Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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NICE RIDE.

HEY, SAY HELLO TO YOUR DAD FOR ME.

HAVEN'T SEEN THE BIG KAHUNA FOR A WHILE.

Girl: GREETINGS FROM VENICE, CALIFORNIA.

HI. I'M EMILY TYLER, AND I'M A PRETTY LUCKY KID.

MY SISTER TESS AND I LIVE IN ABOUT THE GREATEST PLACE YOU CAN IMAGINE.

PEOPLE COME HERE ON VACATION FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD,

BUT FOR US, THIS IS OUR BACKYARD.

THIS IS THE FAMOUS VENICE BOARDWALK.

IT'S GOT COOL SHOPS, GREAT PLACES TO EAT,

AND TONS OF INTERESTING PEOPLE AND THINGS TO LOOK AT.

IT MIGHT NOT LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL NEIGHBORHOOD, BUT YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE ARE THE GREATEST.

THE REAL WAY YOU CAN JUDGE A PLACE

IS WHEN THINGS AREN'T GOING SO WELL.

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WAS A DIFFICULT TIME FOR OUR FAMILY.

EVERYONE AROUND HERE REALLY PITCHED IN.

BUT MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.

HEY, TESS.

EMILY.

OOPS.

MY SISTER AND I ARE A LOT ALIKE.

IN FACT, SOME PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN TELL US APART.

BUT WE ARE REALLY VERY DIFFERENT.

TESS IS BETTER AT MOST SPORTS, BUT I'M A BETTER SURFER.

MY SISTER IS LEFT‐HANDED, AND I'M RIGHT‐HANDED.

TESS LIKES BOYS...

AND I LIKE BOYS.

WELL, THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME THINGS WE AGREE ON.

OH, AND ANOTHER THING WE AGREE ON‐‐

WE'VE GOT ABOUT THE GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD.

ANYWAY, WE'RE JUST A COUPLE KIDS FROM VENICE, CALIFORNIA.

IT ISN'T JUST A COOL PLACE TO VISIT.

IT'S OUR HOME.

HEY, EMILY. HAVE YOU SEEN THE WHISK?

WHAT?

WE LOST THE WHISK?

OH, NO, OH, NO, OH, NO, OH, NO!

HOW CAN WE GO ON? OHH!

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A WHISK IS?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

IT'S WHAT ALL THE GREAT CHEFS USE

TO SCRAMBLE THEIR EGGS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FORKS?

IT BRUISES THE EGGS.

NEXT YOU'RE GONNA BE WORRIED

ABOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS.

HERE...WATCH.

YUP. UH‐HUH.

HA!

♪ SCRAM, SCRAM, SCRAM ♪

♪ SCRAMBLE, SCRAMBLE ♪

WHOO‐HOO!

SCRAMBLED EGGS.

NO, NO, NO.

[GIGGLES]

THAT... IS SCRAMBLED EGGS.

HA HA!

[MACHINERY BUZZING]

DAD'S BEEN WORKING AGAIN.

LET'S BRING HIM BREAKFAST.

Emily, voice‐over: THIS IS OUR DAD. HE'S A SCULPTOR.

NOT THE STARVING‐ARTIST KIND. MAYBE YOU'VE SEEN HIS WORK.

EVER SINCE OUR MOTHER DIED TWO YEARS AGO,

IT SEEMS LIKE ALL HE EVER DOES IS WORK.

THAT'S GREAT FOR HIS FANS, BUT NOT SO GREAT FOR US.

MORNING, DADDY.

MORNING, DAD.

OH, MORNING, MONSTER. MORNING, MUNCHKIN. COME HERE.

YOU'RE SO DIRTY.

DIRTY MAN. DIRTY MAN.

[KISSING LOUDLY]

OH.

WHISK.

OH, THERE IT IS. I WAS LOOKING FOR THAT ALL NIGHT.

IF I COULD ONLY FIND MY BLOWTORCH.

IT'S UNDER THE COFFEEPOT.

AH!

YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ALL NIGHT AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU.

ALL NIGHT? WHAT? IS IT MORNING ALREADY?

WELL...SEE THAT BRIGHT STUFF OUT THERE?

HEAR THE BIRDS CHIRPING?

YES, YES, I DO.

OHH...

DAD, IT'S EXCELLENT.

YEAH.

WHAT HAPPENS HERE?

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT REALLY SURE YET.

ANYWAY, I'M WORKING MORE

FROM SORT OF A FEELING PLACE THESE DAYS.

WELL, YOU CAN'T WORK ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, SO COME ON, LET'S EAT.

COME ON.

OH! OH, LOOK AT THIS.

GREAT!

DAD, YOU MISSED KILLER WAVES THIS MORNING.

EL NIÑO SENT US SOME AWESOME 6‐FOOTERS.

HOW COME YOU NEVER GO SURFING ANYMORE?

YOU USED TO BE THE FIRST ONE ON THE BEACH.

OH... I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I JUST HAVEN'T FELT LIKE IT.

ARE YOU STILL GONNA MEET US FOR ICE CREAM LATER?

ICE...OH, YEAH.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

DAD, ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. SURE. WHY?

IT'S JUST LATELY, YOU SEEM KIND OF OUT OF IT.

NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF IT.

I HAVE BEEN TOTALLY WITH IT.

DAD! DAD!

WHAT IS THAT?

ORANGE JUICE.

OH, MY GOD.

Tess: ON CEREAL?

I WANTED MILK.

[BEEP]

IT'S ME. I FORGOT MY KEY.

WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?

I'VE GOT A CLIENT WITH ME, SWEETIE.

THEY LOVE TO TEASE ME.

JUST GO LET HIM IN.

ALL RIGHTY.

I DISCOVERED MAXWELL WHEN HE WAS JUST A STUDENT IN FLORENCE‐‐

CLASSICALLY TRAINED BUT VERY HIP, VERY NOW, VERY CUTTING‐EDGE. EDGY.

Emily, voice‐over: THIS IS NIGEL, MY DAD'S AGENT.

HE'S LIKE FAMILY‐‐

THE KIND OF FAMILY THAT MOVES IN AND NEVER LEAVES.

HI, NIGE.

AND THE PASSWORD IS?

Nigel: CLIENT. WHERE'S YOUR DADDY?

IN THE STUDIO CREATING HIS LATEST MASTERPIECE?

AH.

DAD. DAD.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GO SIT DOWN.

HI.

MAX TYLER.

ENOLA RUBINSTEIN.

AS IN THE RUBINSTEIN FOUNDATION.

MRS. RUBINSTEIN.

MS. RUBINSTEIN.

THE PIECE I WANT TO SHOW YOU IS RIGHT OVER THIS WAY.

IS HE SINGLE?

WIDOWER.

EXCELLENT.

THIS ONE...

IS BREATHTAKING.

THAT'S OUR MOTHER.

REALLY.

SHE WAS A BALLERINA.

DAD FELL FOR HER THE FIRST TIME HE EVER SAW HER DANCE.

IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

LATER, HE WAITED FOR HER BACKSTAGE WITH A HUGE BOUQUET OF ROSES.

AND SHE FLIPPED FOR HIM. WHO WOULDN'T?

AND FROM THAT DAY ON, THEY WERE NEVER APART.

DAD SAID THAT EVERY DAY WITH HER WAS MAGIC.

HOW UTTERLY ROMANTIC.

I MUST HAVE HIM.

IT.

HOW MUCH?

I'M SORRY. THIS PIECE ISN'T FOR SALE.

NIGEL WILL LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S AVAILABLE.

EXCUSE US.

ARTISTS. THEY'RE SO TEMPERAMENTAL, SO MOODY,

SO...YOU KNOW.

AND CALL MY CONTRACTOR WHEN THE SCULPTURE'S READY TO BE DELIVERED.

THERE'S AN EXTRA 25% IN IT FOR YOU IF YOU GET ME A DATE WITH MAX.

WISH I COULD, DOVE. HE HASN'T GOTTEN OVER LOSING HIS WIFE.

YES, WHAT A SHAME. WHAT A TRAGEDY.

AND YET, HIS ANGUISH KEEPS YOU IN ARMANI.

TA, DARLING.

TA, DEAR.

THE BANK WON'T CASH THAT IF THERE'S SLOBBER ON IT.

NICE SUIT!

ANOTHER ROLEX?

I SAW YOUR NEW RANGE ROVER PARKED OUTSIDE.

HOW COME DAD'S STILL DRIVING HIS OLD CUTLASS,

AND YOU GET A NEW CAR EVERY OTHER MONTH?

I HAVE TO LOOK SUCCESSFUL IN THE CIRCLES I TRAVEL.

I DON'T WANT THE NEXT PERSON I MEET

TO THINK THAT THEY'RE THE FIRST PERSON

TO WRITE ME A BIG CHECK.

NOW, SPEAKING OF BIG CHECKS,

I THINK I'LL WALK THIS ONE TO THE BANK.

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THAT GUY.

FISHY? ALL YOU NEED IS MAYONNAISE, AND YOU'VE GOT TUNA SALAD.

Emily, voice‐over: THIS IS OUR SWIM CLUB, HOME OF OUR DIVING TEAM,

THE WEST SIDE SQUIDS.

EVERY YEAR, THERE'S A DIVING MEET

BETWEEN THE SQUIDS AND OUR BIG RIVALS FROM THE PALOS VERDES SWIM CLUB.

MY SISTER TESS IS THE BEST DIVER ON THE TEAM.

ME? I DO OK.

AND THIS IS BRAD, OUR SWIM COACH.

NEED I SAY MORE?

GREAT TRY, EMILY. YOU'RE GETTING BETTER.

THANKS, BOD!

I MEAN, BRAD.

I'VE NEVER TRAINED A MORE BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED DIVER.

CAN I TAKE YOU TO THE NEXT SEVENTH GRADE DANCE?

PICK ME UP AT...7:30?

[DING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

NEXT!

Girl: ISN'T TESS GONNA DIVE?

SEE YOU LATER.

YO, LOVE‐STRUCK. PUT THIS ON MY BACK.

I DON'T WANT TO GET SUNBURNED.

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY. I'M NOT YOUR SLAVE GIRL.

OOPS.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU CONCENTRATED AS MUCH ON YOUR DIVING

AS YOU DO ON THE DIVING INSTRUCTOR,

WE MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN THE REGIONALS.

I CAN'T HELP IT. HE'S A HUNK‐A‐SAURUS.

HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK THAT HE ISN'T TOTALLY DELISH?

HE'S NOT HER TYPE.

AND WHAT'S MY TYPE?

A MAN WHO CAN JAM, A DUDE WITH A 'TUDE,

A TOWER OF POWER, CAN REALLY ROCK THE SHOWER.

ROCK THE WHAT?

I GOT TO WORK ON MY RHYMING.

Emily, voice‐over: THIS IS CODY.

WE'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE... FOREVER.

HE LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

CODY ALSO HAS A BIG CRUSH ON MY SISTER TESS,

AND SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

CHECK THIS OUT.

TWO TICKETS TO THE NO DOUBT CONCERT FOR NEXT WEEKEND.

MY OLD MAN WORKED ON THEIR LAST ALBUM.

I GOT BACKSTAGE PASSES.

THAT'S SO COOL! THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BAND.

GOOD. I WAS HOPING ONE OF YOU MIGHT BE UP FOR IT.

OUR DAD WON'T LET US GO TO CONCERTS WITHOUT A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

MY AU PAIR WILL BE THERE. SHE'S 18.

SHE SAID "RESPONSIBLE." YOUR AU PAIR USED TO BE A GROUPIE.

Tess: YOUR DAD MET HER ON TOUR.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

TESS! WHY DON'T YOU SHOW 'EM HOW IT'S DONE?

Emily: HEY, JULES. HEY, KRISTEN.

WHO'S THAT?

SOME NEW KID.

HEARD HE'S FROM HOLLYWEIRD.

WHOA!

Brad: DON'T PANIC. I GOT YOU.

LET GO OF ME, COLLEGE BOY. I'M FINE.

HEY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF SOMEONE LAUGHED AT YOU BECAUSE YOU FELL IN THE WATER?

WELL...IT WAS SORT OF FUNNY.

YEAH. HILARIOUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HEARD?

HE GOES TO A SPECIAL SCHOOL FOR PROBLEM KIDS.

I HEARD HE GOT KICKED OUT.

I HEARD HE DID TIME IN JUVIE HALL.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST FASHION.

WHAT IS HE DOING?!

THAT GUY PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN SWIM A STROKE.

YOU DON'T EVEN DIVE OFF THE HIGH PLATFORM, TESS,

AND YOU'RE THE BEST DIVER ON THE TEAM.

BANZAI‐EE!

I THINK YOUR REPUTATION'S SAFE.

Emily, voice‐over: THIS IS OUR HANGOUT‐‐VAN GOGH'S EAR.

DAD TOOK MOM HERE ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

WE CAME HERE SO OFTEN, AUTUMN NAMED A SANDWICH AFTER US.

Max: OOH, OOH...AH!

AUTUMN!AUTUMN!

HI! GUESS WHO WE BROUGHT!

STRANGER, WE'VE MISSED YOU AROUND HERE. HI, GIRLS.

HI.HI.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.

WOW! LOOK AT THIS.

THE PLACE HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL.

THANK YOU.

THAT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT.

HEY, MAX! WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?

DUDE, YOU LOOK LIKE A FISHBELLY.

YOU'RE IN NEED OF SOME SERIOUS SUNNAGE.

YEAH. I, UH...I'VE BEEN BUSY WORKING.

OH, BUMMER.

HEY, LET'S SIT.

AUTUMN, MY DEAR?

YES?

DO YOU STILL MAKE THOSE FAMOUS TYLER FAMILY ICE CREAM SUNDAES?

WITH COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM AND 3 SPOONS.

AND MARSHMALLOW SAUCE.

YEAH!

AND...WHIPPED CREAM. YEAH.

AND...NUTS.

DAD?DAD?

YEAH.

NUTS.

OK. WELL...

TYLER FAMILY SPECIAL, COMING UP.

SO, DAD, THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA, HUH?

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, SEE ALL YOUR FRIENDS FOR A CHANGE.

SURE.

MAYBE LATER WE CAN GO DOWN TO THE PIER AND RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER.

I HARDLY EVER THROW UP ANYMORE.

HMM.

EXCEPT YESTERDAY.

AND THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A REALLY PRETTY SUNSET TONIGHT.

YOU GIRLS REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER?

DAD...

COURSE WE DO.

I MEAN...I MEAN, REALLY...

REALLY REMEMBER HER.

REMEMBER HER LAUGH? HMM?

HOW HER HAIR SMELLED...

JUST HOW FULL OF LIFE SHE WAS.

I REMEMBER HOW MOM USED TO MAKE US ALL DRIVE UP TO BIG BEAR

AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR, JUST SO WE COULD TOUCH THE SNOW.

SURE.

AND I REMEMBER HOW GREAT SHE WAS AT TELLING STORIES,

ESPECIALLY THE ONES ABOUT GROWING UP IN SAN FRANCISCO.

YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE REALLY FUN? IF WE DROVE UP THERE SOME WEEKEND.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, DAD?

TA‐DA! THANKS! THANK YOU!

THANKS, DADDY. THANKS, DADDY.

OH, HERE...

OH, IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

OH. THANKS.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED THE NUTS.

I ALWAYS JUST GOT THEM ON MY SUNDAE BECAUSE...

'CAUSE YOUR MOM DID. I'M SORRY.

YOU GIRLS, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND FINISH UP. I'LL MEET YOU AT HOME.

COME RIGHT AWAY.

TESS, YOU AWAKE?

YOU CAN'T SLEEP EITHER?

THINKING ABOUT MOM?

I MISS HER.

I MISS HER, TOO.

I THINK ABOUT HER EVERY NIGHT.

EVERY DAY.

THERE'S SO MUCH WE NEVER GOT TO TALK ABOUT.

IF SHE WERE HERE, SHE'D KNOW HOW TO HELP DAD.

I WISH SHE WERE HERE.

ME, TOO.

WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO DAD?

WHAT? LIKE HE COULD DIE OF SADNESS?

YOU'VE SEEN JERRY SPRINGER. IT HAPPENS.

LET'S FACE IT.

MAYBE WHAT DAD NEEDS TO CHEER HIM UP IS A WOMAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, TESS? SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE THE SMART ONE.

YOU JUST FIGURED THAT OUT?

I'M GONNA GET YOU.

NO!

NO!

AAH!

"SWF, 30s, N/S,

ISO SM, B&B, FOR R&M"?

YOU NEED A CODE BOOK TO DECIPHER THESE THINGS.

IT'S EASY.

SINGLE WHITE FEMALE IN HER THIRTIES, NON‐SMOKER,

IN SEARCH OF SINGLE MALE, BROWN HAIR AND BROWN EYES, FOR ROMANCE AND MONOGAMY.

WOW. YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU JUST HAVE TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

ANYTIME THEY COMPARE THEMSELVES TO‐‐

MY FLY GIRLS! HOW'S IT GOIN'?

HEY, CODY.

READING THE PERSONALS? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUR DAD A WOMAN.

THAT'S EASY. GET HIM A GUITAR.

CHICKS DIG MUSICIANS. WORKS FOR MY DAD.

OUR DAD IS A FAMOUS ARTIST. HE'S GOT ENOUGH GROUPIES OF HIS OWN.

WE WANT A SMART AND PRETTY WOMAN‐‐

SOMEONE INDEPENDENT, BUT STILL LIKES BEING TAKEN CARE OF SOMETIMES.

YOU COULD SIT ON A CHAT ROOM ON THE INTERNET.

THAT'S WHERE ALL THE ACTION IS.

DON'T YOU WATCH THE NEWS? THAT STUFF IS WAY CREEPY.

YOU GO IN FOR A CHAT, AND YOU END UP BEING STALKED BY PSYCHO PEOPLE.COM.

AND DAD WOULDN'T GO FOR THAT.

HEY, MY DAD'S RECORD COMPANY

GOT HIM A BILLBOARD OVER ON SUNSET BOULEVARD TO ADVERTISE HIS LAST CD.

IT WENT PLATINUM IN ONE DAY.

GIRLS WERE MOBBING HIM ON THE STREETS.

I'M LIKING THIS.

A PERSONAL AD ON A BILLBOARD?

THE WHOLE CITY WOULD SEE IT!

CODY, YOU ROCK!

IT'S PERFECT!

TALK ABOUT MAXIMUM EXPOSURE.

WE GO IN UNDER THE COVER OF DARKNESS.

GO, GO, GO!

STOP!

GO, GO.

GO! LET'S GO!

STOP, STOP.

STAY RIGHT BEHIND ME.

ALL CLEAR.

GO, GO, GO!

THERE'S CARS COMING. DON'T LOOK DOWN!

CAMOUFLAGE, PART TWO.

EASY, EASY, EASY... TAKE IT BACK UP!

CAREFUL.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLAP CLAP]

[BUZZER]

UH...

WRONG HOUSE.

THE MUSICIAN LIVES 3 DOORS DOWN.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR YOU, DAD.

EXCUSE ME?

I REALIZE IT'S A LITTLE UNORTHODOX, ME JUST SHOWING UP LIKE THIS,

BUT I'M NO GOOD WITH LETTERS.

I CAN'T WRITE.

UH...

DAD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU MUST BE THE ARTIST!

NO, NO. I'M THE ARTIST. THESE ARE MY DAUGHTERS. WHO ARE YOU?

WELL, I'M INTERESTED.

COOL TO THE MAX!

RIGHT ON!

OH, MY GOSH. EMILY, IT'S WORKING!

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

THE BILLBOARD. WHAT ELSE?

BIG GESTURES REALLY GET ME.

[CHUCKLES]

UH....

I AM COMPLETELY CLUELESS HERE,

SO SOMEBODY BETTER START GIVING ME THE 411, AND FAST.

YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?

GIRLS...

BOY, IT'S REALLY GONNA BLOW YOUR MIND.

HA HA...

LET'S GET DRESSED.

DAD, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU YOUR BILLBOARD.

UH...

YOU'LL EXCUSE US, WON'T YOU?

GIRLS?

[DOOR SLAMS]

TV: HERE IN LOS ANGELES,

PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET NOTICED.

I'M HERE ON SUNSET BOULEVARD WITH BILLBOARD DAD,

THE MAN WHO PUT A PERSONAL AD ON A BILLBOARD.

BILLBOARD DAD, IS THIS BILLBOARD GETTING THE RESULTS YOU WANTED?

FRANKLY, I HAVE TO SAY I FIND THE WHOLE THING

A LITTLE ON THE EMBARRASSING SIDE.

HEY, BROOKE, CHECK THIS OUT. BILLBOARD DAD.

THIS GUY PUT A PERSONAL AD ON A BILLBOARD OVER SUNSET.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

ARE YOU CRAZY? HE'S GORGEOUS.

PLEASE. I'M NOT THAT SHALLOW.

WELL, I AM.

COME ON. HE'S NOT DROOLING, HE'S NOT TALKING TO HIMSELF.

HIS KNUCKLES DON'T DRAG WHEN HE WALKS.

I MEAN, I'M THINKING "HERE COMES THE BRIDE."

ONLY IN L. A. ARE DESPERATION AND INSANITY

CONSIDERED A PUBLIC INTEREST STORY.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT HE'S SO CUTE.

IT'S LIKE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.

REALLY CUTE COVERS DESPERATION AND SMASHES INSANITY.

DEBBIE, YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I'VE MET

WHOSE MOTHER DOES NOT WORRY ABOUT HER ENOUGH.

YOU HAVE TO START DATING AGAIN.

IT'S BEEN 26 MONTHS SINCE YOU GOT DIVORCED.

26 MONTHS. YOU'RE COUNTING?

I'M A BOOKKEEPER. IT'S MY JOB TO COUNT.

BESIDES, IF YOU DON'T PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE, YOU'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE.

I FINALLY HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER.

THE LAST THING I NEED IS A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP.

BESIDES, JACK'S GETTING REMARRIED,

AND LOOK WHAT THAT'S DOING TO OUR SON.

OH, I SEE.

THE CHEATING EX‐HUSBAND GETS TO BE HAPPY, BUT YOU HAVE TO SUFFER.

I'M NOT SUFFERING. I DON'T NEED A MAN TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

OK.

Max: YEAH, WE'RE CERTAINLY HOPING THAT.

Reporter: AND THESE ARE YOUR GIRLS RIGHT HERE?

OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE TWINS!

GIRLS, WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO DO THIS FOR YOUR FATHER?

WELL, HE'S SINGLE, AND HE'S GOT A LOT TO OFFER A WOMAN.

SO WE SAID IT FOR HIM‐‐ HE'S THE GREATEST.

Reporter: THERE YOU HAVE IT‐‐FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES.

SHE CALLED US BABES.

FORGIVE HER.

OH...AND I'M THE SMART ONE.

Max: OK.

WHAT WOMAN IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD DATE A MAN

WHO PUTS A PERSONAL AD UP ON A BILLBOARD?

I WOULD.

OH, COME ON. YOU READ ARCHIE COMICS

BECAUSE YOU THINK JUGHEAD HAS POTENTIAL.

HEY...WITH A DIFFERENT HAT. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

AND ANYWAY, BILLBOARD DAD‐‐ HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR,

AND HIS KIDS LIKE HIM.

HOW BAD CAN HE BE?

LISTEN TO YOU. YOU'RE AS BAD AS HE IS.

IF YOU'RE GONNA WRITE A LETTER, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

OK.

YES. YES, AND I AM VERY, VERY SORRY.

I THINK WE ALL ARE.

UH...NO. NO.

I HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE PLANNING ANY OF THIS.

UH, I DID SEE IT ON THE NEWS.

OH, A NEW ONE. OH, SO THIS ISN'T A PROBLEM.

NO, NO, NO. DON'T THANK ME.

PLEASE, DO NOT THANK ME.

ME? WELL, I HAVE BLUE EYES.

GREAT. GOOD‐BYE.

WELL, IT SEEMS THAT THE BILLBOARD COMPANY

WILL NOT BE PRESSING CHARGES.

WHAT BILLBOARD COMPANY?

SEEMS THAT THEY LOVE ALL OF THIS FREE PUBLICITY.

WHAT PUBLICITY?

AND THEY'LL BE PUTTING UP A NEW BILLBOARD, ANYWAY.

THEY CAN'T TAKE IT DOWN!

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE WOMEN WHO ARE GONNA ANSWER IT?

WHO? WHAT‐‐ WHAT WOMEN?

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.

IF I WANTED TO GO OUT, WHICH I DON'T,

I WOULD FIND MY OWN DATE, OK?

AND NOT BY PUTTING SOME AD UP

ON A BILLBOARD OVER SUNSET STRIP.

OK, THEN HOW?

YOU HARDLY EVER LEAVE THE STUDIO.

YOU DON'T HANG OUT WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS. YOU NEVER GO OUT.

YOU DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WITH US ANYMORE.

NOW...

[BUZZER]

AH! SIT.

NOBODY MOVES. I'LL GET IT.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

NIGEL...

WELL...

HEY, MR. TYLER.

I GOT QUITE A BIT OF MAIL.

UNBELIEVABLE!

DAD, YOU'RE A HOTTIE!

WHO IN THE WORLD IS ALL THIS MAIL FOR?

ME.

BY THE WAY, I SAW YOU ON THE NEWS.

NICE JOB, TESS, EMILY. WE'RE WITH YA.

Nigel: THE NEWS?! NOBODY ASKED ME ABOUT AIRTIME!

GIRLS...

MAXWELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR P. R.

I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU!

THERE MUST BE, LIKE, A MILLION LETTERS HERE!

TWO MILLION!

THIS ONE SMELLS ROMANTIC.

THIS ONE SENT A BRIBE.

THIS ONE SENT A PICTURE.

OH, THAT'S HER CAT.

OH, MY GOOD‐‐ YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT WAS THE WHISKERS THAT THREW ME. EEESH!

DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO BE AT LEAST A LITTLE CURIOUS.

I MEAN, SOME OF THESE WOMEN SOUND REALLY GOOD.

YEAH?

LOOK. THIS ONE'S A DOCTOR.

A CONCERT CELLIST.

AND...A FASHION MODEL.

OH!

COME ON, DAD. JUST GO ON A COUPLE DATES. PLEASE?

PLEASE, DAD? FOR US?

PLEASE?

PLEASE? OH...

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I WILL GO OUT ON 3 DATES.

7. 5.

SOLD.

AND ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU TWO VERY MUCH.

AFTER THESE 5 DATES, YOU WILL LEAVE ME ALONE.

IS IT UNDERSTOOD?

YEAH.

UNDERSTOOD? GREAT.

5 DATES. YOU HAVE YOUR WISH.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

ANY MORE MONEY, GIVE IT TO ME.

SO YOU, UH, COME HERE OFTEN?

PARDON ME ME FOR SAYING THIS,

BUT...YOU DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE YOU WANT TO BE HERE.

OH, I‐I‐I'M SORRY. UH, I...

FRANKLY, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE BEEN OUT WITH ANYONE.

I THINK I'M JUST OUT OF PRACTICE.

DON'T WORRY. YOU CAN RELAX. I'VE HAD PLENTY.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME STORY.

YOU'LL ASK ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF.

I'LL POUR MY HEART OUT.

YOU'LL TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR,

MAKE ME FALL MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU...

AND THAT'S THE MOMENT WHEN YOU'LL DUMP ME.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST END THIS CHARADE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I GET HURT,

WHILE I STILL HAVE ENOUGH PROZAC LEFT FROM THE LAST JERK

WHO SOLD ME DOWN THE RIVER!

I'M OUT OF HERE!

OK. AHH...UH...

I, UH, W‐WAITER?

CHECK.

DO YOU HAVE EARWAX?

IT'S HEREDITARY, YOU KNOW.

MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAS A TERRIBLE PROBLEM WITH IT.

OH, WAIT!

I THINK I HAVE A Q‐TIP IN MY PURSE.

GOTCHA.

IT'S IN HERE, I SWEAR. HA HA!

♪ Q‐TIPPY ♪

HA HA!

CHECK.

UH...YOU HAVE LOVELY EYES.

AHEM.

THANK YOU.

I‐‐UH, W‐WAITER, THE...

[MOUTHING WORDS]

HAVE YOU EVER DATED A PARISIAN WOMAN BEFORE?

NO. NO, NO.

OH, HO!

YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT, CHERI!

HA HA!

GARCON!

[DROPS FORK ON PLATE]

OH, BOY. UH...WAITER.

GARCON.

MAKE SURE YOU CHEW IT REAL GOOD,

AND DON'T EAT TOO FAST, OR YOU'LL GIVE YOURSELF A WIDDLE TUMMYACHE.

I CAN‐‐

UH! YOU NEED A NAPKIN?

HERE YOU GO.

AH! AH! THANK YOU. THAT'S GOOD.

THE LITTLE CUTE GUY NEEDS A NAPKIN.

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

HE'S GOT A LITTLE SMOOTZ RIGHT THERE.

OH, HE'S A CUTE ONE. HE'S A CUTIE.

OH, HE'S SO CUTE.

YEAH, HE IS. UH, WAITER! W‐WAITER?

JUST‐‐JUST‐‐

HE'S A CUTIE. YEAH.

I'M GONNA SIT DOWN NOW.

OH, OKEY‐DOKEY.

YEAH. OKEY‐DOKEY.

WE SHOULD HAVE MADE IT 7 DATES.

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE UP, DAD.

GIRLS, A DEAL IS A DEAL.

BUT WE STILL GOT A WHOLE BAGFUL OF LETTERS.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE IN THERE FOR YOU.

IT JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT.

COME ON, TESS. LET'S GO.

IT GOES IN, I GO OUT ON A DATE.

CLOSE, BUT... ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE.

[SIGHS]

I WILL MARRY THIS WOMAN.

HA HA HA!

IT'S UP...

AND IT'S BAD.

THE MAN NEVER LIKED DATING ANYWAY...

AND THAT ONE'S BAD, TOO.

THE PRESSURE'S ON.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO PRESSURE WHATSOEVER.

AND...OH!

OH, BOY.

WELL...

OH. UH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

WOW! OF COURSE I'D LIKE TO MEET YOU.

HOW ABOUT TOMORROW?

AT THE ART MUSEUM?

11:30? I'LL BE THERE.

OK, BYE.

GUESS WHO'S GOT A DATE WITH BILLBOARD DAD?

MOI.

HA HA HA!

I'M GETTING NERVOUS.

OH, DON'T BE NERVOUS.

AT LEAST HE HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO PICK A MUSEUM.

THAT SHOWS SOME CLASS.

HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT. HE'S CULTURED.

YEAH, EDUCATED.

OH, HE'S NEVER GONNA LIKE ME.

HA HA! YES, HE WILL. HE'S GONNA LOVE YOU.

DO I LOOK OK?

YEAH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, NOT TOO, UH‐‐

NO. YOU DIDN'T TRY TOO HARD, BUT YOU LOOK NICE.

THAT'S IMPORTANT.

THIS IS YOUR DATE, DEBBIE,

SO TELL ME AGAIN WHY I'M HERE.

BECAUSE THIS GUY LOOKS FINE ON TV,

BUT WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE A WEIRDO?

HEY, WHEN I TUG MY EAR‐‐

I KNOW‐‐I PRETEND TO BUMP INTO YOU.

AND THEN WHAT? I TAG ALONG LIKE A THIRD WHEEL?

THIS IS SO HIGH SCHOOL.

HEY, HIGH SCHOOL WAS MY BEST YEARS.

I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU ALREADY ARE.

OK. I'LL BE OVER THERE.

IF YOU NEED ME, JUST TUG.

DO YOU MIND IF I SIT HERE?

NO.

I LOVE CALDER.

MMM. SO DO I.

HIS WORK JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SMILING.

I ALWAYS LOVED THAT PIECE.

I USED TO DO STUDIES OF IT WHEN I WAS A STUDENT.

ARE YOU AN ARTIST?

A SCULPTOR, ACTUALLY.

OH.

NOT THAT I'VE EVER ACTUALLY GOTTEN

ANY OF MY WORK IN HERE YET, BUT...

DON'T FEEL BAD.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD TO GET YOUR WORK IN HERE.

DAD'S TALKING TO THAT WOMAN.

I'LL GIVE THAT A FEW YEARS.

HA HA!

SHE MUST BE HIS DATE.

SHE'S PRETTY.

Tess: HE'S LAUGHING!

I THINK HE LIKES HER.

OH, OH.

SO‐‐SO YOU'RE SAYING YOUR FRIEND IS HERE FOR A DATE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

MY BEST FRIEND ACTUALLY WROTE THAT GUY ON TV‐‐ BILLBOARD DAD.

I'M JUST HERE IN CASE SHE NEEDS TO BE BAILED OUT.

OH, YEAH. WELL, I KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

HEY! YOU TWO WERE ON TV!

YOU'RE BILLBOARD DAD'S KIDS, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH. THAT'S US.

SOMEBODY SOUNDS GREAT ON PAPER OR OVER THE PHONE.

YOU MEET THEM IN PERSON, IT'S LIKE,

"EW, MY GOODNESS! WHAT PLANET DID THIS PERSON FALL OFF OF?"

ESPECIALLY IN THIS CASE.

OH, YEAH, THE...

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER? I'M HIS DATE.

YOU'RE HIS DATE?

THEN WHO'S THAT WOMAN HE'S TALKING TO?

I‐I'M CURIOUS. WHY DIDN'T...

WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THAT?

WHAT, THE BILLBOARD?

YEAH, THE...

WELL, BECAUSE...

I MEAN, LOVE DOESN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?

Emily: DAD, GUESS WHAT. WE FOUND YOUR DATE.

DIDN'T YOU SEE US WAVING AT YOU?

FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT YOU'D STOOD ME UP.

I'M SORRY. I WAS TALKING TO YOUR FRIEND.

I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE WAITING.

YOU'RE...YOU'RE... BILLBOARD DAD?

UH, MAX, ACTUALLY.

BROOKE.

DEBBIE.

DEBBIE! DEBBIE!

DEBBIE. HA HA!

YOU'VE MET EMILY AND TESS.

Emily, voice‐over: WELL, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY WEIRD MOMENT.

WE COULD TELL DAD LIKED BROOKE,

AND DEBBIE COULD TELL BROOKE LIKED DAD.

SHE SUGGESTED THAT BROOKE AND DAD HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER.

TALK ABOUT A GOOD FRIEND.

NICE MEETING YOU, GIRLS.

YOU, TOO.

BE BACK AFTER LUNCH. YOU GIRLS BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

DON'T WORRY. WE WILL.

THAT'S WHAT HE THINKS.

SO I MOVED HERE FROM BOSTON AFTER OPTOMETRY SCHOOL,

AND THEN I DID MY POSTGRADUATE WORK AT PARSONS,

AND MY COMPANY WAS BORN.

AND WHY GLASSES?

OH, MY MOM USED TO SAY THIS THING...

SO FAR, SO GOOD.

"MEN DON'T MAKE PASSES AT GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES."

I'M GONNA CHANGE THAT.

WELL, I CAN'T IMAGINE MEN NOT MAKING PASSES AT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU'RE... YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

HE TOLD HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S GOT TO BE TOTALLY CRUSHING ON HIM.

LET'S GIVE THEM A NUDGE.

GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY YOU'VE GOT.

NO. NO.

NOT THAT TABLE. SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Brooke: HA HA HA!

Max: THANK YOU.

SO WHY SCULPTING?

OH, I WAS JUST SO BAD AT BASKETBALL.

VERY CLUMSY YOUNG MAN.

OH, THANK YOU.

I DON'T THINK WE ORDERED THESE.

COMPLIMENTS OF THE HOUSE.

OH. WELL, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? IS HE GONNA KISS HER?

I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T SEE A THING.

THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Woman: FOR MADEMOISELLE.

HOW BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.

THANK YOU.

OH, WELL... NOTHING...REALLY.

Tess: OUCH! EMILY, YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!

GET YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY STOMACH! I'M GONNA FALL!

WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

MY SISTER'S THE GRACEFUL ONE.

GIRLS...HELLO.

WE'LL BE TALKING LATER, WON'T WE?

Max: HEY, DOWN IN THE SEAT. BOTH OF YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER PEEP OUT OF YOU. GOT IT?

I THINK MY GIRLS COULD USE A LITTLE LESSON IN SUBTLETY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK BEING DIRECT ALWAYS GETS THE BEST RESULTS.

YEAH?

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO WAIT 3 DAYS BEFORE I CALL YOU,

BUT, UH... YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME AGAIN?

I‐‐I MEAN, JUST ME THIS TIME.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, MAX,

BUT, UM...

UH‐OH. BUT.

WELL, IT'S JUST I'VE RUSHED INTO RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE,

AND THEY'VE ENDED BADLY.

WE'D HAVE TO TAKE THINGS SLOW.

OH! OH, SURE, SLOW.

NO, WE CAN DO SLOW.

WE CAN...WE CAN GO HOWEVER YOU'D LIKE.

SO HOW'S SATURDAY?

SATURDAY'S GOOD.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

HI.

HELLO THERE. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK NICE, TOO.

THANK YOU.

SHALL WE?

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SO, THANK YOU.

YEAH. IT'S VERY NICE... GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

YES.

UP.

THANK YOU.

...FUN.

YEAH.

YEAH.

HERE YOU GO.

THAT DOOR...

HA HA!

UH...

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Nigel: WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME, MAXWELL.

WHO IS THIS INFERNAL WOMAN KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR WORK?

WE'RE TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE BIGGEST SHOW OF YOUR CAREER.

YOU SHOULD BE IN THE STUDIO CREATING BRILLIANCE,

NOT FROLICKING ABOUT WITH SOME COMMON TROLLOP.

OH! LANGUAGE.

BESIDES, WHEN HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN?

TRUST ME.

THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF PIECES FOR THE NEW SHOW.

PLUS...THIS NEW DIRECTION I'M GOING IN...

IS VERY EXCITING.

NEW?

NO, NO, NO. NEW IS BAD.

AHH!

THE BUYERS WANT TO SEE A MAXWELL TYLER SCULPTURE

SIMILAR TO THE PIECE THAT MADE YOU FAMOUS.

REMEMBER THAT?

STICK WITH THE OLD STUFF, MY FRIEND.

I CAN SELL IT.

OH, POSH!

NIGEL... YOU COULD SELL IGLOOS TO THE ESKIMOS.

WE ALL KNOW THIS.

BESIDES, BROOKE... AHH, BROOKE.

SHE'S BEEN ENCOURAGING ME TO BROADEN MY FOCUS AS AN ARTIST,

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? SHE'S 100% RIGHT.

SO I TELL YOU WHAT, PAL.

YOU STICK WITH THE MONEY, AND THAT'LL BE YOUR JOB.

I WANT TO DO MY JOB, MY FRIEND.

DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE YOU FAMOUS, MY FRIEND.

NIGEL, MY FRIEND... GOOD NIGHT.

♪ I'M GONNA MAKE YOU LOVE ME ♪

I'M THE ONE WITH THE MASSIVE CREDIT CARD DEBT.

I'M ALSO THE ONE WITH THE ASTRONOMICAL CAR PAYMENTS.

HE'S IN LOVE. THAT'S WONDERFUL, YEAH.

[SIGHS]

THEY'RE ALL TRYING TO RUIN ME, THAT'S ALL. GREAT. THANK YOU.

HEH HEH HEH!

WAKE UP!

WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEADS.

TIME TO HANG TEN OFF THE OLD LONG BOARD.

TIME TO GO! COME ON! COME ON!

HE'S BACK!

Child: OH, NICE DIVE!

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

[SCREAMING]

YOU'RE JUST GONNA GET ALL WET IN A MINUTE, EMILY.

[SCREAMING]

AH!

LESS THAN A MINUTE.

HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT THING, JERK!

HEY, TESS, I GOT YOU THIS TAPE FROM THE NO DOUBT CONCERT,

AND I GOT YOU A SHIRT.

WOW, THANKS, CODY. THAT'S AWESOME.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!

AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE PARKS AND RECREATION REGIONAL DIVING MEET

IS COMING UP AT THE END OF THIS MONTH.

SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER LAST YEAR WE GOT ROBBED

BY THOSE SNOBS FROM PALOS VERDES.

[KIDS BOOING]

THIS YEAR, WE GOT A CHANCE TO WIN BACK OUR FIRST PLACE AND OUR DIGNITY.

SO LET'S ALL WORK HARD TO PUT A TROPHY IN OUR CASE!

[CHEERING]

TESS...

THEY'VE ADDED A NEW DIVE THIS TIME:

A REVERSE PIKE OFF THE HIGH PLATFORM.

PALOS VERDES HAS IT.

WELL...I'M NOT GREAT WITH HEIGHTS...

BUT I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT, BRAD.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

HE CALLED YOU HIS GIRL?

GET OVER YOURSELF, EMILY.

OK. YOU CAN DO THIS.

JUST PRETEND IT'S LIKE THE LOW DIVE, ONLY HIGHER.

MUCH HIGHER.

LIKE MOUNT EVEREST HIGHER.

Brad: CONCENTRATE!

KEEP YOUR LEGS TOGETHER.

NICE CLEAN ENTRY.

[KIDS GROANING]

DARN!

DON'T WORRY. WE GOT A COUPLE OF WEEKS TO WORK IT OUT.

GONNA DIVE LIKE THAT AT THE REGIONALS?

WAY TO GET YOUR PICTURE IN THE DIVING LOSERS HALL OF SHAME.

YEAH? YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER? LET'S SEE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

Cody: HE CAN'T DIVE. THAT GUY'S A TOTAL SPAZOID.

OH, MY GOSH!

OH, MY GOSH!

HE'S GONNA HURT HIMSELF.

Girl: OH, MY GOSH! HE DID BETTER THAN TESS.

YOU JUST MADE THE DIVING TEAM.

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN BE ON YOUR STUPID DIVING TEAM.

Child: WHAT AN IDIOT!

THERE'S ONLY 6 SPACES ON THE TEAM.

IF HE'S ON, SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET BUMPED OFF.

I'M NUMBER 6.

IT'S GONNA BE ME.

[SIGHS]

WOW! WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS PLACE?

I BUILT IT.

YOU BUILT IT?

DESIGNED IT, SUPERVISED THE BUILDING.

WHY DO YOU HAVE A TRACTOR?

FORKLIFT, ACTUALLY.

AH. HA HA HA!

ABOUT HALF THE PIECES I WORK ON ARE, UH...

WELL, THEY'RE PRETTY LARGE‐‐

AS YOU CAN SEE, SOME OF THEM UPWARDS OF 18, 20 FEET‐‐

AND, UH, I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE LIFTING THAT MUCH,

SO A FORKLIFT COMES IN HANDY.

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.

MMM.

MY SON WOULD LOVE TO GET HIS HANDS ON SOME OF THESE TOOLS.

IS HE MECHANICALLY INCLINED?

Brooke over intercom: OH, HE LIKES TO TINKER

WITH GEARS AND PARTS.

AT LEAST HE USED TO,

UNTIL HE HIT THIS REBELLIOUS STAGE.

I THINK ALL KIDS GO THROUGH THAT.

TESTING‐THE‐LIMITS THING.

YEAH, I KNOW.

HE'S JUST UPSET ABOUT HIS DAD GETTING REMARRIED, SO HE'S ACTING OUT.

Max: OH.

Brooke: WANTS TO MAKE A STATEMENT AT THE WEDDING.

ALL RIGHT, SPEAKING OF STATEMENTS,

THIS IS ONE OF MY NEWEST PIECES.

Brooke: OH...

Nigel: EAVESDROPPING?!

NAUGHTY GIRLS.

WE'RE JUST KIDS. NOBODY TELLS US ANYTHING.

HOW ELSE ARE WE GONNA FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY,

WE DIDN'T HAVE INTERCOMS.

WHEN WE WANTED TO FIND SOMETHING OUT,

WE HAD TO PEEK THROUGH KEYHOLES

AND ROOT THROUGH TRASH JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

OK, NIGEL.

WHATEVER.

I LOVE ALL THE MOVEMENT IN IT. IT'S GREAT.

UH, GIRLS...

[FEEDBACK]

AH! BLAST IT!

SINCE YOU'RE THERE, COME ON DOWN.

BROOKE'S HERE FOR YOUR FIELD TRIP.

Emily, voice‐over: BROOKE TURNED OUT TO BE GREAT.

SHE TOOK US TO DO ALL THE FUN THINGS‐‐

GIRL STUFF.

ENJOYING YOURSELVES, GIRLS?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

SO, BROOKE, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO MEET YOUR SON?

DEFINITELY SOON. YOU GUYS WILL GET ALONG GREAT.

DO YOU THINK A COLLEGE GUY WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN?

MUCH YOUNGER.

EMILY'S CRUSHING ON OUR DIVING COACH.

TODAY, SHE PRACTICALLY DROOLED ON HIS CLIPBOARD.

YOU WOULD, TOO, IF YOU SAW HIM.

HE'S TOTALLY DREAMY.

HE WAS ON THE CALENDAR "THE MEN OF USC."

DREAMY IS GOOD,

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TRUST.

IF YOU CAN'T TRUST THE PERSON YOU LOVE,

YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

I TRUST BRAD WITH MY LIFE.

DUH. HE'S A LIFEGUARD.

GO AHEAD, LAUGH.

BUT AT LEAST I KNOW WHEN A GUY'S SENDING ME SIGNALS.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

FIGURE IT OUT.

I'M GONNA GO GET MY LEGS WAXED.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR ON THEM YET.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PRODUCTION RUN, YOU IMBECILE.

HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE YOU?

OH, NO. STOP COMPLAINING, OR I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE I FOUND YOU‐‐

AT THAT FACTORY MAKING LAWN GNOMES.

HEY, NIGE.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?

WHERE'S YOUR DADDY?

HE'S WITH BROOKE.

SHE'S THE COOLEST.

HE PRACTICALLY SPENDS ALL OF HIS TIME WITH HER.

I THINK THEY COULD REALLY FALL IN L‐‐

DON'T SAY THAT! NOT THE "L" WORD.

DON'T EVEN PUT IT OUT THERE.

DON'T YOU WANT OUR DAD TO BE HAPPY?

IF YOUR DAD GETS HAPPY, THEN HIS ART MIGHT CHANGE,

AND IF HIS ART CHANGES, THEN IT MIGHT NOT SELL,

AND IF IT DOESN'T SELL, WELL‐‐POOF!

THERE GOES YOUR SHINY LITTLE LIFE STYLES.

BYE, LADIES.

OUR SHINY LIFE STYLE?

HE'S THE ONE DRIVING A RANGE ROVER.

AND WEARING A ROLEX. IT'S PROBABLY FAKE.

HOW ABOUT THESE?

OH, THAT LOOKS GREAT. TAKE A LOOK.

SO, HOW'S IT GOING WITH THE BILLBOARD HUNK?

FINE.

YOU SET A DATE YET?

I KNOW HOW THESE REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS GO.

HE FALLS HARD FOR THE FIRST PERSON HE CLICKS WITH,

THEN NEXT MONTH I FIND OUT HE'S TWO‐TIMING ME.

SO DON'T GO PICKING OUT MY CHINA PATTERNS ANYTIME SOON.

WHOA, MISS CYNIC.

NOT EVERY GUY'S A LOWDOWN CHEATER LIKE YOUR EX‐HUSBAND.

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT UP CHINA PATTERNS.

IT'S OK TO ADMIT YOU LIKE THE GUY.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN.

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN EVERY TIME.

Tess: EMILY, YOUR FOOD'S HERE.

GUESS WHO'S CRUISING DOWN THE STREETS ON A SKATEBOARD.

LET'S GO.

Emily, voice‐over: THAT KID RYAN WAS ALWAYS SUCH A PAIN.

HE WANTED EVERYONE TO THINK THAT HE WAS ALL PUNKED OUT.

SOMEONE NEEDED TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

THAT'S ENOUGH! WE'RE GONNA MISS HIM!

[GIGGLING]

WOW! YOU TWO LOOK NICE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, TONIGHT'S OUR TWO‐MONTH ANNIVERSARY,

SO BROOKE AND I ARE SPENDING A NICE ROMANTIC EVENING ALONE.

THAT'S COOL.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU TWO GOT ROMANTIC.

NOW, DO WE NEED TO GIVE YOU THE SAFE SEX TALK?

EMILY DANIELLE...

Brooke: IT'S OK. MY SON ASKED ME THE SAME THING

WHEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT TONIGHT.

THE THREE OF YOU CAN COMPARE NOTES WHEN HE COMES OVER.

HE'S COMING OVER?

MM‐HMM. HIS FATHER'S ON HIS HONEYMOON,

SO I GET HIM FOR THE WEEKEND.

YOU THREE CAN HANG OUT WITH NIGEL TONIGHT. WON'T THAT BE FUN?

YEAH. YEAH.

[HORN HONKS]

Brooke: THAT MUST BE HIM. WILL YOU GET IT?

HUH!

HUH!

OH, MY GOD! RYAN, WHAT HAPPENED?

I WIPED OUT ON MY SKATEBOARD.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO PERMANENT DAMAGE.

LET'S GET YOU UPSTAIRS, CLEANED UP, AND CHANGED BEFORE YOU CATCH COLD.

COME ON. RIGHT THIS WAY.

Brooke: COME ON, SWEETIE.

HOW COME HE DIDN'T TELL?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU HAVE A LOT OF FUN, ALL RIGHT?

COME HERE. GIVE ME A KISS.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU TWO TO MAKE RYAN FEEL RIGHT AT HOME, OK?

Brooke: READY?

YOU BET, HON.

RYAN...YOUR CLOTHES ARE IN THE DRYER. BE GOOD.

WE WON'T BE TOO LATE.

ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL, YOU JUST...

WELL, TALK TO NIGEL.

HA HA! NIGEL.

PRETTY COOL STEREO. IMPRESSIVE.

WE HAVE AN ALARM SYSTEM.

[SIGHS]

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ON US?

BECAUSE I'M NOT A RAT.

SPARE US THE PRISON CODE OF HONOR.

YOU DIDN'T TELL 'CAUSE NOW YOU'VE GOT ONE UP ON US.

YOU CAN USE IT LATER WHEN YOU REALLY WANT REVENGE.

FOR A BETTY, YOU'RE NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK.

DON'T CALL ME A BETTY. AND WHAT'S ALL THAT STUFF

ABOUT GROWING UP IN FOSTER HOMES?

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF PATHOLOGICAL LIAR?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[SNORING LOUDLY]

Ryan: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS GUY WAS YOUR DAD'S AGENT.

WHAT'S HE DOING SNOOZING ON YOUR CHAIR?

WHAT, DOES HE LIVE HERE?

NO. OUR DAD'S HIS ONLY CLIENT.

WHATEVER.

BYE, DORKS. I'M OUT OF HERE.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RUDE?

I WOULDN'T EXPECT YOU TWO TO UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE THESE PERFECT LITTLE PEOPLE WITH THIS PERFECT LIFE.

WE'RE NOT PERFECT.

NOBODY IS.

AND OUR LIFE'S NOT PERFECT EITHER.

YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER TRIED HASN'T WORKED OUT.

I CAN'T DO A REVERSE DIVE.

THAT'S JUST SOME STUPID DIVE

IN SOME DUMB LOCAL COMPETITION.

WHY DOES IT MATTER THAT MUCH TO YOU ANYHOW?

MY MOTHER WAS A BALLERINA.

THIS IS AS CLOSE AS I COULD GET.

WELL, THAT'S THE LAMEST EXCUSE I'VE EVER HEARD.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE YOUR FATHER GOT MARRIED AGAIN

DOESN'T MEAN HE WON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

WHO ASKED YOU, MUNCHKIN?

I'M MONSTER.

I'M MUNCHKIN.

WHATEVER. AND BY THE WAY,

I DECIDED TO JOIN THE DIVING TEAM AFTER ALL.

GUESS WHO'S OFF IT.

Nigel: NO! NO! NO! NOT POLYESTER!

Max: AH, YOU'RE RIGHT, HONEY. HE'S HERE.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

JUST WAITING TO GO HOME.

WHERE'S MY MOM?

SHE'S OUT IN THE CAR.

I'LL GIVE YOU BOTH A LIFT HOME.

LISTEN, YOUR MOM TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR DAD GETTING REMARRIED.

THAT'S GOT TO BE A TOUGH ONE, HUH?

NO BIGGIE.

YEAH. WELL, I'LL TELL YOU...

I'VE BEEN OUTNUMBERED BY WOMEN FOR SO LONG HERE,

BE NICE TO HAVE ANOTHER GUY AROUND.

READY TO GO?

YEAH.

LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

Nigel: CAREFUL, YOU IDIOT.

I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER BROKEN ONE.

THAT'S MY NEW BMW YOU'RE HOLDING.

WHAT'S THE RUSH ON THESE PHONY TYLER SCULPTURES?

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHAT THE NEW STUFF WILL BE LIKE.

IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS STUPID WOMAN IN HIS LIFE,

HE'D STILL BE MAKING THE OLD STUFF, AND THAT SELLS.

DON'T THROW A HISSY FIT.

JUST TELL TYLER TO DUMP THE CHICK,

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED.

ALL THIS HOOPLA OVER THIS STUFF. SHEESH!

NIGEL, HI.

OH. SAT ON MY GLASSES.

OH, NO!

MAX SAID YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP ME OUT.

SURE. COME ON IN. I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN YOU SAVE THEM?

WELL, THEY'RE ALMOST NOT WORTH REPAIRING.

HOW ABOUT A NEW PAIR?

OH. BRILLIANT!

BROOKE, IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SEE MAX HAS FOUND SOMEONE.

ADMIT IT. YOU'RE HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HIM, TOO.

OK, YOU CAUGHT ME. I ADMIT IT.

WHEN MAX WAS A STUDENT IN ITALY, I DISCOVERED HIM.

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

NO, BUT I'D LOVE TO GO SOMEDAY.

WHAT ABOUT IT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO?

RENT A HOUSE IN THE ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE,

NICE ROMANTIC SUMMER ABROAD.

I WOULD LOVE TO RENT A HOUSE IN ITALY WITH MAX,

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

THEY'D WANT TO STAY WITH THEIR FRIENDS.

LEAVE THEM WITH ME.

YOU'D TAKE THE KIDS FOR A WHOLE SUMMER?

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL WITH A NEW RELATIONSHIP.

I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE GREAT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH MAX ALONE.

IT'S NOT EASY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER WITH 3 KIDS RUNNING AROUND.

NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE HIS GIRLS. THEY'RE GREAT.

RYAN, OF COURSE, IS ANOTHER STORY.

HE'LL HAVE TO COME AROUND IN HIS OWN TIME.

CAN I MAKE A CONFESSION?

HMM?

IN EUROPE, MAX MIGHT ACTUALLY BE INSPIRED

TO GET SOME WORK DONE.

I KNOW MAX HASN'T BEEN WORKING ENOUGH SINCE WE MET,

BUT STARTING TODAY, I'M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN,

AND I'M SENDING HIM STRAIGHT TO HIS STUDIO

WITH STRICT INSTRUCTIONS NOT TO COME OUT UNTIL HE'S CREATED HIS NEW MASTERPIECE.

I DON'T WANT HIM GOING BROKE ON MY ACCOUNT.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY JOB SO MUCH EASIER.

SO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HONESTLY? THEY MAKE YOU LOOK KIND OF DEVIOUS.

I'LL TAKE THEM.

I'LL GO BACK AND GET YOU A CASE.

EMILY, DID YOU BORROW MY‐‐

SHH!

NIGEL'S TALKING TO BROOKE ABOUT DADDY.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE PLANNING TO MOVE TO ITALY.

ITALY? COOL.

NOT COOL. WE'RE NOT INVITED.

Brooke over intercom: I WOULD LOVE TO RENT A HOUSE IN ITALY WITH MAX.

IT WOULD BE GREAT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH MAX ALONE.

Nigel: WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE THEM WITH SOME STRANGER.

THEY'RE STAYING WITH ME, AND THAT'S ALL.

Brooke on tape: YOU'D TAKE THE KIDS FOR A WHOLE SUMMER?

OF COURSE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

SEND THEM OFF TO SOME BOARDING SCHOOL?

GREAT IDEA. SEND THEM AWAY.

IT'S NOT EASY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER WITH 3 KIDS RUNNING AROUND.

MAX WOULD NEVER AGREE TO THAT.

HE'LL HAVE TO COME AROUND IN HIS OWN TIME.

HOW MUCH IS MAX WORTH?

THAT'S CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER, I'D THINK YOU WERE AFTER HIS MONEY.

OK, YOU CAUGHT ME. I ADMIT IT.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET HIM GET HURT BY SOME GOLD DIGGER.

DOUBLETS!

WHY THE LONG FACES?

TELL YOUR UNCLE NIGEL WHAT'S GOT YOU SO DOWN.

DON'T TRY TO ACT ALL CHEERY FOR US.

WE HEARD YOU TALKING WITH BROOKE.

OH, DEAR.

I WAS HOPING TO SPARE YOU TWO THE UGLY TRUTH.

YOU'RE SO YOUNG AND IMPRESSIONABLE.

HOW MUCH DID YOU HEAR?

THEY'RE MOVING TO EUROPE?

SHE'S GOING TO MAKE DAD SEND US AWAY TO BOARDING SCHOOL?

AND SHE'S AFTER HIS MONEY.

OH, GOOD! THEN YOU MISSED THE PART

ABOUT THE 3 EX‐HUSBANDS, RIGHT?

3 OF THEM?

HOW DO YOU THINK SHE GOT THE MONEY TO START HER OWN BUSINESS?

ALL THIS TIME, SHE'S BEEN LYING TO US.

WE THOUGHT SHE LOVED DAD.

AND SHE SEEMED SO TERRIFIC.

IT'S TIME YOU LEARNED THAT PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR TO BE.

THIS IS TERRIBLE! WE CAN'T LET HER BREAK UP OUR FAMILY!

SHE'S GONNA HURT DADDY, AND HE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA HOW TO GET RID OF HER,

BUT I'LL NEED YOUR HELP.

[POWER TOOL WHIRRING]

Nigel: GOOD MORNING, MAX.

GET OUT YOUR DRAWING PAD. I BROUGHT YOU INSPIRATION.

NIGEL, I DON'T NEED A MODEL TODAY.

OH, JUST DO IT AS A FAVOR TO ONE OF MY COUNTRYMEN.

THE POOR DOVE WILL BE DEPORTED IF SHE DOESN'T GET HER WORK PAPERS.

MAKE ME LOOK GOOD, CAN'T YOU?

WELL, I GUESS I COULD DO SOME SKETCHING.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD FROM YOU

ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME I'VE BEEN WASTING.

GREAT.

YOU'RE HIRED, DOLL. GO GET UNDRESSED.

THERE'S A ROBE IN THE STORAGE ROOM.

JUST THROW YOUR CLOTHES ANYWHERE.

WHAT IS THAT FOR, NIGEL?

I'M THIRSTY.

I'LL BET YOU'RE THIRSTY.

[CHUCKLING]

YOU'RE WANTED AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE.

THAT MAX! HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WAS GOING TO WORK

ON HIS SCULPTURE ALL DAY TODAY.

AW... HE MISSES YOU. HOW CUTE.

HA HA HA!

HELLO.

HELLO?

ANYTHING FOR NIGEL, BELIEVE ME.

THERE.

SHE LOOKS SO CRUSHED. I REALLY FEEL GUILTY.

SHE'S A GOLD DIGGER. WE HAD NO CHOICE.

IF WE DID THE RIGHT THING, THEN HOW COME I FEEL SO CRUMMY?

I SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED MY INSTINCTS.

I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

TALK TO THE GUY. MAYBE THERE'S SOME EXPLANATION.

OH, THERE'S AN EXPLANATION.

ALL MEN ARE THE SAME. THEY'RE LIARS,

AND THEY'RE CHEATERS, AND THEY'RE TWO‐TIMING JERKS,

AND THOSE ARE THEIR GOOD QUALITIES.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING!

BILLBOARD DAD TURNED INTO A BILLBOARD JERK.

I'M SORRY, RYAN. I DIDN'T MEAN TO SNAP.

I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN SPENDING AS MUCH TIME WITH YOU AS I SHOULD.

I KNOW YOU'RE BUMMED OUT ABOUT YOUR DAD.

I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS UP TO YOU, I PROMISE.

ANY WORD FROM THE GOLD DIGGER?

NONE. SHE WON'T EVEN RETURN DAD'S CALLS.

SPLENDID.

DON'T SAY UNCLE NIGEL DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF THINGS.

WE GOT TO GO TO OUR DIVING MEET.

YEAH.

[CLATTERING]

HOW'S THE WORK COMING, MAXWELL?

[IRRITATED] FINE, JUST FINE.

I'VE GOT MY TORTURED SOUL BACK.

Cody: DIVING FOR PALOS VERDES IN THE 3‐METER SPRINGBOARD,

JENNY SMITH.

[CHEERING]

DIVING FOR THE SQUIDS, CAROL CLARK.

Children: SQUID! SQUID! SQUIRT 'EM, SQUID!

[CHEERING]

THIS CONCLUDES THE 3‐METER SPRINGBOARD PART OF THE COMPETITION.

Children: SQUID! SQUID! SQUIRT 'EM, SQUID!

Cody: WITH THE SCORE STILL TIED,

IT LOOKS LIKE THE 5‐METER PLATFORM WILL HAVE TO DETERMINE THE CHAMPIONSHIP

BETWEEN PALOS VERDES AND THE WEST SIDE SQUIDS.

NOW DIVING FOR PALOS VERDES, PHIL JOHNSON.

[CHEERING]

TESS, THE ENTIRE REPUTATION OF OUR SWIM CLUB RESTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

SO...RELAX AND HAVE FUN.

EASY FOR HIM TO SAY.

YEAH! COME ON, TESS! GO, TESS!

COME ON, TESS!

GO, TESS!

GO, TESS!

[CHANTING] GO, TESS! GO, TESS! GO, TESS! GO, TESS!

YES!

Cody: LOOKED LIKE A VERY GOOD DIVE FROM TYLER.

SHE WAS A LITTLE OVER ON THE ENTRY, BUT LET'S WAIT FOR THE SCORE.

[RAPPING] ♪ WITH ONE ROUND OF PLATFORM DIVING LEFT ♪

♪ WE ARE STILL TIED, AND THAT IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS ♪

YEAH!

Girl: ALL RIGHT, TESS!

Ryan: GOOD DIVE, TESS.

Brad: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT YOUR SUIT ON!

I'M NOT DIVING TODAY.

Brad: WHAT?

DON'T PLAY WITH ME, BOY. OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I CAN'T. I JUST GOT A NEW TATTOO.

IT HAS TO STAY OUT OF WATER FOR 48 HOURS.

DOCTOR'S ORDERS.

THAT'S JUST GREAT. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I COULDN'T COUNT ON YOU.

NOW WE'RE SHORT A DIVER.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'VE GOT EMILY.

EMILY, I NEED YOU.

ME?

YEAH. I BEEN WATCHING YOU, AND YOU'RE LOOKING REALLY GOOD LATELY.

THANKS, BRAD. SO ARE YOU.

HUH?

EMILY, GO GET YOUR SUIT ON. WE'RE ALL COUNTING ON YOU.

Cody: AND FOR THE FINAL DIVE FOR THE P. V. DIVING TEAM,

IT'S HERMAN SCHLEKENBERGER.

GO FOR IT!

[CHEERING]

OHH...

Cody: IT LOOKS LIKE THE WINNER OF THIS MEET

WILL BE DECIDED BY EMILY TYLER'S FINAL DIVE.

SHE NEEDS A COMBINED SCORE OF AT LEAST 22

TO WIN THE MEET FOR WEST SIDE SQUIDS.

[CHEERING]

Cody: SHE DID IT!

EMILY TYLER WINS IT FOR THE SQUIDS ON THE LAST DIVE!

HOW COME YOU LIED TO THE COACH SO I COULD DIVE?

Ryan: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DID?

NO TATTOO.

Autumn: CONGRATULATIONS, EMILY.

THANK YOU.

I HEAR YOU SQUIDS REALLY DOUSED THEM.

HA HA!

SO I DIDN'T SEE YOUR DAD AT THE MEET.

HE WAS TOTALLY BUMMED OUT BECAUSE YOUR MOM AND HIM BROKE UP.

MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HER.

HE DIDN'T. AND MAYBE SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED TO HIM ABOUT ALL THOSE EX‐HUSBANDS.

AND TRIED TO GET HER HANDS ON HIS MONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MY DAD'S THE ONLY EX‐HUSBAND THAT SHE'S GOT.

AND THE BUSINESS IS DOING GREAT.

SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR DAD'S MONEY.

NIGEL. NIGEL.

YEAH, NIGEL. IF THERE'S ANYONE

THAT'S STEALING YOUR DAD'S MONEY, IT'S HIM.

HERE, COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU.

Man: HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

WE HAVE TO WARN YOUR FATHER.

Emily: HE'LL NEVER BELIEVE US.

I MEAN, HE TRUSTS NIGEL WAY TOO MUCH.

HE WILL IF HE HEARS IT FROM NIGEL HIMSELF.

YEAH, RIGHT. LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

WAIT. I'VE GOT AN IDEA! COME ON!

Tess, voice‐over: WE NEEDED CODY'S HELP,

BUT WHEN I FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH HIM AND SAW HIM PUNKED OUT,

I REALIZED HE WAS GOING THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS,

AND THAT WASN'T ALL HE WAS CONFUSED ABOUT.

CODY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?

OK, I KNOW IT SEEMS DESPERATE,

BUT I TRIED FLATTERY, EVEN CONCERT TICKETS.

IT GOT ME ZILCH.

IT'S OBVIOUS YOUR SISTER GOES FOR BAD BOYS.

IF TESS DOESN'T GET THE MESSAGE THAT I LIKE HER NOW,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BECOME A MONK.

EMILY, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

DO I LOOK THAT RIDICULOUS?

I'M TESS.

OH, MY GOSH. YOU'RE‐‐ I'M DEAD.

CODY, SNAP OUT OF IT. WE NEED YOUR HELP.

ANYTHING.

FILTHY.

HERE'S THE SKETCH OF THE NEW SCULPTURE DAD'S BEEN WORKING ON.

OH...

LIKE IT?

IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE IF YOU CAN HELP THE CATERER SET UP?

MEET ME AT THE LOADING SITE.

I'VE SEEN MAX'S NEW WORK.

NOW, YOU IGNORAMUS!

Nigel: I NEED AS MANY COPIES OF THAT AS YOU CAN MAKE. CHOP‐CHOP.

Man: I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE BUY THIS STUFF.

OH, BELIEVE. I'M GONNA BE RICH, RICH, RICH.

EVERYONE'S GONNA WANT ONE OF THESE NEW STATUES,

ESPECIALLY THE PEOPLE WHO BOUGHT THE OLD ONES.

I'M GOING TO BE SO FILTHY RICH SELLING MAX TYLER'S KNOCKOFFS,

I WON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE. HEE HEE HEE!

GOT IT.

THIS IS GREAT.

COMPLETE DEPARTURE FROM HIS EARLIER STUFF.

AHA. WELL, IT'S SO REFRESHING, DON'T YOU THINK?

I TOLD MAXWELL HIS PUBLIC'S READY FOR A NEW DEPARTURE.

HE'S RIGHT. THIS NEW WORK IS SO EXCITING.

I HAVE TO HAVE A PIECE FOR MY COLLECTION.

COME ON, HONEY. LET'S PICK ONE.

GREAT.

♪ NIGEL'S RICH, NIGEL'S RICH ♪

♪ NIGEL'S ROLLING IN THE DOUGH ♪

♪ AND THE BEST PART OF THIS LITTLE SCAM ♪

♪ IS NO ONE'S GOING TO KNOW ♪

HA HA HA!

WHERE IS MY MEAL TICKET?

IT'S HIS OPENING.

WELL, I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO DO EVERYTHING.

Answering machine: HELLO. BROOKE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE. THANK YOU.

UH, BROOKE, HI. MAX AGAIN.

STILL TRYING TO REACH YOU.

I'VE LEFT MESSAGES...HERE. LEFT THEM AT THE STORE.

PLEASE CALL ME.

THERE YOU ARE.

YOUR NEW WORK HAS YOUR PUBLIC ALL ABUZZ.

THEY'RE CRYING FOR A SPEECH.

OH, NIGEL, I DON'T WANT TO.

I JUST‐‐I DON'T CARE IF THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.

NO, NO. JUST COME DOWN THERE WITH ME.

I'LL DO ALL THE TALKING, FRIEND.

FINE, FINE. YOU DO THE TALKING.

YOU ALWAYS DO.

MAXWELL TYLER, EVERYONE.

THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, AND GRACIOUS THANKS

FOR SHARING IN THIS EXCITING EVENING.

PSST. DAD, COME HERE.

WHEN MAXWELL TOLD ME THAT HE WAS WORKING ON SOMETHING TRANSITIONAL,

I KNEW IT WOULD BE SOMETHING WONDERFUL,

AND THAT'S WHY I TOLD HIM TO GO FOR IT!

DAD, YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THIS.

GIRLS, LATER, LATER.

BUT, DAD!

I SAID LATER.

WE'VE GOT TO STOP HIM.

GIVE ME THE TAPE.

Nigel: WHEN I FOUND MAXWELL TYLER,

HE WAS PRACTICALLY STARVING ON THE STREET.

BUT THANKS TO MY ARTISTIC GUIDANCE, HE'S BECOME A STAR.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'VE BEEN MORE THAN AN AGENT,

MORE THAN A FRIEND.

Emily: NIGEL, GIVE ME THAT.

I'VE BEEN HIS MUSE.

IS ANYONE HERE BUYING THIS BALONEY?

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME STRAIGHT TALK? LISTEN TO THIS SONG.

CRANK IT UP, CODY.

WHAT ARE YOU DO‐‐

Nigel on tape, set to rap music: I NEED AS MANY COPIES OF THAT AS YOU CAN MAKE...

CAN MAKE, CAN MAKE, CAN MAKE‐‐MAKE‐‐MAKE.

I'M GONNA BE RICH, RICH, RICH, FILTHY, FILTHY RICH SELLING MAX TYLER'S KNOCKOFFS...

KNOCKOFFS, K‐K‐KNOCKOFFS.

[CROWD MURMURING]

NIGEL?

I DID THE MIX.

TELL OUR DAD HOW YOU'VE BEEN FORGING HIS SCULPTURES.

AND SELLING FAKES TO ALL THESE HONEST PEOPLE.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS! I'VE BEEN DOING NO SUCH THING!

NIGEL.

Man: UH‐OH. WATCH OUT.

IS THIS TRUE?

Nigel: IF YOU ASK ME, YOU SHOULD SEND THE TWO LITTLE NOSY BRATS

TO BOARDING SCHOOL!

OH! DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

YEAH, NIGEL, YOU DID.

YOU DON'T HONESTLY BELIEVE

I WOULD FORGE YOUR ART JUST TO MAKE MONEY.

SEE, WHAT I DO I DON'T DO FOR MONEY.

OF COURSE YOU DON'T!

SOMEONE HAS TO LOOK OUT FOR YOUR FINANCIAL WELL‐BEING.

I THINK THE ONLY PERSON YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING OUT FOR IS YOURSELF!

OH, BUG OFF, YOU BLOODY INGRATE!

AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU,

I'M ENTITLED TO A PROFIT.

YOU AND THE LITTLE RUG RATS CAN EAT MY SKIVVIES.

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY GIRLS LIKE THAT.

Nigel: WHOA!

Max: YOU'RE FIRED!

OH! OH...

AND LOSE THE PHONY BRITISH ACCENT.

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE FROM NEW JERSEY!

[MAN LAUGHS]

MY NEW SUIT!

JUST GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME! ARGH!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. PARTY'S OVER.

EVERYBODY GO HOME.

COME HERE.

GIVE ME THAT.

DADDY, ARE YOU GOING TO BE MAD AT US FOREVER?

MONSTER, MUNCHKIN, PULL UP A SEAT.

COME ON.

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

I KNOW, DAD. YOU'RE WORSE THAN MAD.

YOU'RE SAD.

WE'RE REALLY SORRY.

WE MESSED THINGS UP BIG TIME,

ESPECIALLY FOR YOU AND BROOKE.

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I THINK BROOKE AND ME, WE JUST...

WE WEREN'T MEANT TO BE.

NO, DAD. NIGEL WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

I THINK ALL OF US, ESPECIALLY ME,

WE HAVE TO STOP FOCUSSING

ON WHAT'S HAPPENED IN THE PAST.

WE NEED A NEW START, A FRESH BEGINNING. AGREED?

SURE, DAD.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

FROM NOW ON, IT'S JUST GONNA BE THE 3 OF US, OUR FAMILY.

I'LL BE SPENDING A LOT MORE TIME WITH YOU TWO.

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS,

NO MORE OF THESE EXTRA PEOPLE.

DEFINITELY‐‐

DEFINITELY NO MORE GIRLFRIENDS, ALL RIGHT?

JUST BE MY TWO FAVORITES, HUH?

COME HERE, COME HERE. COME HERE. AHH...

NOW, COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

HE REALLY MISSES BROOKE.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

SO THIS IS WHY YOU DRAGGED ME TO THE MUSEUM.

COULD WE TALK TO YOU?

WE REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING.

MOM, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

Emily and Tess: DAD!

LOOK!

WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THE NEWS?

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR TELEVISION. WE GOT WORK TO DO.

TV: BILLBOARD DAD IS AT IT AGAIN.

THERE'S ANOTHER MESSAGE OVER THE SUNSET STRIP,

BUT THIS TIME, IT'S FOR HIM.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE LUCKY LADY IS,

BUT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW IT DOES PAY TO ADVERTISE.

Max: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU GIRLS NEVER TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!

WE DIDN'T DO IT!

HONEST!

WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T, WHO DID?

TV: HERE IN LOS ANGELES, PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET NOTICED.

[MAX CHUCKLES]

[BUZZER]

SO WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

WELL, I FIGURED THE ONLY WAY TO CATCH YOUR ATTENTION

WAS WITH AN IMPRESSIVE VISUAL STATEMENT.

WELL...

YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

THANK YOU, BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE BILLBOARD.

I FIGURE THE BILLBOARD SAYS IT ALL.

WELL...NOT EVERYTHING.

[GIGGLING]

AND EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

EVEN ME...UNLESS THERE'S SOME INFORMATION YOU'RE NOT SHARING.

TRUST ME. YOU'RE HAPPY.

NOT THAT HAPPY.

ALL RIGHT, I'M HAPPY, TOO,

BUT DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

HAPPY IS BAD FOR MY IMAGE.

SEE? EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

WELL...

ALMOST EVERYONE.

Nigel: LOVELY ORIGINAL ARTWORK HERE.

GET YOUR LOVELY ORIGINAL ARTWORK‐‐

SOMETHING TO HANG OVER THE MANTELPIECE.

LOVELY ORIGINAL ARTWORK.

FASCINATING DOGS PLAYING FASCINATING DOG TRICKS

ON A FASCINATING TAPESTRY.

SIR, LOVELY ORIGINAL WORK.

YOU, MA'AM, YOU LOOK LIKE A WOMAN THAT NEEDS A DOG OVER HER MANTELPIECE TODAY.