Original subtitles

If a bucket of paint falls on a man's head, that's funny.

If the bucket fractures his skull at the same time and kills him, that's not

funny, it's tragic.

And yet, if a man falls into a sausage machine and is sold in the shops at so

much a pound, that's funny.

It is also tragic.

So why is it funny?

I don't know.

But what I do know is that somewhere within this very difficult area lies the

secret of all black comedy.

The play you're going to see now is one of those blackish comedies, and thanks

to the presence of two famous stars, it's come out a good deal funnier than I

was ever able to make it on paper.

Lady Turton, who ran her husband's newspaper empire as aggressively as she

his house in Norfolk.

didn't know that Sir Basil had invited an extra guest for the weekend,

John Bannister.

Gently. It's irreplaceable.

Gently. My lady.

Basil!

Basil!

Have you gone out of your mind?

Hello, my dear.

What on earth is this tradesman's van doing at the front?

My date of acquisition.

Quite wonderful. Basil!

What will my guests think?

Really, Basil, you've no style.

No style at all.

This way.

Here.

Evening, Jokes.

Good evening, sir.

Who else have we got for the weekend?

Hardly anyone, sir. Yourself and Miss Carmen La Rosa, and a young friend of

Basil's, I believe, sir.

A young chap, blocking the drive.

Really possum, sir.

Good looking, is he?

Presentable? Bit of young blood?

I've no idea, sir.

You'll find Lady Turton in the library, sir.

Thank you. Send up my bags, will you? I'll change first.

She's beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah, you made it. Good.

Well, what do you think?

She's just arrived.

I like it.

She looks better than when we saw her last in the sale room.

Don't you think? No comparison.

I realize I paid over the odds, but we couldn't let her go to Dusseldorf, could

we? Anyway, I had to have her.

She fills a real gap in my collection.

I like the way he's used the natural grain of the wood.

Don't tell Lady Turton that. She hates what she calls art talk.

Can't imagine what he was doing, young idiot.

A young man.

Part his pedal car all over the drive.

I blasted him with my horns.

Jelich tells me he's Basil's guest.

I think.

Does he ride?

Oh, we'll have to see.

If he's Basil's guest, he's bound to be a drip.

Well, now.

I take that back.

My dear, may I introduce John Bannister? We happen to meet at Sotheby's.

Oh, Basil haunts that place.

Every honest penny I earn, he spends on art. How do you do?

How do you do, Lady Titan?

Oh, Natalia, please.

Basil, do get this presentable young man a drink.

Love you, sir.

Carmen John, Carmen La Rosa. How do you do?

Are you horsey? Not really, no. Oh.

Then we won't have anything to say to each other.

What do you do?

I'm an art historian.

Oh, my God, how awful for you.

Jokes, get me another martini.

I've just met an art historian.

Oh, I think you've met Jack, Major Haddock. In a way, yes.

How do you do?

Unique.

Stupid place to leave a car.

I was admiring the view.

Don't we all?

Basil, for God's sake, take our guest upstairs. I cannot stand tweeds after

I can't wait to see you in a black tie.

We've admired you of the garden, sir.

Bathroom in here.

Beware the flash, sir. It's quite powerful.

Oh, thank you.

Dinner at 7 .30, sir.

Thank you.

Don't bother with the air. Don't bother, sir. That catch is rather tricky.

I seem to have got the better of it, sir.

Look, there's hardly anything to hang up. I just threw in a few things. Quite,

sir. Just a weekend bag. Look, Rayleigh, I'd rather you didn't, sir.

Do you play bridge, sir?

Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, I do. Ah, well, then you'll be doubly welcome

here, sir. Believe me.

They play a lot of bridge, do they?

Yes, sir. And poker. And gin rummy. But Sir Basil prefers bridge.

I see you favour the modern approach to evening dress, sir. What?

Snap on, snap on.

It's a bit creased.

You laundered it yourself, sir? It's drip dry.

Quite.

I can't wear man -made fabrics myself.

I find the static electricity it generates inconvenient.

One tends to give off blue flashes in the dark.

That will be all, Jokes.

But your pumps, sir? Pumps?

Your evening footwear, sir. They may require polish, possibly. No. No,

fine. Ready.

Very well, sir.

I'll just leave you to it, then. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Yes, of course.

I never accept emoluments, sir.

No tips?

If I might offer a little further advice, sir.

Yes? It's simply that her ladyship does somewhat tend to overbid her hand.

Thank you, Jokes.

One further point, sir. At dinner... Yes?

Her ladyship's right foot doesn't always seem to know what her left foot is

doing. That will be all, Jokes.

I sincerely hope so, sir.

So what exactly do you specialize in as an art historian?

Renaissance.

Oh.

Basil used to call me his mumbling Madonna.

But I always saw myself more like that.

The telephone, milady.

Oh, what a bore.

Who is it?

The editor of the Sunday Globe, milady.

I am a slave to Basil's inheritance.

Now, his father, what a magnificent man he was.

Basil, wasn't your father a magnificent man?

Yes, dear. Very forthright.

Like you.

Brilliant. Built an international newspaper empire to the coarse

gazette. Such animal magnetism. Even on his deathbed.

But does his son take after him?

Well... The editor is waiting, milady.

He needs to know how many nudes you require for the front page of the

Edition, milady.

Thank you, George.

I shall tell him to think big.

Amazing woman, one.

One for the book, eh?

Yes.

Tell me, what do you think of Basil's art collection?

A load of rubbish. Quite the reverse.

Ah, better than what you chaps see in it. Well, for a start, it must be worth

millions.

Really? Well, that's put the fear of God into him.

Oh, Basil, haven't you finished eating yet?

He is the slowest eater in the world. Nibble, nibble, nibble.

Thank you, Joke.

Tell Cook the poached salmon was abominable.

With pleasure, milady. I know how she values your opinion.

Well,

what's it to be tonight?

Gin rummy?

Liar dice.

Strip poker.

Bridge.

One fade.

Three clubs.

Three halves.

No bid.

Three no trumps.

No bid.

No bid.

No bid.

Must you always bid three no trumps, Basil?

It makes the game so dull, so unadventurous.

Not if one wins, dear.

What's the idea, man?

I didn't ask for another scotch.

No, sir, but as things are looking, you may well need one, sir.

Are you still losing?

And quite the score, sir.

No, you may not.

In fact, Jokes, you can go to bed.

This is our last hand.

Very good, milady.

Mr. Bannister and I are 1 ,200 upjokes.

I'm very gratifying, sir.

Good night, sir.

Now go.

It's all yours.

We overbid, Natalia. I've told you before.

Oh, Jack.

No postmortems. You know I can't stand postmortems.

Basil, since winning's obviously worn you out, I suggest you go to bed, too.

I'm rather tired, dear.

I will.

Settle in the morning.

Yes, Mr. Bannister, you leave a lot to be desired.

Do I?

Beating your hostess at bridge?

Jack's furious.

And then locking your door.

Such ingratitude.

Besides, I have a key to every bedroom in this house.

All 47 of them.

47?

It's ripe pyjamas.

I'm cold -blooded. Oh.

Oh, and the bow.

How sweet.

How old -fashioned.

Just, uh, think of it as your bread -and -butter letter, darling.

Written in it both.

Forgive me, milady, I thought I heard an intruder.

You are the intruder, Jax.

Could I be of any service to you, sir?

No, I'm... Go away, Jax!

Hearing strange sounds, I took the precaution of alerting Sir Basil,

As a butler, Joe, you'd make a perfect baby minder.

I hope I've been of some service, sir.

I suppose so, yes.

If I might suggest it, a chair braced firmly under the doorknob is quite the

best deterrent.

Her ladyship has been known to sleepwalk before dawn.

Good night, Chokes.

Good night, sir.

When my father died, I was taken rather by surprise.

Up until then, I'd lived a very quiet bachelor life.

Then suddenly, at 40, I seemed to become enormously eligible.

Young ladies appeared from nowhere.

Oh, I bought that head last March.

A Frank?

Yes.

And then Natalia appeared and literally swept me off my feet. All the others

were rather miffed. She is very striking.

All a wonderful head, isn't it?

Though, I must say, she has rather changed the tone of our various

But the cash... does roll in.

Who is Sir Gallop?

We're coming.

Jack. Let her go.

Did you sleep well

last night?

Yes, eventually.

Jones told me he thought he heard an intruder.

False alarm.

Quite.

Jokes is very low.

Oh,

I love this

place.

Every inch.

What's the dicky bird?

Take one like this.

Oh, that's very good.

Tally -ho.

Shall we go down?

It's very pleasant here.

Oh, yes, brilliant. Just like those things at the seaside.

Idiot. Gotcha.

How now, my proud beauty.

Natalia finds everything so amusing.

Jack, I'm stuck.

You can't be.

I am.

Oh, rubbish.

What goes in must come what in. Jack, do something.

Oh, flatten your ears back.

We'll get something quickly. Butter, lard, anything.

I got my fist stuck in a jar of boiled sweets once. Couldn't get it out.

Finally, I broke the jar with a hammer and told my mother it fell off the shelf

by mistake.

I suppose we ought to help, really.

I suppose so, yes.

A cigarette?

Virginia this side, Turkish that.

I don't, thank you.

I do.

Nothing good Turkish.

What are you doing?

Better take the jacket off.

We'll just have to wait for Carmen.

Oh, God.

Now look who's here.

Battle, get me out of here.

What's the matter, dear?

Isn't it obvious?

Stuck ahead through the blast of hell.

Can't get it out.

How or?

Just for a lark, you know.

Quite. A bit of fun, as it were.

Battle, don't be such a damn fool.

Pretty obvious. We'll just have to break up this lump of wood.

Surely not.

No petroleum jelly should do the trick.

Ah, you thought of it already.

Allow me.

Good. You're not going to smother me in that much.

Basil! Keep still, dear.

That's right, on the ears.

Plenty of ears.

Oh, how dare you!

Oh, this is so humiliating!

Oh, Beth!

Oh, look at you!

You are enjoying this, aren't you? You beastly little rabbit of a man!

I reckon my old fart would get her, eh?

Not going to take her, that's the answer.

Poor madam.

Try now. A good, strong, poor...

from the hips.

I must look ghastly.

It's no care.

We will straighten her out. You take the left leg.

You two, come on.

Now, you take the left. That's right. Both of you. That's right. Up.

Now.

Ready.

Steady.

best lady turtle.

Traitor!

No!

Perhaps we should call the fire again.

Oh, and have them see me looking like this.

Ah, jokes.

An unusual occurrence, sir. Quite.

I presume it is the ears that are the main obstruction, sir.

Could well be.

They do tend to swell in moments of excitement.

Jokes. My lady.

Please.

Do Something constructive?

We are considering ways and means, milady.

Ah, I said so. Chop the damn thing up. Chop up a masterpiece.

No question, man.

All right, that'll... Come on, get on with it.

Your ladyship is right, sir. No time like the present, I always say. The saw

the axe, sir.