Original subtitles

(calm music)

It's been a while since I've done one of these,

so let's get caught up to speed.

Everything can be traced back to Project Freelancer,

a military organization gone horribly wrong.

The men in charge were corrupt,

and the soldiers who followed them were blind.

Guess which side I was on?

Eventually it was the project's own creations

that tore it to pieces,

and I was the one sent out to pick them up.

I recovered weapons, armor, and A.I. fragments

all in an effort to keep the wrong people

from getting them first,

but I was too slow.

Everyone fought over the remnants of Project Freelancer.

I didn't think I could believe in anyone anymore.

But then,

I met the Reds and Blues.

- [Sarge] Hey Caboose!

- [Caboose] Hello.

- [Sarge] We've got a proposition for ya.

- [Caboose] For me?

Oh, well, you shouldn't have.

- [Wash] They had been used by the Freelancers,

just like I had.

They were cannon fodder in a conflict with no purpose.

But more importantly...

- [Caboose] Tucker, the Reds gave us a proposition.

We should really send them some sort of thank you basket,

like fruit.

- [Tucker] Proposition just means a choice you idiot.

- [Caboose] Oh.

We will take the fuzzy one.

- [Sarge] But you don't even know

what the proposition is yet.

- [Caboose] Well then we don't know

that it isn't fuzzy then do we?

- [Wash] They were just stupid enough to trust.

Together, we were able to put an end to everything.

The Freelancers, the A.I.,

even The Director of the whole operation.

They're all gone.

And as for us, well,

we're ship wrecked.

Crashed during our ride home,

and if we're not rescued soon,

I have a feeling something else might find us first.

This is Agent Washington signing-

(explosion)

Oohhh, what now?

(explosions)

- [Simmons] You missed, sir.

- [Sarge] Dag nabbit!

Who in Sam Hill set this thing to inverted?

- [Simmons] Well sir, statistically most users enjoy...

(Sarge grumbles)

Well eh err, it was probably Grif sir.

- [Grif] Hey, what the fuck is going on out here?

Who's firing at our base?

- [Sarge] We are!

- [Grif] You are?

- [Sarge] Our base is in desperate need of renovations.

Figured I'd tear down the east wing

and put in something nice and decorative.

Like a mortar cannon.

- [Grif] And it didn't occur to you

to warn me before you started

blowing holes in the side of the wall?

(explosion)

Oh, come on!

- [Simmons] Direct hit, sir.

- [Sarge] No it wasn't.

- [Wash] What are you two doing?

- [Sarge] Well if it isn't our good friend Agent Washington.

- [Wash] Don't try to butter me up.

Also, please refrain from pointing that at me.

- [Sarge] Fine.

- [Simmons] We were just borrowing the tank

for a little construction work.

- [Wash] Really?

And which one of my men authorized this?

It was Caboose wasn't-

- [Caboose] Probably.

(Wash sighs)

- [Wash] Sarge, get out of the tank.

- [Sarge] Not a chance, Blue.

Possession's 9/10 of the law.

And the other tenth is a tank.

I've got both.

Besides, we need it to upgrade our quarters.

- [Wash] Your quarters are fine.

- [Grif] Yeah, now get out of the tank you senile old-

(explosion)

Fucking son of a bitch!

- [Sarge] Finger slipped.

- [Wash] Out, now!

- [Caboose] My turn!

- [Wash] Please, be quiet.

- [Caboose] (whispers) My turn.

- [Sarge] This is an outrage!

Blue base is built directly below the crash site.

You've got an unfair advantage.

- [Wash] Sarge, the Reds and Blues aren't fighting.

We're just camped at opposite ends of the canyon

in color divided teams.

While heavily armed.

- [Sarge] True.

But have you ever considered that fighting

is just in our nature?

It's almost instinctual.

If we're not constantly trying to stab each other

in the back, we'll surely die.

- [Wash] Dear God, I hate you.

- [Sarge] That's the spirit. (chuckles)

- [Grif] We may not be fighting,

but you're still way closer to the food stores than we are,

and that is something I will not stand for.

- [Simmons] You won't stand for anything, fat ass.

- [Grif] If you were a few feet closer, you'd be sorry.

- [Wash] If we don't ration our food we'll all be sorry.

We've yet to get our communications dish online,

and if we run out of food before we can radio for help,

we're screwed.

- [Grif] Buzz kill.

- [Wash] Come on, Caboose.

We need to go have a chat with Private Tucker.

- [Simmons] There goes the revered leader of the Blue Army.

What a dick.

- Fine, we don't need that tank anyway.

As many great 21st century movie trailers once said.

This is only the beginning.

And then text would appear on the screen.

And the music would cut out abruptly.

And they'd say one final line of dialog

to leave the audience with the ultimate sense of excitement!

- [Grif] Like what?

- [Sarge] I dunno.

(guitar strums)

- [Tucker] Oh shit.

(tank engine rumbles)

- [Caboose] We are back.

- [Tucker] Caboose?

Christ, I thought you were in that thing.

Wait, who is in that thing?

- [Wash] Hello, Private.

- [Tucker] Oh, shit.

- [Wash] What is the one thing

I tell you each and every morning?

- [Tucker] Wake up.

- [Wash] The other thing.

- [Tucker] For the love of God,

stop sleeping naked.

- [Wash] Don't let anyone touch the tank.

- [Tucker] (chuckles) Okay.

I can see where you're going with this.

- [Wash] Until we're rescued,

we need to be more mindful of the supplies that we have.

- [Tucker] I know, I know ration the food,

maintain our equipment.

- [Caboose] Brush your teeth,

don't talk to strangers,

try not to shoot anyone

while they're trying to brush their teeth.

- [Wash] And always report in to me.

- [Tucker] Do we have to?

- [Wash] Yes, I even put up that old blue team

organizational chart to help demonstrate the point.

- [Tucker] Yeah, but we never really listened to that.

Church just kinda shouted orders

and we'd get around to them, eventually.

Or we wouldn't, whatever.

- [Caboose] He was an inspiration to us all.

- [Wash] Well Church and Carolina

decided to run off without so much as a goodbye.

So it's up to me to keep us all together.

Maybe if someone hadn't have crashed the ship,

we wouldn't be in this mess.

- [Tucker] Whoa, wait a second.

Why are you looking at me when you say that?

- [Wash] I just have a hard time believing

that thousands of well-trained crew members

were to blame for the incident.

- [Tucker] Well, they definitely didn't survive it.

(Tucker laughs) Um.

- [Wash] Wow.

- [Tucker] Yeah.

- [Wash] You proud of yourself?

- [Tucker] No.

- [Caboose] Yeah that was, that's too soon.

Prob-probably too soon for sound effects too.

"Meeer. Oh god help us, Kapow."

Yeah that's too soon.

(guitar strums)

- [Sarge] Absolutely unacceptable.

- [Simmons] I couldn't agree more, sir.

- [Grif] But you have no idea what he's gonna say.

- [Simmons] Oh, right.

Yeah, just got a little excited.

- [Grif] You are the worst kind of person.

- [Sarge] Quiet morons, we've got a situation on our hands.

- [Grif] Which is?

- [Sarge] The deplorable condition of Red Base.

- [Grif] You're still hung up on that?

We're stranded in the middle of nowhere,

surrounded by a mysterious and seemingly uninhabited jungle,

might I add,

and you're worried about the condition

of our makeshift fort?

- [Simmons] Besides I don't think

our base is even that bad.

- [Grif] Well, I wouldn't say that.

- [Simmons] What?

What's wrong with it?

- [Grif] Seriously?

There's an enormous hole in the roof.

Every night it rains, I get washed into the corner.

- [Simmons] Oh, well, yeah, there's that.

But I mean, overall.

- [Sarge] And the majority of the west wing

is made up of sand bags and rain tarps.

- [Grif] Which reminds me.

If we have rain tarps,

why aren't we using them to cover up the hole in the roof?

- [Simmons] Listen, I think you guys

are blowing this whole thing a little out of proportion.

- [Grif] You're just saying that

because you're the one that designed the base.

- [Simmons] Well, I did a better job

than you would've done.

- [Sarge] That's not sayin' much.

- [Grif] I bet I could at least do it in a better location.

- [Simmons] But this is the best location.

The sunlight is perfect for maintaining my vegetable garden,

and the faulty engine from the ship

should keep us warm all winter.

- [Sarge] But aren't slipspace engines

extremely radioactive?

- [Grif] Well, that would explain

why my hair keeps falling out.

And why all your cabbages have three heads.

- [Simmons] I thought I was just really good at farming.

- [Grif] No Simmons,

you're good at other things.

Like always being on time and maintaining your virginity.

- [Simmons] Oh yeah?

Well we'll see who's laughing when my garden produces

a bountiful crop in the coming harvest!

- [Grif] Glad to hear

you've still got that virginity on lockdown, buddy.

- [Tucker] 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69.

- [Wash] Tucker, you can't keep stopping on 69.

- [Tucker] No, this time my legs went out.

- [Wash] Come on.

- [Tucker] Ohhoh, Holy Christ!

I haven't been this sore

since that bachelorette party on Bourbon Street.

- [Wash] You want me to believe you banged

an entire bachelorette party?

- [Tucker] I want you to,

but really the groom just showed up

and cracked three of my ribs.

- [Wash] And that's what I thought.

- [Tucker] Why do we have to train so much?

We never had to do squats when Church was in charge.

- [Wash] Exactly.

I'd say you two have fallen out of shape,

but generally in order to fall out of something,

you have to be in it first.

- [Tucker] Hey, that's funny.

You should try comedy, Wash.

Why make one person miserable,

when you can work over an entire room?

- [Wash] All right, time for sprints.

- [Tucker] Fuck you.

- [Wash] I want five laps around the canyon.

- [Tucker] Die in a fire.

- [Wash] Six laps around the canyon.

- [Tucker] Hey, why isn't Caboose down here?

Shouldn't you be making him do dumbbell hurls

or inverted pushups or something?

- [Wash] I think he's having one of his off days.

- [Tucker] Oh!

(guitar strums)

- [Sarge] Men, it has come to my attention

that we have been approaching this base problem

from the wrong direction.

- [Simmons] What do you mean?

- [Sarge] I mean we've been approaching it from the outside.

What we should have been focusing on is the interior,

the layout is all wrong.

Upon reflection, I realized

that a man of my military expertise

requires more private quarters,

a place where I can reflect on my vast victories.

And contemplate on my non-existent failures.

- [Grif] Is the place called denial?

- [Sarge] Which is why I ordered Private Grif here

to erect this new wall.

- [Simmons] Okay, I give up.

- [Grif] The sandbags.

- [Simmons] What?

That's the wall?

- [Sarge] Grif, I asked you to give me a proper erection,

not to stiff me!

- [Simmons] So glad Donut's not here.

- [Grif] Hey, it's not like

I'm some expert carpenter or something.

- [Simmons] This isn't even carpentry.

This is stacking things in a straight line poorly.

- [Grif] Well, it's all I could find.

So build a bridge and get over it.

- [Simmons] Hey Grif, when I build a bridge,

should I use a few sandbags,

or you know, something fucking useful?

- [Sarge] Useful or not,

I hereby declare that from this point forward,

this side of the wall is to be reserved

for my own personal use.

- [Simmons] Wait wait wait,

you get half of the base all to yourself?

What about me and Grif?

- [Sarge] Sorry Simmons, afraid I can't hear you

from the next room.

These walls are just too thick!

- [Simmons] But I-

- [Sarge] Enjoy your new roommate! (chuckles)

- [Grif] Ground rules: if there's a sock on the door,

do not come in.

- [Simmons] We don't have socks. or a door.

- [Grif] And I don't have an internet connection,

but we've all gotta find some way to masturbate,

now don't we?

(guitar strums)

- [Caboose] Sigh, groan, oh, woe is me.

Oh, I don't know what that even means.

- [Wash] Still standing in the corner, Caboose?

- [Caboose] Oh yeah, Yeah, I just,

yeah, I just miss Church sometimes.

- [Wash] I know you do, buddy.

He was your leader for a really long time.

- [Caboose] Yeah, I am just,

I, I'm just so lost without him!

I, I don't even recognize my own face!

- [Wash] Well, you don't have your old helmet anymore,

Caboose.

Also your helmet and face are not the same thing.

- [Caboose] Oh, god, that explains the blinking contest.

Why'd you have to tell me that?

Aghh, you just made it worse.

- [Wash] Look, Caboose.

I'm sure that somewhere out there,

Church is thinking about how much he misses you, too.

- [Caboose] You really think so?

- [Epsilon] Shut up. - [Caboose] We'll go on

adventures together,

while we ride bikes and solve crimes!

Just shut your mouth.

- [Epsilon] Shut up, shut up.

- [Caboose] And then we're gonna go to the fair.

- [Epsilon] CABOOSE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT THE FU-

And then we're gonna finger paint.

- [Wash] Yeah.

Why don't you go for a walk?

Take a little time to clear your head.

- [Caboose] Yeah.

Yeah, I just, yeah, I'll go on a walk by myself, I guess.

That won't be depressing at all.

Ohh, oh god.

I'm walking by myself now.

Ohhhhhh.

Ohhhhhh.

- [Wash] What am I gonna do with him?

I said sprints, Private Tucker!

- [Tucker] I'm going to spit in your next meal!

And it's not going to be spit,

if you know what I'm talking about!

(guitar strums)

- [Caboose] Depression, loneliness, confusion.

Slight indigestion.

Oh Church, ah, I miss you so much!

Who is supposed to be my best friend while you are gone?

Tucker, that guy isn't even a shade of blue!

It's like an aqua.

(metal clatters)

Hello?

Um, who's there?

Tucker is that you?

(eerie music)

Agent Washington?

Hello!

- [Echo] Hello!

- [Caboose] Oh, that was just me, that was stupid.

(yells) Have a nice day!

- [Echo] Thanks, you too!

- [Caboose] Well, I am a very pleasant person.

Okay, me, you can cut it out now.

This is getting a little silly.

(Caboose gasps)

Hello.

(guitar strums)

- [Wash] Tucker, in basic training,

there is a point when the drill sergeant

attempts to "break" his or her soldiers

so that they may overcome their civilian mindset

and focus on the responsibility and selflessness

of becoming a true soldier.

- [Tucker] Uh, bro, I went through basic ages ago!

True soldier, standing right here!

- [Wash] What is the UNSC motto?

- [Tucker] When in doubt, rub one out.

- [Wash] I am going to break you, Private Tucker.

- [Tucker] Ooh, I'm shaking in my armor.

- [Wash] Inside this tunnel is an elaborate

obstacle course designed to test both your reflexes

and your mettle.

- [Tucker] Uh, like copper?

- [Wash] No that's metal.

I said mettle.

- [Tucker] Whatever.

- [Wash] On your mark, get set...

- [Tucker] This is such-

(gun fires)

Shit, ow, okay, I'm going!

(upbeat music)

(gun fires)

Stupid fucking cones!

(barrier cracks)

Jesus Christ! (explosion)

(guns fire) Oh, God!

Where is this coming from?

Who are these people?

What the fuck is going on?

(Tucker pants) (buzzer blares)

- Congratulations, Private.

That time was adequate for a beginner.

- [Tucker] I, what was? (coughs)

I don't...

- [Wash] Just an adrenaline rush Tucker.

It'll wear off.

- [Tucker] I'm, I'm...

- [Wash] Shaking in your armor?

- [Caboose] Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, hello, hello!

- [Wash] Caboose, glad to see you're feeling better!

I've got a little exercise for you.

Inside this cave is an elaborate obstacle course,

designed to...

(explosion) (buzzer blares)

- [Caboose] Okay, that was fun!

Gotta go do stuff, don't ask questions!

Thank you, goodbye!

- [Wash] I think that's enough training for today.

- [Tucker] Yeah.

- [Wash] Uh, I'm gonna go work on the Comm Tower.

- [Tucker] Yeah.

(guitar strums)

- [Simmons] Hey roomie, uh you got a second for me?

- [Grif] Sup?

- [Simmons] Oh, you know, not much, not much

Uh, oh, so, question for you.

- [Grif] Uh huh?

- By any chance, have you seen my toothbrush?

- [Grif] Uh, I don't think so.

- [Simmons] Okay, okay.

Uh, you sure?

- [Grif] Yeah.

- [Simmons] Cause you know,

I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.

- [Grif] Dude, you're acting weird.

- [Simmons] Hm, what?

What do you mean?

- [Grif] I mean, clearly you're accusing me

of using your toothbrush,

but instead of just coming out and saying it,

you're being really passive aggressive

and tiptoeing around the accusation.

- [Simmons] Huh.

- [Grif] You did the same thing when I left the lights on.

And when I put my boots on your side of the room.

- [Simmons] Mm-hm.

- [Grif] And I feel like there's this constant

tension going between us,

that's inevitably going to erupt,

over what would normally be considered a small issue.

- [Simmons] Yeah, well, you know,

I wouldn't be asking you about my toothbrush

if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.

- [Grif] I used your toothbrush.

- [Simmons] You fuck!

- [Grif] Dude, what's wrong with you?

- [Simmons] What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you?

You keep stacking dishes in the sink.

I don't even think you've eaten off of some of them.

For all I know you're doing it because you're fucking bored.

- [Grif] Wait, isn't the sink just where dishes go?

- [Simmons] No, they go in the cupboard.

- [Grif] We have a cupboard?

- [Sarge] Hey, keep it down in there!

I'm trying to watch my stories!

- [Simmons] Sarge, please tear down the wall.

I can't take Grif's laziness in small spaces.

- [Sarge] I'm sorry, Simmons.

But we all have to make sacrifices.

Except for me because I'm in charge.

- [Grif] Hey, Simmons, probably isn't the best time

to say this, but, uh, we're out of toilet paper.

- [Simmons] What how?

- [Grif] I dunno.

(Wash clears throat)

- [Wash] I believe you borrowed my toolbox.

- [Simmons] What do you need a toolbox for?

- [Wash] Repairing the comm tower.

I know you three are having fun playing house,

but I'd really rather leave this place.

- [Sarge] Playing house?

Son, this is a highly-

Whoops, forgot to use the door!

- [Wash] The toolbox?

- [Grif] Upstairs.

- [Wash] Show me.

- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.

But don't touch any of my stuff.

- [Wash] Ugh, this place is a pig sty.

- [Grif] It's not a pig sty Wash, it's a way of life.

- [Simmons] Hey Sarge, didn't we recover

an old robot building kit from the crash?

- [Sarge] Sure did, makes a great footrest.

I like to prop my feet up while I'm watching my stories.

- [Simmons] Well, if we were to re purpose

the robot's radio transmitter for the Comm Tower,

we might be able to-

- [Sarge] Simmons, I'm gonna have to stop you

before your terrible plan becomes any more terrible.

- [Simmons] Oh.

- [Sarge] Fortunately, I believe we may be able

to use this robot kit to build some sort of robot!

We could put it to work constructing a radio transmitter

and then the Comm Tower would be fixed in no time!

- [Simmons] Well, don't you think it would be better if-

- [Sarge] Not at all, let's build a robot!

- [Simmons] I hate them.

- [Wash] Are those my socks?

- [Grif] Yeah, but you probably don't want those back.

- [Simmons] I hate all of them.

(guitar strums) (tool clicks)

- [Tucker] I'm just sayin'

I feel like somebody should have found us by now.

- [Wash] Hm.

- [Tucker] You know, it's like,

if a plane crashes and disappears,

that's fine, civilians, whatever.

- [Wash] Not sure if I agree with you on that.

- [Tucker] But this was a fucking spaceship.

That's like national tragedy level important.

- [Wash] It was a big ship.

- [Tucker] And what about GPS?

The galactic positioning system should have been able

to inform command of our location

within seconds of a Mayday.

- [Wash] How do you know that?

- [Tucker] Uh.

- [Spaceship Operator] And the galactic positioning system

would be able to inform command of our location

within seconds of a Mayday.

So even if the ship were to crash,

rescue would be practically immediate.

Isn't that rad?

- [Tucker] Cool, nerd stuff.

Hey, (indistinct) is it just me or is that blonde over there

checking me out?

- [Spaceship Operator] Who, the pilot?

- [Tucker] Yeah, she's definitely checkin' me out.

(rapid footsteps) - [Spaceship Operator] Wait!

You can't go over there.

- [Tucker] Hey baby, I hear you're a pilot.

Think you could pull up on my throttle?

Bow chicka bow wow.

(alarms blare)

I read it in a book.

- [Wash] I don't believe you.

Then again, I don't really care.

- [Tucker] Phew.

- [Wash] Hey.

- [Tucker] Oh-oh what? Nothing.

- [Wash] What happened to my soldering iron?

- [Tucker] Oh, uh, I don't know.

- [Wash] Dammit, this would be going so much faster

if I didn't have to keep tracking down equipment

every five minutes.

- [Tucker] What, you think the Reds took it?

- [Wash] Men, it appears our shitty fortifications

aren't meeting my ridiculous standards!

Let's steal Washington's tank and fire it at our walls!

That'll fix it.

Yes, I think the Reds took it.

- [Tucker] Man, why are you so wound up all the time?

- [Wash] Because every second we're here

is another second closer to death.

Or worse.

- [Tucker] What's worse than death?

- [Wash] I dunno.

I just thought it sounded dramatic.

- [Tucker] Come on, it's not that bad.

I mean if we were back in Blood Gulch,

we'd been doing the exact same shit, you know?

- [Wash] There's just something about this place.

I can't help but feel like we're being watched.

- [Tucker] Oh please.

People get that feeling all the time.

I had it for years.

- [Wash] But that's because you were being watched!

You were monitored by a secret organization

for every second of every day.

- [Tucker] Well, I don't feel like I'm being watched now.

- [Wash] Thank you, I feel much more secure.

- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.

- [Wash] Then don't be an idiot.

- [Tucker] The fuck is your problem?

- [Wash] My problem is that you're absolutely right.

Somebody should have found us by now.

Now where the Hell is that goddamn soldering iron?

(whistled music)

- [Caboose] Boy you're lucky I came by.

What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?

(something cracks)

Hey, no moving.

Have to get you out of here first.

Don't worry, we're gonna be best friends.

(guitar strums)

- [Simmons] You're an idiot.

- [Grif] Am I, Simmons?

Or am I just a man who's willing to ask the hard questions?

- [Simmons] You're definitely an idiot.

- [Sarge] You're both idiots.

Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.

- [Grif] Terminator, The Matrix, Battlestar Galactica,

everything points to robot domination of the human race!

- [Simmons] Well technically some Cylons

relied more on synthetic biology

and not conventional robotics,

but that was only in the series reboot.

And you know those are pretty rare.

- [Grif] Fine, then Wall-E.

It doesn't matter, I just think it's strange

that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords.

- [Simmons] I'm a cyborg, you wanna bow down to me?

- [Grif] Pass.

- [Simmons] Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.

- [Grif] You are the biggest fucking nerd.

You know that right, I mean you really know that?

- [Simmons] You must construct additional pylons.

Rrr-wrr-rrr.

- [Sarge] Well Optimus Prime's knuckle,

I think we're in business.

(electricity crackles)

Ladies, I would like to introduce you

to the newest addition to Red Team.

- [Simmons] Can it talk?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Simmons] You've got to be kidding!

- [Grif] Oh, come on!

- [Sarge] Huh, that is an unfortunate coincidence.

- [Grif] Spanish.

Why is it fucking Spanish?

Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] (chuckles) You know, it almost feels

like the good ol' days.

Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot,

and a couple of complete idiots.

- [Simmons] You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?

- [Grif] Thanks, dick head.

- [Sarge] Lopez Dos-Point-O, it's good to have you aboard.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Now get to work, slacker!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Comm tower, middle of the canyon, Repairo, los rapido.

- [Grif] It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Hm, he's not doing anything.

- [Grif] Maybe he's stupid.

- [Sarge] Robot, do you understand us?

Comprehende?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Simmons] Well, he knows what we're saying,

so I guess he's just stupid.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O.

Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.

- [Grif] Why, he's a moron?

- [Sarge] Yep, but maybe he'll end up

being like a Rainman-type moron.

We could get him one of those grey suits.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Simmons] (sighs) What a shame.

(crashing and rustling)

- [Caboose] It's alive, it's alive!

He's ali-

Aw, now it's dead.

(rustling continues)

No, it's alive again!

Oh, thank God that was close.

(soft thud)

(guitar strums)

- [Tucker] Ok, how about now?

(device clicks)

- [Wash] Nothing.

- [Tucker] Hold on.

(grass rustles)

Okay, try it again.

(device clicks)

- [Wash] Still nothing.

- [Tucker] Balls.

- [Wash] Hey, what exactly are you doing down there?

- [Tucker] Oh, you know, calibrating.

- [Wash] Calibrating.

- [Tucker] Yeah.

- [Wash] You haven't done anything, have you?

- [Tucker] Dude, I don't know what I'm doing,

or why you sent me down here.

- [Wash] Right.

Guess I should've expected that.

- [Tucker] Hey Wash, I think we've got a situation.

- [Wash] What kind of-

Oh.

- [Grif] Good to see you too.

- [Wash] What do you want?

- [Sarge] Figured it be a good idea

to come over and lend a hand.

- [Wash] No, that's a terrible idea.

Please don't touch anything.

- [Simmons] But we could provide tech support.

- [Sarge] Have you tried using any D batteries?

- [Wash] Power isn't our problem.

These battery arrays are solar.

- [Sarge] Well there's your problem.

This baby needs to be converted to diesel on the pronto!

- [Wash] Solar is field standard for communication systems.

- [Sarge] Well ooh-la-la, Private Hippy!

Hey, I got an idea;

why don't we just plant a garden in?

Grow some organic sun-dried tomatoes,

and open a farmer's market.

Then on the first Saturday of the month,

when the UNSC ships show up to buy

some fresh sustainable produce,

we just hop on board and ride back on the power of love!

- [Wash] Tucker, if they touch anything,

or if he makes any more suggestions,

prod them with your sword.

- [Tucker] Ha ha, now that's something I can get behind!

Bowchickaboww-

Wait, no, no no no no no!

- [Sarge] Fine, well I guess you don't want any help

from our incredibly advanced robotic companion.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Wash] Nope.

- [Grif] Racist.

- [Sarge] Hey tree-hugger, what if I told you

it runs on recycled cooking grease?

It's perfect.

Grif sweats the stuff.

- [Grif] What else was I supposed to drink

when we ran out of soda?

- [Simmons] There's always water.

- [Grif] Please, what are we, cave men?

- [Wash] I said no.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Tucker] Whoa, is that Lopez?

- [Simmons] Not exactly.

(whispers) This one isn't very smart.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Tucker] How can you tell?

- [Sarge] Oh, a mother knows.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Wash] Why don't you three go check on our food supply?

It's been a while since I've done a full inventory.

- [Simmons] You can't just shove your bitch work on us.

What do we look like?

- [Tucker] Uh, bitches.

- [Wash] Tucker, I want 100 squats.

- [Tucker] What, but it was leg day yesterday!

- [Wash] You are a space marine, Private.

Everyday is leg day.

- [Tucker] This is bull shit.

- [Grif] Ha, who's the bitch now?

- [Tucker] Your sister was my bitch if I remember correctly.

- [Grif] What did you say to me, bitch?

- [Wash] No one is a bitch.

Now both of you be quiet.

- [Grif] Simmons is kind of a bitch.

- [Simmons] Hey, what the fuck?

- [Sarge] Ah, can it Private Bitch.

- [Simmons] Yes, sir.

- [Grif And Tucker] Bitch.

- [Wash] I said be quiet.

(smacks device)

(device warbles)

- [Grif] Holy shit.

- [Wash] It's working.

I-I don't know what I did but it's working!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Lopez, you're ruining the moment.

- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday.

This is Agent Washington.

Can anybody read me, over?

- [Grif] Maybe they're screening our calls.

- [Simmons] What do you mean they?

Who is they?

- [Grif] I dunno, people who know us.

- [Simmons] What?

- [Grif] Look, I wouldn't pick up the phone

if any of you fuckers called me.

- [Wash] Mayday, mayday,

we are survivors of a shipwreck,

and are in need of immediate rescue, please respond.

- [Tucker] Don't call them back right away.

You gotta wait, or else you'll look desperate,

- [Simmons] But we are desperate.

- [Wash] Everyone shut up.

- [Grif] Whoa.

- [Wash] Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington

and the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer!

We are stranded, does anyone copy?

Mayday, this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.

Is anybody out there?

Can anybody hear me?

(radio static)

- [Voice] Is someone there?

- [Wash] Yes, yes, we're here, do you read us?

(radio static)

- [Voice] Is this a prank call?

- [Wash] No, no, no, this is real.

Please, you have to listen to me.

My men and I are shipwrecked.

- [Simmons] It's an emergency!

- [Grif] Black hawk down!

- [Sarge] Code red!

- [Voice] What, like a lightish red?

- [Tucker] What the fuck did he just say?

- [Voice] Cause I mean, red is a pretty broad spectrum.

There's scarlet, vermilion, like a deep burgundy.

- [Sarge] Donut, is that you?

- [Donut] Sarge?

Oh, hey guys.

What have you been up to?

- [Sarge] We're stranded in the middle of a jungle,

with dwindling food and limited supplies.

- [Donut] That sucks.

- [Grif] No shit, dickhead!

- [Sarge] Donut, I need you to listen to me.

You need to send help.

Call command.

- [Donut] Command?

I think I know a guy if you want to turn this call

into a three way.

- [Sarge] No, don't do that.

I need you to write down these coordinates.

- [Wash] Who is donut again?

- [Simmons] Cheery guy, pink armor.

- [Grif] Kind of stupid.

- [Tucker] And a little...

- [Wash] Wait, did I shoot him once?

- [Grif] Bingo.

- [Wash] Got it.

And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?

- [Donut] Sorry, did you say five or nine?

- [Sarge] I said eight.

- [Donut] Oh.

- [Wash] Right.

Okay, Donut, those are our last known coordinates,

but be sure to let the rescue team know

that we've got no clue where we actually landed.

- [Donut] Don't worry guys.

No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut

always finds his man.

- [Sarge] Roger that, son.

(radio static) - [Donut] What was that?

You're breaking up.

- [Wash] Just send help as fast as you can.

- [Donut] Okey-dokey.

(radio static)

- [Grif] So, what happened?

- [Sarge] Well boys, I don't want to jinx us

or anything like that but,

we're gonna be rescued!

(all cheer)

- [Simmons] I can't wait to eat a hot dog!

- [Wash] Guys.

- [Sarge] There's no possible way anything can go wrong!

Everything is going to be good forever!

(all shout and cheer)

- [Wash] Guys, it could still be a few days before they-

- [Sarge] : Lets eat all the food rations tonight

and then fire all of our excess ammunition

indiscriminately into the air to celebrate!

(all cheer) (guns fire)

- [Simmons] Then lets fix up that old Warthog

that's been hanging near our base!

(all cheer)

So that we can crush it into the other warthog

because fuck it!

(all cheer)

- [Wash] Listen, let's not get our hopes up just yet.

- [Tucker] Aw, come on, Wash, lighten up.

We did it, we made contact.

- [Wash] (sighs) Well, it is the first good news

that we'd had in a while.

- [Caboose] Hey everyone!

- [Wash] Caboose, where have you been?

- [Caboose] Yeah, I went on a walk like you said

and now, everything is gonna be good, forever!

- [Sarge] Told you so!

- [Wash] Wait, Caboose, you were miserable.

What happened?

- [Caboose] Oh, where are my manners?

I haven't even introduced him

- [Wash] Introduced who?

(upbeat music)

- [Caboose] Freckles, come! (whistles)

(heavy thuds)

Everyone, I would like you to meet Freckles.

Freckles, say hello.

- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.

- [Caboose] No, those aren't enemies, Freckles.

Those are Grif and Simmons, our enemy.

- [Freckles] Firing main cannons.

- [Caboose] No, bad Freckles, down!

- [Freckles] Yes, master.

- [Caboose] Bad Freckles.

So, what are you guys up to?

(Grif whimpers)

- [Wash] Mayday, Mayday, this is Agent Washington

and the red and blue troopers of Project Freelancer.

We are stranded, does anyone copy?

Mayday, this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.

Is anybody out there?

Can anybody hear me?

(birds chirp)

- [Tucker] So...

(gears whir)

Nevermind.

- [Wash] Caboose,

(gears whir)

Tell me again, where did you find this robot?

- [Caboose] His name is Freckles.

- [Tucker] That's a stupid name.

(gears whir)

Stupid cool, I mean, great name.

I mean, I wish that were my name.

Yeah, Freckles is the best name ever that there ever was.

- [Wash] Technically it's a Mantis Class

Military assault droid.

- [Tucker] Wait, why Mantis?

- [Wash] Well, you see those legs?

They kind of resemble the legs of a praying mantis.

- [Tucker] No, they don't.

- [Wash] Then maybe it's the head shape.

- [Caboose] Yeah maybe it's because

during the act of procreation

they rip off the head of their mate's body and devour it.

It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.

- [Wash] Ew, what?

- [Tucker] Eh, I've dated worse.

- [Caboose] Yeah, I call him Freckles

because of the spots on his nose.

- [Tucker] Well shit, I actually have to give it

to Caboose on this one.

Robot definitely looks more like a 'Freckles'

than a 'Mantis'.

- [Wash] Fine, where did you find Freckles?

- [Caboose] Well I was walking and I was sad

and I missed Church...

- [Tucker] This is the greatest story of our generation.

- [Wash] Quiet.

- [Caboose] And then I heard a noise..

- [Tucker] Seriously, it's like I was there.

- [Wash] Tucker!

- [Caboose] Yeah and then I saw the little guy

under like pieces of rock and space ship and body parts,

but I just moved those out of the way

and then there he was and now we're best friends forever!

Right Freckles?

- [Freckles] Affirmative, Caboose.

- [Tucker] Great, boy meets dog.

Dog turns out to be a military-grade killing machine

from a crashed spaceship.

- [Wash] Caboose, um, you know

a pet is a lot of responsibility.

- [Caboose] That is why I will water him

and I will feed him every day.

- [Tucker] Water and feed?

What the hell does this thing run?

- [Caboose] It runs on the power of the friendship

of our love!

- [Tucker] This is so fucked up.

- [Wash] Didn't you give birth

to a baby alien a few years back?

- [Tucker] Whoa, let's not bring family into this.

- [Caboose] So, what fun adventures

are we going to go on today, Freckles?

- [Tucker] I'm not doing shit.

We're getting rescued soon, remember?

- [Wash] Actually I think it would be smart

if we continued with our training routine.

- [Tucker] What, why, there's no point.

- [Wash] Training is an ongoing process, Tucker.

And as the leader of this team,

I want to make sure that we're ready for anything.

- [Tucker] This is fucking stupid.

Nothing has happened since we crashed here.

- [Wash] Well, you never know if someone

(voice distorts) or some thing will attack.

So stop complaining and start jogging.

- [Tucker] And where are you going?

- [Wash] I'm heading up to the ship.

Someone needs to do an inventory of our food supplies.

I prefer it be someone who can count.

- [Caboose] I only screwed up twice.

- [Wash] You screwed up once.

- [Caboose] Yeah, I don't see your point.

- [Tucker] So you're just gonna leave me with them?

- [Wash] Five laps gentlemen.

Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.

- [Tucker] Yeah, right.

- [Freckles] Disregarding a direct order

from a commanding officer is punishable by death.

- [Tucker] What, since when?

- [Freckles] Target locked.

- [Tucker] Goddammit, okay, I'm going.

- [Caboose] And who wants to go outside?

Who wants to go outside?

Who wants to go outside?

Freckles, you want to go outside?

Outside!

Who wants to go outside?

Do I want to go outside?

Why do I want to go outside?

Lets all go outside!

Oh my god we're here!

(soft music)

I'm really good at this game.

- [Sarge] Backstabbers.

- [Simmons] Hey asshole, would it kill you

to take out the trash for once?

- [Grif] Simmons, I've been thinking.

- [Simmons] I don't care, take out the fucking trash.

- [Grif] Why do we carry our guns?

- [Simmons] What?

- [Grif] Our guns, why do we carry them?

- [Simmons] Because we're soldiers.

- [Grif] Yeah, but we're not really fighting anybody,

are we?

- [Simmons] Well, yeah, but you never know

when we could be attacked.

- [Grif] Attacked by who?

The Blues?

- [Simmons] Um...

- [Grif] We haven't fought a single god damn enemy

since arriving in this canyon,

and yet here we are walking around in full body armor

with a rifle in our hands

like the fucking galaxy is about to attack us any second.

- [Simmons] What's your point?

- [Grif] My point is why don't we ever just walk around

without our guns?

Do it.

- [Simmons] What?

- [Grif] Drop your gun.

- [Simmons] No!

- [Grif] Why not?

- [Simmons] I don't want to.

- [Grif] You don't want to, or you can't?

- [Simmons] Um, um.

I'm going back inside.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Grif] And thus Dexter Grif single-handedly

avoids trash duty for a second day in a row.

Hoo-rah.

- [Sarge] Men, fall in, double time!

This is not a drill!

- [Grif] What the Hell?

- [Simmons] I knew there was a reason we were armed.

(guitar strums)

Sarge, what's wrong?

- [Sarge] What's wrong, what's wrong?

How 'bout scheming, training, conniving,

commiserating, colluding, take your pick!

Also, building a giant robot.

Those Blues are up to no-good!

- [Grif] And here I was thinking something important

was about to happen.

- [Simmons] But sir, didn't we build a robot first?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Lopez 2.0 doesn't count.

He's about as useful as a box full of Grifs.

- [Grif] Hey, I'm offended.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Men, I know we have considered the Blues

to be our quote "allies" unquote for some time now,

but we have to look at the facts.

- [Simmons] What facts?

- [Sarge] Number one: they now possess a tank on legs

that's capable of killing us all.

- [Simmons] Okay.

- [Sarge] And number two is that we didn't have

our own Number one first!

Clearly this is a conspiracy.

- [Grif] So what do you expect us to do about it?

- [Sarge] I need you boys to conduct some reconnaissance.

Secure intel, get deep in Charlie's bush.

Initiate Delta force, Tango and Cash!

- [Grif] Are these orders or 80's action movies?

- [Sarge] Find out exactly what those pesky Blues are up to.

- [Simmons] You mean go over there?

Near that monster?

- [Grif] See, this is exactly the robot overlord shit

I was talking about!

If only someone had listened!

- [Sarge] It'll be dangerous,

but I have confidence that at least one of you

will survive.

Simmons.

- [Grif] Why aren't you coming?

- [Sarge] We have a major breach in security!

One of the bags in my wall tore open

and now there's sand all over the place.

- [Grif] I can see how that might take priority.

- [Sarge] (sighs) It's likely

that we'll never fully recover.

There's just so many tiny crevices.

- [Simmons] Sarge, please, I don't wanna upset the Mantis!

- [Grif] What's a mantis?

- [Simmons] The giant robot.

- [Grif] Oh, why's it called that?

- [Simmons] I don't know, 'cause it's green.

That's not the point.

- [Sarge] Well that's not a very good reason

to call it a Mantis.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Whatever dum-dum.

Can't you see we're talking strategy!

- [Grif] Stupid new Lopez.

- [Simmons] Look the Blues are no more dangerous

than this idiot.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

But that robot could flatten us in an instant.

- [Sarge] You raise an excellent point Simmons.

- [Simmons] I do?

- [Sarge] Yep, so you better not get spotted

while you're out there.

- [Grif] (sighs) Let's just get this over with.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Simmons] But I'm telling you,

the Blues aren't up to anything.

(guitar strums)

(rapid footsteps)

- [Wash] All right, change of plans.

(birds chirp)

- [Caboose] No, Freckles, no, Freckles, go down.

Like this!

(gears whir)

Yes, that's a good Freckles!

Yes, yes. Tucker!

Tucker did you see that?

Freckles did a squat!

- [Tucker] Great, now teach him to fetch,

and then throw a stick off a cliff.

- [Caboose] Oh, he knows how to fetch.

Freckles, Freckles, get the ball!

- [Freckles] Acquiring target.

(gun fires)

- [Caboose] Uhm, see that,

that was just, that was just poor phrasing on my part.

Really, I mean I was just,

I think I was just grammatically...

It was grammatically incorrect.

So...

(guitar strums)

- [Grif] Alright, we made it!

- [Simmons] Yeah, so, uh, what do we do now?

- [Grif] I guess we just watch 'em?

- [Simmons] So this is a waste of time, right?

I mean, they're not actually plotting anything.

- [Grif] I don't know, man.

But watching two dudes exercise

is making me feel really weird.

- [Simmons] (sighs) This isn't getting us anywhere.

- [Grif] Well, why don't you just ask them

what they're up to?

- [Simmons] What, and blow our cover?

- [Grif] What do we look like, Seal Team Six?

Who gives a shit, dude?

You already said they're not up to anything.

- [Simmons] But what about the robot?

- [Grif] Oh yeah.

- [Simmons] See, we need to strategize.

- [Grif] Okay, fine.

How do we want to do this?

- [Simmons] Oh, we could do

like a sort of good cop/bad cop thing.

- [Grif] What if we act casual?

Like we're just shootin' the shit or something?

- [Simmons] Maybe if we go in guns blazing,

we can intimidate them into telling us what we want.

- [Grif] Wait, what do we want?

- [Simmons] I don't know.

(Simmons yelps) (guitar strums)

- [Tucker] What are you doing?

- [Simmons] All right, listen, Tucker.

I'm willing to hear you out, but my partner is crazy.

I can't hold him back.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Simmons] I mean, hey, what's up?

How's the weather?

No, wait, I mean, tell me what you know.

I'm sorry.

- [Grif] That's some solid detective work there,

Officer Simmons.

- [Tucker] Yeah, so if you guys could not watch us work out,

that'd be great.

Cause it's a little weird.

- [Grif] It's really weird.

- [Simmons] Sarge ordered us to come spy on you.

He thinks you're up to something.

- [Tucker] Dude, the only thing I've done today is exercise.

- [Grif] (sighs) You poor tortured soul.

- [Simmons] What are you training for?

- [Tucker] Fuck if I know.

Every day, it's the same thing.

Wake up, run drills, clean the base, run drills,

maintain order, run drills.

I have glamorous calves and a miserable fucking life!

Can we please stop running drills?

- [Grif] I had calves once,

way more tender than a regular cow.

You can taste the youth.

- [Simmons] Wash makes you clean the base?

- [Tucker] And our equipment, and our vehicles.

The guy's obsessed with rules and order!

- [Grif] Ew, could you imagine

having to deal with someone like that?

- [Simmons] Rules and order, ahh.

- [Tucker] I know, right?

He's even got an organizational chart.

(Simmons gasps)

- [Grif] (scoffs) What a loser.

- [Simmons] Uhh, yeah hmmm, well uh,

that all sounds very interesting, Tucker,

but I think I need to see this for myself.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Grif] What?

- [Simmons] You know, I just want to make sure

his story checks out, inspect the base,

stick around for a few days.

- [Grif] Checks out?

What are you going to find that we can't already see?

That thing is completely exposed.

It's empty.

It's cleaned out.

- [Simmons] (sighs) Clean.

- [Tucker] Are you sure you want to hang around?

Wash might make you run his obstacle course or something.

- [Grif] Yeah, Sarge made us do that too.

- [Sarge] On your mark, get set,

- [Grif] This is such bull-

(gun fires)

Ow, why?

- [Sarge] New record.

(buzzer blares)

- [Grif] Sometimes when I sneeze, buckshot comes out.

- [Simmons] Look, let me just hang out for a few days.

I'll be cool, I swear.

- [Grif] Don't lie to the man's face.

- [Tucker] Whatever dude.

Just remember, I warned you.

(grass rustles)

- [Simmons] Well, Grif, I guess this is goodbye.

- [Grif] Wait, how long are you planning on being gone?

- [Simmons] Until the job's done, I guess.

- [Grif] And you're sure you'd rather be near the Blues,

and their giant killer fucking robot,

instead of just coming back to base?

(floor rattles)

Hey, I think I broke the urinal in the laundry room.

- [Simmons] We don't have a urinal in the laundry room.

- [Grif] Oh.

(floor rattles)

- [Simmons] Yes, I'm sure.

- [Grif] Whatever your funeral.

Just remember, if a robot ever corners you,

just stick him with a magnet.

- [Simmons] Computers haven't been affected by magnets

since the 20th century!

- [Grif] which is exactly what they want you to think.

(grass crunches)

- [Simmons] (sighs) Finally, a place I can call home.

- [Caboose] Alright, Freckles, fetch!

(ball thumps)

- [Simmons] Hey Caboose, you dropped your ball.

- [Freckles] Acquiring target.

(explosion)

- [Simmons] Ah, what did I do?

- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, sorry, yeah,

we're still working on that one!

(guitar strums)

- [Grif] Hey, where's Sarge?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(rapid footsteps)

- [Sarge] Private Grif, I see you've returned

from your reconnaissance mission unscathed.

That's disappointing, unacceptable.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

So, what information have you recovered?

- [Grif] Uh, that the Blues aren't up to anything

and that you're a paranoid old man bordering on senility.

- [Sarge] Uh huh, I'll take that into consideration Private.

But how about we hear from our more competent soldier?

Simmons?

- [Grif] He's with the Blues.

- [Sarge] With the Blues?

- [Grif] Yeah, he seemed really eager

to stay at their base for some reason.

- [Sarge] Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.

- [Grif] A matter of time?

- [Sarge] Yep, I knew this day would come.

- [Grif] Really, you knew Simmons would eventually

wanna leave the Red Team?

- [Sarge] Leave Red Team?

Grif, are you even paying attention?

- [Grif] I mean, not really, I just, I...

- [Sarge] First they build a giant robot.

Then they capture my second in command.

It's just as I had predicted!

The enemy has finally shown its true colors!

And that color is pound 0000FF!

- [Grif] What?

- [Sarge] Blue, blue!

It's Red vs. Blue all over again!

- [Grif] No Sarge, they didn't capture...

- [Sarge] Can you believe it?

Posing as our allies only to stab us in the back

years after our conflict had seemingly ended!

They've pulled off the most elaborate ruse

in the history of simulated military combat.

- [Grif] I don't-

- [Sarge] I mean really!

How far back did they start planning this thing?

- [Grif] You're not listening.

- [Sarge] Like, did they know about all the Freelancers

from the beginning?

- [Grif] Sarge.

- [Sarge] And what about Church?

For years they told us he was a ghost,

but then he was an ancient artifact or something

and there were aliens involved I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder just how deep this rabbit hole goes.

- [Grif] Stop.

- [Sarge] It's almost like all of this

is some sort of sick game!

- [Grif] This conversation is starting to get a little meta.

- [Sarge] You're right.

You think he was in on it too?

- [Grif] I think you're jumping to conclusions.

- [Sarge] And I conclude you need to shut your mouth

and move your feet!

- [Grif] What are you gonna do?

- [Sarge] We are going to do

the Reds' signature Blood Gulch maneuver.

- [Grif] (sighs) Oh no.

(guitar strums)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Caboose] Okay Freckles, roll over!

(gears whir)

- [Freckles] Objective complete.

- [Tucker] That's cheating.

- [Simmons] Hey, Tucker!

- [Tucker] What?

- [Simmons] Do you have any idea when Wash is getting back?

I have some suggestions regarding the upkeep of Blue Base.

- [Tucker] I don't know, and I don't care.

- [Simmons] I've got two words for you buddy: chore wheel.

- [Tucker] And I've got two words for you:

how 'bout fuck off?

- [Simmons] Just think about it.

Wheel of chores.

- [Tucker] I hate my life.

- [Simmons] Tucker!

- [Tucker] You know what, I take it back.

I hate everyone else's life.

Wish they didn't have them.

Oh my God, am I turning into Church?

- [Wash] Why aren't you running drills?

- [Tucker] How do you know I didn't already finish them?

- [Wash] Because you're not on the ground

complaining about irritated nipples.

- [Tucker] I'm telling you,

my chest piece rubs right up against them.

And not in a good way.

- [Wash] Why do you refuse to take these things seriously?

- [Tucker] Why can't you just let us do our thing?

- [Wash] I'm trying to make sure you're the best,

that you're ready for anything.

- [Tucker] Why?

Blue Team was just fine with being mediocre

until you came along.

What the fuck are you worried about?

- [Wash] It's just a feeling.

I can't explain it.

- [Tucker] Really, 'cause I bet I can.

You're a paranoid ex special ops guy,

who's used to being betrayed on a weekly basis.

Not much of a riddle, Wash.

Hey next, do you want to figure out the mystery

of why Caboose isn't the team treasurer?

- [Wash] Oh, so we're going there.

- [Tucker] Oh, bitch, I already went there

and I took pictures.

- [Caboose] Ooooh girrrrl.

- [Wash] Well, I can't say I'm surprised, Lavernius.

You just always have to get the last laugh,

mister quick-witted, mister sarcastic.

If you spent as much time training as you do mouthing off,

you could probably beat Freckles at arm wrestling!

- [Tucker] Don't be stupid, Freckle doesn't have arms.

He has guns.

- [Caboose] And paws!

Freckles, shake.

(gears whir)

(loud thud)

Get it?

He shakes, it's awesome.

- [Wash And Tucker] Caboose!

- [Caboose] Yeah, we're still working on it.

- [Simmons] Oh, hey Wash.

I didn't know you were back.

- [Wash] What is, why is he here?

- [Simmons] I took the liberty

of claiming the bunk closest to you.

I hope you don't mind.

- [Wash] I don't have time to deal with you right now.

Go away.

- [Simmons] (chuckles) Good one, sir.

Oh, hey, by the way, is it cool if I start calling you sir?

- [Wash] Why is he still here?

- [Tucker] Beats me.

If I was him, I'd be as far away from this base as possible.

- [Simmons] You can call me Champ if you want.

Or you know, son.

- [Tucker] Just ignore him.

- [Simmons] Or sir, jr.

- [Wash] (voice distorted) As long as I'm the leader

of this team, I will do everything in my power

to ensure your safety, whether you like it or not.

- [Tucker] We don't need you protecting us.

- [Wash] I know, that's why I'm trying to help you.

- [Tucker] Help us with what?

Defending against attack?

No one is going to attack us.

(Warthog engine roars)

- [Sarge] Attack!

- [Tucker] Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me.

- [Sarge] Dammit Grif, you forgot our theme music.

- [Grif] Oh, right.

(upbeat music)

- [Sarge] Ah forget it moment's passed.

- [Freckles] Enemy soldiers detected.

- [Caboose] Uh, good Freckles, no murdering everyone.

(heavy thumps)

- [Grif] Uh, I would just like to take this opportunity

to point out, that this was not my idea.

Whatsoever, at all.

- [Tucker] You have literally the worst timing.

- [Sarge] Stow it, thin mint.

We're no longer fraternizing with the enemy.

- [Tucker] Thin mint?

- [Grif] Now see, when he says "we,"

imagine he's only referring to himself.

Do not group us together.

- [Tucker] Bitch, my armor's aqua, I think.

- [Wash] What the hell are you two doing?

- [Grif] Again, not two, just him.

I can't stress this enough.

- [Sarge] You made me believe that Reds and Blues

can coexist, and we can work together as one people,

and that we can all get together and be a little purple.

- [Wash] We can!

We are, seriously, what the fuck is this about?

- [Sarge] You kidnapped one of my men!

- [Tucker] Who, me?

- [Tucker] He wasn't kidnapped, dipshit.

He came over here by himself.

We can't get him to leave.

- [Sarge] Is this true, Simmons?

- [Tucker] It's not your fault, sir.

It's Grif's.

- [Grif] what did I do?

- [Tucker] You're fucking disgusting, Grif!

- [Grif] Well, yeah, but I've always been like that.

Sarge was the one that decided

to take half the base for himself.

- [Simmons] Oh, then I guess it is your fault, sir.

- [Sarge] Then that makes you a traitor!

- [Simmons] What?

- [Freckles] Threat level increased.

- [Caboose] Uh, yeah, no reason for panic.

Everything's fine.

Might anyone have a rolled up newspaper at the ready?

- [Sarge] You weren't kidnapped!

You deliberately joined the enemy!

- [Tucker] But if he wasn't kidnapped,

that would mean we were never the enemy in the first place.

- [Sarge] Don't try to confuse me with your words, shamrock!

- [Tucker] I'm aqua!

- [Wash] Tucker, calm down.

- [Tucker] Me?

These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep

and you choose to yell at me?

- [Wash] Look, tensions are high.

- [Tucker] No shit, Washington.

I'm tired of you bossing us around!

- [Wash] Now is not the time.

- [Tucker] You know, I disagree.

We were having a talk when Tweedledee

and Tweedle-fucking-idiot decided to interrupt,

so let's finish this.

- [Wash] There's nothing to finish.

- [Grif] Are we intruding on some sort

of lovers' quarrel right now?

- [Tucker] You are the worst thing to happen

to this team since blue boy over there decided to show up.

- [Caboose] I'm a man, blue man!

- [Simmons] You take that back.

Wash is a great leader, I assume.

- [Sarge] Blasphemy!

- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.

- [Tucker] Seriously, I would rather follow Caboose

into battle than you.

- [Wash] Oh really?

Then let's just make him the leader.

See how much better off you are.

- [Caboose] Well, I humbly accept your nomination

and accept the position.

- [Wash And Tucker] Shut up.

- [Freckles] Do not talk back to your commanding officer.

- [Tucker] Wash and I are having an argument.

I will be talking back to him.

That's how arguments work, you fucking toaster.

- [Freckles] Washington is not the commanding officer.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Wash] What?

- [Freckles] In a unanimous decision by the Blue Team,

Caboose has been promoted to Blue leader.

Captain Caboose is now your commanding officer.

Do not talk back to your commanding officer.

- [Grif] Oh, fuck.

- [Caboose] Well, yep, this is gonna be a lot of fun.

- [Wash] No, Caboose, you can't-

(gears whir)

Look, Freckles, this is a misunderstanding.

- [Simmons] Caboose is team leader?

Fuck this.

- [Caboose] Aw, don't worry, Simmons.

As my first duty as leader

in the position of the nomination,

I say you can be on Blue Team forever!

- [Simmons] No thanks, I'm good.

- [Freckles] Private Simmons.

- [Simmons] Oh no.

- [Freckles] Deserting your post will designate you as AWOL.

This designation is punishable by death.

- [Simmons] What?

- [Grif] Uh, hey Sarge?

Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.

- [Sarge] Then it's war!

- [Wash] Wait, stop.

- [Sarge] Say hello to robot Satan, you mechanical son of a-

(gun fires)

- [Grif] Bail!

(explosion)

- [Tucker] Whoa!

- [Simmons] Sarge!

- [Caboose] Freckles, bad, bad, no!

- [Freckles] Primary threat eliminated.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Simmons] Sarge, are you okay?

- [Sarge] No, Simmons, I'm afraid I won't be okay.

Until I exact my revenge!

- [Grif] Seriously, I am not affiliated with this lunatic.

He does not speak for me.

(Sarge roars)

- [Freckles] Engaging target.

- [Caboose] Freckles, no!

- [Wash] Sarge, don't!

(gun fires)

(acoustic guitar music)

- [Donut] Man, you guys are really noisy.

(all shout)

Aw, you must have really missed me.

- [Grif] Donut, thank God you're here.

- [Sarge] We were just about ready to kill each other.

- [Tucker] Speak for yourself.

- [Wash] Where's the ship.

- [Donut] What ship?

- [Wash] The ship you came here on.

The rescue team.

- [Donut] Oh (chuckles) duh!

Allow me to introduce: the rescue team!

- [Doc] Sup.

- [Simmons] Doc?

- [Wash] Wait, what is this?

- [Doc] Donut told me you guys needed help.

- [Donut] So I got the best help money could buy!

- [Doc] You didn't pay me.

- [Donut] And I didn't tip the pilot!

That's frugality.

- [Sarge] What pilot?

- [Donut] The pilot that dropped us off, dummy.

- [Tucker] "Dropped you off"?

- [Grif] As in, he's not here anymore?

- [Donut] Exactly.

- [Wash] So you're telling me

that you heard our distress signal,

grabbed Doc, hopped on a ship,

and told the ship to leave,

and that's your idea of sending help?

- [Donut] What, no!

I brought Lopez, too!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Kill him!

(all shout)

- [Donut] Someone get this maniac turquoise guy

away from me!

- [Tucker] I'm aqua!

(suspenseful music)

- [Locus] Unfortunate.

(guitar strums)

- [Tucker] This is it.

This is rock bottom.

You ever hit rock bottom before, Wash?

Well, you have now.

Cause this is it.

Can't get any lower.

- [Simmons] I wanna go home.

- [Tucker] Okay well maybe I spoke too soon.

- [Freckles] Attention, officer on deck.

- [Caboose] Yes, yes, hello, thank you yes, hello.

Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you.

(clears throat) Hello.

- [Freckles] Captain, all team members are accounted for.

- [Caboose] Well, excellent news,

Assistant Captain Freckles.

- [Tucker] Oh, my lord.

- [Caboose] Hi, it looks like we have a new member today.

Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello.

Yes, welcome to Blue Team, Simmons. (claps)

- [Simmons] Can I leave?

- [Caboose] It is good to have you on board

today for the Blue Team.

(gears whir)

- [Freckles] Sir. Awaiting mission briefing.

- [Caboose] Oh, yes, right, oh God, right yes.

Um okay uh, yes, first order of business is um,

uh, Wash, psst, Wa- Wash, Washington, Washing- Washington,

Wash, Wash, Wash, Wash-

- [Wash] Yes, Caboose?

- [Caboose] What is the first order of business?

- [Wash] We are trying to get rescued.

- [Caboose] Oh, yes, rescued!

Yes excellent, does anyone have any suggestions?

- [Wash] (sighs) Well, we know the communications tower

works, so we should continue in our efforts to make contact.

- [Caboose] Ah, yes, very good, excellent yes.

- [Wash] However, we should also work

on trying to boost the signal of the radio transmitter.

We were barely able to maintain

a steady line of communication last time.

Even if we make contact again there's no guarantee

anyone would be able to understand us.

- [Caboose] Ah, yes, uh- right, yes.

Yes, then we need to do that!

Tucker, go fix the radio thing!

- [Tucker] Me, why not Wash?

He's the one who built it.

- [Caboose] Tucker, because don't ruin this, alright listen.

We're gonna keep Wash here for another job.

- [Wash] But Caboose-

(gears whir)

- [Caboose] Yeah, I'm thinking that you know,

uh, Washington is mean and scary,

he will be our look out.

- [Tucker] Look out?

- [Caboose] Yes, Washington, make sure

you look out for bad guys!

And anything that looks scary.

- [Wash] There's a giant robot trying to kill me.

- [Tucker] Yeah, why can't Freckles be our lookout?

Killing stuff is like, his entire reason for existing.

- [Caboose] Well um, every great leader

needs a great best friend,

and Freckles, I think you could be that best friend.

(gears whir)

- [Freckles] Acknowledged.

- [Simmons] Um, do I need to do anything?

- [Caboose] Oh my God, a Red.

Oh my, oh no sorry, sorry it's my bad.

Sorry, sorry, yes Simmons, yes Simmons

we got- we have to talk about it.

Yes, um, Simmons you do what you, ah, normally do

for the Reds, but instead for the Blues.

- [Simmons] Uh, yes sir.

- [Tucker] Wait, what is your job for the Reds?

- [Simmons] What do you mean?

I just did it.

- [Caboose] Okay, everybody.

Aaaaand Team!

Alright see you, bye.

(metal rattles)

- [Wash] I hope you're happy.

- [Tucker] Hey, don't pin this shit on me.

- [Simmons] I'll just stay here, I guess.

(guitar strums)

- [Doc] Alright, you're all patched up.

- [Donut] I can't feel my toes.

Is that normal?

- [Doc] Let's go with yes.

- [Donut] Works for me.

- [Doc] You know, the next time someone comes to help you,

I wouldn't really recommend beating the crap out of them.

- [Grif] Well, the next time somebody comes to help us,

I hope they actually bring us help.

- [Doc] Hey, I take offense to that.

- [Grif] Yeah, it's called an insult.

- [Doc] Oh.

- [Donut] So what the heck happened?

After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla,

you guys were supposed to be going back to Blood Gulch.

- [Grif] Well, funny story.

(electricity sizzles)

- [Crewman] Oh my God, who spilled soda

all over my instruments?

- [Grif] Oh my God, I spilled my soda?

(alarms blare)

Somehow, the ship crashed,

but no one seems to know why or how or when or-

- [Sarge] Men!

- [Grif] I didn't do it, you can't prove that I did!

- [Sarge] It's time we took action.

- [Doc] Oh, we're not gonna do anything violent, are we?

Remember I'm a pacifist.

- [Sarge] Yeah, but think about it:

can't spell pacifist without fist.

Which you need to throw a punch.

That always leads to fighting,

the precursor to a full-out battle.

Which is ultimately the first step

on the inevitable road to war!

Violence is unavoidable, Doc.

Time to just admit

you've got a natural-born pacifist lust for murder!

- [Doc] (sighs) Why do I even bother?

- [Donut] Oh, come on, Doc.

Where's your sense of adventure?

We're a bunch of strapping young men

stranded in the wilderness.

If that doesn't sound like a good time,

I don't know what does.

- [Grif] I'm starting to remember why I don't like you.

- [Donut] It's just like camping.

Who wants to help me pitch a tent?

- [Grif] Yup, there it is.

- [Sarge] Since landing in this God-forsaken hellhole,

we've let Washington make all the decisions.

And just look where that's gotten us:

the Warthog is destroyed;

we're running low on food;

and Simmons is being held prisoner.

- [Grif] Shit's pretty fucked.

- [Sarge] It's high time we took matters into our own hands!

Red hands.

The days of standing idly by,

while the Blues do interesting and convoluted things

are over!

- [Donut] All right, it's our time to shine.

Can I get a heck yeah?

- [Sarge] Hell no.

- [Donut] Close enough.

- [Sarge] What I'm about to propose to you gentlemen,

is in no way simple, smart, or seemingly possible.

- [Grif] Solid pep talk so far, Sarge.

- [Sarge] There's one thing in this canyon

that's been the source of all our problems.

If we want to get out of here alive,

we're going to have to eliminate it.

Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.

- [Doc] We don't know who that is.

We just got here.

- [Sarge] The robot.

- [Donut] You mean Lopez?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Grif] No, the giant robot that belongs to Caboose.

AKA the thing that will fucking kill us

if we get anywhere near it.

So exactly how do you plan on "eliminating" it, Sarge?

- [Sarge] Well if our ship was carrying

something as big as Freckles,

I figure it may have also been carrying

something big enough to break him.

- [Grif] We're going aboard the ship?

- [Sarge] We'll move in tonight.

Donut, you guard the base while we're gone.

- [Donut] Awesome.

- [Wash] Hey, you guys haven't seen

anything suspicious around, have you?

- [Sarge] Suspicious?

Why whatever do you mean, Agent Washington?

- [Wash] Nothing, just doing my job.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Grif] Nice save, Sarge, very convincing.

- [Sarge] (chuckles) Thank you.

(wind whooshes)

- [Pilot] Hey can I get some fuel on three?

- [Voice] You got it.

- [Pilot] Thanks.

Hey uh, I'm not really from around here,

but uh, do you know about that crashed spaceship?

- [Voice] Spaceship?

- [Pilot] Yeah, I just dropped off a couple of guys

who saw it in the middle of a canyon.

It's big.

Like, really big.

- [Voice] No, I can't say I've heard of it.

- [Pilot] Really?

Oh man.

I mean, someone should report that, right?

- [Voice] Well, that's up to you.

- [Pilot] Yeah, it was pretty bad.

You got a phone I could use?

- [Voice] Sure, right behind you.

- [Pilot] Thanks.

(gun fires)

(guitar strums)

- [Locus] Just so you're aware,

no-one's gonna find your ship either.

(gun fires)

(guitar strums)

Control, this is Locus.

Objective complete.

Returning to Crash Site Bravo.

(birds chirp)

- [Tucker] This blows.

I don't know the first thing

about fixing intergalactic space radios.

- [Simmons] Uh huh.

- [Tucker] Every movie that I've ever seen

with a repairman on it always glosses over

the actual repairing part.

It's just, "Hey lady, I'm here to lay some pipe"

and then bam, two scoops of raisin!

- [Simmons] Uh huh.

- [Tucker] Dammit woman!

If you let the man do his job,

then maybe we would not be in this mess.

- [Simmons] Hey Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?

- [Tucker] It's a gravity lift.

You step on it and it takes you upstairs.

- [Simmons] I know that.

What the fuck is it doing here?

- [Tucker] It's glowing and goes (hums).

- [Simmons] So, let me get this straight.

We're survivors of a shipwreck,

living off of the bare necessities,

and in the middle of the room

is this incredible feat of modern-day technology.

- [Tucker] I dunno, Wash found it on the ship

and so we put it on the base.

What's so weird about that?

- [Simmons] It's like finding a car made out of rocks,

plastic and a Bluetooth radio.

- [Tucker] Oh, we got that too.

Siri, play song dance theme.

(Siri chimes)

- [Siri] Did you mean bomb, Andy?

- [Tucker] Aw, piece of shit.

- [Siri] Calling bomb, Andy.

- [Simmons] How are you able to power all of this?

- [Tucker] We're hooked up to the ship.

- [Simmons] You mean you have a direct line

to a limitless power supply?

- [Tucker] Well, no, we'll definitely

run out of fuel eventually.

Just not anytime soon, so who cares?

Take as much as you want.

- [Simmons] God bless the American way.

- [Tucker] What are you gonna do?

- [Simmons] Just a side project.

(lift whooshes)

- [Wash] Hey, Caboose.

I've secured the perimeter.

No bad guys to be found.

- [Caboose] Excellent work Commander Washington,

I admire your determination!

Why, maybe someday you could be the leader of Blue team!

- [Wash] Yes, maybe someday.

- [Caboose] Now, I have a very important question

for you Washington!

- [Wash] Okay.

- [Caboose] Um, d'ya think Freckles would look silly

in a hat?

Possibly a sombrero?

- [Wash] You want to dress your pet up in people clothes?

- [Caboose] To boost the moral of the troops!

- [Wash] You know, I just remembered

I haven't checked for any bad guys on the ship.

- [Caboose] What?

Washington, what are you even doing here?

There could be bad guys plotting against us right now!

- [Wash] You're right, sorry boss.

I'll take care of it right away.

- [Caboose] Ya'know some people are just not cut out

for military life Freckles.

Now let's go make you that tiny hat.

- [Tucker] Thanks Wash, really looking out for your team.

(device beeps)

- [Andy] Hey, you've reached the voicemail

of "Andy the Bomb."

- [Tucker] Siri, hang up.

(guitar strums)

- [Felix] Holy shit.

It's actually them.

(twig snaps)

Oh no.

(guitar strums)

- [Doc] Ya know, for a shipwreck,

this place actually looks pretty nice.

- [Grif] You should see the other half.

- [Doc] Why, is it bad?

- [Grif] We don't know, it landed somewhere else.

- [Doc] Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Hey, did you guys ever watch Lost?

- [Sarge And Grif] Shut up!

- [Sarge] Alright, men.

Fan out and see what you can find.

Remember we're hunting the most dangerous prey of them all.

- [Doc] Man?

- [Sarge] What?

No, giant robot.

- [Doc] Oh yeah.

- [Sarge] Pfft Man.

Everything kills man.

Man's way down on the list.

Right between Koala and retarded Koala.

- [Grif] Yeah, man sucks.

(metal rattles)

- [Grif] Hm.

(weapon fires)

What the fuck?

(device beeps)

Huh.

(device beeps)

- [Doc] Hm.

(shot pings)

Ow!

- Boosh, headshot!

- [Doc] Grif, what the heck, man?

- [Grif] Ah, don't be a bitch.

- [Doc] What is this?

- [Grif] Beats me.

Wanna try?

There's a whole bunch in the corner.

- [Doc] I'm not sure, you know how I feel about firearms.

- [Grif] Come on, they don't do anything.

They just stick.

- [Doc] Let me think about it.

(device beeps)

Okay.

- [Sarge] Hey, this ain't a tea party, numb-skulls!

Get ridda' those toys a get back to work.

- [Grif] Fine.

- [Doc] Aw, man.

- [Sarge] And take that stupid thing of you head.

- [Doc] Okay.

(device clatters)

I never get to do anything cool.

(explosion)

- [Sarge] You'd better not be breaking things down there!

(guitar strums)

- [Doc] Hm, according to the ship's records,

it was carrying a lot of standard issue weaponry,

but it also has a bunch of stuff listed as experimental.

- [Grif] Oh, that's military slang

for really fucking dangerous.

Where's that stuff?

- [Doc] Uh, it looks like most of it

was on the other half of the ship.

- [Grif] Boo.

- [Doc] But there is one prototype that was kept here.

- [Grif] Yes!

(gears whir)

The fuck are these?

- [Doc] Looks like some kind of weird grenade.

Or it could be a Rubix cube, I dunno.

- [Grif] Huh.

- [Doc] Ahh, what are you doing?

- [Grif] Trying it out.

(device sizzles then whooshes)

Whoa!

- [Doc] You could have killed us.

- [Grif] Did you see that?

- [Doc] You can't just go around messing with experimental-

Stop doing that!

(device crackles then whooshes)

- [Grif] Dude!

- [Doc] What is wrong with you?

- [Grif] These things are like teleporter cubes.

- [Doc] Be careful.

We don't know how they work.

- [Grif] Waddya mean?

Throw it at a thing, thing disappears.

Throw another one, thing reappears.

I could keep an entire buffet in the palm of my hand !

- [Doc] Really?

That's what you're excited about?

- [Sarge] Men, upstairs, now!

- [Doc] Coming!

(rapid footsteps)

- [Grif] Oh, I am taking these.

(guitar strums)

- [Doc] Sarge, you'll never guess what we found.

- [Sarge] Son, you could've found

a laser-guided napalm shark.

And I still wouldn't care.

- [Doc] What?

- [Sarge] Ya know that feelin' you get

when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school?

You're not quite sure what to do,

but your instincts just take over and you smile at her.

And she smiles back.

And suddenly the world's a brand new place.

And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls?

- [Doc] Um, yeah?

- [Sarge] Well boys, I got that feeling right now.

(dramatic music) - [Grif] Holy shit.

- [Sarge] Except imagine that pretty girl at school

is armor plated with a titanium poly-alloy

and outfitted with fifty millimeter canons

and ammo for days!

- [Doc] Sounds pretty high maintenance.

- [Grif] She sounds like I need a safe word to date her.

- [Sarge] Oh yeah.

- [Doc] So how do we get it out of the ship?

- [Grif] Uh, teleportation cubes, anyone?

- [Sarge] No, a girl this fine's gotta be treated right.

Whiled up and whatnot.

We'll take her apart and move her ourselves limb by limb.

Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.

- [Doc] Yeah, I think your dating metaphor

kind of took a turn

into serial killer territory there, Sarge.

- [Grif] Seriously, I just found these awesome future cubes.

It's destiny.

(metal clatters)

- [Sarge] What was that?

(metal rattles)

- [Doc] Agent Washington?

- [Grif] What the hell is he doing here?

- [Sarge] Doesn't matter.

Let's just dismember this beautiful lady,

pack her up, and take her back to our lair.

I mean base.

- [Grif] Could you please stop

referring to the robot as a woman?

It's really weird.

- [Sarge] Not as weird as the throbbin' erection

she's givin' me.

- [Grif] Jesus Christ.

(tools clatter and whir)

(soft music)

- [Wash] Hmm, needs a conductor.

(crate rattles)

Stupid thing, just open.

(gun fires)

There we go.

(rapid footsteps)

(sighs) Never thought it'd come down to this.

Sorry, Caboose.

(tool hisses)

(guitar strums)

What is all this?

- [Simmons] It's the future.

- [Tucker] Where the hell have you been?

- [Wash] I've been doing what I can to keep us alive.

- [Tucker] Oh really?

Then where were you when Freckles tried to kill me

for calling his tiny hat stupid?

- [Wash] I thought you didn't need me

protecting you, Tucker.

- [Simmons] Hey, guys, I'm trying to revolutionize

the world of inter-canyon communication.

So if you could keep it down that'd be great!

- [Wash] What is he talking about?

- [Simmons] I'm talking about the internet.

(computer trills)

- [Computer] Welcome!

- [Tucker] Oh my God, everybody leave.

Everybody leave right now.

There is something I gotta do.

- [Wash] The internet?

- [Tucker] Seriously, you're gonna see some shit

if you don't leave.

- [Simmons] Well, it's not actually the internet,

the only two points of communication are Red and Blue base.

- [Tucker] Why would you lie to us like that?

- [Wash] You put one of these at Red Base, too?

- Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles,

but it was totally worth it.

- [Tucker] Why?

- [Simmons] Behold!

- [Tucker] Basebook?

- [Simmons] Yep, it's a site that lets you upload pictures,

videos and even text posts

so that your friends always know what you're up to.

It's revolutionary!

- [Wash] Revolutionary?

The first social media sites were created

hundreds of years ago.

- [Tucker] Also, there are no friends in this canyon.

Only forced acquaintances.

- [Simmons] Yeah, but those old sites

just turned into conglomerations of attention whores.

Nothing but teenagers who wanted to prove they were cool

and old people who wanted to prove they were still relevant.

- [Tucker] So what's the point of Basebook?

- [Simmons] Oh, you know,

just want to keep in touch with my friends on the red team

While I'm your prisoner.

Can't let them forget about old Simmons.

(Simmons laughs then sobs)

- [Wash] Glad to see you spent your time

in captivity on something meaningful.

- [Tucker] So you made it, what now?

- [Simmons] I'm glad you asked.

Let's see what Sarge is up to.

Uh-huh, hasn't set up his profile yet.

Well, that's cool.

We'll just wait for an update.

Yeah, I'm sure it'll come eventually.

He's got to have an update.

(laughs) Updates.

- [Wash] You know, maybe you should go outside

for a bit, Simmons.

I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind if you got some fresh air.

- [Simmons] No no, it's all good, really.

I'll just save Sarge some time and make a profile for him!

Yeah, that'll be fun.

I'll do a post about it, too.

Y'know, just so he knows.

- [Tucker] Hope you like the new Blue team, Wash.

Really worked your magic.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Caboose] 'Kay, okay, don't move!

I gotta get my camera!

- [Freckles] Holding position.

- [Caboose] Oh my god this is gonna be so cute!

- [Simmons] Hey, Wash.

Could you take a picture and then tag me in it?

'Cause if I do it myself

I'll just look like one of those losers.

(Wash sighs)

(guitar strums)

(metal clangs)

- [Donut] All right, spread 'em!

- [Doc] Hey, Donut.

- [Donut] Oh, it's you guys.

What took you so long?

- [Doc] It's not exactly easy transporting several tons

of robot in a timely manner.

I think Grif even dropped a bunch of pieces along the way.

- [Grif] There's a difference between dropping

and abandoning.

- [Sarge] What?

Droppin' pieces!

Grif, if I find that a single screw is missing

from this death machine,

I'm gonna beat the living pulp out of you

and then drink the remaining orange juice!

'Cause I like my dead men pulp free.

And with extra calcium, if available.

- [Grif] What if I lost multiple screws,

or several feet of armor plating?

- [Donut] Giant robot fight here we come!

This is gonna be awesome!

Fighting fire with fire, good idea, Sarge.

- [Grif] I still say we just trap Freckles

in a future cube.

- [Doc] You actually took one of those with you?

- [Grif] Technically, yes.

(cube whooshes)

But actually, no.

It's a cube that makes more cubes.

- [Grif] No, they teleport stuff.

Watch this.

Fucking cone, what did you ever do for me?

(cube whooshes)

- [Donut] Whoa.

- [Grif] Nah, I'm just kidding, cone.

You can come back.

(cube whooshes)

- [Donut] They're like Poké Balls!

- [Grif] No, these are cool.

Do not ruin them for me.

- [Donut] Or maybe they send stuff to the phantom zone.

You know, like in that bad Superman movie.

- [Doc] You mean Superman 2 or Man of Steel?

- [Donut] No the eleventh remake.

Superman Origins 3: Revelations!

- [Doc] Oh, yeah, that one's awesome.

- [Grif] Sarge, look.

Let's just send Donut to Blue base with one of the cubes.

He throws it at Freckles.

Freckles gets zapped.

And then we just throw the cubes in a volcano or something.

- [Donut] Why do I have to do it?

- [Grif] In case it doesn't work.

I want to be alive.

- [Donut] Makes sense.

- [Doc] But we still don't even know

how the teleportation cubes work.

What if they're extremely radioactive,

or what if they only work on inanimate objects?

- [Grif] Robots are objects.

- [Sarge] Hey, you're gonna hurt some feelings here.

Don't ever talk like that in front of my robot.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Nobody's talking to you, idiot.

- [Doc] I just think we should run some tests first.

- [Grif] But tests are hard.

- [Sarge] Well if it keeps you morons away from me

so I can work, I say go for it.

- [Grif] Seriously?

- [Sarge] You can either test the cubes

or you can test this thing's primary defense systems.

- [Grif] What do I have to do for that?

- [Sarge] Just stand still and wait

for the sweet embrace of death.

- [Grif] Okay, yeah, I'm leaving now.

- [Donut] Ooh, I'm gonna update my Basebook page about this.

- [Doc] Your what?

- [Donut] Oh, Doc, you're gonna love it.

You should see the photo Caboose just uploaded.

It's hilarious!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Felix] Psst, hey!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- Yeah, you, brown guy, over here.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Felix] Hey, don't move, just listen.

You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Felix] I'm gonna get you guys out of here, okay.

But listen, you gotta sit tight

for just a little while longer.

I'm not the only one that has their eyes on you.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Felix] I gotta go.

Look, I know you people can fend for yourselves.

Just be careful.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Hm, you talkin' to me?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Dos point oh, why don't you quit your yappin'

and make yourself useful.

Can't you see I'm tryin' to build your replacement?

I mean, um, I'm trying' to build your,

well, yeah, he's pretty much your replacement.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(guitar strums)

- [Donut] Pretty neat, huh?

- [Doc] So, who uses this?

- [Donut] Mainly just Simmons and Caboose.

Oh, wait, it looks like Sarge has a profile now.

Like.

- [Doc] And you just talk about yourself?

- [Donut] You can post pictures and stuff too.

I've been downloading this picture of Freckles for a while.

(computer beeps)

- [Doc] How long has that been going for?

- [Donut] Eh, just a few hours.

- [Doc] You spent hours of our limited energy

just downloading a single picture?

- [Donut] It is a very high quality picture.

(computer beeps)

- [Doc] Well, you can't argue with that.

So is this all you did while we were out last night?

- [Donut] Nope!

I cleaned this base from top to bottom.

It was the least I can do to make it more presentable.

I did the dishes, swept the sand off the floor...

- [Doc] Wow, did you clean Grif's room?

- [Donut] Grif has a room?

- [Doc] Well he, and Simmons share that side of the base,

but Grif's stuff overflowed onto the roof.

- [Donut] Oh, let me take a peek.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Doc] Oh my gosh, if this post gets over 10,000 likes,

Basebook will pay for a rescue team to come save us.

(Donut screams)

I know it sounds too good to be true.

(upbeat music)

- [Donut] Dexter Grif!

- [Grif] Huh?

- [Donut] I can't live in this base

with the way you've been treating it!

The layout is all wrong, the color palette is atrocious,

and the garden doesn't even have flowers in it,

just vegetables.

Also, I think someone tried to plant candy corn

at some point!

- [Grif] (clears throat) I wonder who did that.

- [Doc] How's the testing going?

- [Grif] Well, Doc, after countless experiments

I determined that the teleportation cubes

are still fucking awesome.

All other data has been inconclusive.

- [Doc] Grif, I really think

we shouldn't be messing with these.

They could be dangerous.

We can't just keep throwing them around all Willy nilly.

- [Donut] Gimme that.

- [Grif] Hey!

(cube whooshes)

My stuff!

- [Doc] Nice arm.

- [Donut] There, if you're not responsible enough

to clean your room, then you can just say goodbye

to everything that was in it.

- [Grif] Oh, man.

(computer beeped)

- [Simmons] Hey, someone liked my post!

Things are sure looking up for Private Simmons!

What the?

(device whooshes)

(screams) No!

(guitar strums)

- [Wash] What are you doing?

- [Tucker] I'm fixing (bangs) the radio! (bangs)

- [Wash] By beating it with the butt of your rifle?

- [Tucker] It worked for you.

- [Wash] But that was-

- [Tucker] You know what?

Why don't you just come over here and do it yourself?

- [Wash] Try connecting me antenna port to the amp.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Grif] If you increase the input voltage,

that will just fry the radio.

But if you were to transmit it through an amp...

- [Tucker] All I hear are words

that would get me beat high school.

- [Wash] Tucker, I'm being serious.

- [Tucker] Oh my God, stop the fucking presses.

Agent Washington is being serious.

- [Wash] If you just listen to me, you can do this.

- [Tucker] Well, I don't want to do this.

You ever think of that?

All I want to do is stand around and talk to my friend,

but he's gone now.

And all I've got is you.

- [Wash] What?

- [Tucker] It's fucking bullshit.

- [Wash] (sighs)

Did you know I was one of the worst freelancers in my squad?

There was Agent York, our security specialist,

Agent North, the sharpshooter,

Carolina was an expert in martial arts,

and Tex was well, you know Tex.

- [Tucker] Cool story, bro.

- [Tucker] I was known for

getting a grappling hook stuck to my balls.

- [Tucker] Okay, where are you going with this?

- [Wash] Church was your leader for years.

You guys knew each other inside and out.

- [Tucker] Dude, don't phrase it like that.

- [Wash] But I'm new to all of this.

I've never really had to lead anybody before,

but when Church and Carolina disappeared,

I didn't have a choice.

I had to try.

- [Tucker] Well, there's your problem.

You try too hard, man.

I mean, Church wasn't the best leader ever,

but he never made us run laps or do pushups or anything.

He just took the blame whenever shit went wrong.

That was pretty much it.

- [Wash] Well, we're shipwrecked,

low on food and have to do whatever Caboose tells us

or we'll be killed by a robot.

- [Tucker] Sounds like you really fucked up.

- [Wash] Yeah.

Kinda looks that way.

- [Tucker] But I guess you weren't really our leader

when the ship crashed.

So you don't have to take the blame for that one.

(engines power down)

- [Spaceship Operator] Whoops.

- [Wash] Sorry, knocked the cable out of the wall.

Hope that wasn't important.

(alarms blare)

(chuckles) I'll take some of the blame.

- [Tucker] Whatever.

- [Wash] So are you going to fix his radio or not?

- [Tucker] Well, when I started the radio was working,

but the signal wasn't strong enough,

and now it's just not working.

- [Wash] It sounds like you really fucked up.

- [Tucker] Don't be a dick.

- [Wash] You're a capable soldier, Tucker,

at least compared to your usual acquaintances.

You just need to try.

- [Tucker] Oh.

- [Wash] What?

(device clicks)

- [Tucker] It was just turned off.

- [Caboose] Attention Blue team! (echoes fade)

- [Wash] Uh, yes, captain?

- [Caboose] Ah, I know we all said we wanted

to fix the radio, and that was really important...

to fix the radio and the tower and all that

is really important...

- [Wash] We'll probably die if it's not repaired.

- [Caboose] But I really need you guys

to go back to Blue Base and kind of clean up.

- [Tucker] Clean up what?

- [Caboose] Garbage and robot parts

and gross socks all over.

Simmons, yeah um, Simmons actually won't stop

rocking back and forth in the corner

and it's kind of um, it's kinda freakin' me out.

- [Wash] And you're sure you mean Blue Base?

- [Freckles] Do not question your commanding officer.

- [Wash] Okay, okay, we'll be there in a few minutes.

- [Caboose] Assistant Captain best friend Freckles,

initiate piggyback sequence!

(gears whir)

(robot stomps)

- [Tucker] You realize we're all going to die

because of him.

- [Wash] Tucker, I need you to head back to base

and do what you can.

I'm going up to the ship.

- [Tucker] You're leaving me again?

What the fuck do you need to go to the ship for?

- [Wash] I found something.

I just need you to buy me some time.

- [Tucker] Why, what are you gonna do?

- [Wash] Hopefully, I'm going to put a stop to this.

(guitar strums)

(dramatic music)

- [Locus] You four, with me.

We're going hunting.

(guitar strums)

(guitar strums)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Hey, Lopez's, why don't you two

come over here and give me a hand?

I keep havin' to get on my knees to work on this thing,

but I figure it'd be easier if you just held it

at chest level instead.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(chuckles) Lopez, you ol' kidder you.

Now come on, time's a wastin'.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(chuckles) Oh, don't tell me he's got you in on it too.

(chuckles) Lopez you are rambunctious.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

It is a lovely day, isn't it?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Thank you for noticing, I have been hitting the gym.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(chuckles) You guys are like a couple of three stooges.

Well, whenever you're done goofin' off,

head on over, I just need to make a few more adjustments.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(guitar strums)

(gravel crunches)

- [Wash] Here goes nothing.

(Freckles stomps)

- [Freckles] Agent Washington.

- [Wash] Oh, Freckles, I didn't see you there.

Man, for a behemoth, you hide really well.

- [Freckles] You have failed to uphold your duty

to Captain Caboose.

- [Wash] But I was on my way up now.

Ready to clean the base.

- [Freckles] You lack diligence, Agent Washington.

- [Wash] What?

- [Freckles] You question authority, Agent Washington.

- [Wash] Um, Caboose, can you come out here?

- [Freckles] You must be eliminated, Agent Washington.

- [Wash] Caboose!

- [Caboose] Hello?

- [Wash] Your pet is trying to kill me.

- [Caboose] What?

That does not sound like Freck...

Hey Freckles, Freckles what are you doing?

- [Freckles] Agent Washington has failed to meet

the minimum requirement of Blue Team service

and is no longer fit for duty.

He must be eliminated.

- [Caboose] See, he's just doing what he just said.

- [Wash] Caboose, please come here, I need to talk to you.

- [Caboose] Agh, probably wants to talk

about what an awesome leader I am.

(Wash clears throat)

- [Caboose] Yes, hello,

what seems to be the problem Agent Washington?

- [Wash] (sighs) I'm sorry Caboose.

I'm sorry your best friend left you without saying goodbye.

Maybe (somber music)

he thought you would try and stop him,

or maybe it was just too hard for him to tell you

but, no matter the reason, he's still gone.

He left you, both of you.

I don't really do emotional things

and I hoped you might be able to get over this

by yourselves so I left you alone,

and instead of coming to terms with what you lost,

you replaced it with, well, the first thing you found.

But I should have been there for you Caboose, (sighs)

because, that's what friends do for each other.

- [Freckles] Captain Caboose is not your friend,

he is your commanding -

- [Caboose] Uh, no we're all friends here Freckles,

it's, you know.

- [Wash] That's right, and as your friend

I want to say that I'm sorry.

I know it's not much, but I made you this.

- [Caboose] Oh my God, my old helmet!

- [Freckles] Captain Caboose,

you should return to your duties.

- [Wash] I know you really like Freckles, Caboose.

But you have to understand that he's very dangerous.

He's not a puppy anymore.

A kitten? Or...

He's really big.

- [Caboose] Yeah, he blew up a car.

- [Wash] I remember that.

- [Caboose] Freckles, you-

you're one of the best machines I know.

And that is saying something

because I have been friends with a lot of machines.

But, from now on,

I think you should listen to Agent Washington.

- [Freckles] Are you sure?

- [Caboose] Yeah, yeah he's very smart and really nice.

- [Freckles] Acknowledged.

- [Caboose] You can be leader again if you want to, Wash,

it's not as much fun as it looks.

I think I'm more like the dashing

second in command kind of person.

Y'know, all the perks no work.

- [Wash] Thank you, Caboose.

- [Simmons] (sniffles) I wish my team was this emotional.

- [Tucker] Jesus Christ.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Caboose] Ah, it fits perfect!

And look, someone left some gum!

- [Tucker] Pretty sneaky, Wash.

A couple of mushy words, a present,

and you're right back up at the top.

- [Wash] Nothing sneaky about it.

I meant every word.

(loud click)

- [Caboose] Uh oh, I, I can't see anything.

Hello?

- [Tucker] I think you still need

to work on your craftsmanship, though.

- [Caboose] Oh my God, I'm blind.

- [Wash] One step at a time, Tucker.

- [Caboose] Uh, can people see me?

I can't see them!

- [Tucker] Well, at least we don't have

a killer robot to worry about anymore.

(engine revs)

- [Sarge] (laughs) Listen to that lady purr!

- [Donut] Nice work, Sarge.

- [Grif] Nice work?

It looks like shit.

It's half the size, and on fire.

- [Sarge] Yeah, it turns out we were missing some pieces.

Which reminds me. (punches Grif)

Donut, get me a glass.

I'm makin' orange juice.

- [Grif] Every time.

- [Donut] Getting a jump on the flu season!

Good thinking, sir!

- [Doc Wait, That's a Thing?

(gears whir)

- [Cyclops] Cyclops online.

- [Sarge] Huh, I knew she was a beautiful lady.

- [Grif] Cyclops?

- [Doc] Huh, looks more like a praying mantis to me.

- [Donut] No, she said C C Cyclops.

I think it's Italian.

- [Cyclops] E-e- error, h-hardware malfunction.

- [Sarge] Welcome to Red Team, C.C.

Now if you can-

- [Cyclops] Enemy soldiers detected.

- [Grif] Uh, is it supposed to do that?

- [Sarge] I admire your enthusiasm, C.C.,

but you've only got one enemy.

It's a big robot over at-

- [Cyclops] Negative.

Motion tracker detects 16 hostiles.

- [Sarge] Wait, what?

- [Cyclops] D-d-deadly force authorized.

- [Doc] I'm no hostile, I'm a pacifist.

Kill them.

- [Grif] Hey!

- [Cyclops] Eng-gaging...(powers down)

- [Sarge] Damn, she ran out of diesel.

- [Doc] You converted it to diesel?

- [Sarge] Of course.

Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.

- [Grif] Fuck that, she needs to be thrown off a cliff.

- [Sarge] I don't see how

that's gonna solve the fuel problem.

- [Donut] Hey guys, there's 11 of us in the canyon.

- [Grif] Wow, Donut, that's one more than ten.

Good job buddy.

- [Sarge] I don't know if I'd really count Lopez.

- [Donut] But, she said 16.

(distant gun fire)

- [Grif] Oh, shit.

(dramatic music)

(guns fire)

- [Tucker] Who the fuck are these guys?

- [Caboose] Why are we shooting off fireworks?

Is it someone's birthday?

- [Wash] Freckles, cover Caboose!

(Caboose sings Happy Birthday)

- [Simmons] Stop shooting, we're friendly!

That's the opposite of what I said!

- [Tucker] Fuck this. (shoots)

(soldier crumples)

- [Wash] Wait, we don't know who they are!

- [Tucker] They're the guys that are gonna kill us

if we don't kill them first!

- [Wash] Freckles, take 'em out!

- [Freckles] Engaging targets.

(explosions)

Primary threat eliminated.

- [Sarge] What in Sam Hill is goin' on over here?

- [Grif] Who are those guys?

- [Wash] We don't know.

- [Tucker] They showed up and just started shooting.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Shut up, Lopez, this isn't the time for jokes.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Wash] Lets move inside.

We need to find cover in case

there's more hiding out in the -

- [Felix] Run!

(gun fires)

- [Simmons] Look out, it's another one!

(gun fires)

- [Felix] Son of a bitch!

- [Simmons] No, wait, I'm confused.

- [Felix] What are you doing?

I said, run!

- [Locus] Excellent work soldiers.

You killed my men.

I suppose that makes you the real deal.

- [Simmons] Okay, now I'm really confused.

- [Locus] Quiet!

All of you, come with me.

- [Wash] And why would we do that?

- [Locus] Because if you don't come now,

I'll have to take you, later.

- [Felix] Fuck off!

- [Locus] You, shut your mouth

and be glad I missed your head.

- [Felix] Oh my God, you are such a douchebag.

- [Tucker] Yeah, what he said.

- [Locus] This is your last chance.

- [Wash] Freckles!

(Freckles stomps and fires)

(explosion)

- [Grif] Holy shit, did you see that?

- [Caboose] No!

What happened?

Please describe it to me!

Use only small words!

- [Felix] Um, any of you know how to patch up a leg?

- [Doc] I'll go get some orange juice.

- [Felix] Wait, that's a thing?

(guitar strums)

- [Doc] There, good as new.

- [Felix] I can't feel my toes.

- [Donut] That's normal.

- [Felix] Is it?

Hey, whoa!

- [Wash] You need to start talking.

- [Felix] Aggressive, paranoid and a little melodramatic.

You must be Agent Washington.

- [Tucker] Ha, melodramatic!

- [Felix] And that means the rest of you

are the Reds and the Blues.

- [Caboose] Oh my God, how does he know that?

- [Grif] We're wearing red and blue armor.

- [Caboose] But how can he tell?

- [Grif] Will somebody please fix his helmet?

- [Wash] How do you know who we are?

- [Felix] Seriously?

Come on, man.

Everybody knows about you guys.

You're heroes.

- [Sarge] Heroes?

- [Felix] You're the team that brought down

Project Freelancer.

You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers.

- [Simmons] Well, I can see how you might think that.

- [Sarge] Because it's absolutely true.

- [Doc] It's partially true.

- [Grif] But mainly false.

- [Wash] Stop giving him information.

What's your name?

- [Felix] Felix.

- [Wash] Okay, Felix, what are you doing here?

- [Felix] Do you want the long answer or the short one?

- [Wash] Do you want another bullet in your leg?

- [Felix] Hey, that bullet's there because of you.

- [Tucker] He's got a point.

- [Wash] (sighs) Just explain what's going on.

- [Grif] Uh, yeah like who were those guys

that were trying to kill us?

- [Simmons] And why haven't we been rescued yet?

- [Felix] Wait, where do you think you are?

- [Tucker] What do you mean?

- [Felix] I mean, do you understand where you crashed?

- [Sarge] Well, we've been taking bets.

Highest wager's currently on Bermuda triangle.

After that we got to Gilligan's island, and purgatory.

- [Grif] So stupid.

- [Donut] No, just think about it.

It makes perfect sense.

- [Felix] The reason no one's come to help you

is the same reason no one's come to help them.

(guitar strums)

- [Simmons] Them?

- [Felix] The people on this planet.

- [Wash] What planet?

- [Felix] Chorus.

- [Tucker] Never heard of it.

- [Felix] Well, I wouldn't expect you to.

It's on the very edge of colonized space.

And after the war between the humans and the aliens,

was more or less forgotten by Earth and the UNSC.

(somber music)

- [Grif] We crashed in the middle of nowhere,

on a planet in the middle of nowhere,

fucking beautiful everybody.

- [Simmons] But how did we end up so far from home?

It should've been a short flight.

- [Spaceship Operator] Sir, please,

you can't be back here.

These engines are delicate.

- [Sarge] Can it, Poindexter.

No wonder this flight's taking so long!

Who ever heard of delicate engines?

These engines are supposed to be big, loud,

and terrible for the environment!

Let's kick this baby into slipspace!

- [Spaceship Operator] Wait!

(alarms blare)

- [Sarge] Eh, one mystery at a time there, Simmons.

- [Felix] Now being a small planet,

completely free of UNSC jurisdiction.

The nice little people of Chorus decided

(rueful music)

to run things on their own.

The only problem was, they didn't do a very good job.

- [Grif] Ugh, history's the worst.

Can you just get to the point?

- [Felix] The point is, you crash landed

in the middle of a civil war.

And I'm on the side that's trying to keep you alive.

- [Wash] And which side is that?

- [Felix] The new Republic,

essentially a bunch of people

got fed up with the way things are going on Chorus,

so they put together a rebel army

and decided to fight for their freedom.

It's all very patriotic.

- [Tucker] So, what?

Does that make those guys the Evil Empire or something?

- [Felix] Yeah, you could say that.

- [Tucker] Oh, well fuck.

- [Wash] But why the attack?

Why try to kidnap us?

- [Felix] Like I said, you're the greatest soldiers

in the galaxy and that makes you a pretty hot commodity.

And I'd be lying if I said

my shitty attempt at a rescue mission

didn't have a few strings attached.

- [Sarge] What kinda strings we talking here?

- [Felix] (sighs) The rebels need your help.

Once they heard that you were on Chorus,

they sent me out with a small team

to find you and bring you back.

They're hoping you might be the key to winning this war.

- [Grif] Hm, no.

- [Felix] No?

- [Simmons] Yeah, no.

- [Caboose] Yeah, that, that's not gonna work for me.

- [Wash] Look, Felix.

I hate to break it to you,

but we're in no condition to fight a war.

- [Tucker] All we want is a ride off this shitty planet.

No offense.

- [Felix] Eh, it ain't my shitty planet.

- [Doc] Aren't you one of the rebels?

- [Felix] No, I'm a freelancer.

(all cock guns)

No, I mean I'm a mercenary, you know a gun for hire.

- [Grif] Oh thank God.

- [Wash] They paid you to come find us?

- [Felix] They pay me to do lots of stuff,

but yeah, you're my current paycheck.

- [Wash] So you want us to go fight someone else's war,

just if you can make some extra cash.

- [Felix] Uh, it's for a good cause?

- [Wash] Right, we'll just take that ride out of here,

if you don't mind.

- [Tucker] Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Mediocrity.

- [Grif] Whoo hoo!

Here's the not going that extra mile.

- [Felix] You know, I wasn't alone

when I came out here to find you,

There were three of us.

Just think about that.

(rapid footsteps)

- [Grif] Whatever, it's not like we asked them to save us.

- [Simmons] Yeah, we definitely didn't build

a giant radio tower to send a distress signal or anything.

- [Grif] Shut up.

(radio warbles)

- [Felix] Headquarters, this is Felix.

I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.

- [Headquarters] Holy shit, you found them?

That's great.

What's your status?

- [Felix] Not good.

We ran into some Feds.

I need an evac team.

- [Headquarters] Uh, Felix, I can't just

fly somebody out there.

- [Felix] I know, okay,

but you send as many men as you can,

as fast as you can.

Locus has our position.

- [Headquarters] Oh no. - [Tucker] Who's Locus?

- [Felix] Now I want to do this quiet

and I want to do it right,

but just to be safe, bring a shit load of guns.

- [Headquarters] Right, sending reinforcements, sir.

- [Felix] Roger, Felix out.

(radio warbles)

- [Grif] So, what now?

- [Felix] Now we work on making this canyon

the most defendable hole in the ground

the universe has ever seen.

- [Wash] Why?

(dramatic music)

- [Felix] Because we're about to get hit hard.

I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand.

We'll set up choke points and mark potential sniper's nests.

- [Wash] Whoa whoa whoa, slow down.

We're not telling you anything.

We still don't even know if we can believe you.

- [Felix] Well, believed this.

If we don't prepare for a fight,

we might as well just be waiting for a massacre.

(dramatic music)

- [Wash] Tucker, see if you can fix Caboose's helmet.

- [Caboose] Yes, who said that!

- [Wash] Sarge, you and the Reds, build up an arsenal.

If we can use it as a weapon, let's get it prepped.

- [Sarge] I can think of a few things

that might come in handy.

- [Wash] Felix, you and I aren't done talking.

- [Felix] Well, all right then.

Let's see if you guys are as good as they say.

- [Grif] Prepare to be sorely disappointed.

- [Sarge] All right, boys, we don't have much time.

So let's see what we've got.

- [Simmons] (clears throat) Hello everyone.

Private Simmons, great to be back.

- [Grif] Wrap it up.

- [Simmons] Good to be back.

- [Grif] Nobody cares.

- [Simmons] All right, just shut up and listen.

We had a full armory on board the ship

consisting of firearms, as well as explosives.

I moved as many as I could down here

and also took the liberty of setting up a minefield

near Red Base.

- [Grif] But you didn't even bury them.

- [Simmons] From what I could tell,

they're designed to rest above the ground.

- [Grif] Uh, with blinking red warning lights?

- [Simmons] Yeah, it doesn't really make any sense.

- [Sarge] Excellent work, Simmons.

Now go organize those firearms.

- [Simmons] Yes, sir.

- [Sarge] Grif, Doc, how are the teleportation tests going?

- [Doc] Well we've learned the cubes

can be set to different frequencies.

For example, if I throw a cube set to frequency A,

it will absorb an object.

(cube whooshes)

If I then throw a second cube on frequency A,

that object will reappear.

(cube whooshes)

- [Grif] Meanwhile, if I've got a cube set to B,

I can throw it like so.

- [Doc] Yeah, hey, wait-

(cube whooshes)

- [Grif] And then throw a second cube set to B,

without ever messing with the stuff

sucked up by the cube set to A.

(cube whooshes)

- [Sarge] So all they do is teleport things?

No explosions, no violence?

- [Grif] Nah.

- [Sarge] Well we maybe can make them absorb grenades,

and then we can throw the grenade filled cubes at the enemy.

- [Grif] At that point, wouldn't it

just make sense to throw grenades?

- [Sarge] We're not here to make sense,

Private, we're here to win.

Now take Donut and go find a way

to make your stupid cubes do somethin' useful.

- [Grif] (sighs) Fine.

- [Sarge] And finally, we have the Lopez's.

Stop standing next to each other.

I can never tell you two apart.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] I need you two to get to work

on repairing C.C.'s fuel tanks.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] I can't wait to see her,

triumphantly leading the charge on the front lines,

glistening in the sunlight,

with the blood of her fallen enemies!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Wait a minute, this is a terrible idea.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

I can't trust an idiotic robot

with a job as important as this.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Change of plans.

You two go prep the work station,

then wait for me to arrive to do the job myself

. I'm gonna go find my favorite welding torch.

(rapid footsteps)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(guitar strums)

(electricity crackles)

- [Tucker] All right, how's that?

- [Caboose] Nope, still can't see.

- [Tucker] Open your eyes.

- [Caboose] Oh my God, the graphics are incredible.

- [Tucker] You're welcome.

- [Caboose] Ah, oh, thanks, Tucker.

You know you, you and I

have had our differences in the past.

I have called you stupid.

You have called me stupid.

I have tried to kill you.

- [Tucker] Uh huh.

- [Caboose] But you know,

at the end of the day I like to think

that you and I are actually-

(electricity crackles)

- [Tucker] What?

I can barely hear you.

Dammit, I think fixing your visor

somehow broke your radio.

Just stand still.

- [Wash] So how bad is this?

- [Felix] The man coming for us is named Locus.

He's a merc, like me.

Only, you know, terrifying.

- [Wash] Locus?

- [Felix] Yeah, guy's so far off the deep end,

he prefers to go by the name of his armor

instead of the name he was born with. (whistles)

- [Wash] That's unsettling.

- [Felix] Oh, are you first name, Agent,

last name Washington?

That's so weird.

- [Wash] That's just old habits.

- [Felix] Well, here's to hoping those old habits

of yours kick in when he shows up.

You know I thought there'd be more of you.

Weren't you with another Freelancer, and an A.I.?

- [Wash] They disappeared not long after we crashed.

- [Felix] Sheesh, any idea where they went?

- [Wash] No.

- [Felix] Hm, well, if it makes you feel any better,

I haven't heard anything about them over the radio.

So, um, that's probably good.

- [Wash] How was he able to cloak himself?

- [Felix] Hm?

- [Wash] Locus, he turned invisible.

How?

- [Felix] The federal army has got all sorts of fancy stuff.

I got my light shield off a dead soldier.

(shield whooshes)

Pretty cool.

- [Wash] It's just that I've never seen

that kind of equipment outside of Project Freelancer.

- [Felix] Welcome to the future, Wash.

Technology is incredible,

and everyone uses it to kill each other.

- [Wash] Does that mean your guys have the same equipment?

- [Felix] I wish.

The New Republic's barely getting by

with what they can.

You wouldn't happen to have any high-tech armor

aboard that wreck, would you?

- [Wash] Plenty of armor,

Just nothing out of the ordinary.

- [Felix] Well, at least you can accessorize.

Eh?

Try a little color combo mixing up.

I, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to light that mood.

- [Wash] Actually, I think I might indulge

in some of those old habits you were talking about.

Follow me.

- [Felix] I mean, you're just cryptic, like all the time.

Did you realize that?

(acoustic guitar music)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(electricity crackles)

- [Donut] Well, it just goes to show

that with time effort, and a little bit of elbow grease,

we really can achieve wonders.

- [Tucker] We spent hours turning this place

into a war zone, and you made me hate it in one sentence.

- [Grif] It's what he does.

- [Wash] Donut's got a point though.

(guitar strums)

I think we're ready.

- [Donut] Oooh, back in black.

Looks good, Wash.

- [Caboose] Yeah that really brings back memories.

Like when we first met.

And then we met again and you shot Donut.

- [Wash] I'm impressed guys.

This place looks good.

In between the landmines, Freckles, and the tank,

I don't think anyone's going to stand a chance against us.

(explosion)

- [Sarge] Run for your lives!

- [Simmons] Sarge?

- [Grif] Oh shit they're here.

- [Wash] Everyone get ready!

- [Felix] No, wait, this isn't right.

Locus wouldn't attack like this.

- [Tucker] Well who else on this planet wants us dead?

(guns fire)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Dos Point-O, cease fire!

No mas, no mas!

- [Grif] Dos point oh?

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Caboose] Freckles!

- [Freckles] Deadly force authorized.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Donut] Yes, giant robot fight!

Totally called that on Basebook.

- [Wash] Wait, everyone calm down.

- [Felix] Shit!

(acoustic guitar music)

- [Locus] Surrender now, and I promise

only to kill the mercenary.

- [Simmons] Well fuck.

- [Grif] Oh yeah?

You and what army?

- [Locus] The Federal Army, of course.

- [Grif] Well, guess I walked right into that one.

- [Felix] Looks like backup isn't getting here in time.

- [Tucker] Uh, Wash, what's the plan?

- [Freckles] Engaging target.

(guns fire)

- [Wash] Get to cover!

(gunshots and explosions)

(action music)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Caboose] Freckles, be careful!

- [Wash] Dammit, we need something to draw their fire.

- [Sarge] Simmons?

- [Simmons] Shotgun.

- [Sarge] Tanks for dropping by, dirtbags.

But it's high time you left.

(tank fires)

- [Simmons] Still inverted, sir.

- [Sarge] Right.

(explosion)

- [Simmons] Woohoo!

Yeah!

Suck it evil soldier dudes!

- [Locus] Huh.

(action music)

- [Felix] Heavy artillery!

- [Tucker] What?

Where did that come from?

- [Wash] They must be getting in through the caves.

(guns fire)

- [Sarge] Uh oh.

(cube whooshes)

(vehicle crashes)

- [Grif] Boosh!

Future cubes, bitches!

- [Wash] What would that?

- [Donut] Future cubes, the cubes of the future!

- [Sarge] I still think they'd be better with grenades!

- [Grif] Kiss my ass!

(guns fire)

(Grif yelps)

- [Caboose] Freckles!

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Freckles] Shields critical.

- [Caboose] Ahh, we have to help him!

- [Wash] All right.

Let's grab some explosives and-

- [Donut] Wait.

I know what to do.

- [Wash] What the?

Just cover him!

(explosions)

- [Freckles] Shields failing.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

- [Donut] All right, that's enough.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

Don't make me hurt you.

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Donut speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(Donut speaking Spanish)

(Lopez 2.0 speaking Spanish)

(explosion)

(cube sizzles)

(explosion)

(Donut speaking Spanish)

- [Tucker] Seriously, he has an incredible arm.

- [Grif] Okay, it wasn't a volcano,

but I'm still taking credit for the idea!

- [Sarge] Incoming!

(guns fire)

- [Wash] Sarge, are you okay?

- [Sarge] Havin' the time of my life!

The tank's pretty beat up.

- [Simmons] They just keep coming.

(device beeps)

- [Felix] Get out of the tank!

(Simmons and Sarge yelp)

(explosion)

- [Wash] Dammit!

- [Grif] Holy shit, those explode?

- [Donut] Did you guys see me?

- [Wash] Yes, now put those skills of yours

to work and start tossing

some grenades.

- [Donut] On it.

(action music)

And you get a bomb,

and you get a bomb,

and you get a bomb

and you get a bomb,

we all get bombs!

- [Freckles] Energy levels critical.

- [Caboose] Guys, Freckles' in trouble!

He looks tired.

- Fuck that!

Hook him up to the ship!

It's got plenty of power!

- [Simmons] Oh, I can do that.

- [Wash] Felix, where's that back up?

- [Felix] I don't know.

Fucking assholes!

- [Grif] Uh, I'm running out of cubes!

- [Wash] Just hold on a little longer,

and we'll get Freckles back online.

- [Simmons] Uh, Wash, that might be a problem!

- [Wash] (growls) I'll be right back, cover me.

- [Tucker] Okay!

(turret gun fires)

Suck my balls!

- [Simmons] I hooked up Freckles,

but for some reason, he's not getting any power!

- [Wash] What do you mean?

We should have plenty.

- [Simmons] I know, but it's all

being diverted somewhere else.

I don't know what it could be.

- [Wash] Well, where's it all going?

(keyboard clicks)

- [Simmons] Red base?

- [Donut] Uh oh, I, uh, think I know what it is.

(computer beeps)

- [Wash] Downloading a picture on Basebook

is draining our entire power supply?

- [Donut] It is a very high quality picture.

- [Wash] How does that even make sense?

- [Simmons] We've gotta cancel the download.

- [Donut] But we're pinned down.

How are we supposed to (screams)

- [Wash And Simmons] Donut!

- [Simmons] Is he dead?

- [Wash] No, but he's unconscious.

- [Simmons] Oh good.

Cause I did not want to go through that shit again.

- [Wash] Felix, we're a man down!

Where is that backup!?

- [Felix] I don't know.

They should be here in a few minutes.

- [Wash] We don't have a few minutes.

If we can't get Freckles online, we won't stand a chance!

- [Tucker] Ugh, such bullshit.

- [Grif] Hey, where are you going?

- [Wash] Tucker!

(guns fire)

(explosion)

- [Tucker] And swish!

Fuck you, Basebook!

- [Simmons] He did it, we're getting power.

- [Freckles] Charging.

- [Federal Soldier] Freeze!

- [Tucker] Ah, crap.

- [Federal Soldier] You and your friends

have caused us a lot of trouble.

Now lay down your weapon.

(gun fires)

- [Tucker] What the Hell?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Dos point oh?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Lopez, that was fucking awesome.

Where did you get that body?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

I don't know what you said, but that's great.

Now let's get outta here.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Freckles] Shields 25% charged.

(guns fire)

- [Sarge] (laughs) Eat lead,

you seemingly infinite number of soldiers!

- [Grif] Yeah, how's it feel to get your ass kicked

by a bunch of losers?

- [Wash] All right, everyone together now.

We can do this!

- [Locus] No, you can't.

(gun charges and fires)

- [Tucker] Wash!

- [Caboose] Oh no!

- [Simmons] Is he okay?

(guns fire)

- [Tucker] Lopez!

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] You bastards stay away from my men!

If anybody's gonna kill 'em,

it's gonna be me!

(gun charges and fires)

- [Grif] Sarge?

(vehicle roars)

- [Felix] Incoming!

(guns fire)

- [Caboose] Freckles, no!

(heavy thuds)

(Rebel soldiers shout)

- [Felix] They're here.

That's our backup.

- [Rebel Soldier] Suck it, you Fed scum!

- [Freckles] Engaging targets.

(explosion)

- [Felix] Get to the cave!

We've gotta go!

- [Caboose] But what about Wash and Freckles?

- [Simmons] Quick, someone help me carry Sarge.

(Rebel soldier grunts)

- [Rebel Soldier] What the hell?

(dramatic music)

- [Felix] There's no time.

Get outta here!

- [Caboose] But-

- [Grif] Caboose, c'mon!

- [Tucker] What are you doing?

Where's Wash?

- [Simmons] He's still at the base.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Rebel Soldier] Sir, if we leave now,

they'll just follow us back to headquarters!

- [Felix] Ah, shit, someone get me some explosives!

(guns fire)

- [Tucker] Wait, guys, there he is.

Wash, Wash come on!

- [Felix] We gotta seal this tunnel.

(somber music)

(guns fire)

- [Wash] Freckles!

Shake.

(Freckles stomps)

- [Tucker] No, what are you doing?

(rock crumbles)

(Wash sighs)

(Wash grunts)

- [Medic] He's waking up.

- [Felix] Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy now.

You've been knocked out for a while.

Just take it easy, there's nothing to worry about.

You're safe, tucker.

- [Tucker] (groans) What?

- [Felix] You took a rock to the back of the head.

Good news is we made it back to base undetected.

- [Tucker] Back to base?

- [Felix] Welcome to the New Republic.

(engine rumbles)

- [Tucker] Felix, what the fuck is going on?

Where is everyone?

- [Felix] Grif, Simmons and Caboose

are up at the main compound.

- [Tucker] Well what about everyone else?

What about Sarge?

What about Wash?

- [Medic] Um, I'm gonna go.

- [Felix] Yeah, thanks, Doc.

- [Tucker] Dude, do not fuck with me right now.

- [Felix] We had to leave them, Tucker.

- [Tucker] What?

- [Felix] Look, the Feds were closing in.

If we'd stayed any longer, they would've taken you too.

- [Tucker] No, that's bullshit.

- [Felix] That's war, Tucker.

Not everyone makes it back.

You guys put up a good fight.

I can see why Kimball wants you.

- [Tucker] Who the fuck is Kimball?

- [Kimball] I am.

Vanessa Kimball, leader of the New Republic,

and very glad to meet you.

I wish it were under better circumstances.

- [Tucker] Uh, yeah.

- [Kimball] Your friends are waiting for you

up near the mess hall.

It's just north of here.

Why don't you go catch up?

We'll talk later.

- [Tucker] Yeah.

(metallic footsteps)

- [Kimball] You're not getting paid the full amount.

- [Felix] I know.

- [Kimball] You're lucky you're getting paid at all.

- [Felix] I know.

- [Kimball] Are they as good as we hoped?

- [Felix] I think so.

Either that or they're just really lucky.

- [Kimball] Well, they probably don't feel very lucky.

- [Simmons] It's a small rebel army, Grif.

- [Grif] It's poor customer service.

- [Simmons] You were eating everything.

- [Grif] I'm an emotional eater.

What can I say?

- [Caboose] Tucker?

- [Tucker] Hey.

- [Grif] Sup?

- [Tucker] Man, what the fuck is going on?

- [Simmons] After you were knocked out,

we were taken to this huge cave

somewhere beneath the jungle.

- [Tucker] These guys live in a cave?

- [Simmons] They're rebels, of course they live in a cave.

It's hidden.

- [Grif] Nah, I'm with Tucker.

I was expecting some bad-ass snow base or something.

- [Simmons] What, why?

- [Grif] That's what they had in Star Wars.

- [Simmons] How is that even relevant?

- [Grif] Tell me this is not just like Star Wars.

Tell me.

- [Caboose] Tucker does have a glowing sword.

- [Grif] Tucker has a glowing sword, Simmons.

- [Tucker] Man, we're really all that made it?

(somber music)

- [Felix] Hey, something's come up.

Follow me.

- [Rebel Soldier] Dude, I'm telling you, it's them.

- [Rebel Soldier 2] Whoa.

Maybe we're not fucked.

- [Kimball] Michael Caboose, Dexter Grif,

Richard Simmons, and Lavernius Tucker.

The four of you have traveled great distances,

retrieved ancient artifacts,

brought corrupt men to justice,

and bested the most dangerous war criminals

this galaxy has ever known.

And now it seems fate has brought you to our doorstep.

- [Grif] No pressure.

- [Kimball] I'm aware that you've been informed

of our situation and I understand your reluctance

to help fight a war that is not your own,

but we've just received word

that the Federal Army has your friends alive

and in captivity.

- [Tucker] They're okay?

- [Simmons] What's going to happen to them?

- [Kimball] We're not sure,

but if they're alive, it means they can be rescued.

And it means this war may become yours after all.

- [Grif] Ah, shit.

- [Kimball] So, I'm going to make you a promise.

If you help us take back our planet,

we'll help you take back your friends.

And when it's all over,

you can take our best ship,

and fly as far away from this place as you want.

I know it's not the best offer, but what do you say?

- [Grif] Look, lady, I don't know what you think we can do,

but I seriously doubt we can actually do it.

- [Kimball] This war has gone on for too long.

Too many people have died.

And our remaining soldiers are young,

inexperienced and scared.

But you give them hope.

They've heard what you've done

and they will look to you for guidance.

They will run with you into battle,

and they will follow your orders,

if you choose to lead them.

I can't do this alone.

- [Simmons] Sarge is gone, Wash is gone.

How the hell are we supposed to do this without them?

- [Tucker] Yeah, none of us have ever led anyone before.

- [Caboose] Well, not for very long.

- [Kimball] I know, but you just need to try.

(acoustic guitar music and soft whistling)

(rhythmic footsteps)

- [Tucker] Hm, all right.

Let's run some drills.

- [Grif] Aw, man.

- [Caboose] And break!

♪ We've been here so long ♪

♪ Still I remember the rainy September ♪

♪ Contact ♪

♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪

♪ Two, four, one, 10 ♪

♪ Am I transmitting ♪

♪ Is anyone listening ♪

♪ Contact ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Am I still willing ♪

♪ To foot all this billing ♪

♪ Contact ♪

♪ We are green and gray ♪

♪ The longness of semper ♪

♪ Still I remember ♪

♪ Contact ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Are we transmitting ♪

♪ Is anyone listening ♪

♪ Contact ♪

(somber music)

♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪

♪ Singing a rider's song ♪

♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪

♪ The other one's wrong ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Two four one 10 ♪

♪ Am I still willing ♪

♪ To foot all this billing ♪

♪ Contact ♪

♪ When I think of you ♪

♪ Your name's in the sky 90 feet high ♪

♪ Contact ♪

(somber music)

♪ Riding on our shiny metal horses ♪

♪ Singing a rider's song ♪

♪ One of us won't be forgotten ♪

♪ The other one's wrong ♪

(somber music)

(low pitched hum)

- [Locus] We searched Crash Site Bravo, sir.

- [Computer] And?

- [Locus] The crate was recovered

intact and completely sealed.

- [Computer] Wonderful news.

- [Locus] However, it looks as if

they tried to blast it open.

Do you think they knew?

- [Computer] Highly unlikely.

Report back to Control as soon as possible, Locus.

- [Locus] Are you sure keeping them alive

is the best course of action?

- [Computer] Do you feel threatened

by the simulation troopers, Locus?

- [Locus] Of course not.

- [Computer] Then we will continue

with our endeavors as previously discussed.

Do I make myself clear?

- [Locus] Yes, sir.

- [Carolina] Good, I'll be there before you know it.