Original subtitles

Okay, and now we put the pan -fried quail on the plate with the okra and the

grits and the biscuits and gravy.

Some people think this food is a little heavy, but it won't hurt you if you lift

from the knee.

Reminds me of Christmas back home in Memphis.

Great rehearsal, Sybil. But listen, when you're doing the on -air audition, you

should tell people where they can get the ingredients. Like the quail, for

example. Where'd you get this?

At the zoo.

Just kidding.

Funny.

You're funny.

But I won't do that on the show.

Smart. You're smart, too.

Now listen, it's just between you and one other person.

He's a book reviewer. We're going to put you both on the same show to see which

one of you the audience takes to. Oh, we're going to duke it out in the air,

huh? I love competition.

I'll slice him. I'll dice him. I'll puree a sorry bookworm ass.

Sybil?

Ira? You're the down -home cooking lady?

You're the sorry bookworm ass?

And if you get it, won't you tell me how?

So, someone from the show saw me at a seminar at UCLA and thought I was

for TV.

She said I was charming and funny and intelligent, but not enough for it to be

problem.

I bet your book reviews are terrific.

Hell, I'd tune in for you.

Thanks. Water?

Thank you.

Come on, a beautiful woman sharing terrific recipes?

You got the job already.

May I?

Please.

Okay, that was fun.

Now let's say what we really think.

You're going down, Woodbine.

In your dreams, Sheridan. Like anyone needs another TV cook.

Oh, but they need a book reviewer? They wouldn't be watching TV if they could

read.

Good luck.

You too.

I need to talk to Sybil and Ira must leave.

Now, how could I have said that politely?

See you, loser. Don't forget to watch me on TV.

The only way you'll get on TV is to shoot some people.

See, what that is about is that Ira and I... Now, back to me.

That's why I kicked Ira out.

I wanted you to be the first to know.

Richard must be so happy.

Pay attention, Sybil. I said you were the first to know.

Okay, I was just testing.

Well, you've been acting weird all week.

No, I haven't. Look, if you didn't want me to move in over the garage, you

should have said something when your mother asked you.

It's honestly not a problem.

Okay, then you won't mind me seeing this picture of you when you were 12, and

you want it to be Debbie Gibson?

Give me that! You are not allowed to see that! You are never talking anything in

this house again!

See? You freaked.

I honestly don't know what you're talking about, Justin.

You know, when Justin was living at home, all we did was fight. Now he

completely ignores me. Thank you for that, Sybil.

Justin's great. He cleaned up the garage, he takes out the trash, he

crazy, and I don't have to lift a finger.

I just realized, Sybil, it's the end of an era.

After I'm married, I'll be hanging up my stocking shoes for good. Do you know

what that means?

You'll have Wednesday and Friday nights free.

No.

Well, yes, but...

This is my last chance to commit a senseless act of revenge against Dr.

Dick.

Let's do it tonight.

It'll be your bachelorette party.

The final stalking of Dr.

Dick.

And, of course, his wife, Andrea.

The greatest depository of collagen in North America.

What shall we do?

Well, I don't care as long as it violates my probation.

Hey, Zoe!

You want to go to Marianne's bachelorette party tonight?

We're going stalking!

Okay. As long as you promise not to throw me to the cops when you need to

getaway.

Like last time.

guacamole on my homemade red velvet cake.

I'm pregnant, I get cravings, and it's delicious.

You might want to try serving it on that morning show.

Yeah, right after I dish up a big old bowl of my cow patty souffle.

Toast!

You know, I think I'll sit for this.

To Mary Ann Thorpe.

Friend for life, bride to be, and future sweetheart.

Thank you, Stivel.

I just want you all to know, before we take this barrel full of liposuctioned

fat, stolen from Dr.

Dick's office, and pump it into the water main of his house...

Sam, I promised myself I wasn't going to cry.

This is the last act of revenge.

There's bound to be some feelings.

Forgive me, I'm fine.

Anyway...

a bridal shower or not?

Rachel, fat is a vat of fat.

We are doing things a little differently here.

It's the motion detector that someone else does.

Oh, that's just Kevin with my pineapple pepperoni pizza.

Sorry, Rachel, but I'm going to have to take him out.

Let me get the pizza first.

Connie, come in.

Oh, for the love of God.

Quick, take this. The microfilm has been the crust.

Remember me.

Look on the bright side. Now your dates don't have to drop you off at the corner

anymore.

Well, I gotta go.

Justin and I are watching videos of some 13 -year -old lip -syncing to Gypsy's

Tramps and Thieves with a black slit on her head.

By the way.

Mother! Kevin!

I can't believe you're watching that without me.

Honey, before you leave, will you take our picture? Oh.

Okay.

Everybody get together, smile, and say, plea bargain.

you've seen nothing.

Absolutely.

Okay, thank you for the diapers, people who aren't stalking.

All right, all systems are gone. Let's get this show on the road.

That must be Kevin trying to get back in.

Quick, Marianne, new count.

No, it's a construction worker with a boom box.

Rachel, did you order a stripper?

Well, forgive me for being old -fashioned.

It's a lovely thought, and I'm touched, but the fat is clumping.

And in ten minutes, we're going to have to reheat it, or it won't get through

the holes.

Come on, I want to see it.

Yo, yo, what's up, sexy ladies?

Wait a minute, I know that smirk.

So, I'm in life.

Tell Rachel and Zoe to open the pressure valves.

Roger.

Aphrodite to home base.

Are you in position?

I think we should commemorate this final act of vengeance with a moment of

silence.

I don't care if you don't love me anymore, you idiot.

This marriage was never about love.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you.

Hurt?

You're the one who's going to be hurting because I am going to take you for

every nickel you've got, you bastard.

And another thing. You have only finished half my butt lift.

You're not getting out of this marriage. until my cheeks are even.

Their lives are shattered.

This is the best wedding gift I could ever have imagined.

Now opening that valve seems like kicking them when they're down.

Ready?

There's a diaper van parked in your driveway.

I'm pretty sure I saw it on the news last night.

Uh -huh.

Is this another one of those mysterious things about you that I lovingly accept

without question?

Uh -huh.

All right, one more question. Don't worry, darling.

I will always let you know when your life is in danger.

I meant, will you marry me today?

Oh, but Richard, we've talked about this.

But I'm tired of waiting.

Darling, don't you think that I would marry you today if I could?

But Sibyl has to find a dress, shoes, a purse.

It's not just about us anymore.

And I guess I did the right thing because I didn't.

For this I know, you are the most wonderful woman on earth.

What a rotten thing to say.

Dick's just messing with you, Marianne. He doesn't want you back. He's trying to

spoil your wedding.

You're right.

Of course.

It's the ultimate retaliation.

Well, I have the element of surprise.

I'll get married tomorrow.

We'll rendezvous at 0900 hours and execute the mission by 1100 hours.

Wait, I have to do my cooking audition somewhere between 800 hours and 1000

hours. Fine, we'll move it to 1300. That gives you 300 hours to get ready.

Marianne, I'm lost.

Just tell me where the big hand and the little hand are and I'll be there.

Ten -four.

Cut that out!

So, The Journey of Isabel Rose is the sensitive portrayal of a young woman's

search for herself that takes her from prostitute to Olympic gymnast to Vice

President of the United States.

So, you women, read it and enjoy.

You guys, take it to Starbucks, leave it on the table, And just sit there.

Trust me, you won't be sorry.

Hey, Ira, what if a woman asks me what's in it?

Take my copy.

It's highlighted.

Ira Woodbine in the book corner, ladies and gentlemen.

When we come back, down home cooking with Sybil Sheridan. Don't you go away.

brewed a fresh pot of coffee, and we want to have it with you.

And we're out.

Hey, nice work, my friend. Oh, gee, thanks. You really make it easy. You

seem to know the right thing to say.

That fresh pot of coffee thing, brilliant.

Hey, I appreciate you sucking up to me, but I knew that was crap as it was

coming out of my mouth.

Absolutely, total crap.

So you add in your okra and fry it up real good, right?

Right.

Then we toss in the sausage.

Whoops.

Mmm, that's good.

My mommy used to slap...

because I'd try to eat it up before it could hit the pan.

That's from my mama.

Just one little bite, please.

All right, but you better be a good boy, and I'll serve you up some gumbo.

The three most important ingredients of gumbo are pepper, pepper, and pepper.

Red, white, and black.

And they all work on different parts.

You just take a moment to savor the aroma.

I'm

sorry.

Maybe you wanted that on the side.

like 20 years ago.

But the fact remains, Ira, that I only went out with you because you were

carrying a copy of Anna Karenina, which I now know you never even read.

I didn't have to. You liked my car.

Our whole marriage was a sham. I want another divorce.

You're just mad because you sprayed all over the guy and didn't get the job.

Well, what about me? Neither did I.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the difference was I actually had a shot.

Okay, fine. Do I get to say how I really feel now?

Hell no.

We're already late. I don't want to disturb the ceremony.

Uh -oh.

Looks like something's wrong.

How can I put this politely?

Ira must leave.

Thanks.

Marianne, where's the wedding?

Oh, no.

I wasn't in charge of inviting the guests, was I?

There wasn't a wedding.

Dr. Dick paid off the priest to release nerve gas.

No, wait.

Richard got cold feet and left you stranded at the altar?

Tell me who to blame. It's got to be one dick or the other.

It's the old dick.

Look what he sent me.

Ew.

Nasty.

What is this?

It's a half a milk dud.

Oh, I was afraid it was something scraped off the bottom of a rabbit cage.

Dr. Dick and I had been dating for almost a year.

One night he took me to see Summer of 42.

He was a struggling medical student and could barely pay for a box of Milk Duds.

When we got to the last one, he split it in half and said, I want to share my

life with you.

We got married the next day.

Oh, this is way worth the nerve gas.

I know him, Sybil.

This means he's serious.

What if it's not a real milk dud?

What if it's laced with some hideous fungus?

That if you eat it, your tongue will swell up and your head will explode.

That would be great, wouldn't it, huh? Wouldn't it?

Oh, no, Marianne, don't do this.

We despise him. He cheated on us.

I thought we were over him.

I thought we were, too.

But I've been dreaming about him, Sybil.

That's not good.

But you dream about Richard, too.

Yeah. But when I dream about Richard, we're sitting in my living room watching

the fire.

When I dream about Dick, we're swimming naked through donuts around the

Washington Monument.

What kind of donuts?

Sorry.

So I called off the wedding.

How could I possibly marry that dear, sweet man when I don't know how I feel

anymore?

Richard deserves my complete devotion, and now I don't know if I can give him

that.

I hate this milk, Tut.

Then throw it away.

Oh, Sibyl, am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Richard, it's 3 o 'clock in the morning. Is everything okay?

I'm sorry it's so late, Sybil, but I just had to talk to you.

I know how hurt you must be.

But don't give up.

Marianne just needs some time.

You know, I've been walking around all day, and the only thing I can think is,

why aren't I more upset about this?

You're probably in shock.

No, it's not that.

I'm sort of relieved.

Sybil, I know that you and Marianne are very close, and this will probably seem

a bit awkward, but after everything that happened today, all I can think of is

you.

I should leave.

No!

That's not good.