Original subtitles

35 -16, go ahead, Control.

Copy that, 76 Monument Road, I'm Code

2, 35 -16 out.

Excuse me, ma 'am. What?

Oh.

Sorry, what can I do for you?

We got a report of what sounded like gunshots coming from this residence.

Really?

Yeah.

Is there a problem?

No. Other than the fact that I had an idiot son, everything's fine.

Look, this is going to sound stupid, but here it is.

I was upstairs and I heard what I thought were gunshots coming from down

come running down and I see my idiot son and his idiot friends pounding on some

bullets with a hammer.

You're kidding me.

No, did you ever hear of anything so dumb? No.

That's the first.

Lucky they didn't kill themselves.

You're telling me.

I wanted to strangle everyone a little faster.

Is your son here now?

No. When I saw what they were doing, I went and did a screaming fit and told

them to get out of my house.

They all took off on their bikes somewhere.

They're probably at the Woodley place down the road.

Your gun's in the house, I take it.

I have a gun, but I keep it locked up so I can avoid situations like this.

I didn't lock up the ammunition because I didn't think I had to. I figured, you

know, how dangerous can a bullet be if they don't have a gun to put it in?

So it's fucking me.

Now I have to idiot -proof the ammunition.

Which completely defeats the purpose for having a gun for home defense.

If someone broke in, I'd be raped.

Damn, I'm bludgeoned before I can even get my key in one of those trigger

Well, all right. If that's all it is, I'll be on my way. And I know I keep

calling my son an idiot, but I'm just exaggerating. He's a smart kid.

Just does really stupid shit sometimes.

And I guess I could take him to a shrink.

And they could give him some fancy name for it, like autism or Asperger's or

ADHD.

I guess I could pump him full of Ritalin.

Turn him into some brain -dead zombie.

You know, when all is said and done, I'd rather have a kid that is a pain in the

ass, but has some personality, instead of some mindless robot.

Who might even do something like that just to make my life a little easier?

That's the mark of a weakling.

Can't handle the shit life deals out.

I understand. You know, I had two of my own. The thing is, his father died last

year of cancer, and...

I know that's affected him.

Not to mention what it's done to me.

My head is like a pinball machine 24 hours a day.

My brother tried to set me up on a date last week.

I don't even know how to date anymore.

Half the time I think I never want to see a penis again and the other half I'm

so horny I could hump a doorknob.

Guess I went a little far on that one, huh?

A little bit.

Don't worry about it.

I just wish things were easier.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm part of the problem.

Maybe I'm making things harder than they have to be.

Maybe I should stop punishing myself for past mistakes by denying me what would

make me happy right now.

Maybe that's just the thing.

Exist for the right now.

What do you think about that?

Not the voice in the mood, but... Do you have any condoms?

No. But if I had to protect me, does that work?

Definitely.

Any disease things we need to work around?

No. You?

No. It's me.

Oh no, that's out of the way.

Fuck, if I meant that.

Oh, you feel good.

No good?

You taste good.

You want the bedroom? No, I need room to do my thing.

If you want to start, I want to finish before you start.

Four? What?

What? I just want to take a mental snapshot.

You're fucking beautiful.

Four?

Do you want top or bottom?

Top. Okay. Okay?

Yeah, I'm good with either.

Kiss me.

Faster, slower.

No, just keep doing what you're doing.

Okay, okay.

Easy, slower.

Okay, now just stop and just leave your hand there.

Everything's back in focus.

Yeah.

By the way, Shelby.

Ruth.

That's a good group you got there.

Thanks.

Here's one of those.

Squeezy thingies.

I don't know what the technical name for it is.

Actually, I think squeezy thingy is the technical name for it.

Wiseass.

Apologies about the quick finish, by the way.

There's something that turned out on the wall.

Well, at least you were gentlemanly enough not to just roll over and go to

sleep.

I'll make it up to you in round two.

Oh, round two, Mr. Big Talker.

You think you got round two in you?

If you give me some recharge time, I do.

Do we have to worry about your son coming home?

Oh, no. He knows to stay away for a bit after one of my rampages.

We've got a couple of hours at least.

Do we need to worry about you calling him to work?

Actually, yeah. We do need to worry about that.

I guess I could call and sit on my radio.

I mean, better if you didn't want me to stay.

I won't take it personal if you don't. I mean, do you want to stay?

I don't know.

It's your place. I don't want to wear out my welcome.

All right.

No more wishy -washy stuff.

From now on, total honesty, though.

Yeah. I want you to stay. Yeah, I want to stay, too.

Okay, good.

That's settled.

All right.

Now I just need to get up.

That's what I want to do right now.

No, I'm not.

I think you done drained all the strength from my legs, Shelby.

All right.

I'm gonna get up this time. For real.

Here we go.

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting.

Hi, Dears, it's Shelby.

Hi, uh, does Josh happen to be over there?

Okay, uh, good. Um, look, I've got kind of a big favor to ask. I had a little

bit of a meltdown with him earlier.

I could really use the night to myself.

Uh, would it be okay if he stayed over with you tonight?

Yeah, I'll call you in the morning before I come pick him up.

Okay.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

And I just called my friend, and she's going to let my friend stay over. So my

night's free, and you can stay as long as you want.

Okay.

Sounds great.

Good.

So we've dealt with my kid's situation and your work situation.

Just leaves one more situation left.

You want to talk?

I'm going to fix the problem.

Perfect.

Just like that, huh? Just like that.

As long as you're on these premises, you belong to me.

So, what do you want to do now?

Uh, I got a trail that goes out to Abbott Pond. Wanna go for a hike?

Alright.

Alright.

Alright?

Come on, where's the enthusiasm?

Nature hike, woo!

Get back.

You're a little weird.

Only a little?

I must be slipping.

Normally I reside somewhere between a high 7 .8, low 8 .3 on the weirdness

scale.

I just don't bump up to an 8 .4 when I'm in a really rowdy mood.

You're a little weird. You talk a lot. Yeah, well, you barely talk at all,

Hey, you can piss out.

You think so?

I do.

What?

Nothing. It's just, after seeing you naked, it seems like a shame to come

to that body of clothes.

Shut up.

Is that a blush I see on Miss Shelby?

Oh.

It's about the role in our conversation.

Well, don't feel too bad.

Most people have the small talk before the mind -blowing sex, so... You do it

reverse, it's bound to be a little bit awkward.

I guess.

I don't want to doubt my body contact.

Words to live by.

Good night.

I know, right?

Come on.

I want to show you something.

So we had a beaver problem a while back.

They were a total pain in the ass, but look how precise their work was.

Come down, look.

Alright.

Look, every tooth mark is like a perfect little hatchet strike.

Think about how much time and patience it would take to bring down a whole tree

bite by bite.

Yeah.

Come on, I want to show you something else.

Okay, so this is something I do with my son.

Close your eyes.

Alright, now don't answer right away.

Take a couple moments and clear your mind.

And then tell me how many different sounds you can hear.

Okay.

Alright, here we go.

The wind blowing through the leaves.

A bird.

A wire lapping against the shore.

Different bird.

Some kids playing at our house across the pond.

Airplane in the distance.

That's good.

That sticks right off the top of your head.

It's good to clear your mind and just focus every once in a while.

I like to hope this one big loud jumble of noise.

Close your eyes again.

So have you always wanted to be a cop?

Hell no.

Up until a few years ago, I was a musician.

Really? What instrument?

I played guitar in a classic country cover band called Whiskey River.

What made you quit?

It wasn't any one big tragic event. It was just too many years of good, but not

good enough.

Looking back, I don't know if it was...

A lack of talent, a lack of luck.

I always heard you made your own luck.

You know who says that?

Lucky people.

Trust me, from what I've seen in my own life and in my current job, bad luck is

a living, breathing animal.

If it gets its hooks in you, it can hold on for years if it chooses to.

I guess.

So, classic country, is that like Garth Brooks?

What? Fuck Garth Brooks.

While we're at it, fuck Tim McGraw.

And fuck Faith Hill, too.

I'm talking Willie, Waylon, Johnny, Don Williams, Tom T. Hall.

Not this pop music with a country twang shit that they make today.

No, country music used to be about the working class and what the working class

really was.

You know, alcoholism, adultery, distracting yourself from small -town

with destructive habits.

And now it's just about what the working class wants to see themselves as.

You know, I love my wife, and I want to sit on my porch with her and support the

troops and read the Bible and watch Old Glory wave in the breeze. Fuck that.

Taylor Swift is good, right?

You're lucky you're cute.

I really kind of am.

So, what do you do, Shelby?

Well, gee, Bruce, thanks for asking.

Sorry.

My small talk skills are kind of rough, so what do you do, Shelby?

Well, gee, Bruce, thanks for asking.

I work at Pendleton Plastics.

How do you like that?

Well, I don't hate it, which at this stage in the game is kind of an

accomplishment. But there's a sort of poetry in any job if you look for it.

Poetry in a factory job?

Sure. Like the mom who works four overtime shifts to buy her kid an Xbox.

Or the fat old guy who plays nothing but love songs on his radio. What's his

deal? Is he...

Hiding for a long -lost love, or is he waiting for a love that may never come?

I don't know.

My old man did that blue -collar work for years, and he never got any poetry

of it. Just a bad back, and bad knees, and a bad disposition.

Well, it's a matter of perspective.

I'll tell you, many times in life, perspective has saved me from the

consequences.

What?

What happened?

What's the matter?

A bug flew in my mouth.

You should swallow it. That's extra protein.

I could feel its wings on my tongue.

See, that's what you get. That's the country God's punishing you for your

taste in music.

Here, kiss it.

Like a bug breath.

So, what is the first thing we do when we get back to the Nathan Head?

Celebrate our daring pioneer spirit.

No. Take a step.

Ah.

So, they usually jump on your pant leg and work their way up, so start there.

I'm going to check my neck.

They can hide anywhere. Once I found one of the little walkers in my ear.

Nasty. Yeah, tell me about it.

I thought I had a scab.

And so I went to go and pick it, and it was one of those little fuckers. I had

to take, like, an hour -long shower just to get the skeeve off. But not before I

smashed the little fucker with a phone book. Stop using the word little. What?

You're saying the word little too much. You're using one certain adjective.

Oh, yeah? Well, here's another one for you.

Stupid. That's you.

Funny.

Oh,

wait, there's a tick. Where? There.

Oh!

There's another one.

No, there is not another one.

What the hell was that?

My karate chop pose.

That's what that is?

It's really intimidating.

You know it.

You want something to drink?

Nah. A beer?

I want to play Truth or Dare.

Oh, fun.

I dare you to strip down naked and go out on your deck.

That's not the way it works.

You have to follow proper protocol.

You say truth or dare, I choose, and you give me a challenge that corresponds to

that decision. Oh, God, all right.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to strip down naked and go out on your deck.

See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Harder than it had to be.

Impressed? Definitely.

Okay, your turn.

What? No.

I can't take part in public nudity. I'm a duly appointed officer of the law.

It sounds to me like you're a duly appointed officer of chicken shit. Oh,

this how we're doing it now? Yeah, that's how it is.

Alright, I guess I can't sit here and let my character be slandered.

Now look up.

How's it feel?

Very free.

Back to nature.

Is this your first time with outdoor nudity?

Yep.

Ever?

Yep.

I need to stay for the moment.

Hold on.

Help me lay this out.

to my chest.

Gotcha.

He's pumped.

What gets you going like that?

Kind of weird.

Well, now I have to know.

Have you ever kissed someone and then they start to laugh right in the middle

it? Like when your lips are still pressed together?

Yeah, I guess.

For some reason, when that happens, they...

It sends this vibration from my mouth right to my crotch.

What? Well, this I've got to see for myself.

Okay.

I'm going to kiss you, and when I do, I want you to tickle me right here.

Oh, my God, you're getting hard.

I told you.

Oh, you're so odd.

Quiet.

If I was a poet, I'd write a sonnet for the magazine.

Ah!

Nice!

Like this.

That's more like it.

Maybe like this.

Uh -huh.

That's enough.

I don't know about you, but I need to hydrate.

I'm not behind you.

Don't stay out too long. I don't want your junk to get sunburned.

Shit.

I never thought about that.

Having fun?

Understatement of the century.

You ready for an odd compliment?

Hit me.

You have the deckiest cum face I've ever seen.

Really?

I try not to think about it while I'm fucking.

I'm worried about looking goofy and get self -conscious.

The lack of self -consciousness is what makes it so hot.

That's why most porn does nothing for me. Most porn stars are so intent on

looking flawlessly beautiful that they won't let their faces contort in any

They're typically gorgeous.

And an orgasm face is not that.

So what, you like the gritty, scrunched facial muscles?

I love it.

Are you still in the total honesty zone? Absolutely.

I'd like to stick around a little longer if that's cool with you.

It's 100 % cool.

Don't use the W word.

I don't want reality intruding on my fantasy time.

Okay.

I'll need to calm my carpet.

Better word for us.

If I say I work overtime, it's because I'm in a full night.

I'll take you as long as I can get you.

Do it then.

I'll order us some food. I don't want to chase you away with my subpar cooking.

Sex skills are more important than cooking skills.

Oh, my sexual ego. Thank you.

What? Nothing, Squinty McSquinto.

Don't mock my handicap.

Did you have these things called glasses?

Yeah, I have them. They make me look dorky. No, this makes you look dorky.

Don't call your person.

To your ethereal beauty.

Oh, ain't you just sweeter than a honey cup of chocolate?

All right, ready, set, go!

Boom!

Beat ya. Sing, baby.

Damn it! Damn it, no!

Whoa. No!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not a good loser, in case you hadn't noticed. Yeah, I just did.

But you don't get to quit the race before the finish line.

Right. Get that bad boy up. Okay.

Come on.

Cannonball it.

Cannonball. Cannonball.

Nice.

Oh. Oh. Are you going to? Do you need it?

No. I have to try to swallow the foam and get it back up the pipe.

All right.

You good?

Better.

Do it again.

God, no.

Next challenge.

The bestest piece of strength.

Karma. No. No way in hell that's happening.

Oh, come on. Why not?

Because I got no upside. If I win, I beat a chick. Big deal. But if I lose, I

lose to a chick. And then my fragile male ego is shattered.

No upside.

Oh, do I smell chicken shit?

Oh, I definitely smell the chicken shit. You think calling me chicken shit is

going to work twice in one day?

No.

All right, let's go.

Ready?

I can't wait.

Set. Go.

Oh, it's going down.

Am I though?

Am I?

No, no, no.

It looks like a comeback.

Ooh, what's going on? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

Down she goes.

Boom.

Shit.

I mean, it's tough for a girl, though.

Yeah, you are.

But that's like saying you're smart for an amphibian, so... Ooh, two -fingered

pick one.

I can't have both? No, you're not one of these both.

Ugh, I need a manicure.

Have you won?

No. No.

Why not? And no again.

No, come on, I've given boyfriends manicures before.

One of them even let me paint his face with makeup. Yeah, wear those guys now.

And if I know. They wear their second dick in a bus stop men's room.

Oh!

That is entirely possible.

So next, we have the grand cosmic questions of the

universe.

How it works is, I ask you a question, then you ask me a question, then me,

you, me, creating a volley, not like a verbal tennis match. Okay.

Okay. The questions can be either deep and profound or light and casual.

An example of the latter, what is your favorite Beatles song?

Oh, fuck the Beatles.

I mean, fuck the Beatles. I mean, fuck the Beatles. I'm not saying they suck,

I'm just saying they're overrated.

Okay. Any band that you like was influenced by the Beatles. I'm not

about influence. I'm talking about the actual music.

You can break their career in two halves, all right? The first half, they

writing candy -ass love songs for teenage girls to scream to, which

makes them the 1950s equivalent to Justin Bieber or the Backstreet Boys.

Jesus. And then the second half, they spent stoned out of their minds doing

hippy -dippy drug music.

That is the era where they did their most profound work. Oh, bullshit. Yeah,

right.

Talking about kaleidoscopes, guys and girls with marmalade eyes.

Other way around. Whichever. Just real fucking profound, okay? Plus, then they

added all that Indian string shit and sitar in. Rock and roll is about guitar.

Plain and simple.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Right, right, right, right,

Which brings me to my question as we're talking about the guitar.

When are we going to get a Van Halen reunion with the four original members?

Right? After two decades, we finally get Roth back, and then they fire Michael

Anthony so Eddie can jam his idiot son into the lineup?

You know what I'm really holding out for? I'm really holding out for the

with their third singer. Who is that dopey guy? No, what? The extreme guy.

Hey, do not disrespect the greatness of Gary Cherone.

Oh, yeah, name one good song from the Gary Cherone era. Don't dare me. If I

wasn't afraid of boring you, I could sit here and rattle off every song titled

Van Halen 3, much to my eternal chagrin. Ooh, eternal chagrin. Good word choice.

All right, going back to the Beatles.

You know what I feel really sorry for?

John Lennon.

Way to go out on a limb there. Feeling sorry for the guy that got gunned down

the street. No, no, no, no. I mean, like, in terms of, like, historical

significance.

Because, like, when you look back at their stuff, like, his stuff was the

that, like, and, like, his stuff was the McCartney stuff. His stuff is the stuff

that really dated. You're saying one word again, over and over.

His stuff.

is the stuff that really dated the most.

Like, when you look at McCartney's stuff, it's about stuff that's always

to be there, like love and regret.

50 years from now, some trucker is going to put yesterday on his iPod 27 and

just cry like a baby.

When you listen to Lemon, you know, imagine, you kind of want to go, oh,

sweet. Well, please run along and play. The adults are talking. That is exactly

what I was trying to say five minutes ago.

No, you said they suck.

No, I didn't. I said they were overrated. Okay, well, overrated is

than dated.

Dated doesn't have the same negative connotations.

All right, who's turn is it? It's your turn.

Go. Quick.

When you were a kid, okay, when you were a kid, did you ever have the nickname

Fruit Goot Brew?

Yes. Really?

No. Ask a dumb question, get a sarcastic answer.

My turn. What about Luke Caboose? What about my turn?

All right.

Why do midgets hate being called midgets?

Huh?

They prefer a little person? That's so condescending. Oh, little person.

That's terrible. And dwarf, that makes me feel like a cartoon.

But midget is a strong word.

Isn't it? Two syllables.

Short.

Strong. It's like, it sounds like hatchet.

Midget. Hatchet.

Small. But lethal.

Right?

Tell me I'm wrong. It's a stronger sounding word.

Okay, my safe answer to that is just call them little people and don't ever

that in mixed and judgmental company.

Whatever. It's a good word.

You should enjoy it.

Own it.

Next topic.

Men in urinals.

Oh.

Two of my favorite topics.

Two -part question.

First, is it true that you have to keep a one -buffer urinal between you

and the guy next to you?

And, part two, if that's true, are you really afraid about him looking at your

junk?

No.

Okay, there's an unspoken rule.

That if there's a wall full of empty urinals, you don't go sidling up to the

other guy there. That's fucking weird.

But if you're at a concert or something, like a crowded event, like a football

game, like, all that shit goes out the window. You have guys crossing streams

the same stall, pissing in the sink, whatever.

What? It's not like... It's just another drain. It's not like your fingers touch

the drain when you're washing your hands. Yeah, but what about droplets of

glass? That's gotta get all over the faucet and the knob.

Well, urine is sterile anyway.

And they say you could drink it if you were stranded on a desert island.

Who? Who says that?

They.

Scientists and shit.

Oh, they, they.

Yes, they.

Okay.

All this talk of urine has my bladder in the red alert zone.

I shall return.

Thanks for the warning.

Always the wise ass, never the wiser.

My mother used to say that...

Is that it?

I felt like there was going to be more to that sentence.

Guess not.

Miss Shelby.

Mr. Bruce.

Did you turn the water on so I wouldn't hear you pee?

Shut up. I was trying to be demure and ladylike.

Well, I will pay you the same favor, only you can switch gentlemanly and

for demure and ladylike. I'm done. I'm done.

Can I hold your gun?

That's not a toy.

No, I know. I told you. I have one of my own. I did all the basic safety

courses. What kind of gun do you have?

38.

Evolver?

Yep.

You ever shot an automatic?

No. What's the difference?

More of a kick to it.

Plus, the cocking slide makes for a pretty badass, funky way for the cool

-liners. Yeah.

Example?

All right.

You ain't seen bad yet, son.

But it's coming.

Can I try?

Yeah. This one gets set up quick.

Off that gal girl.

Okay.

Um... Hey, scumbag, here comes a special delivery.

Um, thanks.

Um...

Hey, scumbag, here comes a lead sandwich special delivery.

There it is. Ooh.

How's that? That was a good start.

Can I do it again? Yeah, let's build on that.

No, no, no, just tell me.

Okay, so right there, that button is the clip release. Do that first, carefully.

I know.

And then fill it alive around in the chamber. If you want to slide that back

let it pop out.

And then I just slide the clip back in?

Yep. Okay.

What you doing?

Got another piece of equipment I want you to try. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

No.

You gotta sit for it.

Okay.

Yeah?

Have you worried about that?

You think you need to be worried?

Good, because you don't.

I told you how beautiful you are in the last five minutes.

You're slipping.

around you.

Just keep going.

Seriously? Yeah, seriously.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second. Why?

There's a problem, and I want to see if I can fix it easily.

If it's a fuse or something, I can fix it really quick.

You're such a guy.

Wow, what an insult.

I want to be able to look...

A little streaked out.

Oh, there's a flashlight by the microwave on the counter.

I get it myself, but I'm a little tied up at the moment.

Master jokes. Ow. Are you okay? Yeah.

Don't. Stupid chair.

It is.

Sorry. It's okay.

I needed new retinas anyway.

Uncuff me. I'll do that with some candles.

Okay.

What? Uh, nothing.

I just came to find the keys.

Tell me you're kidding.

I wish I was.

Um, I just hope... No.

You just hope what?

I just hope I didn't lose them in the woods when we were hiking.

Okay, starting to stress here.

Don't worry.

They almost have to be in this room somewhere. You know, this is where I

Dressed and undressed and all this. They're probably just fill out. Let me

Hey, uh, growing up, did you ever have the nickname, uh, Orange Juice Bruce?

No. Did you ever have the nickname Shelby?

Yeah, what?

Come on.

I got nothing. Yeah, that's one of the benefits of being named Shelby. Nothing

rhymes with it.

Oh. Of course, in high school, there was a girl named Allison Dombrowski, and

she came up with Shelby, Shelby, you can go to fucking Helby.

That's creative.

No, it's not creative, it's mean.

I mean, I got off easier than a lot of girls.

There was this one fat girl named Michelle Clark, and Allison nailed her

the nickname Moby Clark, so everywhere she went, she would yell, Hark, hark,

Moby Clark.

Crowded cafeterias, sidewalks, everywhere.

And then there was this girl named Ellen Zabriskie.

She had terrible personal hygiene. She had greasy hair and bad acne, and

nailed her with Zit Zabriskie.

So you just had to feel terrible for both of them, both her and Moby Clark.

I wonder what happened to Allison. I wonder if she, like, mellowed out as she

got older or if she just turned into a giant mega bitch. Hey, Chief?

Yeah? You're babbling.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just trying to hold off the anxiety attack that I see right there on the

horizon. Are you really going to freak out?

No. No, why would I freak out? I am just handcuffed to a chair, 90 % naked, with

a man I just met.

And the man carries a high -caliber firearm.

Why would I be freaking out?

How you doing with those keys there?

Oh, Captain, my Captain?

I actually found them a while ago.

Oh, hmm.

I want to install you, but I'm going to wait until I get loose.

Strategy.

Hold still.

Oh.

My butt in your face.

Hilarious. It's been so long since I've been able to use that one.

Think about it. How often do you get asked for a match these days?

Getting a match is just giggling doofus.

You just don't appreciate fine, sophisticated humor.

Yeah, what if I heard some?

I'm gonna hit the bathroom real quick.

When was the last time you played checkers by candlelight?

Oh, around 2013.

Good.

I'll get to kick someone else's butt for a change. It's usually my son kicking

mine.

Okay.

Okay, I'll go first.

Um, speaking of my son, you were a little boy once, right?

Long time ago.

So... Let me ask you something. That whole thing with the pounding bolts with

the hammer earlier, is that something I need to be worried about?

What is it, like school shooter and training shit?

Yeah, something like that. No.

That's just little boy shit.

When I was a kid, me and my friends put an M80 in a coffee can.

The idea being that it would shoot it straight up in the air, 50 feet, like a

rocket. No.

Instead, it blew completely apart, like a fragmentation grenade.

Sent all these flying pieces of shrapnel everywhere.

Lucky it didn't cut us in half.

Okay, I know you mean well, but you're not exactly making me feel better here.

I'm just saying that little boys are stupid.

And God tends to have pity on the stupid.

But as long as we're going back to things from earlier, you said your

set you up on a date?

Yeah. How'd that go?

Bad, I take it.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't like any big disaster or anything.

It was just 40 minutes of small talk. It ended with a loose -armed hug.

Yeah, got a couple of those.

There was this one thing, though.

He would do this thing where he would chew with his mouth closed, but he

wouldn't fully swallow every bite before he would shovel the next bite in.

So there was always this chewed piece of food.

in his mouth like there's only following part of it it was a petty thing to

focus on but it drove me nuts no no it's the little things they can really suck

sometimes i once dated this girl and before we went out she just painted her

nails but she left all this excess polish like all over her cuticles and

fingers it looked like when my four -year -old does it and for the whole

i'm just glancing at her fingers thinking does she even know how bad that

or does she know and just not care like What is that?

Where'd you meet that winner?

Internet dating.

How else do people meet each other nowadays?

What?

I just have a hard time picturing you computer dating.

Why?

I'm a modern 21st century man.

I'll tell you what, though. It totally destroyed that whole men are more

than women cliche.

Oh, bullshit.

Bull true.

Men are shallow about looks and weight. Women are shallow about looks, weight,

height, and income.

So you date a woman taller than you? Yeah, for sure. If she was hot enough,

sure.

Have you ever seen those Amazon chicks that play for the Olympic volleyball

team? Any one of them would fuck you in half. Yeah, I know. But what a proud and

noble way to go.

You said you have a four -year -old?

Is that your only kid?

No. I have a three -year -old, too.

Hence the depectomy.

Both girls?

One of each.

What are their names?

Come on.

A couple of hours ago, I had your balls in my mouth. You don't get to play the

too personal card.

It's not that it's too personal.

I just don't like talking about it with anyone.

For some reason, I always feel like I have to say how

great everything is going when I usually don't feel that way. I

usually feel like a fraud who has no

idea what he's doing.

We all feel that way sometimes.

Yeah, but with me it's not sometimes.

I don't know.

It's hard to admit it.

She never worries.

And I worry so much to the point that I never get to enjoy the process.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt happy about it all.

It's like the way I'm supposed to feel and the way I actually

feel are two very separate things.

She'll show me a cute picture or video of the kids.

And I know the reaction that she wants.

And I give it to her.

But I'm totally faking it.

And then I feel like shit because I'm faking it.

I guess I always feel like shit about some aspect of it.

Makes me sound like an asshole, doesn't it?

No No, it makes you sound like someone who had a hole in their life who filled

it with what they thought they should Or with what someone expected them to

Yeah, that is kind of it I guess

I still think it makes me less of a man in

some way

We all like to think that we're these perfect angels of virtue, but really

we're just flawed train wrecks barely keeping it together.

I know when my husband was dying, at the end when things

were at their worst, I wasn't there for him as much as I should have been.

There were some days that I just couldn't handle it.

I wonder what he must have thought on those days when I just didn't show up.

How much that must have hurt even though he never showed it.

Well, it's family.

We fuck up.

We forget each other.

We fuck up again.

Yeah.

It's not an easy trip to live with.

Well, of course, I never met the guy, but with him getting to marry you,

start a family with you,

And wake up every morning to you.

I bet he probably died a pretty happy and satisfied man.

I know.

What?

Kiss break.

But then... Then you remember we only have a few hours until daylight and

reality hits us in the face?

Yeah.

Back to perspective.

A few hours can be a lifetime if we use it right.

For example...

No, no, no.

Just the feeling.

Thank you.

Are we done?

Mm -hmm How

soon do you have to leave?

So?

Yeah.

What do you see happening after you go down that driveway?

Total honesty.

I see you picking up your son.

And I see me going back to my family. And I see the both of us going back to

normal, boring routines and our normal, boring problems. And if at some point I

should run into you in town, then smile at you.

If I'm by myself and if I'm with my wife, then I'll avoid eye contact.

And both of us will hold on to our time together as this treasured secret that

we used to get us through the sad times.

So you want to happen?

I don't know. What I wanted to go on feeling the way I felt for the last 24

hours.

I'm not going to be able to talk you into this, am I?

No.

Not right now, anyway.

All right, then.

Stay with me.

And that means exactly what you think it does.

That's a tempting offer, but there's no way I can do that.

Sure you can.

I'm not drunk and I'm not crazy.

Yeah, that's exactly what someone drunk or crazy might say.

Let's take a leap of faith that we're both good people.

I don't wanna take advantage.

The only thing you'd be taking advantage of is my moment of clarity.

Hey, Judith, it's me.

Uh, yeah, um, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be over to pick

Josh in about an hour.

Yeah, um, we can get everyone together tonight. Sure.

Yeah, pizza and a movie sound good?

Okay, um, yeah, I'll give Donna a call, too.

Okay, um, hmm?

Uh, yeah.

Thanks. It was really good.

The best night I've had in a while.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.