Original subtitles

Mom!

Mom!

How do you want your egg done?

How about your brown muffin? You want it toasted?

Hurry up!

All right, all right, just cool it.

Hey come on, let's go. Let's go.

Hey! Are you okay, buddy?

I am fine. I am just fine.

Okay, then would you mind getting this piece of junk out of here?

I'd like to, really, I would really like to but...

I have forgotten how to drive.

You forgot?

Well, you see I have this lousy memory.

It's gonna come back to me any second.

Well may be, I can help you refresh it.

You see that peddle down there.

You mean the foot rest thing?

Right, right, that's called a break.

Break. That's right. That's the break.

If you take your shoe of the big foot rest

and put it on the little foot rest

the car will go.

Well, I'll try.

Watch it!

Damn fool!

- I'm sorry, Charlie. - Hmm.

Happened again this morning.

So, I see.

I'm glad mom wasn't here.

She is inside huh?

Oh, here she is now.

Watch the bottom step, mom.

Good morning, Mrs. Swaboda.

Here we go.

Buckle up.

Mom have a good night, last night?

Why don't you ask her?

Everything okay today, Mrs. S?

Oh! She's fine.

Sure you don't me to drive?

Is something wrong with my driving?

Well, now and then.

Come on, Charlie.

Ignition.

Put it into drive.

And...

Away we go.

Almost.

Well, Walter's late.

I don't mind if he's late as long as he is himself.

Uh-oh. Here he comes.

He's Rocky.

No, he's himself. He's just wearing, Rocky's clothes.

Look, can you fellows wait while I change?

When I was getting dressed this morning, Rocky took me over.

He looks fine. Walter, Get in.

Would you mind going the other side?

Mrs. Swaboda is with us today.

Oh! Of course. Of course.

I am sorry Mrs. Swaboda, I didn't see you.

It's my fault we're late this morning, Walter.

Got something.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Dr. Segal.

Good morning.

This is Dr. Carson, he'd be with us all day today.

In here. In here.

Doctor.

Typical.

Well, we start.

Miss. West, whom have we go today?

Mr. Dibley, Mr. Swaboda and Mr. Berry.

Oh! Fine, fine.

Send in Mr. Dibley, Dibley.

Unusual, amazing case.

Recurring Amnesia.

Good morning Dr. Segal.

Dibley.

Sit down, huh.

Hello there, Bruce Dibley.

Dr. Carson.

You don't mind if Dr. Carson, sits in here?

- No not at all. - Oh good.

Now, tell me...

How has your memory been?

Well, I had a little bit of a lapse this morning,

but on the whole I would say that it's improving.

Hello there, Bruce Dibley.

Nice to meet you, again.

Now...

Let me hear what I gave you to memorize.

Start me of.

To be.

To be or not to...

To be or not to...

Be.

Right. Thank you.

To be or not to be.

Ah, never mind that was a hard one.

Now. Let me hear some poem.

You gave me a poem to memorize?

The sea below.

The sea below the stars above.

The sea below the stars above.

What a night to be in.

Love.

Right. How come you know, all these lines?

Let's try that again.

The sea below the stars above. What a night to be or not to be.

- Thanks doctor. - You're welcome.

- Have a good session, Shawn. - Thank you.

This patient is run for the books.

This is the worst case of parental fixation I have ever seen.

He never goes anywhere without his mother.

I see. The mother is strict, opinionated, domineering. Correct?

I don't know. I never met her.

Hello, Dr. Segal.

Good morning, Swaboda. Good morning.

Swaboda, this is Dr. Carson.

Hello, Dr. Carson.

He would like to ask you a few questions.

Sure.

Is your mother with you today?

Yes, she's in waiting room.

Good. Why don't we bring her in?

Could you ask Mrs. Swaboda, to come in please.

I don't think I can do that, doctor.

Well, then I'll just come get her myself.

Nice to see you, Mrs. Swaboda.

Did you have a good session, Charlie?

Yes. Mom hates the new doctor.

Are you ready for Mr. Berry, Dr. Segal?

Yeah, just give me 60 seconds.

And now doctor we have something completely different.

A double skizo...

Two distinct personalities,

that take over the patient without warning.

One calls himself Rocky.

An extremely belligerent person.

The type who sees himself as a gangster.

Modeled after Jimmy Cagney.

Oh, yes.

And the other personality is of course...

The exact opposite of Cagney.

Somebody,

correct and well spoken.

Adolphe Menjou, perhaps.

Patti Davis.

It is a woman?

Her name is Kitty.

Do you have any theories?

The patient was born in the front row of the Roxy theatre

during a double bill.

Dr. Segal?

I, uh... Walter, come, come, sit down.

This is Dr. Carson.

He would like to speak to you for a while, huh?

Fine. Well...

Tell me,

does Rocky always choose the wardrobe?

No, uh... Sometimes Kitty, sometimes me, it's...

Really a case of first up, best dressed.

And are Rocky and Kitty friends?

No way. No, they hate each other.

And I can't stand either of them.

We are not what you would call one big happy family.

I see.

For one thing, Rocky is always getting into fights.

Look at that.

And as for Kitty...

What does she do?

Excuse me.

Smokes like a chimney.

And you have no warning, when they coming on.

Gosh, nope. I'm usually the last one to know.

Different things seems to bring them on, different times.

Poppycock...

Would Rocky mind if I smoked?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'd mind. I'd mind plenty.

But if you want a cigarette,

then you, you have.

Cigarette.

Want some more?

Take it easy, doc.

That was Rocky.

So I gathered...

I trust you left me one cigarette.

Will you look at this ridiculous clothes.

I look like Judy Garland.

You're new?

I wish somebody would tell that cheap hoodlum out there...

I am sick and tired of his constant brawling.

Do you hear? Sick, Sick, Sick.

You have a kind face.

How was your session, Walter?

Crowded.

How was yours?

Not bad. You know, Dr. Segal's a nice guy,

but he wants me to take one of those, wedding concourses.

Memory course.

Yeah. Memory course.

You know I might not have total recall but I don't think I need, uh...

- What do you call it? - Memory course.

Yeah memory... You know, you don't have to repeat yourself, Charlie.

I'm sorry, Charlie.

Thanks, Dibley.

So long, Charlie.

Yeah, we'll see you Thursday, Walter.

See you, Walter.

Oh!

Good bye, Mrs. Swaboda.

Good morning, man.

Rocky was first up, huh?

Are you, Rocky?

Oh, not at the moment.

Pardon.

He is not around right now,

but I can help you. Is it about a tour?

When I called up I spoke to Rocky.

He said he was the Hollywood specialist

and I shouldn't talk to anybody else here.

Uh, but I can set the whole thing up for you.

Hotels, studio tours, TV tickets.

Well, I'll just check back later.

But wait...

- Oh, good morning. - Is Kitty in?

Well, she hasn't shown up yet.

Well, when is she due?

It's anybody's guess.

But if it is about a trip to Hollywood I can help you.

I spoke to Kitty on the phone.

She said, she was the expert.

I shouldn't deal with anyone else.

Well, she would say.

But I have all the facts for you right here.

No. I'll drop in again.

But wait.

We have two new clients today, Mom.

We'll share them. Okay?

- Mr. Swaboda? - Yes.

We are the McNultys.

Oh. Come in. Come in.

Step this way, please.

My mother will see you.

Mr. and Mrs. McNulty.

Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Freeman?

That's right.

Mr. Freeman?

- Okay, come right in. - Okay.

Well, obviously you are here because the matrimonial path is...

Become a little shaky, correct?

Shaky?

On a Richter Scale it would be a nine.

What seems to be the problem?

You're looking at it.

He comes home drunk and beats up on me.

He comes home sober and beats up on me.

His bookie get's his paycheck...

And when he's not out with the boy's all night,

he's out with the girls all night.

He swears at my mother.

I ain't had a new dress in ten years.

And if I cook something which he don't like,

he throws at my face.

Hmm.

I'd like to hear your side of it, Mr. Freeman.

That is my side of it.

Oh.

So, Mr. Swaboda.

What do you think?

Can this marriage be saved?

Frankly, I don't see how.

Oh! Thank God.

What are we doing here, John? I love you.

- You know, it was all my fault. - No, no. It was mine.

I was a crazy fool.

I can't thank you enough.

You made two people, very happy.

That's what we're here for.

Well, mom. You did it again.

- Good morning, Bruce. - Hi, Lorry. Hi.

Oh!

Good morning.

Hi.

- Mr. Peters. - Dibley.

Hi, how was the clinic?

Boring.

Tie me up, will you?

I got to earn some money.

Darling.

Concentrate, will you?

I love having you work here...

But I don't want you to lose the job.

Carol, when was the last time, I lost the job?

Day before yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

Look, honey. I'm gonna go out there today,

and I am gonna break every sales record they have in this place.

All right.

How about a chafing dish?

Chafing dish? What's a chafing dish?

Madam, good day. Could I have your attention one second?

Sir, sir. How about you? Can I have your attention just for one second?

- Yeah. - Come on, come over here.

I will show you something, you're not going to believe.

Do you pay big cleaning bills? I bet you do.

Would you like to get out from under? I bet you would.

Watch me. Come on everybody. Gather around here for just one second.

Come on. I'll show you something, you will not believe.

I am going to show you...

The Mac Beth spot remover.

It will save you a fortune and it works...

Just like a charm.

Sir, I am gonna ask you to do a big favor.

I don't know you. Do I?

I am gonna ask you to owe me your jacket.

You have my personal word of honor that I am gonna give it back to you,

just the way, you gave it to me.

He is a sport. How about a nice round of applause?

Thanks a lot. Okay.

You look like a busy business executive to me.

Let's say, you're having breakfast. What happens?

Some sloppy waitress, we've all had those sloppy waitress, huh?

She gets scrambled eggs,

all over your jacket.

Don't worry now. I don't want you to worry.

What happens at lunch? Some clown jogs your elbow.

And you're Bloody Mary...

All over the place.

Now you're walking back to work you have things on your mind.

What happens?

Some guy eating an ice cream cone runs right into you and gets...

Chocolate syrup all over the jacket.

Is the luck any better at your office? No.

Because your secretary gets a little too friendly.

Lipstick

all over...

Your beautiful jacket.

Now, ladies and gentleman.

This is what I call,

a class A stain. Look at that stain.

A dry cleaner will charge you at least...

Seven dollars to get this out.

But you don't have to go to a dry cleaner, right, sir?

Right.

What are you gonna use, instead?

The Mac Beth spot remover.

What?

The Mac spot remover.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Get the stain out of my jacket.

If I were you, I'd sent it to the dry cleaner.

But that will cost me, seven bucks.

That's outrageous. Isn't it?

Just a minute.

You get that stain out.

Me?

What kind of stain is this?

Eggs, Bloody Mary, ice cream and lipstick.

What kind of work do you do?

Give it to me. I'll do it.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Wow. Looks like it's...

There.

Let me see that.

Wow! That's amazing.

Anybody know, where I can get this stuff?

So, how was your session, Charlie?

Oh, I don't know. That Dr. Segal is getting to be really a snob.

Today, he ignored mom, completely.

He can be pretty rude to.

You know what he said to me, when I went in for my session?

"Good morning, all!"

Uh-oh. Looks like there is an accident up there.

- Why don't we turn of here? - Don't look, mom.

Do you know where it goes to?

I think third street.

Hey... Want to change your luck?

Tough neighborhood.

Look, we are looking for Christian boulevard.

Can you help us out?

Sure, we can help you out.

We're just looking for...

Hey... Come on, let's see how you fly.

Come on, you look good back there.

Let's see what you look like, out here. Come on.

Just be in the car, Mom.

What are you doing?

Is Rocky around, Robert?

Hey, man. You ain't got... Here.

Don't curse in front of my mom.

This is your mother?

Coward, pushing a woman, how dare you?

This is your mother, huh?

Two stinking dollars, huh?

- You're gonna have to do a little bit better. - Sorry, that's all I have.

Now you listen, punk.

You get out of here,

or I'll put your head in that door,

and break your nose... Off.

Understand?

And if you don't give our wallets back we are going to call the...

- Call the, police. Yeah. - Police.

All right. Give us the wallets. And where's mother's purse?

All right, now, scram. All of you.

Come on, get in.

Excuse me Mrs. Swaboda.

Nice timing, Rocky.

Oh, he's gone again.

But we are lucky he showed up.

That kid was lucky.

- Kitty would have scratched his eyes out. - Yeah.

What a rude bunch.

- Everybody okay? - Yeah.

It wasn't Dibley's fault, Mom.

Car looks funny.

Boy! It sure does.

What the hell happened?

Oh! Would you look at that?

Grand Canyon.

It's a very big hole.

$25.

$25. That's not fair at all. How long would that take?

Just like that.

Can you fix it while we wait, sir.

Fix it?

No I mean, I'll take it of your hands,

for $25.

Just a minute. How much is it going to cost to get this car running again?

Buddy, I can't get it to crawl, for less than $1000.

$1000!

This car only cost 650.

What can I tell you? You totalled it.

No!

No, we didn't total it.

- City totalled it. - Yeah, the city.

There are potholes.

Well, go find, city hall.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Harriet can wear blue, but she just don't look good in green...

Miss, excuse me.

My garbage hasn't picked up in two weeks.

Window four.

- Green just ain't... - I have an alligator in my toilet.

Window four.

- She should stay with blue. You know what I mean? - Potholes!

Window number four.

Excuse me, I am very sorry.

- You were saying. - I said, Harriet don't wear green.

But that girl got a mind like...

Excuse us ladies. Excuse us. Can we see someone in charge?

Help you?

Yeah, you can help us. You can buy us a new car.

We just hit a pothole as big as a stripe mine.

Well, have you previously notified this office in writing

of the exact location of the pavement deterioration?

- Previously? Of course not. - We didn't know, we are going to hit it.

I am sorry but no claim can be considered...

Unless a complaint has been lodged prior to any damage done.

That's ridiculous.

That's the law.

- Dibley? - Hmm.

Hi.

Hi. I just got home to.

What do you do today?

- Huh? - Root beer?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Hmm?

What's wrong?

They killed our car.

- Who did? - The city.

We had a pothole.

Car was totalled.

Wow! Was anybody hurt?

Hmm.

Swaboda said, his mother has got whiplash.

Good luck with that one, in court.

I will tell you something. Mrs. Swaboda has got better shot in court

than we do.

We can't sue the city. Listen to this, Carol.

We can't sue the city because we dint previously complain,

about the pot hole, that we just hit.

That's ridiculous.

That's the law.

Oh! Well.

You know, it was an old car,

and it was getting kind of smelly.

We need that car to go to the clinic...

And more than that it's the principal of this thing.

If we wrecked the car that belonged to the city, we get arrested...

But when they wreck ours it's "Go away kid, you bother me."

That's not fair.

Is it, Carol?

No, it isn't. But what're you gonna do?

Nothing.

All day long at the store, I missed you.

It was long, long day.

Umm...

Should we have dinner before or after?

Before or after what?

Guess.

The ironing.

Move forward, darling.

Yes. Now, move backwards.

Uh-huh.

Now, move forward again.

Oh, yes.

It's all coming back to me now.

- Why do you always want to watch television afterwards?

'Cause it's not fine to watch during.

Oh, I love it when you talk dirty.

Oh, is there a good movie?

There's one on Channel 6

about the Japanese Navy capture of Wake Island in 1941.

Oh, I love stuff like that.

Just what we needed, Naval bombardment.

You're right. That's just what we need.

What?

To make the city buy us a new car.

You and the Japanese Navy?

We don't need them. We can do this ourselves.

Sorry, Mom, there out of sync. Just put a little cream in it.

- Uh, is anyone using that chair? - Of course.

Walter's late.

Let me cross, please!

Look, it's him now.

Oh!

Get off the street!

Yeah, you too, buddy!

Now, I think I've seen enough.

Please don't tell me, the hair is like that.

Sorry, fellas.

- Good morning, Walter. - Good morning.

Oh, Walter.

Morning, Mrs. Swaboda.

May I?

- Kitty gout up first this morning, huh? - Uh, didn't go to bed.

There was a part all night.

Sorry, I don't have any aspirin.

Hmm, maybe Kitty has some.

Okay, guys. I'll tell you why I called this meeting?

The city destroyed our car,

and we're supposed to just shrug it off, forget about it,

because of some insane law, right?

Well, that's not good enough for me.

- Not for me. - It stinks.

The facts are plain and simple.

Our car costs $650, the city owes us $650...

But they don't want to pay, so, what we gonna do?

We only have one alternative. We have to take the money from the city.

Well, how do you take money from the city?

Walter, I'm glad you asked me that question.

What was the question?

How do you take money from the city?

Good question, Charlie.

We have get hold of the, uh...

The guy who runs the city.

- The, uh, man in charge, the, uh... - Mayor!

Right! Mayor.

But the mayor's always surrounded by people.

He's got policemen, firemen, newspaper people.

You'll never get close to him.

We don't have to get close.

We can threaten them with naval bombardment.

You've got to be joking.

No.

You don't like it?

I think, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Well, sure, it's a little ridiculous

but that's just why it'll work. It's new, it's different.

Oh, it's different, all right.

Don't you guys realize what you're talking about is armed robbery?

- Armed robbery? - Wait a minute. They owe us money.

Yeah, not to mention, extortion.

The city wrecked our car.

Yeah.

I know they did but you still can't do this.

Don't... You'll be criminals.

- Criminals! - Criminals?

You... You really think so?

Yes.

We're not criminals.

- Carol, they're the ones that are criminals. - Right, exactly.

Charlie, are you in this too?

Yes.

Does your mother know?

She behind us 100 percent, Carol.

What about you, Walter?

I'm all for it.

Your minds are made up.

Yes.

There's no way that I can talk you guys out of it? No way.

Forget it. Don't try.

Okay, Count me in.

- Hey! - All right!

I wanted to do it, Carol! You'll never regret this!

This is going to be the biggest thing that's ever happened.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

- Dibley? - What?

The only reason I'm in on this is so that I can have some control.

What you mean "Control"?

I mean that if things start looking dangerous,

I have the right to call the whole thing off.

It's not dangerous.

Agreed?

Come on!

Agreed.

Okay.

Where do we start?

Okay. First we got to get the cannon.

From Sears?

Oh, that's not funny, Carol.

You get the cannon from the Dade County Armory.

To get into an armory, you have to be a soldier.

Charlie?

This is a surprise bag's Inspection, recruits!

Attention!

Hab-ba-hab-ba.

Hey, what do you think?

- It's great! - Oh, you look cute but who're you supposed to be.

Well, what does it look like? I'm Miami's most decorated soldier.

I'm gonna tell them the National Guard is having a recruiting drive,

and we need a cannon for publicity.

That'll never work.

Oh, yes. It will, Carol. You just wait.

When you see me next time, it gonna be... Mission accomplished.

About face!

Oh, my God! I've been drafted.

Oh, no. Not now.

Believe me. It always happens at the worst time.

Squadron, halt!

Parade, brusque!

- You look nice, Charlie. - Not bad.

- Good one. - Yeah.

Mum, how's that whack uniform fit?

So, where it'll be, Sarge? A track, a bar, a massage parlor?

- Uh, Dade County Armory, please. - Yeah, that's good too.

Here you are...

Buy yourself a new cigar.

- Downtown, you seemed different. - Oh, yeah?

Well, travel is very broadening.

Yeah, hold it...

I'm looking for your man.

Inside. First office on the left.

Here, you are...

For your trouble.

Your boss around, kid?

May I tell him who's here?

Yeah, General MacArthur.

Uh, yes, sir. Right this way, sir.

-You can wait in the colonel's office. -All right.

Come in! Come in.

- Colonel Jason? - Yeah.

There's someone in your office who says he's a general.

A general? Here?

Yes, sir. He's wearing about two pounds of medals!

Take over here, Sparks.

Huh... A general.

Uh, general...

Hello, soldier.

Didn't we meet at the Stage Door Canteen?

Oh, come on, fellas.

Don't feel bad. You gave it your best shot.

Look, I'm gonna grab this bus.

Watch your step, Mom.

Come on, Mum.

Cheer up, Dibley. Hey, come on.

Let's go away, okay? We could go Italian.

Italian...

You know, all the pasta.

Salad. We'll open that bottle of wine. Hmm?

You know, pasta turns you on.

We'll go back to the house, cook... The music.

Dibley?

Dibley?

Ah, it's a tank!

Come on, Carol!

- Dibley, are you crazy? - Stop it.

No! Wait... Wait...

- Follow that tank! - Which tank?

The green one.

All right.

That's it!

We hit the jackpot.

Look at all those cannons. No one will ever miss one.

Forget it. There are too many people.

Look at all the armed guards and what about this fence here?

Oh, come on. Dibley, let's go home. Please?

Wonder what time they break for lunch.

Beats me.

Didn't you were say something about an Italian lunch?

Oh, come on, no.

I can't eat that stuff. It gives me gas.

Hey, give me one of both of your cookies.

Is the coffee any good today?

When was it good?

You know something? I got to compliment you.

We're watching your lunch hour. You swing a mighty mean crane.

- Uh, thank you very much. - Hi.

- Would you like a hot dog? - Uh, no.

- Come on, we had two already. Go ahead. Feel free. - Okay.

Thank you very much.

Can I talk to you in private for a second?

Mr. Uh...

Kendall. Randall Kendall.

Randall Kendall. That's a good solid American name.

- Do I look like a regular guy to you, Mr. Kendall? - Sure.

- I'm not. - Huh?

I work for secret agency of the United States government.

- You mean, like the CIA or something? - No, sir.

DIA?

No.

NSA?

We're so secret, we don't have any initials.

Sir, these arms you're loading, you know where they're going?

Uh, they don't give me that information, sir.

They're going to the Soviet Union.

Russkies are getting it?

Shh!

The company you're working for,

is secretly supplying arms to the Soviet Union.

- That's treason! - That's right, sir,

so this is gonna be bigger than a water gate, and you...

Mr. Randall Kendall can help us break it, wide open.

- Oh, what can I possibly do, sir? - We need hard evidence.

We need one of those cannons.

Right! That's what we need.

That's right. Where can I get a hold of you, sir?

- I can give you my number. - That's good.

Write it down, Mr. Kendall, you're a patriotic American.

- I'm gonna be calling you tonight. - Okay, what's your name?

What is...

I get it. Your name is a secret too.

Don't worry, I'll recognize your voice.

God bless you, sir.

Let's go. I got his number.

You also got his lunch.

Well what now?

I'm gonna call Walter and Swaboda to have meet us on West Flagler.

What are we gonna do on West Flagler?

- Uh-huh! - Hmm?

Well, I'm sorry, we're late, but I took mum to a dance class.

- Jazz? - Hey, don't worry, you made it.

- Yeah, that's great news about the cannon. - Yeah.

- Do you really think, we could get one? - I'm positive...

What we do need though, is something to pull it.

I figured, if we get a car from one of these lots around here,

we could take it out for like a... Trial spin.

A long one.

- Hey. - Relax. We're gonna bring it back... Eventually.

- I like it. - I love it.

- I hate it. - Let's do it.

- Yeah! - No!

I'll get a cab to take us to West Flagler.

- Taxi! - Dibley?

Dibley?

What?

We're on West Flagler.

How much do I owe you?

That's it. The Jeep.

It's got a tow bar.

It's perfect.

It's better than perfect. The keys are in it. I bet.

- Come on, Carol, hop in. Come on. - No.

Umm...

Oh!

That's the shortest test drive on record.

Folks, you've come to just the right place.

Hey, that's a fine vehicle you got.

Unfortunately, I've one just like it somewhere on the lot.

But you look like such fine folks. Watch this.

I'm gonna offer you 1500 bucks...

Cash on the barrel.

Okay.

Hey, Benson, over here!

Uh, boss, I got to go.

Well, here comes Betty with the money.

Just give her this. She'll take care of the paperwork for you.

Take care.

Thank you.

Folks!

You know your cars. Run you for life, this baby.

And because it happens to be today's red ticket special,

I can let you have it for $1600.

- How about $1400? - 15.

Okay.

I was there. I still don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it, Carol. It's all coming together.

We got the Jeep. We got the gun.

We don't have a single problem now.

- We got problem. - Good.

I just spoke to Kendall, the crane operator.

- He's pointing something out. - Is there dressing in this salad?

Yeah, we're all set for tomorrow,

but if I want to see the size of the gun, it's over.

It's going to be 2000 stevedores on that dock.

You forgot tomatoes.

Oh, yeah.

How can we get 2000 stevedores to look the other way for three minutes.

Oh, the only thing I know that would distract them is a naked girl.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. N-O.

Absolutely, categorically, no!

Yeah, yeah. That's perfect.

Just perfect.

First we rented army uniform and this, now, the boat.

This thing is costing us a fortune!

You relax, Carol. You're gonna get it all back.

At least we didn't have to rent the Jeep.

- Oh, that's true. We stole that. - Borrowed it.

I'll take it back tomorrow.

All right, guys. Be careful with that.

All right. Let's synchronize our watches.

I've 9:57 a.m.

I've 10:03 a.m.

- What time do you have, Dibley? - I don't have a watch.

10 o'clock. Let's just call it 10 o'clock.

- Okay, 10 o'clock. - Okay, yeah.

Okay, at that's 60 minutes to zero hour.

- Good luck, Dibley. - Good luck, Charlie.

- Carol. - Walter.

Thanks. Bye. You too.

Good luck.

I got something for you.

What is it?

Just try it on.

Oh, Dibley.

Come on, take it up!

Okay, I'll un-sling the cannon.

You hit it to the tow bar, and we both get to the back seat.

Well, somebody's got to drive.

My mum's got a license.

Great.

I'll drive.

Gentlemen, are you tired paying big cleaning bills?

Of course, you are. Well, I'll show you guys a way to get out from under.

- What're you talking about? - No more...

Gentlemen!

Tonight, and every night, the Club... Represents.

NASA Stripperama.

Fifteen, beautiful girls, every night of the week.

This is the big show. The hot show.

This is the exact show that everyone is talking about.

What a theater!

What a pleasure! What delight!

Yes, sir, it's a great show! I'm gonna give you a little preview.

Because here she is from Cleveland.

The blonde bombshell herself,

- Miss. Shaker Heights. - Come on, a round of applause!

- That's it! - Yay!

Shake it...

Take it off!

Come on, Carol, take it off.

It's stuck.

- What do you mean "stuck"? - Just take it off.

Take the freaking thing off!

I'm trying to take the freaking thing off!

Ah, ah, ah. Ah!

We did it, Walter.

Let's go.

Good God!

-You don't expect me to drive this stick shift, do you? -Oh, no, you kidding.

Why couldn't it be Rocky?

Rocky.

- All that gangster can drive is a getaway car. -This is a getaway car!

All right, come on, Kitty. Come on, Kitty, move over.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no, my hair is a mess.

My nails are distraught.

I don't know why I got into this.

Umm...

- Yay! - Get in.

- We got it. - It's over at mom's.

You guys are fantastic.

We could've done without you too.

- Boy, it must have been some bumping, huh? - Hi, Carol.

She killed them. Come on, we got a lot to talk about.

Let's get something to eat.

No, you guys go ahead.

I'm just, uh, gonna go inside and scream for a while.

Come on, let's go. She's just a little upset.

Take me to the, uh...

The armored truck meets up at the bank.

The car will wait here...

Turns into the... And goes uptown.

This where we hit it... At eighth street.

- Why there? - Cause that's where the machine is.

There's only one real trick to take on an armored truck.

You got to get the doors open in a hurry.

Hey, you thought of everything, boss.

Except one thing.

What?

Cops. We'll need a diversion.

Diversion.

- Don't worry, boss. You'll think of something. - Diversion.

Diversion, Louie.

I don't see how we can miss.

We got the car and, now, we got the cannon.

Yes, but we still need the boat.

I saw something that's perfect.

We can drive a cannon, ride onto it,

and it's available every half hour.

It'll be in our own ferry.

That's great.

Now, all we have to do is find out when the mayor's home.

- Tomorrow! - How you know that?

Um, I read in the newspaper.

He's giving a luncheon, I think, some out-of-town group.

That's perfect. Money is good as ours.

Dibley.

You forgot something.

- What? - Further down.

My shoes.

Right.

What do you think... get their money back from the mayor?

Taxes, what else?

Who cares?

If they're really gonna do it, we'll get that armored truck and the platter.

What about timing?

It's perfect.

When they hit the mayor, they're luncheon.

Every cop in town will be at his place

what? About 2:00, 2:30.

That truck reaches eighth street at 2:45.

That will give us a nice, clear field.

- Huh? - You wanted a diversion.

It could be we got ourselves a beauty!

Hi, Carol.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

What'd the police say?

We didn't go to the police. We went to see Randall Kendall, the crane operator.

Oh, good. You took the gun back, huh?

Are you kidding? We're going through with this.

Goddamns! We went through all this last night.

Once you tell the police what those crooks are planning,

they'll tell them what you're planning.

I know that. That's exactly why we're not gonna tell the police.

We're not even gonna get close to them.

You mean, you're gonna let those people rob an armored truck?

No, we're not.

We're gonna stop them ourselves.

As soon as we get our money back from the mayor.

But those are real crooks.

You guys are going up against an armed gang!

We were not the only ones that are gonna be armed, Carol.

- Yeah. Look. - Look at these.

Look what we got from Mr. Kendall.

- What do you think? - That's it.

That is it. Excuse me.

- It's over! - Huh?

-I'm calling the whole thing off. -What do you mean?

Why?

Why?

Oh, I don't know. I'm guess, I'm just frightened.

Look.

I went into the river so that you guys could boost a gun, okay.

That's one thing.

But to expect me to help you fire it is something else.

The whole thing is off!

Off? What do you mean?

Why?

No, it isn't.

But you agreed I can pull the plug if things got out of control!

Yeah, but nothing has... Everything is under control.

Dibs.

Just look up there.

See, you guys, brought home a live artillery shell in a racket ball bag.

Yeah.

That's not all we brought home.

Yeah. Wait, till you see this, Carol.

What's that?

Oh!

You were in the Army. Now you're in the Navy.

Coast guard...

-I have your costume right in here. -Am I in the coast guard too?

No, silly.

Your job is to pick up the money from the mayor...

So, we got a costume that you stand out in.

You know, so he can't mistake you.

Oh, he couldn't mistake me.

All he has to do is look for a woman whose mind is hanging by a thread.

- Carol. - When is this gonna take place?

In four hours.

Dibley, you got it up here.

-That sign was a great idea too. -It could be worse.

We're about to find out.

Hey, that was a good movie.

Okay, the next ferry is ours, that's at one.

Let's say it takes us 10 minutes to grab it.

What about 30 minutes to sail to Star island?

That's about 15 minutes to convince the mayor

and 30 minutes for the trip back... That's back here at 2:30, okay?

It could be tight, we're supposed to hit the armor truck at 2:45.

We'll have plenty of time, as long as the four of us, work as a team.

Charlie.

Are you sure your mum should come?

I mean, stick-up's no place for a woman.

Kitty will probably be there.

Benerke landing, Benerke.

Get your hands away from the rails,

and wait to disembark till the gate has been lifted.

Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

Let's go, come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Okay, let's do it.

Would you hold it right there? Just hold it, thank you.

Dibley, switch on the ignition.

The ignition, right.

No, no, no the key.

The key, right.

All right, now put the gear stick in the first.

Oh, sure, put the gear stick in the first.

When do I push to second?

Wait for me.

What the hell is going on? Keep this rig moving.

Could you please close that barrier, it's an emergency.

Just get it out of here, will you.

- There's no need to shout, just close that barrier... - Hey, look admiral, move it!

Doing it again, shut up!

I'm sorry folks, this is an official emergency.

- You will have to wait for the next ferry. - When's that?

Coastguard, Captain, don't let any passengers on.

Why, what did they do?

This is an emergency, give the order, please.

Hold the traffic coming in.

So, what's up?

I'm afraid, Captain, there's a serious outrage of yellow fever.

Right on Wolf island.

Gives us no choice, but to quarantine this ferry.

You can't do that, I got orders.

Sir, if you take this boat out one more time today,

you could be subjecting the city of Miami, to a hideous epidemic,

of hideous proportions.

They got alligators, hurricanes, tourists,

they ain't even going to notice an epidemic.

I'm sorry, Captain.

Taking all I'm going to from you sailor,

now, move it.

Now, you thought it would be easy meat, eh?

You think you're pretty good with your dukes, eh?

What do you know, you ferry-boat-fairy?

I'm terribly sorry, I have this condition, you see that...

You don't leave me now!

Captain, there is just one more thing.

The Mayor is naturally very concerned about the epidemic threat,

he has insisted on seeing the ferry personally.

However, he's tied up right now, so...

Before we go to quarantine,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind popping up the bait in the Mayor's house.

Everything ok, Charlie?

Fine.

I think.

That cheap hoodlum...

Will you look at this? I must look like a battered wife.

You can't go in there.

And why not?

Because, mom's in there.

I only wish to use the mirror.

Well, mom's always been pretty broadminded.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

We're in big trouble.

- Why? - Come here.

I can't find my ticket.

We didn't buy a ticket.

Then we're really in trouble.

Captain, as soon as we get opposite the residence,

would you mind swinging the boat around, so that the mayor can see it's empty.

Anything for the mayor.

-A Nice lunch, Mr. Mayor. -Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Would you like some coffee?

Yes, I would.

You're from New York, right?

Yes.

- The Bronx. - Oh.

How do you like Miami?

Oh, it's great.

Except I keep getting mugged all the time.

Oh, in this city?

Yes, Your Honor.

When I got off the plane, a guy stole my watch.

Back at the hotel, that dude in the elevator took my wallet,

and a room service waiter, held me up for my electric razor.

Oh, that should have never happened to you in Miami.

You're right, Mr. Mayor, I can get all that back at home.

Well, we do have our occasional incidents, every now and then, but...

Nothing like what you described.

Well, I'm happy to hear that, Mr. Mayor,

frankly I was beginning to think that everybody in this town was a mugger.

No.

Mr. Mayor.

Excuse me.

You must come to safety, Sir, there's a man on the end of the island,

threatening your life with a gun.

I hardly think I'm in any danger if I'm here and a man with a pistol,

is on the end of the island.

You don't understand, Sir,

they're anchored right off the front lawn, they've got an army cannon.

Who are they? Can you see?

Two sailors, Sir, they had a sign,

but all I could read was the word "Realto".

They're Cuban navy.

What do they want? Did they say?

They said something about money.

This is the mayor speaking.

We won't pay a penny more than half a million.

How much?

How much do they want?

650 dollars.

Plus some out of pocket expenses.

I'm adding to exactly, 92 dollars and 43 cents.

I assume you're not doing this out of sheer greed.

We're doing it because our car was totaled in one of your potholes...

And your bureaucrat just...

One of our potholes wrecked their car.

But, we can't pay them, Mr. Mayor.

We can't give into blackmail.

What if we said yes?

We'd pay them ourselves, out of our own pockets...

We could come out of this smelling like a rose.

Would you be open to a deal?

What kind of deal?

We can get your money,

but you don't breathe a word of how you got it.

- We won't. - No!

What happened was I heard about your car,

and touched by your bad luck, tracked you down,

and reimbursed you myself.

That's the story I'll give to the press.

Oh I get it, you score some points, and we get our money back.

Okay, you got yourself a deal.

Have the money at the ferry landing, in exactly 30 minutes.

Put it in a shopping bag, and a woman's going to pick it up.

Well, how will I know her?

All right, I'll be there.

How brilliant, Sir.

Fantastic, Sir.

But, now, we got to get the money together.

I've got 45 dollars.

I've got 60.

Right, now get the rest of the staff in here.

Good news, Captain, the Mayor just told me that it's not yellow fever.

No quarantine?

No quarantine.

Full speed ahead, Bradshaw, and damn the torpedoes.

Thanks.

Emanuel.

Fifi.

Thank you, Gunther.

Marianne...

-Brian. -We're still about 10 dollars short, Mr. Mayor.

But... This is worth about 80 dollars, Sir.

Oh, thanks, O'Brian.

I think the people we're dealing with, have all the guns they need.

Well, there's only one thing for it...

I'll have to borrow it from one of the guests.

I'm awfully sorry to bother you, but, can I ask you a big favor?

Let me have 10 dollars.

Sure.

No problem.

Take it all.

Oh, no, no, no.

Just the 10, you're very kind.

Even the Mayor.

We did it!

Money's on the way to the terminal.

Okay, now comes the hard part.

Yeah, the armored car.

Ten after two.

10 after, we're gonna really have to hurry.

Sure you know what you're doing?

I ought to. I've been doing it for 10 years.

Maybe you haven't done it to an armored truck before.

An armored truck, a building, what's the difference?

Okay, wait for my signal.

Is this going to work?

Them armored trucks, are as tight as a can of beans.

So, we got a big can opener.

14 minutes.

13 minutes.

Come on, come on.

I just hope we can recognize the pickup.

I don't think we're going to have any problem.

God be with you.

I take that you are with the pothole people.

Oh, yes!

Give her the money.

You sure you with them?

Why, do you see another skating nun?

There she is, easy now, I'm going to get close...

- Yeah we did it. - I got it.

Thanks, you make a very good nun.

What's their rush, we had a deal?

They're on their way to a robbery.

-How many do they do a day? -No, no, they're gonna try and stop one.

I don't know if they can handle it.

Well, in that case, we better help them out, come on.

Let me get the gun.

Who the hell is that?

It's those guys from the highlight, move it.

Come on, hurry up.

Here they are, right on schedule.

We got here just in time.

Come on, come on, move.

Stay on their tail, Dibley.

Something isn't right.

Oh, it's the cops, step on it.

I'll get some back up.

No, let's do it ourselves.

Try to get in front of them, Dibley we'll stop them with our cannon.

Right.

My God, they've called out the navy.

Well, we just missed it by one.

-Just got to get in front of them. -You can do it, Dibley.

What?

The armored car!

Right, get in front of them.

I think they're going to make a right.

Okay, hold on, here we go again.

That's great!

There goes the Navy.

This is where we came in.

Well, that's okay, Dibs!

I wonder where this goes.

Airport.

Oh!

What are you doing?

It's the mayor.

Howdy!

You jackass, will you move?

...any money?

Oh, yeah!

What are you doing?

Police.

Coast guard.

Mayor.

Oh, no!

What?

Oh, come on, what next?

We've got them.

We've got them.

I think we got them.

Got us.

Don't worry, we're in an armor truck, they can't touch us.

You're under arrest, come on out with your hands up.

Sorry, we're closed.

Na, na, you can't get in.

Hey why'd we stop?

Hey, look what the guard left behind.

They're taking the over pass. Now's your chance, Dibley.

Hang on!

I lost them.

Found them.

All right, go slow, let them get ahead.

What are they doing?

- I don't know, but I'm going to stop them. - Atta boy, Dibs.

Stay with them, I think they're up to something.

My God, I think they've all gone out of gas at the same time.

No, it's no good, get going, move.

Take a left, take a right, take something.

We're taking the train.

Stay with them.

I meant on the road, get off the tracks.

-Will you get this thing off the tracks? -I can't.

We've got to get ahead of them on those tracks.

Make contact...

Never again, not with you.

Oh, no, not now.

Grab the wheel, grab the wheel.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Mums hat blew off.

I told you not to bring her.

Grab hold of Walter, Mrs. Swaboda.

Walter, that builds up, things get a little dangerous,

and he runs off like a fighting bunny rabbit.

Grab hold of... Mrs. Swaboda.

What's going on over there?

I think Dibley has forgotten how to drive,

and either rocky or kitty has taken over Walter,

and something must have happened to Mrs. Swaboda.

What's that?

Hold steady, okay, Charlie, give me the shell.

Let's say I like being in the business in this, little pumpkin.

-I think, they'll blow us away. -Na, they're bluffing.

Oh, my God.

Okay you guys, this one's, for Swaboda's mother.

Ah, nuts.

You're all right?

Oh, sure.

Okay, it's all over.

We're going to prison, and you're eating bananas...

Dibley.

Dibley, oh, oh...

Are you all right?

I'm fine, thank you sister.

Oh, he's all right!

His Honor.

I'd like to thank all of you, for your help.

No hard feelings Your Honor?

On the contrary, the city owes you a deep debited gratitude.

We can keep the money?

Oh, absolutely.

Thank you.

You're Carol.

Oh, Dibley.

Well... City hall... What did the car cost?

The guy wanted 650 dollars for it,

but, Dibley, gave him a take it or leave it offer.

So what'd you get it for?

655.

Look out ahead.

Oh, no!

- Watch out, Dibley, watch out! - Dibley!

Wow, your driving has improved.

- What about your other difficulties? - I'm cured, Carol.

Really I am, 100 percent.

Honestly, no more problems?

I haven't had any symptoms.

That's wonderful darling.

- You okay, Charlie? - Yeah.

- Walter? - Yeah.

Honey.

What do you say, guys?

We still have the uniforms.

Carol?

- You coming? - Come on, Carol.

Step.

This time I have a plan.

We need a better boat.

This time we won't bother with City Hall.

No nuns, no skates, no strippers.