Original subtitles

Okay, Marianne gave me strict instructions on what to do while she's

Before the show, coffee, black, two sugars, and a warm, supportive smile.

You know, it kind of went downhill after the coffee.

How do I look? And don't say great unless you mean great.

Oh, go ahead, just say great.

Sybil, don't be nervous.

You've been a guest in the show for two weeks.

They love you or they never would have made you co -host.

I guess.

Darling, you will shine like a stab.

Shine like a stab?

That's either stab or stain.

Ira, it's star.

How can a person shine like a stain?

Well, when does Marianne get back from Paris? Because I dread having to say

you're as radiant as a freshly oiled cabana boy.

Oh, that's sweet.

There she is.

There's my cute as a button co -host.

Now listen, if anything should go wrong out there, like you forget what you want

to say and you start to babble and inside you're just wondering if there's

a little something hanging from your nose, don't you worry.

We'll just stop and do another take.

Oh, wait.

We can't. We're live.

See you out there.

That's your co -host? Whoa.

She's got a real Tanya Harding thing going on there.

Well, she's been doing this show alone for three years, and then they suddenly

bring me on as co -host. You know, she's got to be a little shaken up. I need to

be really sensitive.

Glad I'm not her, huh?

Loving one who loves you, and then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it.

is a very special day for us.

After three years of hosting this show all by myself, it is a pleasure to give

an opportunity to someone who, though new to the talk show game, has been

knocking around this business for many, many, many years.

This could get ugly. Hope you're wearing a cup.

Oh, Ira, I can handle her. I mean, what's she gonna do to me?

Except the old super glue my butt to the chair trick.

Help me get this off.

So let's bring her on out here.

Supermodel, actress, and yes, my new older sister.

Help me welcome my new co -host, Sybil Sheridan.

Hi, Sybil, how are you? Well, hi, Sybil. I was going to say have a seat, but I

see you've already got one.

This is my new invention.

I want to share with the folks at home.

Are you tired of forever standing in a bank line, a ticket line, or a

supermarket checkout line?

Well, take a load off with my new butt buddy.

Well, we've got to take a break, but don't go away.

Yeah, when we come back, we'll play Let's Guess Julie's Real Hair Color.

You cut a hole in the middle, and your old shower curtain is now a beautiful

-weather poncho.

And you can use the leftover material as a rain hat.

No way you're going to wear that in public.

Yes, I would.

Fifty bucks says you won't walk out of here right now with that thing on.

It's not raining. Okay.

What do we do with the old shower curtain rings?

Well, we can spray paint them, glue on a spray -painted walnut, and we have

festive napkin ring holders.

These are great at a party, Sybil. They're wonderful conversation starters.

What kind of conversation?

Does your napkin smell as bad as mine?

Okay, well, looks like we're all out of time today. But join us tomorrow, won't

you? Yes, when Julie's going to show us all how to make an entire summer

wardrobe out of old baloney.

You use these napkin ring holders, and I've never, ever had a guest leave my

table. Well, maybe that's because they were glued to their chairs.

Where's my Bloody Mary?

God knows I don't ask for much.

You were fabulous, darling. You were as brilliant as a thousand subs.

Thuns. A thousand thuns.

So, I caught the last segment. You were great. The audience really likes how you

two go at each other.

Oh, yeah.

That Julie's going to make my life a living hell.

Every day I walk into this job, it's going to be like walking into a lion's

with a wounded antelope as a hat.

Charlie Addison.

Sybil Sheridan.

Amazing, you actually got a job using your real name.

Zoe, this is Charlie Addison.

Remember when I told you women are from Venus and men are from hell?

He's wise.

Always nice to meet another sordid episode in my mother's past.

Charlie's a producer. He's considered the king of film garbage.

Look, the script said you run out of the house naked. If you had a problem with

the script, you shouldn't have taken the job.

Well, when I read the script, I was a heroic woman who saved her family from a

tornado. I didn't know I was supposed to have my clothes blown off.

I talked to the director, didn't I? You were never totally nude.

You're right.

Somehow my bra blew off, but my hat stayed on.

I am so sorry. I had no idea there was bad blood between you two. Otherwise, I

never would have recommended Charlie as our new producer.

Anyway, you two talk.

Producer?

What's past is past, Thibault. What do you say we start all over, clean slate

and all that?

Come on.

It'll be fun.

So? He wants to bury the hatchet. So do I. In his head.

But he said it would be fun. That's good, right?

Zoe, this is Hollywood.

And you'll notice that the first two letters of fun are F and U.

Marianne, I have a jealous co -host and a hateful producer.

I can't believe you ran off to Paris without leaving me the keys to your

drawer.

Well, if it's any consolation, I miss you terribly.

Okay, let's try it again.

It's just not the same without you.

Can I say hi?

Sure. Here's Zoe.

Come back, Marianne.

Mom's doing that thing she does whenever you're not around. You know, where she

squints and pretends I'm you.

I have to listen and be supportive, and I don't have a house to go home to like

you do.

Zoe, how many times do I have to tell you?

Just order her a slice of mud pie and she won't speak for 30 minutes.

Give me that.

Okay, honey, well, have fun. And bring me back something from France.

Bring me that ice skater that won the bronze medal.

Bye.

So, sweetheart, what you doing after lunch?

Because, I mean, you're almost 21. It's high time you learned how to snip those

brake lines on Julie's car.

I'd love to, but I'm working. I have another job dressing up as a giant

to play piano for a six -year -old birthday party.

Tell me something. When was the first time in your career when you actually

a job you weren't embarrassed by?

Listen, any job can lead to another job. You just have to hang in there.

Something will come along that you can feel proud of.

She's right. I was a busboy before I achieved all of this.

I caught you on television this morning. I see it's the Julie Ann Sybil show

now. Why, yes, it is.

Maybe now, when I give you an 8x10 photo of myself, you won't write on it. Love

and kisses, Shelley Hack.

I do not like that. I drew the continuous eyebrow. That is all.

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Our statement.

toward him like he's a giant orange?

No, not yet.

Damn, that class was a complete rip -off.

Sybil. Charlie.

This is my daughter, Leah. Hi, Leah. I'm Sybil. This is my daughter, Zoe. Hi.

Hi.

Well, okay.

That was a good conversation. Nobody lost a limb.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we did good.

So we should stop now.

Right. Right. Mm -hmm. Right now. Right now.

Dad, who is that woman?

Oh, honey, she's the co -host of the new show I started working on. And you hate

her already?

No, no, no, no. You can't hate somebody after one day.

I've hated her for years.

And he is a self -important gas bag with the personality of a paint chip.

What happened anyway?

Ah, I produced a movie that she starred in and it involved a nude theme.

Which kept getting neuter and neuter after a cast.

Which she could have backed out of any time.

And lost my paycheck, which was important to me.

Of course, we had to reshoot the entire scene because when the tornado blew her

skirt off, she had written, how am I driving, across her butt.

I have to admit, that was pretty damn funny. Yes.

Yes, it was. But you wound up losing your job after all. Well, that's because

you fired me. I had no choice. The director insisted.

Oh, poor little baby.

Big bad director made him do what he didn't want to do. I can't talk to you.

Lucky me.

Did you sleep with her?

No. Really? You didn't?

I have a rule.

I never sleep with someone I'm working with and hate.

Why are you asking?

Because you're obviously attracted to him.

Go to your room.

So you see, with Dr. Stephen Drew, door -to -door dentist, you no longer have an

excuse to put off that teeth cleaning.

So, Dr. Drew, you say you come equipped with everything you need. You've got the

drill, you've got the little drool bib, ooh, and a lot of little sharp, scary

pointy things.

What's that, Sybil? You want Dr.

Drew to yank that molar right here?

No!

What should we do, tie her down or something?

No, no, no, we don't have to do that.

We have some gas right here to take care of her pain.

You know, some patients get so happy, they drill their own teeth.

But today we'll just do a cleaning.

So, Dr. Drew, when did you first know you wanted to be a dentist?

Actually, I didn't want to be a dentist. I wanted to be an actor.

But my mother wanted me to have something to fall back on.

So, now I'm a dentist.

But I could have been a star.

But no, no, that wasn't good enough for my mother.

God, I hate that woman.

Open up, mummy.

Security! It's time to say goodbye to Dr. Drew.

To be or not to be.

Is this a dagger I see before me? A handle torn by... Okay,

on our next segment, we'll be demonstrating scuba gear, and with any

will demonstrate drowning.

Okay, so don't go away.

We're clear.

I'm sorry, Sybil. He was a last -minute replacement.

For who?

A drunk guy with a machete?

It was Julie's idea. We checked him out as best we could. Checked him out at

where, Bellevue?

You know, you've always had such an attitude.

Attitude schmatitude.

No, right there. That's it. Right there. That. Oh, yeah? You want to keep this

finger? You better get it out of my face. This finger was here first.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, at least we understand each other. Yeah.

Welcome back.

We're here with Troy Lang, who designed his own line of fashion scuba diving

equipment. That's right, Julie, because you want to look your best when a great

white shark starts chowing down on your caboose.

What gave you the idea for fashion dive wear?

Well, I was snorkeling, and the fish looked cool.

So, like, I thought the fish should be able to look at cool stuff, too.

Okay, Sybil, why don't you demonstrate how to breathe through the mouthpiece?

Because, as we all know here on the show, you are good at talking with your

mouth full.

Oh, yeah?

Now try.

Shouldn't we mention that if divers rise to the surface too fast, they could get

nitrogen bubbles in their blood, causing brain damage or even death?

Sybil, do you find something funny about people dying?

Oh, no. No, I'm so sorry. I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me.

can't stop laughing.

see the humor and the possibility of tragic death.

Is it me or is she being insensitive?

So before laughing, think about world hunger.

What is wrong with you people? This isn't funny.

I'm fine. I'll play too. Give me a hit of that.

You didn't have to bring me home.

The gas is totally worn off.

Are you sure? Because I got a little concerned when you started braiding

hair and singing We Are the World.

Listen, I hope you don't think I had anything to do with Julie switching

tanks. Are you bleeding from anywhere?

No. Well, then obviously I didn't think that.

And we probably should talk about that little incident that took place between

us this afternoon.

Uh -huh.

There's no uh.

And if you want to avoid any other little incidents, then just don't kiss

Oh, I kissed you.

Right. Well, let's recap. We were arguing. I was winning. So to shut me

put your mouth where the words come out. I'm sorry. I'm a professional, Sybil.

You could be standing in front of me naked. I would not have noticed.

Oh, yeah, like you weren't taking a good long look when that tornado was peeling

me.

Somebody had to catch your clothes.

Ugh, you're so full of lip.

You said lip.

I did not. Did two.

Did not. Did two.

Did tongue. Two.

Not.

Mother! The most amazing thing just happened to me.

What is it, Barbie?

Did you suddenly realize that you are an impossible ideal for girls to aspire to

and finally take yourself off the market?

She's just a doll, Mother. Besides, how could she possibly be an ideal when she

doesn't even have nipples?

Well, I wish I had a dime for every time I had that exact same conversation with

my own daughter.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What was your news?

Well, remember when you told me to hang in there, that eventually a good job

would come along?

Well, I was sitting there playing piano at this birthday party, praying that the

hamster everyone was looking for was not the movement I was feeling in my shoe.

Well, guess who walked up to me?

Mel Gibson in a kilt.

No, Mother, this is my story.

Anyway, it was the director of the L .A. Conservatory of Music, and he said he

loved the way I played!

It's wonderful!

Can you believe it? You're going to the conservatory! No! No!

No! Oh.

But, but, the director said he wants me to play piano at his daughter's birthday

party, which means between the food fight and the time when the first kid

up, I can work in a little Brahms for his listening and possibly admitting me

the conservatory pleasure.

Oh, honey, that is shameless self -promotion.

I'm so proud of you.

Well, I just remembered that time that you rear -ended Mike Nichols on the

freeway. You performed the entire script as a graduate while the paramedics were

setting his leg.

That was brilliant.

Who does he cast in Silkwood?

Share. Okay, well, I guess I'll be going now. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm the

one that barged in just as you were about to kiss my mother.

Ah, see?

No, that doesn't count. I mean, she's your daughter. Of course she'd take your

side. Oh, please. This is a fluke. We hardly ever get along.

It's so important for you to be right.

You win.

Excuse me?

You kiss me and I win? I don't think so.

You win and I lose.

See you at work.

Winner.

Now let's just get this straight. I am a loser. Big loser!

You hate me, don't you?

Why? Because you stuck my butt to a chair?

Or because you humiliated me with laughing gas?

Or because you snuck into my dressing room and put X -flax in my M &M?

I did not do that. Oh, come on, Julie. They were hand -carved and spray

-painted.

I'm so sorry, but it's my sister's fault.

When I was young, she used to torment me, and she was more popular, and her

was Sybil.

Get out of here.

Okay, I don't have a sister, but... We have to make this show work and our

relationship work, and there are only three ways to do that. I'm not quitting.

Okay, two ways.

I'm not dropping dead.

One way. We have to be friends, which means I really have to try.

So will you be patient with me?

Sure. And forgive me?

Yeah.

And not make fun of my arts and crafts anymore?

No can do, Jules.

Okay, it's fun. The audience seems to like it. She doesn't really mean it.

Sybil, I am so lucky to have you as my partner because you

are truly a good person.

I'm sorry.

Marianne, cancel the attack. Repeat.

Cancel the attack.

Darling, don't be ridiculous.

The woman is bitter and obsessed, driven by resentment to commit violence and

mayhem against anyone she perceives to have crossed her.

I can't wait to meet her.

But Julie is really vulnerable now, and if she drinks that stuff you ordered and

loses control of her neck on the air, I'll just be the one to be blamed.

So call off your goon.

I'm sorry, revenge technicians.

Just do not have them put that stuff in her tea.

No, she doesn't drink coffee. I drink coffee.

And

so, Mrs.

Mary Scott of Anaheim saw our segment yesterday where Sybil baked her famous

banana cream pie and was so inspired, she baked one and brought it along to

Doesn't it look delicious?

Aren't you going to have some, Sybil?

I have no idea.

Maybe during the break I'll have Julie make her a neck brace out of Dixie cups.

Oh, come on, Sybil, just one bite.