Original subtitles

This is a play about a very expensive mink coat.

The original story is quite short, but I'm such a ridiculously slow writer that

it took me something like five months to get the thing finished, which is more

than 600 working hours.

That probably sounds a bit silly to you, but in trying to work the plot out

properly, I took so many wrong turnings and went up so many blind alleys, I

nearly went crazy.

Don't forget, a short story writer is working in miniature.

And he can't afford to splash his paint all over the canvas. He has to be

extremely precise.

I find it very difficult.

Anyway, see what you think of it.

Thank you.

It isn't three months already, is it? Mm -hmm. Good heavens, how time flies.

Seems like yesterday.

What time?

Your last visit to Aunt Maude. No, it's three months.

Will you be away till Monday? Yes, the weekend is usual.

You don't think it's too much, do you, every three months?

Four times a year, an awful expense. After all, she is only an aunt.

I'm very poor, is that what you mean? I've nothing to gain.

No, no, no, no. It seems a little excessive, that's all.

An aunt.

Every three months, four times a year. I'm very fond of Aunt Maud. I know.

I'm her only living relative. I'm all she has.

It's the least I can do. It's my duty.

Yes, and I admire you for it.

How long is it you kept it up?

Eight years.

Eight years.

Well, there you are. I always admired you for your sense of duty.

I wouldn't do it.

Not from what you tell me about her.

Poor old Auntie Maud.

Eighty -four.

One Robin, bedridden, penniless.

I'm only grateful you don't expect me to come with you.

I wouldn't do that.

After all, she's not your aunt, she's mine.

Quiet.

Dearest.

Tonight.

What?

Did you brush your teeth?

Mm -hmm.

See you Monday.

Don't work too hard.

Bye.

You'll have to excuse me. I must be getting back. I'm a little late as it

Ah, yes, Colonel, of course.

Aren't more, isn't it, you bachelors? Aren't more, exactly.

Annie, oh, darling.

I'd almost forgotten how ravishing you looked.

What did I do, Garble?

Did the fluoride knock off, precisely?

Yes, sometimes more.

And the dental floss?

I even knocked out my gun.

It must be the brushing. What's the rule for brushing, Miss Fulton?

Pencil. That's the rule.

Use the length of the brush to the full.

Teeth have two sides, so it's outer and inner. Five minutes, that's all, and

you'll end up a winner.

Rinse, please.

Oh, Miss Poutney, I forgot to say I'll be working late.

Oh, I remembered, Mr. Bixby. I have ordered your sandwiches.

Thank you.

Yes, I want to do some inlays. Yes, Mr. Bixby.

Excuse me, Mr. Bixby. I think the injection is beginning to wear off. Open

Come along, me darling. Time to wake up.

Oh, what day is it?

Monday. Oh, no, not already.

Afraid so. Our time flies.

Oh, please, don't say that.

Seamus will drive you to the airport.

You'll come too, won't you? Afraid not.

Important business.

Oh, I don't see how I can wait another three months.

I almost forgot.

The colonel asked me to give you this.

Oh, good heavens, what an enormous box.

What is it? Was there a message?

Did he send a message? No, no message.

Oh, thank you.

Darling, I once heard you saying you were fond of mink, so I got you this.

I'm told it's a good one.

Please accept it as a parting gift.

For my own personal reasons, I shall not be able to see you anymore.

We always said, just so long as it lasts and no longer.

Goodbye, my darling.

It's been fun.

Good luck.

P .S.

In the right -hand pocket of the coat, you will find an envelope for customs.

You have nothing to worry about.

The duty's paid.

Duty's paid?

P .P .S.

Just say that Auntie Maud gave it to you for Christmas.

But Auntie Maud could never afford a present like this.

Not in a million years.

God, what will I tell Cyril?

I've got to keep this code.

I've got to.

I want to. I've got to.

But how will I explain it?

What will I tell Cyril?

Sorry about this traffic, love.

You'll die to the weather.

Could you please pull over there and wait for me? I won't be a moment.

Yes?

Uh, hello.

Oh,

isn't it silly of me?

I've gone and lost my purse.

The banks are all closed now, and, well, I just have to have some money. I mean,

I simply need some money to get home. I feel such a terrible fool.

What you got?

Well, this is really a very valuable coat.

How much do you want? It's mink.

How much do you want? Oh, not much. Just enough to pay for the taxi.

I'll come back tomorrow and redeem it. How much?

I feel so stupid. I mean, if only I had a ring or a watch. But the fact is I

don't have a thing with me other than this coat.

Lady, how much do you want?

Money?

Comfrey? Fifty pounds.

For a taxi?

Still, that's your business.

Okay.

£50. Name?

Mrs... Oh, no, no.

Leave that out.

And the address. You don't have to have a name and address, do you? I don't have

to. But you know the risk.

You lose this ticket, got no name on it, you're in trouble.

How so?

Anyone can get hold of this ticket, come in here and claim the article.

Yes, I realise that. All they've got to do is to give me the ticket and I've got

to give them the article.

Yes, I know. So you'd better not lose it. Oh, I'm not going to lose it.

Good heavens, no, it's only till tomorrow.

Yes, well, have it your own way.

Now, what do you want me to put down for a description?

Mink, fur, what? No, no, no description either. It's not necessary. Just put the

amount, 50 pounds.

Lady, I don't want to interfere in your private life, but I've been in this game

a long time.

Take my advice. Put a description.

What for?

What for, she asks.

You may want to sell this ticket sometime.

Now, who's going to buy it if they know what it is? No, but I'm not going to

sell it. I'm coming back for the coat tomorrow.

I'm not broke. I simply lost my purse. I'm temporarily embarrassed.

Don't you understand?

Well, it's your coat.

Fifty pounds. Tell me something. If I don't have a description on the ticket,

how can I be sure that you'll give me back this coat and not something else

I return?

It goes in the books.

But all I've got is a ticket with a number on it. So, in fact, you could

hand me any old thing you wanted. Isn't that so? Look, do you want a description

or don't you?

No, no, I trust you. Right.

£50.

£50.

£20, £40, £50.

She don't like fur coats.

I've got a little surprise for you.

You've always said that only Americans can mix dry martinis. Well, let me just

try this.

Perfect. Yes, it's simply a question of getting the vermouth to the nearest

milligram.

I bought this for measuring. Darling, how clever of you.

Yes, I thought so.

Go on. What?

You were saying about Aunt Maud.

Oh, yes.

I don't think she's well. She looked awfully frail. You know, I had the

feeling... I don't know how to explain it, but I had the feeling I wouldn't see

her again.

Nonsense.

So, 84.

Can't complain.

I worked all the weekend.

Carved a few inlays. Did my accounts.

Now, really, Cyril, you should let Arthur do your donkey work for you.

that...

Pulteney, whatever her name is, supposed to help with your account?

You can't expect young people to work over the weekend.

No, there's no sense of duty nowadays.

Darling, I knew there was something I had to tell you. Look, I found this.

What is it? I don't know.

I found it on the seat of my taxi. It's got a number on it.

I thought it might be a lottery ticket or something.

You know what this is, don't you? No, I don't. It's a pawn ticket. A what?

A pawn ticket.

A ticket from a pawnbroker. Oh! The name of the shop.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, this might be rather amusing.

Why could it be amusing?

Well, there's no owner's name and no description of the article.

Well, you know how pawn tickets work, don't you? No, they sound awfully dull

me. Well...

Tell me over dinner. Oh, darling, would you set the table, please?

And because there's no name and address, this is now our ticket.

My ticket? I found it.

What's the matter? The important thing is that we are now in a position to

redeem whatever it is for 50 pounds. Oh, what fun.

Could be anything.

Isn't that right, darling?

Absolutely anything.

Yes, but probably a ring or a watch. Oh, how absolutely thrilling.

Now, just give me back the ticket and I'll rush over first thing tomorrow

morning and find out. No, I think I'd better do that.

Oh, no, I want to do it myself. No, I think not. I'll pick it up on my way to

work. Pawn shop.

No place for a lady.

You're a foreigner, dearest.

You don't know the way we do these things over here.

And you've no reason to know pawnbrokers, thank heavens. You're

cheated. I wouldn't get cheated. Honestly, I wouldn't. Give it to me,

Rather you didn't handle it, if you don't mind. One never knows with this

of thing. But I found it, that whatever it is, it's mine. Isn't that right?

Yes, of course, it's yours.

There's no need to get so worked up.

Of course, it might be something entirely masculine.

Pocket watch, coupling.

Well, in that case, you can have it, but if it's a woman's thing, I want it

myself. Now, is that agreed?

Agreed. I tell you what, why don't you come with me?

No.

You're right.

You'll handle it much better than I. I know you go along.

It's going to be much more fun if I go behind and wait.

Be sure to telephone the moment you know what it is. Promise?

Promise.

Well, Sylvia, isn't it exciting?

It's amusing, certainly.

There's no doubt about that.

Darling.

All right, Cyril, I brought it.

Did you?

What is it? Is it something nice?

Oh, no, go on, darling. Tell me what it is.

Oh, I can't guess, Cyril. I can't.

Don't be infuriating, Cyril. Is it for a woman?

Stop keeping me in suspense. I can't bear it. I can't.

Something fantastic.

Really.

A necklace?

No. A diamond ring?

Not a diamond ring.

Something you wear?

Oh, I don't know. A hat?

Oh, for goodness sake, Carol, tell me what it is!

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not waiting until tonight. I'm coming down to your office

to get whatever it is now.

Mrs. Bixby, your husband is expecting you. I'm just off for lunch.

He won't keep you, Mr. Gorman.

Get in here.

Shut your eyes.

Shut your eyes.

Don't look.

I have to get it out of the cupboard. Oh, heavens, I'm so excited.

All right, you can look.

I don't dare.

Take a peek.

Mint. Real mint.

Keep your eyes on that.

What's the matter, dearest? Don't you like it?

Is that what the pawnbroker gave you?

Absolutely. In a great big box.

Quite takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Magnificent quality.

And look at the lovely colour. It must be worth at least... Oh, £100, I think.

Really? Here, try it on.

Perfect.

It really suits you. Oh.

Not everyone has mink, I think.

No.

I'm afraid you mustn't expect a Christmas present.

£50 is rather more than I intended to spend.

I would take you out to lunch to celebrate, but I'm running rather late.

I have to pick Mr. Gorman's dentures. Oh, and I shall be home late tonight.

In lays.

Nine o 'clock, I should think.

Perhaps even ten.

Run along, dearest, and consider yourself a very lucky woman.

All right, Mr. Gorman.