Original subtitles

- Hello? - Is it recording?

Yes! It says, "Please, wait."

- Okay. - And it's started,

because the red light is on and it's recording.

THIS FILM IS THE CONVERSATION I NEVER HAD WITH MY GRANDMOTHERS

THE WOMEN WHO TOLD THEIR STORIES PREFERRED ANONYMITY

Better like this, so they don't recognise me,

so I can talk freely.

I didn't know I was so shy around this topic.

Imagine having sex at this age.

Can you imagine?

It would be like the first time, I imagine.

It's now closed. Now, if I find myself an old man,

it would be like putting a marshmallow in a piggy bank.

Great. Okay, let's freshen you up. Here.

- How do you feel? - Okay.

Hey, guys.

This way, please.

Silence, please. Let's go, guys. Everyone, ready to shoot.

Come on, please.

Let's go.

This way, please.

Okay, silence, please.

Great, ready. Sound.

Scene one, shot one, take one.

- Camera? - Set.

Thank you.

Action!

I'm a normal woman,

full of dreams, of goals.

Some fulfilled, others not.

This year, I turn 71.

They say I don't look it. Well...

my body knows my age.

Being a woman is lovely.

I always thank God for not having been born male.

Being a woman is beautiful.

But...

there's also an ugly side to it - you're very vulnerable.

I spent some of my youth growing up on my dad's farm.

In a remote place. No electricity, no water.

Mum and I washed our clothes in a trough.

We bathed at least twice a day in the river.

I grew up surrounded by pigs...

and chickens.

My mother had 300 pigs and 600 chickens.

When one of them got injured, we'd kill it,

and everyone ate pork.

The world was...wonderful.

I thought everyone was good, that everyone loved me.

But I had to negotiate certain things to be accepted,

and that's when the "buts" began.

But I was a very innocent, very naive girl,

And still today, after all these years,

at times, I turn into that little girl, you know?

I'm not dependent on anything nor anyone.

I wanted to be loved with sweetness and tenderness.

I didn't achieve that when I was young.

I wanted to be able to enjoy sex like my sisters told me.

It sounded so hot.

But I couldn't.

Another thing I wanted were very big breasts...

..but Nature had other plans.

I didn't suffer for that because they were small, but pretty.

They're still pretty.

I always lived with my husband...

until he passed.

He was very horny. Too horny, in fact.

I've been alone now for about 11, 12 years,

alone in the company of God.

That makes you calm down.

Unless a crazy man approaches me...

..and wakes me up again.

And I won't call anyone to come and help me...

..to put out the fire I have inside.

A fireman! I need a fireman!

I can't have coffee

Because coffee keeps me awake

I can only have tea (you) because tea (you) makes me sleepy

In fact, I had tea (you), and it tasted so sweet

I'd spend all day, I'd spend all day

Having tea (you), having tea (you).

Loneliness was hard because it meant facing up...

to myself, to my shadow.

I believe that, if one is alive,

one needs sex.

But there's no-one around.

We were ten when we met,

and we fell in love with each other...

..but neither told the other that they were in love.

Mum, the boy next door needs a cup of sugar.

- You're Tere's son. - Uh-huh.

Is half a cup enough?

It was platonic love,

and it lasted seven years.

I can't have coffee because coffee keeps me awake

I can only have tea (you)

Because tea (you) makes me sleepy

The tea leaves,

Such medicinal herbs

I'd spend all day, I'd spend all day

Having tea (you), having tea (you)...

What a drag that they didn't let us go, right?

Yeah.

I remember he gave me a piece of paper.

Inside, there was a sweet he'd been sucking...

- Hey, cousin! - Mm.

It smells really good.

That was like a test for our love.

It was like a distance kiss, a virtual kiss.

If he had sucked the sweet, and I had just sucked it,

that was a kiss, an exchange of saliva.

- Hey, what's wrong? - Oh, nothing.

And I held on to that piece of paper very excitedly

because I liked the boy.

No-one will find out.

And the note said

if I wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with him.

Coming!

I said, "Coming!" and ran out.

And there was the boy, happy and waiting for me.

And we got on the Ferris wheel.

It was very little, but for us it was huge.

And it was, "takatakataka,"

because I didn't know if it was operated manually.

The man saw us,

and did us a favour by leaving us at the top.

Oh, look, for me it was like...

We held on to the other's little finger...

and that was...

a sign of love.

I felt butterflies in my tummy

and heat around my ears, and...

When I looked, oh Jesus!

There was no way out,

because as the wheel reached the bottom, my mother was there, too.

- It was mathematical. - Get down from there!

The boy, like a proper gentleman, disappeared.

Didn't even say goodbye, and he was off.

To hit me, she had a self-made whip,

like those used to hit horses.

What a whip she had!

No, it's not that I feel old...

..but life starts putting the brakes...

on things.

Oh, the menopause was difficult for me.

The moods,

the intolerance, the discomfort,

the impatience.

I didn't feel at all good during the menopause.

And my libido went down.

Yes, I was ill at ease.

And, obviously, when you have less hormones,

old age is near, and you start to notice it.

You face up to the reality

that you're now over the hill.

I've always told my eldest daughter, Mamita, look, when I die,

you need to be careful, you have to paint my nails, please.

"Mamita, look, when I die, you need to be careful..."

My hairdresser must be there.

And I don't want to be cremated, I want to be whole.

And with earrings, please, because if there's an afterlife,

and we meet, you'll pay for this.

When you're older...

you start preparing the journey towards your funeral.

You become kinder when you're older,

because if you stay as you are,

not even flies will come to your funeral.

I'd love to die like my grandmother.

She sat in a rocking chair in the living room of the old house,

and she told my mum, "I fancy a Coke,"

and Mum was surprised.

She was 83.

Mum gave her a glass of Coke,

and she drank it.

And while Mum went to get her some more,

when she came back, grandma was on the other side, sleeping.

Right there, sitting down.

That's what I'd like,

if you're allowed to make wishes.

Recently, I've been thinking...

..that...

solitude is a bit hard.

"Why don't we go out for some coffee?"

"Why don't we go out for some coffee?"

What for? I have coffee here at home.

The skin becomes...

like an onion.

It wrinkles, you get stains, warts.

Your features change, your eyes close.

And I had big eyes.

I'm so old!

No, no, it must be the light. Of course it's the light!

What I'm most afraid of at this age

is that something might happen to me while I'm alone,

and that, for some reason, I can't call anyone,

or I can't locate the people I'm calling,

and I am all alone.

It's one of the things I'm scared of.

I'm alive,

- and while I'm alive... - I'm alive...

- ..I won't be an old lady. - ..and while I'm alive,

I won't be an old lady.

No!

Once, my nan sent me to work in a house.

I was 11.

And when I was working, I saw that they took the girls out.

And the two remained, and they called me into the bedroom.

And they lay down...

and they started having sex, and I was watching.

And I was nervous.

Then, I was sent to wash him.

She said, "Wash him properly down there."

And me, with my small hands, I washed him there.

I never told anyone.

Not my mother, no-one. No, I kept that to myself.

And then, you keep quiet,

because the aggressor always says...

"You can't tell anyone, because no-one will listen."

"They'll tell you you're a bad little girl."

When prayers are said in church,

like the Penitential Act and others,

you have to say,

"Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault."

You hit your chest.

I don't know, afterwards, I was thinking,

what am I guilty of?

There are many kinds of roots, but generally they go underground.

Some are hidden...

..and they extend,

and the root of a tree can move a house or lift a pavement.

Guilt is like that.

They taught us that we were guilty of so many things.

But they never taught us to deal with that guilt.

At my age, I see images like in a projector

where I asked for forgiveness

because I was guilty of being beaten.

It's the stupidest thing there is, and the most illogical, in today's world.

But, in that moment, I said, "Oh, God.

"Yes, I did that thing, I did that other.

- "Of course, that's why he got mad!" - That's why he got mad.

But if I go further,

when I was assaulted in other ways, since I was a little girl...

..and I wanted to report the case...

..the first thing they said to me was,

"What were you doing to arouse those desires in your cousin,

"or in your uncle?"

"You must have been very flirty."

So, if they touched me, if they sexually assaulted me...

.."Well, you must have been to blame."

So, "I'm prettier with my mouth shut, I'm better off not talking."

So, you keep it all to yourself...

..and I said, "Well, no, it was probably my fault,

"I probably wore a very short dress, that must be it."

It must be, it must be.

And you start to think things through... and to think you're to blame.

And, of course, it was my fault.

I remember that, for many years,

to avoid receiving dirty compliments,

or worse still, like men touching me and things like that,

I had to avoid showing myself off.

Not showing off meant in the way I dressed,

so I had to wear long dresses, all buttoned-up,

turtlenecks, things like that.

So, I went around with armour on, towards anyone...

..who wanted to demonstrate some love.

Still, when I remember,

I resent that...

why didn't they listen to me?

Why didn't you listen?

Time is like a bubble.

Because time is not linear.

The fact that memories exist...

..means that, every now and then, we turn...

..or we move inside that bubble.

Mum, do you like it?

What are you doing with that? I've just ironed it.

- Time is like that. - Take off those shoes!

Personally, what's happening is that

although I don't have that much to do now,

I still don't have enough time.

So, I imagine there are elements,

like memories, that start to take up...

more of my day,

more of my time.

On this walk down memory lane...

..we can allow ourselves the luxury...

to pull out the weeds from the sides.

It's ready, tita, let's go!

It doesn't mean they won't come back at some point,

but, at least...

I feel like we can do it.

I have the images of my life,

and I see them with a certain nostalgia,

or with a certain tenderness,

or with understanding.

And sometimes, I fall in the trap

of wanting to...

manipulate my memories, you know?

- Can I look now? - No.

Sometimes, when we focus on a memory

that perhaps wasn't very nice...

- Can I look now? - No.

..and we suddenly develop a pain or discomfort.

- Mum, don't cheat. - And it's because of that,

because the memory is deep-rooted...

..and we transfer it to the body.

This way? Is it this way?

I've realised that through words,

and by throwing them out...

is like throwing out the trash.

I've been learning this little by little, you know?

No, thanks. I have food here at home.

I won't go out with anyone just for food.

I love tin boxes!

Being able to touch the material...

is like pressing a button,

and the recorder begins

and tells you the story.

Honey, come and meet him!

Hello.

Come and see him!

He's so tiny.

- Hello, my love! How are you? - Good!

- Oh, he's so cute! - Yes, yes.

- Careful. I'll leave this. - Can I hold him?

- Okay. - Can I hold him?

Okay, but come and learn how to do it, come and see.

Look, here is your sister.

I remember when my brother was born,

my mum gave him to me and said, "Hold him," as if he were a gift doll.

Look at the clothes I bought you.

We'll try them on.

Mum did some drawings for me and told me what men were like,

what women were like.

Or how babies are made.

No, what are you doing? Why are you taking off his clothes?

He'll catch a cold.

Only a little, and superficially.

And the famous seed that Dad put into Mum,

and I saw Mum like a plant pot.

- You can put them on him tomorrow. - Please, Mum.

Look, so you can learn. Hold his head here

and then your hands go here, and carefully.

Nan never talked about these topics.

She was all about praying.

And Adam and Eve and the original sin.

If you want, you can help me bathe him tomorrow, so you can learn.

Mum, I wanted him to try on some clothes today.

You can do it tomorrow, okay? I'll be right back.

Mum!

When I was a little girl,

I hung around with some older girls.

My mum told me to go with them to cross the streets.

They were chatting together.

I was listening, but I didn't know, and I said, "What's that?"

I was very afraid, and so...

Mum, I don't want to hang out with Flor's girls any more.

- Why? - No, I don't want to. They're bad girls.

Why?

Yes, they're very bad because they spill blood,

from where we pee.

Go and wash your hands. We're going to eat.

When my period came, I was very afraid,

because for some strange reason,

I thought it was blue.

I honestly thought I was going to die.

Silence!

Hello, girls!

I've come to talk to you about a very special moment.

The moment in which you go from being girls to women

and you become young ladies.

I remember that, sometimes, my mum,

because we didn't have Kotex,

would take some gauze, and we'd put some cotton wool,

and we'd put it in between our legs.

And there was nothing worse when we went out in April

to rehearse for the Juan Santa María parade,

with a very hot, very large uniform

and black tights from the nun's school...

..and I had to play the drum,

and I couldn't even march

because that wad that I carried in between my legs

was running everywhere.

So, I arrived

with a ball of cotton and gauze stuck here on my back.

You can use it four or eight hours, depending on the amount...

Now, now, girls.

Silence! Silence!

Give me that! Give me that note!

Ah, we also had to wash cloths in those days. Gross!

You start to feel like Tarzan's mum, you know?

I never went through major changes, I was always thin.

I saw that my friends all had growing breasts...

and they were getting yelled dirty things on the street.

And you kind of hoped someone said something to you, too.

At school, I remember the nuns talking to us...

..but that was like an anatomy class.

It was taboo. Sex was taboo.

Not just for the nuns, but for our parents, too.

Girls!

Actually, they never told us what a relationship with a man was like.

They just said random things...

- And here. - ..which meant,

"Be careful with men!"

What are you laughing at? Come on. What are you...?

Silence, silence!

There was a lot of fear...

..that the man would do something to you.

Who did you see, who did you see?

- Who were they? - Two boys.

Very handsome!

I remember that Mum...

..I was her only daughter, and she...

had many expectations about her daughter.

But I turned out quite different to what she wanted.

I swam, played baseball,

and...she didn't like it.

Just like a man, you'll grow muscles.

That was her concern.

It's been hard to unlearn...

..what I was taught...

with respect to what it means to be a woman.

It's been hard to learn...

that I'm not a woman, I'm a person.

In my heart,

I'm not one gender or another, I have no age,

and I'm what we all are, deep down.

Pig!

Bring the spoon to serve.

In those days, you had to obey your parents,

and there was no way out.

- That drawer. - Coming!

But I did it in total rebellion.

I did it with fury, angry.

- Bring the tray! - Yes, I'm doing it.

To have fun the way I wanted

had a very high price, which was guilt.

What's for dinner?

Bites and bits for inquisitive kids.

So, he can eat? Go, I'll call you when it's ready.

"So, he can eat?"

I told you to go, now go.

But why me? I always do it. Why not my brothers?

Bring me the rice!

Many people think that being a woman means to look pretty,

to wear make-up, and that's it.

But no. For me, being a woman means being...

strong,

sweet and passionate

in everything one does.

If you have sex,

then you must be the best lover under the sun.

Mm!

And the same if you're an enemy.

Be a strong, powerful enemy.

The dream of all the schoolgirls was to get married and have kids.

When you get married, make sure your husband likes you.

I used to draw my future husband and my future children

in my own way.

I thought that if I planned them, they'd come out just like I planned.

Would you like some more?

No, my love, thank you. Serve me.

I wanted my husband to be a worker, a labourer.

That's how I saw him.

I imagined him going to work and saying goodbye with a kiss.

And he'd come back with dirty clothes, and I'd wash them.

And the kids were beautiful,

all dressed-up, waiting for their dad.

That's where the story ended.

- Come on! - I didn't follow

with the part where night fell, and you had to go to bed.

Listen to your mum! Come on!

No, wait. I haven't even finished eating.

I still have some bites left.

It's very odd, because...

my mum didn't tell me specific things.

She bought me a book on sexuality, and it's still here somewhere.

She said, "Read this."

It was all taboo.

Sex was like a black hole.

It didn't exist, but it swallowed you.

And now I understand that Mum didn't talk to me about those things,

but rather she was transmitting her fears to me.

That, too, please.

The whole story around sex is a crime.

Careful!

We were very repressed,

very repressed.

The girl on the right, the lady in the centre.

I think even men,

many men were very shy, and, in fact, they didn't...

- Come closer, please. - ..they didn't know how to behave

with their girlfriends.

- This, too, madame? - Yes, please.

When I was younger, I had a lovely body

and a small waist,

and lovely legs.

It was beautiful to experiment

with the power of femininity

and with the magnetism to attract.

Look, look, look.

- What's that? - It's all open.

And full of hair.

Is yours like that?

See the innocence and the lack of information?

I thought the word "cutis," skin, was like clitoris.

I thought the two words were related.

For many years, we weren't told

that women could feel desire, attraction.

I would say, "Oh, oh!" if I felt anything

more than a heartbeat...

- Anything else? - ..because surely I was sinning.

Us women aren't able to see a strong, young man,

to talk to him and walk with him,

without a precise goal,

the goal to love him.

A woman's true purpose...

- is to love. - Madame!

And that's something men don't always understand, Alberto.

Is it true? Is that what you think?

Is that true? Elvira!

Don't think that the fact you know my secret

gives you any rights.

You always had to hide, go to the movies.

At the movies, they turned the lights out, so you could get away with more.

Now is when I most need your company.

I don't get it!

As you become a more interesting man, you forget your friends.

So, you discover...

..passion, but with some fear, too...

..because you felt many things.

The shadows of the bodies

that come together with the shadows of the night.

I remember being just about to...

to...

And, wow, at the movies...

The first fantasy I had

was someone watching me while I masturbated.

Having someone watch

and desire all the pleasure they see in you.

Feeling...

..the excitement in the body...

..up to a point of maximum intensity.

You feel like you'll explode,

but it keeps intensifying, and you think you can't go any higher...

..until you reach the climax where...

..the world disappears.

Yes, yes to that.

Coffee no, but "guaro," drinks, yes.

I'm very punctual.

I'll give you 10 minutes,

in case of any mishaps, something that...

Here comes the couple!

I was very much in love when I married.

I thought I would touch the sky with my hands.

Photo!

When I got married, I had to get Dad to sign my permission

for me to get married.

My parents' generation was very strict.

I was a virgin when I got married.

There wasn't a chance for anything.

My first dance, I danced it with the boy I married.

My first boyfriend...

my first dance.

Stop, Mum's watching.

- How are you? - Fine.

He's had a bit too much to drink.

Any woman's Achilles' heel is to be madly in love.

Oh, my God!

Once, I saw my dad fleetingly,

half-naked, I don't know why.

Dad covered himself quickly,

but I fleetingly saw a black thing full of hair.

Now there's no more surprise, right?

A naked man is a horrible thing!

It must hurt, so much hair in there.

That was my idea. Imagine what an idiot I was.

Neither of the two knew how to do it.

"What? This is different!"

"That's odd, I didn't feel anything!

"Are you sure you did it right, in the right place?"

You didn't do it in the wrong place?

I don't know, I don't think so.

- Didn't it feel good? - Oh, no, yes, yes, sure.

That, "Yes, sure,"

continued until I was in my mid-30s..

I had two kids, and I didn't know what an orgasm was.

My husband, very clearly,

on our honeymoon, told me...

..don't do this, don't do that.

I don't like it that way.

Here, the one who has the initiative is me.

There's a stain here.

And I could say...

with confidence...

..that those were the lessons his dad gave him explicitly.

So, a married virgin in a situation like this one,

frankly, there was a lot of frustration.

Not frustration because I didn't know what it was,

but frustration because I knew what an orgasm was

and I was able to have as many orgasms as I wanted.

The frustration was so strong that I was pretty obsessed

with the need for orgasms,

and I gave them to myself.

I remember that I could masturbate

and have seven orgasms, and I couldn't stop because...

That delight, you know?

And for me, it was a part of my life,

masturbation.

Despite being married.

I remember sometimes making love,

turning 'round and masturbating next to him.

We'd been...

married for over two years,

and suddenly, people asked me, "So, what about kids?"

And I didn't feel like I wanted kids.

I was three months pregnant when I stopped working,

because my late husband didn't want me to work anymore.

I wanted to learn English, and he didn't want me to learn English,

he wanted me to learn how to cook.

- Going already? - Yes.

When I got pregnant for the first time,

I didn't know what to do, because my period was late, and I said,

"That's odd, I haven't had my period,"

and then my belly started growing

and my breasts grew larger.

I felt sick, I had nausea,

I had cravings.

I was never taught anything about pregnancy or giving birth.

I didn't know what was coming.

The doctor said, "What are you doing on the street?

Go upstairs, this baby's head is popping out."

I always thought I was going to have a boy.

The old superstitious women did the needle test,

or they saw your belly and said, "That's a boy belly."

I saw the women in the birthing rooms upstairs,

clinging to the sides of the bed and screaming,

and the doctor would get angry at them.

And I said, "At what time am I supposed to start screaming?

Leave them open!

- What do I do, doctor? - Push hard.

Push really hard.

Push! Harder, harder! Harder!

And the baby slipped out.

And I never, never, never screamed.

What is it?

It's a girl.

- You don't want it? Because I do. - No, no. She's mine, she's mine!

It's an archaic fact,

and yet, so heroic.

In those days, they gave you a prick,

so you walked out of there all funny,

but they brought me home,

and I went out to my neighbours with the baby all wrapped-up,

to show them what I had done, what I had.

And my life changed completely.

You're not the same as you were.

It's a before-and-after, a new life.

I remember having had an identity crisis.

I was no longer the young woman, I was no longer the wife,

I was no longer anything but a mother with her baby.

Which is very satisfying but also very difficult.

I felt...

insufficient...

as a mother.

I felt as if I had shrunk, and I felt lost

and as if the ground had opened up beneath my feet.

You learn to become a mother,

but then, the kid...

teaches you many things about yourself.

It's a kind of love that cannot be defined.

It's such a deep connection, it's...

It's a great responsibility,

because you don't want them to have

the same experiences.

Let's go to sleep.

You don't know what you'll teach this being...

especially if it's a girl.

Mum, I want to comb your hair!

Because you never graduated in that.

- Didn't you have homework? - No.

Mm-hm.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Come in!

Hello.

Well then?

Come in, come in.

We went...

- to have a beer. - And how did it go?

It was lovely. He took my hand and this and that.

Oh, no, what an outrage!

Yes, you gave me the perfect address.

Then he says, "Can I kiss you?" And I say, "Oh, no, what a drag!"

First of all, you're not a kid.

Second, what's all this about asking for a kiss?

You give someone a kiss, you don't ask permission.

Asking permission to kiss someone.

And he kept calling me. We went out, we kept going out...

And guess what? It's been six years already.

The first time I went to the doctor, I said,

"I need to have some tests done."

"I have a boyfriend, we had some drinks, and I slept with him."

"What, at your age?" "Yes, sweetie."

"Take note, so that when you're old like me,

"you do the same and enjoy."

Don't be so bitter.

As if I were talking to her about the devil.

Doctor, look I need to have tests done.

I have a boyfriend, we had some drinks, and I slept with him.

Despite...

..being a bit rusty...

..in intimate, physical relationships, I'm still perfectly...

well-endowed.

And I can still feel...

..a lot, perhaps as much as before.

Sometimes, not always. But that's okay.

And the great thing is that I'm no longer

obsessed about experiencing that which I was denied.

Normal intimate experiences, and other practices, too,

like oral sex.

I love it.

That's really, really good.

And then there's foreplay, too.

I really enjoy that.

Now that I'm old.

Because I spent many years not knowing what an orgasm was.

Now I know what that is, and it's really good.

It's not like rough and ready, multi-orgasmic and everything, no.

The woman begins...

"I'm not sure because I have love handles, my breasts fell.

"I'm so ashamed.

"Don't switch the light on, better with the light off."

The first time I took my clothes off, I was so embarrassed.

Yes, I was very anxious.

It's not that I switch on all the lights,

but yes, there's light

and now you can see what you do, with whom and how you do it.

I can't be more explicit because...

it would be a porn movie.

In general, we meet on Wednesdays.

We hang out, we listen to music.

It's lovely, because I'm mostly by myself,

so I have a lot of freedom.

And I tell him, "Look...

"forget about...

"being in a relationship

"and live together with me."

The death of any relationship...

..is marriage.

Do you want to lose the charm of a relationship?

Get married!

If you're just in a relationship, or lovers,

however you want to call it,

they arrive all dressed-up, with cologne.

Their underwear has no skidmarks, their feet don't smell...

their mouth doesn't smell.

Ah, but if you get married... Oh, no!

They start snoring like a drill.

They sweat, and they don't care.

If they need to fart, they'll fart.

Go and see if they'll do that when they are just dating.

No, they just don't do it.

You don't want to be my nurse,

because that's what's coming next,

and I don't want to be your nurse, either.

Let's have fun while we can!

- Do you have the keys? - I have everything - keys, wallet.

Everyone in their own house and God in every house!

It's just like when you first met.

Exactly the same.

Butterflies in my tummy.

You get a delicious bath before, because you know what's coming.

What a great bath it is!

When he talks to me and he starts saying,

"What a great night, last night!"

I feel an electric current up and down my body.

It's the best moment of my life,

because I have complete freedom.

..because I have complete freedom.

Most people think,

"Oh, no, not at this age, not me.

I'm way past that, my energy's gone."

Oh, no, so many bitter old ladies. What a drag!

I think a woman is always...

in full swing.

I think that fire...

goes out because there are so many, frustrations, humiliations

which are like iced water on the fire.

Pour me a drink.

You're so pretty!

A woman...

never...

stops feeling alive.

Almost there, sweetie.

- How was it? - Good.

She never stops wanting or needing

hugs and kisses and love, never.

The intermediary stage, that of woman, mother,

housewife...was the hardest.

- How was it? Tell me. - Good, I already told you!

Because I was no longer, the innocent little girl, no.

Calm down, the baby's right there.

I was a bit more aware of the danger.

- I'll keep cleaning... - I had to be very careful.

The baby was crawling,

and she put her little finger in the speaker.

He went to hit the baby with a screwdriver,

and he says, "Leave me alone, or I'll hit you!"

If you're such a man, hit me.

When you go through domestic violence, aggression,

at the beginning you think it's only happening to you,

it's just your story.

But then, you realise it's not like that.

It's the same story for many.

Your husband came by.

He was crying a lot.

I never saw myself as a divorced woman,

or imagined I could be one.

My mother would come and say, "Forgive that poor man."

How are you, sweetie?

I said, "Dad, this and this and this happened."

"Sometimes, you get angry, and you don't know what you're doing."

No, Dad. I'm scared he'll do that to the baby.

I want to get a divorce, I don't want to be dead.

I told you not to marry, I told you he wasn't a good man.

You didn't listen.

And now...

..now...

bear with it, because this is your cross.

"Bear with it, because this is your cross."

I endured 17 years of terror...

..being raped continuously,

which is something I never understood.

I was brought up

without learning the difference, or knowing...

that you could be raped even by your husband.

Later, I realised I broke the record...

..because it was all about what he wanted,

where he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted

and then, he had no limits,

he just slept with anyone.

I was the one who started to get sick,

I started to feel worse and worse.

The doctor said he had to start me on treatment,

or the consequences would be fatal.

And that sounded like a gift from heaven.

It might sound horrible, but that's what it sounded like.

Then, when I felt very sick, I decided...

to let myself...

to let myself die.

I thought that if I were to die like that,

I wouldn't be to blame.

And that's how it was.

I didn't go back to the doctor, and I started feeling very sick.

I smelled horrible.

I had cervical cancer.

And even then,

he continued to rape me.

I remember being raped

the exact day I left the hospital after having a hysterectomy.

That rape made me go back to the hospital

the day after my operation.

Things happen that you can't predict.

Once, I met up with a friend...

who was a doctor.

We hadn't seen each other in a long time,

and he remembered his university friend

and compared her with the woman he was meeting -

pale, thin, sick.

So, we had a coffee, and I snapped.

I talked about what was happening.

I didn't want to continue living, that was the truth.

At that moment, not even for my kids.

You think your kids will be better off with someone else.

I'll be back!

Honey, where are you going?

- Hey! Where are you going? - To run some errands.

I had two operations.

Everything's going to be all right.

When I came out, I was very sad, very depressed, because...

..it was like I wasn't even able to do what I wanted to do...

..which was to die.

Well, there's always an energy, something, the spirit...

I don't know.

I came out physically exhausted,

but spiritually there was something there...

- Where were you? - Nowhere.

..which was growing, and which gave me strength.

I began to take steps I'd never taken before,

I went to places I'd never gone to before.

I sought protection for my kids, I sought protection for my home.

Yes.

Defend even the roof over our heads.

You need to tell him to sign here.

And with the help of people nearby...

..I did it.

I did it, and I started to pick myself up.

Sign there.

It was a turning point.

An opportunity to take back my life.

He finally signed it!

That period of your life, where you say,

"I'd like to forget that," but, in fact, I don't want to forget it...

because perhaps it made me stronger.

I rose from the ashes, like a phoenix.

And it was wonderful.

For the first time, I felt free.

I no longer belonged to my parents, nor to my husband.

I recovered my courage, my love for life.

The best thing of all is that...

the middle didn't kill the end.

And now, being able to smile again

and to talk freely and openly about these topics...

it even makes me feel proud.

It's that freedom...

to be from the heart that's ageless, and genderless,

and it's free from all the impositions

we all supposedly have, whether we're men or women.

If the fairy godmother came and told me

that she would grant me the wish to return

to any moment of my life...

..I'd say, "I want a different wish."

Because, in fact, I like to be where I am in this moment.

But yes,

right now, let's hope the Devil's not listening...

..I'm very happy.

Every time I doubted this body

Because it was always awake.

Every look that was imposed on me.

For what was taken from us, what was ours.

Each habit that now, after some time,

I am realising it was not true.

In this memory I keep, never in vain,

The things that hurt in case they are forgotten.

Those who don't remember will be condemned

To keep in the untenable.

And now I deserve, loud and clear

What I have been through to be told and understood.

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late.

So much enduring a time that was dark,

A past that makes the future now

Be long, be short, be uncertain,

Not wanting the silence of what was hard.

And to break the ceilings and the walls,

Let this story be heard, for the ones who couldn't.

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late.

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late.

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