Original subtitles

And for outstanding performance by an actress in a leading role, the award

to Sybil Sheridan for Scent of a Man.

I won!

Oh, right!

Oh no, darn it! I'm dreaming.

Are you sure?

Well, I'm naked, aren't I?

It's that stupid dream from high school, where I'm naked in homeroom or algebra

class, or in front of the entire student body at the homecoming game.

No, wait.

That actually happened.

So this is a dream.

Well, that explains how all these dead celebrities happen to make it.

Listen, there's just a few seconds before I wake up.

This may be as close as I ever get to that award.

I'm going for it.

No problem. Just dreaming.

Oh, no. I'm waking up. Quick.

Toss it. Toss it. Toss it.

Damn. so close.

Well, I'm still sleepy.

Maybe I can get the dream back.

The award goes to... goes to... goes to...

Anna Thompson!

Whoa! Nice butt, Emma.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me

how?

So Emma Thompson got best actress and you got nothing?

Nothing. And I was really mad.

So Streep and I egged her Porsche.

And where was I when this happened? In the bathroom with Tony Curtis.

Again?

in your dreams.

I didn't have a dorsal fin this time, did I?

I've been having these dreams every night since I got fired from Lifeform.

I'm obviously having some anxiety about my career.

Oh, Sybil, something will come up. Remember when you lost your recurring

Richie Brockleman Private Eye? You thought you'd never work again and then

Joanie loves Chachi.

You're right.

Darling, you need to pamper yourself.

A nice steam bath of facial, and then a rub down from some glistening swede with

no body hair.

Hey, we'll do it today.

What about your appointment?

What appointment? Oh, no, you are not putting off your mammography again. You

already missed your late 30s baseline mammogram.

I'm dating a doctor, and he doesn't suggest mammograms for any of his

He's a vet. His patients are poodles.

That's right.

And they have way more breasts than we do.

Besides, I have a date with the new Dr. Richard tonight. And if he's a good boy,

I'm going to let him jump up on my bed.

Wait a minute.

Last week you were going to dump him because he had the same name as Dr.

And now you're ready to do the monkey dance with him?

How did it get this far without me knowing?

It's just that things haven't been going that well for you lately, and I didn't

want my good news to depress you.

Why would I be depressed?

Because you have a boyfriend and I don't? Because you're happy with your

whereas I was becoming a star and now they make me audition to answer phones

telephone?

Marianne, hold me!

Uh, excuse me, man in the room.

Please refrain from using expressions like bloating and plastic applicator.

I have to go anyway. Cheer up!

Maybe Richard won't be what I'm expecting.

You know, I could be very disappointed.

Aw, you'd do that for me.

So, Kevin, it's just you and me.

Jobless and free.

Let's knock off the liquor store and escape to Arizona.

You drive, so I can moon the truckers.

Gee, can it wait until the weekend? I'm running a little late.

Where are you going?

Well, actually, I got a job yesterday. I'm teaching third grade at a small

private school. It's not at all what I was looking for. It's probably a bad

career move, but, you know.

No, it sounds great.

It is. I'm really sorry.

Stop it!

Why is everyone trying so hard to spare my feelings?

You never do that when I want you to.

Hey, Sid. Hey, Kev. Hey. Ira, what's up?

Well, I have some news.

Oh, not now.

Please. I am not a wounded bird.

Ira, just tell me straight out. Show Kevin how it's done.

Okay. I'm being audited by the IRS. And since we're married at the time, so are

you.

See?

Hey. Hey.

Where's Mom? I thought you guys were working on your audit. We broke for

See, I explained some of my deductions.

She explained that I should have a little snack and die.

I'm paraphrasing.

Are they going to repossess your house?

Because I thought I could maybe live in it while you're in prison.

Be strong, Zoe, for me.

What's in the box?

Some of Mom's stuff. She was throwing it upstairs, and I took it by mistake when

I moved. I thought it might have some of her records in it. Did you look?

And become part of your nefarious tax evasion ring?

I've never seen that box before in my life.

By the way, this conversation never happened, Mr. Woodbine, if that is your

name.

No, no records, just some old pictures and stuff.

Whoa, here we are, my cousin Artie's wedding in 1977.

Oh, man, look at your suit.

And your hair, who are you trying to be, Ira X?

Yeah, I wore it big in those days.

And did anyone tell Mom the 60s were over? That granny dress makes her look

huge. That isn't the dress, honey.

It's you.

Oh.

Well, it's the only way I ever would have been seen with you people.

Mr. Woodbine, Brad Mark, CPA from Farmer and Frank. I'm here to work with you on

an audit. Am I glad to see you. Come in.

Zip, pad, work your magic.

Hey, Pete. Don't worry, Mr. Woodbine. I haven't lost an audit yet.

Well, I asked around.

They say you're the best. Because I focus on each case completely. No

distractions. I don't chat. I don't schmooze. I don't laugh. Which means

have to put these pictures away.

Hey, Dad. Oh, I'm sorry. Zoe, this is Brad Marks, my CPA.

Brad, this is Zoe, my deduction.

Hi. Oh, my God.

Is... Is he okay?

Honey, you need to leave now.

Brad, come on, boy. No distractions.

But she's an angel.

Don't do this to me. I'll never make it in the big house. I'm too pretty.

And for outstanding performance by an actress in a leading role, the award

to Sybil Sheridan for Her Left Foot.

Okay, even I can tell it's a dream.

All right, here I go.

I made it. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Oh, wait.

This isn't right.

Fine, I'll take it back.

No, no, no, I was daydreaming.

And you were just about to give me the award for best actress.

Really? Did they like me? Did they really, really like me?

I don't remember much, except that you did a singing tribute to the Baldwin

brothers.

That is so weird.

I have the same dream all the time.

Richard, I can't hear you. What did you say?

Oh, well, if you can hear this, I'll see you tonight.

or a chin like Patton?

I've been told both, you know.

Did you and the distinguished doctor play hide the weenie last night?

It didn't happen.

He had to assist in the delivery of a baby elephant at the zoo.

Oh, charming.

In a doctor -y sort of way.

I'm ashamed to say that due to the fact that the former doctor dick.

to break his promise to me and God.

I followed him.

Marianne, you stalked the good dick?

I'm not proud of it.

But when I saw his arms and shoulders disappear into the back of that

I wanted him right there.

For future reference, next time you tell that story, just say we had a date, he

had to go to the zoo.

So how is your mammogram?

How is the audit?

You didn't do it, did you?

Well, last night was supposed to be special, and I didn't want it on my

Marianne, I know you're nervous, and with your family history, that's

understandable, but it's all the more reason to do it. Okay, okay, you're

I'll go tomorrow.

Good.

Make the appointment right now. I said I'd go.

That should satisfy you.

I need something a little more binding.

Pinky swear.

Oh, that was ridiculous. And I'll thank you very much to treat me like an adult.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to tinkle.

Aha! I knew it.

This is avoiding, not tinkling.

Sybil, please.

It's my life. Stop controlling it. That's not what I'm doing. I'm your

care about you. I know what you're doing. Now that you're out of work, I've

become your little project.

Sybil, if you need to take care of somebody so much, start with yourself.

job.

Ouch.

Where'd that come from?

You need to back off, Sybil. Stop nagging me and find something else to

because right now, you're a big pain in the ass.

Yeah, well, I...

Stuff I could use against you and left the rest.

More in the cart.

Do you need help? I could help. Please, let me help.

Okay.

Um, Bill, right?

That's fine.

So, we lose everything to the IRS.

You can't take it with you, right?

Ira, I'm in no mood.

I had a huge fight with Marianne. And she went out of her way to really hurt

And all I was doing was trying to get her to take care of herself. And I was

totally right and she was totally wrong.

Yeah. Sort of makes the daughter thing seem like nothing.

No, I've got enough mad to handle both.

Okay, listen. I promise I won't make you pay for any of my stupid mistakes.

Deal?

Deal.

Look at all this stuff.

Candles, incense.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

I love this book.

It was a deep, lasting spiritual awakening.

And it was really short.

My God, Sybil. Is that hash?

Let me see.

Not the tootsie roll.

These things last forever.

Look at all this stuff.

Tickets up to Rocky. Why'd you keep these?

I don't know.

Oh, probably because I tried out for it, remember?

Excuse me?

But I got you the audition.

And you drove me to the casting office.

It was so sweet.

And I was such a wreck.

Oh, Ira, I'm not dressed right.

Why?

Adrian's supposed to work in a pet store. This is earthy.

You're shaking.

I'm a little nervous.

It's my first big movie audition.

Oh, Sybil, it's no big deal. Besides, you're exactly what Stallone's looking

for. At least I think you are. I mean, I'm a tax attorney. I love the guy. But

you can't understand a word he says.

I have to get back to the office.

Maybe later we can grab a quick dinner and get married.

Ira, I've told you already. I'm never getting married again.

It's not my thing.

But I love you, baby.

I want to be next to you. Always.

Don't go all Barry White on me, okay?

All right.

Dinner at least? You got it. Oh, good. And don't get nervous.

You'll be great. Want to go over your lines one more time? Okay.

Ready? Mm -hmm.

Adrian. Rocky.

Adrian. Rocky.

Adrian!

You're right. This movie sucks.

See you later.

Hello?

Rocky... Auditioning place?

I really don't know.

Well, I'm sorry. I only answered because there's nobody... He just...

I stepped out for five minutes to grab a sandwich.

Why?

Because the phone's been ringing off the hook all morning and she hasn't even

had a chance to pee, so get off her back, Wayne.

Thank you so much. You're welcome.

You handled that just as I would have.

Of course, I'm a temp. We're trained not to care.

Do this. Why? Do I have lipstick?

I knew it.

face commercial.

Your teeth are so clean.

Face clean.

Okay. I like you.

You go to the head of the list.

What's your name?

Sybil Sheridan. Sybil.

I'm Marianne Thorpe.

Hi. Hi. Have a Tootsie Roll. Oh, thanks.

I'll take a few for later.

Is that your boyfriend?

Oh, no. It's my husband.

He's in med school, which is why I'm working my fingers to the bone.

Are you married?

Once. I caught him cheating.

Oh, no. What did you do?

I threw him out of a moving car.

No.

He's a stud man. He talked, he rolled, he was home before I was.

So I figured nothing's going to kill this man. I'm going to have to divorce

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't be. I learned my lesson. I'm totally over it. Good for you.

It's terrible how some women can't let go after a divorce.

They just get obsessed and do the craziest thing.

Name? Dick Thorpe.

Dr. Dick, huh?

That's funny.

Of course, I could never call him that.

That would really make him mad.

Yes,

Mr. Stallone?

What?

You're giddy?

You want to go steady?

Oh, you're ready.

Okay,

sir. I'll just send the first one right in.

Okay.

I pick you.

Yikes. Hey, just be yourself and say yo a lot.

Are you having any fun? What you getting out of living?

What good is what you've got if you're not having any fun?

Oh, I was scared. My grandmother used to sing that to me. How do you know it? My

mother used to sing it. Really?

To herself.

Well, okay.

Here I go. Wish me luck.

You don't need it.

Hey, wait a minute.

These actresses are all tall and blonde.

Hey, wait a minute. I specifically said, if they get married, you're going to

wear anything.

Hey, listen. Just give me that woman from The Godfather, all right?

I'm sorry.

Looks like you lost the part to Diane Keaton.

Oh, hey, that's okay.

You still got the squeakiest teeth in Hollywood.

Thanks. For everything.

Hey, no problem.

Good luck with the, uh, acting thing.

You too.

It's a Dr. Dick thing.

Dr.

Dick.

Hey, Marianne.

Why don't you let me take you out to lunch?

You haven't even finished your sandwich.

Oh.

Well, yeah, okay. I can call from the restaurant.

Yeah, come on. We'll get a burger and a beer.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not much of a drinker.

If I were talking to you, I would tell you how much I hate you for forcing me

come here.

Don't care. So there.

I can't let them put my breasts in one of those flattening machines.

What if they don't pop back?

Emily. No, you are having your mammogram.

I can't handle it.

Radiation? Chemotherapy? Whoa, slow down.

Nothing's happened.

What if something does happen? What if everything's okay, which it probably is?

Sybil, my aunt had it.

My grandmother had it.

That's why we're here.

You know, but I'd really rather not know. I mean, what would I do?

And what would my new Richard think of me?

Marianne, I hope it works out with Richard.

But you know who's going to be here?

No matter what?

Me. Oh, please.

I've had two husbands, and I don't know how many boyfriends come and go.

I've seen my children grow up and move out and move back in again.

Through it all, you've been there for me.

Since the first day we met, remember?

Wait a minute.

You know what?

You're going to be taking care of me when I get old. So you have to stay

and strong. So after the mammogram, we're going to the dentist.

And then Thursday, we have the eye doctor, the bone density exam.

And intestinal screening.

Then I got a ticket to Shoba.

You know, I said some horrible, spiteful things to you.

And you came back.

Thank you.

Mrs. Thorpe?

I'm scared to death.

I'm coming with you.

Are you having any fun?

Once you get 9 -11, what good is what you've got if

you're not having any fun?

And I would like to thank you all for making this the best dream I've ever

I want to start off by making amends to Emma Thompson for trashing her car.

But it was Streep's idea.

I first decided I wanted to be an actress in high school. This could take

while. It's a dream, so there's no time limit on the speech.

Patrons go with your mammogram.

Oh, you know about that?

Not in real life.

Nobody tells me anything in real life.

It was negative in real life. Oh, good. Oh, I'm so relieved.

So is Steve.

Any audit?

I owe $8 ,000.

She doesn't have to pay any of it. Really?

In her dreams.

Speaking of which, you'd think after three or four of these, she'd put me in

different dress.

Yeah, well, I just wish she'd stop dragging me into her little subconscious

fantasy world.

Now I'd like to show you one unforgettable moment from my career.

In this now classic scene, I paved the way to happiness for Joanie and Chachi.