afternoon.

So I gave her the chocolate to take on the trip.

I bet she's gobbling those soft centres now over the Atlantic. And I don't feel

a trace of envy, not a trace.

I'm going to make you a wonderful supper.

We're going to have grated carrots and lettuce and cottage cheese.

I'll be as thin as a rake, Johnny, and you'll love me. You'll tell me you love

me.